In 1996 I ran across a piece by the author Marianne Williamson that said something along the lines of "I deserve to be here simply because I am." I was in prison in Ellsworth, Kansas, at the time, and this idea was news to me. I didn't believe it then, but that was a seed planted in my head that would begin to germinate nearly 20 years later. My belief at the time was I had to prove myself every minute of every day to be deserving of anything, including life. Obviously, I failed daily.
Having been homeless, and having been in prison, I know from experience what it's like to be 'invisible'. I may write about the homeless experience more in-depth at some point, because it's very difficult to describe what it's like and what it feels like in one paragraph. Suffice it to say it's like being a non-person - I'm there, I know I exist, but I really can't participate in anything. I can hang out in parks - hanging out in parks is great when one has a full-time job and goes to the park after work or on the weekends to chill and relax. When one is homeless, hanging out in the parks is not fun - it's a necessity, because hanging out anywhere else (besides the library) will earn you a loitering ticket, unless you're in a big city, in which case it's ok to hang out in the crappy parts of the city that nobody cares about anymore.
The last time I was released from prison was April of 2002 - yay! At that time, all I had on me were the clothes on my back, a prison ID, and an expired ID from Kansas (where I resided before being escorted to Wisconsin to serve time for an auto theft I committed in 1994 and had never fulfilled my obligation to the state of Wisconsin). Phew! Life is so much simpler now that I'm a lot better at taking care of my responsibilities. Anyway, I get out of prison, and, fortunately, I had a couple things going for me - I had a temporary place to live, courtesy of WI DOC, and I was starting university in September. But the point here is that between April and September I needed to get legitimate - I needed a state ID , a temporary job, and my own place to live. I was able to acquire all of that, but I distinctly remember acquiring my Wisconsin Identification - or, I should say, I distinctly remember the feeling I felt when I could pull a valid ID out of my pocket and say, "This is me! I belong!"
I have always placed conditions on my legitimacy - my deservedness of being here if you will. It's gotten a lot better, but I know that a lot of my present ok-ness still comes from being employed, being housed, and having an identity. If, in one day, I lost my jobs, my home, all my FB and fleshy friends, my girlfriend, my car, my bicycle - if I lost everything in one day, would I still feel legitimate? Deserving of life? My guess is, unfortunately, probably not. My being is still conditional.
My girlfriend and have plans to go to Japan later this year. I've never been off of the North American continent. In order to go to Japan, I need a passport. More importantly, possibly, is I need a passport to regain legal entry into the United States when I'm done in Japan. A passport says I am who I say I am and I am a citizen of the United States. I applied for my passport yesterday, and I found it both anxiety producing and exhilarating. In order to submit my application for a passport, I had to gather information and documents that 'prove' who I am and that I am a citizen of the United States. I found the process to be rather silly, because my fingerprints and my DNA are on record. If my dead, naked body were found today, say, in Albuquerque, it wouldn't take that long for authorities to figure out who I used to be. So, gathering up all this documentation (which can be manufactured, by the way) seemed a bit silly to me since there's a much easier way to say, "This guy is Ken." But oh well.
The important part here is that one of the feelings I got from applying for my passport was a greater feeling of legitimacy. Now, I'm not only legitimate in the state of Wisconsin (provable by my valid Wisconsin Driver's License), but I'm going to be legitimate in the entire world! I really am somebody now!
Now, this is a perfectly reasonable human response, and I'm certainly not going to get down on myself for it; however, I aspire to something better.
I realized 5 years ago that there's not enough on Earth to satisfy this human - there's not enough booze, certainly, but there's also not enough approval, acclaim, or achievement to satisfy this guy. When I get my passport, I probably won't be finally ok. Having a passport doesn't guarantee that I won't ever feel like a useless, non-deserving-of-life piece of shit again.
Additionally, I work with people who are often at a low point in their lives - I work with people suffering from addictions, mental health conditions, and homelessness. I endeavor to view everybody with whom I work deserving of the very best I have, simply because they are. If I start making exceptions, it'll create a domino effect. This is perhaps one of the few absolutes that I have - you are, therefore your life if worthy, your existence is important. It doesn't matter where you've been, what you've done, what you haven't done, who your parents were or weren't, what country, religion, or body you were born into. Your existence, your life, is important - period.
To honor that in others I need to honor that in myself, and vice versa.
It goes back to the really trite saying of the 70's that I really hate - "God made me, and God don't make no junk!" Same concept, it's just that that line really bugs me. But I am. You are. We're here. We deserve each other's respect, love, compassion, and empathy - title or no title, record or no record. The Universe doesn't issue passports - countries do. The Universe doesn't confer degrees upon people - universities do. And I'm not discounting achievement - I'm only putting it in it's proper place.
I no longer want to bring into my experience the shame of being, because that shame isn't given to me by God or the Universe - it's given to me by a limited mind, and I can transcend that limited mind. The possibilities for existence are endless and infinite, if I continue to learn what is man-made and what comes purely from Source.
Namasté
Ken
No comments:
Post a Comment