A Part of Me (Sarah Blondin)

I was presented with this meditation experience last year some time, and was profoundly moved by it, so much so that I wanted to share it on my blog. I listened again this morning, and again was profoundly moved. This meditation is by Sarah Blondin, and is titled, "Healing Through Letting Go." Sarah's meditations, insights, and courses can be found on the app called Insight Timer, and can be accessed without charge (the meditations, anyway). 

The following is a transcription of Sarah Blondin's "Eyes Wide Open":

A part of me wants to keep my eyes closed, and pull the covers over my head - block out the light trying to be turned on in my room.

A part of me wants to stay right where I am, and wants not anyone, or anything, to jostle me, ask me questions, push me forward.

A part of me wants to hide in my anger and fear, in my stale beliefs, with my pointing fingers, my victimhood, my righteousness, and wants to defend why life is not easy.

A part of me wants to tell the world I have been hurt too many times to move ahead.

A part of me wants to justify how my pain has left me frozen, petrified, and unable to let go.

A part of me is so afraid to look at what is hurting me, that it would rather escape, than face it.

A part of me is so afraid to open my eyes because the very nature of waking up is to be aware, to be accountable, to be responsible for the healing of my life, and knows I will need to take on the task of loving myself until full.

A part of me is so afraid to look and to see because it knows the fingers I have been pointing will be pointing back at me, the angry eyes I have been looking out at the world with are my eyes, my responsibility.

A part of me knows that when caught in anger and pain, I will have to ask myself, "Is this really worth my misery? Is the price I am paying worth my One Precious Life?"

A part of me is afraid to see because it knows that in seeing, I will be asked to let go, and that in letting go I will be asked to be reborn, and that in being reborn, I will have to uncover Who I Truly Am.

A part of me knows that once I begin to see, I will never be able to unsee again; that in waking, I will begin the sometimes scary process of perpetually moving forward, the process of stretching and growing, and then stretching and growing again.

But another Part of Me knows in every ounce and inch of its being that I am serving no one, not one single life by staying asleep.

A Part of Me is beckoning me to move up and out from all of the places of ungrowth, the dark rooms of stagnant air.

A part of me is being propelled up and out into this Great Wilderness and asking to discover the power hidden in the creases of My skin, resting on the tips of My eyelashes, traveling in the veins that surge through Me.

A part of Me is not afraid to look Who longs to see, Who longs to live in My Freedom, Who is calling me into the wide expanse of My Being.

A Part of Me knows of My Source, knows of My Magnitude, knows of My Duty, My Call, to stop choosing to stay asleep; to follow my pain until I realize there is nothing more for me to do with it but lay it down.

A part of Me knows this, and calls to me in all of my discontent, and gently shows me signs of Life on the other side; shows me the Gift of rising up and out from the bed I have made on the ground.

Close your eyes now (meditation)

Arrive in your body; notice your arms, your legs, your ankles, your feet. Breathe deeply, and feel it between your shoulder blades. Arrive here with Yourself. 

Can you hear the small voice inside of you, that has been telling you there is more to this Life than what you have been choosing?

Can you hear the small voice inside of you, that has been gently guiding you to your Heart all along?

Can you hear the small voice inside that is telling you, "When you are ready, you are welcome to join Me in the Truth of Your Great Beauty?"

It is here, if you listen closely. 

Behind the dense hurt and bondage lives another Part of You, standing tall, feet strongly planted in the earth, palms turned to face the sky, earth rejoicing around Its Feet, Heart loud, clear, resolute; Eyes wide open.

There, inside of you, a wondrous Part of You is calling you to step into the land of Your great, unbounding Potential, Freedom, and Abundance. 

Any change or Forgiveness you have experienced in your life was not because someone else made you let go; it was because You chose to. The Power is Yours. The Choice is Yours.

Do not worry yourself too much with how to Live from this Self; do not worry yourself too much with how to release your pain; do not worry yourself with the practical side of this, for there is an Intelligence Living within You that has guided you to this very moment, hearing these very words.

It is helping us open our eyes, and is guiding us here always - to this Heart, to our Wholeness. Guidance comes in many forms and faces. 

So do not worry yourself too much with how You will ultimately arrive at Your Freedom, for it is the work of magic and miracle. 

All you must worry yourself with is listening intently for the part of You that is not interested in staying in suffering any longer. 

All you must worry yourself with, Dear One, is listening intently for the part of You that already knows what you must do to arrive at the door of Your Awakening. 

You are longing to be more Alive, You are longing to be fully present to Your One Precious Life. You are not afraid. You are ready, Dear One, to be accountable, to be wholly responsible for Your Life. 

Life Itself is Pure of Being, empty of suffering. 

Life Itself is Free from anger and fear. 

Life is here for Us to live in wonder of, and to open Our Eyes to Our Ability to let go of all that hurts in order to find our Liberation; to drop the notion that we are owed anything from this Life, and realize that instead, We owe It to Ourselves.

A Part of You Knows this as Truth; a Part of You can hear a deep and resounding Yes! to the pulling of the covers off from over your head, because it knows Your Life - Your One Precious Life - is so worth it!

Thank you for allowing me to share this with you. It is my deepest wish that We All wake up to Who We Really Are, by whichever paths get us there.

Namasté, 

Ken

 

Freely Giving and Receiving in Recovery

I have mentioned it before, and I'll mention it again and again and again - addiction and depression are self-centered dis-eases. I become concerned mainly with how I am feeling and what I can do to make myself feel better. If I'm thinking of you, it's probably about what I think you can do to help me feel better.

Ceasing using alcohol or other drugs does not relieve me of my self-centeredness. Taking medication for my mental health condition will not relieve me of my selfishness. And the kicker is that if I do not get rid of my obsessive concern for self, I will not stay long in recovery. If I remain in a self-centered state for very long, no matter how well I'm doing otherwise, I will enter into a state of self-pity, and possibly resentment, and that's just one step away from physically relapsing (returning to use of alcohol or drugs).

So if I want to stay in recovery, I must become willing to learn what my obsession with self looks like (how it shows up) as well as learning what steps I can take to reduce this symptom of my dis-ease. The bad news and the good news is that I can't do this alone. I can't unwrap myself from myself all by myself.

So what's a person to do? I can start in a few ways: I can pray to my Higher Power that I be relieved of this fatal obsession with self; I can seek out others who are on the same path (recovery meetings and support groups); or I can do both. I can just about guarantee that if I pray and remain open to the answer, I'll be led to people who can help me in my endeavor.

Speaking of which, now might be a good time to bring up an interesting paradox: in doing this, my main focus is still on me; it just changes from 'how am I feeling' to 'what am I doing?' There is one codicil - I must give up my expectations. An expectation is, 'If I do a, then b will happen (to me or for me).' Expectations are ego-driven, self-serving, and ultimately bad for my serenity and mental health, because there is no way that my expectations are going to be met all the time. The problem is that if I have an expectation, and, by some miracle of the Universe it gets met by my actions, then I expect (another expectation!) that the next time it will happen again. Often it doesn't work that way, and my little me, my ego, tends to become disappointed and pouts, which leads to self-pity and probably resentment and most likely depression and there I am in the depths of my dis-ease. That really is the way it works.

What I'm talking about here is learning to freely give of myself. If you're a fan of the Bible, you'll know that Jesus suggests we 'freely give and freely receive'. What does that mean? It means I learn to give of myself without reservation, building my faith that I live in a giving and supportive Universe - that whatever I give freely and without expectation will return to me, probably in excess of what I gave. We live in an abundant, giving Universe, but the ego, which is built out of fear, does not believe that. My ego believes that I must take or I'm not going to get. I can get as sneaky and manipulative as I want about the way in which I take, but ultimately, the longer I live with this mindset, the poorer I'll be. 

Our human society teaches us just the opposite. Capitalism teaches us that we aren't enough and we can never have enough - that we must always strive for more, more, more, and it puts us in competition with others, meaning that in order for me to win, somebody must lose. This is in direct conflict with giving and receiving freely. This doesn't mean that I can't live in this society, it just means I need to stay awake to what I'm doing and to what or who is informing my choices.

So doing this, becoming a giver without expectations, is a challenge for any human being, and an even greater challenge for a person living with a substance use or mental health disorder.

Ok, let's get back to the mechanics of how this actually works. I mentioned earlier that I require the support and cooperation of others in this endeavor. Where do I find these others? Support and mutual aid groups. Groups of people who are also interested in recovery. The really cool thing is that when groups of like minded people get together, great things can happen. So I look for support, but here's the twist - before I go into a recovery meeting or a support group, I pray that I may be a blessing and be blessed. Why? My experience has been that if I go into a situation expecting to receive a certain thing or see a certain person, there's at least a 50/50 chance that I'll be disappointed. However, when I release that expectation and go into a situation seeing what I can give, I always receive something in return - some understanding, a new friendship, a nugget of wisdom, some peace of mind, etc. I've placed myself physically in a good place and mentally and spiritually in a place of reception. 

The question naturally arises, "But what do I have to give?" I've found, by practicing this mental mindset, that I have a lot more to give than I believe I do. There is always going to be someone who could use something I have to give.

I can take this attitude anywhere I go - work, social situations, in the supermarket! When I'm waiting in a long line with my basket full of goodies and I finally arrive at the checkout, I can give the underpaid and underappreciated cashier a smile, a kind word, or at least not give him/her a hard time because I'm impatient. 

I have intentionally not given very specific instructions on how to reach this giving mindset - you must do this, this, this, and that in order to achieve this - for two reasons: first, it sets up and expectation, which we know are good to avoid, and second, the way each person gives and receives looks different.

Living with this spiritual/mental mindset, which concentrates on the process rather than the results (leaving the results up to the Universe) relieves me of having to figure out ways to make myself feel better because living this way gives me peace and confidence, and strengthens my faith. The challenge for me is to do it every day. I've been told that it is possible to make this a habit that I don't even have to think about, but I haven't experienced that yet. Besides, I get a little boost when I consciously try to behave like I'm a child of God.

Namasté,

Ken

I Am 'Legitimate'

In 1996 I ran across a piece by the author Marianne Williamson that said something along the lines of "I deserve to be here simply because I am." I was in prison in Ellsworth, Kansas, at the time, and this idea was news to me. I didn't believe it then, but that was a seed planted in my head that would begin to germinate nearly 20 years later. My belief at the time was I had to prove myself every minute of every day  to be deserving of anything, including life. Obviously, I failed daily.

Having been homeless, and having been in prison, I know from experience what it's like to be 'invisible'. I may write about the homeless experience more in-depth at some point, because it's very difficult to describe what it's like and what it feels like in one paragraph. Suffice it to say it's like being a non-person - I'm there, I know I exist, but I really can't participate in anything. I can hang out in parks - hanging out in parks is great when one has a full-time job and goes to the park after work or on the weekends to chill and relax. When one is homeless, hanging out in the parks is not fun - it's a necessity, because hanging out anywhere else (besides the library) will earn you a loitering ticket, unless you're in a big city, in which case it's ok to hang out in the crappy parts of the city that nobody cares about anymore. 

The last time I was released from prison was April of 2002 - yay! At that time, all I had on me were the clothes on my back, a prison ID, and an expired ID from Kansas (where I resided before being escorted to Wisconsin to serve time for an auto theft I committed in 1994 and had never fulfilled my obligation to the state of Wisconsin). Phew! Life is so much simpler now that I'm a lot better at taking care of my responsibilities. Anyway, I get out of prison, and, fortunately, I had a couple things going for me - I had a temporary place to live, courtesy of WI DOC, and I was starting university in September. But the point here is that between April and September I needed to get legitimate - I needed a state ID , a temporary job, and my own place to live. I was able to acquire all of that, but I distinctly remember acquiring my Wisconsin Identification - or, I should say, I distinctly remember the feeling I felt when I could pull a valid ID out of my pocket and say, "This is me! I belong!"

I have always placed conditions on my legitimacy - my deservedness of being here if you will. It's gotten a lot better, but I know that a lot of my present ok-ness still comes from being employed, being housed, and having an identity. If, in one day, I lost my jobs, my home, all my FB and fleshy friends, my girlfriend, my car, my bicycle - if I lost everything in one day, would I still feel legitimate? Deserving of life? My guess is, unfortunately, probably not. My being is still conditional.

My girlfriend and have plans to go to Japan later this year. I've never been off of the North American continent. In order to go to Japan, I need a passport. More importantly, possibly, is I need a passport to regain legal entry into the United States when I'm done in Japan. A passport says I am who I say I am and I am a citizen of the United States. I applied for my passport yesterday, and I found it both anxiety producing and exhilarating. In order to submit my application for a passport, I had to gather information and documents that 'prove' who I am and that I am a citizen of the United States. I found the process to be rather silly, because my fingerprints and my DNA are on record. If my dead, naked body were found today, say, in Albuquerque, it wouldn't take that long for authorities to figure out who I used to be. So, gathering up all this documentation (which can be manufactured, by the way) seemed a bit silly to me since there's a much easier way to say, "This guy is Ken." But oh well.

The important part here is that one of the feelings I got from applying for my passport was a greater feeling of legitimacy. Now, I'm not only legitimate in the state of Wisconsin (provable by my valid Wisconsin Driver's License), but I'm going to be legitimate in the entire world! I really am somebody now!

Now, this is a perfectly reasonable human response, and I'm certainly not going to get down on myself for it; however, I aspire to something better.

I realized 5 years ago that there's not enough on Earth to satisfy this human - there's not enough booze, certainly, but there's also not enough approval, acclaim, or achievement to satisfy this guy. When I get my passport, I probably won't be finally ok. Having a passport doesn't guarantee that I won't ever feel like a useless, non-deserving-of-life piece of shit again. 

Additionally, I work with people who are often at a low point in their lives - I work with people suffering from addictions, mental health conditions, and homelessness. I endeavor to view everybody with whom I work deserving of the very best I have, simply because  they are. If I start making exceptions, it'll create a domino effect. This is perhaps one of the few absolutes that I have - you are, therefore your life if worthy, your existence is important. It doesn't matter where you've been, what you've done, what you haven't done, who your parents were or weren't, what country, religion, or body you were born into. Your existence, your life, is important - period.

To honor that in others I need to honor that in myself, and vice versa.

It goes back to the really trite saying of the 70's that I really hate - "God made me, and God don't make no junk!" Same concept, it's just that that line really bugs me. But I am. You are. We're here. We deserve each other's respect, love, compassion, and empathy - title or no title, record or no record. The Universe doesn't issue passports - countries do. The Universe doesn't confer degrees upon people - universities do. And I'm not discounting achievement - I'm only putting it in it's proper place.

I no longer want to bring into my experience the shame of being, because that shame isn't given to me by God or the Universe - it's given to me by a limited mind, and I can transcend that limited mind. The possibilities for existence are endless and infinite, if I continue to learn what is man-made and what comes purely from Source. 

Namasté

Ken

Trauma Informed Living

I feel compelled to begin this post by mentioning that I am not perfect. For the past few years, I have been endeavoring to live my life using new (to me) ideas that seem better than the old ideas by which I used to live. I have yet to practice to perfection anything about which I write. I have an inner sense of the Truth, that which is Perfect Principle, and once in a while that seems to come out in practice. Most of the time, I am simply feeling my way, day by day, to a better experience of life, and sharing much of that journey in this blog. So there ya have it.

When I re-entered human services as a vocation, I began learning about Trauma Informed Care. It is the latest vogue in helping those in need of help, and it prescribes an attitude and a way of working with others to be more effective and, essentially, more humane. The previous model was more of a medical model, in which we asked, "What's wrong with this person," and "What can we do to fix it?" (or what can we do to make this disagreeable symptom we see go away). In Trauma Informed Care, we recognize that every human being has experienced trauma of one sort or another in their lives, and that maladaptive behavior patterns and coping mechanisms often are derived from these traumas. So, instead of looking at the behavior, we begin to look for what might have caused this behavior to become a coping mechanism for this individual.

Trauma Informed Care is much more of a solution-oriented way of assisting clients, one that involves looking at the whole person, not just the 'presenting problem' or issue. There are 5 guiding principles for practicing Trauma Informed Care - Safety, Trustworthiness & Transparency, Choice, Collaboration and Mutuality, Empowerment. After learning about Trauma Informed Care, I decided it would be good for me to use this model not only with the people I serve, but for everybody with whom I have contact. I also noticed that the principles closely align with spiritual principles that I also practice. In the following paragraphs, I am going to outline how I practice these principles in life.

The first thing for me to understand is that everybody's got something going on. No matter what appearances tell me, every human being has issues they are dealing with, and these issues are no better nor worse than mine. They're just different, and usually hidden. Without this understanding, it's way too easy for me to become judgmental about the well-groomed man in line at the store who is chewing out a clerk for shorting him a dime. There's a lot more going on there than "He's just a privileged, snooty asshole." People who feel pretty good about themselves, no matter their station in life, don't find it necessary to try to make others feel less-than. So, when I see one human being hurting another, or themselves, I do well to understand that the one doing the hurting has been hurt themselves. It's hard to do some days, but this mode of thinking is more conducive to better living than holding the belief that the world is filled with assholes.

The first principle is safety. How safe does the person with whom I'm interacting feel around me? As you might imagine, there are many factors affecting this. There are only two that I have control over - my actions, and my awareness that there are factors affecting the other person's perceptions of which I am probably unaware. Something I understand today of which I used to be totally unaware is that my mere presence as a 55 year-old caucasian male might be threatening to someone else, depending upon their upbringing and previous life experiences. Does this mean I have to interview everybody I meet to determine whether or not they feel I'm a threat? Not at all. What it does mean is that I don't have to add to anybody's issues. If someone is hostile or acts strangely around me, I don't have to take it personally, and I don't have to do anything about it. In fact, if I don't do anything about it, I might be helping their issue by being a contradiction to their outlook that "all old white men are assholes." So the whole thing about safety is letting someone be who they are without feeling threatened or attacked and without feeling the need to defend myself. And, if I am feeling hostile or irritated going into a situation, I do not need to show it, or maybe I don't need to be going into that situation until I'm more grounded.

The next principle is trustworthiness and transparency. In dealing with others, I endeavor to be honest and not hide things. I need to tell the truth, even if it's something that bothers me. I need to refrain from gossip, and to keep what others tell me confidential. I need to do this because everybody in life has been involved with someone who has betrayed their trust, and every person they meet who does it again re-injures that person. I need to be the person someone meets or is friends with who can be trusted. And I need to endeavor to do that all the time with all people. This builds my own self-esteem, and reduces the likelihood that I will hurt someone with my word, my action, or my inaction. Trust and transparency build good relationships, good connections, and good connections are healing connections.

Choice is the next principle. In my professional life, it means that I do not force my will onto another person. Each person with whom I work has the choice to follow suggestions or to not follow them. Of course, choice should be informed, but, ultimately, each individual has the right to make their own choices. The same goes for life. There is nobody in my life upon whom I force my will. Taking people's right of choice away is called oppression and enslavement, and neither one of those is a human right. Additionally, it just doesn't work. I'm grateful that I've never gotten off over having power over another person (real or imagined), but I see around me the effects on those people who feel oppressed by other people or institutions. Nobody has to like me; nobody has to respect me. I earn respect by the way I speak, behave, and carry myself. If I feel disrespected, it's my feeling that I have to deal with. I may wish to speak to the person who I feel has disrespected me, but, in the end, it's my problem, not theirs. I also understand that people make choices in their lives that I might not understand or agree with; however, nobody, absolutely nobody, has to live in a certain way to please me. I can always choose to try to understand why someone makes a certain choice, or, I can let it go. To be very honest, I still have an initial pre-judgment when I meet someone; however, practicing this principle allows me to get past that judgment and discover the person underneath. 

Collaboration and mutuality again is about honoring the rights of the individual, but it's also about more - it's about validating another's feelings, wishes, opinions, and choices. It's about listening. It's about understanding. It's about humility, in that I don't want to take the position that I know better for someone than they do for themselves. It's about understanding that life is a two-way street, and I don't want to be a Hummer going the wrong way. It's about me feeling secure enough in my own being to allow others to express themselves freely. It's about knowing my own Truth, so that others may discover theirs. 

The fifth principle is empowerment. At work, I meet a lot of people who have what we call 'learned helplessness.' Some people get to a point where they really can't do anything on their own. This is not a result of Trauma Informed Care - it's a result of someone having their humanity and individuality stripped away from them because of their illness. I was headed down that road, and I endeavor to help myself and others, whether at work or not, recognize that everyone is powerful. Every human being is born with power, and, through life's lessons, either learns to accept or deny their own power. I can point to most of the lessons I learned that taught me I was a useless waste of oxygen that would be better off dead. It took me a long, long time to understand and accept that my perception is NOT the Truth about me. I don't want anyone to ever feel about themselves the way I felt about myself. I'm learning, and it is a constant lesson, how to help others elevate themselves. Much dis-empowerment is done with good but misguided intention. I mentioned in a post a few months ago that I learned that doing something for someone that they are capable of doing themselves sends the subconscious message of "I'm doing this for you because you can't." Empowering others, rather than being disempowering, takes wisdom, patience and faith.

So, maybe you can see why I like these principles. They really invite connection with and understanding between people. They challenge me to look for the good and the strengths in others. They challenge me to put down some of my long held beliefs, and they sometimes make me feel uncomfortable. I have to possess and practice a certain amount of vulnerability and humility in order to let others be who they truly are. However, my life is vastly more interesting and enriched when I practice the belief that the Universe is expressing itself through each and every one of us and when I allow life to unfold as the Universe sees fit rather than how I see fit. Treating others in a way which is not harmful or belittling to them is one part of this; the bigger part is giving them a space to flourish as they were intended to flourish.

Namasté

Ken

This Is Not A Post About Voting

It is a post about what mental illness feels like sometimes. And, in this case, just mental weirdness, because the thoughts and anxiety did not adversely effect my life, they just made me uncomfortable. But, discomfort is often the precursor of growth, I've found, so maybe I grew a little tonight.

I voted tonight. We had a primary election for state supreme court and municipal judgeship. Not a big deal, perhaps, but it was an ordeal for me! 

I don't know that I've ever voted twice in the same location. I've moved around quite a bit, I suppose. So, I'm in my new location, and I have to find the polling place. I did my research last night, and found it - about 300 feet from where I live. But, I'm anxious. I know I'll have to re-register, or change my address, and something about that - something about being examined - puts me on edge. 

So, I go to vote, and find out it's not my polling place. It 'should' be my polling place, I'm thinking, because it's only 300 feet from where I live! Already I'm anxious, and now I'm getting frustrated. 2 of the ladies there kept asking me my name and address, even after I'd already told them that they wouldn't find it in their books because I was nowhere near my last polling place and apparently nowhere near my current one. A third lady is very helpful, looking up my current address in the master book to help me find the correct polling place. Inside I'm twisting, but on the outside I'm very calm and appreciative. I thank the kind lady and let her know I appreciate her help. (The more frustrated I am, the better I thank people - doing the opposite of what I feel has become a pretty good habit).

I go the whole 300 feet home, and look on my computer to verify the information the nice lady at the polling place gave me. The first website I go to isn't working right, and the other site is lunky and doesn't seem to be user friendly (not this user, anyway, in that moment). I feel like giving up. Again, take a deep breath, and do the opposite. I want to text my landlady because she's a poll worker, and, seeing as she lives below me, she probably knows where I should go. But I don't. I drive to the location (maybe a whole mile away, as the crow flies) to vote.

I did have to re-register, and fill out the government form, and make sure my i's were dotted and t's crossed. Very fortunately, I was at ease again, because my landlady helped me fill out the form. Then things got a bit tense again, as I presented my ID to another lady, and signed the register and got my ballot. I finally voted, and had to ask which way the ballot goes into the machine. Fortunately, it goes in any which way. They know with whom they're dealing. So, that dreadful task is done, but I'm drained because of all of the energy spent on being anxious. But I got through it, and knew that I felt better than if I'd given up and not voted.

I am believing more and more today that every feeling of discomfort - emotional, mental, or physical, has something to tell me. Now, this isn't about getting through a mental health crisis. Nobody needed to be called; I wasn't a risk to myself or others (unless you think I voted for the wrong people). But I got the message that there is something within me that could use some examination (notice I didn't say there's something 'wrong' with me). Here are what I came up with as the possible causes for this little bit of anxiety:

• Fear of rejection, or worse, fear of getting laughed at or yelled at.
• The feeling that I still have that I'm always somehow 'wrong', and this was a brilliant opportunity to let someone point it out to me.
• Closely related, the feeling that I'm somehow 'illegitimate' because of the life I've lived. People like me who have been to prison and/or been homeless feel that way. (By the way, felons in Wisconsin can vote if they are discharged from parole, and I've been off of parole for about 15 years). Vagrancy isn't all that far behind me where I can feel comfortable with who I am doing what I'm doing 100% of the time.
• Hyper-concern for self, which is one of the symptoms of alcoholism, and I think goes hand-in-hand with most mental illness.

So what's a fellow to do? Please note here that I am speaking for myself; I no longer suffer a lot of symptoms, so when I do, it's noteworthy. Some people deal with this stuff day in and day out. But anxiety is anxiety, and if left untreated, leads to worse things, like depression and even return to substance use. 

I know what isn't best for me when I feel this way - it's not in my best interest to medicate the anxiety; it's not in my best interest to run from it; it's not in my best interest to wish I didn't have it and kick myself around for being 'less-than.'

What is best for me to do:

• As I mentioned above, treat it as an opportunity - an opportunity to learn from my mind and my body, and an opportunity to grow, and to gain experience (again, it's not about the voting!).
• Mediate (not medicate) the symptoms so I don't become overwhelmed. I do this by becoming aware, by breathing, and by asking myself "What would happen if...?" I imagine worst case scenarios. I imagine what might happen if I ran away, or if I used. I imagine what might happen if the nice ladies at the polling places laughed at me or yelled at me or treated me rudely. (Which reminds me of my experience in the call center, and I'll let you know that if you are a rude caller or otherwise strange, yes, we do talk about you with each other after the call is over).
• As I am facing or embracing whatever the situation is, try to imagine where the anxiety (the 4-syllable word for 'fear') is coming from.
• During this whole process, and this is very important, I refrain from beating myself up. It's not that I don't want to; that's been my habit for years and years and years. It's just that it does no good whatsoever. Nada. Nothing. Zilch. Again, look at it as a learning experience, an opportunity to connect with my Higher Power, and an opportunity to get stronger and wiser. My thoughts aren't wrong; they're just thoughts. My feelings aren't wrong to have; they're just feelings. It's what I do with them, and today my actions were in-line. If I didn't write and publish this tonight, nobody in the world would know I went through this. It's not a big deal. 
• I congratulate myself for making it through (and in other situations, I've forgiven myself for avoiding), and I thank my Higher Power for the strength and courage to go through it. Then I thank It for the wisdom which will surely come from this experience.

Very few people who live with a mental health condition are mentally ill 100% of the time. We have moments of lucidity. We have moments where we can see clearly what to do. I believe when I have these moments, it is best for me to seize them and use them for all it's worth. Yes, it's very important to vote. For me, however, it's vitally more important that I get over those things within me that would keep me from being of maximum service to the Universe and to my fellow human beings. I get these opportunities all of the time. I've had these opportunities all of my life, but I used to put all of my energies into covering them up or evading them. Today, my good emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual health depends upon me facing and embracing what is mine to face and embrace, and I am extremely grateful for the courage, strength, and willingness to do just that.

Namasté,

Ken

The Calling from Within

Have I written yet of my intense dissatisfaction with life, as I knew it? I think I have. Genetics aside, my experience is that alcoholism and depression stem from an inability to connect with life as it appears. It's an inability to derive pleasure or satisfaction from the activities people around me are enjoying. So the search begins, and the search has taken me to different states and countries, through prison, definitely to different substances, and behaviors. 

The journey has been worthwhile. To the average, standard person, however, my life has been a waste. I've got no credit, no property to speak of, no education, no family - I got nothin'. To me, however, I have an immense encyclopedia about what doesn't work, and I have the experience to back it up. There are those of us on Earth who hear, "Don't do that," or "Just say no," and they say, "No" and then don't do it. I'm not one of those people. I know from my own personal experience that jail and prison is dehumanizing and a terrible waste of life. I know from experience the pain, shame, remorse, and sometimes terror that comes from alcoholism. I know from experience the deep depression that comes from having a fully functional brain and body yet being unable to live life successfully (as we know success). I know from experience what it's like to have hope dashed time and time again by abysmal failure in every area of life. I know from experience the intense loneliness and emotional (and often physical) isolation that those of us who live with addiction and mental illness suffer. I know what it's like to be looked down upon by my own family. What makes all of this worthwhile is that today I'm on the other side of that. What makes it worthwhile is that I can share my experience, and now my strength and hope, with others who have found the same dissatisfaction with how life looks. What really makes it worthwhile is the journey to something deeper and more meaningful.

In the United States, we live in a medicated society. For everything that makes us feel bad, there is something available to numb the bad feeling. And I'm not only talking about alcohol and illegal drugs and pharmaceuticals. There are myriad ways to numb our feelings and quiet our cognitive dissonance - entertainment, sports, sex, patriotism, nationalism, the internet, social media, consumerism, religion, and many many more. Distractions. Distractions from the pain that tugs the soul of humanity. Distractions so we don't have to focus on the fact that we are killing ourselves. If we feel the pain of knowing that we're a nation that can disregard the very lives of our children, there's something to take to numb that pain, or something to do that can distract us. And, for a lot of people, that works.

[Let me mention here that a lot of the things that we use to distract ourselves aren't bad things in and of themselves. In fact, if you follow the creation stories in Genesis, God didn't make anything bad. What is harmful is when we use things in order to avoid looking at ourselves or the Truth]. 

And, for a growing number of people, it doesn't work anymore. There's not a substance or an activity that can blind us to the mass destruction we are wreaking on ourselves. I'm one of those people.

And, the personal deal for me is that I don't necessarily always want to be one of those people. It's a challenge and it's scary. I know what is 'expected' of me by society, and I can live up to those expectations when I'm sane and sober. But those expectations don't do it for me. If I do only what is expected of me by others, my depression gets so deep that I want to self-destruct. 

So my journey is two-fold: One, to become quiet enough to listen to the still small voice within, and two, to overcome the fear and discomfort of being unconventional - of being myself. Neither are easy. Another obstacle is that my first thought always seems to be to look outside of myself for the answers, even though a lifetime of doing that has gotten me to the point of some understanding that the only answers are within.

It's a challenge. I'm not one of those people who seek enlightenment from the mountaintop - I'm one of those souls who seeks to find it in the trenches. And in the trenches, I have to do icky things, like connect with people and live and speak in ways that might be unpopular. However, when I look at life as an adventure, knowing that somewhere along the line I did chose this path, and understand that I'm fully equipped to live it, it is fun and enriching (not depressing). So I lurch along in staggered forward movements, with gratitude for the path that is mine.

Namaste,


Ken

My Only Regret

I know I'm not supposed to have regrets. I really don't have any, but from time to time I wish I had been outwardly rebellious as a child. The inward and sideways rebellion I practiced nearly killed me, and it's taking a long time to recover from that. 

When I reached my teens, I wanted to run away. Too chickenshit, maybe, or not enough self-esteem, or maybe it was just my path to sit in my shit. I hated my home, I hated my parents, I hated (most of) my school. Instead of physically running away, I chose to escape chemically, which, of course, ignited the alcoholism within me. Even if I had stayed where I was, but stood up for myself - but that wasn't to be.

I share this because I know there are others out there who have lived or currently live in situations that feel intolerable. A lot of people I know are so pro-family that they would be loyal to their parents even if they were serial killers. Today I believe that sometimes a person just has to call a turd a turd, walk away, and not look back.

I don't know that life would have been better, or that I would have been better. It would have been different, that's for sure. I feel like I spent way more time than was necessary living my life for others - hoping to gain someone's approval. What nobody told me (or what I never heard) was that most of all I needed to gain my own approval. I need to live my own life - trying to live someone else's version of my life just does not work.

And so I do that today. And, because of my experience, I share whatever wisdom I've gained from living the way I did with others. Because I believe depression stems from oppression (either by self or by others), I encourage others to begin to live from who they really are. I let folks know that they're just fine the way they are right now. I meet a lot of people who are thoroughly disappointed in themselves because they've failed to meet the expectations of someone else. I am going to repeat that:

I meet a lot of people who are thoroughly disappointed in themselves because they've failed to meet the expectations of someone else.

And you know what? It's bullshit! We were not created to fulfill anybody else's purpose except our own. We were not created so that someone else could live vicariously through us. We were not created to atone for someone else's self-perceived shortcomings and mistakes. 

I encourage and support anybody discovering and living to their purpose at any age, but I especially let young people know that they are individuals with a unique set of gifts and talents and their own life to explore. If it happens to mesh with someone else's life, awesome. If not, that's fine, too.

I came into recovery, then, with a double-whammy - first, I felt a lot of shame and guilt because I didn't live up to someone else's expectations of me, and second, I feel the shame and regret from wasting my time on earth trying, instead of exploring who Ken is.

It's not easy to switch gears and begin living to one's own purpose. It's challenging, difficult, and sometimes sad. But it's also real, and it's enriching. If there were some sort of camera that could capture the way I felt about myself and my life 40 years ago and the way I feel today, the difference would be amazing. In my mind I see the dark, timid little creature I was 4 decades ago, and today I see the bright colorful being I'm becoming. It's amazing. And if I don't, even today, live up to the standards of a few people, well, too bad. Save your standards for yourself, not me. I've got my own, thanks.

There, I feel better.

Namaste,

Ken

I Don't Have To Write This

I've known for a while that 'languaging' is very important to my recovery  and my spiritual growth (which are becoming more and more inseparable).  The way in which I use words, the way in which I think, can make a big difference in the way I feel about myself and the world in which I live. This morning, in a flash of insight, I realized that 'Have To' is one of the causes of anxiety.

I'm going to go back now about 50 years. I went to public school kindergarten. The school district had rented out some classrooms in a church for kindergarten. The church and school was situated on one side of the street, and there was a parking lot across the street which was used as a playground during recess. While school was in session, the street was blocked off so there was no traffic between the school and the playground.

Kindergarten is where I received some very formative lessons. The first day of kindergarten, when we went to recess, the teacher led the class of 5- and 6-year olds across the street to the playground. Of course, being the good leader she was, she had us use the crosswalk. Being still young and not informed in the ways of the world, or maybe because I just didn't see the point, I did not walk within the crosswalk. Our teacher noticed this and yelled at me to get back within the lines. I could say in retrospect that if she had explained to me that we are walking within the crosswalk because it's a good idea to practice safety rules even when it doesn't seem necessary, I might have gotten it and wouldn't have felt hurt and angry. There are two things wrong with that idea - 50 years ago we did not explain shit to children - you either did what you were told and everybody was happy, or you didn't and suffered the consequences. 'Why?' wasn't usually discussed. The 2nd thing is that I don't think I would have understood what the hell she was talking about. All I knew was that I got yelled at for no good reason, just for doing what I wanted to.

I'm going to preface just a little more here - I am a rebel. I have a rebellious nature inside of me. Tell me to do something, and I'll want to do the opposite. Couple the rebellious nature with a personality that has an unhealthy need for the approval of others, and you get a boy who learns to rebel in very sneaky ways. I had some friends growing up who were very outwardly rebellious. It seems like their middle finger was in an upright and locked position all of the time. This is one of my small regrets - that I hadn't been outwardly rebellious. I think it caused me a lot of pain later on in life. Depression has been said to be the opposite of expression, and perhaps if I had been more outwardly expressive with the way I really felt inside, I would have been emotionally healthier. But this is the way things worked out, so here we are. Today I am still rebellious, which I think is just fantastic - I no longer shame myself for thinking outside of the box. I do try to stay constructive with my rebellion, because rebellion, in and of itself, is a good thing. Rebellion is what causes change, and change is good (or at least inevitable).

So how does any of this relate to my thesis statement, that 'have to' causes anxiety? Because we don't have to do anything. Nor 'should' we do anything. Both 'have to' and 'should' can occupy the same spot in the trash can. 

We are spiritual beings having a human experience. As spiritual beings, we are free. There are no 'shoulds' or 
'have tos'. 'Have to' is a purely human, social construct, and, when I'm told I 'have to' do something, it causes cognitive dissonance. On the one hand, I've been trained that there are certain things that I 'have to' do. That's a neural pathway in my brain. However, my soul knows that there is nothing that I have to do - my soul can express as much or as little as it does, but it doesn't have to do a damn thing. So when someone tells me, or my brain tells me, that I have to do something, that is in disagreement with what I know to be the Truth, and it causes anxiety.

Please be so kind as to read on a little bit so you don't leave with the conclusion that I've gone totally off the rails. But you don't have to read on if you don't want to do so.

As I've mentioned before in several posts, the human brain is set up for automatic pilot. It is a protection mechanism, so we don't have to take the time to process everything in order to figure out whether or not it's a threat to our survival. It's a good thing; however, it causes us to sometimes accept things without examination or create associations that aren't true. If I tell you that I was born on Friday the 13th, which I was, your first thought that comes up might very well be, "Well, that explains a lot, doesn't it?", seeing as Friday the 13th is associated with bad luck. However, we know that, in reality, being born on Friday the 13th has had little, if any, influence in the path I've taken. So, in order to use our brain to our best advantage, it is a good idea to become conscious and ask ourselves once or twice in a while, "Is what I just thought really correct?"

In the crosswalk example, my teacher's advice was actually very sound. It is helpful to practice safety habits, like using crosswalks, even if it's not necessary. I did not interpret what she said in that way. My interpretation was, "You're trying to take my freedom from me," and this caused me some anguish.

I don't have to do anything. I don't have to eat (but if I want to survive, it's probably a good idea to eat); I really do not have to pay taxes (but if I want less trouble from the government, perhaps it would be good for me to pay them). I don't have to get out of bed in the morning (but if I'd like to enjoy life and maybe earn a little money in order to eat the food I don't have to eat, getting out of bed is a good idea).

There are a lot of things that we've learned that we 'have to' do, depending upon how we grew up. We have to go to school. We have to stand for the national anthem (please note that 'national anthem' is not capitalized, so I'm not necessarily talking about the National Anthem of the United States. These are concepts). We have to attend church on Sunday, we have to avoid meat on Fridays, we have to get married before we experience sexual intercourse (again, this all depends upon in which religion one was raised, if any). We have to wear clothes when in public. We have to marry within our ethnic heritage. If we're female, we have to become mothers. 

There is nothing wrong with any of those 'have tos' that I listed above, or about the million other 'have tos' that are out there. The problem is the feeling, either conscious, or subconscious, that comes with the have to. When I was young, not doing something that I had to do (or was 'supposed to' do) had dire consequences - it could make the people who had my life in their hands very angry (please try to look at it from the eyes of a 5 year old). When we are that age, our survival depends upon keeping adults happy. Deeply ingrained in us is this idea that we have to do the things we have to do, or there will be dire consequences indeed!

So, 'have to', 'should', and now 'supposed to', are associated with not only survival, but also guilt, and shame (at least in my mind). What is the remedy?

I believe the way to relieve myself of this unnecessary cause of anxiety is to write a really long-ass essay about it. But, seriously, I can recognize that these associations exist in my brain, but not necessarily in reality, and begin to understand that I have a choice in everything I do. Here is an example of the line of thinking I can take:

I don't feel like getting out of bed. It's ok to feel that way; it's just a feeling. What will happen if I stay in bed? What will happen if I get up anyway and go about my day, honoring the commitments I made? What will I choose?

This line of thinking prevents guilt about wanting to sleep all day, and allows me to rationally make a choice. Additionally, it prevents me from creating resentments about whatever I might be doing today. I'm choosing to go to work, or I'm choosing to go to church, or I'm choosing to visit relatives. This is empowering, and it allows me to express who I am. I've heard some people say, "I 'get to' go to work today," which is a very positive way of putting it. And it's not just words, it changes the way we feel.

And what about that rebel? The rebel in me is happy today, because I go out on a limb a whole lot. I might dress and look like everyone else (I actually don't - that's another cognitive distortion), but a lot of my choices about the way I live and think are very much my own, and come from my own heart, not someone else's directive (that they probably got from someone else). 

So many people I know feel like they have no control over their lives to the extent that they have no control over their actions, either. "I had to run that red light, or I'd be late to work!" Not healthy. Not empowering. 

I'm beginning to see how this human experience is really about learning how to be free in the confined space of these Earthbound bodies. That makes life, for me, a pretty cool journey. Thank you for traveling this part with me.

Namaste,

Ken

Are We There Yet?

I recently surpassed 30 months of recovery. It wasn't a milestone that I was looking for; I happened to be in a recovery meeting and simply counted how many months I've been in recovery, and I was surprised - 30 months seems like a long time to me! And, in truth, it is the longest that I've ever been in this kind of recovery. 30 months is a long time, if taken a month at a time. Taken day by day, or even moment by moment, it goes by relatively quickly.

I've heard that recovery/sobriety is a journey, not a destination. It's a neat concept to think about, and perhaps a comforting thought if I'm not where I want to be after 30 days, or 6 months, or 2 years. But what does it really mean? What does it feel like to be on this journey with no visible or even conceptual end? If there isn't a pinnacle, or a finish line, then what is there?

I was chatting with my supervisor the other day (the same one who called me an overachiever for oversleeping), and I happened to mention that what my aim is in recovery is to die from something besides alcoholism or suicide. That's not really the aim of recovery, but a 'successful' recovery from alcoholism/depression ends with a heart attack, or a car accident, or maybe a jealous ex-boyfriend - who knows? So we pretty much know what the destination of this plane of existence is - the transition from this physical plane to the next, whatever that looks like.

But I've lived a destination-oriented life before, and it's not enjoyable. It's filled with disappointment. For me, the disappointment usually came in the form of missing my destination, but sometimes it came in the form of making my destination, and finding out it wasn't the heaven I'd imagined it to be. 

I couldn't wait to get to high school - I'd be a big kid then, and life would be fun. I got to high school. I wasn't a big kid, parts of high school were fun, but for the most part, it sucked. So I couldn't wait to graduate from high school - I had it set up that I was going out of state for college, and I was really looking forward to that! I'd be free, and be rid of my crappy high school and the crappy town in which I grew up, and I could go have fun as a young adult and be on the road to success - life would be great! Well, I had a lot more fun after high school than I did in high school, but after a while, it began to suck as well. I spent the next 20 years looking for just the right physical situation/location where I could be successful and happy. I didn't find it, but, as I began to get tired of searching, I ended up back in Wisconsin, and very, very slowly began to learn that what I was seeking was inside of me, not outside of me. 

I began to learn that God was inside of me, rather than outside, and life was what I chose it to be, not what happened to me. I had a lot of difficulty with the concept that everything I needed was already here, inside, ready and waiting - not because I couldn't grasp it intellectually, but because I felt so rotten on the inside, I didn't believe it applied to me. There was no way I could be goodness and light, because I was such a useless piece of crap.

But the good news is that, by some miracle, I stuck around on this vile, barren, piece of shit rock floating in an empty, barren universe (now if that's not a depressing thought, I don't know what is!) long enough to begin to see some light. The patient and gentle people in my life led me to believe that I might have it all wrong - that my concept of me and my life was light years away from the Truth of my being.

Somewhere along the line, I learned how to 'be in the moment' - to be right here, right now, rather than in the past (depressing) or in the future (fearful and anxious). And do you know what I found in this moment? Nothing. Absolutely nothing! But I found out that nothing was what I've been looking for, and nothing is better than what I had. There was no past and no future, there was only the here and now, and because there is nothing in this moment, there is room for me to make this moment whatever I want it to be.

And that's what the journey is becoming for me - finding out what I can put into each moment to make life a blessed, peaceful, joyous experience. The destination is the next moment. There are 24 hours in this day, 1,440 minutes, 86,400 seconds. And in those 86,400 seconds, there are an infinite number of moments. So I have, each day, at least 86,400 opportunities to find out what I can give or what I can do or how I can show up to create more heaven on Earth. And that is the Truth. My only limit is the present state of my imagination. That's pretty awesome, and it makes the journey something to look forward to rather than something to be endured.

So, fellow traveler, I wish you well on your journey today, and look forward to the moment when our paths collide again.

Namaste,

Ken 

Holding on Loosely

I don't claim to know what's best for anybody, myself included. I do, however, often think I know what's best - I just try not to claim it because I know that I really don't know. That's my lame disclaimer.

As many of my 3 readers know, I've been taking stabs at recovery for over three decades. Perhaps the biggest obstacle to my long-term success has been my denial that in addition to alcoholism, I also live with what is called Major Depressive Disorder. However, my spiritual teachings and experience have led me to always look for the deeper meaning. What is beneath the alcoholism? What is beneath the depression? What is beneath the denial? For instance, many of us in recovery believe that alcoholism has very little to do with drinking alcohol, and very much to do with what was beneath our drinking - what causes us to value the use and effects of alcohol more than we value our family, our jobs, our possessions, our freedom, and, ultimately, our lives? Until we come to some understanding of causes and conditions, we can't really hope for long-term or contented sobriety. Yes, we have a physical allergy to alcohol; but if that were all we had, our problem would be solved by abstaining from alcohol. But it's not - we also have the mental obsession that, if left untreated, guarantees we will drink again.

I did not find the recovery I enjoy today until I was able to 'let go absolutely.' What that looked like at the time was really simply that I just stopped giving a rat's ass about how my life was going to turn out. I gave up. So I took what came my way as far as resources and help and I gave it my best shot. And I did not have any expectations that anything would work. This isn't to say that I believed it wouldn't work; I had simply released any expectations as to the outcome of my efforts.

And the result of this Method of Operation, if you will, is that I have a great life that I know I couldn't have planned.

I've written this before, but it bears repeating. I still have an ego; my decisions aren't as much informed by it as they used to be, but it's still there. And one of the traits of the ego, since egos are fear-based, is that it likes to know what's going on. It likes to plan, to insure its survival. Basically, my ego takes this particular lifetime way, way too seriously, because it doesn't believe in eternal life. My ego believes life is limited.

I, on the other hand, have begun to believe in unlimited, infinite life, and so I have a different view of this experience called 'My Life' than my ego has. And with my new view, I don't have to make sure everything will be ok and I'll be safe and protected. I already know that it is. Everything is already ok, no matter what the appearances are. And so my daily endeavor has gone from making sure Ken is ok (and all the things it takes to make that happen) to making sure that my consciousness stays in alignment with the Infinite. In some recovery programs, this is called knowing what God's will for me is today, and knowing that that is all I need to be concerned about.

I am very fortunate that I work with people in early recovery. What happens when I talk with these men is that simple stuff comes out of my mouth that they can use. This is what I heard come out of my mouth today, and it's a phrase that I believe encompasses the concept of holding on loosely: "I don't need to know today exactly where I'm going; I just need to make sure that I'm pointed in the right direction."

Here is a very concrete example of this concept: Say I want to go to California from here. I have a car, but I don't have GPS, I only have a compass. I know that California is generally WSW from here, and so I head out, in my car, going in a generally WSW destination. Because roads are the way they are, I know I won't be able to take a straight shot to California; however, if I head in that general direction overall, I'll arrive. And the bonus is that along the way I can enjoy the journey, because I haven't plotted out a specific path that I must take. Along the way I run into towns and rivers and mountains and prairies that I hadn't planned on visiting, but there they are! And my trip to California becomes an adventure, because I took it, I didn't plan it.

That's what I've been doing the past couple of years, and it seems to be working. Thanks for reading!

Namaste,

Ken

Moving Through Fear

Fear is creepy for me - it creeps into my life, and I don't always recognize it for what it is until I'm paralyzed by it. I'm not good at recognizing fear. I don't seem to be good yet at feeling emotions (but I am getting a little better) and I think that accounts for not recognizing fear well. I don't often feel anxiety, or have other physical symptoms of fear, so I have to guess at it. More on that in a minute.

Yesterday, I had to shit or get off the pot. Not literally - I just had that moment when I had to decide to walk (or ride) through my fear, or let it overtake me. I have allowed fear to creep back into my life, and haven't done much about it. Yesterday I was going to go on my first real bicycle ride of the season. I didn't want to. I felt 'tired'. I wanted to crawl into bed and sleep.

It didn't make sense. I love bicycle riding. Yesterday was the perfect day for a ride - sort of cool, sunny, and fairly calm. I knew I would feel good after a ride. Over the past two years I've ridden over 3000 miles on my bicycle, and I had just had my wheels trued and tuned up my bike. There wasn't a think 
(←see that Freudian slip?) thing keeping me from my ride. 

So I got up and went, and had a great ride. But, it wasn't the reasoning that got me going. It was the recognition that I was going down the slippery slope of fear, one that will only lead to my next drink, which I'm still postponing. I don't know how much living in fear I can take before I relapse. I don't know, as far as my mental emotional state goes, where the point of no return is. So, it pays to not try to find out.

I'm thinking as I write this that it might be helpful to treat fear like I treat the first drink. The basis of physical sobriety is to abstain from the first drink - then one doesn't have to be concerned with which drink is going to cause trouble (is it the 3rd? The 5th? The one I take the morning after?) Perhaps the basis of emotional sobriety might be to stay away from the first 'drink' of fear.

Emotional sobriety isn't as clearly defined as is physical sobriety. For instance, I can blow into a breathalyzer right now (I actually have one here as I write this) and be able to tell whether or not there is any alcohol in my body. However, we haven't invented a device that can test my emotional sobriety - one that would measure my level of serenity, or check for negativity, anger, fear, arrogance, lack of gratitude, etc.

I've lived my whole life with a high level of fear and dread. I used to hate waking up and getting up in the morning. In fact, I used to pray to not wake up. I've gotten much better - now I only dislike getting up, and sometimes I'm even ok with it. Anyway, every day I would have to face living, and I hated it. So I learned work-arounds - ways to escape from the fear of life without actually escaping. Drinking, drugs, food, computer games, sleeping, sex - there are a lot of things that I used to escape. And I also learned not to feel. I became emotionally dead, and a very good actor.

Over the past two years, I've made a great deal of progress in reversing my fearful nature. Two of the big ones are that I no longer fear supporting myself, and I no longer fear your disapproval (much).  But there are a lot of areas that still need work.

So, without feeling when I'm fearful, as it seems quite a natural state by now, how do I know when I am allowing fear to inform me? I've been around the block enough to know most of the signs of my fearfulness:
Procrastination - totally centered around fear. Whatever I'm procrastinating about is something I fear doing.
Hatred - if I hate something or someone, there is fear surrounding it or them.
Avoidance - (very similar to procrastination) - if I'm avoiding something or someone, I fear it.
Sleepiness - If I'm craving sleep, especially when I don't have a physical reason to be tired, I'm fearful.
Food cravings - food cravings for foods that make me feel better are an indication that I'm being fearful about something.
Computer time - surfing the web is a great way to avoid!

I wrote in an earlier post about my discovery early on that I can view life as my Higher Power, or view my Higher Power as life. So long as I go from the standpoint that Life really is good and supportive, I can take what comes my way each day as lessons and experiences that are good for me, no matter what they might seem to be. When I began to embrace that, my life becomes much richer. 

Writing is often about self-discovery for me, and as I'm writing this, I realize that I have a huge opportunity here to step up my recovery program. I've gotten several signs lately that I can go ahead and begin living with less fear, less timidity. Today, I have a lot of faith and evidence to back up that I have nothing to fear. I like the idea expressed earlier that I can treat fear like the first drink, and stay away from it. When I feel like doing any of the things listed in the previous paragraph, I can simply go ahead an do what's in front of me to do. A large part of recovery is doing what I know to be healthy despite how I feel in the moment, and I can begin to expand the areas in which I do this. 

I really have nothing to fear anymore. I only need to go ahead and prove it to myself.

If you've read this far, I really do appreciate you! I'm coming up on two years of sobriety next month, and I recognize more and more each day how much my sobriety isn't my own - it's a result of awesome people in my life and a lot of things and people of which I may not currently be aware. I used to be the boy in the bubble - forever protected from the 'germs' of life, but incredibly miserable. The bubble is gone now, and I'm one with the 'germs', and it really is ok. Thank you for being a part of my life!

Namaste,

Ken