Progress, not Perfection

I have recently been experiencing the turbulence of change. For me, change usually shows up, or begins with, an inner discontent. I've written before that I'm not a person who is easily satisfied, and this is a trait I've only recently identified as something I like about myself. What it means for me is that I continue to seek a more satisfactory experience of life. What it also means is that I'll never find it. I'll never get to the point where everything is perfect, at least for more than a moment. 

Last year around this time I posted a Happy New Year post because my birthday is in July, and it makes sense to me to mark the years as they began for me. I read that post today, and noted that there were 4 things I'd like to work on in the coming year:

• Treating my body more respectfully and lovingly by consistently eating healthier and continuing to gain physical strength;
• Continuing to treat my mind better by becoming more choosy with the thoughts I allow to reside there;
• Continuing to grow in the self-discipline area, with emphasis on vocational training and fiscal responsibility;
• Continuing to release fear and become more open to giving and receiving love from my fellow human beings.

So I read those things, and realized that those are still the things I'd like to work on (with possibly the exception of formal vocational training - not interested right now). These are all areas in which I've made progress, but there's more progress to be made.

Up until now, I've had a tendency to compare the way I do things today with the way I used to do things. This has been a good way for me to begin to trust that I really am on a good path, and I really am in recovery. 

Life really does seem to operate on a spiral - I come around to the meet the same basic lessons, yet they're given in different situations often with different people, and, most importantly, they're deeper. Each time I come around to something, I receive a deeper experience of self and the Universe and of my relationship with life. You really can't buy the kind of education I'm getting (which may be why I'm not much interested in any kind of vocational training a local institution can provide right now). 

But anyway, getting back to comparing today to one year or five years ago, or whatever - I think I'm getting past that. I think that for perhaps the first time in this lifetime, I am beginning to feel secure that I exist - that I am a part of life, a part of the Universe, and that I have value and purpose. My life has value and purpose. Trust me, for the longest time that was something I could not claim. I think today I can, without qualifiers - in other words, I know I have value whether or not I currently have a job, a home, a friend, some money in my wallet, whatever. That's actually a pretty neat feeling. It means this: because I have value, whatever I'm doing or experiencing has value as well. 

I've expressed it before in writing, and I think I'm beginning to express it now in living - I'm experiencing what it's like to live life from the inside out - to be living my purpose, and through living it discovering more and more of who I am. Life for life's sake. 

So, back to the title of this post - my motivation for living has changed from trying to find the perfect formula for everything to endeavoring to be, day by day, moment by moment, a more honest and real version of Ken. And the really neat thing for me is that today, that's enough. And I'm more happy to be me than I've ever been before, and that's a miracle.

Namasté,

Ken