This isn't a post about what I've been doing since June 21st, the date I last published a post; however, I will probably explore some of that. We'll see. This is a post about me and a post I read earlier today on Facebook. I can no longer find it, but it declared that not too many people will notice the healing work I'm doing, but to continue it anyway. It's important, and it does make a difference in my life, the world, and in the Universe. Ok, you can stop reading now if you want because that's the main point, or you can continue on if you have a minute - there is some more good stuff further on.
One of the mal-adaptive behaviors I developed was approval seeking. It's ok to desire being appreciated, but if I need to be appreciated for me to love myself or even be ok with myself, that's a problem. One of the reasons it's a problem is that it's not your job to appreciate me or approve of the things I'm doing or the things I've accomplished; if you do, you do, if you don't, you don't. However, that's not good enough for me. If I need your approval or appreciation to keep going, I'm going to do things that go against my self - things that impugn my integrity. I've spent a lot of time and energy during my life trying to be and do what I thought you wanted me to be and do. It has only been in the past 7 years that I've been endeavoring to show up as my authentic self; I've made progress, and I'm still working on it.
The other reason that expecting approval or appreciation from you is a problem is that anywhere from 50% of the time to 100%, I'm going to be disappointed. Unreasonable expectations often lead to resentment, depression, and even self-loathing. My "I'm not good enough" belief becomes active, and when this happens, I'm sliding down the road to relapse.
This reminds me of a recent adventure. I went on a long (30 mile) bike ride. When going on a long ride, it is good to check that the bicycle is in good working condition and that I have everything I need. Well, things looked fine, so I took off - without adjusting my brakes. I have disc brakes on my bike, and I love them, but, on a bike, they need to be adjusted a little more often than other kinds of brakes. My brakes are fine for city driving; however, I discovered that they were not ok for driving in the country, where I will encounter steep grades and attain speeds above 20 mph. So anyway, I'm going down this hill at about 30 mph, and I went around the curve. In front of me were stoplights regulating the intersection of the road I was on and Arizona highway 89A. So I squeezed both brakes (front and back) as hard as I could, and I knew right away that I wasn't going to be able to stop before the intersection. My choices were to hope for no traffic and turn right onto 89A, or use my right foot. I was wearing my new Merrell hikers, and I stomped my right foot down on the ground. Immediately I smelled burning rubber. With my foot on the ground, I was able to stop in time, and make a mental note to adjust my brakes next time. Anyway, the analogy here is the road to relapse - it's downhill, and the brakes are my coping skills and interventions I've learned to prevent relapse. If my skills are weak or if I don't use them at all, I will go head-on into active relapse, which in my case is drinking and suicidal ideation. (By the way, my shoes are fine - plenty of rubber left.)
Ok, back to the main topic. What's been happening to me since July 17th has been lots of "aha" moments - revelations and insights about what I need to be doing in order to get well. Some of these I've shared with others, some I haven't. The insights and inspiration I've received have been for me. They are precisely directed at my situation, my journey. They may or may not help anybody else. Because they are specifically for me, I may not get some of the recognition I think I deserve, and this is where I get tripped up - one of the patterns of my life has been to abstain from engaging in healthy activities for myself that nobody else will see or care about. This pattern has remained fairly steadfast until the last 6 or 7 weeks. I've been able to do things important to me and for me about which nobody cares, and that in itself is a miracle for me.
I see and feel that I am on a healing journey. I feel consistently more alive and willing to embrace life, whatever it entails, than I've felt over the past 2 years. I do not know what flipped the switch and it doesn't matter. I do know how to stay in this healthy place - what it takes is to keep Spirit and recovery first, above situations, people, places, and things.
One thing I'm missing, and that's what this post is about, is enough self- esteem, care, love - whatever you want to call it - to be able to do what I know in my heart is right and healthy for me to do. So, how will I continue to basically affirm myself and my life and (hopefully) completely let go of the need for others' approval?
There are a few ways I know of to affirm myself. The first is prayer and meditation. I've been doing that in the morning, but not in the evening. Having set times to do this each day is a commitment to myself, and fulfilling a commitment to myself will build self-esteem. Second is journaling. This blog is a type of journal, but the kind of journaling I'm talking about here is to nightly list my accomplishments and the good things I've experienced during the day. Writing my experience down on paper gets it out of my head and makes it real to me. Third is physical exercise. Engaging my body in exercise affirms my physical existence, helps keep me physically healthy, and alleviates stress, anxiety, and depression.
There are more ways to affirm my life, such as eating healthily and practicing good sleep hygiene, which I do. I'm going to use the word 'vibe' here - the practices I'm talking about raise my vibe, which can be defined as overall mood, aspect, or affect. And when my vibe is raised, my little world gets better, and I'm able to see possibilities and opportunities that I didn't see when I was operating at a low vibe.
One thing I know from experience is when I'm feeling healthy and more whole, I need to run with it. If I just lay about enjoying the feeling, it'll disappear again, and it's very difficult to get to that place again - the place where I really am enjoying living.
Well, this is cool - I'm going to publish this post in a minute. I have about 6 drafts between 6/21 and now, and this is the first one I've been able to complete to my satisfaction. Yay! I appreciate you for reading this far - as you know, it means a lot to me.
Namasté,
Ken
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