I Belong

This is the second in a series of posts about core beliefs I am challenging because they no longer serve me. The first is I Am Valuable. There is at least one more after this, or possibly two.

I belong. Growing up, I often felt as though I did not belong. I just felt like I did not fit in anywhere, including my family. When I was old enough to know what adopted meant, I thought I was. I'm not. I've heard similar reports from others who live with addiction and/or mental illness - they felt like they didn't fit in, they didn't belong, they were different, they were alien. I like the alien idea - that gives me hope that some day I'll be beamed up!

Humans reinforce what we believe. This is why change can be so difficult - our beliefs are like our appendages, and we don't let go of those easily! I reinforced the core belief of I don't belong in part by sabotaging anything good that came into my life - education, jobs, friendships, relationships, marriages, apartments...you name it, I somehow messed it up.

In 2013, when I moved to Waukesha to begin another cycle of recovery, I didn't get the feeling that I belonged there. I was, however, grateful that I was out of the town in which I lived previously. When I began my own business, I began to get the feeling that I belonged. I also liked the feeling that I was supporting myself, which is the opposite of my core belief that I'm unable to support myself. In 2015, my business stopped because my van stopped, and I didn't have the means to get it repaired. This event reinforced strongly the beliefs that I'm useless, I'm not good enough, and I don't belong.

After a miraculously brief relapse, I began treating both my alcoholism and my depression. I began adding recovery meetings that focused on mental health. I began getting into the community of people living with mental health disorders, and I once again started feeling that I belonged. And when I worked for NAMI-Waukesha, I found that I really belonged there - I felt appreciated, liked, and useful. I felt a part of the community of Waukesha as a whole because of my community involvement. After another relapse 3 years later, I was unable to generate the feeling that I do belong. I entered treatment after treatment after treatment. This is the cycle that ended July 17th, 2020, when I got sober for the last time.

In December 2019, I really got the vibe that I didn't belong in Wisconsin anymore, and I clumsily moved to Arizona. When I arrived in Arizona, I still needed help, and I got it. Generating the feeling that I belonged here was hampered by Covid-19 - I was unable to meet a lot of people because recovery meetings and churches closed face-to-face gatherings and went online. It's just not the same. However, I was able to feel like I might belong here due to lack of evidence that I didn't.

Nobody, absolutely nobody, has told me that moving to Arizona was a bad idea (the way I did it was very unskillful). I'm receiving state insurance and nutrition assistance. Nobody has told me that I'm a drain on the system; everybody I've met having to do with the assistance I'm receiving has been most helpful. (Because I'm making Arizona my home, I have a desire to in some way pay back what they've given me). I am surprised that I've not run into one person that told me I should get the heck out of Arizona. So I am building the belief that I do belong where I'm at due to lack of evidence that I don't belong. I've recently started working a real tax-paying job, and I've recently found another recovery fellowship that meets every day. Soon I will write about that.

The real absolute Truth of the matter is that I belong right where I'm at in this moment because I cannot be anywhere else but here. That's a big chunk to take on faith and digest, so I continue to recognize the evidence of my belonging, and continue to create more evidence by becoming involved in whatever way I can in the community.

There is one very important attribute that I must develop - I must begin to recognize and accept the signs the Universe supplies me to see when it's time to change. I need to be able to take the rudder of my own ship and steer it in the direction my intuition and other signs tell me to steer it. The way to develop the attribute of recognition is to stay in this moment as much as possible, and to meditate, which is listening to God. I've been told that a consistent meditation practice will yield positive results in being able to navigate life. I no longer need to create crises to create change.

Changing core beliefs takes time and practice. Something in me thinks that if I get a better idea that I can implement that in my life overnight. Not so; making real change is akin to steering an aircraft carrier. It might receive orders to make an 180 degree turn and go in that direction, but it takes a lot of time and energy to make that change. So I need to daily be mentally and spiritually present in my life to be able to go in the direction that is meant for me.

Namasté,

Ken