Adventure Road

I took advantage of an opportunity to be of service to a stranger today. A person who was traveling to Chino Valley got 'stuck' in our store parking lot overnight because they were driving with an invalid driver's license, and the Prescott police instructed them to park and not drive anymore. They were hauling a trailer full of goats to auction today, and came into our store this morning to see if someone could drive their truck for them. I had started work at 5 this morning and had completed my tasks around 7, about the time this person was asking for some kind of assistance. They were talking to the manager at work who has given me so much assistance and support over the past two years, and the manager (my friend) asked me if I would be willing to drive this person and their cargo to Chino Valley to the livestock auction. As I had no commitments for the rest of the day, I said I would.

I am so grateful I agreed to help this person out. It was an adventure for me - safely take this stranger and their trailer full of goats to Chino Valley and find my way back to Prescott. I've driven to Chino Valley and back before, but never in a truck with a trailer, and I've never been out to the auction. It's been about 34 years since I've towed a trailer, and the traffic between Prescott and Chino Valley is never good in the daytime. The trip is only about 15 miles, but there are a million stoplights and several traffic circles to navigate along the way. And today we came upon a bad accident, which led us to take a detour. 

The person whom I was assisting was pleasant and grateful. They seemed elderly and frail, and I wondered about their ability to complete their journey even with a valid driver's license. My companion told me the past month has been hard for them, and this trip to the auction was important for them. It seems that determination is a characteristic of many people around these parts, and it goes a long way. They had not been out to this auction, so we relied upon my GPS to guide us. The last two miles were on an unpaved, washboard road, and the going there was very rough and slow!

We found the auction place. Today was the first time I was at a livestock auction, so I had no idea what the procedures were. This auction place is operated by people of Mexican descent, and that made me feel very comfortable, as I've usually found Mexicans to be very courteous and more than helpful. We were instructed to back the truck/trailer up to the corral gate in order to tag and unload the goats. I asked my companion to back the trailer up, as I was sure they could do a better job than I; however, they seemed to be having a lot of difficulty maneuvering, so I asked one of the auction folk to take over. One did, and got things lined up well. They tagged the goats while my companion filled out the paperwork. I stood around and watched, which I usually do quite well. 

We left the goats and the trailer at the auction site, and I drove us back to Chino Valley proper - to our sister store. My companion was going to take care of some business and try to find a driver to take them home to Kingman after the auction. I set out to find a way back to Prescott. 

There is a regional bus service in Yavapai County, and currently it is free. I was planning to take the bus back to Prescott, but I missed the first opportunity. I called a few cab companies, and one got back to me and was able to pick me up. While waiting for the cab, I met a person who needed to get to Prescott for a mental health appointment at the outfit I worked briefly at last year. This person had no money, and I offered to share the cab with them (which made the large cab fare seem more palatable to me). This person was about my age, and, like me, had suffered much over their lifetime from poor mental health. They were currently in an unhoused condition, and facing the prospect of moving into a group home, which wasn't very attractive to them. I understood. They were very grateful to be able to make it to their appointment on time and hopefully get the assistance they need.

I am very grateful for all that transpired today. I am grateful that I got to be of service to two strangers today. I am grateful that I am fit to be of service - sober, reasonably sane, and legal to drive. I am grateful that I had the opportunity to throw caution to the wind today - I took the opportunity to get outside my 'safe' zone in a skillful way. My safe zone is comfortable, but it's not a place where growth and fulfillment occur, and eventually, my safe zone becomes untenable, and I feel myself desiring to break out of it in unskillful ways.

And lately I've been desiring some hard evidence that we really do live in a loving, supportive Universe, and today I got it. I am grateful. 

Namasté,

Ken

Dark Gratitude

Netflix, in its infinite, Netflixian wisdom, decided to produce a series about Jeffrey Dahmer, the serial killer from Milwaukee. This has come to my attention only because some of my housemates have decided that this is fine viewing material. Every time it comes on, I wisely leave. This is the 30th anniversary of Dahmer's trial, and, unfortunately, I and thousands of other Milwaukeeans were treated to front row seats to that spectacle through the efforts of WISN radio. I do not remember how long the trial lasted - two weeks, I think - but I do remember listening to it on the radio every day at work. I was not drinking at the time, but I remember smoking 2 packs of cigarettes each day (more affordable back then, and we could smoke at work) and feeling absolutely miserable at the end of each day. Go figure! 

Fortunately, this post is not about that. This post is about the way I've been feeling and the way I've been dealing with my feelings on the eve of my latest 1 year sobriety anniversary. As you might have already surmised from reading between the lines, I'm not in a 'happy' spot. I am, however, in a good spot; well, at least a better spot than I was a year ago, and certainly in a wiser and more skillful spot.

It was somewhat surprising to me that the reappearance of Jeffrey Dahmer affected me as it has - it's brought up very unpleasant memories and feelings, and it's triggering effect and my revulsion to the Netflix series makes me wonder if I somehow traumatized myself 30 years ago by letting myself be privy to all of that crap on a daily basis for a few weeks. You see, I'm not the sharpest tool in my pappy's shed, but I do recognize today that over the years I allowed myself to get into and stay in situations that were not at all beneficial to my well-being.

This is one of the things that I'm grateful for, and I call it Dark Gratitude because it comes from a place of suffering. It's not the kind of gratitude I hear from my geriatric customers, who, when I ask how they are today, say, "I'm just grateful I woke up today!" or some such stuff that I have trouble wrapping my head around. It's not the kind of gratitude that ignores the true suffering that exists; Dark Gratitude is the kind of gratitude we get from experiencing deep suffering and coming through the other side. Those of us who have been there know why we're grateful today, and I'm grateful to be grateful today. It's a gift, but it's not one to be shared with your ordinary average citizen; it's to be shared with others who have 'been there'.

We had a really severe thunderstorm here today, with high winds, and lots of rain and hail. It was a bit scary, and I was grateful to be in a safe environment throughout. Part of my gratitude comes from having survived the extremes of nature when I did not have shelter. From that gratitude comes compassion for those who are currently feeling not so safe in their current environments, and there are many. I am grateful today that I can even think of others who may not be safe; there have been times when my focus was so narrow that all I could see or feel was my own discomfort.

Dark Gratitude, for me, is being able to see my current difficulties (which are all still internal), and not feeling overwhelmed any more. As I continue on my healing journey, I become more aware that my bright and healthy future is made from the stuff that I am letting go of today. It's still hard to let go of that which no longer serves me, such as expectations and clinging attachments, but the task is made easier by knowing that I am growing into a better version of myself by doing so. I'm also grateful that today I have a realistic vision of a better version of myself. That person did not exist until very recently.

Dark Gratitude is the sadness and fear I feel when someone close to me is struggling with their health. A person came into my life some years ago as a client of mine, and that person was struggling with all of the issues that come from being unable to quit drinking. That person has been in recovery since I've met them, and they are as fine an example of recovery as you'd ever want to see. But, like all of us at one time or another, this person is struggling with some health issues, and I feel sad. My Dark Gratitude is that I can actually feel for another person's struggles, and that I have this person in my life that I can feel for and care about. Dark Gratitude is bittersweet. And today I have a lot of gratitude for the really, really remarkable people who grace my consciousness and my life. I am so blessed. The dark, or maybe humble, part of this gratitude is knowing that every one of them is a gift that I do not deserve.

I can go on and on, and I'm grateful for that as well! One of the things about scratching the surface of gratitude is that I keep finding more and more to be grateful about. And as I write this, I think that perhaps what I call Dark Gratitude could also be called Realistic Gratitude, or Deep Gratitude, or even Radical Gratitude. But I'm going to leave the title as it is, because it reminds me that even when I feel dark, as I kind of do now, (but lighter than when I started), that I still have a lot for which to be grateful.

I am truly grateful for your reading this far. Please know that you are an important part of my life, and that my wish for you is that you experience safety and wellness and freedom from suffering.

Namasté,

Ken

Anatomy of a Relapse

Trigger warning - suicide and death

Thank you all for your good thoughts and prayers during this time - I appreciate it, and it really does help. As far as this relapse goes, it wasn't nearly as major as some I've experienced, and I'm very grateful. I did, of course, create a big mess, but I'm not homeless (yet) and I'm still alive. I was suicidal (that's what starts every one) and began drinking. I was in the ICU twice - the second time for an overdose of my anti-depressant medication. Our local hospital doesn't like me much, I think - after the 2nd ICU, they sent me via ambulance to Oro Valley Hospital Behavioral Health Unit, which is near Tuscon. It's a 5 hour ride in an ambulance, strapped to a stretcher, no stops. It's a very undignified way to travel, but, believe it or not, it's not the worst ride I ever had! I think my local hospital was hoping I'd stay down there. Nope! I'm back home, ready to continue recovery and do what I can to make amends and continue serving others.

I am not defined by my relapses, but by my decision to stay in recovery despite them. 

This relapse began right around the time I started my job as a peer support specialist in mid-July. What really happened was this - I began to focus most of my attention on my new job rather than my Higher Power and my practice. My mindfulness practice, which I had been doing consistently for several months, went to hell. I felt like I couldn't practice. I stopped focusing on recovery, and focused on trying to make things right (whatever right is) with my job.

So if you've been following my posts, you are aware of the troubles I've had with the State of Arizona Department of Public Safety and obtaining my 'fingerprint card' approval, which was necessary for me to keep my job. I couldn't do it. I gave up. I up and left my job. Abandoned it (and my clients). (I can still attempt to appeal my rejection, but right now I'm not up to it. Perhaps another time.)

But that's not all! In a misguided attempt to look good, I was falsifying my timecard. At work, we're supposed to spend 60% of our time (24 of 40 hours) in direct support of clients. I wasn't doing that - I always had overtime, used for entering progress notes. So what I was doing was adjusting my timecard to get the 'production' up to 60% while shaving the hours I worked each day. In other words, I was giving up pay to make it appear that I was doing 60% production in 40 hours a week. This behavior is a throwback - I've done it before in other situations in order to make it look like I was doing better than I really was. I would like to note here that I did not commit medicaid fraud - all my clients were billed for exactly the amount of time I spent with them. I just shaved my off hours.

This might not seem like that big of a deal - it didn't seem like it at the time. But it's dishonest. Honesty is part of the foundation of recovery, and dishonesty just tears it down. Also, my behavior was unfair to my fellow employees, as it subverted the process. The process is there for a reason - follow the process so that if there are problems, we can examine it and see what needs adjusting. My behavior was very unethical, and I knew it. Falsifying records, any records, is unethical. It gives a false image of what's really going on. 

Again, if you've been reading my posts, you know that I was very pleased with how I conducted myself at work at the grocery store. I was honest and ethical. I never falsified anything, and I didn't steal, and I didn't 'adjust' hours. I worked with integrity, and I was proud of my behavior. Still am, for that instance. I did not realize that going back to old behavior was like stabbing my own self in the back. I didn't get caught by anybody - I didn't need to. I was punishing my own self. And the really insane thing is that I did not need to make myself look better - I was still in a probationary period, and not expected to hit the 60% production rate yet. 

In another situation, I was working with a client who was driving me crazy. I spent a lot of time with this client, and it was very difficult for me because I knew I was often not working in the scope of practice of a peer support specialist. I talked a bit about it with my supervisor, but I never really opened up about how my work with this client was bothering me. The problem, in my opinion, was that this client had what is called learned helplessness, and the staff who worked with this client (not just me) were enabling it. I never talked about that - I didn't want to offend anybody. I didn't want to seem 'uppity' (I hope that's not a bad word. If it is, let me know, and I'll find another). I went along with it. Another ethical violation.

So the upshot of all of this is that I don't yet have the guts to practice my profession well. That's really sad, and I hated myself for it. I became very suicidal.

My experience at Oro Valley Behavioral Health Unit was incredibly helpful and enlightening. Besides the fact of the undignified ambulance ride and being 5 hours away from home (you have to go through Phoenix to get there and Phoenix is Arizona's Chicago. Yuck), I got hope again. After a few days of contemplating how I was going to kill myself, I decided that all the help I was getting at Oro Valley was a sign that I needed to get back into recovery. So I re-committed myself to the practice. I began pondering my relapse, and, as my sanity returned, I saw how my behavior, my reaction to the things going on, was way out of proportion to the situation. I was focusing entirely on the mess at work, and forgetting that I need to look at the big picture. And the big picture is simply this - it's not the work itself that's important - I need to discover the areas in which this job can help me become more skillful in finding ways to develop my own coping skills and good habits and ways to help others. I stopped doing that and went back to old behavior, and I stabbed my soul. The problem, if you could call it that, with spiritual development is that the karma from going back to old behavior is way worse than when I was using only maladaptive coping mechanisms to get by in life. "For if, after they have escaped the pollutions of the world through the knowledge of [Source and a better way] they are again entangled in them and overcome, the latter end is worse for them than the beginning. For it would have been better for them not to have known the way of righteousness, than having known it, to turn from the holy commandment delivered to them." (2 Peter 2:20, 21 NKJV) The language seems a little harsh to me, but, in my experience, it's the Truth! My challenge is that I know at least two ways of doing anything, and I'm not very skillful yet at making the best choice. So I'm still here because I still have a lot of room to grow. 

There were a lot of blessings and God moments at Oro Valley. I spoke with one of the chaplains one day, and as I listened, I realized he was from my area in Wisconsin. I asked him, and he said he grew up on the South Side of Milwaukee. Most everybody in Arizona are from somewhere else, and there are many from the north, so I often meet people from Wisconsin. Those are always God moments for me, for some reason.

I also met a couple of wonderful people who were patients too, and made some new friends. We really connected, and it's not often that I connect so well with someone and make a new friend. I am so, so grateful for this. It's like Source planted these people in my life to make me a richer person, or Source planted me in these folks' lives. I feel very blessed. 

I am going to go back to my job at the grocery store for a while. I am grateful that it is available to me. Another miracle that will enrich me if I treat the experience skillfully, and I know I can.

Out of my window at Oro Valley I was able to view the Catalina Mountains. I love mountains. They represent strength, security, and stability for me. They go through their changes (fires and such), but they're still always there. This morning I got to view the sunrise over the mountains. It was really cool. It started looking just like a flashlight or head light, and it grew to it's full size and kept moving. It's an incredible experience for me to be able to see the sun move (actually the Earth rotating). For some reason, it puts things in perspective for me.

I was also able to re-start my mindfulness practice, which is a huge part of my recovery foundation. At Oro Valley, I became open and receptive again, and I was able to shift my focus back to my purpose - to become of maximum service to my Creator and the people with whom I come in contact. 

I got home tonight and went to my recovery meeting. My Sangha welcomed me back, of course, with open arms. I have a group of people who love me and support me on my spiritual path. One beautiful person at the meeting had also relapsed - overdosed on opiates. I felt very guilty for not being available, as I was busy in my own relapse and unable to be of service to anybody. I felt like if I came back and found they had died, I would have killed myself, for not being available. I know that's not right thinking, but I also know that not being available to support others directly opposes my purpose and my practice, and can hurt me and others. I have to be there, in whatever way I can. 

So I'm back home, and I may have to find a new place to live. I'm ok with that right now. I have a lot of amends to make - mostly to my roommate and my co-workers at my peer specialist job. And myself. My psychiatrist at Oro Valley is from Sri Lanka, so we connected well, too - he knows what I'm talking about. He told me that I have to learn the practice of self-compassion, that it needs to become a part of my recovery foundation. So I am learning that. 12 step programs often use the prayer of St. Francis of Assissi in the 11th step. It's a prayer for gaining compassion for others, and I re-wrote it to make it a prayer for gaining self compassion. I may have to write a whole post on the 11th step, St Francis, and his prayer. It really is quite powerful.

Hey, did I mention that I did not commit any crimes during this relapse? That's a big thing for which to be grateful. I am concerned, though - I came close to dying during this relapse, and I really want to avoid having to come so close to death in order to learn something. There are safer paths to enlightenment. My path really boggles my mind sometimes - I run with people who could be dead tomorrow. That seems harsh, but it's the truth. Knowing that does keep me on my toes. I really, really, really, want to ease the suffering of others. Mine too. When I hurt myself, others hurt too. Seems like kind of a dangerous life to me.

So there ya have it. I don't spend a lot of time in guilt, because guilt is useless unless it prevents one from doing something hurtful. I just jump in and continue with my recovery, knowing that there's a lesson in everything, even cleaning up my messes. It all has purpose. I do really want to learn how to avoid the whole death thing - I know there must be a way to learn and grow without backsliding. I have faith that I'll be able to do that, because I have a strong desire today to stay alive. 

I love you all and wish for you the best of everything.

Namasté,

Ken

Breaking It Down

 My store director notified me 2 days ago that he had put me in for a merit raise. Wonderful! How much doesn't matter because, if you read my post Priceless, you'll know that I couldn't possibly be paid in dollars and cents what I'm truly worth (neither could you). But I am very grateful to receive a direct affirmation that I am appreciated where I work. I noticed, however, that I had mixed feelings about the news - I felt good that I'm being noticed and my work is appreciated, but I also felt some guilt, and I thought, "Why should I feel guilty?" So I decided to break it down. 

I've written recently about discovering that what was keeping me in a depressed mood or vibe most of the time can be called my Attributional Style - that I was living with the belief that everything 'bad' that was going on in my life was the result of me being a bad person, and that if something good happened to happen, it was a fluke, and I would surely screw it up. With that attributional style, it's difficult, if not impossible, to get out of depression. So what I'm learning to do is to break things down, and look at events, my thinking, and my feelings individually so that I can see if they really fit who I am or who I want to become. In other words, I turned off the autopilot and started to fly manually more often to see if I might end up at a different destination.

So this incident at work, my receiving word that my name was put in for a raise, and the subsequent mixed feelings, gave me the perfect opportunity to break things down and see where my feelings were coming from. (At the end of this post, I'll share what could have happened if I hadn't broken it down).

The question came to me, "Why do I feel guilty about receiving a raise?" and the answer is, I don't. I show up at work, usually on time, I've never called in, I'm honest, I do what is asked of me and more always to the best of my ability, and I'm good at what I do, I'm pleasant to be around, and I have a positive (outward) attitude, and occasionally I offer helpful suggestions. I deserve a merit raise, based on my performance. Ok, so where are the guilt feelings coming from? 

There were two places from which the guilty feelings stemmed. The first is that I know my own inner thinking, and I think it needs improvement. I'm not happy with some corporate policies that I think make my job more difficult or frustrating. I'm not happy that I think the store's (and maybe corporate's) management is short sighted, and is pennywise and pound-foolish. I'm not happy that I believe some of my co-workers don't give a shit about doing a good job. I'm grateful I'm not an outward complainer (most of the time), but I know that much of my thinking while I'm working takes away from my effectiveness - so that I am not the best worker that I possibly could be. However, I am doing my work to change this aspect of myself, and I am improving. There is no reason to feel guilty about having a bad inner attitude so long as I'm working to improve.

The second reason I was experiencing guilt was because I am not planning at working for my employer forever. I am currently in the process of becoming a certified Peer Specialist again - I'm aiming at employment that is a better utilization of my gifts and skills. And I'm not ungrateful for working where I am - despite my shitty-at-times thinking, I'm very grateful for the huge opportunity that has been given me by my current employer! But, most important, my store director knows of my plans - I've asked off for the 2 weeks of training in May, and I've spoken with him directly about my plans. So he knows - if he wants to give me more money despite the fact that I won't be there forever, who am I to say no? I'm not deceiving him in the least. So there's no reason to feel guilty.

Ok, a quick paragraph or two about guilt and shame, because I think the following points can't be driven home enough. Guilt is bad feelings about what I've done, or am doing, and shame is bad feelings about who I am. Both are negative states of consciousness, but guilt can be used in a positive way, whereas shame is useless (in my opinion). Shame says that I am a bad person, and nothing I can do will ever change that. I may strive to be 'good', and do all sorts of good stuff, but deep down I'm always going to be a piece of shit, and if anybody ever knew what a really shitty character I am, they wouldn't have anything to do with me. Maybe I'm a bad person because of my gender, my race or ethnicity, or the religion into which I was born, or because I was born with or acquired a disability, cognitive and/or physical - whatever! It's some aspect or fact about me that can't really be changed at the deepest level that, somewhere along the line, I've learned that I should (there's that s-word!) feel bad about. Shame can only be let go - there's nothing in this life I can ever accomplish that will erase shame. I have to simply (but not so easily) begin to judge myself differently and let it go.

Guilt, on the other hand, is bad feelings stemming from something I've done, or, something I'm thinking about or thinking about doing. Guilt is good when the feelings keep me from harming someone else or myself in some way. Guilt can be bad for me when I feel bad about doing something that is not harming myself or someone else - for instance, I can (and often do) feel guilty about asking for help. I'm not going to elaborate on that, that's a whole 'nother post. But here's an example of positive guilt:

I work right in the middle of the addictive section of my store - between bakery, liquor, and ice cream. Because of good practice, I am rarely bothered by thoughts about alcohol, but I still often have to make tough choices regarding the bakery and the ice cream, so guilt surrounding those items hasn't been helpful yet. Here's a guilt story about liquor: At the store, we get rid of stock that doesn't sell or is outdated or going to be outdated. We do this by offering it for half-price, and then, eventually, distressing it (getting rid of it and calling it a loss). For whatever reason, when I see a skid full of liquor or beer is basically trash, my interest is piqued. Most recently, it was some Stolichnaya Vodka. If you're not familiar with it, it's a fairly high-end vodka that I've never sampled. Anyway, thoughts of stealing it or drinking it give me feelings of guilt - bad feelings inside because if I follow through on the thought, I'm being harmful to myself and others. That's good guilt - it says there are consequences from following this line of thinking that I no longer want in my experience. The way guilt turns bad is if I do not listen to it, or, again, if I have constant guilt about taking (or not taking) actions - then it can turn to shame. Guilt is often a useful tool if I use it.

So there you have it. And, as I promised, I will let you know what can happen if I don't dissect how I'm thinking or feeling. If I were to assume that I should feel guilty about getting a raise, rather than analyzing what's really going on, I would continue to feel guilty and add it to my shame bucket. Eventually, I would do things to sabotage my job, like calling in, or not doing what is assigned to me, or giving voice to the complaints in my head. Eventually, probably more sooner than later, I would feel like my whole life sucked, and I would create evidence to prove that I don't deserve the good that comes to me. I would drink again, and I would go back into active addiction and depression, and I would be unable to keep my job, my apartment, and, eventually, my life. That's just how the cycle runs. So it's important to me that I nip relapse in the bud and at the source - my thoughts and feelings. Once I release something by taking an action, I give up control; however, I do have tools to help me steer my thinking and feeling into better actions.

I am grateful today for the insight that has been given to me, and I'm especially grateful for the willingness, motivation, strength, and courage that it takes to use this insight to allow life to be good.

Namasté,

Ken

Takeaways From A Mistake

I love lessons that aren't all that painful. Today I had off from work, but I usually go in on Thursdays to cash my check and shop. Today I cashed my check, bought a money order for May rent, and shopped. I carried my backpack with me for a place to put the money order where it wouldn't get wrinkled or damaged (like it would in my pocket). So I do my shopping, pack my groceries, and head out. Shortly after arriving home and unpacking my groceries, I received a text message from one of my managers saying I had left my backpack at the store. Oh! Now, mind you, I didn't leave it in the employee area, I left it in the store. I was a customer today, not an employee (even though I faced the shelves where I took my items from). I hightailed it back to the store, retrieved my backpack, and was relieved to find its contents (a blank money order) intact. 

I immediately went to gratitude - I am grateful to God, the Universe, and to my co-workers that I didn't lose a month's worth of rent. But, more important than retrieving the money, and this is the miracle for me, is that I did not beat myself up for making this mistake - especially since earlier in the day I felt a little down because I didn't feel I was doing such a good job at 'adulting'. My pattern in the past has been to pick, pick, pick at my mistakes until I get feeling good and depressed because I'm such a schmuck. In my post Dismantling the Program - Part II, I discussed learning about Attributional Styles, and the attributional style of a person living with depression (namely me) is that anything bad happening in my life is happening because deep down, I'm a bad person. (When something good happens, it's a fluke, and the other shoe is sure to drop soon!) I've been practicing and learning over the past 9 months to separate incidents, and to avoid attributing them to my worthiness (or lack thereof) as a human being. If I make a mistake, I make a mistake - it's because I'm human. Can I learn from it? Maybe! 

I also think a lot more quickly nowadays, and as I was biking back to the store, I thought, "What will I do if the money order isn't there?" Well, because I've actually been adulting (living skillfully) a little bit better, I would still have enough for May rent. It would still be a financial hit, but I'd make it. 

And because I was so pleased with being so self-forgiving, I began to think about compassion. You see, in my head I can still be pretty unforgiving of people who make mistakes. I've been struggling with this at work for a while. It's a good thing I'm not a manager, because with my managerial style I'd have to change my name to Richard. The thought hit me pretty loud and clear today that if I am able to have compassion and forgiveness for myself, why not others? Why not let others be human and make mistakes as well? Sometimes Lots of times, I think people do stupid stuff on purpose - probably because I've done a lot of stupid things in life even though I supposedly knew better. 

9 months ago, shortly before my last relapse, I had prayed with someone at the church of which I'm a member (but have yet to attend in person) about being able to see myself as God sees me, because, up to that point, I hadn't been able to accept that my Higher Power loves me unconditionally and wants the best for me. I see today, looking over the past 9 months, that my attitude is shifting, and I am beginning to love myself, and, in doing so, beginning to express the beautiful child of God that I Am.

I was reminded tonight of a long-forgotten incident that happened at the first university I attended. I was 19 or 20 at the time, and deep into my alcoholism. A fellow student had dropped his wallet on the floor in my dorm. I happened upon it, picked it up, and opened it. I noted that there was identification within it as well as $100. I took the $100 and dropped the wallet back on the floor. 

Did I know what the proper thing was to do? Of course I did. Why didn't I do the right thing? Because nobody was looking, and because at that time in my life, I was pretty sure that if I were to receive any blessings in this lifetime, I'd have to steal them. I went on like that for a long time. 

I'm grateful to be able to truthfully say today that I know I don't have to steal anything - that the Universe is constantly supplying me with everything I need in abundance, and all I have to do is get into alignment with it:  to raise my consciousness from that of a worthless, useless, scum-lapping piece of shit that will never be able to amount to anything to a beloved Child of God. That's a big leap to make. It takes work, and the work doesn't involve becoming a better person so that God loves me more - it involves me letting go of those parts of my consciousness that aren't in agreement with Who I Really Am. I won't bullshit you - it's a lot of work. But it gets easier, because the more I let shit go, the lighter I get, and the better I feel about myself, Life, and living.

I mention this because I've told people of today's events previous to putting it down here on cyberpaper, and some folks' comments don't ring quite true to me. Now, you believe what works for you, but, in order to continue to grow more in alignment with Spirit, I have to believe that God couldn't possibly love me any more today than It did last year, or 5 years ago, or 58 years and 9 months ago - that God's love for Its Creation is infinite, and really unfathomable to the human mind. It certainly does appear that if one does good, good stuff follows. But in this world of form, that doesn't always happen, does it? Sometimes the seemingly bad guys get off, and sometimes the seemingly good guys get screwed. And my very human mind would take a fact like that and say the Universe is capricious or ambivalent, when the Truth is, it is neither. It's simply that I usually lack complete Understanding of what's really going on. 

My father once told me, "The birds just sing for some people, and they certainly sing for you." He was right. I don't deserve to be here today, much less be here living the life I'm living. I was so incredibly self-destructive. And through my time in and around recovery, which has spanned more than half my life, I have seen much better humans than me suffer immeasurably and die from the disorders from which I'm now in recovery. I've seen families lose their beloved children. I don't have answers for that. I like to think that I have answers for almost everything, but I don't really. I have a few answers that seem to be working for me today, but that's about it.

What I endeavor to do today is to be accepting and grateful - for it all. I try to remember to look for the God in everything, because it's there. I don't always succeed in seeing it right away, but I find more good to Life when I'm looking for it than when I'm focusing on the bad. And today I endeavor to live up to the person God thinks I Am.

Here are some applicable Holy Bible verses that I didn't bother to insert into the text. Look 'em up if you've a mind to:

Isaiah 55 - the whole thing

1 Corinthians 13: 9-13

Matthew 7: 7-8

Proverbs 3: 5-6

I wish for you much love, peace, and alignment.

Namasté,

Ken

Gratitude and Money

First off, I apologize for not yet writing and publishing the second part to my last post. It wasn't posted to Facebook yet, but it is published here (Blogger). I'm still wrapping my head around that whole topic.

So, anyway, gratitude and money. Or money and gratitude. I've recently started a book called "The Magic" by Rhonda Byrne. It's about acquiring a real working attitude of gratitude in my life. Gratitude is a powerful tool not only for recovering people but for everybody. To be really, really grateful for life and all that comes with it is, to me, success. "The Magic" gives exercises to supercharge gratitude and create almost immediate change in one's life. 

The whole book is premised on Matthew 13:12, in which Jesus states, "Whoever has will be given more, and they will have an abundance. Whoever does not have, even what they have will be taken from them." (NIV) Now, at first glance, this seems very unfair! But remember that Jesus was about teaching how the Universe works, and much of His teachings concerned human attitudes. When read in the context of gratitude, this verse makes perfect sense - Whoever is grateful for what they have will find even more to be grateful for, and whoever is ungrateful will lose even what they have. Remember that what we focus on grows and grows, so if I begin to focus on what I do have, with an attitude of gratitude, I will find more about which to be grateful. On the other hand, if I focus my attention on what I lack, I will find even more lack. I've lived in both situations.

Even a person who has seemingly nothing can find, when they look, something for which to be grateful. If you are reading this, you have something for which to be grateful - you are alive, you can read, and you're reading something I wrote, which is really special! There's 3 things right there.

Today's lesson or exercise from "The Magic" is on money. Lately I've been doing really well in the money area, and I've known for a long time that my attitude regarding money and life itself affects my finances. But today's lesson showed me something I hadn't really considered much lately, and it showed me that I was raised with a lot more than I thought I had. In other words, today's lesson shifted my focus a bit on growing up. Here is what Ms. Byrne asked:

• Did you always have food to eat?
• Did you live in a home?
• How did you travel to school each day? Did you have schoolbooks, school lunches, and all the things you needed for school?
• Did you go on any vacations when you were a child?
• What were the most exciting birthday gifts you received when you were a child?
• Did you have a bike, toys, or a pet?
• Did you have clothes as you grew so quickly from one size to the next?
• Did you go to the movies, play sports, learn a musical instrument, or pursue a hobby?
• Did you go to the doctor and take medicine when you were not well?
• Did you go to the dentist?
• Did you have essential items that you used every day, like your toothbrush, toothpaste, soap, and shampoo?
• Did you travel in a car?
• Did you watch television, make phone calls, use lights, electricity, and water? (R. Byrne, The Magic, 2012, pp. 62-63)

So, as I read this list this morning, I was amazed. I answered 'yes' to each one! That's over 13 things for which I can be grateful! And Ms. Byrne points out that all of those things I had growing up took money.

I was not a grateful child growing up - statement of fact, no judgement either way. I grew up in a nice small non-integrated community, with both my middle-class parents who both worked, and I didn't know anything about material lack. I didn't experience it, and 99% of the people with whom I grew up did not experience it. My experience growing up was normal to me, and I really didn't know any differently. Nowadays, I know people who grew up in the chaos of poverty and instability; back then, I really didn't. Because I was unaware that a lot of people spent their childhoods in situations that were much, much different than mine, I came to adulthood with an attitude of entitlement, which did not help me lead a good life - I had no real appreciation of what I actually had.

In my adult life I've learned, firsthand, about poverty, both material and spiritual. If I were to apply those questions to my life today, I could not answer 'yes' to all of them. And that's ok - abundance is creeping back into my life as I'm learning to change my attitudes and approach to life.

The main spiritual attitude to which I aspire is that life is all good. The spiritual groups that I follow teach this, and it makes more sense to me than the idea of a deity that hands out random blessings and random punishments, that loves some of his creation and hates the rest. With this attitude, the responsibility for whether or not I lead a blessed life rests on my shoulders, not God's. Am I avoiding and escaping what comes to me in this lifetime, or am I embracing it? Am I looking for what I hate about Life, or am I looking for things and people to love? Did God create a miserable, useless, waste of oxygen, or did It create a wonderful copy of Itself that is currently coming into his own? These are questions which I encounter every day, and my answer is determined in and by my actions and attitudes. I work every day toward living more in the reality of who I really am, rather than the illusion that was given me and that I've fostered over the years.

But anyway, it is not necessary to believe as I believe in order to harness the power of gratitude. All it takes is to be willing and open to see life differently, and to focus on the abundance in my life rather than the lack, and to develop the feeling of gratitude. When my vision is wide, I feel abundantly blessed; when it is narrow, I can feel cursed. I learn each day ways to improve my vision, and I do feel grateful to be alive today and to be experiencing life as I am today. I am filled with hope and optimism. 

Namasté,

Ken

Starting at the Top

 My current counselor recently introduced me to a new (to me) concept. We were talking about doing our best vs seeking approval. My counselor used to teach, and he said that when he began the semester, he told his students that they all had A's - that all they had to do if they wanted to have an A at the end of the semester was to maintain it by learning and doing the work. This sounded to me both intriguing and a little fishy. The more I started to think about it, and to examine my past regarding doing my best vs approval seeking, the more it made sense, especially spiritually.

As discussed in an earlier post, one of my core beliefs that doesn't work for me anymore is that I am inferior, I'm not good enough, I don't have what it takes (whatever it is). I have reinforced that belief time and time again through sabotaging the opportunities that came my way. When I had an opportunity, instead of doing my best, I did what I thought would bring me approval and love. Living for approval is not sustainable in the long run for (at least) two reasons: the first is that if I need approval from someone else as motivation to live life, I've made another human being (or an institution or corporation) my higher power, and no human being (or institution or corporation) is equipped to take on the job of being mine or anyone else's higher power. The second reason is that I have an addictive personality, and approval is like a drug to me, and eventually, I can't get enough. So the end result of living life to get others' approval is discouragement, disappointment, and resentment. Not good.

Those of us who have lived through mental illness and/or addiction and/or incarceration can probably relate - we've hit bottom in one way or another. When we get out of the hospital, or the treatment center, or the prison, if we don't want to go back, it looks like we're at the base of a very tall mountain - the mountain being recovery and regaining health, dignity, and respect. Lots of us get a little way up the mountain, get exhausted, fall down and roll back down, somewhat like Sisyphus.

What if I changed my thinking on this? What if, instead of starting at the bottom, beaten and broken, and having to scrabble my way up, I start at the top, meaning cultivating a belief that I already have what I need to be successful in whatever I desire to do today? Cultivating this belief, however, has a few prerequisites - I must be willing to live a day, or even a moment, at a time; I must be willing to act as if I have a loving Higher Power that provides me with everything I need today to have a successful day; I must be willing to not only count the mistakes I make in a day, but to count the things I've done well during the day.

I have a new job - I work at a grocery store as a courtesy clerk and, more recently, as a checker. Most days I open, meaning I start at 6 am  checking and preparing certain things for the day's business. In other words, I clean the bathrooms and the break room, sweep the floors, take out the trash, and perform other miscellaneous tasks. Then when customers begin coming, I help bag groceries, collect carts, check prices, and other miscellaneous tasks. I love what I'm doing (being of service) and I feel extremely grateful and fortunate to be working in a grocery store. It has great meaning for me - 23 years ago I worked in grocery, and I really messed that job up in a big way. I feel like I've been given another chance and an opportunity to make indirect amends to the grocery store for which I used to work, as well as direct amends to myself - I get to work each day at being a different person than I used to be. I go at my job each day with enthusiasm, and I do my best. Apparently my best is very good, as my work has been noticed several times in a positive way. 

Because I see this job as a gift from God or an opportunity from the Universe, I am interested in seeking my approval regarding how I show up and perform each day. I know what I need to do to feel like I'm doing a good job. I'm not interested in anyone else's approval, though I do get it. (And that's one of the paradoxes in my life - when I do something for it's own sake - for instance, being authentic - rather than in an effort to gain approval, I get more approval than I would have gotten if I had tried for it, and it feels better, too, because it's genuine. I did not solicit it).

What I'm not doing is coming at this job from an angle of 'not good enough' and trying to prove myself. I suit up, show up (on time), and do all my tasks believing that they are gifts. So I don't get paid a whole bunch monetarily, but I am wealthy beyond belief in self-esteem and gratitude.

Now let's take a look at recovery. My current counselor, and a lot of people in recovery, say that the only thing I have to do today in order to be successful is to abstain from using alcohol or drugs. That is really tough for me to swallow, because I counter with, "You mean I could stay in bed all day and do nothing and I'm a success?" Well, sort of. The thing is that staying in bed all day is not conducive to sobriety or mental health recovery. However, if I put my recovery first, I am going to be doing things to support my recovery, and those will be good, healthy things. So maybe I lose my job and crash my car - I'm a success today if I don't allow those circumstances to drive me back to drinking or mental illness. If my reaction to life today is constructive, rather than destructive, and even if I didn't finish everything, or not everything went according to plan, and can still consider myself a success this day. 

I've met so many people who've had difficulty in recovery because addiction or mental illness had crushed their idea of what success "should" be. Nobody has to buy in to another's idea of success. When I follow my heart and conscience, that's success to me today. When I do today what brings joy and peace into my life and the lives of others, I am successful today. I don't need to measure up to anybody else's ideas of success.

To start at the top, I do these things: I open myself, my mind, and my heart to life today - this is where I am, right here and right now, and attempting to avoid or escape it only brings me suffering. In prayer, I align my will with my Higher Power's will, and if I am fuzzy on how to do that, I ask for help. I become grateful for the multitude of gifts that I have, which makes me feel good inside, which in turn motivates me to keep moving in a positive direction. I acknowledge my mistakes, and rectify them if I can and/or learn from them - I no longer beat myself up for them. I no longer say, "I should have known better," because obviously I didn't. I endeavor to live life from the inside out, to be of service, and to utilize the gifts and talents that I have. Through this, I see I have the potential to add a lot to life; this doesn't mean that I have to do it all today. I understand that in order to get wherever I'm going, I have to pass through today, so I endeavor to make today satisfying and joyful.

I've been symptom-free from anything for over two months now. Life is challenging, but it has not been a struggle. I do not recall a time in the recent past when I've felt so engaged with life and actually happy to be alive. I am very grateful.

Namasté,

Ken

Improving My Reception

 I had an interesting and unusual experience last week - I received a package from Amazon. That's not unusual - what is unusual is that I wasn't expecting it and it's something I needed. The package contained 2 black polo shirts, which I need for work.

When I received the package, I didn't know what it was, so I opened it up and discovered the shirts. They were two Hanes brand black polo shirts. I wondered if I had ordered them by mistake, because a few days before, I was looking on Amazon at these exact shirts. I started to doubt my sanity, but then I remembered that I had no money on my debit card with which to pay for these shirts. I went to my card account and found I still had no money, and that I hadn't sent any to Amazon in over 3 months. Did Amazon, out of the goodness of their corporate heart, decide to send me something I was just looking at?

Then I found a little slip of paper inside that said this was a gift from someone, but it didn't have their name. There are only 3 people who know my shipping address, and I quickly narrowed it down to one person. I found out I was correct.

So what's the deal - is this a coincidence, or is it evidence that the Universe is constantly conspiring for my highest good? I'm choosing the latter - I want to believe what I've read and been told - that there is a force for good in the Universe that is unconditional Love, and that this force - Spirit - is always giving. I like to compare it to the Sun, even though Spirit is infinitely bigger and more powerful than the Sun. All the Sun does all day (and all night, even though we don't see it) is send out light. It doesn't matter if it's cloudy or not - the Sun is still emitting it's rays. The Sun, I know, doesn't care whether I'm a "good" boy or a "bad" boy - it just keeps shining on me. Receiving those shirts from an anonymous benefactor is tangible evidence to me that Something is working on my behalf. 

I must admit that I don't have blind faith in my Higher Power. I do, however, have an intuitive sense that an underlying Substance that is perfect Love and intelligence governs Life and governs my life.  This intuitive sense is my faith, and a lot of days it seems like it's not very developed. What I do have faith in are the spiritual principles of recovery from addiction - honesty, openmindedness, willingness, surrender, humility, love, hope, courage, faith, strength, and others. When I practice these principles, I am able - I have the power - to stay in recovery and be a blessing to those around me. When I stop practicing these principles, I relapse into depression and active addiction. It's that simple, and yet it's not. I have faith in these principles because when I practice them, and I see others practice them, I see them work. I see sobriety and recovery. I've experienced the results.

The question that baffles me is why do I backslide? Why do I make real progress, and then relapse? 

I've experienced a ton of healing in my life, but I've also experienced a ton of sickness. I think it's about 50/50 right now, but the healing might be getting in the lead. Since July 17th, I've experienced sobriety, hope, insights, changes in attitude and behavior, and an overall improvement in my reaction to Life. I seem to be cooperating with Life lately, and that urge to self-destruct has gone into remission. As this has been developing, I've also receive signs that Spirit is active in my life. I like these signs; two of the big ones are the shirts I received and the job for which I received them. It really is a miracle that I'm back in grocery again, and all I'm going to say about that is that I recognize this job as an opportunity to make indirect amends for the shitstorm I caused over 20 years ago!

So, I've got all these signs, and I'm feeling good about my experiences and the progress I've made over the past 8 weeks (which really is no time), and I believe more and more that something Divine is working in my life - how do I keep this going? Consistent spiritual practice. I begin to learn that today  I have no more important job than to maintain my sobriety/recovery. I begin to understand at a deep level that I cannot do this on my own; I must accept & receive the help of my Higher Power. Then I continue to develop my relationship with that Higher Power. 

I can see more clearly today how I rationalized the thinking and behavior that pushed me away from recovery and toward relapse. I can see how I created the clouds that obscured the Sunlight of the Spirit and made me believe again that my life had no value, that I had no value. These "clouds" are fear, doubt, low self-esteem, lack of humility, resentment, self-pity, escapism, isolation, lack of connection, and hopelessness. When I allow these clouds to form, they effectively block Spirit, even though Spirit is still there. Spirit never leaves me; I try to hide. 

I believe one of the key elements in keeping the faith is active gratitude. Active gratitude is simply seeking and seeing the blessings in and around me, and being thankful to Source for them. As we know by now, what I focus on grows and grows - when I focus on the shit in life, shit grows; when I focus on the good in life (and in myself), the good grows. So when I seek and acknowledge good in my life, I find it more and more; that's just the way the Universe works.

So here's the point - my experiencing the coincidences and miracles in my life is really me opening up my mind and heart to experience them. I'm improving my reception. I believe I live in an abundant Universe - that blessings and miracles are swirling around me - and that the only thing that keeps me from receiving these blessings is poor reception - a closed mind and/or a closed heart. God shows up in my life in a lot of ways - through different people and different events. In order to receive, I need to stay open; otherwise, I'll walk right by my blessings. 

The way for me to improve and maintain my receptivity, my reception, is to keep a consistent spiritual practice, which includes prayer, meditation, and gratitude, and also a sense of expectation throughout the day. For me, it's skillful to expect something good - something good will happen. Expecting specific things has often proven unskillful for me - my focusing my mind on specific things seems to make me miss the better things that Spirit has in Mind for me.

I don't know how to end this, probably because there isn't an end; no matter how practiced and skillful I get, there will always be room for improving my reception. So for now, I'll say blessings on your path, thank you for reading, and

Namasté,

Ken

Anatomy of a Save

I experienced a textbook save the other morning, and I thought I might share it. A 'save' is anytime my thinking is getting shitty (hence the term stinkin' thinkin'), and something happens or I do something to turn it around and get my head back in recovery. 

This particular morning I was feeling sort of tired and part of me didn't want to go to work. The day before I got a little too much sun, and I was feeling it. I went in anyway, and began my advertising/blessing 'work'. Some days I experience an almost total lack of ambition, and today was one of those days. I started my work, and I was blessing drivers as they passed, hoping to get into the spirit of it. It wasn't really happening, and during gaps in traffic, my mind was turning to the stimulus check that is supposed to be in the mail.

I have good plans for that check when it comes when I'm in my right mind. My thoughts that day were not coming from my right mind - they were coming from an alcoholic mind. I was thinking about taking that check and having one big, final party. No, that's not rational thinking, but rational thinking doesn't go with alcoholism, and at that point, my mind was definitely alcoholic, even though I had had nothing to drink.

And I was suffering, switching back and forth between blessing others and stinkin' thinkin'. I was really trying to get my thinking back on the right track, and it wasn't working.

A recovery text I use says that at times, the sober alcoholic has no mental defense against the first drink - that this defense must come from a Higher Power. About a 1/2 hour into work, my sponsor (recovery trainer, spiritual mentor, etc.) rolled up on his way to work. He lives about a 1/4 mile away, but this is the first time he's stopped by while I'm working to say hi. I stopped what I was doing to talk with him. He asked how I was doing and I said, "Fine," because that's my automatic response. Then I said, "Wait a minute, I'm not fine," and I talked to him about what I was struggling with.

It is not easy for me to talk about my thinking when I'm struggling. When I'm down in any kind of stinkin' thinkin' (fear, self-pity, resentment), I know my thoughts make sense only to me - but they still make sense. And what is worse is that I think I can think myself back on to the right side of the street. Sometimes I can, if I only meet the unwanted thinking at the door; but sometimes, I invite the thinking inside and begin entertaining it. Bad news! And I don't want to share what's going on with anyone, because they'll think (know) that I'm crazy, or think I'm stupid or bad for possessing such thinking. The truth is that I'm the only one who ever judges me as crazy, bad, or stupid (at least that I'm aware of). So I was very grateful when I told my sponsor the truth of what was going on.

And it was ok. He did laugh, but he didn't call me crazy, stupid, or bad. He understood, and he empathized. He said it won't always be that way - my thinking won't always revert to alcoholic thinking when (relatively) large sums of money come my way or something else happens. And by talking to my sponsor - someone who is understanding - I was allowing Light to be shed on my darkness, and the darkness dissipated. And that's what made this a save - I was able to return to my job with my mind freed from obsession, and my enthusiasm for what I was doing - what was in front of me - returned.

Earlier I mentioned that sometimes nothing but my Higher Power can keep me from drinking, or from the obsessive thinking that will lead me to drinking or worse. Because my connection with Spirit wasn't totally broken (I had prayed earlier that morning, and I was attempting to be a blessing to those around me), Spirit intervened by sending my sponsor by to say hello. And I want to emphasize that it was totally my choice whether to recognize that God had thrown me a life preserver or to ignore it and continue to try to wrestle with my darkness on my own. And I thanked my sponsor then and later, letting him know that his intervention really did make my day.

So that's the anatomy of a save:

• Greet unwanted thought at the door of my consciousness;
• Take the chain off the door and invite the unwanted thought into my consciousness;
• Entertain the unwanted thought until it becomes unwanted thinking (obsession);
• Try on my own to kick the obsession out - struggle with it and suffer;
• Call on my Higher Power to remove the obsession (or at least be open to a solution);
• Recognize and be willing to utilize the solution when it appears.

God continues to watch over me, but I must continue to allow Him to do His healing work by becoming willing, open, and vulnerable and standing out of the way.

Namasté,

Ken

Mind Games

***Trigger Warning*** - this post deals with triggers & urges to drink.

Yesterday, I was walking to the drugstore on a path that runs next to Prescott Valley's big drainage ditch (built for monsoon season to help avoid flash flooding). I use this path all the time, and like any public path, there is sometimes trash strewn about. At one point, less than a mile to my destination, I noticed a bottle (a fifth) of Wild Turkey Rye Whiskey laying in the grass; only I really noticed it. I fairly often see stuff of this nature on my walks, and I usually give stuff a half-second glance. The glance I gave the bottle yesterday was much more than a half-second, and that bottle and its contents looked good.

If you are a non-alcoholic or non-addict, you might wonder what the attraction was. I walk into gas stations and grocery stores that sell beer and liquor all the time. I rarely have an issue being in close proximity to sealed alcoholic products sitting innocently on the store shelves waiting for some customer to buy them. I know I'm not that customer.

Fortunately, this happened yesterday. If I had happened upon that bottle of Wild Turkey two weeks ago, I'm fairly certain that I would have taken advantage of it, because two weeks ago I was not in a good space mentally or spiritually. Yesterday I was doing pretty good.

So I carried on to my destination, and after I was done with my business, I began my return trip using the same path. I came upon the bottle of whiskey again, and I stopped. Again, I knew the problem for me - it was there. So I decided to pour it out. I picked up the bottle, and it was nearly full. I can't comprehend someone leaving a nearly full bottle of whiskey alone in the wilds - that's alcohol abuse! I went to unscrew the cap, and noted it wasn't a cap, it was a cork - classy! I pulled out the cork, and... I've done this before - poured bottles out for myself or for someone I'm helping, and there's always this one little point, this hesitation, where the decision, or the final answer is made... Do I drink it or do I pour it out; could go either way. And I chose to pour that whiskey out onto the ground. When the bottle was empty, I flung it back in the grass, and continued on my way.

I spoke with my recovery coach a few hours later and related the experience to him. He asked if I felt good for doing that, and I told him that I did. It was a good feeling making the better choice. And we talked a little more about it, and I talked about possibly disappointing the person who bought the bottle in the first place. But he said I did the right thing, because by physically pouring it out, I got it out of my mind. We also realized that I might have saved some kid from a bad day or a bad life by removing this opportunity to use alcohol; who knows.

I'm grateful for this experience, and experiences like them. They remind me that I still need to be mindful on my daily journey. Triggers, urges, cravings happen to anybody who stops using a substance to which they are addicted, and there is no shame in having them. Addiction is tied into the part of our brains that ensure our survival, so automatically desiring something we were addicted to when triggered is not at all unusual. As a recovering person, I need to remember to not always believe everything I think. If I do, I can lead myself into some very destructive behavior.

Urges and triggers are just thoughts; however, they're thoughts that affect the pleasure center of our brain, and they can turn into physical cravings or obsessions. It's important to deal with them before they become out of control. I dealt with this one by taking action opposite to my desire (pouring it out), and talking with someone who understands (honesty). By dealing with this situation in a skillful way, I'm able to move past it and relate the story as an incident that happened yesterday. Had I dealt with this unskillfully, it'd be a pretty good bet that today would have been much, much different, and that bottle, or at least the consequences from drinking it, would still be with me. I'm grateful for the tools to stay sober, and I'm even more grateful when I actually use them.

Thank you for reading. I hope this piece has shed some light for you on alcoholism. Please share this with others if you think it would help.

Namasté,

Ken

No Whining! (Being Grateful)

I generally ride the bus to and from work. My schedule is such that I get off work at 10:00pm, and I have about 12 minutes to catch the last bus going my way. Up until last night, I've made the bus every day.

Last night at work I got a call at my workstation at 9:58pm. I saw that the call was going to be longer than just a couple of minutes, so I was hoping that I could still make the bus anyway. I patiently and kindly took the customer's order, and realized about halfway through that I wasn't going to be riding the bus home. When I was through with the call, I logged off, punched out, and said goodnight to my coworker.

It's a 3 mile walk home from work, and my first thought was, "Well, this sucks." It was chilly, windy and raining lightly - not my favorite weather. As I began my walk, I started looking for someone to blame. There weren't a lot of targets - I couldn't really be mad at the caller. I could have passed the call on to somebody else, but I didn't feel that was right, for either the customer or for any of my coworkers. I decided that walking home in the rain was my doing, because last year my driver's license was revoked because I earned a DUI and I sold my car. 

Fortunately, I avoided going into self-pity/I'm going to give up mode. I began to count my blessings in this scenario:

• I had proper clothing for the weather - I was warm and cozy, despite the cold wind and rain.
• It's not a hardship for me to walk 3 miles, so
• I'm grateful for my legs.
• I'm grateful for my heart.
• I'm grateful for my lungs.
• I'm grateful for my overall good health.
• I'm grateful the wind is at my back (that was a nice bonus, as usually the wind would have been in my face, and last night it wasn't).
• I'm grateful I live in an area where it's relatively safe for me to walk at night.
• I had forgotten my earphones (that sucked, too), so I'm grateful I was able to direct my thinking into gratitude and do constructive thinking on the way home.
• I'm grateful I was walking in the city rather than the country - I felt more secure.

And on it went. I made it home safely and in a good mood.

Gratitude doesn't prevent sucky situations, but what it did for me last night was allow me to go through the situation without going into blaming, self-recrimination, or worse, self-pity, which leads to depression and resentment. Gratitude allows me to see that I am richly blessed when I look at my situation from a different angle.

Moreover, a consistent practice of gratitude allows me to maintain a higher vibration throughout my days. I am better able to see the good around me and in me. 

What I focus on grows. When I focus on the negative, I have more negative on which to focus. I'm living in it. When I put gratitude lenses in my glasses, my blessings grow, and the negative diminishes.

Namasté,

Ken

A New Chapter

"...I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference."
- The Road Not Taken, Robert Frost

A blank page. That's what is in front of me, and that's good news, since I can write whatever I want to write on it. It's a difficult concept to grasp, however - the fact that each and every day we have the choice to create whatever kind of day we choose.

Humans, at least American humans, get so hell-bent on obtaining a false sense of security. Living free is scary, so let's find the proper mate, the proper job, the proper home, and the proper insurance policy so that we can live out our lives as absolutely comfortably as possible. Life, however, has a tendency to throw a wrench in our works - a diagnosis, a new invention that makes our profession obsolete, a tornado or hurricane, or any number of 'unforeseen circumstances' can turn our comfortable, secure, serene world upside down. What then?

Time for a new chapter.

I'm fortunate that no man-made or natural disaster can match the catastrophes I create for myself. I'm currently homeless again, and it's not that I didn't see that train coming down the tracks. I have been unable, since October, 2018, of bringing myself to securing a regular source of income (getting a job), so it was just a matter of time, and the time was March 10th. Fortunately, this homeless gig isn't a new thing for me, and I haven't lost all my material possessions. I do believe this homelessness will motivate me more toward getting another job (in other words, it's not the market, it's me). I've also got more people supporting me than I've ever had before, and that counts for a lot. There are many who experience homelessness without having any moral support to help them through it. I've been there, and that sucks. I've got people to turn to, and even ways to make make a little cash until I get 'back on my feet'. (Where am I now, on my ass?)

Besides graduating high school and getting married twice, I've yet to, in this lifetime, start new chapters without creating some sort of catastrophe. It's not that catastrophes bother me much anymore; however, now that I'm no longer going through life alone, my catastrophes affect the people who love and care for me, and that bothers me. So, it behooves me to get this worked out as quickly as I can so I'm not stressing out my loved ones. I'd like to learn how to start new chapters more gracefully.

When I look at life as a series of catastrophes, it is a series of catastrophes. When I look at life as an adventure, filled with situations that test what I'm made of and stretch my self-made boundaries, then that is what life becomes. Everything is how I look at it. Last night was my first night in the shelter, and I was surprised at how accepting I was. Because it's still kind of cold, the shelter is overflowing, and a dozen or so of us ended up sleeping on army cots next to each other in the open spaces. Not fun, but it was ok, and I was grateful to be indoors. It's still a good motivator for me to do what I can do to become a bit more stable. I'd love to retire, but I'm not at that age yet, so I guess I'll work for a few more years.

As far as the mental health and sobriety goes, that always will be a daily process, and that's where my blank page starts - what am I going to do today to enhance my recovery? For without my recovery, I've got nothing. I'd be on the streets.

So I will continue to post about what I find along the way as I make this journey. Until then...

Namasté,

Ken

Morning Manifesto 1/10

Thank You Source for another day to move closer to a true realization of my Oneness with You. As I move through this day, I commit to be of service to You and my fellows here on Earth. Thank You for granting me all I need and more to do Your will today.

As I move through today, show me what I need to do for myself to make me of maximum service to You and others. Grant me the courage to put You and me first - to treat my body and mind as a temple, and to nourish my Spirit with prayer and meditation. Show me how to be strong and steadfast in Your service.

Remind me today to look past appearances, and, like Mother Teresa, to look for you in all who come into my presence and my consciousness, knowing that You really are there. Also, teach me today what a precious bit of Creation I really am, despite what my brain might say to me. Let me grow this day into the realization that I am Your Beloved, and guide me every moment toward this realization.

I trust in You with all my heart, and lean not on my own understanding. I acknowledge You in all situations, knowing you guide me on my path. (Proverbs 3:5-6)

Today, through Your Love, strength, courage, and wisdom, I, like Winston Churchill, will never, never, never give up!

And so it is!

Namasté,

Ken

11 Signs of Enlightenment

Thanks to Source working through Facebook, I ran across a blog post by Matthew Ferry, and I liked his material so much that I posted a link to his blog on my links page. (By the way, check out my links page sometime). Matthew posted his 11 signs of enlightenment, and I've posted them below - slightly revised: He wrote it in third person, and I changed it to first person so that it becomes an affirmation. Another 'by the way': I will contact him and ask him permission to publish this.

Here are 11 tell-tale signs you are experiencing enlightenment in day-to-day life (revised): credit https://blog.matthewferry.com/11-tell-tale-signs-experiencing-enlightenment-day-day-life/

• I am happy because I exist and it is my natural state. Circumstances are no longer the source of my happiness.
• I am at peace with the way things are and eager for whatever is next.
• I have begun to see that people are innately innocent and that their selfish actions are a natural result of survival programming.
• I acknowledge that we are all just doing the best we can in a world that is mysterious and challenging.
• I am inexplicably driven to forgive everyone for everything.
• I take steps to release the illusion that I can control anything.
• I experience the freedom of knowing that my opinion and perspective are not important, valuable, or needed and the world goes on with or without my commentary, opinion, insights, observations, or point of view.
• I am beginning to acknowledge that the world is an expression of my perspective and programs developed through familial, cultural, religious and geographical influences that I had no choice in.
• I am starting to see that the only thing I am against is my perspective about what I am experiencing in the world.
• I [am starting] to lose my urgency. Nothing feels very important. I feel compelled to do the things that I enjoy.
• My stress begins to disappear. When it returns, I might find it interesting rather than urgent and distracting.

Thank you Matthew. As I've written before, my recovery began the moment I was truly done with living life as I knew it. Now, at that point, one either changes or one dies. I'm grateful that I began to change. I'm grateful today for my wholesale dissatisfaction with life as I used to see it, and I'm grateful to be moving into a perspective that works for me. 

The very neat thing about these 11 Signs is that I can use them as a guide to note my progress. There is nothing listed above that's about perfection, and nobody on the Earth plane lives in perfection. We embody perfection, but we don't live perfectly. Enlightenment, to me, is simply learning to live life from the inside out - to endeavor each moment to live from the perfection that resides within, rather than reacting to the circumstances that surround me (which are really only the result of me and others living imperfectly).

My path toward Enlightenment consists of mindfulness, meditation, prayer, and practice - I practice being how I want to show up today. Because of this, I no longer have much use for protecting myself (my ego) nor worrying about if I'm going to get what I need. I know that I am already abundantly equipped to make this journey. 

I used to live each day with the goal of just getting through the day - surviving without too much hurt, or, if I was hurt, blocking the pain with alcohol, drugs, and other addictive behavior. It is a depressing way to live. Today my purpose is to enjoy life and to be a blessing to those around me. It's not always easy, but it's a lot simpler than reacting to circumstances. 

I am grateful today for the privilege of being on this journey.

Namasté,

Ken