In 1996 I ran across a piece by the author Marianne Williamson that said something along the lines of "I deserve to be here simply because I am." I was in prison in Ellsworth, Kansas, at the time, and this idea was news to me. I didn't believe it then, but that was a seed planted in my head that would begin to germinate nearly 20 years later. My belief at the time was I had to prove myself every minute of every day to be deserving of anything, including life. Obviously, I failed daily.
Having been homeless, and having been in prison, I know from experience what it's like to be 'invisible'. I may write about the homeless experience more in-depth at some point, because it's very difficult to describe what it's like and what it feels like in one paragraph. Suffice it to say it's like being a non-person - I'm there, I know I exist, but I really can't participate in anything. I can hang out in parks - hanging out in parks is great when one has a full-time job and goes to the park after work or on the weekends to chill and relax. When one is homeless, hanging out in the parks is not fun - it's a necessity, because hanging out anywhere else (besides the library) will earn you a loitering ticket, unless you're in a big city, in which case it's ok to hang out in the crappy parts of the city that nobody cares about anymore.
The last time I was released from prison was April of 2002 - yay! At that time, all I had on me were the clothes on my back, a prison ID, and an expired ID from Kansas (where I resided before being escorted to Wisconsin to serve time for an auto theft I committed in 1994 and had never fulfilled my obligation to the state of Wisconsin). Phew! Life is so much simpler now that I'm a lot better at taking care of my responsibilities. Anyway, I get out of prison, and, fortunately, I had a couple things going for me - I had a temporary place to live, courtesy of WI DOC, and I was starting university in September. But the point here is that between April and September I needed to get legitimate - I needed a state ID , a temporary job, and my own place to live. I was able to acquire all of that, but I distinctly remember acquiring my Wisconsin Identification - or, I should say, I distinctly remember the feeling I felt when I could pull a valid ID out of my pocket and say, "This is me! I belong!"
I have always placed conditions on my legitimacy - my deservedness of being here if you will. It's gotten a lot better, but I know that a lot of my present ok-ness still comes from being employed, being housed, and having an identity. If, in one day, I lost my jobs, my home, all my FB and fleshy friends, my girlfriend, my car, my bicycle - if I lost everything in one day, would I still feel legitimate? Deserving of life? My guess is, unfortunately, probably not. My being is still conditional.
My girlfriend and have plans to go to Japan later this year. I've never been off of the North American continent. In order to go to Japan, I need a passport. More importantly, possibly, is I need a passport to regain legal entry into the United States when I'm done in Japan. A passport says I am who I say I am and I am a citizen of the United States. I applied for my passport yesterday, and I found it both anxiety producing and exhilarating. In order to submit my application for a passport, I had to gather information and documents that 'prove' who I am and that I am a citizen of the United States. I found the process to be rather silly, because my fingerprints and my DNA are on record. If my dead, naked body were found today, say, in Albuquerque, it wouldn't take that long for authorities to figure out who I used to be. So, gathering up all this documentation (which can be manufactured, by the way) seemed a bit silly to me since there's a much easier way to say, "This guy is Ken." But oh well.
The important part here is that one of the feelings I got from applying for my passport was a greater feeling of legitimacy. Now, I'm not only legitimate in the state of Wisconsin (provable by my valid Wisconsin Driver's License), but I'm going to be legitimate in the entire world! I really am somebody now!
Now, this is a perfectly reasonable human response, and I'm certainly not going to get down on myself for it; however, I aspire to something better.
I realized 5 years ago that there's not enough on Earth to satisfy this human - there's not enough booze, certainly, but there's also not enough approval, acclaim, or achievement to satisfy this guy. When I get my passport, I probably won't be finally ok. Having a passport doesn't guarantee that I won't ever feel like a useless, non-deserving-of-life piece of shit again.
Additionally, I work with people who are often at a low point in their lives - I work with people suffering from addictions, mental health conditions, and homelessness. I endeavor to view everybody with whom I work deserving of the very best I have, simply because they are. If I start making exceptions, it'll create a domino effect. This is perhaps one of the few absolutes that I have - you are, therefore your life if worthy, your existence is important. It doesn't matter where you've been, what you've done, what you haven't done, who your parents were or weren't, what country, religion, or body you were born into. Your existence, your life, is important - period.
To honor that in others I need to honor that in myself, and vice versa.
It goes back to the really trite saying of the 70's that I really hate - "God made me, and God don't make no junk!" Same concept, it's just that that line really bugs me. But I am. You are. We're here. We deserve each other's respect, love, compassion, and empathy - title or no title, record or no record. The Universe doesn't issue passports - countries do. The Universe doesn't confer degrees upon people - universities do. And I'm not discounting achievement - I'm only putting it in it's proper place.
I no longer want to bring into my experience the shame of being, because that shame isn't given to me by God or the Universe - it's given to me by a limited mind, and I can transcend that limited mind. The possibilities for existence are endless and infinite, if I continue to learn what is man-made and what comes purely from Source.
Namasté
Ken
Showing posts with label Identity. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Identity. Show all posts
Saturday, April 28, 2018
Saturday, March 24, 2018
Trauma Informed Living
I feel compelled to begin this post by mentioning that I am not perfect. For the past few years, I have been endeavoring to live my life using new (to me) ideas that seem better than the old ideas by which I used to live. I have yet to practice to perfection anything about which I write. I have an inner sense of the Truth, that which is Perfect Principle, and once in a while that seems to come out in practice. Most of the time, I am simply feeling my way, day by day, to a better experience of life, and sharing much of that journey in this blog. So there ya have it.
When I re-entered human services as a vocation, I began learning about Trauma Informed Care. It is the latest vogue in helping those in need of help, and it prescribes an attitude and a way of working with others to be more effective and, essentially, more humane. The previous model was more of a medical model, in which we asked, "What's wrong with this person," and "What can we do to fix it?" (or what can we do to make this disagreeable symptom we see go away). In Trauma Informed Care, we recognize that every human being has experienced trauma of one sort or another in their lives, and that maladaptive behavior patterns and coping mechanisms often are derived from these traumas. So, instead of looking at the behavior, we begin to look for what might have caused this behavior to become a coping mechanism for this individual.
Trauma Informed Care is much more of a solution-oriented way of assisting clients, one that involves looking at the whole person, not just the 'presenting problem' or issue. There are 5 guiding principles for practicing Trauma Informed Care - Safety, Trustworthiness & Transparency, Choice, Collaboration and Mutuality, Empowerment. After learning about Trauma Informed Care, I decided it would be good for me to use this model not only with the people I serve, but for everybody with whom I have contact. I also noticed that the principles closely align with spiritual principles that I also practice. In the following paragraphs, I am going to outline how I practice these principles in life.
The first thing for me to understand is that everybody's got something going on. No matter what appearances tell me, every human being has issues they are dealing with, and these issues are no better nor worse than mine. They're just different, and usually hidden. Without this understanding, it's way too easy for me to become judgmental about the well-groomed man in line at the store who is chewing out a clerk for shorting him a dime. There's a lot more going on there than "He's just a privileged, snooty asshole." People who feel pretty good about themselves, no matter their station in life, don't find it necessary to try to make others feel less-than. So, when I see one human being hurting another, or themselves, I do well to understand that the one doing the hurting has been hurt themselves. It's hard to do some days, but this mode of thinking is more conducive to better living than holding the belief that the world is filled with assholes.
The first principle is safety. How safe does the person with whom I'm interacting feel around me? As you might imagine, there are many factors affecting this. There are only two that I have control over - my actions, and my awareness that there are factors affecting the other person's perceptions of which I am probably unaware. Something I understand today of which I used to be totally unaware is that my mere presence as a 55 year-old caucasian male might be threatening to someone else, depending upon their upbringing and previous life experiences. Does this mean I have to interview everybody I meet to determine whether or not they feel I'm a threat? Not at all. What it does mean is that I don't have to add to anybody's issues. If someone is hostile or acts strangely around me, I don't have to take it personally, and I don't have to do anything about it. In fact, if I don't do anything about it, I might be helping their issue by being a contradiction to their outlook that "all old white men are assholes." So the whole thing about safety is letting someone be who they are without feeling threatened or attacked and without feeling the need to defend myself. And, if I am feeling hostile or irritated going into a situation, I do not need to show it, or maybe I don't need to be going into that situation until I'm more grounded.
The next principle is trustworthiness and transparency. In dealing with others, I endeavor to be honest and not hide things. I need to tell the truth, even if it's something that bothers me. I need to refrain from gossip, and to keep what others tell me confidential. I need to do this because everybody in life has been involved with someone who has betrayed their trust, and every person they meet who does it again re-injures that person. I need to be the person someone meets or is friends with who can be trusted. And I need to endeavor to do that all the time with all people. This builds my own self-esteem, and reduces the likelihood that I will hurt someone with my word, my action, or my inaction. Trust and transparency build good relationships, good connections, and good connections are healing connections.
Choice is the next principle. In my professional life, it means that I do not force my will onto another person. Each person with whom I work has the choice to follow suggestions or to not follow them. Of course, choice should be informed, but, ultimately, each individual has the right to make their own choices. The same goes for life. There is nobody in my life upon whom I force my will. Taking people's right of choice away is called oppression and enslavement, and neither one of those is a human right. Additionally, it just doesn't work. I'm grateful that I've never gotten off over having power over another person (real or imagined), but I see around me the effects on those people who feel oppressed by other people or institutions. Nobody has to like me; nobody has to respect me. I earn respect by the way I speak, behave, and carry myself. If I feel disrespected, it's my feeling that I have to deal with. I may wish to speak to the person who I feel has disrespected me, but, in the end, it's my problem, not theirs. I also understand that people make choices in their lives that I might not understand or agree with; however, nobody, absolutely nobody, has to live in a certain way to please me. I can always choose to try to understand why someone makes a certain choice, or, I can let it go. To be very honest, I still have an initial pre-judgment when I meet someone; however, practicing this principle allows me to get past that judgment and discover the person underneath.
Collaboration and mutuality again is about honoring the rights of the individual, but it's also about more - it's about validating another's feelings, wishes, opinions, and choices. It's about listening. It's about understanding. It's about humility, in that I don't want to take the position that I know better for someone than they do for themselves. It's about understanding that life is a two-way street, and I don't want to be a Hummer going the wrong way. It's about me feeling secure enough in my own being to allow others to express themselves freely. It's about knowing my own Truth, so that others may discover theirs.
The fifth principle is empowerment. At work, I meet a lot of people who have what we call 'learned helplessness.' Some people get to a point where they really can't do anything on their own. This is not a result of Trauma Informed Care - it's a result of someone having their humanity and individuality stripped away from them because of their illness. I was headed down that road, and I endeavor to help myself and others, whether at work or not, recognize that everyone is powerful. Every human being is born with power, and, through life's lessons, either learns to accept or deny their own power. I can point to most of the lessons I learned that taught me I was a useless waste of oxygen that would be better off dead. It took me a long, long time to understand and accept that my perception is NOT the Truth about me. I don't want anyone to ever feel about themselves the way I felt about myself. I'm learning, and it is a constant lesson, how to help others elevate themselves. Much dis-empowerment is done with good but misguided intention. I mentioned in a post a few months ago that I learned that doing something for someone that they are capable of doing themselves sends the subconscious message of "I'm doing this for you because you can't." Empowering others, rather than being disempowering, takes wisdom, patience and faith.
So, maybe you can see why I like these principles. They really invite connection with and understanding between people. They challenge me to look for the good and the strengths in others. They challenge me to put down some of my long held beliefs, and they sometimes make me feel uncomfortable. I have to possess and practice a certain amount of vulnerability and humility in order to let others be who they truly are. However, my life is vastly more interesting and enriched when I practice the belief that the Universe is expressing itself through each and every one of us and when I allow life to unfold as the Universe sees fit rather than how I see fit. Treating others in a way which is not harmful or belittling to them is one part of this; the bigger part is giving them a space to flourish as they were intended to flourish.
Namasté
Ken
When I re-entered human services as a vocation, I began learning about Trauma Informed Care. It is the latest vogue in helping those in need of help, and it prescribes an attitude and a way of working with others to be more effective and, essentially, more humane. The previous model was more of a medical model, in which we asked, "What's wrong with this person," and "What can we do to fix it?" (or what can we do to make this disagreeable symptom we see go away). In Trauma Informed Care, we recognize that every human being has experienced trauma of one sort or another in their lives, and that maladaptive behavior patterns and coping mechanisms often are derived from these traumas. So, instead of looking at the behavior, we begin to look for what might have caused this behavior to become a coping mechanism for this individual.
Trauma Informed Care is much more of a solution-oriented way of assisting clients, one that involves looking at the whole person, not just the 'presenting problem' or issue. There are 5 guiding principles for practicing Trauma Informed Care - Safety, Trustworthiness & Transparency, Choice, Collaboration and Mutuality, Empowerment. After learning about Trauma Informed Care, I decided it would be good for me to use this model not only with the people I serve, but for everybody with whom I have contact. I also noticed that the principles closely align with spiritual principles that I also practice. In the following paragraphs, I am going to outline how I practice these principles in life.
The first thing for me to understand is that everybody's got something going on. No matter what appearances tell me, every human being has issues they are dealing with, and these issues are no better nor worse than mine. They're just different, and usually hidden. Without this understanding, it's way too easy for me to become judgmental about the well-groomed man in line at the store who is chewing out a clerk for shorting him a dime. There's a lot more going on there than "He's just a privileged, snooty asshole." People who feel pretty good about themselves, no matter their station in life, don't find it necessary to try to make others feel less-than. So, when I see one human being hurting another, or themselves, I do well to understand that the one doing the hurting has been hurt themselves. It's hard to do some days, but this mode of thinking is more conducive to better living than holding the belief that the world is filled with assholes.
The first principle is safety. How safe does the person with whom I'm interacting feel around me? As you might imagine, there are many factors affecting this. There are only two that I have control over - my actions, and my awareness that there are factors affecting the other person's perceptions of which I am probably unaware. Something I understand today of which I used to be totally unaware is that my mere presence as a 55 year-old caucasian male might be threatening to someone else, depending upon their upbringing and previous life experiences. Does this mean I have to interview everybody I meet to determine whether or not they feel I'm a threat? Not at all. What it does mean is that I don't have to add to anybody's issues. If someone is hostile or acts strangely around me, I don't have to take it personally, and I don't have to do anything about it. In fact, if I don't do anything about it, I might be helping their issue by being a contradiction to their outlook that "all old white men are assholes." So the whole thing about safety is letting someone be who they are without feeling threatened or attacked and without feeling the need to defend myself. And, if I am feeling hostile or irritated going into a situation, I do not need to show it, or maybe I don't need to be going into that situation until I'm more grounded.
The next principle is trustworthiness and transparency. In dealing with others, I endeavor to be honest and not hide things. I need to tell the truth, even if it's something that bothers me. I need to refrain from gossip, and to keep what others tell me confidential. I need to do this because everybody in life has been involved with someone who has betrayed their trust, and every person they meet who does it again re-injures that person. I need to be the person someone meets or is friends with who can be trusted. And I need to endeavor to do that all the time with all people. This builds my own self-esteem, and reduces the likelihood that I will hurt someone with my word, my action, or my inaction. Trust and transparency build good relationships, good connections, and good connections are healing connections.
Choice is the next principle. In my professional life, it means that I do not force my will onto another person. Each person with whom I work has the choice to follow suggestions or to not follow them. Of course, choice should be informed, but, ultimately, each individual has the right to make their own choices. The same goes for life. There is nobody in my life upon whom I force my will. Taking people's right of choice away is called oppression and enslavement, and neither one of those is a human right. Additionally, it just doesn't work. I'm grateful that I've never gotten off over having power over another person (real or imagined), but I see around me the effects on those people who feel oppressed by other people or institutions. Nobody has to like me; nobody has to respect me. I earn respect by the way I speak, behave, and carry myself. If I feel disrespected, it's my feeling that I have to deal with. I may wish to speak to the person who I feel has disrespected me, but, in the end, it's my problem, not theirs. I also understand that people make choices in their lives that I might not understand or agree with; however, nobody, absolutely nobody, has to live in a certain way to please me. I can always choose to try to understand why someone makes a certain choice, or, I can let it go. To be very honest, I still have an initial pre-judgment when I meet someone; however, practicing this principle allows me to get past that judgment and discover the person underneath.
Collaboration and mutuality again is about honoring the rights of the individual, but it's also about more - it's about validating another's feelings, wishes, opinions, and choices. It's about listening. It's about understanding. It's about humility, in that I don't want to take the position that I know better for someone than they do for themselves. It's about understanding that life is a two-way street, and I don't want to be a Hummer going the wrong way. It's about me feeling secure enough in my own being to allow others to express themselves freely. It's about knowing my own Truth, so that others may discover theirs.
The fifth principle is empowerment. At work, I meet a lot of people who have what we call 'learned helplessness.' Some people get to a point where they really can't do anything on their own. This is not a result of Trauma Informed Care - it's a result of someone having their humanity and individuality stripped away from them because of their illness. I was headed down that road, and I endeavor to help myself and others, whether at work or not, recognize that everyone is powerful. Every human being is born with power, and, through life's lessons, either learns to accept or deny their own power. I can point to most of the lessons I learned that taught me I was a useless waste of oxygen that would be better off dead. It took me a long, long time to understand and accept that my perception is NOT the Truth about me. I don't want anyone to ever feel about themselves the way I felt about myself. I'm learning, and it is a constant lesson, how to help others elevate themselves. Much dis-empowerment is done with good but misguided intention. I mentioned in a post a few months ago that I learned that doing something for someone that they are capable of doing themselves sends the subconscious message of "I'm doing this for you because you can't." Empowering others, rather than being disempowering, takes wisdom, patience and faith.
So, maybe you can see why I like these principles. They really invite connection with and understanding between people. They challenge me to look for the good and the strengths in others. They challenge me to put down some of my long held beliefs, and they sometimes make me feel uncomfortable. I have to possess and practice a certain amount of vulnerability and humility in order to let others be who they truly are. However, my life is vastly more interesting and enriched when I practice the belief that the Universe is expressing itself through each and every one of us and when I allow life to unfold as the Universe sees fit rather than how I see fit. Treating others in a way which is not harmful or belittling to them is one part of this; the bigger part is giving them a space to flourish as they were intended to flourish.
Namasté
Ken
Saturday, February 3, 2018
Who the Heck Am I?
I started a post the other day. My intention was to explore identity. I began to write down all the things I am - male, Caucasian, Wisconsinite, citizen of the United States, etc. - all of my descriptors. I didn't finish. But what was curious to me was that most of the descriptors weren't my choice (or, if they were, they were made before I was born and I don't remember). It's not my fault I live in Wisconsin. I've tried to leave a few times, but I keep coming back, and for 6 months out of the year I ask "Why?". I don't recall asking to be born a white male, and I did not give my consent to be baptized (although I did give my consent to be confirmed in the Lutheran church). I learned English at a young age because that's what was spoken around the house. My uncles, on the other hand, were bi-lingual - when playing cards, they often spoke in German (probably because they knew I wouldn't understand). So where I live, my first language, my citizenship, my first religion - they make up who I am, even though I didn't choose them. I found out pretty early on that I wasn't very happy with who I thought I was. It took a long long time to change that state of mind.
Humans love to identify and classify. It's how we make logical sense of the world in which we live. That's a rock; it has certain attributes because it's a rock. There's a tree; it has certain attributes because it's a tree.
But then we try to classify ourselves. Some people have no problem with that. Some folks proudly state exactly who they are, even though what they're claiming was something that was foisted upon them before they knew they had the power to choose. Our egos need an identity in order to thrive. Strip away all of the things we think we are, and the ego has nothing for which to live.
I had a Boston Terrier for about a year. Cute little guy, but he didn't know he was a little dog (he weighed 20 pounds, but was very strong). He liked to go to the dog park and run with the big dogs. Most of them tried to ignore him - he didn't care. I really loved that dog. Domesticated dogs don't have an identity other than what we give them.
I don't think a wolf knows it's a wolf. I don't think an oak tree knows it's an oak tree rather than a pine tree. And an oak tree is probably not proud to be a mighty oak because, when it was just an acorn, it knew it had no other choice (if it knew anything at all).
In the helping professions, we avoid identifying patients with their conditions. There's good reason for this - the cancer in room 420 is more than a cancer - she's a mom, a daughter, a sister, a wife, a journalist. When the person who lives with alcoholism isn't drinking, he's more than an alcoholic - he's your neighbor, someone's son, and he might even be your doctor. The person who lives with mental illness may be symptom free for months or years; why call them the manic-depressive or schizophrenic?
Yet we have this urge to identify and classify, and, the narrower our minds, the more rigidly we adhere to the names we give others. Remember being 8 or 9 years old, and going grocery shopping with mom, and seeing your homeroom teacher in the grocery store for the first time? Wasn't that a trip? There was a great amount of confusion - "what's she doing here? She's my teacher!" We did not understand, at first, that teachers have lives outside of the classroom - that they've got spouses, and homes, and maybe children, and they gotta eat too! It's usually experiences like these, and reading or watching movies, that broadens our minds to the existence of other peoples and different ways of doing things. I've mentioned this before - when I went to prison, I discovered that 'murderers' didn't murder 24/7, and 'thieves' didn't steal 24/7, and most of the 'drug dealers' were out of business - at least for the time being. All of the people I met in prison had aspects that weren't criminal offenses. All of them were human (and, I suspect, still are).
Alcholism, addiction, and major depression are all conditions that have a narrowing affect on the minds of those of us that live with these conditions. For me, my mind narrowed to the point that life sucked, living sucked, the whole world sucked, I'm useless, and my only options are to drink and/or die. So, a large amount of recovery for me has been allowing my mind to re-broaden - to begin to see that I do have options and choices, and that I'm not locked into a certain way of being. In fact, I consider myself very fortunate that I had to get to the point where I had to surrender just about everything I thought I knew about myself in order to live. The world I live in today is vastly different than the world I lived in 3 years ago (and very much different than the world in which I grew up).
There was a CEO who was in need of a CFO (chief financial officer) so he picked 3 CPAs to interview. He asked the first one, "What is 2+2?" The first CPA answered, "4." "Thank you," said the CEO, "you may go." The CEO did the same with the second CPA, with the same result. When the CEO asked the 3rd CPA "What is 2+2," the CPA replied, "What would you like it to be?" The CEO said, "You're hired!"
And that's what I feel like today - the 3rd CPA - because each day I have greater choice on who I want to be today. Who I am is how I show up. Or, how I show up is who I am. I am not bound by my past, nor am I bound by those things that I am which I did not consciously choose. I'm not even bound by the language I learned, porque aprendí a hablar otro idioma.
I'm not bound by religion, and I'm not bound by my disorders.
A side benefit of this broadening of mind I've experienced is I judge people less at face value than I ever have before. I can see more of the whole person than I've ever been able to before, and I now appreciate people for who they are. This is part of what makes life an adventure. To paraphrase Whoopi Goldberg, if everybody were Whoopi Goldberg, the world would be a pretty boring place.
I don't know who I am today, other than a living, breathing embodiment of my Creator, living to become more of who I really Am. And more and more I recognize my relationship to my brothers and sisters. I'm a part of the Human Family, and we're all here trying our best to find our way. For me, it makes what used to be a really frightening world into a pretty nice place to live.
Namaste,
Ken
Humans love to identify and classify. It's how we make logical sense of the world in which we live. That's a rock; it has certain attributes because it's a rock. There's a tree; it has certain attributes because it's a tree.
But then we try to classify ourselves. Some people have no problem with that. Some folks proudly state exactly who they are, even though what they're claiming was something that was foisted upon them before they knew they had the power to choose. Our egos need an identity in order to thrive. Strip away all of the things we think we are, and the ego has nothing for which to live.
I had a Boston Terrier for about a year. Cute little guy, but he didn't know he was a little dog (he weighed 20 pounds, but was very strong). He liked to go to the dog park and run with the big dogs. Most of them tried to ignore him - he didn't care. I really loved that dog. Domesticated dogs don't have an identity other than what we give them.
I don't think a wolf knows it's a wolf. I don't think an oak tree knows it's an oak tree rather than a pine tree. And an oak tree is probably not proud to be a mighty oak because, when it was just an acorn, it knew it had no other choice (if it knew anything at all).
In the helping professions, we avoid identifying patients with their conditions. There's good reason for this - the cancer in room 420 is more than a cancer - she's a mom, a daughter, a sister, a wife, a journalist. When the person who lives with alcoholism isn't drinking, he's more than an alcoholic - he's your neighbor, someone's son, and he might even be your doctor. The person who lives with mental illness may be symptom free for months or years; why call them the manic-depressive or schizophrenic?
Yet we have this urge to identify and classify, and, the narrower our minds, the more rigidly we adhere to the names we give others. Remember being 8 or 9 years old, and going grocery shopping with mom, and seeing your homeroom teacher in the grocery store for the first time? Wasn't that a trip? There was a great amount of confusion - "what's she doing here? She's my teacher!" We did not understand, at first, that teachers have lives outside of the classroom - that they've got spouses, and homes, and maybe children, and they gotta eat too! It's usually experiences like these, and reading or watching movies, that broadens our minds to the existence of other peoples and different ways of doing things. I've mentioned this before - when I went to prison, I discovered that 'murderers' didn't murder 24/7, and 'thieves' didn't steal 24/7, and most of the 'drug dealers' were out of business - at least for the time being. All of the people I met in prison had aspects that weren't criminal offenses. All of them were human (and, I suspect, still are).
Alcholism, addiction, and major depression are all conditions that have a narrowing affect on the minds of those of us that live with these conditions. For me, my mind narrowed to the point that life sucked, living sucked, the whole world sucked, I'm useless, and my only options are to drink and/or die. So, a large amount of recovery for me has been allowing my mind to re-broaden - to begin to see that I do have options and choices, and that I'm not locked into a certain way of being. In fact, I consider myself very fortunate that I had to get to the point where I had to surrender just about everything I thought I knew about myself in order to live. The world I live in today is vastly different than the world I lived in 3 years ago (and very much different than the world in which I grew up).
There was a CEO who was in need of a CFO (chief financial officer) so he picked 3 CPAs to interview. He asked the first one, "What is 2+2?" The first CPA answered, "4." "Thank you," said the CEO, "you may go." The CEO did the same with the second CPA, with the same result. When the CEO asked the 3rd CPA "What is 2+2," the CPA replied, "What would you like it to be?" The CEO said, "You're hired!"
And that's what I feel like today - the 3rd CPA - because each day I have greater choice on who I want to be today. Who I am is how I show up. Or, how I show up is who I am. I am not bound by my past, nor am I bound by those things that I am which I did not consciously choose. I'm not even bound by the language I learned, porque aprendí a hablar otro idioma.
I'm not bound by religion, and I'm not bound by my disorders.
A side benefit of this broadening of mind I've experienced is I judge people less at face value than I ever have before. I can see more of the whole person than I've ever been able to before, and I now appreciate people for who they are. This is part of what makes life an adventure. To paraphrase Whoopi Goldberg, if everybody were Whoopi Goldberg, the world would be a pretty boring place.
I don't know who I am today, other than a living, breathing embodiment of my Creator, living to become more of who I really Am. And more and more I recognize my relationship to my brothers and sisters. I'm a part of the Human Family, and we're all here trying our best to find our way. For me, it makes what used to be a really frightening world into a pretty nice place to live.
Namaste,
Ken
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