A Look at the Evidence

One of the tools of cognitive behavioral therapy is examining the evidence. Cognitive behavioral therapy teaches the client (me) about cognitive distortions, or thinking errors. People who live with addiction and/or depression/anxiety very often have a host of cognitive distortions that keep us in our sickness - modes of thinking that are habitual, so that we don't even know we're screwing ourselves with our own thinking. Our own thinking seems natural, and therefore correct (1st cognitive distortion). One of the great things about CBT is that after accepting my thinking is screwed up, and learning about how it's screwed up and how to avoid letting my messed up thinking inform my choices and behavior, I can practice this therapy on on my own.

An incident occurred yesterday that allowed me to practice examining the evidence. I was back at waving the sign for the home improvement company that owns the house in which I live. If you've missed earlier posts, I don't have a regular job yet - I advertise beside a busy highway for rent credit, and I work side (cash) jobs otherwise. So I was back at waving at cars yesterday, and I was a bit concerned that someone might think I was protesting something, since that's what's been going on in our country the past week or two. Yes, I know it's a stretch, but another thing that helps my less-than-rational thinking is shining the light on my inner bs. I had even come up with a line - "The only thing I'm protesting is the condition of your raggedy old house!" Another thing that had been concerning me was that my presence might distract someone and cause an accident, or that the wind might blow the sign out of my had into someone's windshield and cause an accident or damage a car. That last part is somewhat justified, as it can get very windy when I do this, and I have to work a little at not letting the wind take the sign away from me. 

But yesterday, something happened - the traffic slows where I stand due to traffic lights, and a jeep rear-ended a pickup truck right in front of me. Fortunately, nobody was injured, but both vehicles sustained damage. So here comes that worrisome thought, "My presence here is distracting enough to cause accidents." The cognitive distortion here, or the prevailing belief, is that I cause bad stuff to happen by my very presence. I can prove it - it just happened! And I began looking at the evidence - I have been doing this job for weeks - many hours, and many thousands of cars - without mishap. I stood at my post and continued to wave to cars while the fire department and police department came to check things out and clean it up. Neither the driver of the jeep or any of the occupants of the pickup truck told me I was responsible for the accident. None of the fire department personnel indicated I might be responsible, and none of the police that showed up came and questioned me about anything - I was standing there in plain view, and they ignored me! Over the weeks that I have been doing this job, members of every conceivable law enforcement agency have observed me doing what I'm doing, and, again, nobody has stopped and said I might be enough of a distraction to cause an accident. Now, I am enough of a distraction that several people have stopped at the business to inquire, so it's not like I'm invisible out there - quite the opposite. I'm just another normal distraction, like any other road sign or pedestrian. So the verdict is that the evidence does not support my contention that my mere presence caused an accident.

This is another example of how therapy done right at the right time can be extremely helpful later on. I've mentioned before that I was exposed to CBT in the 90's, but it didn't help me because I didn't believe anything was wrong with my thinking at the time, and I wasn't very open to having my views changed. In the 90's, I was the type of person that would run to a person or a facility for 'help', only to reject the help that was given. I didn't really want help; I wanted someone to take responsibility for my life and make me feel better. Today it's different, and each time I take responsibility for my thinking and actions and work to repair them, I grow a little bit.  I'm very thankful!

Namasté,

Ken

Student Driver

I was getting my Arizona ID, and I saw that they'll give a person a 'Student Driver' bumper sticker if one asks. I thought about getting one to put on my back.

My experience is that an essential component of recovery, both from mental health issues and addiction, is the acquisition of a beginner's mind. This is where humility comes in - the state of being that says, "Maybe I don't know everything there is to know about alcoholism, depression, recovery, spirituality, life. Maybe there's something more I can learn." Beginner's mind gives us the willingness to try new concepts and to take actions that we don't necessarily believe are going to be helpful. Beginner's mind says, "Lay aside what you think you know about yourself and about life long enough to try something different." 

In this endeavor to acquire beginner's mind, alcohol is an ally. As the disease of alcoholism (addiction) progresses, alcohol does less of what I want it to do - render me comfortable in my own skin and allow me to like myself and life - and more of what I don't want it to do - cause unwanted behavior, aggravate and increase depression, and create serious health problems (and, formerly, legal problems). I can see this, but once started, I can't stop on my own, or once stopped, I can't stay stopped. It makes no sense, and I can't figure it out. So I stumble into the arms of people like me - people who once drank as I did, but are now enjoying sober lives - and ask for help, because what I'm doing no longer works. I begin to take the actions that are suggested to me, whether I want to or not (willingness), and I begin to see positive change - I'm able to stay stopped, and my life is beginning to be less unmanageable.

Well, that's the way it's supposed to work, and it has for millions of people. There are a number of reasons that I personally have not yet attained long-term sobriety, and I've addressed these reasons in earlier posts. My experience does not diminish the importance of beginner's mind.

I used beginner's mind at my recovery meeting tonight. It was our first time meeting in person in a couple of months. This particular meeting is what I call my home group, which basically means my main or primary group. Anyway, it's a men-only meeting. I'm fairly certain that in a previous post I mentioned that I find relationships with men challenging. My perception is that most men are dicks (not you who are reading this, of course), we don't have the same interests, and they have nothing to offer me in friendship or anything else. This is a prime example of how I use beginner's mind. I understand that my belief is irrational, untrue, and does  not serve me well, so I set it aside for an hour, and listen to what these people have to share, knowing that their experience in sobriety will probably be helpful to me. I listen for what rings true to me, and let go of the rest, because there are a couple of guys at that meeting who do fulfill my belief about most men. It doesn't matter - I listen for what they have to say about working a program of recovery.

My recovery sponsor, of course, is male, and I find myself developing a friendship with him. My counselor is male as well. I have a lot to learn from both of these men, and I have other 'good' men in my life. It is possible that some day my perception of half of the population of the planet will change for the better. I know others in recovery who have changed their minds regarding groups of people - alcohol has the tendency to inflame any prejudices or hatred we might carry. We learn to let those go because hatred does not mix well with a spiritual program of recovery.

Other ways I used beginner's mind tonight - these people do not know my history - that I was once (briefly) a professional in this field, and I've been around recovery for a few decades, so I might even know more about alcoholism and recovery than the other men do - so they speak to me as they would to a newcomer that doesn't know much, if anything, about sobriety. So I set aside my certificates and recovery merit badges, and I listen. And I always hear something helpful.

I acquired another belief a long time ago - that I must know something, I must understand and be good at something before I try it or do it. Yes, that's irrational too, but I held that one for a long time. It made it difficult for me to try something new, and when I did try something new, if other people were involved, I often pretended I knew more than I did, or would say I understood what they were talking about when I didn't. It's very difficult to learn with this belief operative. Besides recovery, a couple areas in my life where this has really hurt me are in my writing and in music. I have talent in both - I recognize that - but I haven't developed either talent as much as I could have (yet). I've barely scratched the surface on my talents because I haven't gone to people who know what they're doing and asked for instruction or advice. I am afraid of hearing, "You suck," and I'm afraid of hearing ideas that might differ from mine. This is an area that could really use beginner's mind. 

Spirituality, an important component of a good recovery, and I write about it because that's what I know works for me, is another area where beginner's mind is really helpful, if not essential. Remember earlier where I used the word humility? It really fits here. One definition of humility is seeing ourselves rightly in relation to our Higher Power, people, the world, and the Universe. The view I aspire to is that I'm not God, but I am His creation, and so is everybody else. This means that I'm not better nor worse than anybody else, and that I am connected with all Life. As I said, this is a belief I aspire to, and I'm more skillful in doing so some days, and not-so-skillful at it other days. The only humility alcoholics take into recovery is that they recognize that alcohol is probably more powerful than they are, and they don't understand why they're not successful in controlling their use or their behavior when they use. I apologize for using a blanket statement, but that's part of the disease - we don't know we have a disease. So I have to set aside alcohol as a higher power, because it no longer works, and learn to connect with another higher power, preferably the Highest Power - the Creator of the Universe. This can be challenging - some of us come into recovery with really screwed-up ideas about God; others, like me, aren't very sure that that a loving God would want to have anything to do with us - we're that bad. And so coming to believe that a benevolent loving Higher than ourselves Power can really help us recover is a process for many of us who have some really deep-seated beliefs about our worthiness to have a relationship with a loving God. The belief that we're vile pieces of shit does not go well with recovery, so beginner's mind tells us to listen to others in recovery who have felt the same way and now have a working relationship with their Creator, and to instill enough doubt into that belief that we may come to see ourselves as very worthy to be Children of a Loving God - that, because of the nature of our Creator, it could be no other way. Spirituality is a process and a practice that always requires a beginners mind; spiritual pride (of which I've been guilty), says that I know all I need to know about my Creator, and I have nothing to learn from anybody about it. This kind of thinking has led me a couple of times in life to becoming a rigid, egotistical, know-it-all prick, and it eventually leads to relapse because I'm no longer letting my Creator in. I've said, "Thanks, God, appreciate the help, I'll take it from here!" Yeah. 

Relationships is another area where beginner's mind can be very helpful. I had no idea when I got married (both times) what a good working relationship looked like. I knew what I didn't want, but that didn't help very much. I never went to anybody, much less someone who was in a good relationship, to ask for guidance. What was I thinking? I ended up a fly on the windshield of life. 

Having a beginner's mind does not mean throwing out all of my beliefs and learning in favor of someone else's. What it does is it allows me to be willing to consider and maybe try something different. One of the beliefs that started changing in me when I began applying beginner's mind is the belief that wrong=bad. I endeavor to not even use that language anymore. I like skillful and unskillful. I handle situations or do things skillfully or unskillfully. It takes the self-judgment out of things and really opens the door for learning. I'm a ton better at being the imperfect human being I that I am, but there's still work to do.

Thanks for reading!

Namasté,

Ken

Where the Impossible Becomes Possible

I had an odd, interesting, eye-opening experience tonight. To preface, in case you're not aware or if you're reading this in the future, this is April 2020 and we are in the middle of a pandemic. Because of this, certain restrictions are in place, and people are quarantining themselves, and group gatherings, like recovery meetings, have been cancelled or are done online with programs like zoom.com and gotomeeting.com. This was the case tonight - I was virtually attending a recovery meeting from Wisconsin that I used to physically attend regularly. People's faces were flashing on the screen, people I've known for years, and who've known me for years, and I began to feel very uncomfortable, very anxious, and I didn't want these people to see me or know that I was there. I pressed the 'leave meeting' button and noped right out of there.

I was really surprised by my reaction, as I've physically returned to meetings where I've been absent for a while, and it's been ok. Tonight, I felt fear, anxiety, guilt,  shame. I didn't want my old friends to see me, and I virtually turned around and walked away.

About two weeks ago I had a crisis. I was seriously depressed, had no hope, and no longer wanted to live. I was hospitalized for a few days. One of the things that came out of that experience was I was put on different medication. The doctor asked me if I wanted to try it, and I said, "yes," thinking what the f*&k difference does it make anyway? I also had a similar experience to the one I described in my last post - I had come into the hospital with a plastic water bottle filled with vodka. My property was taken and stored during my hospitalization, and returned upon discharge. I did not know whether staff had discovered my vodka or not, but, as in the last post, that bottle was on my mind. I discovered that staff did not discover my bottle, and I left that hospital on the fence - do I continue to do whatever I can to get well, or do I start drinking again, hoping I'll permanently self-destruct? I chose to pour the vodka on the ground and throw the bottle away.

What I have discovered after leaving the hospital and the vodka behind is that I feel better, more clear, brighter, than I have in probably two years. I feel almost functional. I have hope. I have willingness to do whatever it takes to stay in recovery. I can't attribute it all to the medication change, as I haven't been taking it that long; however, I think the medication might have a lot to do with it. The interesting thing is that the medication I accepted is medication that I would not in my 'right' mind take - I took it with a screw it attitude, and found out it isn't like I thought it would be. Imagine that!

I've also discovered that spontaneous feelings are beginning to return. What I have been guilty of most of my adult life is learning what feelings I should have in which situation and acting. The only real feelings I had for a long time were anger and fear. I don't recommend this way of living. And the miracle is that I am no longer afraid to experience my feelings. I am willing to have them, learn from them, and let them go.

As I mentioned earlier, the feelings I felt going into that virtual recovery meeting were fear, guilt, and shame. Why? Because these people were my friends. Even though I kept them at arm's length, they always showed they cared for me and wanted me around. They probably would have done the same tonight if I'd stuck around, but I chose to run. And when I moved from Wisconsin to Arizona, I consulted nobody. I picked up and moved without saying a word. I abandoned my friends, and they had no idea what happened to me. That's a shitty, shameful way to behave, and I realized tonight that I owe them amends.

And that brings us to the title of this post - 'Where the Impossible Becomes Possible.' I had another virtual meeting to go to which started an hour after the first one that I bugged out of. Between the first meeting and the second, I sat with what happened and what I was feeling. Tonight my feelings were visceral. The remarkable thing is that I didn't have a desire to cover up or stuff the way I was feeling; I was able to sit with it and learn from it. That is when I realized I need to offer amends to my friends, but I have no idea when or how this is going to happen. It seems impossible.

So I went virtually to the second meeting, which featured a speaker sharing his experience, strength, and hope with addiction and recovery. I related a lot to his story - he also had created situations in his life that seemed impossible to overcome. But by putting down the alcohol, and doing the things other alcoholics before him had done to recover, he began to get well - he began to overcome those impossible situations that he had created in his life. Because we work a spiritual program of recovery, God is able to do for us what we cannot do for ourselves - if we let Him.

I do not know how to have a real relationship with another human being. I learned how to push people away and bring alcohol closer, and my level of distrust and disconnectedness of others grew. It seemed easier to distrust from the get-go than it would be to grow close and eventually experience the disappointment of a person abandoning me.

How do I begin to recognize, acknowledge, and embrace my connection with others? I don't know exactly how it is going to happen, but I do know this - that when I embrace an attitude of willingness to get well, the Universe opens all sorts of doors that I didn't know were there. I have seen it happen in others, and I have seen it happen in myself, and I see it happening now. Nothing is impossible with God. I don't have to know how things will get better; all I have to do is apply as much honesty and willingness that I can, and be open-minded and accepting of what shows up in my life. So many times I have closed the doors that Source has opened for me, but I must remember this: there is not a problem I can create that is bigger than my Higher Power. 

I have been cursed and blessed to have the desire to live a bigger life than I'm living. I can't sit with new information about who I really am an continue to live the way I've always lived - I must allow change for the better and healing into my life. I must let go of fear and old beliefs, and open my mind, my emotions, an my arms to what God has in store for me. I must continue to develop faith and courage as I become the man I would be. It's a tall order, but I don't have to do it alone. I have God, and I have a ton of good people around me who love and support me in proportion to my willingness to accept their love and support.

Namasté,

Ken

Lessons from Relapse - Acquiring the Willingness to Change My Story

If I remain stuck in who I think I am, recovery will be difficult, if not impossible. For years and years and years, I did not want to be depressed; yet I identified with the symptoms of my depression every day. I wasn't good enough, I was hopeless, I'm different than everybody, my life has no meaning, I can't make it in this world, I'm a disappointment to everybody around me, and I'm undeserving of anything because I'm such a loser. That is who I believed I was. I felt like an inept mountain climber - I watched everybody I knew climbing their mountain while I struggled at the base of mine, slipping and sliding, and never making it more than a few feet up.

I did not know or understand that the identity that I walked around with was not really me, that it was symptomatic of a brain disorder (commonly known as Major Depressive Disorder). I did not know that I was never hopeless loser, even when I was unable to successfully complete endeavors  (like marriages, jobs, and post-secondary education). I wasn't hopeless 2 weeks ago, and I'm not hopeless today. The symptoms I experience, although they feel like me, are not me.

I'll mention here that to say, "I am an alcoholic," or "I am (mental health condition)," is self-stigmatizing. Few people walk around saying, "I am diabetes," or "I am prostate cancer." Today, if I want to introduce myself and tag the disorders I've experienced, I say, "My name is Ken and I am in recovery from alcoholism and depression." This puts a degree of separation between me and my disorders, and it is more accurate - today I am sober and I am not experiencing symptoms of depression. It seems complicated, but the things I tell myself are very important.

Human tendency is to define ourselves by our past, by what we've done or experienced. We are all we've thought and experienced; however, we're also much, much more. We are also all we can be, being children of the infinite Universe. As spiritual beings having this human experience, we have the opportunity to surpass our perceived human limitations. One can see this in human development, technology, and even in sports - there is a drive within us to be more today than we were yesterday.

Addiction and other mental health conditions have the tendency to dim our creative spirits and drive. I've experienced it myself, and I see it in a lot of individuals with whom I work. 

In order to thrive, as opposed to simply existing, I must be willing to expand my borders. I must be willing to do the work required to break free from the limitations I've imposed upon myself. How did I become willing? By being surrounded by people who let me know that I was so much more than I thought I was. I began to believe these people, and I began to seek ways to expand my consciousness - to use tools others had used to begin to look past the fence I had constructed around myself, and to begin to believe that I had the power and ability to knock the fence down.

When I was treating only alcoholism, I did everything I could to stay sober. One of the things that bothered me is that I would see some others in recovery doing less than I was doing, yet having seemingly better lives and an easier time of it. Part of this perception was the veil of depression that often surrounded me. The other part of it was that I really was doing more than some others and not achieving the same results. This only served to fortify my belief that I was useless and a loser. My belief was that I would always be less than those around me, no matter what I did or how hard I worked.

When I acknowledged and accepted that I am also dealing with a mental health condition, I began to treat that as well. In order to stay in recovery, I have to treat both of my conditions. There's a fair amount of overlap, but there are also things I do that are specific to each condition. I feel that there are a lot of things, physically, mentally, and spiritually, that I must attend to in order to stay in recovery. I am in truth grateful for this, because what I do has opened my life and given me things and people I never would have experienced otherwise.

So back to changing my story - if you'll notice by reading some of the other posts in my blog, I do not write very much about 'what it was like'. I don't tell expansive stories about my time in prison, or how many hospitals I've visited, or all the wreckage I created in the past. On a private level, I deal with all of that. My story is about recovery, not addiction and mental illness, and recovery is now. I understand today that the most important moment in my life is right here, right now, and I don't want to waste this moment re-hashing the past. 

I was at a job interview last week, and at interviews I submit not only my resume, but also my criminal record. The interviewer looked at me and said, "You don't look like you've stolen cars." I've heard similar comments when I tell people about my past, and the reason I don't look like I've committed crimes and been to prison is because I don't live there anymore. I'm just not the felon I once was! But seriously, I don't consider myself a criminal today (because I'm not), and I don't go back there very often. I don't carry that story anymore. 

The reason I want to thrive, rather than just survive, is that one, simply surviving kind of sucks, to me, and two, I believe that the more I'm loving myself and loving life, the less likely it is that I will go back to the life I used to live. Now, obviously, I did take a brief trip back in time to get another taste of misery; however, I can use that jaunt to discover what more I can do to stay in recovery as well as to help others in their recoveries.

So my story is not that I'm a depressed drunk, because today I'm not. Today I am a person who, with help from a Higher Power and a lot of friends, is discovering who he really is and sharing that person with others.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it!

Namasté,

Ken

Lessons from Relapse - Desiring a Better Me

In May of 2015 I was at the lowest point in my life. I didn't have a life - it was all gone - and I had no hope of ever having a life again. So I started working on me.

In previous stabs at recovery, and there have been plenty, I've always desired a better life. We all want a better life - it's the American way! In previous recovery attempts, I would go about piecing my life together again - the job, the car, the apartment, the girlfriend/wife whatever. The problem with that is that I'm bringing the same director (me) to a different situation. We, or at least I, have a tendency to think of our lives in terms of what we have, rather than what or who we are. It really doesn't work that way. Whatever we, or at least I, have in my life ultimately is an outpicturing of what is inside of me. 

Jesus spoke of putting new wine into old wineskins, which doesn't work - the wineskins burst, spilling the wine. This is exactly what Jesus, who taught the Laws of the Universe, was talking about - changing our situation does not change us. If my way of thinking and doing isn't working now, whatever I try bringing into my life to make my life better will soon be lost. If I continually screw up jobs, getting a new job isn't going to help. If I continually screw up relationships, the problem is me, not the women I marry.

So when I got to my lowest point, where I was out of ideas (and money, and a job, and a place to live), I wasn't thinking of Jesus' teachings, I was just alive, and had nothing else to do but work on me.

I did not realize what was happening until after it was happening. I went to treatment, and I listened and talked honestly. I went to therapy, and learned CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) which showed me where my thinking was flawed. I began to take different actions than I did in the past. I began to look at myself and life in different ways than I had in the past. I began to realize what was happening when good things started coming into my life without me going after them as I had in the past. I got a place to live rather than being homeless. I got a job, then I got a decent job, and then I got two even better jobs that I didn't even apply for - all because I was paying attention to what was going on with me, what was happening in my head, and what was coming out of me.

I began to learn to live life from the inside out rather than the outside in. I began to judge my life not by what I had, but by what was going on inside of me. And the outside began looking better pretty much by itself. I of course took the actions I needed to take - paying my rent, paying my bills, going to work - but I was no longer attempting to direct what when on outside of me. I was learning to direct what was going on inside.

So, in order to change my life, which is again nothing more than a mirror of what's going on within, I work on changing me, instead of figuring out how to manipulate what's going on around me. It's actually much simpler.

I used to run my life like a person who drives a car while looking only at the rearview mirror. As you might expect, I had lots of crashes. So I must understand that if I have crashed, or ended up in a place that I really didn't want to be, then I must have had my attention directed to a place that wasn't serving me well.

This relapse has shown me that I still have work to do inside of me. In order to find out what that might be, I will open myself to accepting more help, and more guidance. I will get back to a beginner's mind, so that I can see more possibilities than I saw before.

Each day is a new opportunity to become a more skillful, mindful, conscious person than the person I was yesterday. When I set that as my primary goal, a good life naturally follows.

Namasté,

Ken

What Am I Learning?

In the post Listening to Pain Part I I mentioned that pain is my friend. Physical pain can tell me, "Don't touch that," or "Don't bend that way," or "Stop eating." A dull physical pain tells me that my muscles are tight and need movement. A dull psychic pain, like I've been experiencing lately, tell me that I'm out of alignment - that my thinking, or my actions, or both are not in alignment with who I am and my purpose here.

I used to react to this psychic pain by drinking alcohol or taking drugs, or engaging in behaviors that took my mind away from the pain, like eating or spending money, or spending hours mindlessly surfing the internet. Then I learned more constructive ways to deal with the pain - I could go to support group meetings and exercise. These drugs and actions are called palliatives.  Palliatives do not cure or fix what's going on; they give the person comfort. Palliatives really aren't for living; they're for giving a person who is at the end of their life a little bit of comfort to make the transition easier.

I'm not dead yet, and not even really close, I think. So it occurs to me that to cover up the pain I've been feeling lately is not the best option. It's the first option that comes up in my mind because covering up the pain one way or another is what I've done most of my life. This practice has gotten me by, but it hasn't gotten me too far. So maybe it's time for me to put on my big boy pants and face the music, whatever the tune is.

Let me state here that I am not denigrating myself or anybody else. Painkillers, in all their glorious forms, exist for a reason. There is a process by which a person awakens to themselves, and it rarely happens overnight. 

But after a while, the still small voice inside chides that the things I've been using to get by don't work so well anymore. And that's the signal that it's time to do something different.

I've been off of the medication that was prescribed to me 3 years ago for 6 weeks or a month now. I've been slowly weaning off of it for about a year. I've noticed that I am more sensitive now, and my moods go a little lower than they have over the past 3 years. I am grateful for the medication - it got me to a point where I could learn and practice helpful recovery tools. I've gotten a lot stronger, smarter, and wiser over the past 3 years, and I have medication to thank for the mood stability I needed to learn how to live in recovery. 

The psychic pain I've been experiencing lately has been similar to the pain that use to drive me to self-destructive behaviors. The difference now is that it is not as intense, overwhelming, or debilitating. I'm sensing it more as a signal that change is needed. The pain I'm experiencing now is my friend - it's not going to kill me.

One great thing I've learned over the past 3 years - when I accept and embrace those things I call hardships (life), those hardships turn into great blessings. I have consistent evidence that, if treated in the proper way, all the things that come my way make me stronger and better. I no longer feel like the next thing that comes my way is going to ruin me.

So, the next step is to ask and to listen - "What do I need to let go of now?" "Who shall I go to to learn from?" I know that when I ask, the answers are provided, and I'm grateful today for the willingness to listen and the courage to act.

Namasté,

Ken

More Than Enough

(Originally titled "Money Matters")

I was in court on December 27th to take care of a traffic ticket. I wasn't going to try to say that the deputy was wrong, that I didn't go before the light turned green; I surely did do that, right in front of one of Waukesha County's finest. I didn't go to court to get the fine reduced, or to make a payment plan. I simply wanted to see if I could get the charge amended to a no-point violation so that my insurance rates wouldn't go up. (This is a common practice - if one shows up for court, and hasn't been a real bad driver, the court will usually reduce the charge, but still gratefully accept your money). So I did the deal and paid my fine, grateful that I did get the charge reduced to 'improper signal', and grateful that I had the money to pay the $175.30 fine. What was unusual was that I didn't kick myself for wasting money on a fine. In years past, that's been the worst thing about traffic tickets - paying out money and getting nothing in return. 

I like to ponder when I experience an attitudinal change, because it doesn't happen all that often. I think part of not being angry that I shot $175 for nothing is that I've been working on being more accepting of me and my behavior and beating myself up less; but I think the bigger reason is that lately I've consistently felt like I have everything I need. 

I'm going to interject here and say "Nada me falta," which is
Spanish. It translates literally into 'nothing lacks me', and figuratively into 'I lack nothing or nothing is lacking in me.' It's from the Spanish version of the 23rd Psalm: "El Senor es mi Pastor; nada me falta." Our English version says, "The Lord is my Shepherd; I shall not want." Sometimes the Spanish version of things makes more sense to me, and in this case it certainly does. If the English version said, "The Lord is my Shepherd, I want for nothing," that would make more sense to me, because that is the belief that I've been cultivating within myself.

2017 was a phenomenal year for me as far as finances go. No, I didn't win the lottery, and nobody wealthy who likes me died. I went to work and lived within my means. So what's so phenomenal about that?

It's the 2nd full year that I've been able to live without financial assistance from friends, family, or friendly decedents - for the first time in my life. And two and a half years ago I believed I'd never work again and that I'd have to go on disability. 

I was thinking back to circa 2008 - at that time, I lived in a two-income household, was paying about the same rent I'm paying now, had received a small inheritance from my aunt, and I was making about $3 an hour more than I make now, and we still couldn't make ends meet. So what is the difference between then and now, or between two years ago and now?

The difference is that I began to live what I want to believe. I began to rely upon my Higher Power, even when I had no personal evidence that would assure me that it worked. I've known in my head for a long time that, being a child of God, or a child of the Universe, that all of my needs are already met. They can't not be. What kept me in a constant state of lack was the fear of the unknown - what would happen if I let go of my addictions and my unhealthy attitudes? Remember, from previous posts, that my addictions and my unhealthy attitudes served me very well at one time. They were my friends. They allowed me to get through situations that I thought I couldn't survive. The situations are long gone, but the addictions and attitudes survived. 

So I had to take this leap of faith. Of course, it wasn't that much of a leap of faith, for I had nothing to lose but my life, and I was already willing to do that. Often the most faithful people are also the most desperate. So I went against the grain in my head, and I began to rely upon and trust in my Higher Power. I took the Universe up on its deal, which is, simply this: I (the Universe) will take care of you if you let Me.

I began to live in this manner: So long as I keep moving forward and doing what's in front of me, I don't have to worry about having enough or about getting what I need. Of course, I had to lower my expectations on what I need to basic clothing, basic transportation, food, and a roof over my head. Along with that, I began to practice gratitude. And from this simple practice, my faith developed and strengthened, because I could see it working. 

I still have debt, but I've cleared away thousands of dollars in debt over the past two years. Most importantly to me, I don't owe any individuals any money. I still have between $40k and $80k in debt. It is made up of student loans and money I owe to counties for past treatments, and I'm working on that. (I'll note here that I have a $40k bill from 20 years ago that I'm ambivalent about paying. I probably will pay some day, just to be able to say that I did).  I have faith that if I continue as I am going, I will get my debt cleared up. The most important thing, though, is that debt does not weigh me down. I am not controlled by it, and neither are my feelings.

So, back to the top - what makes it ok for me today to throw away $175.30 on a traffic ticket? I know today, I live with the feeling today, that I have more than enough to do what I need to do today, even if I make a mistake. So, I'm not going to drive around with a devil-may-care attitude; but, I do know today that mistakes are allowed. My success is not contingent upon me living life perfectly, and that's a very good thing, because I don't live life perfectly. I do my best, and try to learn from my mistakes. So I have this feeling of security that comes from knowing that it's all good. 

I know today, too, that faith can grow infinitely - in other words, I'm going to encounter situations that will cause me to have to exercise my faith muscle and make it even stronger. I feel like I'm getting to a place in life where I look forward to challenges more than I dread them.

Namaste,

Ken

Yes, I Can!

As I've mentioned in previous posts, my life-long ambition had been to avoid anything that made me uncomfortable. This makes it difficult impossible to thrive, because it is the uncomfortable stuff that helps me grow. It's the meeting new people, learning new things, moving to new places, recovering from illnesses, advancing at work, etc., that gives me the experiences I need to develop fully as a human being.

I could make a list of all the things in life I've avoided that I see now would have benefited me if I had embraced them. I'm not going to do that here - it would be way too long. But, up until now, I spent most of my time and energy trying to protect myself from life (while trying to look like I was living life). I realize today that that isn't the purpose of human living at all - the purpose is to see how much we can expand and grow into the image and likeness of our Creator. I don't know about your Creator, but my Creator is omniscient and omnipotent - It knows all and has all power. Additionally, my Creator loves me because...It created me! (warts and all) So, when I endeavor to protect myself from people, ideas, activities, vocations, etc., that threaten me, I'm really wasting my time, because my Creator has my back. I do not need to protect myself - God's got me covered.

So how does this fit in with 'Yes, I Can'?

I've had lots of jobs. All of my jobs in the 21st century have helped me build character - in other words, all of my jobs, one way or another, have shown me things about me that can be improved upon.

I have 3 jobs now, and all of them ask me to stretch beyond my comfort zone in different ways. I'm very blessed! Here are two examples of being asked to do things that I didn't think I could do, and therefore really didn't want to, but I'm doing them anyway:

1. At one job, I was asked to be a mentor. At this particular job, I didn't really want to, because I really didn't think I did that good of a job there in the first place. (This idea I've found to be incorrect). Additionally, even if I could mentor new employees, I probably would not be the best mentor there. Also, being a mentor makes me uncomfortable because I have to deal one-on-one with people I don't know well, and they might not like me. 

There are so many thinking errors in the above paragraph that come from long-held beliefs that need to be replaced with up-to-date, accurate beliefs about me and my abilities. First, in anything I undertake, absolutely the one and only thing I can be best at is being me. Everything else, there's going to be some people more skilled and talented than I am, and some people less skilled and talented. For instance, I like to write (I should hope so!), but I know of many writers that write a lot better than I do. I don't have to be the best to be good enough. Next, I used to be a pass/fail kind of guy. In other words, if I make a mistake in the process of doing whatever I'm doing, I've failed at what I'm doing. This belief, if acted upon 100%, would severely limit my ability to live. I'm a human being, therefore I make mistakes. Get over it. Instead of using the mistakes to beat myself up, use each mistake as an opportunity to improve. Last, whether or not somebody likes me has absolutely no bearing on who I am or on my worth as a human being. I think I'll probably spend the rest of my life learning that one.

2. At another job, I was asked to do some organizing. Oh my! I don't consider myself the most organized being on the planet. I really consider myself the least organized being on the planet. The actual Truth is probably somewhere in between those two thoughts. When I was asked to undertake this task, my first thought was, "Oh no, I can't organize anything!" But I have learned, especially over the past year, that where there is a will, there really is a way, and that if something is placed in front of me to do, through My Creator, I can do it. All things are possible. And so I'm doing it. Not very quickly, because it's a project and this is a part time job, but I'm doing it. Additionally, organization is one of those things that is dynamic, not static, so there's always room for improvement. Even if I did it perfectly today, tomorrow the needs of the organization might change, and I'll need to improve what I did yesterday.

By the way, my desire to be liked and approved of has helped me in recovery. It would be really hard for me to climb back into my shell - I feel that I would disappoint a lot of people around me. One day I'll be able to do the right thing whether or not I have support, but that's a post for the future.

Anyway, my point is this: armed with the knowledge that I still possess a fear-based belief system and that my first inclination toward most anything is to run and hide, I can take each opportunity that comes my way as an opportunity to cut another hole in that old belief and to develop the new belief of "Yes, I can!" There are tons of opportunities each day, from taking the telephone call I don't want to take, to being assertive and letting someone know what I need, to fearlessly expanding my passions, like speaking, writing, and music. Ooh boy, that's a tall order! But I am reminded of what one of my counselors, who is now a Unity minister, asked me: "How big is your Higher Power?" Fortunately for me today, my Higher Power is definitely not me; I don't know how big It is, but it is definitely bigger than me.

So I'm going to end with this quote by Marianne Williamson, from her book, A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of "A Course in Miracles":

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Namaste,

Ken

Moving from Non-Resistance to Acceptance

Non-resistance is the precursor to acceptance. Acceptance is important to recovery from addiction and recovery from mental health conditions. Additionally, acceptance is important for peace of mind for anyone, and is a requirement for spiritual growth. It's very difficult, if not impossible, to grow spiritually and still complain (inwardly or outwardly) about the things I find less-than-acceptable in my life or in myself.

Non-resistance came to mind recently while I was thinking about the 'early' days of my recovery. Non-resistance means simply taking things as they are without resistance and without judgment. I believe it is a Buddhist principle/practice.

When I first began my recovery, I could best be described as 'raw'. Everything bothered me, and if something didn't bother me, I was bothered by the fact that I wasn't bothered. I called my spiritual adviser daily, and I would tell him the things - the people, places, and situations - with whom I was practicing non-resistance. I knew acceptance was important, but I wasn't there yet. I still wasn't sure I could recover, and life still sucked, and I still sucked. But I was willing to give it a try, and I inched along with non-resistance.

After a while, I began to see that some of the situations I was experiencing and some of the people I was encountering were actually good for me, and not as bad as my addled mind made them out to be. Non-resistance began, ever so slowly, to turn into acceptance. 

Sometimes, I still practice non-resistance. Last Wednesday, as I was riding my bike to work, I got caught in a downpour and got wet. I practiced non-resistance, and set my mind purely on the facts: I'm wet, and it won't kill me. Then, later in the day, I got wet riding home from my haircut. Same thing. 

Today, I still have to practice acceptance - every day. And for me, it is the knowing that whatever is happening in my life is a natural consequence of a past action (or inaction) and/or it is for my highest good and the good of all. But I have to consciously do it; it doesn't come naturally, but it is getting easier. And the benefits I reap are that I have a lot less physical and emotional stress because I'm no longer fighting life. Life is more tolerable and even enjoyable sometimes than it ever used to be for me.

Namaste,

Ken

Let Freedom Ring

In my last post, I wrote a bit about building my own prison, and how, if I've constructed the walls that keep me from living a joyous and abundant life, then I also have the power to deconstruct those walls.

I've found that tearing down the walls is a stone-by-stone process. That's sort of bad news for a person who wants everything the moment I think it - in other words, NOW. The good news is that the process of tearing down the wall I've built is a process that makes me stronger the more I do it. Additionally, I don't have to do it alone, or by my own wits. I have lots of help. I only have to be willing.

I have been saving up money and looking for an apartment - a nicer place to live than where I'm living now. That's not a bad goal. It's a good goal. But, there were a couple of hitches that I was aware of, but thought that I could work my way around. Apparently not - it looks like I'll have to work my way through.

I've applied for a place I really like and can afford. I hadn't heard anything back from the apartment manager, and I left a message with them yesterday or the day before, asking about the status of my rental application.

The challenge for me in looking for a new place to live is my past - it's a little spotty in places. On paper, I don't look like someone who would necessarily make a desirable tenant. Or, to put it in a bit of a nicer way, there are other apartment hunters out there who are probably more desirable than I am. So, I have been concerned with that. It's been in the back of my mind, and sometimes the front, for a few weeks now.

This morning, I woke up with a resentment. That doesn't happen often, so I usually pay attention when it does. Resentments are poison for me. (Actually, they're poison for anyone, but for folks in substance abuse recovery, resentments are particularly potent poisons). It doesn't matter what or who the resentment is about. In that way, it's like alcohol - it doesn't matter if I'm drinking Chivas Regal or Night Train, it's all poison to me. The same with resentments - no matter who it's about, no matter if it's justified or not, or even real or not, a resentment is poison.

So anyway, I wake up with a resentment this morning toward a person whom I think is keeping me from my good (a nice place to live) by some actions they took several years ago. And this is what Source and wisdom point out to me: 

(This is my Higher Power speaking): First of all, Ken that person's action was a reaction to your irresponsible actions, and it was perfectly justified. Second of all, you have not yet faced the consequences of your irresponsible actions. To blame someone else for anything that is going on in your life negates your Power of Choice, and makes you a victim. YOU ARE NOT A VICTIM! So don't play one. I understand you want a nicer place to live, and YOU understand that you can't have anything until you own it in your consciousness. So here's what you need to do:
1. Pray for the person you resent - bless them, forgive them, and release them. They have no influence on you today, other than what you come up with in your mind.
2. Have you noticed that the amount you have saved up for your apartment is the same amount of the consequences of your irresponsible actions? If you take your 'apartment' money and change it into 'restitution', your way will be made clear. 
3. Speaking of resentment - have you noticed, too, that you hate where you're living now? That's a lot of negative energy you're sinking into a  place you don't want to be. If you really want to move on, accept and bless where you're at, and make the best of it. You haven't been doing that lately, have you? If you did get a new place today, you'd f%$# it up with your shitty attitude, no matter how nice a place it might be. Your happiness is your business, and it's an inside job. Remember, when you allow Me to fix your insides, your outside will take care of itself. Isn't that the way it's been working this past year? So...
Do what you know in your heart to be right. Pay your restitution, and take care of the space where you're at. You might not move to another physical place right away, but the space that counts - the space in your heart and in your head - will be much more pleasant and comfortable than it has been.

And after I decided to do the right thing, the apartment manager called me and let me know my application was denied. I thanked her for getting back to me, and I knew in that moment what my course of action was to be.

So that's it. At least for this particular stone. I'm really very grateful, because until recently, every mess I've made has seemed impossible to rectify, so I've always sought ways to ignore or evade the consequences of my actions. This experience of being a responsible individual with integrity is still very new to me, so each time I step up to the plate rather than running away, it's a miracle to me. And I've learned, too, that my miracles are my miracles - nobody else in the world needs to give a darn but me.

Namaste,

Ken

3 Days

I was recalling today my last relapse, which took place in early April, 2015. Obviously, if you've read my previous posts, you'd know that the relapse began way before that, with my thinking and my actions; but the actual breaking of my abstinence from alcohol took place in early April. 

The straw that broke the camel's back was that my vehicle, which I needed for my livelihood at the time, took a major dump. I originally started my business with my Monte Carlo, which was a really nice car. I decided I needed a small van, because the Monte Carlo was not a good car to use for hauling equipment. I did a quick sale on the Monte Carlo for less than it was worth, and paid $500 for a Town and Country minivan that had over 200,000 miles. Now, I did get my money's worth out of the van - it definitely paid for itself. However, I tried running it long after it should have been declared dead, and it ended up costing quite a bit before I finally let it go. Then I was vehicle-less for awhile, and this was in the middle of winter. So, I suspended my business for a couple of months, and relied mainly upon my part-time job at the hardware store. Getting there was difficult, and I asked some people for a lot of rides. Then I bought a temporary interim car (a Grand Prix) to use while I waited for my next van, and that was somewhat helpful. I then purchased my last ride, the Astro Van. That went fairly well for a couple of months, and then the head gasket blew. I would have had to fix the head gasket or buy a rebuilt engine to get this van running again, and I just did not have the resources for that.

I had the van towed to my mechanic's garage. One of my first thoughts was, "I wonder what kind of wonderful story will come from this?", which is actually very good thinking; however, I did not believe it. I did not understand at the time what the real problem was. This is what is important:

I did not understand at the time what the real problem was.

I spent the next couple of days trying to figure out how I could fix the van or replace it, or what I could do to make money real quick. I spent all of my energy looking at ways to keep my fledgling business alive. Finally, after 3 days, I lost all hope, and decided that I will never succeed at anything in life and I might as well be dead, and I began the potentially fatal business of drinking.

Not once during those three days did I consider the questions, "How will I put my recovery first and stay sober through this?", or, "What do I need to change in me?" Not once did I consider this to be an indicator that I was sick inside, and that I needed to begin healing. I was a time bomb waiting for the next shoe to drop (that's mixing metaphors, by the way). 

The problem was, and I was so unaware of it, that the change must come from within before it shows up without.

When I began to accept that I have lots of healing to do, and that that healing must come first, my recovery began. When I began to accept that the problem is not life itself, but my reactions to life, my recovery began. When I began to accept that I was a part of the universe, not the center of it and not apart from it, but a part of it, my recovery began. When I began to accept that I need to listen to others as well as myself, my recovery began. When I began to accept that the only thing I have to do today is do my best to stay in recovery, my recovery began. When I began to believe that there might be a diamond hidden underneath piles of shit, and when I picked up the tools to start digging, my recovery began.

Was it inevitable, did I need to drink again to begin this discovery? I've heard that I needed absolutely everything I've experienced to get to where I am today, and I've debated that. But, looking back today, I needed to be defeated physically, mentally, and spiritually in order to begin to accept real recovery. Am I glad I had my last relapse? No. It was painful, and it really sucked, and I'm still paying for it today. I am very grateful for what has come from that, and I am so grateful to be living the life I'm living today. I am rich and truly blessed.

Namaste,

Ken

Speak Up

I get much of my inspiration from Science of Mind, the monthly magazine put out by Religious Science, one of the prevalent New Thought philosophies/ways of looking at God/life. The following is an excerpt, taken from the July 15, 2016, daily guide written by the Rev. Dr. Judy Morley. This month's daily guide emphasis is on Freedom, and I thought I'd share today's reading:

Speak Up

The minute a person whose word means a great deal dares to take the open-hearted and courageous way, many others follow. - Marian Anderson

Who knows what would transpire if all [people] would speak the truth? - "The Science of Mind, " Ernest Holmes, p. 56.

In 1939, famed contralto Marian Anderson was scheduled to perform at Washington's Constitution Hall, but her concert was canceled at the last minute by the venue's owners, the Daughters of the American Revolution, because Anderson was black.

First Lady Eleanor Roosevelt was outraged. She resigned her membership from the DAR and arranged for Anderson to perform at the Lincoln Memorial. The subsequent audience of 75,000 people was more than 20 times the number of people who could have fit into Constitution Hall. By speaking up, Roosevelt helped Anderson raise awareness about the breadth of discrimination in America.

Where in your life does your word mean a great deal? Are you speaking up or do you "go along to get along"? It can be difficult to face our friends and peers with an unpopular stance, but it is by speaking up that we exercise our spiritual freedom and stay in integrity with who we really are.

If we stay silent for fear of hurting someone's feelings or being judged for our opinion, we are hiding that divine spark within us and contributing to our own bondage [emphasis added].

Affirmation

I speak my truth, knowing that the truth will set me free.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Namaste,

Ken

I Have a Voice, Part One

In former posts I have shared a little about some of the organizations I utilize to support my recovery. The organizations to which I belong are very important to me. Every human being has value and worth simply by virtue of being here. That is the Truth. I understand that concept in my head, and I can understand it for others, but I have difficulty most of the time understanding it for myself in my heart. When out there in the world, I can easily get lost. I don't know who I am, and when I look to others to figure that out, I end up comparing, and I usually end up on the short side. I am unable to recognize on my own what a truly wonderful and unique expression of Spirit I am, and I go back to the old belief that I can't fit it, I can't measure up, and I might as well be dead.

Fortunately, I have found groups of people with shared experiences who are on the same path as I am. One of these groups is the Waukesha Chapter of NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness). When I began my recovery a little over a year ago, it was suggested to me by more than one person that I might check out a NAMI support group. Even though I've made a home in substance abuse recovery groups for years, I was reticent about checking out NAMI or any other mental health support groups. A bunch of people sitting around talking about their mental illnesses did not sound like a very fun time. It sounded sort of depressing, and I didn't need any help in getting depressed - I manage that pretty well on my own!

But, because I was desperate and willing to do anything to recover, I went to Care Connection. (Please at this point read my disclaimer to the right, underneath the copyright notice - my views are a culmination of over a 1/2 century's experience, and I've gotten a lot of ideas from a lot of sources. Some of those ideas don't necessarily agree with the ideas put forth in the organizations I may attend, so I claim them as my own and not anyone else's. Capiche?). Care Connection is one of NAMI - Waukesha's support groups. It is for both individuals who have experienced mental illness and for the loved ones of those who have experienced/are experiencing mental illness. Loved ones are affected, too! just like with alcoholism. Anyway, at Care Connection, I found I related to the people there. That was surprising to me. An even better surprise was that these people seemed to be living in the solution (mental health), not in the problem (mental illness). It wasn't depressing! It was interesting! It was fun!

Most of all, I began to discover that I have a voice.

I brought all of me to these groups. They are a safe haven for those of us with beautiful minds. As I've mentioned before, I've been attending substance abuse recovery groups for a long time. There I would watch people work a program of recovery from substance abuse, and I'd see them get better. There I tried to work a program of recovery, and I would stay sober, and inside I'd get worse. And sometimes I felt different and less-than. Here I was in a strong group with other recovering alcoholics and addicts, and there was something missing in me. There was something wrong with me.

Because I hadn't ever accepted that I have another mental illness besides substance abuse, I had rarely looked for another or an additional vehicle for recovery. I spent a lot of years in pain and misery when the answer was just next door. Now I utilize both NAMI support groups and the substance abuse recovery groups.

At Care Connection I found support, understanding, friendship, and compassion. As I continued on the path, I also began going to a Thursday night peer support group held at the NAMI office. And I enrolled in, participated, and completed a 10-week Peer-to-Peer  course which focused on mental health, wellness, and recovery for anyone experiencing a mental health challenge. And then, I was asked to be a Peer Mentor, which involved learning to facilitate the Peer-to-Peer program. And then, I became involved with Stories of Hope, where pairs of us in recovery share our stories of recovery with patients in various mental health treatment programs. And this weekend, I will be going for training to be a Peer Support Group facilitator. Additionally, I also volunteer at the NAMI office, which is fun and enriching.

My involvement with NAMI does a number of things for me:
1. It keeps me in recovery - my commitment to NAMI means to me that I must stay in recovery if I want to be involved;
2. It gives me a vehicle to be of service to others. I can share my experience with recovery with others;
3. It broadens my world - I've met people this past year that I never would have dreamed of meeting, and they're in my life and I am grateful;
4. It gives me a safe and supportive place where I can be me while at the same time develop and grow into an even better me.
5. It gives me lots of stuff to think about and write about, and it gives me hope.

I have heard than when the student is ready, the teacher appears, and I believe this to be the Truth. I spent a lot of time getting ready, lemme tell ya, but I've also been given the most awesome teachers.

Namaste,

Ken

Sowing Seeds

I felt really good this morning. I felt right with myself, right with the world, ok with the weather, and right with what was mine to do today. It's not often that I feel right in so many areas. Instead of just enjoying it, I feel compelled to analyze it. One of my past wives said that was a character defect of mine - always analyzing. She might have been right, but in this case it helped confirm something I had read earlier this week.

One of my readings earlier this week said something about the happiest people are more concerned with the seeds they sow today rather than the harvest they reap today. That makes a lot of sense to me, and perhaps I feel good today because of some seeds I sowed yesterday, or last week, or 3 years ago.

My ideal approach to any given day is to know deep down that I have absolutely everything I need today - that it is already provided to me by God, Spirit, Source, the Universe, Life, whatever I choose to call It today - the great energy that flows in me an through me and everything else and keeps everything going. So, anyway, I have everything I need, so I don't have to worry about getting, because whatever I've got coming will come to me today. All I have to concern myself with is giving. What shall I give today? To whom will I give it? How will I give it?

By the way, the neat thing about giving is that giving confirms that I have something, because it's impossible to give what I don't have. That's fairly simple, isn't it?

So giving is like sowing. Jesus mentioned once or twice that we reap what we sow. That can be taken in an ominous way - for instance, if I sow violence, I will get violence back. If I spread seeds of hatred, I'll reap fruits of hatred. But I like to take it in a positive way. If I am a friend to someone today, someone will be a friend to me tomorrow (or next Tuesday, or next year). If I love today, I'll receive love back (sometime). If I give encouragement, I'll be encouraged when I need it. Kind words today come back in kind words in the future. Forgiveness - that's big - if I forgive today, I'll be forgiven. (I think Jesus said that, too - "forgive us our debts, as (in the same manner) we forgive our debtors." If I listen to someone today, then I'll be listened to. Everybody wants to be heard, right?

My unhappiest times are times of unfulfilled expectations. I've spent a large chunk of my life and a great deal of energy trying to get what I wanted. And the curious thing is that if I do actually get what I think I want, I'm very often dissatisfied and unhappy with it. Or I want more and more and more. It's tough trying to be happy living on the basis of never having enough and always needing more.

So, when I switch my purpose from getting to giving, or from reaping to sowing, I can find satisfaction. I can find peace, and I can experience acceptance and joy.

I've been continuously sober for nearly a year now ( I think I mentioned that in my last post). I've had a number of really nice experiences today (Saturday, May 14, 2016). 51 weeks ago, I did not plan any of them. Not a one. I was led into what happened today by my choices of previous days. I have what I have today because of the seeds I've sown previous days.

I should mention a couple of things here: 1, I'm not a slow learner, I'm a quick forgetter - in other words, in any given moment, I'm prone to forget what really works, and go back to my way of doing things, which is acquire, acquire, acquire; and, 2, no matter what, I can always go back to being a sower. Even in my lowest moments, I can find something to give. I've done it before. I've been on empty a number of times in my life, and when I flicked the switch of willingness, I've found something I could give. And when I found it and gave it, I found more. And more. And more. And then my pattern is to think that I have something to do with it all, other than being an instrument, and I begin to try to dictate and direct how things go. And then I'm back at #1 - forgetting what I know works best.

Very fortunately, the times I spend in forgetfulness seem to be getting less frequent and less intense. It doesn't take as long for me to see that I've got the lens turned around again.

I've already got everything I need, and all I need is to give it back.

Namaste,

Ken