One of the tools I use to improve my thinking, and therefore my overall mood and actions, and ultimately my experience of life, is called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (the link leads to a good article explaining CBT). I've extolled the virtues of CBT before in this blog, and a situation came up recently in which I used CBT to quell some anxiety I was experiencing around the issue.
Background:
Nearly 12 years ago, while visiting Las Vegas, I was charged with misdemeanor battery due to an incident in which I kicked another person while I was intoxicated. The police did not arrest or detain me, they only issued a citation with a court date. I chose to be doing something else for the court date, and eventually went back home without ever appearing in court or otherwise trying to resolve the issue. I knew a bench warrant would probably be issued for my arrest, but, because it was a misdemeanor, and also because that's just the way I used to roll, I did my best to ignore the situation. Since that time, I've had several police contacts and a few jobs in Wisconsin, and the issue has never come up. It didn't even come up for the last two real jobs I had in Wisconsin, which was surprising to me, but, hey - whatever.
So a little over a year ago I moved to Arizona. After I got well enough to think about working, I thought about working in human services again. I had talked to people working in human services, and they told me of this thing Arizona has called a fingerprint card. Apparently, before getting hired in a human services job, the applicant shows up at their local police station, has their fingerprints taken, and a records and warrants search is done. Any outstanding warrants will prevent a person from getting the job for which they are applying until said warrants are cleared up.
I knew about this close to a year ago, and knew that I'd have to take care of the warrant in Vegas; however, I didn't do anything about it until the warrant came up on a background check done by the management company of the apartment in which I'm now living. I explained the situation to the management company representative, and told her what it was about and that I'd take care of it. So, life is going good for me, and I have some money, and so I start looking into what I need to do to clear this thing up.
The Activating Event:
Last week, I contacted an attorney outfit in Las Vegas, and they set up a free phone consultation with an attorney for me. Just doing this caused me some anxiety, but, as I'm usually able to do for future events, I simply put the anxiety on a shelf (that's not CBT). The phone consultation was today, and so yesterday and today (especially today) I'm feeling the anxiety about all of this. Let me note here that if I were not seeking to improve my future, I would continue to ignore my open warrant in Las Vegas. If I planned on keeping my current job until I retire, and thought I could live in my apartment forever, I'd just let it ride and avoid ever setting foot in the Great State of Nevada (which might present a problem as Arizona borders Nevada and vice versa).
CBT works if the person working it understands, at the very least, that it is an individual's thinking, or reaction to life, that contributes to psychological distress. A person has to understand that their own thinking is rife with what are called "cognitive distortions." In other words, and put very nicely, I don't see the world in a way that works very well for me, so if I want to change how I see the world, I need to change my thinking. I was first exposed to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy in the 90's when I was in prison. It didn't help me back then because I thought that whatever went on in my head was correct. Now that's sick! I held that attitude for many years, which kept me in my sickness.
Application of CBT:
For today's anxiety, I looked at what might be causing it. I ruled out the fear of going to jail, because, if I never set foot in Nevada, that's unlikely to happen (in most, if not all, states in the US, the police will not detain a person if they discover s/he has a misdemeanor warrant from another state. Felony warrants are different). There's a slight fear of having a 'violent' crime on my record - so far, everything I have is about theft and fraud. Yes, that really isn't anything to write home about, but in Earth law, some crimes are more forgivable than others. But I have hope that maybe the DA will let me plead to disorderly conduct and pay a fine. Even if it does stay as battery, I need to take my chances. So that's not where the fear was.
My fear and anxiety surrounded talking with the lawyer, and being judged by the lawyer. Secondary to that fear was the lawyer would ask for as much money as I have saved up. In CBT, we look for the evidence that supports our thinking. The only evidence that supports being worried about speaking with an attorney is that they can be an authority figure - when engaging an attorney, one is giving the attorney some power over their life. That's not what bugged me - I do that with doctors all the time. What my anxiety was focused on was the fear of being judged. The same thing happens when I do any sort of application - I feel like I'm giving someone an opportunity to judge me. (I don't know why I don't have that anxiety surrounding writing this blog or sharing in meetings).
Reframing:
Sometimes we need help with seeing things in a different light; sometimes we can do it on our own. Today I chose to do it on my own. What I came up with is that it is a criminal attorney's job to help people who have been arrested and charged with a crime. They protect people's rights and try to get them the best deal possible. People like me are criminal attorneys' bread and butter - if s/he were to judge me, they'd be a piss-poor attorney. What's s/he going to do - call me a useless shithead and hang up on me? Probably not. Even if s/he did, it's not like s/he'd done anything to really harm me, but I doubt that the attorney is going to judge me. As far as the secondary fear about the money - I just have to find out how much it will cost and go from there. But this is the kicker: At any point in the process, I have the power to stop the process - I don't have to go through with anything.
Outcome:
I would love to write that after I worked the above process, the anxiety completely dissipated; however, that's not what happened. What did happen was I was able to see more clearly that erroneous thinking and a belief that no longer serves me were informing my anxiety. If I want to progress and enjoy my life more abundantly, I need to get past my fear of being judged - ever, by anyone. (I have to some extent, but not entirely). The other thing that happened was my anxiety abated enough for me to go through with the call.
We could leave it at that, because, in a way, whatever happened with the attorney doesn't really matter. But I'll let you know: The attorney called me at precisely 1 pm, and we had a call that lasted 5 minutes and 11 seconds (so I screwed myself out of nearly 25 minutes of talking with a lawyer for free!). I briefly outlined the charge and explained why I haven't done anything about it for 12 years. He explained that he can look into what he can do for a deposit of $xxx. Notice it's 3 figures - I can work with that. So, I'm going to send him the money and he's going to see what he can do and let me know. The guy was really nice to talk with, too - very friendly and professional.
Summary:
The way CBT is supposed to work is that if I follow this process enough times, my skillful thinking will become automatic, just like my shitty thinking is automatic now. Much has already changed in my thinking using this process, but, obviously, there's still more to work on.
The Spiritual Angle:
If the faith that my Creator always loves me and supports me in doing the right thing were more in my heart than in my head, I wouldn't have needed this process. Fortunately, my Creator has given me many paths to faith, and if I continue to follow them, I will find myself more and more in spiritual alignment.
Thank you for reading. I hope this has given you something positive to keep.
Namasté,
Ken
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