A New Chapter

"...I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference."
- The Road Not Taken, Robert Frost

A blank page. That's what is in front of me, and that's good news, since I can write whatever I want to write on it. It's a difficult concept to grasp, however - the fact that each and every day we have the choice to create whatever kind of day we choose.

Humans, at least American humans, get so hell-bent on obtaining a false sense of security. Living free is scary, so let's find the proper mate, the proper job, the proper home, and the proper insurance policy so that we can live out our lives as absolutely comfortably as possible. Life, however, has a tendency to throw a wrench in our works - a diagnosis, a new invention that makes our profession obsolete, a tornado or hurricane, or any number of 'unforeseen circumstances' can turn our comfortable, secure, serene world upside down. What then?

Time for a new chapter.

I'm fortunate that no man-made or natural disaster can match the catastrophes I create for myself. I'm currently homeless again, and it's not that I didn't see that train coming down the tracks. I have been unable, since October, 2018, of bringing myself to securing a regular source of income (getting a job), so it was just a matter of time, and the time was March 10th. Fortunately, this homeless gig isn't a new thing for me, and I haven't lost all my material possessions. I do believe this homelessness will motivate me more toward getting another job (in other words, it's not the market, it's me). I've also got more people supporting me than I've ever had before, and that counts for a lot. There are many who experience homelessness without having any moral support to help them through it. I've been there, and that sucks. I've got people to turn to, and even ways to make make a little cash until I get 'back on my feet'. (Where am I now, on my ass?)

Besides graduating high school and getting married twice, I've yet to, in this lifetime, start new chapters without creating some sort of catastrophe. It's not that catastrophes bother me much anymore; however, now that I'm no longer going through life alone, my catastrophes affect the people who love and care for me, and that bothers me. So, it behooves me to get this worked out as quickly as I can so I'm not stressing out my loved ones. I'd like to learn how to start new chapters more gracefully.

When I look at life as a series of catastrophes, it is a series of catastrophes. When I look at life as an adventure, filled with situations that test what I'm made of and stretch my self-made boundaries, then that is what life becomes. Everything is how I look at it. Last night was my first night in the shelter, and I was surprised at how accepting I was. Because it's still kind of cold, the shelter is overflowing, and a dozen or so of us ended up sleeping on army cots next to each other in the open spaces. Not fun, but it was ok, and I was grateful to be indoors. It's still a good motivator for me to do what I can do to become a bit more stable. I'd love to retire, but I'm not at that age yet, so I guess I'll work for a few more years.

As far as the mental health and sobriety goes, that always will be a daily process, and that's where my blank page starts - what am I going to do today to enhance my recovery? For without my recovery, I've got nothing. I'd be on the streets.

So I will continue to post about what I find along the way as I make this journey. Until then...

Namasté,

Ken

Do Not Ask For Whom The Bell Tolls

I found out today that a man I knew lost his life to his mental health condition. He passed away a week ago after threatening a police officer who was questioning him. He threatened him with a knife and the police officer shot him.

I feel a lot of sadness right now - I'm sad for the man who lost his life, and I'm sad for the police officer. I'm sad for the community, because the community lost a good man who made a bad choice in a moment of stress. I'm sad for me because that could have been me, or could be me some day. 

Our community has one of the best trained Crisis Intervention police forces around. Crisis Intervention Training allows police officers alternatives to deadly force when confronting citizens who are experiencing a psychiatric crisis. This community is a safe community, yet we're not immune to tragedy. I was not there, so I do not know how it all went down; all I know is that an officer was threatened by a man with a knife, and the officer protected himself. 

We're all presented with possibilities each day. Stuff happens. A police officer in our community went to talk with my friend regarding a legal issue, things got out of hand, and my friend lost his life. That quick. 

It's a reminder. It's a reminder not to take my health or anyone else's mental health for granted. Depression, bipolar disorder, and schizophrenia all have their dark symptoms, and, more often than I'd like, the result is loss of life. One of the aspects of mental health conditions is that the symptoms of a mental health condition rarely affect only the sufferer - they affect the people close to the person living with the condition, and sometimes they affect the community. In this case, the community lost a much loved individual, and a police officer has to live with a death on his/her hands. 

Please know that most often people with mental health conditions are not violent towards others, and that mental health conditions are treatable. It takes education and understanding as well as compassion.

I write this to bring awareness to whomever reads this about mental health conditions. They exist, and people live with them. Often, we are unaware that someone we know lives with a mental health condition - when we are in recovery, our symptoms don't show up in a way that is remarkable, so people may not know we are living with a life-threatening illness. Sometimes it's a surprise when someone we know begins behaving out of character or engages in self-destructive behavior. It is often scary. 

I hope his death was not in vain. There is good that comes from every tragedy, and if a person suffering with a mental health condition can get appropriate treatment and live, then this gentleman's death was not in vain. But he will be missed for all he did for his community. Rest in peace.

Namasté,

Ken