Transitions Part II - The Journey

In Transitions - Part I, I wrote about transitioning from one job to another, and the success that I've encountered at my (still current) job, and my joy at moving on to a job that more matches my strengths and abilities. I think in that post I failed to capture the real essence of the whole experience, and it perhaps might not be possible to, in a few hour's worth of writing, capture what it feels like to go 9 months (at the job), a day at a time, or a moment at a time, and to feel that overall it's been a great success.

The journey I'm speaking of is experiencing each day that life is meant to be lived, not avoiding or simply tolerating. It is taking a new attitude toward life. The Universe told me to "practice each day setting aside your fears and doubts and preconceived notions about the way things 'should' be. Accept what is in front of you and do the next indicated step, no matter how you feel. Just get yourself in the stream of life, let go, and see what happens. Trust."

When I was new at the grocery store, one of my tasks was to collect carts from the parking lot and return them to the cart corral. I also picked up litter in the parking lot. One of the worst things I picked up was somebody's used rubber gloves - they were wet with their sweat. Along the way, I had to deal with feelings of inferiority and shame. But I was being of service. "All labor that uplifts humanity has dignity and importance and should be undertaken with painstaking excellence." (Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.) I was doing my job to make grocery shopping as easy and pleasant an experience as possible for customers during a very challenging time for people. I was doing what nobody would notice unless the job wasn't done. In addition to finding trash along the way, I would also find pennies. I viewed the pennies as signs of encouragement from my Higher Power that I was doing the right thing (sometimes I'd find dimes or even quarters!). I developed a strong attitude of gratitude for what was happening to me and through me - no matter what! 

One day at work inside the store I heard a crash and went to investigate. The Grocery Manager (assistant director of the store) was setting up a display and some plates fell off the display and broke. I didn't say anything. I got a broom and dustpan and cardboard box and cleaned it up - because that's what you do. If I see something that needs doing, I do it, or find somebody who can. And the people in charge noticed my attitude and ethics and gave me more responsibility, and more pay. But that wasn't my goal; it's what happened as a result of me practicing doing the next right thing. One of my goals is to be of service in whatever way I can whenever it is indicated.

I haven't been broke since probably September or October of 2020 (9 or 10 months as of this writing). I don't write a budget - whenever I've written a budget in the past, it has shown that I don't have enough to live on. Source provides me with everything I need today, in abundance! I go with that attitude. I've stopped entertaining doubts about the future, and I say "Thank You God" for everything I have today. I was able to get some work done on my teeth. I was able to pay for a lawyer to take care of my legal business in Las Vegas that I had ignored for 12 years. I am able to pay what is needed to reinstate my driving privileges. My monetary priorities are rent, keeping my phone going, utilities, food, and donating money to entities that feed my spirit (recovery meetings and now, lately, church). I was able to purchase a Chromebook, which I'm using now. There's some things I don't like about it, but I love it and I'm grateful for it because it's my main window to the world. I'm able to afford internet service. I've walked around with $1000 cash in my pocket, and I wasn't tempted to use it to go on what would be and impressive but very damaging bender. I purchased a bicycle a little over a year ago, and I have a little over 1800 miles on it. It's my main form of transportation as well as aerobic exercise and pleasure riding. 1800 miles isn't my record (3000 miles in one year in Wisconsin), but it's still a lot of pedaling. I'm grateful for my bike, and I take care of my bike. When I trail ride, it gets very dusty, and I clean it up after my ride to maintain it and to show my gratitude and appreciation for it. It's a great bike!

A young friend of mine, about 21 or 22 years old, stated that they didn't know what to do with their life. I didn't say anything because my only thought I had at the time was, "I don't know what to do with my life either," meaning I don't know what life is going to look like too much past today. I didn't say that to them because I didn't think it would be comforting to them to say, "I'm almost 59 years old and I don't know what I'll be when I grow up either!" I could have said, "Do your best with today and your experiences will lead you to where you're supposed to be and doing what you're supposed to be doing." I still need a lot of practice expressing my faith and encouraging others.

I have some of the most awesome people in my life, but that's not a surprise. As I've stated in previous posts, God always has put loving and supportive people on my path, but in the past, I haven't always engaged in those relationships. The most challenging part of my life is connecting with others - cultivating a true relationship. There are a ton of fears surrounding that. I falter and fuck up and make amends and allow people to see the real me. It's tough! But connection with others is so, so very important in recovery, so I'm putting my toes and sometimes my foot in the water of friendship. Someday I'll get in all the way, deep, and know that it will be ok, no matter what. I get to facilitate recovery meetings in Recovery Dharma. I am so grateful for discovering Recovery Dharma meetings - being involved in it has been so immensely helpful to my recovery. We talk about real stuff - overcoming the trauma and fears and unskillful thinking that feed our addictions. We practice compassion and acceptance and support each other on our paths.

I avoid the desire to seek pleasure. I practice happiness and acceptance. Happiness is a choice, not a goal. In this moment, or any other moment, I can be happy. Did you know that happy people don't hurt themselves or intentionally hurt others? Some years ago a sponsor told me that my serenity is the most important thing I have, because it fuels my sobriety. I understood the concept in my head, but I couldn't yet practice it. I didn't like myself or love myself enough at the time to practice things like serenity, happiness, and peace. I felt I didn't deserve to be happy. Now I no longer identify with depression. I no longer identify with the symptoms, especially the one that says I'm a victim of myself - that I'm a bad person and I deserve punishment, and if someone else won't punish me, I'll punish myself. I began practicing liking myself, because there isn't any evidence that I'm a 'bad' person in this moment. Practicing liking myself is doing good things for myself, like eating right and sleeping right and taking care of my business, and a bunch of other stuff. I let go of perfectionism. I let go of it a lot! Perfectionism is antithetical to liking myself, because nothing is perfect. Or, if you like, in this moment, everything is perfect according to the laws of the Universe. Anyway, when I let go of perfectionism, I allow happiness and peace in. I can live with myself and be happy with what I'm doing, knowing that I'm moving forward and improving. Back to the first sentence in this paragraph - pleasure comes, unexpectedly, when I'm doing the right thing. Pleasure comes from hiking Thumb Butte or a tiny part of the Grand Canyon with friends, and taking pictures. Pleasure comes when I ride my bike 26 miles. Pleasure comes when I don't procrastinate. Pleasure comes when I help a customer find the product they are seeking. Pleasure comes when I drop my defenses and allow another employee to help me with my job. Pleasure comes when I share my experience, strength, and hope with another addict in recovery. Joy comes when I ponder where I'm at today and how I show up today compared to a year ago. 

I thought about the following 'story', I guess, earlier today and I want to share it. Growing up, and as a young man, my goal (because someone gave it to me, and I accepted it) was to finish my higher education, get a good job that would support me forever, and find a suitable mate that would stay with me forever. Then I could sit back and relax. I would have a life. I failed miserably at that goal. I took a few shots at it, and just could. not. do. it. I began to try ways of living that were acceptable to others, and I just could. not. do. it. I took the road less traveled. I've had a lot of experiences that most people have not had, and maybe can't relate to. I discovered, by looking within, that my real goal for a really long time was to escape life, avoid engaging with life, in whatever way I could while trying to make the people around me think that I was actually living a decent life. That's a really complicated goal! And I failed at that, too. So I agreed with myself to try life. I'm giving up trying to avoid it (still working on that!). And I'm finding out that life is livable! With a Higher Power, and some spiritual principles by which to live, Life actually turns out to be a pretty good experience. 

So that's the journey. I don't know that I have a destination, other than to fit myself to be of maximum service to the Universe and to others. The journey is each day practicing the mountain of spiritual principles I've learned over the years - working at connecting my head with my heart, and living a useful and purposeful life. I practice becoming whole. I practice, each day, letting go of fear and doubt, and letting life take me where it will. And, much to my surprise, the results are fantastic! So when I write about getting a new job, or making amends for my past, or always and absolutely having whatever I need, and no longer entertaining and living with the symptoms of depression and active addiction, these things are the results of living each day engaged with life to the best of my ability, and endeavoring to be of service. I don't plan the results. My only expectation for each day is that I'll be ok, and I've met or exceeded that expectation for 343 days so far. And these transitions that come about as a result of my actions - I endeavor to let them be as smooth as possible, knowing that good is here, and more good is coming. Let it flow, like water.

 Namasté,

Ken

Transitions - Part I

 I haven't posted much lately, mainly because I've had a lot of inner growth going on that I couldn't really explain. I don't think I can really explain it well now, but I do have some outer manifestations of that growth that I can talk about with reasonable clarity. I believe that one of the main causes of this growth spurt, as it were, is that 57 days ago I started practicing mindfulness meditation through an app called "Waking Up" by Sam Harris. I'll be talking a little more about this in another post; for now, it's only important to know that this practice has been really helpful for me in fulfilling my desire to learn how to live from the inside out - to live my life from that Divine space within, rather than reacting to events and people around me. Of course, I'm still very much a beginner, but I have a lot of hope because this is the first healthy practice (besides abstaining from mind-altering substances) that I've been able to commit to and practice on a daily basis. I am amazed, and I call it a miracle.

The first transition I'd like to write about is vocational, and it actually physically began happening back in May, when I enrolled in and completed a two-week course in Peer Support in order to become certified in Arizona to practice my profession as a Peer Support Specialist. I was a Certified Peer Specialist in Wisconsin for a couple of years until my relapse in 2018. I don't know what the future holds, but I do know that in this moment there is nothing I desire more to do vocationally than to support others in recovery from Substance Use Disorder and other mental health disorders. Last Friday I was offered a full-time position at West Yavapai Guidance Clinic, and I will start working there July 12th (a day before my natal birthday and 5 days before my one-year sobriety anniversary).

Today I turned in my letter of resignation to my store director where I'm currently employed. I don't like the connotations that go with 'resigning' or 'quitting', so I prefer to think of it as 'moving on', which it is. In that letter, I expressed my gratitude, and let him know that the job did much to heal my past and strengthen my future. That is not an understatement by any means. In one of my previous posts, I think I mentioned that the last time I was employed at a grocery store (in the 90's), I screwed the store over royally and screwed myself over by almost dying and suffering the consequences of going to prison. That particular incident, which is too long and gory to go into in detail, happened to be the last felony for which I was ever convicted (theft of greater than $25000). When I got the job at this grocery store, I knew it was a miracle, and I knew that I was being given an opportunity to at least partially make things right. If I can make it another 3 weeks, which I probably can, I will have made it through a job start to finish where I didn't steal anything from my employer, I did not miss a day of work, I was not written up for excessive tardies, and I made it from start to finish without taking a drink. That in itself is commendable, but really not uncommon for a person in recovery - my understanding is that we usually do perform well as sort of an overcompensation to low self-worth.

By the way, my current employer knows nothing of my past grocery history - it's too far gone (time does heal some wounds, which we'll see again in next post). So the work I did on myself while I was working there was known only to me and a couple individuals who are bound by confidentiality and HIPPA and such. This means that I was able to set standards for myself and live up to those standards by my own volition every time I went to work. So in answer to a question one might encounter in a job interview about what I accomplished at my previous job, I could say, "I didn't commit any gross misconduct and I was accountable only to myself." Uhm, that's kind of what normal people do, isn't it? Yes, yes it is - but for someone like me who has taken most of the wonderful opportunities in life I've been given and flushed them right down the shitter, it's nothing short of a miracle that I could do it and do it for myself. 

When I started this job, I started at minimum wage, which was way ok with me, because I was happy just to be working and I was elated that I was working in grocery. I received a substantial raise a few months ago, and I'm grateful that management showed me they appreciate me and my efforts. However, because I was able to break the cycle of depression that has dogged my entire life, I was able to give myself raises in self-esteem every day that I showed up and applied the work ethic that I was taught a decade ago - suit up, show up, do the best I can, do more than what I'm asked, don't complain, be a team player, and make helpful suggestions if needed. That's it. I didn't try to make anybody like me. I didn't try to enhance my  paycheck by taking what wasn't mine. And the results were I developed friendships at work, I earned respect, and I received an unexpected and generous raise. And most of all, I began to like and respect the person who was showing up for work every day. It didn't matter if I was helping customers, retrieving carts, stocking shelves, cleaning toilets, or doing whatever - I was living from my inner guidance, and it worked - every single day. (There were days that were difficult for me, and these were caused by my own mind, which is still sort of set to looking at what's wrong rather than what's right. It's getting better, and I was able to keep it in my head and not allow it to affect my behavior). 

I know from my own experience and the experience of others that if I am to remain in recovery, I must consistently grow and move forward. Those of us who have become complacent for any length of time usually experience relapse - either emotional relapse or full-blown using substances relapse. So I knew this job was temporary for me. Being of service to others and other aspects of my current job are not a challenge to me. My challenge was showing up as the person I wanted to be on a consistent basis. I've done that, and now it's time to move on to something more challenging - using my experience, strength, hope, and knowledge to support others in building a recovery they can live with. It's exciting and scary all at the same time, but nothing worthwhile is ever easy.

One final note for this post: I've been working in the dairy department at my store for the past few months. About a month ago, the dairy manager got fired for gross misconduct. I am (somewhat to my chagrin, because I don't like training people) training the new dairy manager. Why didn't I take the position? It would have given me great security until I decided to retire. Well, number one, for the reasons stated above - it's not enough of a challenge. But, as I mentioned, I'm learning to live life from the inside out - to live from that Divine spark that is within me (and you too!). In our world, security is a fleeting thing - anything can happen at anytime. I am learning to no longer look to the world and its people and things for security; I am learning that the security I seek is already within me, and I am learning each day to uncover and utilize the resources within. I hope I can empower and encourage others to do the same thing.

Namasté,

Ken

I Belong

This is the second in a series of posts about core beliefs I am challenging because they no longer serve me. The first is I Am Valuable. There is at least one more after this, or possibly two.

I belong. Growing up, I often felt as though I did not belong. I just felt like I did not fit in anywhere, including my family. When I was old enough to know what adopted meant, I thought I was. I'm not. I've heard similar reports from others who live with addiction and/or mental illness - they felt like they didn't fit in, they didn't belong, they were different, they were alien. I like the alien idea - that gives me hope that some day I'll be beamed up!

Humans reinforce what we believe. This is why change can be so difficult - our beliefs are like our appendages, and we don't let go of those easily! I reinforced the core belief of I don't belong in part by sabotaging anything good that came into my life - education, jobs, friendships, relationships, marriages, apartments...you name it, I somehow messed it up.

In 2013, when I moved to Waukesha to begin another cycle of recovery, I didn't get the feeling that I belonged there. I was, however, grateful that I was out of the town in which I lived previously. When I began my own business, I began to get the feeling that I belonged. I also liked the feeling that I was supporting myself, which is the opposite of my core belief that I'm unable to support myself. In 2015, my business stopped because my van stopped, and I didn't have the means to get it repaired. This event reinforced strongly the beliefs that I'm useless, I'm not good enough, and I don't belong.

After a miraculously brief relapse, I began treating both my alcoholism and my depression. I began adding recovery meetings that focused on mental health. I began getting into the community of people living with mental health disorders, and I once again started feeling that I belonged. And when I worked for NAMI-Waukesha, I found that I really belonged there - I felt appreciated, liked, and useful. I felt a part of the community of Waukesha as a whole because of my community involvement. After another relapse 3 years later, I was unable to generate the feeling that I do belong. I entered treatment after treatment after treatment. This is the cycle that ended July 17th, 2020, when I got sober for the last time.

In December 2019, I really got the vibe that I didn't belong in Wisconsin anymore, and I clumsily moved to Arizona. When I arrived in Arizona, I still needed help, and I got it. Generating the feeling that I belonged here was hampered by Covid-19 - I was unable to meet a lot of people because recovery meetings and churches closed face-to-face gatherings and went online. It's just not the same. However, I was able to feel like I might belong here due to lack of evidence that I didn't.

Nobody, absolutely nobody, has told me that moving to Arizona was a bad idea (the way I did it was very unskillful). I'm receiving state insurance and nutrition assistance. Nobody has told me that I'm a drain on the system; everybody I've met having to do with the assistance I'm receiving has been most helpful. (Because I'm making Arizona my home, I have a desire to in some way pay back what they've given me). I am surprised that I've not run into one person that told me I should get the heck out of Arizona. So I am building the belief that I do belong where I'm at due to lack of evidence that I don't belong. I've recently started working a real tax-paying job, and I've recently found another recovery fellowship that meets every day. Soon I will write about that.

The real absolute Truth of the matter is that I belong right where I'm at in this moment because I cannot be anywhere else but here. That's a big chunk to take on faith and digest, so I continue to recognize the evidence of my belonging, and continue to create more evidence by becoming involved in whatever way I can in the community.

There is one very important attribute that I must develop - I must begin to recognize and accept the signs the Universe supplies me to see when it's time to change. I need to be able to take the rudder of my own ship and steer it in the direction my intuition and other signs tell me to steer it. The way to develop the attribute of recognition is to stay in this moment as much as possible, and to meditate, which is listening to God. I've been told that a consistent meditation practice will yield positive results in being able to navigate life. I no longer need to create crises to create change.

Changing core beliefs takes time and practice. Something in me thinks that if I get a better idea that I can implement that in my life overnight. Not so; making real change is akin to steering an aircraft carrier. It might receive orders to make an 180 degree turn and go in that direction, but it takes a lot of time and energy to make that change. So I need to daily be mentally and spiritually present in my life to be able to go in the direction that is meant for me.

Namasté,

Ken

A Look at the Evidence

One of the tools of cognitive behavioral therapy is examining the evidence. Cognitive behavioral therapy teaches the client (me) about cognitive distortions, or thinking errors. People who live with addiction and/or depression/anxiety very often have a host of cognitive distortions that keep us in our sickness - modes of thinking that are habitual, so that we don't even know we're screwing ourselves with our own thinking. Our own thinking seems natural, and therefore correct (1st cognitive distortion). One of the great things about CBT is that after accepting my thinking is screwed up, and learning about how it's screwed up and how to avoid letting my messed up thinking inform my choices and behavior, I can practice this therapy on on my own.

An incident occurred yesterday that allowed me to practice examining the evidence. I was back at waving the sign for the home improvement company that owns the house in which I live. If you've missed earlier posts, I don't have a regular job yet - I advertise beside a busy highway for rent credit, and I work side (cash) jobs otherwise. So I was back at waving at cars yesterday, and I was a bit concerned that someone might think I was protesting something, since that's what's been going on in our country the past week or two. Yes, I know it's a stretch, but another thing that helps my less-than-rational thinking is shining the light on my inner bs. I had even come up with a line - "The only thing I'm protesting is the condition of your raggedy old house!" Another thing that had been concerning me was that my presence might distract someone and cause an accident, or that the wind might blow the sign out of my had into someone's windshield and cause an accident or damage a car. That last part is somewhat justified, as it can get very windy when I do this, and I have to work a little at not letting the wind take the sign away from me. 

But yesterday, something happened - the traffic slows where I stand due to traffic lights, and a jeep rear-ended a pickup truck right in front of me. Fortunately, nobody was injured, but both vehicles sustained damage. So here comes that worrisome thought, "My presence here is distracting enough to cause accidents." The cognitive distortion here, or the prevailing belief, is that I cause bad stuff to happen by my very presence. I can prove it - it just happened! And I began looking at the evidence - I have been doing this job for weeks - many hours, and many thousands of cars - without mishap. I stood at my post and continued to wave to cars while the fire department and police department came to check things out and clean it up. Neither the driver of the jeep or any of the occupants of the pickup truck told me I was responsible for the accident. None of the fire department personnel indicated I might be responsible, and none of the police that showed up came and questioned me about anything - I was standing there in plain view, and they ignored me! Over the weeks that I have been doing this job, members of every conceivable law enforcement agency have observed me doing what I'm doing, and, again, nobody has stopped and said I might be enough of a distraction to cause an accident. Now, I am enough of a distraction that several people have stopped at the business to inquire, so it's not like I'm invisible out there - quite the opposite. I'm just another normal distraction, like any other road sign or pedestrian. So the verdict is that the evidence does not support my contention that my mere presence caused an accident.

This is another example of how therapy done right at the right time can be extremely helpful later on. I've mentioned before that I was exposed to CBT in the 90's, but it didn't help me because I didn't believe anything was wrong with my thinking at the time, and I wasn't very open to having my views changed. In the 90's, I was the type of person that would run to a person or a facility for 'help', only to reject the help that was given. I didn't really want help; I wanted someone to take responsibility for my life and make me feel better. Today it's different, and each time I take responsibility for my thinking and actions and work to repair them, I grow a little bit.  I'm very thankful!

Namasté,

Ken

Lessons from Relapse - Desiring a Better Me

In May of 2015 I was at the lowest point in my life. I didn't have a life - it was all gone - and I had no hope of ever having a life again. So I started working on me.

In previous stabs at recovery, and there have been plenty, I've always desired a better life. We all want a better life - it's the American way! In previous recovery attempts, I would go about piecing my life together again - the job, the car, the apartment, the girlfriend/wife whatever. The problem with that is that I'm bringing the same director (me) to a different situation. We, or at least I, have a tendency to think of our lives in terms of what we have, rather than what or who we are. It really doesn't work that way. Whatever we, or at least I, have in my life ultimately is an outpicturing of what is inside of me. 

Jesus spoke of putting new wine into old wineskins, which doesn't work - the wineskins burst, spilling the wine. This is exactly what Jesus, who taught the Laws of the Universe, was talking about - changing our situation does not change us. If my way of thinking and doing isn't working now, whatever I try bringing into my life to make my life better will soon be lost. If I continually screw up jobs, getting a new job isn't going to help. If I continually screw up relationships, the problem is me, not the women I marry.

So when I got to my lowest point, where I was out of ideas (and money, and a job, and a place to live), I wasn't thinking of Jesus' teachings, I was just alive, and had nothing else to do but work on me.

I did not realize what was happening until after it was happening. I went to treatment, and I listened and talked honestly. I went to therapy, and learned CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) which showed me where my thinking was flawed. I began to take different actions than I did in the past. I began to look at myself and life in different ways than I had in the past. I began to realize what was happening when good things started coming into my life without me going after them as I had in the past. I got a place to live rather than being homeless. I got a job, then I got a decent job, and then I got two even better jobs that I didn't even apply for - all because I was paying attention to what was going on with me, what was happening in my head, and what was coming out of me.

I began to learn to live life from the inside out rather than the outside in. I began to judge my life not by what I had, but by what was going on inside of me. And the outside began looking better pretty much by itself. I of course took the actions I needed to take - paying my rent, paying my bills, going to work - but I was no longer attempting to direct what when on outside of me. I was learning to direct what was going on inside.

So, in order to change my life, which is again nothing more than a mirror of what's going on within, I work on changing me, instead of figuring out how to manipulate what's going on around me. It's actually much simpler.

I used to run my life like a person who drives a car while looking only at the rearview mirror. As you might expect, I had lots of crashes. So I must understand that if I have crashed, or ended up in a place that I really didn't want to be, then I must have had my attention directed to a place that wasn't serving me well.

This relapse has shown me that I still have work to do inside of me. In order to find out what that might be, I will open myself to accepting more help, and more guidance. I will get back to a beginner's mind, so that I can see more possibilities than I saw before.

Each day is a new opportunity to become a more skillful, mindful, conscious person than the person I was yesterday. When I set that as my primary goal, a good life naturally follows.

Namasté,

Ken

What's Right

Following is a post I made to a Facebook group to which I belong called the Gratitude Circle:

I am grateful that I know how to raise my vibe w/out the use of alcohol or drugs. Sometimes I still have trouble feeling 'grateful', and today was one of those days. I felt stuck in 'what's wrong'. So I wrote a list about what's right:
I am alive
I am sober and sane
I am healthy
I am employed
I have a nice home
I have friends
I have choices
I am in charge of my focus
I have tools I can use to uplift me and others...
and the list goes on. So after I wrote the list and realized all the things that are right with me, I realized that I felt gratitude again, and, the the things that are 'wrong' fell into the background.

The Gratitude Circle is a daily opportunity to share and expand gratitude with others around the world. Today, and maybe lately, I found it difficult to post because I wasn't feeling gratitude. My mind was focused on what's 'wrong' with the world and my seeming powerlessness to affect anything.

I know from my own experience that when the gratitude cup is empty, it's empty! I knew I needed to raise my vibration (emotional state) up a few notches, but was finding it difficult. So I did just what I stated in the post - I didn't write a gratitude list, I wrote a What's Right list, with all the things that are going well in my life. By the time I got done with it, my vibe was raised, and I was feeling gratitude again.

The world didn't change, I did.

The ego can be a tricky thing - it likes to think that it has much more control over things than it actually does. I am a powerful being, as I believe we all are; however, when I put my focus on the things I can't change, rather than what I can, my power is wasted, and I feel discouraged and depleted. 

There is a great deal I can do to effect change in this world, but it begins with me. My strength comes from my relationship with my Higher Power, so I must put that relationship first. When I am peaceful inside, and grateful and receptive, I can allow my Higher Power to direct my actions where they will do the most good. 

I have the understanding today that each of us in our own way has the ability to make the world a better place to live. I also know that to the degree I allow healing to take place in me, the world has improved by that degree as well, because I am a part of this world. I can and do make a difference.

Namasté,

Ken

Trauma Informed Living

I feel compelled to begin this post by mentioning that I am not perfect. For the past few years, I have been endeavoring to live my life using new (to me) ideas that seem better than the old ideas by which I used to live. I have yet to practice to perfection anything about which I write. I have an inner sense of the Truth, that which is Perfect Principle, and once in a while that seems to come out in practice. Most of the time, I am simply feeling my way, day by day, to a better experience of life, and sharing much of that journey in this blog. So there ya have it.

When I re-entered human services as a vocation, I began learning about Trauma Informed Care. It is the latest vogue in helping those in need of help, and it prescribes an attitude and a way of working with others to be more effective and, essentially, more humane. The previous model was more of a medical model, in which we asked, "What's wrong with this person," and "What can we do to fix it?" (or what can we do to make this disagreeable symptom we see go away). In Trauma Informed Care, we recognize that every human being has experienced trauma of one sort or another in their lives, and that maladaptive behavior patterns and coping mechanisms often are derived from these traumas. So, instead of looking at the behavior, we begin to look for what might have caused this behavior to become a coping mechanism for this individual.

Trauma Informed Care is much more of a solution-oriented way of assisting clients, one that involves looking at the whole person, not just the 'presenting problem' or issue. There are 5 guiding principles for practicing Trauma Informed Care - Safety, Trustworthiness & Transparency, Choice, Collaboration and Mutuality, Empowerment. After learning about Trauma Informed Care, I decided it would be good for me to use this model not only with the people I serve, but for everybody with whom I have contact. I also noticed that the principles closely align with spiritual principles that I also practice. In the following paragraphs, I am going to outline how I practice these principles in life.

The first thing for me to understand is that everybody's got something going on. No matter what appearances tell me, every human being has issues they are dealing with, and these issues are no better nor worse than mine. They're just different, and usually hidden. Without this understanding, it's way too easy for me to become judgmental about the well-groomed man in line at the store who is chewing out a clerk for shorting him a dime. There's a lot more going on there than "He's just a privileged, snooty asshole." People who feel pretty good about themselves, no matter their station in life, don't find it necessary to try to make others feel less-than. So, when I see one human being hurting another, or themselves, I do well to understand that the one doing the hurting has been hurt themselves. It's hard to do some days, but this mode of thinking is more conducive to better living than holding the belief that the world is filled with assholes.

The first principle is safety. How safe does the person with whom I'm interacting feel around me? As you might imagine, there are many factors affecting this. There are only two that I have control over - my actions, and my awareness that there are factors affecting the other person's perceptions of which I am probably unaware. Something I understand today of which I used to be totally unaware is that my mere presence as a 55 year-old caucasian male might be threatening to someone else, depending upon their upbringing and previous life experiences. Does this mean I have to interview everybody I meet to determine whether or not they feel I'm a threat? Not at all. What it does mean is that I don't have to add to anybody's issues. If someone is hostile or acts strangely around me, I don't have to take it personally, and I don't have to do anything about it. In fact, if I don't do anything about it, I might be helping their issue by being a contradiction to their outlook that "all old white men are assholes." So the whole thing about safety is letting someone be who they are without feeling threatened or attacked and without feeling the need to defend myself. And, if I am feeling hostile or irritated going into a situation, I do not need to show it, or maybe I don't need to be going into that situation until I'm more grounded.

The next principle is trustworthiness and transparency. In dealing with others, I endeavor to be honest and not hide things. I need to tell the truth, even if it's something that bothers me. I need to refrain from gossip, and to keep what others tell me confidential. I need to do this because everybody in life has been involved with someone who has betrayed their trust, and every person they meet who does it again re-injures that person. I need to be the person someone meets or is friends with who can be trusted. And I need to endeavor to do that all the time with all people. This builds my own self-esteem, and reduces the likelihood that I will hurt someone with my word, my action, or my inaction. Trust and transparency build good relationships, good connections, and good connections are healing connections.

Choice is the next principle. In my professional life, it means that I do not force my will onto another person. Each person with whom I work has the choice to follow suggestions or to not follow them. Of course, choice should be informed, but, ultimately, each individual has the right to make their own choices. The same goes for life. There is nobody in my life upon whom I force my will. Taking people's right of choice away is called oppression and enslavement, and neither one of those is a human right. Additionally, it just doesn't work. I'm grateful that I've never gotten off over having power over another person (real or imagined), but I see around me the effects on those people who feel oppressed by other people or institutions. Nobody has to like me; nobody has to respect me. I earn respect by the way I speak, behave, and carry myself. If I feel disrespected, it's my feeling that I have to deal with. I may wish to speak to the person who I feel has disrespected me, but, in the end, it's my problem, not theirs. I also understand that people make choices in their lives that I might not understand or agree with; however, nobody, absolutely nobody, has to live in a certain way to please me. I can always choose to try to understand why someone makes a certain choice, or, I can let it go. To be very honest, I still have an initial pre-judgment when I meet someone; however, practicing this principle allows me to get past that judgment and discover the person underneath. 

Collaboration and mutuality again is about honoring the rights of the individual, but it's also about more - it's about validating another's feelings, wishes, opinions, and choices. It's about listening. It's about understanding. It's about humility, in that I don't want to take the position that I know better for someone than they do for themselves. It's about understanding that life is a two-way street, and I don't want to be a Hummer going the wrong way. It's about me feeling secure enough in my own being to allow others to express themselves freely. It's about knowing my own Truth, so that others may discover theirs. 

The fifth principle is empowerment. At work, I meet a lot of people who have what we call 'learned helplessness.' Some people get to a point where they really can't do anything on their own. This is not a result of Trauma Informed Care - it's a result of someone having their humanity and individuality stripped away from them because of their illness. I was headed down that road, and I endeavor to help myself and others, whether at work or not, recognize that everyone is powerful. Every human being is born with power, and, through life's lessons, either learns to accept or deny their own power. I can point to most of the lessons I learned that taught me I was a useless waste of oxygen that would be better off dead. It took me a long, long time to understand and accept that my perception is NOT the Truth about me. I don't want anyone to ever feel about themselves the way I felt about myself. I'm learning, and it is a constant lesson, how to help others elevate themselves. Much dis-empowerment is done with good but misguided intention. I mentioned in a post a few months ago that I learned that doing something for someone that they are capable of doing themselves sends the subconscious message of "I'm doing this for you because you can't." Empowering others, rather than being disempowering, takes wisdom, patience and faith.

So, maybe you can see why I like these principles. They really invite connection with and understanding between people. They challenge me to look for the good and the strengths in others. They challenge me to put down some of my long held beliefs, and they sometimes make me feel uncomfortable. I have to possess and practice a certain amount of vulnerability and humility in order to let others be who they truly are. However, my life is vastly more interesting and enriched when I practice the belief that the Universe is expressing itself through each and every one of us and when I allow life to unfold as the Universe sees fit rather than how I see fit. Treating others in a way which is not harmful or belittling to them is one part of this; the bigger part is giving them a space to flourish as they were intended to flourish.

Namasté

Ken

Stigma Revisited

First impressions can be lasting. They don't have to be, but, sometimes they are. I continue to discover the cognitive distortions (thinking errors) in which I engage that need to be corrected, or adjusted. Usually the problem with a cognitive distortion, as the term implies, is that there is some element of truth in every thought - it's just that I've distorted it, for whatever reason. I think that most often cognitive distortions are assumptions and suppositions that are applied too broadly, or sometimes too permanently.

I have heard that alcoholism is a disease of perception, and I know that major depressive disorder is as well. For me, I can take a grain of truth and create a beach of misery. A great deal of my recovery involves discovering my distortions, accepting that I have them and operate by them, and practicing moving my thinking toward something more workable in my life. It's a lot of work for me. A half-century of bad thinking habits doesn't get turned around in one day, just because I realize my thinking sucks. I had to have a lot of help in the beginning, and sometimes still need help to see where my thinking is tripping me up - creating less-than-desirable results in my life.

So what does all this have to do with stigma? As I've mentioned once or twice before, the default for the human brain is auto-pilot. It's a mechanism designed to protect us, so that we don't have to consciously repeat our thinking every time we see a snake <DANGER!>. It's a good mechanism, very protective, but it's not always true. We may get scared by things that look like a snake - a gnarled stick, for instance. We might decide that anything with scales is bad for us, and transfer our fear of snakes onto harmless fish. According to the first thing that came up when I Googled it, stigma is "a mark of disgrace associated with a particular circumstance, quality, or person." I can stigmatize myself, and have often done so, and I can stigmatize others.

I attended a class a few days ago, and learned some more about the human brain, which, big surprise, really interests me. The brain is a hugely complex organ, even more complex than what I had previously thought. It seems a miracle to me that we don't have more breakdowns. But what struck me is this: Our two most noticeable organs our body has are our skin (yes, the skin is an organ) and our brain. The skin, because it's our clothing - it's what people see about us - and our brain, because the workings of our brain show up in our speech and behavior. So, if to the beholder, someone's skin looks different than our own, or their behavior is different than we expect, the beholder's little reptilian brain can go into yellow or even red alert. If we see somebody who appears or behaves outside of our 'normal' range, we take notice. It happens naturally.

There are lots of types of stigma, but here, I'll focus on appearances and behavior. Many years ago, my very first real job was at a sheltered workshop for developmentally disabled adults. Now, many people with a developmental disability (what used to be called mental retardation) have physical appearances outside the norm. Let's pick on folks born with Down Syndrome, a disorder caused by a chromosomal mutation before birth. People who live with down syndrome are often mildly to moderately developmentally delayed. Physically, "A few of the common physical traits of Down syndrome are low muscle tone, small stature, an upward slant to the eyes, and a single deep crease across the center of the palm – although each person with Down syndrome is a unique individual and may possess these characteristics to different degrees, or not at all. (https://www.ndss.org/about-down-syndrome/down-syndrome) [emphasis added]. The very first thought someone might have when they encounter a person with Down Syndrome is, "They're different." Stigma starts when the person who has that thought never bothers to think past that first thought. Stigma continues on when the person attaches a judgment to their first thought - "they're different, so they're bad (or dangerous, or stupid, or evil, etc)." The disgrace of being born with Down Syndrome. That's stigma - attaching a negative judgment to someone, most often for something over which they have no control.

So often folks are pre-judged base on the condition with which they live, not on their behavior. To get past the initial thought, one very often has to get to know someone - to sit down and talk with someone, and listen, and work at understanding. One has to look past the outer appearance, and past the brain, to see who is really in there. It takes time, it takes patience, it takes intention, it takes effort. Mother Teresa said she saw Jesus in everyone she met. In order for her to do that, she had to look. She had to put forth the effort, because most of the people she dealt with were sick and impoverished. 

I love people today that years ago I would have avoided. But the truth for me is that for years and years I only judged myself by my skin, my gender, and my brain. I felt ugly, I learned growing up that men were bad, so I was bad, and my brain surely didn't work right at all. It's no wonder I wanted to die. When I was given the opportunity to challenge my thinking and my beliefs, I began to see a Ken that I had never known. I began to see a multi-talented, kind, caring individual who really does have a pretty big heart, once all the calcium was chipped away. And I began to know that I am more than my looks, I'm more than my gender, and I'm more than my brain, and I began to become ok with all of me. I don't know if I started with me, or with other people, but I also began the scary and challenging work of getting to know others beyond their labels. And I stopped being so afraid of people. I began to see that, as we say in NAMI, we have more similarities than differences.

Here's the spiritual part of all of this - spirituality is about developing the ability to see and believe beyond appearances. It's about looking for the universal Truth that we are all children of a loving and benevolent Universe, and discovering that Truth in ourselves and others, and then living that Truth. We are all connected; that is why what I give out returns to me. So I seek to know you, the real you, underneath your human shell, because in getting to know you, I also get to know me, and I get to know God.

Namasté

Ken

Remnants, Symptoms, & Actions

Years ago, during my first treatment for alcoholism, I completed the MMPI - the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory. It is an exhaustive questionnaire designed to determine what mental health issues a person may have. From the results, I was diagnosed with Schizoid Personality Disorder. As I look back on that, I wonder why nothing was ever recommended for that. I didn't do any counseling or anything to address that. Anyway, some of the symptoms are social isolation, a lack of close friends, a limited range of emotions, and an avoidance of relationships. There's more, but that about covers it, except that one of the symptoms is also lack of knowledge that there's anything wrong. 

I am fortunate today that I no longer suffer from alcoholism, major depressive disorder, or schizoid personality disorder. I still have them, but in recovery I don't suffer from them, and this is the distinction. The symptoms of my disorders no longer rule my life.

I did not actively attempt to recover from SPD (schizoid personality disorder). I believe that my attempts at recovery from alcoholism overrode the main symptoms of SPD, as much of recovery from alcoholism involves doing things that are opposite the symptoms of SPD. Much of alcoholism/addiction recovery, and I believe recovery from mental health disorders, revolves around taking actions that we don't necessarily feel like doing.

And this is one of the ways I know I'm in recovery - not necessarily by how I feel, but what I am doing. Am I doing something today that makes me feel uncomfortable? Good! If I do only the things with which I feel comfortable, I won't stay in recovery. 

My mornings have gotten a lot better, but every day when I wake up, I still would feel more comfortable staying in bed than getting up and facing the day. That is a remnant of major depressive disorder. It becomes a symptom again if I actually stay in bed and miss work or something else I have planned for the day. 

I don't much care for social events, and I feel  that I could live without them. This is a remnant of SPD, and possibly alcoholism. It becomes a symptom again if I avoid social events which would be good for me. 

I get uncomfortable when I feel myself getting close to someone. This is a remnant of SPD. It becomes a symptom when I actively avoid opportunities presented to me to develop friendships.

The list goes on and on, but I define my recovery more on what I'm doing than by what I'm feeling. In this way, my focus is on healthy things, not on symptoms. One of the laws of the Universe is that that which I focus on increases. So, for instance, if I focus on the feeling I have every morning that I'd rather stay in bed, I'm going to have a lot more difficulty actually getting up. If I change my focus in the morning to the benefits of getting out of bed, like keeping my job and getting paid and eating and having a home, then that's what happens, and the desire to stay in bed dissipates. I can recall days past in which all day long my desire was to go back to bed. I no longer have that. 

I don't mind the remnants anymore. I've come to accept that I may still feel these unhealthy things - the blessing is that today, I know I can take healthy actions that are different than what I'm feeling. In this way, my unhealthy feelings no longer determine how I show up today.

By the way, if the day ever comes where I am 100% happy with me and my life, and I never feel anything negative or think about unhealthy things, please be assured that I will let you know!

Namaste,

Ken

What I Get When I Open My Mind

I used to not believe what I could not understand. This is kind of the way humans are, I think. But I took it one step further - because my thinking was so right, if I couldn't understand it, it wasn't understandable. I did not seek to understand; I didn't even seek to accept.

For instance, if anybody ever saw any good in me, either they were lying or I had them fooled. This kind of attitude makes for very short relationships, and by relationships, I mean all kinds - friendships, romantic relationships, jobs, etc. If you thought I was a decent person, you were either lying or delusional, because deep down, I knew I wasn't a decent person. I wasn't the kind of person that had anything that was likable or any sort of skill that was useful to anyone. 

This belief in my innate badness is very much a shame-based belief. It was so strong that it persisted despite much evidence to the contrary. Most people (I think) think they are pretty good people who occasionally make mistakes or do bad things. My perception of me was that I was basically a bad person who occasionally did good things. 

In my opinion, it is impossible to stay in recovery and keep this attitude. Or, it is impossible to keep this belief and stay in recovery. It is also impossible, in my experience, to keep this shame based attitude and have a healthy relationship with God. 

I will not say that I presently have the best attitude or belief about myself that I could have, but it's better than it used to be. I'm finally beginning to see that there are steps in between the alpha of desperately sick and the omega of perfectly healthy, much like there are steps to acceptance. 

I saw a bumper sticker a few years back that said, "Don't believe everything you think." Good advice! As I've mentioned in previous posts, the human brain is set up to jump to conclusions. It takes effort (plus a little insight) for most folks to move past their first thought. But lazy thinking isn't my only problem. It is the tip of the iceberg. My problem is the thoughts and perceptions generated from a lifetime of thinking that I'm a piece of breathing, walking shit. The change in my thinking must come from my depths - surface change isn't lasting change.

So here's how this whole scenario used to show up for me: I would get some opportunity that would give me hope that I had some kind of chance at having an enjoyable life. Because I had this great opportunity and some hope, I could avoid doing the things that were majorly self-destructive, like drinking. But the change was only on the surface. Because I knew so much, or maybe because I was too afraid to let anybody in on who I thought I really was, I did not go after the deeper stuff - the beliefs. When I was young, I didn't even know that I had no self-esteem, or shame-based beliefs, or any of that shit. The way I felt about myself was as natural as my hair color or my eye color. It was me. 

When I began to recognize that maybe, perhaps I don't process life like everybody else, I did not seek to understand what was different - I simply tried to suppress that difference. Because I'm smarter than everybody else, you see.

So I would cycle. About every two years (sometimes longer, if I had a prison sentence - that seemed to help in a strange way) I would crash. I would start drinking again, quit my job, abandon my domicile, quit my marriage or my relationship, and jump head-first into self-destruction. Until somebody stopped me and gave me some hope. It got to the point where I hated getting hopeful again, because I knew I was in for another disappointment down the road.  This used to be my life. Crash and burn, get some hope, do well for a couple of years, crash and burn.

What's different? A little over four years ago, after a crash and burn, I resolved to become authentic. I knew I was a big fake, and I knew I couldn't recover unless I became authentic. So I started down that path. Started. I was in a relatively safe place to be me, whoever the heck that was. But after I left that place, I reverted to Mr. Sobriety and went about making my millions, rather than allowing more healing to take place. So, after nearly two years, I crashed and burned again - the last crash and burn.

I still needed to practice authenticity, but I also needed to keep recovery first. And that I have been doing. But what was the change? I think I've mentioned it before, in different ways - I've basically run out of f^&#$ to give. I no longer care about if someone finds out who I really am. I no longer care if I make a million or if I don't. I don't even really give a good goddamn if anybody likes me or not. And when I dropped those prereqs to recovery, lo and behold, I began to get better. Bit by bit, I began to heal.

So what happened to the belief that I'm basically a pile of shit who occasionally manages not to stink? In addition to letting go of what I thought others might think of me, I began to let go of what I thought of myself. I began to put less stock in my own thinking. I began to see if maybe others weren't right when they said I was a decent human being with a something to offer. And the results of this inquiry - perhaps call it "Maybe Ken doesn't know everything" - have led to some amazing discoveries. 

The biggest discovery is I'm not the person I believe I am. I sure don't know who I am, but I'm not the waste of oxygen I once thought I was. Being relieved of that underlying belief has made sobriety a lot easier, and it has made recovery from depression possible.

I saw myself on videotape last night. Twice in the past couple of weeks I've had occasion to speak at some meetings at city hall. I was fishing around the city website, and came across recordings of those meetings. I was surprised at what I saw when I was on tape. Here was a gentleman who wasn't ugly - looked pretty normal to me - and said what he had to say in a nice and interesting manner. I knew that was me, but part of me didn't recognize me. I'm used to public speaking, and I like doing it, probably because I'm often talking about myself, and I seem to be received well. During these two meetings I did not know I was being videotaped, so it wasn't like I was doing anything for the camera - I was just doing what I do. It's like writing for me - it just comes out. Yet I thought it was funny that I really didn't recognize myself. And I'm grateful, because it shows me that my perception is still not on target. I need to know that, because every once in a while I dip back into shitville.

I'll mention one other amazing thing before I close - and this is very important: Because other people took the time to acknowledge and support the good they saw in me, I can now see the good in others who perhaps find it difficult to see themselves. This is one of the greatest gifts I've ever, ever received - to not only see myself differently, but to see others in a different light as well (Cyndi Lauper's 'True Colors' is bouncing through my head now). 

I've heard this for the past 25 years - my perception creates my reality, not the other way around. And I'm just beginning to manifest this truth. When I toss away my first thought about anything and allow something better to take its place, I start to get better and my world gets better.

Namaste,

Ken

Mindfulness and Change

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but the light bulb has to really want to change.

A few days ago, I posted this statement to Facebook: "The only thing that makes change difficult is my resistance to it." My resistance may come in the form of something outside of myself, like a lack of education, or a physical addiction, or where I live, or how much money I have. However, ultimately, I am the one responsible for my own change. And how do I change? By changing the hardest thing in the world to change - my thinking and my beliefs.

If we've never changed a belief in our life, then 100% of the beliefs we operate by were given to us by someone else - our parents or guardians, and the people important to us growing up.  Our beliefs determine our perceptions of life - this is good, that is bad, this is right, that is wrong, this is safe, that isn't. But sometimes we test our beliefs, often because we see someone doing something we believe is harmful or wrong, but they look like they're enjoying it. Drinking is a prime example. There are people who have become alcoholic who grew up in a home where alcohol was never once used. They may have even been warned away from alcohol. But they join the Navy, because they learned that's the patriotic thing to do, and they saw all of their buddies drinking on liberty in Manila, and they thought, "Well, maybe one won't hurt." And if one doesn't hurt, and they have a little fun, their belief regarding alcohol will probably start to change. 

Most of us don't hang on to all of the beliefs with which we were programmed, but we do hang onto many. Sometimes they're not beliefs that really help us - sometimes we have gender role beliefs that don't really go with the yearning of our soul. Perhaps a man loves to cook, but he has a belief that men don't cook, and that's why they get married. Men hunt, women fix the food. So he never enjoys cooking, because (to him) it defies his manliness. Perhaps a girl really enjoys football, and yearns to play, but 'girls don't do contact sports', so she never experiences football in the flesh.

Sometimes the beliefs we hold cause us so much inner pain that we seek change. Often, we look for change outside of ourselves. For instance, I used to feel so bad about myself - low self-esteem - that I sought approval from others. I could get it, but it didn't last and I could never get enough (sounds a little like alcohol!) When I finally realized that only I could give me self-esteem, I began taking the actions that I thought a person with good self-esteem would take - basically, I began being responsible for myself. Then I began to change my thinking about myself, and my perceptions of myself began to change, and now my beliefs about myself are beginning to change. But I have to be mindful of what I'm thinking and what I'm doing. Being mindful at its most basic simply means - paying attention.

Another thing I had to do was momentarily suspend my disbelief. When I began recovery, I knew nothing would work for me. However, because I was in so much pain, I was willing to suspend that belief, if only for a few minutes at a time, to take different actions. Little by little, bit by bit, by thinking and my beliefs began to change. It definitely is not an overnight process.

I would like to share a real-life example of why change can be so difficult: My father answered the phone every time it rang - even if it was a number that was unknown to him. As he got to his last years, he got fewer and fewer legitimate calls. I assisted him nearly the last 4 years of his life, and I tried to get him to not answer the phone unless he knew who was calling (nowadays, I don't try to help someone change unless they want to). My father passed away when he was 86 or 87, so you know there wasn't going to be much changing going on. But here's the picture about the phone thing. Back when my father was growing up, if his family had a phone, it would have been a luxury. More than likely, the town he grew up in had only a few phones, and people would have shared. Also, each time someone used the phone, they had to pay. So you knew if you got a call, it must be important. Additionally, there weren't answering machines. You either took the call or you missed it. Answering machines really didn't come into popular use until the 80's (that's 1980, for my younger reader), and my father was in his fifties in the 80's. So that's a long habit of answering the phone every time it rang with the belief that the call must be important, and that behavior won't change unless given a good enough reason to do so. 

Many people will do an outer change without making an inner change simply because the society around them is changing, and it's more expedient to go along with the flow than to continue on in their behavior. An example of this would be if a woman who loved telling sexist and racist jokes at work learned that her company instituted a new policy whereby the jokes she loved were now forbidden at work. She could probably, for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, conform her behavior to meet her company's expectations, so long as the job was worth it to her. Nothing has changed inside. She doesn't respect men or people who look different than her any more than she used to; now she just doesn't show it. She will probably continue her behavior outside of work, never giving it another thought.

True change takes mindfulness, because human beings naturally resist change (see one of my earlier posts about the way the human brain operates to protect us). Welcoming change or even understanding the benefits of change is a form of higher thinking. But, again, because our beliefs and our habits are deeply rooted neural pathways in our brains, real change takes more than just the desire to change.

The resistance to change comes when I become mindful of my obstacles to change, which, at first glance, are usually my thoughts. I do control my thoughts to a great extent, so I don't have to let any one thought pattern control me. But if I've made a physical or behavioral change, and it's not sticking due to repeated thought patterns, then I must look more deeply than just my thinking. And this is where the real resistance comes up, because I have to begin to look at my beliefs, or my subconscious. Beliefs can be not only mentally difficult to change, but biologically difficult as well. Some beliefs we hold are called defense mechanisms, and we have them because at one time they served us - we needed them, they protected us. They are wired into us biologically, so when we start poking around at them, we start getting symptoms like anxiety.

For instance, I hate conflict. I will go out of my way to avoid conflict. I will pay money to avoid conflict. I will do things I don't necessarily want to do to avoid conflict. If two people are arguing around me, I feel great anxiety, and I want to leave, to escape. Avoiding conflict is an old defense mechanism from way back. I no longer need it. Today I'm safe. But because I haven't yet worked on that defense mechanism, it's still there. When I do get to work on it, this is what I will need to do:

When involved in a conflict situation with another person, I must physically calm myself, probably by breathing, even perhaps by temporarily removing myself from the situation to calm down. Then I must reassure myself with some pre-planned self talk to let me know that I'm ok and this is ok and I am safe. Then I must engage and try to peacefully and reasonably resolve the conflict. And then, I must tell myself that I survived it. Repeat probably 20 or 30 times, and I'll have changed my belief about conflict, and it will no longer engage my automatic autonomic fight or flight reaction.

I haven't worked through this one yet because I haven't gotten a big enough carrot; I do, however, see it on the horizon. I've experienced so much change and growth over the past 4 years that I now expect more to come. I've still got a lot of stuff hanging in there that I can get rid of.

But the point is that the more I allow change to occur in my life, the easier it gets for me to let it happen. My resistance drops much more quickly than it used to because I'm reaping the vast benefits of positive progressive change. I used to live in a pretty small and narrow world. I suffered. I choose to no longer suffer, but, in order to avoid suffering, I must  accept some temporary but beneficial pain.

If you've made it this far with me, God bless you! I just learned today some ways to make desired change a little more palatable, and if I implement these methods, I'll let you know how it turns out. 

Namaste,

Ken

Courage to Be Who I Am

For so many years - over 1/2 a century, really - I lived from the deep seated, but very incorrect, belief that I am not good enough. A better way to put it is that this belief informed my life - my thoughts, my feelings, my actions. If I wasn't trying to prove to everybody that I was good enough, then I was wallowing in self-pity, depression, and active alcoholism.

I began learning a 'new' way to look at myself, others, and life about 23 years ago. I'm a slow learner. I'm a slow applicator. I catch on fairly quickly, but the great wall of inferiority, reinforced by addiction and mental illness, made applying these principles very difficult. (Fortunately, if one lives long enough, alcoholism/addiction defeats itself - the 'host' becomes so desperately sick and bankrupt that s/he must break free or die). Anyway, the basics of New Thought remind me of who I am and my place in the Universe - I am a spiritual being having a human experience. As a spiritual being, or, child of God, I have all of the attributes of my Creator. I am connected to all life everywhere. There is One Power that creates and flows through the Universe, and that Power is Love. All else is false, not real. Because I am a child of the Universe, a part of, I can never be anything else. The Universe lives through me (and everyone else) no matter what the appearances are, so I cannot 'fail'. I cannot be a failure, substandard, less than.

There is a lot more to all of this, of which I'm constantly learning and growing to a deeper understanding. This New Thought prompts me to question my 'reality'. Most of my life, my reality has been, "I suck, life sucks," and I made the best of it by finding ways to escape life, or to escape the consequences of life. I'm working on doing a 180, to the point where I can love life and love myself (and, it goes to follow, love everybody else). That 180 degree turn does not happen overnight. I liken it to turning an aircraft carrier around to go in the opposite direction. Anybody who has ever driven a boat knows that it's nearly impossible to turn a boat on a dime, and the bigger the boat, the more time it takes and the more room one needs.

So changing me at my core involves finding every thought and correcting every action that is not in line with the way I now want to be going. I expect it to take a lifetime!

What has to come first? For me, I had to challenge the assertion that I was a piece of shit. Seeing a cutesie poster hanging that says, "God made me and God don't make junk" didn't do it for me. I had to prove to myself that I am a valuable human being (as opposed to trying to con everyone around me into believing I'm a valuable human being). The way I began to do this was (and still is) to throw caution to the wind and present to the real world the real me, cracks and all.  And the result of this practice is this - the more authentically I show up in the world, it seems the more good people come into my life and the more good I'm able to do. Go figure! This goes exactly against everything I've ever believed about me. So, every time I practice authenticity, every time I face life rather than trying to escape it, I chip away at that belief that I'm not good enough.

This is not easy. It is still a challenge, mainly because I still have a belief that I must have everybody's approval. This is definitely an impossible belief - as I grow in understanding of Who I Am, and as I live from that understanding, there will be people who do not approve. My understanding of myself and life will threaten some people who have a different understanding, even when my understanding will make no negative impact on their lives. My understanding actually threatens a comfortable (but mediocre) belief system that many others prefer to cling to. So, I have to throw the need for approval from others out the window and move towards self-approval. Not an easy task!

This is why I do this: I've seen a quote somewhere that goes something like this - "Someone asked my why I've chosen this path, and I asked, "What makes you think I see another?" I do see other paths to take, but none of them are acceptable to me today. I see the path of suicide - I don't want to do that today. I see the path of substance use in order to live without really living - doesn't work for me anymore. I see the path of material acquisition - kinda been there, done that - doesn't work for me anymore either. So what I'm left with is becoming more of me. 

I hope that my living the way I do gives others courage to be real. Underneath all of our very human, fear-based beliefs is a bright shining light that is beautiful and good. Each day I'm able to perceive it and feel it a little bit more, both in me, you, and life.

Namaste,

Ken