I think it's time again for a reminder that this blog is about my journey - my experience of coming to terms with my humanity while knowing that I am an infinite spiritual being. Because mental health and substance use disorder has been a major part of my life, these topics are the majority of what I write about. However, I want to note here that what I write about is my recovery and my journey - this isn't the gospel according to Ken; it's more like taking a look inside my head at the squirrels and other creatures that exist up there, and seeing if Ken can actually master this three ring circus. So, if something I write touches your heart or affects you positively, awesome! And if it doesn't, don't worry, it's ok, simply move on. But I appreciate all who read my blog, so thank you. Now, please enjoy today's topic:
Recently I've noticed an upswing in my enjoyment of life. One of the symptoms of depression is lack of interest in things I once enjoyed, or lack of interest in life in general. I was walking today in my back yard (Frame Park and the Riverwalk) and I took some pictures and noticed how pretty everything is. This is a phenomenon; usually winter time, with only a few exceptions, is a long, gray, yuck. Lately, it hasn't been, even with some atrocious weather.
I feel grangry - grateful and angry. And I'm experiencing cognitive dissonance, mainly because I think too much it's a challenge to accept the gifts I have without looking them over and scrupulously studying them.
I feel grateful for enjoying life again. I feel angry at myself, because I lived in the 'gray zone' for so long, even in recovery. I could have gone to any provider and said, "I'm still not enjoying life like I think I could." I did not do that. I toughed it out and tried to change things on my own, instead of going to my support system and saying, "Something isn't quite right." I allowed myself to stay too close to the bottom of the hill.
What's done is done, and I must accept it or suffer the consequences of regret and guilt. However, I can learn from this, I hope.
So what happened is that I surrendered to psychiatry. For those who are unaware, a psychiatrist is a medical doctor (in other words, has had the same pre-med and medical training that every other medical doctor has had) and the psychiatrist has chosen psychiatry as their specialty. Although during the past few months I've met 4 psychiatrists that I actually like, I, for the most part, do not like psychiatrists. Most aren't interested in listening, and most seem interested only in pushing the latest pharmaceutical, and 'f#@k you if it doesn't work for you' (sorry). So this time I have a psychiatrist who listens to me and who I can tell has an interest in helping me get better. He's also an addictionologist. A psychiatrist's role on the treatment team of a person with a mental health condition is mainly to prescribe medication for that person that will be one facet of helping to alleviate the symptoms that person is experiencing. My current doctor has prescribed well for me, and I am currently on 4 medications. I have noticed that I'm way more engaged with life and with people than I have been for a long time. So, what my doctor is doing is working.
And here is where the cognitive dissonance comes in - as I wrote in a recent post, The Challenge of Medication, I want to believe that I can enjoy this life without using pharmaceuticals. The addict in me, still alive and well, thinks that changing the way I feel with chemicals is just fine. I appease the addict in me by using a lot of natural supplements; some of them actually do stuff, and others are just placebos. So the medication is working and part of me isn't accepting that.
Many people responded to the previous post about medication, and some mentioned that they wouldn't be here today if it weren't for medication. Some mentioned that God has provided us with scientists and doctors so that we can live better lives. I believe that, yet I don't want to be dependent upon doctors and scientists and their medications. And that's my sticking point - I'm doing what I don't want to do and it's working. I'll look for a way of getting over it, or accepting what is.
Back to seeing the beauty - as a result of being able to see it again, and as a result of having a phone with a fairly nice camera, I've been able to really enjoy my surroundings and share it with others. I remember one time in the 90's, I was trying to escape myself by driving a stolen car cross-country. I was depressed and suicidal at the time. I went through Utah, and I knew in my head that the landscape was incredibly and stunningly beautiful, but I didn't feel it and I couldn't absorb it. Today I can feel and absorb the beauty around me, and when I'm doing it, it doesn't really matter how I'm doing it - whether it's the medication, or just me enjoying my surroundings. But life is a lot richer today, and I cannot deny the positive effect that proper medication is making in my life. Is it real? Everything I experience is real, so yes it is real. In the future, I may experience my surroundings in a different way, but it'll still be real. My prayer is my surroundings will be as beautiful or more beautiful than they are today.
Namasté,
Ken
Showing posts with label Perception. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Perception. Show all posts
Saturday, February 2, 2019
Sunday, April 29, 2018
The Way It Is? Mindfulness and Imagination as a Pathway to Change
We, as humans, get really used to the way things are. We get up in the morning and go to the bathroom and do our business without having to think too much about it - like what happens to the water that goes down our sinks, toilets, and showers, or even the origin of the water. We get dressed, probably without knowing who made our clothes (no, Levi Strauss and Tommy Hilfeger did not actually make the garments you're wearing). We hop in our cars, and we don't need to even know how a car works to utilize it. When we turn on the radio, do we think about how that works? How music travels invisibly through the air from some location to us so that we can listen to it? And many of us go to a job that starts at 7, 8, or 9 in the morning, lasts 8 hours, and we'll go to 5 days a week, without ever wondering if there would be a way to live on a 20 hour/week job, or no job at all? And the list goes on, and on, and on...
We don't have to consciously think about all the things we do in a day - unless we want to change something in our lives, or change our entire life.
One of the curious aspects of addiction (and mental illness, as well, I think) is the narrowing of our imaginations when we're suffering from it. For instance, I have a few challenges, or opportunities for growth, going on right now, and I look forward to working through them, knowing that they'll make me stronger and lead me to an even richer life than I'm already experiencing. However, if I start drinking alcohol today, all of those challenges will become huge insurmountable problems that nothing but another drink will fix. Such is the nature of alcoholism, and I think it's like that with depression as well. On days when I'm not feeling any symptoms of depression, life looks great, and I see many possibilities. On days when I'm symptomatic, it's really difficult to see a decent future, and everything around me looks and feels like crap. (It's those days that I get through by faith - knowing, but not seeing, that things will get better).
So, a big part of recovery is reversing the narrow-mindedness that comes from the diseases. Now, a challenge comes in - the longer we stay in our active addiction or depression, the more ingrained is the negative, narrow-minded thinking, and the more difficult it is to change. This can be very frustrating! People can tell us that it (whatever 'it' is) gets better, and they're happy and smiling, and we're slogging through the shit wondering, "When?" Bit by bit, day by day, 'it' does get better. Very slowly. This is a critical time in early recovery when much support and a lot of patience is needed, because the feeling of wanting to give up and go back to our 'comfortable' misery appears often. Medication is often required to assist us in staying in a state where we can assist ourselves.
After a time, our thinking returns to a state where we are able to resume our normal daily lives, take care of ourselves, support ourselves, and begin to enjoy life and living again.
But what if you're like me? What if, when things return to 'normal', it's still not good enough? What if, even when things are going great, there is still a indefinable longing inside for something different? Fortunately, or unfortunately, depending upon your point of view, there is not a pill that will fix that. There isn't a pill that will make me perfectly accept the way things are. I hope not, anyway.
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference. (Excerpt from the Serenity Prayer by Reinhold Niebuhr)
I'm coming to appreciate that part of me that longs for something better - that part of me that longs for more peace, more power over my thoughts and actions, more effectiveness in helping others. Previous to understanding how to channel it, this longing in me produced depression and the desire to go back to alcohol and drugs. I wanted to extinguish the longing. Today I better understand that the longing is a good thing, because, properly channeled, it allows me to explore and discover more and more of this existence.
One of the things needed for this journey is the belief that there's more to life that what I'm seeing in this present moment, and for that, I need to be willing to expand my consciousness, my thoughts, beyond what I presently know. Jesus talked of this when He mentioned that you don't put new wine into old wineskins, or you'll burst the wineskin. I can't move to the next paradigm using the same type of consciousness I was using in the old paradigm.
I mentioned at the beginning of the post just a tiny fraction of things we might take for granted in our daily lives. Taking these things for granted, or not thinking about them, makes it easier to live our daily lives; however, it sucks for trying to get somewhere we've never been before.
All of my life I've thought about the way things used to be - long ago, before I was born. I like sitting at the shore of Lake Michigan, and try to look at it through the eyes of a Native American 200 or 300 years ago. Lake Michigan means different things to us today than it did to the person observing it back then. Back then, the person looking at it might have looked at it as a source of life - both water and food. I've wondered why people ever settled in Kansas (the Great Plains). Did they just get tired of traveling in covered wagons and give up? Because 150-200 years ago, Kansas was one great big flat treeless field. "Oh, yes, this looks like a great place to settle - absolutely nothing as far as the eye can see!" And when English settlers first settled on the North American continent - what were they thinking? 450 years ago, there weren't housing developments and roadways and cities in North America - just a lot of land, and people that we used to refer to as 'savages'. What about a long, long time ago, before there were even governments, or kingdoms? What was life like then?
For the longest time, my thinking made the world as it is today seem false and unnatural, and much of it is! But it made me disdain today's world. If we didn't have mass generated and usable electricity, most people today would plain just die. Ok - what does that have to do with mindfulness or depression, or alcoholism, or spirituality?
It is this: Anything is possible. In the midst of alcoholism and depression, the only thing that seemed possible was death - either quickly, or painful and slow. In the midst of recovery and spirituality, anything is possible. I have been rescued and elevated from a 'hopeless' condition of mind and body to live this life in recovery and achieve or attain anything I can set my heart on. The only limitation I have is my own thinking - my current mindset.
I am not 'stuck'. But in order to be able to change my thinking, to change my life, I need to examine the areas in which I'm accepting 'the way it is' or the way things are. Those are the things that I have to unaccept, and and change it around to 'the way things could be'.
This is wonderful news to me. I don't have to stay stuck in who I am, or who I've been; I simply have to shake up the neural pathways in my mind and develop my power of imagination.
I can see very well the way things are. I can stop fighting them and move on to the next step: Begin to see the way things can be.
Namasté,
Ken
We don't have to consciously think about all the things we do in a day - unless we want to change something in our lives, or change our entire life.
One of the curious aspects of addiction (and mental illness, as well, I think) is the narrowing of our imaginations when we're suffering from it. For instance, I have a few challenges, or opportunities for growth, going on right now, and I look forward to working through them, knowing that they'll make me stronger and lead me to an even richer life than I'm already experiencing. However, if I start drinking alcohol today, all of those challenges will become huge insurmountable problems that nothing but another drink will fix. Such is the nature of alcoholism, and I think it's like that with depression as well. On days when I'm not feeling any symptoms of depression, life looks great, and I see many possibilities. On days when I'm symptomatic, it's really difficult to see a decent future, and everything around me looks and feels like crap. (It's those days that I get through by faith - knowing, but not seeing, that things will get better).
So, a big part of recovery is reversing the narrow-mindedness that comes from the diseases. Now, a challenge comes in - the longer we stay in our active addiction or depression, the more ingrained is the negative, narrow-minded thinking, and the more difficult it is to change. This can be very frustrating! People can tell us that it (whatever 'it' is) gets better, and they're happy and smiling, and we're slogging through the shit wondering, "When?" Bit by bit, day by day, 'it' does get better. Very slowly. This is a critical time in early recovery when much support and a lot of patience is needed, because the feeling of wanting to give up and go back to our 'comfortable' misery appears often. Medication is often required to assist us in staying in a state where we can assist ourselves.
After a time, our thinking returns to a state where we are able to resume our normal daily lives, take care of ourselves, support ourselves, and begin to enjoy life and living again.
But what if you're like me? What if, when things return to 'normal', it's still not good enough? What if, even when things are going great, there is still a indefinable longing inside for something different? Fortunately, or unfortunately, depending upon your point of view, there is not a pill that will fix that. There isn't a pill that will make me perfectly accept the way things are. I hope not, anyway.
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference. (Excerpt from the Serenity Prayer by Reinhold Niebuhr)
I'm coming to appreciate that part of me that longs for something better - that part of me that longs for more peace, more power over my thoughts and actions, more effectiveness in helping others. Previous to understanding how to channel it, this longing in me produced depression and the desire to go back to alcohol and drugs. I wanted to extinguish the longing. Today I better understand that the longing is a good thing, because, properly channeled, it allows me to explore and discover more and more of this existence.
One of the things needed for this journey is the belief that there's more to life that what I'm seeing in this present moment, and for that, I need to be willing to expand my consciousness, my thoughts, beyond what I presently know. Jesus talked of this when He mentioned that you don't put new wine into old wineskins, or you'll burst the wineskin. I can't move to the next paradigm using the same type of consciousness I was using in the old paradigm.
I mentioned at the beginning of the post just a tiny fraction of things we might take for granted in our daily lives. Taking these things for granted, or not thinking about them, makes it easier to live our daily lives; however, it sucks for trying to get somewhere we've never been before.
All of my life I've thought about the way things used to be - long ago, before I was born. I like sitting at the shore of Lake Michigan, and try to look at it through the eyes of a Native American 200 or 300 years ago. Lake Michigan means different things to us today than it did to the person observing it back then. Back then, the person looking at it might have looked at it as a source of life - both water and food. I've wondered why people ever settled in Kansas (the Great Plains). Did they just get tired of traveling in covered wagons and give up? Because 150-200 years ago, Kansas was one great big flat treeless field. "Oh, yes, this looks like a great place to settle - absolutely nothing as far as the eye can see!" And when English settlers first settled on the North American continent - what were they thinking? 450 years ago, there weren't housing developments and roadways and cities in North America - just a lot of land, and people that we used to refer to as 'savages'. What about a long, long time ago, before there were even governments, or kingdoms? What was life like then?
For the longest time, my thinking made the world as it is today seem false and unnatural, and much of it is! But it made me disdain today's world. If we didn't have mass generated and usable electricity, most people today would plain just die. Ok - what does that have to do with mindfulness or depression, or alcoholism, or spirituality?
It is this: Anything is possible. In the midst of alcoholism and depression, the only thing that seemed possible was death - either quickly, or painful and slow. In the midst of recovery and spirituality, anything is possible. I have been rescued and elevated from a 'hopeless' condition of mind and body to live this life in recovery and achieve or attain anything I can set my heart on. The only limitation I have is my own thinking - my current mindset.
I am not 'stuck'. But in order to be able to change my thinking, to change my life, I need to examine the areas in which I'm accepting 'the way it is' or the way things are. Those are the things that I have to unaccept, and and change it around to 'the way things could be'.
This is wonderful news to me. I don't have to stay stuck in who I am, or who I've been; I simply have to shake up the neural pathways in my mind and develop my power of imagination.
I can see very well the way things are. I can stop fighting them and move on to the next step: Begin to see the way things can be.
Namasté,
Ken
Monday, February 5, 2018
How to Make Stress Your Friend
This is a Ted Talk that I first saw this summer while taking Peer Specialist training. I think it has some very good information about changing how we look at stress. The speaker is Dr. Kelly McGonigal, and the video lasts about 15 minutes. Enjoy!
Namaste,
Ken
Tuesday, January 23, 2018
Don't Look!
As I was driving home tonight, I twice looked in my rearview mirror after safely passing through an intersection to see a car behind me go through the intersection after the light had turned red. This is one of my pet peeves, and it's a symptom of alcoholism. Or at least of alcoholic thinking, because the only thing that feeding my pet peeves does is create righteous indignation (which is irritation about other's behaviors in order to make me look good to myself or others). And righteous indignation is one of the things that can lead a sober alcoholic or a clean addict back to using and drinking.
How can a minor irritation lead me back to drinking? Well, first of all, I was looking for it - indicating that the alcoholic within is still alive. I didn't happen to just notice it - I deliberately looked in my rearview mirror (which is always set to nighttime to make it harder to see behind me, day or night, because I've had the tendency thru life to look behind rather than ahead). Second, it can set up a mood - "my God, how unthinking must a person be? Why am I surrounded by idiots?" And so I start looking for more cases of inconsiderate idiots. And, as Jesus warned me, what I look for is what I'll get (Seek, and you will find - Matt. 7:7-8). So, 15 minutes after discovering the first two inconsiderate idiots (who are now safely at home enjoying their supper), I'm seething because I'm surrounded by inconsiderate idiots - I, the intelligent, rational, Ken, am once again alone in a world full of people that I can't relate to. And that mental/emotional isolation is the trigger for the next drink or fix. It really does not take much.
But sanity intervened tonight, as it has for the past couple of years. I asked myself, if pushing the envelope on yellow traffic lights is something that I need to be upset about, how upset do I need to be? Well, there are many large cities all over the world that employ the use of traffic lights, and hundreds of millions of people driving, and even if only a small percentage of people blast through red lights, a small percentage of hundreds of millions of people is still a pretty big number. So I can assume that at any given moment, some inconsiderate idiot is blasting through an intersection on red, making innocent people suffer. It's an incredibly huge problem! And one that I don't need to be concerned about.
PETA once sent me a letter of warning because they found out I was killing off most of my pet peeves by starving them to death. I recognized a while back how dangerous it is for me to feed my pet peeves - they'll eventually turn on me. Today I avoid undue irritation. I am grateful that some things that used to really. piss. me. off. no longer do. Not my circus, not my monkeys, so to speak. So allowing the larger pet peeves to die a slow death has left room for other stuff that I might find irritating, but isn't necessarily a pet peeve. Now, because I'm not in a continual state of pissed-offedness, I recognize when something or someone pushes one of my buttons. And because I can recognize one incident or one word that gets my goat, I can ask myself, "How important is it to me?" or "What am I supposed to learn from this?" or "What am I supposed to do with this?" It's not a matter of ignoring things that piss me off - that would only create a pressure cooker inside of me. It is a matter of me knowing that I have the power of choice today; today, I get to choose my battles. I no longer reside in a place where the majority of things and people around me irritate me.
Does this mean that nothing I see in the world should bother me? Certainly not! What I see outside of me is merely a reflection of what is within me, and if I see something that disturbs me, then I need to do something about it. But I need not attack - either what I see or myself. What I can do is seek to understand, and then ask the Universe (God) what I need to do about it. Last week I was to a planning commission meeting to advocate for something I feel strongly about, and last night I was at a city council meeting to advocate against something I feel strongly about. I've never been to meetings like this in my life before (except maybe in a middle school civics class). In both cases, I got up and said my piece. What comes of it will be what comes of it - but I did my part (so far) in changing something about the world in which I live. I think most of the time, however, the things I need to change are my own skewed perceptions.
Continued peace of mind, serenity, and happiness, which I believe are essential ingredients in my recovery, require cultivation. I cultivate a peaceful state of mind by understanding that it's actually easier, once I get the hang of it, to change my consciousness than it is to change my environment. And once my consciousness is mostly clear of problems that aren't mine to do anything about, I can focus my attention on what is mine to do. And that leads to an even more peaceful life for me, which in turn leads to actually feeling like I'm useful and I belong.
Isolation, fear, and loneliness are the cause of what ails me. The cure is connection, courage, and engagement - in whatever form that takes.
Namaste,
Ken
How can a minor irritation lead me back to drinking? Well, first of all, I was looking for it - indicating that the alcoholic within is still alive. I didn't happen to just notice it - I deliberately looked in my rearview mirror (which is always set to nighttime to make it harder to see behind me, day or night, because I've had the tendency thru life to look behind rather than ahead). Second, it can set up a mood - "my God, how unthinking must a person be? Why am I surrounded by idiots?" And so I start looking for more cases of inconsiderate idiots. And, as Jesus warned me, what I look for is what I'll get (Seek, and you will find - Matt. 7:7-8). So, 15 minutes after discovering the first two inconsiderate idiots (who are now safely at home enjoying their supper), I'm seething because I'm surrounded by inconsiderate idiots - I, the intelligent, rational, Ken, am once again alone in a world full of people that I can't relate to. And that mental/emotional isolation is the trigger for the next drink or fix. It really does not take much.
But sanity intervened tonight, as it has for the past couple of years. I asked myself, if pushing the envelope on yellow traffic lights is something that I need to be upset about, how upset do I need to be? Well, there are many large cities all over the world that employ the use of traffic lights, and hundreds of millions of people driving, and even if only a small percentage of people blast through red lights, a small percentage of hundreds of millions of people is still a pretty big number. So I can assume that at any given moment, some inconsiderate idiot is blasting through an intersection on red, making innocent people suffer. It's an incredibly huge problem! And one that I don't need to be concerned about.
PETA once sent me a letter of warning because they found out I was killing off most of my pet peeves by starving them to death. I recognized a while back how dangerous it is for me to feed my pet peeves - they'll eventually turn on me. Today I avoid undue irritation. I am grateful that some things that used to really. piss. me. off. no longer do. Not my circus, not my monkeys, so to speak. So allowing the larger pet peeves to die a slow death has left room for other stuff that I might find irritating, but isn't necessarily a pet peeve. Now, because I'm not in a continual state of pissed-offedness, I recognize when something or someone pushes one of my buttons. And because I can recognize one incident or one word that gets my goat, I can ask myself, "How important is it to me?" or "What am I supposed to learn from this?" or "What am I supposed to do with this?" It's not a matter of ignoring things that piss me off - that would only create a pressure cooker inside of me. It is a matter of me knowing that I have the power of choice today; today, I get to choose my battles. I no longer reside in a place where the majority of things and people around me irritate me.
Does this mean that nothing I see in the world should bother me? Certainly not! What I see outside of me is merely a reflection of what is within me, and if I see something that disturbs me, then I need to do something about it. But I need not attack - either what I see or myself. What I can do is seek to understand, and then ask the Universe (God) what I need to do about it. Last week I was to a planning commission meeting to advocate for something I feel strongly about, and last night I was at a city council meeting to advocate against something I feel strongly about. I've never been to meetings like this in my life before (except maybe in a middle school civics class). In both cases, I got up and said my piece. What comes of it will be what comes of it - but I did my part (so far) in changing something about the world in which I live. I think most of the time, however, the things I need to change are my own skewed perceptions.
Continued peace of mind, serenity, and happiness, which I believe are essential ingredients in my recovery, require cultivation. I cultivate a peaceful state of mind by understanding that it's actually easier, once I get the hang of it, to change my consciousness than it is to change my environment. And once my consciousness is mostly clear of problems that aren't mine to do anything about, I can focus my attention on what is mine to do. And that leads to an even more peaceful life for me, which in turn leads to actually feeling like I'm useful and I belong.
Isolation, fear, and loneliness are the cause of what ails me. The cure is connection, courage, and engagement - in whatever form that takes.
Namaste,
Ken
Monday, August 14, 2017
In This Moment...
In this moment, I am free.
In this moment, I am healthy.
In this moment, I love myself.
In this moment, I am loved.
In this moment, I am connected.
In this moment, I am enough.
In this moment, I am peace.
In this moment, I am perfect.
In this moment, I am calm.
In this moment, I am rich.
In this moment, I am strong.
In this moment, I am courageous.
In this moment, I am well.
In this moment, I am blessed.
In this moment, I am beautiful.
In this moment, I am secure.
Namaste,
Ken
In this moment, I am healthy.
In this moment, I love myself.
In this moment, I am loved.
In this moment, I am connected.
In this moment, I am enough.
In this moment, I am peace.
In this moment, I am perfect.
In this moment, I am calm.
In this moment, I am rich.
In this moment, I am strong.
In this moment, I am courageous.
In this moment, I am well.
In this moment, I am blessed.
In this moment, I am beautiful.
In this moment, I am secure.
Namaste,
Ken
Sunday, April 30, 2017
Opinions, Facts, and Experience
I got called to task yesterday 3 different times by 3 different people, two of whom I know. When two or three unrelated people are telling me the same thing about me, I listen.
I was violating some of my own policies and standards - I made comments on Facebook that (a) have to do with controversial issues, and (b) were based more on opinion and feeling that actual fact. I avoid controversial issues, like religion and politics, because my purpose is to support others in learning to help themselves - so I try not to alienate anybody. There are basic principles which apply to recovery and spirituality that have nothing to do with politics or religion. Additionally, when I share something, it needs to be based not on a feeling or a wish, but on a provable fact and/or my own experience.
Facebook is tricky ground for me. I'm on it to share myself with others, to share my employers' posts, and to promote the MS 150, the bike ride to benefit MS. I receive a lot of good stuff from Facebook, too, but I don't need Facebook to get the information I need. There are other channels available. The challenge for me is that Facebook is fertile ground for unhealthy thinking and behavior. I am learning to live life from the inside out. For the vast majority of my life, I've lived it from the outside in. For most of my life, I've been a reactor - my actions were based on my perceptions of what was going on around me. This is actually the way the human brain is designed, and it's a safety/survival mechanism - it's an instinct. However, we are spiritual beings having this human experience, and capable of not only reacting to life, but also living from an intuitive sense. In other words, we create our own reality. If I can't help but to create my own reality, I think it's good to be conscious of what I'm doing. Facebook allows me to get back into letting others create my reality for me, which is what I'm used to doing. Creating my own reality is relatively new for me, so it's easy to slip back into old patterns. I have to be careful when I get on Facebook, because it can become my reality, and that's not healthy for my recovery. Perhaps a better way of saying it is that I used to let others do my thinking for me, because I didn't want to be responsible for my own thinking and actions, and Facebook is an excellent vehicle for that mode of living.
So, getting back to the topic at hand - Opinions, Facts, and Experience:
Opinions are simply personal preferences. I have opinions on which foods I like, which religions I prefer, the type of government I'd like to see, which girls are most attractive to me, what's fun to do and what's not fun to do. What I've learned about my opinions is that they're much like my penis - it's nice to have and be proud of, but I shouldn't expose it unless someone asks (and even then...), and I definitely should not force my opinion about anything on anyone. I laugh at the Facebook posts that ask for my opinion about whether someone should go to jail or things like that because...who cares? What does my opinion matter? It won't change anything. Don't misunderstand me - I absolutely love it when someone walks up to me face-to-face and asks me for my opinion on something. However, my opinion is really valueless to anybody else but me. It makes no difference what my opinion is, because it's only about my personal preference, and that can change quickly.
Facts are facts. This happened. That happened. It's 40 degrees Fahrenheit and rainy. That's a fact. How I feel about it, what I think about it, what I do about it - there's an infinite range of possibilities. But a fact can be backed up by evidence, and, very often, if not always, I can't change a fact, I can only change my response to it. One caution, though, is that facts aren't necessarily the absolute truth. Facts can change. The weather is going to change. The GNP of the US is going to change. Another factor is that sometimes a fact seems like one thing, but, upon closer examination, we find it's another thing. It used to be that the Sun revolved around the Earth - that was a fact given the knowledge at the time. Today, most of us agree that it's the Earth that revolves around the Sun, based on the evidence we now have. Another thing about facts is that they can be misleading. Did you know that 100% of the people that ate pickles in 1865 are dead now? True fact! But, neither the pickles nor the deaths are related (except for those very few who choked on a pickle or were shot and killed for eating someone else's pickle). So, facts have slightly more value than opinions, and may be useful as a guide.
Then we have experience. That's what I share with folks. My experience is, "This is what I did, and this is what happened." This is what I do, and it makes me sick, and this is what I do, and it makes me well. Now, experience is a really good thing, because we're all having this human experience, and a lot of things that are true for one person are not necessarily true for another. Experience is like an opinion in that I don't necessarily need to share it with someone who doesn't want to hear it. So, if you've read this far, and you're not interested in my opinion or my experience, I'd have to ask, "Why did you read this far?" Experience is like a fact in that my experience is a fact. Yes, I did this. Yes, I am sober today. Yes, I am, in a relative way, sane today. Here's the funny thing about experience - sometimes we assume a causal relationship where there is none. Yesterday I was walking down the street and a black cat crossed my path. Shortly thereafter, I bought a scratch-off ticket and won $50. Both of those experiences are facts. But can I say for certainty that they are related, that a black cat crossing my path caused me to win $50? Of course not! Everybody knows that a black cat crossing your path is bad luck!
But I like to write and talk about the experience of applying spiritual principles and psychological methods to my recovery from a hopeless state of mind and body, and what I think I've learned from my experiences. And because I do these things fairly consistently and I get consistent results, my experience has value (in my opinion).
So I think I might have mentioned that my primary purpose is to be of service to others by growing in recovery and sharing that recovery with those who want it. Seems fairly simple, right? But, other stuff interests me as well, and I have lots of thoughts and feelings on all sorts of topics. However, the Universe has shown me that my role is not to be a social commentator, although sometimes I'd like to be. The Universe has also shown me that I am not a political pundit, although sometimes I'd like to be. That's not my schtick; it's someone else's. Also, I have an inner grammar nazi, and Facebook is extremely fertile ground for grammar nazis; alas, that's not mine to do either.
My experience has been that I am much happier, much more stable, and much more effective when I stick to what is mine to do, and leave the other stuff to other folks. It's taken a long time for me to learn that I'm not everything to everybody, and that it's not only ok, it's as it should be. I don't always understand or like what I see in the world, and today I don't need to do so. I simply need to be ok within myself with what I'm doing.
Namaste,
Ken
I was violating some of my own policies and standards - I made comments on Facebook that (a) have to do with controversial issues, and (b) were based more on opinion and feeling that actual fact. I avoid controversial issues, like religion and politics, because my purpose is to support others in learning to help themselves - so I try not to alienate anybody. There are basic principles which apply to recovery and spirituality that have nothing to do with politics or religion. Additionally, when I share something, it needs to be based not on a feeling or a wish, but on a provable fact and/or my own experience.
Facebook is tricky ground for me. I'm on it to share myself with others, to share my employers' posts, and to promote the MS 150, the bike ride to benefit MS. I receive a lot of good stuff from Facebook, too, but I don't need Facebook to get the information I need. There are other channels available. The challenge for me is that Facebook is fertile ground for unhealthy thinking and behavior. I am learning to live life from the inside out. For the vast majority of my life, I've lived it from the outside in. For most of my life, I've been a reactor - my actions were based on my perceptions of what was going on around me. This is actually the way the human brain is designed, and it's a safety/survival mechanism - it's an instinct. However, we are spiritual beings having this human experience, and capable of not only reacting to life, but also living from an intuitive sense. In other words, we create our own reality. If I can't help but to create my own reality, I think it's good to be conscious of what I'm doing. Facebook allows me to get back into letting others create my reality for me, which is what I'm used to doing. Creating my own reality is relatively new for me, so it's easy to slip back into old patterns. I have to be careful when I get on Facebook, because it can become my reality, and that's not healthy for my recovery. Perhaps a better way of saying it is that I used to let others do my thinking for me, because I didn't want to be responsible for my own thinking and actions, and Facebook is an excellent vehicle for that mode of living.
So, getting back to the topic at hand - Opinions, Facts, and Experience:
Opinions are simply personal preferences. I have opinions on which foods I like, which religions I prefer, the type of government I'd like to see, which girls are most attractive to me, what's fun to do and what's not fun to do. What I've learned about my opinions is that they're much like my penis - it's nice to have and be proud of, but I shouldn't expose it unless someone asks (and even then...), and I definitely should not force my opinion about anything on anyone. I laugh at the Facebook posts that ask for my opinion about whether someone should go to jail or things like that because...who cares? What does my opinion matter? It won't change anything. Don't misunderstand me - I absolutely love it when someone walks up to me face-to-face and asks me for my opinion on something. However, my opinion is really valueless to anybody else but me. It makes no difference what my opinion is, because it's only about my personal preference, and that can change quickly.
Facts are facts. This happened. That happened. It's 40 degrees Fahrenheit and rainy. That's a fact. How I feel about it, what I think about it, what I do about it - there's an infinite range of possibilities. But a fact can be backed up by evidence, and, very often, if not always, I can't change a fact, I can only change my response to it. One caution, though, is that facts aren't necessarily the absolute truth. Facts can change. The weather is going to change. The GNP of the US is going to change. Another factor is that sometimes a fact seems like one thing, but, upon closer examination, we find it's another thing. It used to be that the Sun revolved around the Earth - that was a fact given the knowledge at the time. Today, most of us agree that it's the Earth that revolves around the Sun, based on the evidence we now have. Another thing about facts is that they can be misleading. Did you know that 100% of the people that ate pickles in 1865 are dead now? True fact! But, neither the pickles nor the deaths are related (except for those very few who choked on a pickle or were shot and killed for eating someone else's pickle). So, facts have slightly more value than opinions, and may be useful as a guide.
Then we have experience. That's what I share with folks. My experience is, "This is what I did, and this is what happened." This is what I do, and it makes me sick, and this is what I do, and it makes me well. Now, experience is a really good thing, because we're all having this human experience, and a lot of things that are true for one person are not necessarily true for another. Experience is like an opinion in that I don't necessarily need to share it with someone who doesn't want to hear it. So, if you've read this far, and you're not interested in my opinion or my experience, I'd have to ask, "Why did you read this far?" Experience is like a fact in that my experience is a fact. Yes, I did this. Yes, I am sober today. Yes, I am, in a relative way, sane today. Here's the funny thing about experience - sometimes we assume a causal relationship where there is none. Yesterday I was walking down the street and a black cat crossed my path. Shortly thereafter, I bought a scratch-off ticket and won $50. Both of those experiences are facts. But can I say for certainty that they are related, that a black cat crossing my path caused me to win $50? Of course not! Everybody knows that a black cat crossing your path is bad luck!
But I like to write and talk about the experience of applying spiritual principles and psychological methods to my recovery from a hopeless state of mind and body, and what I think I've learned from my experiences. And because I do these things fairly consistently and I get consistent results, my experience has value (in my opinion).
So I think I might have mentioned that my primary purpose is to be of service to others by growing in recovery and sharing that recovery with those who want it. Seems fairly simple, right? But, other stuff interests me as well, and I have lots of thoughts and feelings on all sorts of topics. However, the Universe has shown me that my role is not to be a social commentator, although sometimes I'd like to be. The Universe has also shown me that I am not a political pundit, although sometimes I'd like to be. That's not my schtick; it's someone else's. Also, I have an inner grammar nazi, and Facebook is extremely fertile ground for grammar nazis; alas, that's not mine to do either.
My experience has been that I am much happier, much more stable, and much more effective when I stick to what is mine to do, and leave the other stuff to other folks. It's taken a long time for me to learn that I'm not everything to everybody, and that it's not only ok, it's as it should be. I don't always understand or like what I see in the world, and today I don't need to do so. I simply need to be ok within myself with what I'm doing.
Namaste,
Ken
Sunday, April 16, 2017
Courage to Be Who I Am
For so many years - over 1/2 a century, really - I lived from the deep seated, but very incorrect, belief that I am not good enough. A better way to put it is that this belief informed my life - my thoughts, my feelings, my actions. If I wasn't trying to prove to everybody that I was good enough, then I was wallowing in self-pity, depression, and active alcoholism.
I began learning a 'new' way to look at myself, others, and life about 23 years ago.I'm a slow learner. I'm a slow applicator. I catch on fairly quickly, but the great wall of inferiority, reinforced by addiction and mental illness, made applying these principles very difficult. (Fortunately, if one lives long enough, alcoholism/addiction defeats itself - the 'host' becomes so desperately sick and bankrupt that s/he must break free or die). Anyway, the basics of New Thought remind me of who I am and my place in the Universe - I am a spiritual being having a human experience. As a spiritual being, or, child of God, I have all of the attributes of my Creator. I am connected to all life everywhere. There is One Power that creates and flows through the Universe, and that Power is Love. All else is false, not real. Because I am a child of the Universe, a part of, I can never be anything else. The Universe lives through me (and everyone else) no matter what the appearances are, so I cannot 'fail'. I cannot be a failure, substandard, less than.
There is a lot more to all of this, of which I'm constantly learning and growing to a deeper understanding. This New Thought prompts me to question my 'reality'. Most of my life, my reality has been, "I suck, life sucks," and I made the best of it by finding ways to escape life, or to escape the consequences of life. I'm working on doing a 180, to the point where I can love life and love myself (and, it goes to follow, love everybody else). That 180 degree turn does not happen overnight. I liken it to turning an aircraft carrier around to go in the opposite direction. Anybody who has ever driven a boat knows that it's nearly impossible to turn a boat on a dime, and the bigger the boat, the more time it takes and the more room one needs.
So changing me at my core involves finding every thought and correcting every action that is not in line with the way I now want to be going. I expect it to take a lifetime!
What has to come first? For me, I had to challenge the assertion that I was a piece of shit. Seeing a cutesie poster hanging that says, "God made me and God don't make junk" didn't do it for me. I had to prove to myself that I am a valuable human being (as opposed to trying to con everyone around me into believing I'm a valuable human being). The way I began to do this was (and still is) to throw caution to the wind and present to the real world the real me, cracks and all. And the result of this practice is this - the more authentically I show up in the world, it seems the more good people come into my life and the more good I'm able to do. Go figure! This goes exactly against everything I've ever believed about me. So, every time I practice authenticity, every time I face life rather than trying to escape it, I chip away at that belief that I'm not good enough.
This is not easy. It is still a challenge, mainly because I still have a belief that I must have everybody's approval. This is definitely an impossible belief - as I grow in understanding of Who I Am, and as I live from that understanding, there will be people who do not approve. My understanding of myself and life will threaten some people who have a different understanding, even when my understanding will make no negative impact on their lives. My understanding actually threatens a comfortable (but mediocre) belief system that many others prefer to cling to. So, I have to throw the need for approval from others out the window and move towards self-approval. Not an easy task!
This is why I do this: I've seen a quote somewhere that goes something like this - "Someone asked my why I've chosen this path, and I asked, "What makes you think I see another?" I do see other paths to take, but none of them are acceptable to me today. I see the path of suicide - I don't want to do that today. I see the path of substance use in order to live without really living - doesn't work for me anymore. I see the path of material acquisition - kinda been there, done that - doesn't work for me anymore either. So what I'm left with is becoming more of me.
I hope that my living the way I do gives others courage to be real. Underneath all of our very human, fear-based beliefs is a bright shining light that is beautiful and good. Each day I'm able to perceive it and feel it a little bit more, both in me, you, and life.
Namaste,
Ken
I began learning a 'new' way to look at myself, others, and life about 23 years ago.
There is a lot more to all of this, of which I'm constantly learning and growing to a deeper understanding. This New Thought prompts me to question my 'reality'. Most of my life, my reality has been, "I suck, life sucks," and I made the best of it by finding ways to escape life, or to escape the consequences of life. I'm working on doing a 180, to the point where I can love life and love myself (and, it goes to follow, love everybody else). That 180 degree turn does not happen overnight. I liken it to turning an aircraft carrier around to go in the opposite direction. Anybody who has ever driven a boat knows that it's nearly impossible to turn a boat on a dime, and the bigger the boat, the more time it takes and the more room one needs.
So changing me at my core involves finding every thought and correcting every action that is not in line with the way I now want to be going. I expect it to take a lifetime!
What has to come first? For me, I had to challenge the assertion that I was a piece of shit. Seeing a cutesie poster hanging that says, "God made me and God don't make junk" didn't do it for me. I had to prove to myself that I am a valuable human being (as opposed to trying to con everyone around me into believing I'm a valuable human being). The way I began to do this was (and still is) to throw caution to the wind and present to the real world the real me, cracks and all. And the result of this practice is this - the more authentically I show up in the world, it seems the more good people come into my life and the more good I'm able to do. Go figure! This goes exactly against everything I've ever believed about me. So, every time I practice authenticity, every time I face life rather than trying to escape it, I chip away at that belief that I'm not good enough.
This is not easy. It is still a challenge, mainly because I still have a belief that I must have everybody's approval. This is definitely an impossible belief - as I grow in understanding of Who I Am, and as I live from that understanding, there will be people who do not approve. My understanding of myself and life will threaten some people who have a different understanding, even when my understanding will make no negative impact on their lives. My understanding actually threatens a comfortable (but mediocre) belief system that many others prefer to cling to. So, I have to throw the need for approval from others out the window and move towards self-approval. Not an easy task!
This is why I do this: I've seen a quote somewhere that goes something like this - "Someone asked my why I've chosen this path, and I asked, "What makes you think I see another?" I do see other paths to take, but none of them are acceptable to me today. I see the path of suicide - I don't want to do that today. I see the path of substance use in order to live without really living - doesn't work for me anymore. I see the path of material acquisition - kinda been there, done that - doesn't work for me anymore either. So what I'm left with is becoming more of me.
I hope that my living the way I do gives others courage to be real. Underneath all of our very human, fear-based beliefs is a bright shining light that is beautiful and good. Each day I'm able to perceive it and feel it a little bit more, both in me, you, and life.
Namaste,
Ken
Thursday, February 2, 2017
Chaos Withdrawal
I have been going through something the past couple of months where I just don't feel right. Lately, it has manifested itself in a slight recurrence of depression symptoms - wanting to sleep, sleep, sleep, and dreading the future instead of looking forward to it. Fortunately, today I can look at my lack of enthusiasm and my lack of desire to become engaged with life as a symptom that something's not quite right rather than the way I used to look at those feelings - I used to feel like those feeling were the truth about me - that I was lazy and disinterested in life.
I think I know what part of it is - I recently changed my vocational activities. Previously, I had one full-time job at an inbound call center in Brookfield, and two part-time jobs in Waukesha. In January I released the call center job, and one of my other jobs became full-time. My call center job had hours all over the place, and I was always busy to some degree. Additionally, there were performance parameters at the call center job, and I had specific things to do with specific ways to do them.
My new work schedule is pretty much 8:30 - 4:30 M-F, and then 8-4 Saturday and Sunday for my part-time job. Additionally, I have a lot more time on my hands, as the commute to either job is under 30 minutes each way. Way under, actually. That's pretty boring, very stable, not much to remember.
I recently (yesterday) had a performance review at one of my jobs. It was excellent! I'm doing very well! Now if I can only convince myself! Neither of my current jobs have as many performance parameters as my old full-time job did. Certainly there are things at both jobs that I must do, but, for the most part, what I do each day and how I do it is largely determined by me, so long as it falls within my job descriptions and the policies and procedures of each of my employers. Other than the occasional emergency, there just isn't a lot of stress at either of my jobs. At my old full-time job, each day was stressful, but it was stress like exercise - like loading boxes onto a truck is stressful. When you're done for the day, you're done for the day.
So, that's great - I have plenty of stress-free work where I'm allowed to do stuff I enjoy and am good at. Great news! Unless I'm addicted to the cortisol created by daily stress - then it means I have to get used to a whole new way of life, and it might even (will be) uncomfortable.
"At the root of the addiction...is a reluctance to deal with ourselves on a deeper, more personal level. Cramming every moment of our lives with work, appointments and tasks means we don’t have to think about larger issues. And as it turns out, people will do almost anything to avoid themselves." Rachel Nuwer, from the article I linked to.
So is that why my inner voice has been nudging me to meditate more, to exercise more, to make better use of my free time? Is that why my home is still disorganized, tho' I've lived there 2 months already? I may dream of a serenely creative life, but what does that really look like? I've never lived one of those before!
It's that big ugly word, fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of success, fear of responsibility. And all I know to overcome fear skillfully, is to consciously face it head on. To simply say, 'Damn the torpedos, full steam ahead!' and to let the chips fall where they may.
Pain is an indicator that something needs to change. My indicators usually come through psychic pain. I don't like pain, and chemicals no longer work to alleviate my pain (except those produced by exercise, which is a good thing, I think), so I am left with changing whatever needs to be changed so I can live pain free (one of the reasons that I don't take a lot of credit for 'how far' I've come - you'd get pretty far, too, if you had a big grizzly bear named Pain on your ass!).
Mentally, I have to wrap my thoughts around, "I am doing a good job. I am exactly where I'm supposed to be, doing what I'm supposed to be doing." The only one complaining about my performance is me.
So, as usual, it's all good - I simply have to accept it.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
Namaste,
Ken
I think I know what part of it is - I recently changed my vocational activities. Previously, I had one full-time job at an inbound call center in Brookfield, and two part-time jobs in Waukesha. In January I released the call center job, and one of my other jobs became full-time. My call center job had hours all over the place, and I was always busy to some degree. Additionally, there were performance parameters at the call center job, and I had specific things to do with specific ways to do them.
My new work schedule is pretty much 8:30 - 4:30 M-F, and then 8-4 Saturday and Sunday for my part-time job. Additionally, I have a lot more time on my hands, as the commute to either job is under 30 minutes each way. Way under, actually. That's pretty boring, very stable, not much to remember.
I recently (yesterday) had a performance review at one of my jobs. It was excellent! I'm doing very well! Now if I can only convince myself! Neither of my current jobs have as many performance parameters as my old full-time job did. Certainly there are things at both jobs that I must do, but, for the most part, what I do each day and how I do it is largely determined by me, so long as it falls within my job descriptions and the policies and procedures of each of my employers. Other than the occasional emergency, there just isn't a lot of stress at either of my jobs. At my old full-time job, each day was stressful, but it was stress like exercise - like loading boxes onto a truck is stressful. When you're done for the day, you're done for the day.
So, that's great - I have plenty of stress-free work where I'm allowed to do stuff I enjoy and am good at. Great news! Unless I'm addicted to the cortisol created by daily stress - then it means I have to get used to a whole new way of life, and it might even (will be) uncomfortable.
"At the root of the addiction...is a reluctance to deal with ourselves on a deeper, more personal level. Cramming every moment of our lives with work, appointments and tasks means we don’t have to think about larger issues. And as it turns out, people will do almost anything to avoid themselves." Rachel Nuwer, from the article I linked to.
So is that why my inner voice has been nudging me to meditate more, to exercise more, to make better use of my free time? Is that why my home is still disorganized, tho' I've lived there 2 months already? I may dream of a serenely creative life, but what does that really look like? I've never lived one of those before!
It's that big ugly word, fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of success, fear of responsibility. And all I know to overcome fear skillfully, is to consciously face it head on. To simply say, 'Damn the torpedos, full steam ahead!' and to let the chips fall where they may.
Pain is an indicator that something needs to change. My indicators usually come through psychic pain. I don't like pain, and chemicals no longer work to alleviate my pain (except those produced by exercise, which is a good thing, I think), so I am left with changing whatever needs to be changed so I can live pain free (one of the reasons that I don't take a lot of credit for 'how far' I've come - you'd get pretty far, too, if you had a big grizzly bear named Pain on your ass!).
Mentally, I have to wrap my thoughts around, "I am doing a good job. I am exactly where I'm supposed to be, doing what I'm supposed to be doing." The only one complaining about my performance is me.
So, as usual, it's all good - I simply have to accept it.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
Namaste,
Ken
Wednesday, October 19, 2016
Yes, I Can!
As I've mentioned in previous posts, my life-long ambition had been to avoid anything that made me uncomfortable. This makes it difficult impossible to thrive, because it is the uncomfortable stuff that helps me grow. It's the meeting new people, learning new things, moving to new places, recovering from illnesses, advancing at work, etc., that gives me the experiences I need to develop fully as a human being.
I could make a list of all the things in life I've avoided that I see now would have benefited me if I had embraced them. I'm not going to do that here - it would be way too long. But, up until now, I spent most of my time and energy trying to protect myself from life (while trying to look like I was living life). I realize today that that isn't the purpose of human living at all - the purpose is to see how much we can expand and grow into the image and likeness of our Creator. I don't know about your Creator, but my Creator is omniscient and omnipotent - It knows all and has all power. Additionally, my Creator loves me because...It created me! (warts and all) So, when I endeavor to protect myself from people, ideas, activities, vocations, etc., that threaten me, I'm really wasting my time, because my Creator has my back. I do not need to protect myself - God's got me covered.
So how does this fit in with 'Yes, I Can'?
I've had lots of jobs. All of my jobs in the 21st century have helped me build character - in other words, all of my jobs, one way or another, have shown me things about me that can be improved upon.
I have 3 jobs now, and all of them ask me to stretch beyond my comfort zone in different ways. I'm very blessed! Here are two examples of being asked to do things that I didn't think I could do, and therefore really didn't want to, but I'm doing them anyway:
1. At one job, I was asked to be a mentor. At this particular job, I didn't really want to, because I really didn't think I did that good of a job there in the first place. (This idea I've found to be incorrect). Additionally, even if I could mentor new employees, I probably would not be the best mentor there. Also, being a mentor makes me uncomfortable because I have to deal one-on-one with people I don't know well, and they might not like me.
There are so many thinking errors in the above paragraph that come from long-held beliefs that need to be replaced with up-to-date, accurate beliefs about me and my abilities. First, in anything I undertake, absolutely the one and only thing I can be best at is being me. Everything else, there's going to be some people more skilled and talented than I am, and some people less skilled and talented. For instance, I like to write (I should hope so!), but I know of many writers that write a lot better than I do. I don't have to be the best to be good enough. Next, I used to be a pass/fail kind of guy. In other words, if I make a mistake in the process of doing whatever I'm doing, I've failed at what I'm doing. This belief, if acted upon 100%, would severely limit my ability to live. I'm a human being, therefore I make mistakes. Get over it. Instead of using the mistakes to beat myself up, use each mistake as an opportunity to improve. Last, whether or not somebody likes me has absolutely no bearing on who I am or on my worth as a human being. I think I'll probably spend the rest of my life learning that one.
2. At another job, I was asked to do some organizing. Oh my! I don't consider myself the most organized being on the planet. I really consider myself the least organized being on the planet. The actual Truth is probably somewhere in between those two thoughts. When I was asked to undertake this task, my first thought was, "Oh no, I can't organize anything!" But I have learned, especially over the past year, that where there is a will, there really is a way, and that if something is placed in front of me to do, through My Creator, I can do it. All things are possible. And so I'm doing it. Not very quickly, because it's a project and this is a part time job, but I'm doing it. Additionally, organization is one of those things that is dynamic, not static, so there's always room for improvement. Even if I did it perfectly today, tomorrow the needs of the organization might change, and I'll need to improve what I did yesterday.
By the way, my desire to be liked and approved of has helped me in recovery. It would be really hard for me to climb back into my shell - I feel that I would disappoint a lot of people around me. One day I'll be able to do the right thing whether or not I have support, but that's a post for the future.
Anyway, my point is this: armed with the knowledge that I still possess a fear-based belief system and that my first inclination toward most anything is to run and hide, I can take each opportunity that comes my way as an opportunity to cut another hole in that old belief and to develop the new belief of "Yes, I can!" There are tons of opportunities each day, from taking the telephone call I don't want to take, to being assertive and letting someone know what I need, to fearlessly expanding my passions, like speaking, writing, and music. Ooh boy, that's a tall order! But I am reminded of what one of my counselors, who is now a Unity minister, asked me: "How big is your Higher Power?" Fortunately for me today, my Higher Power is definitely not me; I don't know how big It is, but it is definitely bigger than me.
So I'm going to end with this quote by Marianne Williamson, from her book, A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of "A Course in Miracles":
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
Namaste,
Ken
I could make a list of all the things in life I've avoided that I see now would have benefited me if I had embraced them. I'm not going to do that here - it would be way too long. But, up until now, I spent most of my time and energy trying to protect myself from life (while trying to look like I was living life). I realize today that that isn't the purpose of human living at all - the purpose is to see how much we can expand and grow into the image and likeness of our Creator. I don't know about your Creator, but my Creator is omniscient and omnipotent - It knows all and has all power. Additionally, my Creator loves me because...It created me! (warts and all) So, when I endeavor to protect myself from people, ideas, activities, vocations, etc., that threaten me, I'm really wasting my time, because my Creator has my back. I do not need to protect myself - God's got me covered.
So how does this fit in with 'Yes, I Can'?
I've had lots of jobs. All of my jobs in the 21st century have helped me build character - in other words, all of my jobs, one way or another, have shown me things about me that can be improved upon.
I have 3 jobs now, and all of them ask me to stretch beyond my comfort zone in different ways. I'm very blessed! Here are two examples of being asked to do things that I didn't think I could do, and therefore really didn't want to, but I'm doing them anyway:
1. At one job, I was asked to be a mentor. At this particular job, I didn't really want to, because I really didn't think I did that good of a job there in the first place. (This idea I've found to be incorrect). Additionally, even if I could mentor new employees, I probably would not be the best mentor there. Also, being a mentor makes me uncomfortable because I have to deal one-on-one with people I don't know well, and they might not like me.
There are so many thinking errors in the above paragraph that come from long-held beliefs that need to be replaced with up-to-date, accurate beliefs about me and my abilities. First, in anything I undertake, absolutely the one and only thing I can be best at is being me. Everything else, there's going to be some people more skilled and talented than I am, and some people less skilled and talented. For instance, I like to write (I should hope so!), but I know of many writers that write a lot better than I do. I don't have to be the best to be good enough. Next, I used to be a pass/fail kind of guy. In other words, if I make a mistake in the process of doing whatever I'm doing, I've failed at what I'm doing. This belief, if acted upon 100%, would severely limit my ability to live. I'm a human being, therefore I make mistakes. Get over it. Instead of using the mistakes to beat myself up, use each mistake as an opportunity to improve. Last, whether or not somebody likes me has absolutely no bearing on who I am or on my worth as a human being. I think I'll probably spend the rest of my life learning that one.
2. At another job, I was asked to do some organizing. Oh my! I don't consider myself the most organized being on the planet. I really consider myself the least organized being on the planet. The actual Truth is probably somewhere in between those two thoughts. When I was asked to undertake this task, my first thought was, "Oh no, I can't organize anything!" But I have learned, especially over the past year, that where there is a will, there really is a way, and that if something is placed in front of me to do, through My Creator, I can do it. All things are possible. And so I'm doing it. Not very quickly, because it's a project and this is a part time job, but I'm doing it. Additionally, organization is one of those things that is dynamic, not static, so there's always room for improvement. Even if I did it perfectly today, tomorrow the needs of the organization might change, and I'll need to improve what I did yesterday.
By the way, my desire to be liked and approved of has helped me in recovery. It would be really hard for me to climb back into my shell - I feel that I would disappoint a lot of people around me. One day I'll be able to do the right thing whether or not I have support, but that's a post for the future.
Anyway, my point is this: armed with the knowledge that I still possess a fear-based belief system and that my first inclination toward most anything is to run and hide, I can take each opportunity that comes my way as an opportunity to cut another hole in that old belief and to develop the new belief of "Yes, I can!" There are tons of opportunities each day, from taking the telephone call I don't want to take, to being assertive and letting someone know what I need, to fearlessly expanding my passions, like speaking, writing, and music. Ooh boy, that's a tall order! But I am reminded of what one of my counselors, who is now a Unity minister, asked me: "How big is your Higher Power?" Fortunately for me today, my Higher Power is definitely not me; I don't know how big It is, but it is definitely bigger than me.
So I'm going to end with this quote by Marianne Williamson, from her book, A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of "A Course in Miracles":
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
Namaste,
Ken
Tuesday, July 19, 2016
In This Moment...
In this moment, I am free.
In this moment, I am healthy.
In this moment, I love myself.
In this moment, I am loved.
In this moment, I am connected.
In this moment, I am enough.
In this moment, I am peace.
In this moment, I am perfect.
In this moment, I am calm.
In this moment, I am rich.
In this moment, I am strong.
In this moment, I am courageous.
In this moment, I am well.
In this moment, I am blessed.
In this moment, I am beautiful.
In this moment, I am secure.
Namaste,
Ken
In this moment, I am healthy.
In this moment, I love myself.
In this moment, I am loved.
In this moment, I am connected.
In this moment, I am enough.
In this moment, I am peace.
In this moment, I am perfect.
In this moment, I am calm.
In this moment, I am rich.
In this moment, I am strong.
In this moment, I am courageous.
In this moment, I am well.
In this moment, I am blessed.
In this moment, I am beautiful.
In this moment, I am secure.
Namaste,
Ken
Friday, July 15, 2016
3 Days
I was recalling today my last relapse, which took place in early April, 2015. Obviously, if you've read my previous posts, you'd know that the relapse began way before that, with my thinking and my actions; but the actual breaking of my abstinence from alcohol took place in early April.
The straw that broke the camel's back was that my vehicle, which I needed for my livelihood at the time, took a major dump. I originally started my business with my Monte Carlo, which was a really nice car. I decided I needed a small van, because the Monte Carlo was not a good car to use for hauling equipment. I did a quick sale on the Monte Carlo for less than it was worth, and paid $500 for a Town and Country minivan that had over 200,000 miles. Now, I did get my money's worth out of the van - it definitely paid for itself. However, I tried running it long after it should have been declared dead, and it ended up costing quite a bit before I finally let it go. Then I was vehicle-less for awhile, and this was in the middle of winter. So, I suspended my business for a couple of months, and relied mainly upon my part-time job at the hardware store. Getting there was difficult, and I asked some people for a lot of rides. Then I bought a temporary interim car (a Grand Prix) to use while I waited for my next van, and that was somewhat helpful. I then purchased my last ride, the Astro Van. That went fairly well for a couple of months, and then the head gasket blew. I would have had to fix the head gasket or buy a rebuilt engine to get this van running again, and I just did not have the resources for that.
I had the van towed to my mechanic's garage. One of my first thoughts was, "I wonder what kind of wonderful story will come from this?", which is actually very good thinking; however, I did not believe it. I did not understand at the time what the real problem was. This is what is important:
I did not understand at the time what the real problem was.
I spent the next couple of days trying to figure out how I could fix the van or replace it, or what I could do to make money real quick. I spent all of my energy looking at ways to keep my fledgling business alive. Finally, after 3 days, I lost all hope, and decided that I will never succeed at anything in life and I might as well be dead, and I began the potentially fatal business of drinking.
Not once during those three days did I consider the questions, "How will I put my recovery first and stay sober through this?", or, "What do I need to change in me?" Not once did I consider this to be an indicator that I was sick inside, and that I needed to begin healing. I was a time bomb waiting for the next shoe to drop (that's mixing metaphors, by the way).
The problem was, and I was so unaware of it, that the change must come from within before it shows up without.
When I began to accept that I have lots of healing to do, and that that healing must come first, my recovery began. When I began to accept that the problem is not life itself, but my reactions to life, my recovery began. When I began to accept that I was a part of the universe, not the center of it and not apart from it, but a part of it, my recovery began. When I began to accept that I need to listen to others as well as myself, my recovery began. When I began to accept that the only thing I have to do today is do my best to stay in recovery, my recovery began. When I began to believe that there might be a diamond hidden underneath piles of shit, and when I picked up the tools to start digging, my recovery began.
Was it inevitable, did I need to drink again to begin this discovery? I've heard that I needed absolutely everything I've experienced to get to where I am today, and I've debated that. But, looking back today, I needed to be defeated physically, mentally, and spiritually in order to begin to accept real recovery. Am I glad I had my last relapse? No. It was painful, and it really sucked, and I'm still paying for it today. I am very grateful for what has come from that, and I am so grateful to be living the life I'm living today. I am rich and truly blessed.
Namaste,
Ken
The straw that broke the camel's back was that my vehicle, which I needed for my livelihood at the time, took a major dump. I originally started my business with my Monte Carlo, which was a really nice car. I decided I needed a small van, because the Monte Carlo was not a good car to use for hauling equipment. I did a quick sale on the Monte Carlo for less than it was worth, and paid $500 for a Town and Country minivan that had over 200,000 miles. Now, I did get my money's worth out of the van - it definitely paid for itself. However, I tried running it long after it should have been declared dead, and it ended up costing quite a bit before I finally let it go. Then I was vehicle-less for awhile, and this was in the middle of winter. So, I suspended my business for a couple of months, and relied mainly upon my part-time job at the hardware store. Getting there was difficult, and I asked some people for a lot of rides. Then I bought a temporary interim car (a Grand Prix) to use while I waited for my next van, and that was somewhat helpful. I then purchased my last ride, the Astro Van. That went fairly well for a couple of months, and then the head gasket blew. I would have had to fix the head gasket or buy a rebuilt engine to get this van running again, and I just did not have the resources for that.
I had the van towed to my mechanic's garage. One of my first thoughts was, "I wonder what kind of wonderful story will come from this?", which is actually very good thinking; however, I did not believe it. I did not understand at the time what the real problem was. This is what is important:
I did not understand at the time what the real problem was.
I spent the next couple of days trying to figure out how I could fix the van or replace it, or what I could do to make money real quick. I spent all of my energy looking at ways to keep my fledgling business alive. Finally, after 3 days, I lost all hope, and decided that I will never succeed at anything in life and I might as well be dead, and I began the potentially fatal business of drinking.
Not once during those three days did I consider the questions, "How will I put my recovery first and stay sober through this?", or, "What do I need to change in me?" Not once did I consider this to be an indicator that I was sick inside, and that I needed to begin healing. I was a time bomb waiting for the next shoe to drop (that's mixing metaphors, by the way).
The problem was, and I was so unaware of it, that the change must come from within before it shows up without.
When I began to accept that I have lots of healing to do, and that that healing must come first, my recovery began. When I began to accept that the problem is not life itself, but my reactions to life, my recovery began. When I began to accept that I was a part of the universe, not the center of it and not apart from it, but a part of it, my recovery began. When I began to accept that I need to listen to others as well as myself, my recovery began. When I began to accept that the only thing I have to do today is do my best to stay in recovery, my recovery began. When I began to believe that there might be a diamond hidden underneath piles of shit, and when I picked up the tools to start digging, my recovery began.
Was it inevitable, did I need to drink again to begin this discovery? I've heard that I needed absolutely everything I've experienced to get to where I am today, and I've debated that. But, looking back today, I needed to be defeated physically, mentally, and spiritually in order to begin to accept real recovery. Am I glad I had my last relapse? No. It was painful, and it really sucked, and I'm still paying for it today. I am very grateful for what has come from that, and I am so grateful to be living the life I'm living today. I am rich and truly blessed.
Namaste,
Ken
Tuesday, June 28, 2016
I Have a Voice, Part Two
In order to stay in recovery, one of the things I must practice is releasing blame. I heard a speaker say recently, “Victims don’t stay sober.” And I can probably extrapolate from that that victims don’t maintain mental/emotional health, either. I don’t necessarily need to accept responsibility for everything that has happened to me; however, I do need to accept responsibility for my reactions and I do need to accept responsibility for my healing. Others may assist in my healing, pointing things out to me, holding my hand, and/or guiding the way, but in the end, I am the person responsible for my life. A big part of accepting responsibility is acknowledging and accepting those instances where my thinking and actions have been less than skillful, forgiving myself, and learning new, more skillful ways to think and act.
All that being said, I wanted to write down a couple of things I experienced while I was an elementary school student that I’ve never written down before, and almost never talked about. The first is what I remember from 1st grade: I remember standing in the corner in the front of the classroom with my back toward the class. I turned around to look at the class, and my 1st grade teacher said, very sternly, “Turn around. Nobody wants to see your face.” This is one of those things that some folks can use for humorous stories later in life. Not me. First, I do not remember to this day what I said or did that sent me into the corner. Second, as was my custom back then, I never talked about this incident – to anybody. Third, I believed what she said, and my thinking back then was that if somebody was pissed at me, they were pissed off for life. There was no forgiveness, or problem resolution or anything like that. Each ‘bad’ thing I did, each mistake I made, became another brick in my wall of self-hatred that separated me from you, God, and everybody else.
The second thing that impacted me greatly in elementary school involved the band. Starting in the 5th grade, we had the opportunity to begin to learn to play band instruments and take lessons. The instructor was on loan from the middle school. I was interested in learning to play the baritone. I am musically inclined, and had begun my piano studies some 3 years earlier. The band met before school started in the little library. Due to the low amount of regular attendees, the instructor began thinking about cutting out the band program at our school. I did not want to lose this opportunity, and I voiced (to somebody, I don't remember exactly who) that I really would like the band to continue. I remember a teacher, a Mrs. ____, telling me in no uncertain terms that whether or not the band existed was none of my business, and that I needed to learn to keep my opinions to myself. As I write this, I feel a great amount of sadness, hurt, and anger. Back then, I probably felt that too, but, per my M.O., I kept it to myself.
I use these examples to illustrate what I learned very early in life - #1, I needed to avoid pissing anybody off. #2, If I needed or wanted something, the thing to do was not to ask, but to somehow get what I wanted without you knowing I was getting what I wanted. Over the years, I honed my skills at being a devious little shit.
There have been lots of consequences from running my life this way, not the least of which has been spending 5 years of my life incarcerated in jail and prison. The deeper damage was that I never learned to express my true self in appropriate and healthy ways, and I stuffed a lot and I tried to drink and drug a lot away. I really am surprised to this day that I am as physically healthy as I am. I understand that stuffing our feelings and covering up who we are creates all sorts of stress-related disease processes in our body, and, so far, all I seem to have acquired is alcoholism and depression. I suppose that's enough.
Today I am learning a different way. I'm learning that, yes, there are some people who do want to see my face, despite the fact that sometimes I do and/or say stuff that is inappropriate. Today I'm learning that it is ok to be human, that the experience, though messy and fraught with trials and tribulations, is quite natural and normal and can sometimes be quite joyful. Today I'm learning that I was not created to cover up who I am, but to discover who I am and to share who I am (appropriately) with others. And I'm learning that it's ok for someone to be pissed off at what I say or do, that my responsibility is not to regulate anyone else's feelings, but to regulate my thoughts, feelings, and actions so that I am always endeavoring to express the best of that which I am capable. Today I'm learning to ask for what I need or want, and that it's ok to be told no. Today I'm learning that it is much better to be up front, that my desires aren't wrong, they are simply my desires.
It's a long process. This blog is part of that process. Sharing my story in person with others is part of the process. Openly and honestly interacting with others is part of the process. To this day, there's not a day that goes by that I don't hear the critical voice in my head telling me how stupid I am for speaking up or for taking risks. I don't think there's a medication to shut that voice up, but I think I'm teaching that voice bit by bit that I am safe and loved, and it is ok for me to have a voice and express who I am.
Namaste,
Ken
Sunday, January 17, 2016
Little Miracles
I like little miracles. Little miracles are easier for me to
see and digest than are big miracles. For some reason, I'm not thrilled out of
my pants to be alive, sober, and sane today. I'm grateful and I'm glad, but I
don't have the feeling one might get from surviving or escaping a near-death
experience, which I get to do on a daily basis. But I get to see little
miracles every day, when I've a mind to.
Little miracles are those things that I experience that practically no one else would give a shit about. They are events and occurrences in my life which would not make the headlines, but they are meaningful to me. They are those things which show evidence of a Higher Power in my life. Things like waking up in the morning without feeling anger, fear, and dread. Things like paying my rent on time, and paying my debts. Things like being able to return love and compassion when I am confronted with a person filled with anger and grief. Things like being able to believe in things I don't yet see. Things like not having a lot materially, but being able to see the value in that which I do have. Things like having a ton of true friends and the feeling of being a part of, rather than apart from. Things like really being ok with sitting at a computer in the public library and shedding tears of joy without shame.Winter is not my favorite season. I don't particularly care for wearing 50 lbs. of clothing to stay warm and having to slog through snow and ice. But I've been told that there is beauty and reason in everything that exists, no matter what the appearances are. The other day, I was slogging through the evidence of winter to an appointment, and I mentioned to the Universe how I thought it would be nice to see the beauty in this crap. I came to a golf course which, during summer months, I have cut across to shorten my walk. There was a sign that said 'Course Closed'. Of course. I usually take signs as suggestions, rather than as orders, and I began to walk across the golf course. What I began to see as I walked across the course reminded me of a picture postcard - the fairway was virgin snow, framed by trees on either side. I really don't have words to describe how pretty it looked to me as I walked forth to my destination, but I knew my request to the Universe had been granted - I was able to experience beauty in something in which I usually experience discomfort.
Each day in which I open my mind and my heart to the presence of my Higher Power is a day in which I can experience these little miracles, and I am grateful. Thank you God!
Namasté,
Ken
Sunday, November 22, 2015
Namasté
I end my posts with the word namasté, and it occurred to me today that I might want to explain it a bit. Namasté is a Sanskrit word and it is used as a greeting. It's a little word that can carry a lot of meaning. Roughly translated, it means the Divine in me recognizes the Divine in you.
It really can be more than a greeting between people on the spiritual path. It is a recognition of the connection every living being has with the Creator, and, moreover, it is a recognition of my connection with you.
Part of the human experience is recognizing our differences. On a very human level, we're all very different. We're different genders, colors, sizes, and shapes. We have different languages, belief systems, and customs. We eat different foods and enjoy and dislike different things. When looked at at a strictly human level, life can be a pretty lonely place.
When looked at through the spiritual lens, it becomes a bit of a paradox. We can see that no two individuals are exactly alike, yet we all come from the same idea in the Divine Mind. We are all expressions of Spirit, each of us expressing Spirit in our own unique way.
Namasté allows me to see our differences with an understanding that it is all good - it is a level of acceptance that says our Creator made each of us, and if you are ok by God, then I'll let you be ok by me, too. Namasté allows me to drop the judgment, to recognize your unique attributes as gifts, not defects. It allows me to explore your experience with a sense of wonder rather than a sense of fear. And by the same token, it allows me to be who I am in that moment, too.
We are all God's children on a path leading back to God. When I recognize this, life becomes richer - I find myself surrounded by the infinite number of ways in which our Creator shows up.
Today I can use namasté not only in my writing and greeting of like-minded people, but also in silently greeting everyone I meet, either physically or in my consciousness. This practice helps me grow in understanding that, no matter what appearances are, we are all led by the same loving Creator and all of our experiences and gifts are valuable.
Namasté,
Ken
It really can be more than a greeting between people on the spiritual path. It is a recognition of the connection every living being has with the Creator, and, moreover, it is a recognition of my connection with you.
Part of the human experience is recognizing our differences. On a very human level, we're all very different. We're different genders, colors, sizes, and shapes. We have different languages, belief systems, and customs. We eat different foods and enjoy and dislike different things. When looked at at a strictly human level, life can be a pretty lonely place.
When looked at through the spiritual lens, it becomes a bit of a paradox. We can see that no two individuals are exactly alike, yet we all come from the same idea in the Divine Mind. We are all expressions of Spirit, each of us expressing Spirit in our own unique way.
Namasté allows me to see our differences with an understanding that it is all good - it is a level of acceptance that says our Creator made each of us, and if you are ok by God, then I'll let you be ok by me, too. Namasté allows me to drop the judgment, to recognize your unique attributes as gifts, not defects. It allows me to explore your experience with a sense of wonder rather than a sense of fear. And by the same token, it allows me to be who I am in that moment, too.
We are all God's children on a path leading back to God. When I recognize this, life becomes richer - I find myself surrounded by the infinite number of ways in which our Creator shows up.
Today I can use namasté not only in my writing and greeting of like-minded people, but also in silently greeting everyone I meet, either physically or in my consciousness. This practice helps me grow in understanding that, no matter what appearances are, we are all led by the same loving Creator and all of our experiences and gifts are valuable.
Namasté,
Ken
Monday, August 24, 2015
Golden Attitude
I recently had an experience that showed me tangibly how important, how powerful, attitude is. The job I have is a lot like panning for gold. The gold is the goal, and I and my coworkers have various streams in which to find the gold. We are given a goal for the day - find x amount of gold - and we are expected to meet or exceed that goal.
I've been at this job a couple of months, and I was having difficulty meeting my goal. There was always something in the way. Following is the list of 'obstacles' I was encountering:
I don't have the right equipment
People around me aren't doing their job, which impacts on mine
My coworkers are lying when they report how much 'gold' they have mined
I find nothing but garbage in all of my 'streams'
The goals are stupid
This was my basic list of obstacles, or reasons (excuses) why I couldn't meet my goal.
I have been taught that the most important aspect of me that I bring to any situation is my attitude. I know this, but it is difficult to practice sometimes. One of my shortcomings seems to be that I can easily find what's wrong in any given situation. That seems to come naturally to me. What is challenging is finding what's right or what's good about any given situation.
Jesus said, "Seek and you will find." I interpret that to mean that whatever I'm looking for, I will find. So, if I'm expecting to find garbage in my stream and no gold, that's what I'm going to get - garbage, no gold (or very little).
So, over the couple of months that I've been at my job, I've been endeavoring to change the way I look at my job through setting my intention and prayer. At first, I just intended to reach my goal. That wasn't enough, because of the obstacles (listed above) that were in my way. So what I learned to do first was to doubt the obstacles. All of my obstacles were subjective judgments on my part and weren't necessarily the truth. With that came some acceptance - acceptance that this is the way things are where I work, and I'm not going to change it, so I better get ok with it.
Yesterday at work I finally made the goal. I had overcome the last obstacle, which was "I find nothing but garbage in all of my streams." This is the most challenging obstacle for me to overcome, because it requires me to look past the 'facts'. It requires me to stretch my beliefs. It requires me to doubt my own perception of the way things are. It means that what Jesus taught really is true, that my life is not what happens to me or what goes on around me, but is what is going on inside of me.
This is a powerful lesson for me. It shows me that if I can set aside my own doubts about my ability to succeed, no matter where those doubts come from or how long I've had them, that I can succeed.
I am grateful today for the willingness and courage to continue to move forward and actually apply the principles I've learned.
I've been at this job a couple of months, and I was having difficulty meeting my goal. There was always something in the way. Following is the list of 'obstacles' I was encountering:
I don't have the right equipment
People around me aren't doing their job, which impacts on mine
My coworkers are lying when they report how much 'gold' they have mined
I find nothing but garbage in all of my 'streams'
The goals are stupid
This was my basic list of obstacles, or reasons (excuses) why I couldn't meet my goal.
I have been taught that the most important aspect of me that I bring to any situation is my attitude. I know this, but it is difficult to practice sometimes. One of my shortcomings seems to be that I can easily find what's wrong in any given situation. That seems to come naturally to me. What is challenging is finding what's right or what's good about any given situation.
Jesus said, "Seek and you will find." I interpret that to mean that whatever I'm looking for, I will find. So, if I'm expecting to find garbage in my stream and no gold, that's what I'm going to get - garbage, no gold (or very little).
So, over the couple of months that I've been at my job, I've been endeavoring to change the way I look at my job through setting my intention and prayer. At first, I just intended to reach my goal. That wasn't enough, because of the obstacles (listed above) that were in my way. So what I learned to do first was to doubt the obstacles. All of my obstacles were subjective judgments on my part and weren't necessarily the truth. With that came some acceptance - acceptance that this is the way things are where I work, and I'm not going to change it, so I better get ok with it.
Yesterday at work I finally made the goal. I had overcome the last obstacle, which was "I find nothing but garbage in all of my streams." This is the most challenging obstacle for me to overcome, because it requires me to look past the 'facts'. It requires me to stretch my beliefs. It requires me to doubt my own perception of the way things are. It means that what Jesus taught really is true, that my life is not what happens to me or what goes on around me, but is what is going on inside of me.
This is a powerful lesson for me. It shows me that if I can set aside my own doubts about my ability to succeed, no matter where those doubts come from or how long I've had them, that I can succeed.
I am grateful today for the willingness and courage to continue to move forward and actually apply the principles I've learned.
Namasté,
Ken
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