One of the common threads of addiction and mental/emotional unwellness is the belief that we are less-than; that, as we are, we aren't enough and probably never will be. I don't know if this false belief is the chicken or the egg, but once it's deeply rooted, it feeds on itself and proves itself over and over again. It is essential to my recovery that I reverse this belief.
Last night I met with a group of people to do a little spiritual exploring. I had only met one person in this group once before; I had never consciously met the other 6 people there. There were a lot of notable things that happened last night, but for the purposes of this post, I'm going to focus on this: Even though I didn't really know these folks, and even though I didn't know exactly what we'd be doing, I felt totally comfortable and at home among them. I will note that nobody asked me who I was, why was I there, where I was from, what I did for work, how old I was, if I was single or married, if I was in recovery, or any of that. I was among a group of people for whom those things don't matter, and they didn't matter to me, either.
So, today I recognize that by being myself, and not trying to be anybody else, I am led to situations and people that are right for me. This is a big turnaround for me, and relatively recent. It's awesome because I've spent most of my life trying (and failing) to measure up to people around me. There is a great sense of freedom and serenity in not having to measure up.
I grew up with the belief that I was pretty useless, and would never measure up. Looking back, I can see the biggest error of my ways was that I never shared with others what I thought about myself or how I felt inside - therefore, I never received any arguments to my thinking, and I didn't realize it was flawed thinking. And I reinforced my thinking every step of the way. I remember very well being about 5 or 6 and looking at my brother's or sister's mathematics book, not understanding it a bit, and feeling stupid and thinking, "I'll never be able to do that." Which became the truth - I never did master algebra; however, most 6 year old children do not have a grasp on algebra - I was comparing myself to people who had lived twice as long as I had, and feeling bad because I didn't measure up. I look back on that today, and I'm like, "Doh!" But it was very real to me. And so it continued - I compared myself to those around me, and even in my age group I was never the smartest, cutest, brightest, fastest, strongest, nicest, funniest. Never!
And the incredibly sad part is I was also never the best me I could be, because I was always trying to be like somebody else.
Five years ago around this time, I understood that if I were to live, I'd have to learn to be authentic. What does that mean? What does that look like? At it's very core, being authentic means I am unashamedly myself. I stop apologizing for who I am. (Please note that I still apologize when I wrong or hurt someone). I stop shaming myself when someone else doesn't think I measure up. I begin to put into practice the idea that I was created with my unique set of gifts for a reason, and I stop trying to justify myself or my existence to myself or to others. I begin following a path that feels right inside. I begin releasing the expectations that I think others have put on me.
And this is an important point, and the one that I drive home with myself and those with whom I work: Even though I was given a certain set of expectations by the society and family in which I was raised, in the end, it is my responsibility to listen to my inner guide, my higher self, and follow Its guidance. I begin to find out what brings me joy and peace, and put more attention on doing those things and becoming the same person on the outside that I am on the inside.
It means moving into alignment - with God, if you will, or my higher self, or my conscience. Finding this alignment, this peace with who I really am, is essential to my recovery - when I am at peace with how I'm showing up in the world, I don't find it necessary to drink alcohol or use drugs. There is no inner conflict that needs to be quelled; if I want to change my mood, I do it by placing my attention on what makes me feel the way we want to feel.
One of the great benefits of allowing myself to be me is that I begin to allow others to be themselves as well. I drop the comparisons. I stop assuming I know what is best for you. Even better, I become more concerned with getting to know your insides rather than your outsides. The Truth begins to take on more importance than the illusion. And I'm not very concerned with how you view me.
Life is less frustrating for me today, more enjoyable, more peaceful, more real, more purposeful. That's my story and I'm sticking to it!
Namasté,
Ken
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