Friday, April 10, 2020

Where the Impossible Becomes Possible

I had an odd, interesting, eye-opening experience tonight. To preface, in case you're not aware or if you're reading this in the future, this is April 2020 and we are in the middle of a pandemic. Because of this, certain restrictions are in place, and people are quarantining themselves, and group gatherings, like recovery meetings, have been cancelled or are done online with programs like zoom.com and gotomeeting.com. This was the case tonight - I was virtually attending a recovery meeting from Wisconsin that I used to physically attend regularly. People's faces were flashing on the screen, people I've known for years, and who've known me for years, and I began to feel very uncomfortable, very anxious, and I didn't want these people to see me or know that I was there. I pressed the 'leave meeting' button and noped right out of there.

I was really surprised by my reaction, as I've physically returned to meetings where I've been absent for a while, and it's been ok. Tonight, I felt fear, anxiety, guilt,  shame. I didn't want my old friends to see me, and I virtually turned around and walked away.

About two weeks ago I had a crisis. I was seriously depressed, had no hope, and no longer wanted to live. I was hospitalized for a few days. One of the things that came out of that experience was I was put on different medication. The doctor asked me if I wanted to try it, and I said, "yes," thinking what the f*&k difference does it make anyway? I also had a similar experience to the one I described in my last post - I had come into the hospital with a plastic water bottle filled with vodka. My property was taken and stored during my hospitalization, and returned upon discharge. I did not know whether staff had discovered my vodka or not, but, as in the last post, that bottle was on my mind. I discovered that staff did not discover my bottle, and I left that hospital on the fence - do I continue to do whatever I can to get well, or do I start drinking again, hoping I'll permanently self-destruct? I chose to pour the vodka on the ground and throw the bottle away.

What I have discovered after leaving the hospital and the vodka behind is that I feel better, more clear, brighter, than I have in probably two years. I feel almost functional. I have hope. I have willingness to do whatever it takes to stay in recovery. I can't attribute it all to the medication change, as I haven't been taking it that long; however, I think the medication might have a lot to do with it. The interesting thing is that the medication I accepted is medication that I would not in my 'right' mind take - I took it with a screw it attitude, and found out it isn't like I thought it would be. Imagine that!

I've also discovered that spontaneous feelings are beginning to return. What I have been guilty of most of my adult life is learning what feelings I should have in which situation and acting. The only real feelings I had for a long time were anger and fear. I don't recommend this way of living. And the miracle is that I am no longer afraid to experience my feelings. I am willing to have them, learn from them, and let them go.

As I mentioned earlier, the feelings I felt going into that virtual recovery meeting were fear, guilt, and shame. Why? Because these people were my friends. Even though I kept them at arm's length, they always showed they cared for me and wanted me around. They probably would have done the same tonight if I'd stuck around, but I chose to run. And when I moved from Wisconsin to Arizona, I consulted nobody. I picked up and moved without saying a word. I abandoned my friends, and they had no idea what happened to me. That's a shitty, shameful way to behave, and I realized tonight that I owe them amends.

And that brings us to the title of this post - 'Where the Impossible Becomes Possible.' I had another virtual meeting to go to which started an hour after the first one that I bugged out of. Between the first meeting and the second, I sat with what happened and what I was feeling. Tonight my feelings were visceral. The remarkable thing is that I didn't have a desire to cover up or stuff the way I was feeling; I was able to sit with it and learn from it. That is when I realized I need to offer amends to my friends, but I have no idea when or how this is going to happen. It seems impossible.

So I went virtually to the second meeting, which featured a speaker sharing his experience, strength, and hope with addiction and recovery. I related a lot to his story - he also had created situations in his life that seemed impossible to overcome. But by putting down the alcohol, and doing the things other alcoholics before him had done to recover, he began to get well - he began to overcome those impossible situations that he had created in his life. Because we work a spiritual program of recovery, God is able to do for us what we cannot do for ourselves - if we let Him.

I do not know how to have a real relationship with another human being. I learned how to push people away and bring alcohol closer, and my level of distrust and disconnectedness of others grew. It seemed easier to distrust from the get-go than it would be to grow close and eventually experience the disappointment of a person abandoning me.

How do I begin to recognize, acknowledge, and embrace my connection with others? I don't know exactly how it is going to happen, but I do know this - that when I embrace an attitude of willingness to get well, the Universe opens all sorts of doors that I didn't know were there. I have seen it happen in others, and I have seen it happen in myself, and I see it happening now. Nothing is impossible with God. I don't have to know how things will get better; all I have to do is apply as much honesty and willingness that I can, and be open-minded and accepting of what shows up in my life. So many times I have closed the doors that Source has opened for me, but I must remember this: there is not a problem I can create that is bigger than my Higher Power. 

I have been cursed and blessed to have the desire to live a bigger life than I'm living. I can't sit with new information about who I really am an continue to live the way I've always lived - I must allow change for the better and healing into my life. I must let go of fear and old beliefs, and open my mind, my emotions, an my arms to what God has in store for me. I must continue to develop faith and courage as I become the man I would be. It's a tall order, but I don't have to do it alone. I have God, and I have a ton of good people around me who love and support me in proportion to my willingness to accept their love and support.

Namasté,

Ken

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