I've met some people that do not have the self-destruct switch. Killing themselves or using alcohol and other drugs in an effort to stop the pain of living does not occur to them. They love life, no matter what. (I wonder if researchers have studied their brains to see what's right with them?) I'm obviously not one of those people. I think I was born with a bad attitude, and, as life bore on, my outlook got more and more negative. Today I experience miracles in my life of which (I think) most people wouldn't even be aware - miracles like "I got through an entire day without thinking, "This is all bullshit." What is a miracle to me never crosses another's mind. Oh well, gotta deal with me, not other people, ultimately.
I have had moments lately where I have asked the question, "Why am I doing this? Why live?" It's really hard to admit that, but it is the truth. (Another couple of miracles here - the moments have been only moments, not entire weeks or months, and I'm admitting it.) Sometimes outer stuff affects me. I take a look around my world, and I don't understand it. Behavior that appalls me. People who seem as dense as granite yet (seemingly) breeze through life. The incomprehensible pain that some folks go through. How human beings treat each other. Yeah, stuff like that leads me to ask things like, "If there's no hope for humanity, why bother?" I had a few of those moments today.
Yes, Virginia, sometimes I fake it 'til I make it. There are a couple of reasons for this: One, it's impossible to get to happy if I'm always frowning - if I smile when I don't feel like smiling, I at least have a chance of getting there; two, it's not my place to piss on anyone else's parade. Would I love to stand on top of a very tall soapbox and scream to the entire world just exactly what is wrong with it? Oh, you betcha. However, I'm told that, in those moments, I'm not sane, and, if the world is as I think it is sometimes, telling it how f#$%ed up it is wouldn't have much of an effect. I might feel better, though...
Have you ever said something that you wished you hadn't? If you've got a mouth and vocal cords, you probably have. About four years ago, I was sitting in the locked ward of a hospital in another county, and I said, "I'm here to show the miracle-working power of God," and in that moment I knew I was screwed. God loves a volunteer. You see, a miracle can't happen if there's nothing to overcome. Jesus didn't perform miracles on healthy people livin' the good life. Jesus performed miracles on people who really needed assistance overcoming their own humanity. The miracles that are ascribed to Jesus all seem to have happened in an instant. Well, time is relative, and perhaps in 50 years all the miracles I've had will seem like they occurred in an instant. Right now, they're not. Sometimes, I feel every painful nanosecond. But whatever, right?
I think I mentioned in the last post one of the reasons I endeavor to stay alive - I have a really strong belief that this lifetime isn't my final shot, and ending it prematurely won't alleviate me of any upcoming lessons. This lifetime, next lifetime - I'm at the (sometimes painful) point where I'm willing to take care of this stuff right here and now. And I'll give you an example of something I chose to not face: My father passed away a few years ago, and I chose to not try too hard to patch up our relationship while he was still living, even though I know that it'll be coming around in the next lifetime in a different form. I now regret not trying very hard. All I did do, really, was to take care of his needs in the present. I was still filled with much anger and resentment, though I rarely showed it to him. It seemed easier to do that than to try to do any healing.
There's other reasons to stay alive - I finally, finally believe that my thinking is not always right. Sometimes I assume things that are painful to me, yet they have nothing whatsoever to do with reality. The pain is still real, however. And there are times when I can look at the same thing in a multitude of ways. This is one of the benefits of the cognitive behavioral therapy I've been learning and practicing the past couple of years. So I know that, in any given moment, my reality may not really be reality. There's another miracle right there - that I can successfully pass through a day without knowing what's real and what's not (I just don't react to the stuff that's questionable). And then there's the fact that I don't know how much importance to place on events. Another for instance: have you ever been raging mad at your computer or phone for taking its time? No, of course not. Well, I have, and I'm grateful for the understanding that it's not so important that I should go about smashing my electronic devices with a hammer. This too, shall pass, and I have bigger chickens to fry.
Then there's my spiritual beliefs, which I continue to work on making them stronger and stronger in my life:
There is only one God (Source, Universe, Creator, whatever, It doesn't care what you call It) and It is Good and Supports Life. The only devil in the world is between my ears, and it only has as much power as I give it. Therefore, giving in to the shit storm in my brain would be giving in to the devil, which is really non-existent in the first place. Doh! The God of my understanding not only didn't, but couldn't create a universe that doesn't make sense, so to think that being a human, I'm on a sinking ship, and I might as well jump into the icy waters now rather than later is incorrect thinking. And, I am coming more and more to believe that the world, or my reality, is really created by me, and that I have the means available to day by day, moment by moment, create a reality that is a little more palatable.
Then there's my faith, which is different than my spiritual beliefs. My faith is my action. What am I doing to make my beliefs reality? I've been working the heck out of my spiritual tools (they're no longer in mint condition from sitting on the shelf for years). I put these beliefs into practice, and I see the results, which increases my faith. It's a vicious spiral upwards.
So yes, I'll continue bothering. And, I think I've accomplished something here - I think I've touched upon how messed up in the head I can be while still remaining positive. Life has to be worth living. And it is. Even with the dark moments, the frustrations, the doubts, life is worth living - if I persevere, and don't go it alone.
If you've read this far, God bless you - you're a trooper for even venturing out toward my neighborhood. In any event, I feel a lot better after writing this than before.
Namaste,
Ken
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