Don't Believe Everything You Think

I'm not firing on all cylinders right now. That's actually a very accurate description - at this moment, some of the synapses in my brain are not firing, and as a result, I have lost my desire to engage in life - temporarily. Now, before you go calling 911, let me say that I am not in any danger, and I will do what I have to do and hang in there until things return to a good operating condition.

But this episode presents an excellent educational opportunity, at least for me, and possibly for someone who might read this. You see, there's nothing 'bad' going on in my life right now. I'm sober, I'm working, I have friends, I have a home - life is good. And there's the first problem - my brain right now is telling me that life sucks, this is pointless, why am I even here, yet there's nothing 'out there' wrong - there's gotta be something terribly wrong about me! And that's the shame of mental illness - "what's wrong with me that I feel so crappy?" By the way, my current state is clinically called anhedonia - the inability to experience pleasure. 

I understand what's going on. That's my advantage. My other advantage is that I have support that understands. In the past if I felt this way I would have taken alcohol or drugs - doing that would have made me feel again. Today that's a pretty drastic thing to do, because, for me, using alcohol or drugs could be a permanent, self-destructive  solution to a temporary problem. As I mentioned earlier, I really have no problems outside of my head; if I used alcohol or drugs to alleviate the problem inside my head, there's a 99% probability that I'd have outside problems as well - financial, legal, health, social - the whole 9 yards. I don't own a car today, which makes it more difficult (but not impossible) to get a DUI, but there's more than that I'd have to worry about if I drank alcohol today.

Days like today are why I harp on others who want to recover from mental health conditions and alcoholism/addiction about having a multi-faceted recovery, which includes medication, where indicated, support, self-care habits, and education. In recovery we aren't guaranteed that every day is going to be unicorns and rainbows. Some days are tough. So, if when I'm feeling better, I stop doing the things that got me feeling better, I'm setting myself up for a big fall. The things I do when I'm feeling good and normal and sane are insurance for days like today. I've got to pay attention to the long run, as well as today.

I'm not yet sure what I will do today to deal with the way things are in my brain, but I commit to only do things that are neutral to constructive. I will abstain from doing what I know doesn't work in the long run. And I commit to writing about what worked in the next few days.

Namasté,

Ken