Being Supportive

Or "What to do when someone you care for is acting the fool."

As I've mentioned in a few previous posts, over the past 11 months, I have been endeavoring to cultivate real connections with others.  I had believed previously that I really did not need to let people get close to me, or to allow myself to get close to others, in order to get well and live a healthy life. Keeping a reasonable distance from others is the plan for a wounded self that wants to protect me from further hurt. Keeping the shields up seems like a good way to stay safe; perhaps it is, but it isn't a very good way to live fully. One of the weird aspects of being human (and trust me, there are many weird aspects) is that in order to live fully, we must risk. We must risk hurt, disappointment, failure, suffering. That sounds strange, but I know from experience that not taking risks, avoiding what my protecting mind tells me is unsafe, creates hurt, disappointment, failure, and suffering. And when I take no risks, there's no upside. When I do take risks - when I allow myself to become vulnerable with other human beings, I then allow for the possibility to experience love - both giving and receiving. A human being might be able to survive without love, but I have come to believe that a human being cannot truly thrive without the capacity to love and to be loved.

So the decision to allow myself to become vulnerable and to make true connections with others was not an easy decision for me. It wasn't a matter of simply switching lanes and doing things differently, like adopting a different style of dress or learning a new language. It's more like dropping the armor and going into the battle naked and unarmed. I knew it was going to get messy, but I also knew that I had to do it or else die a lonely, miserable failure of a human being. I had to give living (loving) one more shot.

I have a friend that I care about and love. My friend has been making some very unwise choices lately that endanger not only their happiness, but their life. It hurts to see this. It hurts to see someone I deeply care about make very short-sighted decisions apparently to avoid the pain that comes with growing up. It hurts to see this person turn from every truly supportive person in their life. It hurts to know that I can't do anything about their situation that would be wise and skillful, other than to remain ready to pick up the pieces, if, hopefully, there are any pieces left to pick up.

I really wanted to rage. I wanted to have the opportunity to say, or scream, "Wtf do you think you're doing? What is wrong with you?" I am grateful that today I possess the wisdom to know that approaching someone in this manner will only push the person deeper into their self-destructive delusions. I know that this person is only doing what they think they need to do in order to protect themselves. I know that this person does not think they are hurting anybody else. How do I know this? Because I've been there.

Throughout my active addiction and mental illness, I made many, many unwise choices that I thought did not harm anybody else but myself. Delusion is a symptom that comes with addiction and mental illness. I realized, after I started caring about people, that although my unwise choices and actions might not have physically hurt those who cared about me, they nonetheless hurt my family and loved ones. I had turned off my capacity for caring, love, empathy, and compassion. Those aspects of myself only got in the way of me getting what I thought I desperately needed. When I flipped those switches back on, I found out that it hurts to love someone who is hurting themselves.

And I can't maintain any kind of anger against my friend. They are not doing this to hurt me, even though it hurts to not have their healthy friendship. They are quite unaware of all of the consequences of their choices.

So there is sadness, and the desire to fix something that I can't fix. But what can I do?

I can be supportive. How? By practicing understanding, compassion, empathy, forgiveness, metta, and unconditional love. Understanding that this person is being driven by forces, both inner and outer, that they are unable to recognize or handle. Right now, they truly are a victim. Understanding that whatever this person is doing, they are not doing it to me. It has absolutely nothing to do with me, and understanding that I own my own feelings about the situation. Compassion and empathy come from taking an honest appraisal of my own experience and situation. I have been where this person is and made many, many more unwise choices, through my own delusions, than this person has yet had a chance to make. Compassion also comes from a deep knowing that I could be exactly where they're at in a very short time. I am not immune from relapse. Forgiveness comes from compassion and understanding, but also from the sure knowledge that I can be of no real help to them, myself, or anybody else while holding a grudge. Grudges keep my hands too full to do anything useful. Forgiveness is simply giving love to a situation, and love is the only thing that truly heals. Metta, or prayer, is practicing sending loving and kind thoughts to that person. It doesn't necessarily change their outcome, but it keeps my mind in a hopeful and faithful position toward this person. And unconditional love is simply knowing who that person really is beneath all the self-destructive behavior - knowing that underneath everything is a precious soul going through an extremely difficult life experience. And unconditional love says I'll be there in person to support this person back to health, if given the opportunity.

Please note that being supportive does not mean doing anything that would compromise my integrity or my own mental or physical well-being. I used to try to rescue (fix) people from time to time. I now know the folly in that endeavor, and that support and rescue are not the same thing.

One might ask, "Ken, does this experience make you want to reconsider your decision to really connect with others, especially those who live with addiction and or mental health issues?" and the answer, surprisingly, is "No." I am still dedicated to developing real connections with others. What I have experienced so far since my decision has been more real peace, belonging, happiness and joy than I have ever experienced previously. I am becoming more and more convinced that the only worthwhile endeavor in life is to know my connection with life through learning how I can be of maximum loving service to others.

I want to end with this: I am still selfish af, only today I practice putting my recovery first rather than me first. It's now 11:45 pm, and if I hadn't sat down to write and process all this through writing, I would have been laying in bed thinking about it, and the thoughts would not have been productive. Over the past few years, I have been able to let go of a ton of suffering that I had been carrying for a really long time, and today I have no desire to pick it up again or create new suffering in my life (or anyone else's!). So there ya have it.

Namasté,

Ken  

Keeping My Chin Up (I'm Still Here)

Since my last post, I've stayed sober (and relatively sane), let my Certified Peer Specialist certification lapse, gotten a job in a plastics factory as an inspector, re-connected with my therapist and begun work on discovering those subconscious tidbits that continually trip me up, successfully completed treatment, and moved into sober living.  Other than that, it's been kind of slow.

Today I'm going to write about what's foremost in my mind, which isn't (at this point, anyway) a happy topic. I like to put things nicely, but I don't know how in this instance - so, here it is: there has been a lot of relapse and death around me lately.  First, my roommate from the halfway house moved into sober living - we were going to be roommates there as well - and he relapsed in a big way about the time I was moving into sober living. He's not doing well. Some other people with whom I shared the treatment journey have relapsed as well. Two people I know in recovery have passed recently. I also found out one of my cousins' sons passed away two years ago at age 25. I didn't know him, but it's one of those things that makes me wonder and makes me sad. And I found out today from the person with whom I've been riding to work that their oldest child died some years ago from a heroin overdose. And then today at work, the person I was working with today told me that his sister passed away 2 weeks ago, and my coworker is now raising their niece and nephew, and they found out today that a friend of theirs died by suicide two days ago.

It's sad. I feel sad about all the suffering going on. I also feel a bit dismayed - what the heck is going on? There have been a lot of deaths this past year by suicide and relapse. When I was still sick, in my active addiction and depression, I used this as an excuse to not get better. I was giving up. Now I recognize it as a part of the territory I'm in - I know a lot of people in recovery from addiction and a fair number of people living with mental health conditions. What's happening now is, unfortunately, not all that unusual; I'm simply acutely aware of it right now, 'it' being people suffering and sometimes dying.

My response today was to get a little down in the dumps about it all. Writing about it helps; talking to the right person about it would help, too, except that I don't have phone service again until the day after tomorrow and it's a bit difficult to get hold of the person with whom I'd like to talk. But whatever. My overall response is one of gratitude. I look at each individual that has relapsed and each individual that has passed away and say, "That could have been me." My gratitude is that I am still here to enjoy this life and contribute what I can. 

And then I focus on the living. I've been told, and I believe, that 'Why?' isn't a spiritual question - that when I ask 'Why?', I'm not looking for a reason, I'm looking for an argument. I can't do anything for those that have passed on. I can do little for those who have relapsed until they become ready again to get back into recovery. I can do a lot for the survivors.

I listen, and, when warranted, I share my experience. No, I can't bring your loved one back to life, nor can I make anyone recover. But I can listen and let you share your sadness, hurt, grief, and dismay with me. I can make myself available so your pain might ease for just a bit. I don't like the subjects of grief and loss and relapse anymore than most people; but I am equipped to walk with someone a little bit so that they aren't completely alone in their suffering. I can even give a little hope around the possibility that things will get better, because I've been where their loved one has been and I'm getting better. Recovery is possible so long as we're still breathing.

One thing I know today and pretty much accept is that I can't feel the joy of life if I avoid the suffering. I don't like that fact, but it seems to be true, so I work on accepting it. This means when suffering comes from my own thoughts and actions, I endeavor to embrace it, so I can learn from it and let it go. If I try to escape or avoid it, it just comes at me from a different route. Today I'd rather face stuff head-on. And I don't attempt to avoid the real suffering of others either. I figure that if it comes to me, it must be mine to deal with in some way, through listening, sharing, and prayer. 

Through it all, I'm still here, and I'm in a good place - I'm sane and sober, I've got everything I need materially today, and I have purpose. I can't tell you what next week will look like, but I can say that if I continue to do what's mine in front of me to do, I'll still be doing well.  And I'm grateful today for the journey.

By the way, thank you to Anonymous for the comment on my last post - I really appreciate it! And if anyone else feels like commenting, please do so.

Namasté,

Ken

Thriving Through the Holidays

The holiday season is a stressful season for just about everybody. I think one would have to be comatose in a sensory deprivation tank to not be affected by the holiday season one way or another. For the person in recovery from addiction and/or mental health conditions, the holidays can be a particularly dangerous time. Because it is stressful, and because the symptoms of our disorders might have made past holidays worse, lots of us walk around already on edge and perhaps dreading upcoming events.

Here are some of the things I practice to make the holidays enjoyable:

Abstain from drinking/using or trying to escape

This almost goes without saying; however, many people feel stress so strongly that 'a little glass of wine' seems perfectly justified. However, we also know that a little glass of wine can turn into an argument, a drunk driving ticket, or even worse. Others of us try to escape by trying to ignore the holidays and isolating. This may be an ok coping mechanism, but for me, embracing this time of year makes me feel much better inside than trying to avoid it. I prepare some lines to say when offered that drink or drug: "I like the holidays better sober." "I'm allergic - whenever I drink (or use), I break out in handcuffs." "I'm driving the sleigh tonight." I also remember that under no circumstances am I required to justify what I  choose to abstain from putting in my own body.

Always remember that I'm not the only one who is stressed

That idiot driver on Bluemound Road who keeps creeping into my line while racing toward Brookfield Square has stuff on their mind, too. Be gentle and patient. It's not an easy time for anyone. And, along those lines,

Be extra kind to those who serve me this time of year

The servers who take my order, the retail clerks that check me out, anybody working this time of year is stressed out. Many people have to work extra hours, so they have the stress of working more, plus their own holiday celebrations, plus the stress that comes along with lots of people contact. It's not easy to maintain a pleasant demeanor when working for a million customers in a day, especially when the customers are often stressed and impatient.

Avoid ruining someone else's experience of the holidays

Everybody, and I mean everybody, has a different experience of the holidays. Personally, I believe I can do without them. I have my own views on the 'meaning of Christmas', but it's not necessary for me to foist my views on anybody else. I don't have to go along with everyone and everything, but neither do I have to make everyone conform with my view. For some people, this is their favorite time of year. For others, it isn't. And it's all ok.

Practicing gratitude

For me, gratitude is an appreciation of all that I've been given, and I've been given a lot! My life is abundant. I can show my appreciation for others by connecting with others this season and giving meaningful gifts from the heart - even if it's just taking a minute to let someone know that I appreciate their presence in my life.

Lower my expectations

Actually, for me, having zero expectations is best. When I take an attitude of, "Let's see what happens," life becomes more pleasant with less disappointment. So when I drive to Brookfield Square, I don't expect to park in front of the store I want to go to. When I'm shopping, I don't expect to be able to breeze in and out of the store in two minutes. 

Take care of myself by:

Adopt a service attitude

In any situation, when I go in with an attitude of 'how can I be of service here,' I usually have a pleasant experience. If I go in thinking, 'What am I going to get out of being here,' if I do actually get something, it probably won't be enough. I can control what I give; I can't control what's given me.

Supporting others

I go to more support groups, again with an attitude of service and giving. When I'm in giving mode, I don't feel lack; when I'm in receiving mode, I often feel lack. Also, when I go to more support groups, I generally feel pretty good about my situation. When I listen to others share what they're going through, I recognize that I'm pretty happy with my 'problems'.

Treating my body well

I make my health a priority. I get enough sleep. I endeavor to say 'no' when I've had enough food (always a challenge). I say 'no' to some commitments, and I try to avoid getting drained.

Taking time for connecting with my Higher Power

This is so important. When I quiet myself, and ask my Higher Power what is important, and how I should show up, I get strength and direction.

Rejecting guilt/staying in my integrity

I always give from the heart first; sometimes my wallet is involved, too. I don't give because someone else expects that I should. If I believe that desiring for someone that they have a prosperous and happy New Year is enough, then that's what I'm giving. I do not let others set my expectations for me. The bonus to this is that when I don't cave in to someone else's expectations, this gives freedom for others to do the same. Additionally, I do not overspend. There is absolutely no reason for me to rack up 3 months worth of debt to celebrate whatever I'm celebrating. That is, to me, insane, and I'm trying to step away a bit from insanity.

It can be very challenging to look out for ourselves during the holidays. We are inundated with ideas about the way the holidays 'should' (ooh, there's that dirty word) be celebrated. This can actually be a time for us to look into our hearts to see how we want to celebrate, and know that it is perfectly ok (just as it is perfectly ok for someone else to celebrate in the manner they choose).

So, to sum up, the holidays are an excellent opportunity for me to practice:

Compassion

Patience

Kindness

Loving service

Giving of myself

Living from the inside out

Peace

Joy

I wish for you a most joyous and healthy holiday season and a Happy and Prosperous New Year!

Namaste,

Ken

Getting to Know Me

I get confused sometimes. Actually, there are some days I'm in grateful awe that I make it through them ok with all the confusion I seem to experience. Some days I think the greatest thing I can do is to endure the seeming chaos and still behave in a responsible, positive manner. (That's a high-falutin' way of saying, "Fake it 'til you make it").

Anyway, the deal is this - when I was pretty certain I knew who I was and what I was about, I was also suicidal. Then people came into my life, from different avenues, to let me know that my thinking was wrong. And so I got into the habit of continually questioning my thoughts and my perceptions, to see how well they really fit and worked, and I began to understand that my thinking led me to want to escape life. Being somewhat logical (I think so, anyway), it did not make sense to me that a loving Higher Power would give us a life that we would want to escape - that just doesn't make sense to me.  My point here is that the confusion I experience each day is a step up from the straight-line thinking that leads only to my destruction.

Here is my challenge to myself, and what this blog is about: I know I have a human side, and I know I have a spiritual side, and, while they often seem at odds, I also know that they can live happily together, so my challenge, my goal, my purpose is to find out how.  I was raised in one of the branches of Christianity, so understanding the teachings of the Hebrew Bible (Old Testament) and the teachings of Jesus is and His followers is one of the ways I go about understanding how best to be a spiritual being having this human experience. In my opinion, Jesus mastered this - Jesus knew his Oneness with God (that was the Christ in Him), yet He also knew His humanness. And He didn't hate. He didn't hate Himself, and He didn't hate those around Him. Some folks He knew were harder to love than others, and I  totally get that. But He knew what He was about, and it didn't make Him better nor worse than anyone else, because essentially, we're all connected, and we're all on the same path of discovering our Oneness. I also study other sacred writings, and I follow contemporaries who are on the path to discovering and expressing their Divine nature.

One of the recovery programs with which I'm involved suggests, as part of its program, that it's a good idea to take some sort of personal inventory - to find out those parts of us that make living good, and those parts of us which make living difficult. I remember hearing a priest years ago speaking about doing this inventory, and he said that basically, when we truly know ourselves, we know God. (I always love to see priests and ministers and such in recovery - it reminds me that being close to God doesn't make one any less human. It'd be nice if a few more doctors would show up, too). That statement stuck with me. I have a knack for recognizing Truth when I hear it, even if I don't believe it at the time. At the time that I heard it, nothing, I thought, could be further from the truth. If you've read any other posts in my blog, you know this is how I felt about myself: "What's the difference between Ken and a carp? One is a bottom-dwelling, scum-eating parasite, and the other is a fish." How could any part of me be comparable to God, especially the parts I loathed?

Let's start with this: First, remember that I, we, are spiritual beings having a human experience. It's like going on a trip to a foreign land - we're going to see what it's like to live in another part of the world - we're going to experience something different that what we already know. Then, because we're having this experience, we need an Ego - the ego is our own will. If we didn't have a desire to experience something different than what we already are, we wouldn't need the ego or self-will to propel us toward that. The ego's role is essentially to keep us grounded in this plane of existence. Oh, by the way, part of this whole scheme is the idea that the only devil that really exists is called Fear, and that resides only between our two ears. You see, even though the ego is something God made, the ego can take on a life of its own. It wants to! Often, though, the ego finds out that life is really much too vast to handle all on its own, so it becomes fearful. The ego forgets whence it came, and thinks that its survival is entirely up to its own devices - the ego believes it must be self-sufficient, that all of life must come from it. This is where self-centeredness comes from - I'm out here all alone, and, in order to survive, I have to protect everything I think is mine. From that one single idea comes all sorts of aberrations of the Truth, which is that God, or Source, or the Universe has us covered, and we've really nothing to worry about. So we do things that are ultimately hurtful to others and ourselves in an effort to protect something we don't really need to protect.

So here's how coming to know ourselves is the same as coming to know God: When I take a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself, I begin to see those parts of me that are not-God. I begin to see where the ego, fearful of its own survival, has created beliefs and ideas that try to separate me from God and from the rest of humanity. And when I'm able to take a look at these things - these false beliefs and ideas, and the harmful actions they created - I don't like them very much. And that's how I come to know God - by recognizing the very things that I have thought, felt, and done that aren't God, I begin to recognize the God at the core of my being, for, if God weren't there, I would be ok with all the things that I've engaged in that aren't God-like. And from there begins my journey back home.

Mixed in with all of this is all of the good the Universe has given me. All of my talents, my capacity to love, my capacity to create and to give, are in there. The fact is that I have misused or abused the gifts I have had in my life because I thought I was going it alone, and I thought that my survival was entirely dependent upon me. 

To quote another person in recovery, "there is some good in the worst of us and some bad in the best of us." We are all children of a loving creator, and when I recognize that in me, it makes it easier to recognize it in you. 

So, to get back to the first paragraph, there are some days when I feel like a brilliant star, shining my way through life, and there are other days, well...not so much. But every day I keep this in mind: I am not alone, I am supported, loved, and protected, and I'm always in a much better place than I think I am. And, when I can get past the worry and fear that comes from my ego still thinking that it has to go this thing alone, I can begin to express my true self, and know that it is good.

Namaste,

Ken 

Family (Affected Loved Ones)

Now that I work entirely in the field of mental health and addiction recovery, I find that I come into contact with the families and loved ones of those affected by mental health conditions/addictions as much, if not more, as the people experiencing the conditions themselves. I remember reading or hearing some statistic that a person's active alcoholism adversely affects 5 people in the alcoholic's life. So, if we just take a guess about that, we could see that a person who is experiencing active alcoholism might be affecting their parents, their children, their employer, their spouse or partner, and perhaps a close friend. If we expand our imagination a little further, we might see how the alcoholic, especially toward the end of their alcoholic journey, might affect others, such as health care professionals, emergency responders, and law enforcement personnel. And I write about alcoholism because it is that with which I'm most familiar. In actuality, any mental health condition can have a major impact not only on the person experiencing it first-hand, but on others in that person's life.

The point is that mental health conditions, including alcoholism and addiction, make everyone sick to some point. Who can watch someone we care for continue to behave in self-destructive ways and not be affected by that behavior ourselves? Even if there's a tangible reason for the behavior, such as a soldier or emergency responder experiencing PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder), it still hurts to see someone going through that. And very often, what hurts more is that the person experiencing the mental health condition is not always aware that their behavior hurts others.

I can share from my own experience that I was under the delusion that my maladaptive behavior affected only me. My conditions, alcoholism and major depressive order, caused me to isolate and be unconscious much of the time. Additionally, since I no longer cared about me, it was impossible for me to care about others in any real way. My experience is that alcoholism and depression are both very self-centered, self-consuming conditions. It seemed impossible to think of anything but my own misery and how to end it. (Fortunately, in recovery, I have regained the ability to care about others in my life. In fact, the thought that a relapse on my part would be hurtful to some in my life is part of what keeps me in recovery).

Over the past two years, and especially the past year, I have had a lot of contact with family members and friends of those experiencing mental health conditions. When asked for advice, my advice is always, "Save yourself first!" Of course, I usually say it in a much nicer way, but that's the general theme.

The issue that often comes up when someone hears this is the thought that, "Hey, I'm not the sick one. I haven't spent the last two weeks unable to get out of bed, or I don't use drugs/alcohol, or I still make it to work every day. They're the one with the problem! Tell me how to fix them!" Here's the real deal without mincing any words - Nobody can fix anybody but themselves. This is especially hard to grasp if the loved one in question is your child. "After all," you cry, "didn't I fix their scrapes when they fell growing up? Didn't I hold them when their tummy hurt and make it all better? Didn't I dry their tears when they were sad?" Yes, yes you did, and perhaps this is one of the drawbacks of being human - the person with whom we are so intimately connected is still an individual who has his/her own experiences to go through in their lifetime. After a certain time, no matter how much we might want to, we cannot control the events in another person's life.

"Ok, fine, maybe I can buy that. Their issues are their issues. Why do I need to save myself? I don't have their issues." And this may be true. However, any time we spend time, energy, and emotion on something we can't change or control, we make ourselves a little bit sick. Resistance or denial to what is makes anybody sick to some extent. The reason for this is that the loved one most often sees the effects of the condition, but rarely can see the cause. And, because mental health conditions tend to wipe out self-awareness, the person suffering may be unable to see the cause.

An example. Many, many people think alcoholics have drinking problems. It is well known that to a certain percentage of the population, alcohol is poison - they don't react well. But to this person, alcohol is not the problem, alcohol is the solution. If alcoholism were purely a physical allergy, one would treat it like one treats allergies to say, peanuts. Stay away from peanuts! And that's what most folks think about alcoholism/addiction - the person only gets sick or in trouble when they use the substance, so there'd be no more sickness/trouble if they wouldn't use the substance.

Correct - kind of. But alcoholism/addiction is not simply a physical allergy to a substance. The nature of addiction is that something in the brain is either organically different or has changed over time, making the person who has the addiction unable to act in their best interest concerning substance use. There is something going on in the mind of the alcoholic/addict that feels bad, and the brain tells the person that there is a substance that will fix it. This urge can be so overpowering to the person experiencing it that s/he will succumb to it even when the expected consequence of using is death.

Sometimes the loved one thinks they did something to cause the addiction or the mental health condition. This is not true at all. Mental health conditions are brain disorders. They often have environmental triggers; however, a person must be predisposed to the disorder in order to get it. Take two soldiers who fought in the same battle and survived. One goes on to fight some more, the other becomes incapacitated by PTSD. Is the one who survived both physically and mentally stronger or better than the other? Was he raised better? No. The one who survived mentally does not have the predisposition to PTSD. The one who did not survive does. The trauma was just the precipitating event - it brought to light what was already happening in the brain.

So what's a family member or loved one to do? Basically, it is this: 
1. get an understanding (education) what your loved one is really going through;
2. accept that you cannot change or cure them yourself;
3. accept that your living in this situation has not been healthy for you;
4. find out how to change your self so that you can remain sane and gain some peace of mind while fostering an environment that will invite the person with the condition to seek help. In other words, learn how to be supportive, both to yourself and the other person.

And how can one do this? These are the resources I know of that can be helpful in these situations (if you are reading this but aren't local to my area, seek out similar organizations in your locale):*
Al-Anon Family Groups (family/loved ones of alcoholics)
NAMI Basics (education)
NAMI Family to Family (education)
NAMI Support Groups

Again, the best advice for a loved one of someone with a mental health or substance abuse condition is to become the healthiest and most educated you can be so that you can be of support without sacrificing your own mental/emotional/physical health.

Namaste,

Ken

*Disclaimer: Even though I work for NAMI, I write this for myself. Additionally, there is more support out there than what I've got listed, but the above links will get you on the road.

Passing Away

I hate writing about this. I really do.

I found out Saturday that someone in our recovery community passed away Friday night, probably from an overdose. It's very sad. She was a young person with a child. So she was someone's mother, someone's daughter, someone's sister, someone's partner, and a lot of folks' friend.
So how does this happen? Why does this happen?

I've been around death since I was 2 years old. I started walking at one of my grandfather's funeral. When I was 7, I saw my aunt dying from stomach cancer. Throughout the years, I've been to the funerals of relatives and friends. I've missed some, too - a very good friend of mine from college passed away in 1988. He was 28 years old. So I know that physical death is a part of life.

The ones that bother me are the ones who pass young. A classmate who was stabbed to death by her boyfriend when she was 19 or 20. My friend who passed over the weekend. A friend from Boy Scouts who was one of the nicest guys you'd want to know passed in service to his country. There's more.

I don't get into the hows and whys too very much - it's not healthy. It's dabbling in that which is not mine to dabble in. Otherwise I start telling God who should stay and who should go. I've done that before. The whole thing is a great big mystery to me.

Why am I alive today? I've had several overdoses, two of which put me in comas. I've punished myself more than anyone else possibly could have. Yet I'm here today, living, breathing, thriving, while people much better than me [judgment] have passed on. There isn't any logic in it at all.

Spiritually I know that death is sort of like moving out of state - we only cease to exist in this particular physical realm. How many realms are out there, I don't know. If one is a Christian, then they know the words of Jesus, who mentioned to His disciples that His Father's house has many mansions. This indicates that there are many different 'places' for us to exist.

I read a recent statistic that said that people with a chronic mental condition (and addiction is a mental health condition) typically have a life span 25 years less than those without mental health conditions. That's a lot less!

But here's the real deal: Sometimes, maybe often, wonderful people who are a real asset to this world and who are much loved and admired die much too soon [judgment]. As an alcoholic, I can faithfully say that it would be my own inaccurate perception of myself that would cause me to die from my disease. In other words, I view myself, even today, much more harshly than anybody else on the planet. The shame and self-hatred that I carried within me caused me to go back to using alcohol and to other self-destructive behaviors often. One day, who knows when, I began to doubt my own thinking, and I began to look at how others seemed to perceive me. Eventually, because I found myself surrounded by people who looked at me much better than I looked at myself, I began to believe their perceptions more than my own. I began to behave as if my life has value, because obviously it does to those who support me. And that, I believe, is really the only reason that I am alive today - I was able to listen to someone else's thinking more than my own. Let me tell you that that is not an easy task. There is nothing in the world that I placed more value on than my own thinking.

So I understand how my friend went back to the thinking that caused her to die. And I'm sad. I'm sad that she could not see what a special and beautiful human being and child of God she was. I'm sad that she had people who were really close to her who now have an empty space inside of them.

And what can I do? What will I do? I can honor her memory by staying sober and staying in recovery. I can do what others have done for me - I will continue to encourage, support, and love those who live with addiction/alcoholism and other mental health conditions. I will not turn my back on others because it's too hard to see someone die from this - I will continue to develop my understanding that God is in all of us, and continue to develop my skills in helping others discover this Truth for themselves. And I will continue to live and thrive and love my life and myself just as it is and I am today, if only to show others that it is possible to live in recovery. We don't have to die from this disease.

It's the least I can do.

Namaste,

Ken

Please check this site out...

Hi Dear Reader(s),

I ran across an article in Sunday's Milwaukee Journal/Sentinel Business Section entitled "Website Chronicles Patient Experience," about a project at UW-Madison to bring a UK project to the US. The article lists a website where patients' experiences with depression are chronicled, and I thought I would share this link to 1), shed some light on what living with depression is like, and 2), get you to look it over and report back to me, because I might not get to it and then forget about it.

Here it is:
http://healthexperiencesusa.org/

So, please check it out when you get a chance, and see if it is a good site to look at.

Namaste,

Ken

I Have a Voice, Part One

In former posts I have shared a little about some of the organizations I utilize to support my recovery. The organizations to which I belong are very important to me. Every human being has value and worth simply by virtue of being here. That is the Truth. I understand that concept in my head, and I can understand it for others, but I have difficulty most of the time understanding it for myself in my heart. When out there in the world, I can easily get lost. I don't know who I am, and when I look to others to figure that out, I end up comparing, and I usually end up on the short side. I am unable to recognize on my own what a truly wonderful and unique expression of Spirit I am, and I go back to the old belief that I can't fit it, I can't measure up, and I might as well be dead.

Fortunately, I have found groups of people with shared experiences who are on the same path as I am. One of these groups is the Waukesha Chapter of NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness). When I began my recovery a little over a year ago, it was suggested to me by more than one person that I might check out a NAMI support group. Even though I've made a home in substance abuse recovery groups for years, I was reticent about checking out NAMI or any other mental health support groups. A bunch of people sitting around talking about their mental illnesses did not sound like a very fun time. It sounded sort of depressing, and I didn't need any help in getting depressed - I manage that pretty well on my own!

But, because I was desperate and willing to do anything to recover, I went to Care Connection. (Please at this point read my disclaimer to the right, underneath the copyright notice - my views are a culmination of over a 1/2 century's experience, and I've gotten a lot of ideas from a lot of sources. Some of those ideas don't necessarily agree with the ideas put forth in the organizations I may attend, so I claim them as my own and not anyone else's. Capiche?). Care Connection is one of NAMI - Waukesha's support groups. It is for both individuals who have experienced mental illness and for the loved ones of those who have experienced/are experiencing mental illness. Loved ones are affected, too! just like with alcoholism. Anyway, at Care Connection, I found I related to the people there. That was surprising to me. An even better surprise was that these people seemed to be living in the solution (mental health), not in the problem (mental illness). It wasn't depressing! It was interesting! It was fun!

Most of all, I began to discover that I have a voice.

I brought all of me to these groups. They are a safe haven for those of us with beautiful minds. As I've mentioned before, I've been attending substance abuse recovery groups for a long time. There I would watch people work a program of recovery from substance abuse, and I'd see them get better. There I tried to work a program of recovery, and I would stay sober, and inside I'd get worse. And sometimes I felt different and less-than. Here I was in a strong group with other recovering alcoholics and addicts, and there was something missing in me. There was something wrong with me.

Because I hadn't ever accepted that I have another mental illness besides substance abuse, I had rarely looked for another or an additional vehicle for recovery. I spent a lot of years in pain and misery when the answer was just next door. Now I utilize both NAMI support groups and the substance abuse recovery groups.

At Care Connection I found support, understanding, friendship, and compassion. As I continued on the path, I also began going to a Thursday night peer support group held at the NAMI office. And I enrolled in, participated, and completed a 10-week Peer-to-Peer  course which focused on mental health, wellness, and recovery for anyone experiencing a mental health challenge. And then, I was asked to be a Peer Mentor, which involved learning to facilitate the Peer-to-Peer program. And then, I became involved with Stories of Hope, where pairs of us in recovery share our stories of recovery with patients in various mental health treatment programs. And this weekend, I will be going for training to be a Peer Support Group facilitator. Additionally, I also volunteer at the NAMI office, which is fun and enriching.

My involvement with NAMI does a number of things for me:
1. It keeps me in recovery - my commitment to NAMI means to me that I must stay in recovery if I want to be involved;
2. It gives me a vehicle to be of service to others. I can share my experience with recovery with others;
3. It broadens my world - I've met people this past year that I never would have dreamed of meeting, and they're in my life and I am grateful;
4. It gives me a safe and supportive place where I can be me while at the same time develop and grow into an even better me.
5. It gives me lots of stuff to think about and write about, and it gives me hope.

I have heard than when the student is ready, the teacher appears, and I believe this to be the Truth. I spent a lot of time getting ready, lemme tell ya, but I've also been given the most awesome teachers.

Namaste,

Ken