Nowadays, my overall purpose is to be in alignment with the Universe. What this means is that on a daily basis I do my best to use the many tools I've acquired over a lifetime of living to go with the flow of Life today rather than against it; to be creative and constructive, rather than destructive; to think and behave as though I live in a loving, supportive Universe where I can live openly and unafraid, rather than in a hostile universe where fear informs my thinking and actions and I always have to be on guard. I'm very fortunate in that I know what living in the flow looks and feels like for me, and I know what the opposite is. So when I observe myself moving toward distrustful and fearful thinking and actions, I know I need to take action to reverse my direction and begin moving in alignment again. A very simple example is driving along the freeway - when I'm in my lane, driving the posted speed limit (of course!), life is good; if I begin to veer out of my lane, perhaps due to inattentiveness, my tires hit the rough pavement on the side of the road, and I am aware that I need to move back into my lane if I want safe, happy travels. If I ignore the warning strips and fail to take corrective action, I'm liable to end up in the ditch, and my journey stops.
For the past several weeks, I've been having difficulty at work staying in alignment. I mainly work in the dairy department, keeping the shelves and coolers stocked and making sure the product we're offering is fresh and safe. It sounds simple enough, and it is for me - I have a not-very-challenging-for-me job right now so that I can work on those things within me that tend to move me out of alignment. The difficulty that I've been having is that, no matter what my intention going into my day has been, my inner thinking shifts to irritation and blame toward my co-workers and customers who 'make my job difficult' through their actions or inaction. Sound complicated? It is - much too complicated for the job that I have. So I know something within me needs addressing.
The challenge for me is that I see the mistakes people make. I see the lack of forethought, the lack of accuracy, in some of my co-workers; I see the lack of consideration in some of my customers, who like to pick up a product to look at it and put it back in a place different whence it came. The good news is that I know the problem is me, not them. (1st cognitive rule - if I'm blaming someone else for something that upsets me, I'm not taking responsibility for my own thinking and feelings, and nothing will change).
I've been trying to change my attitude, because I know it's not helpful - to anyone. I've noted that I've been focusing on mistakes and imperfections of others, and tried to focus on their skillful qualities. I've prayed to see the best in others rather than seeing shortcomings (which does work, but I was having to apply that all the time). I've prayed for acceptance, peace of mind, all of that. Some days have been better than others.
Finally, after some contemplation and meditation, I realized what was informing my bad attitude at work - it was the fear of disapproval.
I've mentioned before in this blog that one of my driving desires had been approval from others. This desire often overrode ethical and moral considerations and personal boundaries. When I committed several years ago to becoming my authentic self, I knew that approval-seeking would have to go. I began to get rid of it by being honest with others about me. It's an ongoing process, but I began practicing showing up as me, rather than showing up as who I thought you wanted me to be.
So why is this fear of disapproval showing up for me at work, and how does that make sense? It doesn't show up as much in other areas of my life.
Up until 2010, my main goal at work was to get people to like me, and I did all sorts of things that weren't in my job descriptions in order to meet that goal. In 2009, I learned workplace ethics - how I wanted to show up at work - because the rules I was playing weren't sustainable. So I learned and began practicing these things at work: Dependability (showing up), Honesty (admitting my errors), Humility (asking when I needed help or didn't know something), Doing My Best (being thorough and accurate) Doing My Job (not management's job). These are some of the basics, and these workplace ethics give me a process so that if problems develop, I can adjust accordingly. Using these workplace ethics, kissing ass isn't necessary, and neither is throwing co-workers under the bus (either in my head or in real-time). Adopting workplace ethics - principles to work by - has served me well. There have been other factors that have caused me to lose jobs, but it was no longer ill-advised approval seeking behaviors that did it.
Here is what has been happening - even though I have been satisfied with the way in which I show up at work, the results are not meeting my approval. I have been doing my best, but the department still looks messy, and we still have too much outdated stock showing up. I am dissatisfied with the results, even though I'm doing the best I can. And I realized that, even though nobody in management has told me I'm not doing well enough, that these imperfections within the department are like painting targets on my back. No matter how well I do, there is room for me to not meet someone's approval. Irrational? Yes!
This is just a grocery store, and I'm trying to lose my mind over not having things work out like I think they should. Many years ago, I desired to be an EMT. I shudder to think of what would have happened had that worked out! One can be the best EMT in the world and still have patients die. I'm grateful I can learn trusting in the process, acceptance, and humility in an environment where the stakes are fairly low.
And it's not that I don't admit and accept when I make mistakes at work -I do, and it's ok. But I needed to be shown that if I am living my life ethically and doing the best I can, then if someone judges me on a certain outcome, that has to be their problem, not mine. And again, this hasn't happened where I'm working now, but because I am an imperfect human being and the department in which I work is imperfect, the door is unlocked for someone to come in and tell me I'm a useless piece of shit. Ok, yes, that's irrational, but I needed to see that that idea is still smoldering within me.
The solution: I do not have enough resources to make sure the department is in perfect condition by the time my shift is done. I can release my fear of disapproval because I know that I am doing my best - I show up at work wearing my best ethical suit, and I am a good employee. That's all I need to be; I don't need to be a miracle worker. I thank God for the strength, energy, and motivation to do my best, and I leave the results of my work in God's hands. I release my fellow employees and my customers from the burden of needing to make me look good, and I accept that I am the only person responsible both for what I do and how I look.
In the beginning (of this post), I expressed what my desire is - to be in alignment with the Universe and with Life. I understand, on a cognitive level anyway, that acceptance and trusting in the process help me be in alignment. One thing I've omitted in this whole post is perfectionism, but hanging onto perfectionism makes it harder to stay in alignment. Anyway, I'm concluding with I don't think this post is really complete, but I'm posting anyway because I haven't posted in nearly a month and I've got 5 other posts started, and I will feel better for posting even if it's not perfect.
Namasté,
Ken
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