Connections are meaningful to me. I'm not talking about electrical connections, although having sound electrical connections is very important. I'm talking about connections with other human beings. I get the feeling that knowing and cultivating my connection with others and the Universe may be the single most important thing I have to do in this life; however, it's still a very scary thing for me. Important, desired, yet scary.
Early on in life, I adopted the belief that I should walk through life mostly alone. And then I created situations which supported that belief. (That's what humans do - we get an idea about the way things are, and then we set out for the rest of our lives to prove ourselves right). I tried to connect with people I couldn't trust. Or people with whom I connected had the audacity to die, or leave. I found it easier and less painful to not connect. I put shields up around me - very effective shields. I became self-centered, self-absorbed, self-obsessed. The only people important in my life were those that I felt had a contribution to make to my safety and security.
Now, a person can become successful at that. A person can make it through their entire lives doing what they need to do to ensure that their physical survival needs are met, and nothing more. I know people who have done that. I don't believe anymore that that is the way I want to live. It's not inwardly fulfilling or rewarding for me. It's not what I'm here for - to be just another animal roaming the surface of the earth living out my life expectancy.
I actually really began recovery - total recovery - about 4 years ago when I accepted that I wouldn't be able to stop drinking/stay alive if I didn't let people into my life and get to know the real me. If I felt that this lifetime was a one-shot deal, I probably wouldn't care so much. I believe that there are different levels of existence, and that the 'stuff' I have to face, I have to face - if not now, sometime further down the road. It's been a great life so far 😕, but I have no desire to repeat it.
As I've mentioned once or twice before, an amazing thing happened when I began allowing people to get to know the real me, warts and all - people began to show up in my life who were real and genuine and genuinely care for me. I've always had good people in my life - I never knew where they came from, or why they were there - but now I've got even more and I appreciate them. I have connections!
Alcoholism, addiction, and mental illness destroy connections. The drug takes the place of the connection. The mental health condition overshadows the connection. Alcoholism and depression are very lonely, painful places. I've heard many people describe that feeling of being all alone in a crowded room, and I've experienced that feeling myself. I prefer to feel lonely when I'm alone - it's slightly less painful. Often, when people start in recovery, their loneliness - lack of connection - vanishes. For others, like me, removing the alcohol or the symptoms of my mental health condition make the loneliness more acute.
I think that very early in my life my trust in people was betrayed. I don't have a specific memory of this, but, after doing the math, it makes sense. So, when I think about friendship and connection and all that mushy stuff, I feel icky. It's scary. I don't want to be hurt. I don't want to be wrong. I don't want to feel that pain. I don't ever want to give someone enough reason or ammunition to attack me. That's the way I feel. However, I know this feeling is not conducive to recovery, and, today, I have some faith in the Process, so I am willing to allow these connections to develop. It really is creating a new reality for me.
Using various methods, I've endeavored to avoid pain my entire life. As a result, I've experienced much suffering. I don't want to suffer anymore, so I'm more willing to experience the pain that living sometimes hands out. Human relationships are not easy. Conflict is what makes us grow, and we can grow together or grow apart. I have a little idea on how to be a true, good friend, but I know for sure what doesn't work. So, bit by bit, day by day, I face my fear, set it aside, and allow these connections to happen. I don't really seek them out, but the way my life is now, I can't avoid them.
We are all connected. We are One. We rarely know this, but it is the Truth. There is no Other. But we pretend there is, because it's easier to label someone as different or evil and ignore them (or even kill them) than it is to seek to understand them. The way to realize our connection with others is to learn to trust ourselves, and then to seek to really understand others, one person at a time.
Namaste,
Ken
No comments:
Post a Comment