Save a Life: Listen

 Tomorrow evening, I will be attending a viewing of the documentary "My Ascension." It chronicles the inspiring journey of Emma Benoit, a young woman from Louisiana, who survived a suicide attempt and her subsequent recovery (My Ascension). I am going primarily because I like inspiring mental health stories of hope (after all, I am one!), but also because I desire to become more involved in mental health recovery support. Previously, I had seen Kevin Hines' story (Kevin Hines); he is one of the few people who have survived jumping from the Golden Gate Bridge.

For the purposes of this post, the terms mental illness, mental health, and recovery include both mental health disorders as well as substance use disorders, because the trip toward relapse is the same - a degradation of our mental health to the point that we act out in unwise and often dangerous ways.

Talking about suicide is uncomfortable. Having a real conversation about mental illness is uncomfortable. Talking with someone about what is going on in their mind is uncomfortable. In the 1960's, there was so much stigma surrounding drug addiction, alcoholism, and mental health that it was rarely discussed - it was swept under the carpet. In the 1970's, the topics were treated with Valium and trips to the hospital for 'exhaustion'. Mental illness and mental health were not discussed, for the most part. It was a taboo topic - everybody's mental health was their own business. Mental health topics did not appear in schools.

For years and years and years, I sat with my dark thoughts about suicide and self-loathing without discussing them with anyone because I thought I was alone in thinking and feeling the way I did. Even when I was involved in alcoholism recovery programs, I felt alone; the people I listened to talked about how bad they felt while in the depths of their drinking, and how great they felt now being sober. I did not understand, because alcohol allowed me to escape the way I felt when I wasn't drinking. Today I know I wasn't alone; I only thought and felt I was. I can look back on my membership in a 12-step recovery program and recall several people who took their own lives while sober - some even after decades of sobriety. And we'd go to the funerals and say, "Ain't that a shame." I remember one comment at a funeral from another 12-step program member: "Well, at least he died sober." (wtf?)

I began sharing my story with others on a public basis several years ago because I realized it helped me. I share in this blog, I've shared in front of church groups, law enforcement groups, mental health professionals groups, and with patients on behavioral health units. I come across to people who don't know me as an average, everyday human being, fairly normal. (Nowadays, I come across to people who do know me as that way as well. Well, maybe not 'normal,' but well within acceptable limits.) So a secondary reason for sharing my story with others  developed: I want to 'normalize' mental illness and mental health. I want others who suffer to be encouraged to seek help. I want others who live with mental health disorders to be treated the same by law enforcement and medical professionals as people who live with heart disorders, diabetes, lung disorders, kidney disorders, arthritis, blood infections - in other words, I'd like people to be able to speak without shame about what is going on with them.

Sometimes I play 'what if' and I imagine what life would be like in different scenarios. Here's one: What if in school, even starting in kindergarten or elementary school, students were taught that if they feel like or think about harming themselves or another individual, that there's something going on that they need to talk with someone about? Again, in other words, what if we treated some of the signs of mental illness like we treat the signs of physical illness - "Bobby, you're bleeding all over the place; go to the school nurse." Would things begin to turn out differently if children were encouraged to talk about their 'bad' thoughts and feelings?

Listening to people share difficult thoughts, feelings, and experiences is difficult. We often want to avoid our own pain; why should we want to engage in someone else's? 

It's part of the human experience, that's why. 7 or so months ago, I made the commitment to develop real connections with other people. I didn't do it because I thought it'd be fun or because I'm a good human being; I made this commitment because it was (hopefully) the last thing I hadn't done to try to stay in recovery. I did it because I became convinced that I needed to do so to not only stay alive (survive), but to enjoy living (thrive). 

I'm a listener. I've known that for a long time. I've had people over the years feel safe talking to me about stuff they've never talked about with anyone. I didn't really like my role as a listener because it made me feel uncomfortable. Now that I have an active commitment to connect with others, I know why I didn't want to be a listener - because truly listening to another human being share their fear, their shame, their regret, their grief triggers in me my fear, shame, regret and grief. But the flip side is this: in allowing this compassionate practice (listening and sharing), I allow healing to take place within me and another. Many of us have heard, "We're only as sick as our secrets." Truth! Real hell, real suffering, is living alone with our own painful thoughts and feelings. In listening to others, and in sharing my own suffering, I allow light to shine upon that suffering, and it begins to disappear.

I live in Oxford House, which is a sober living house. I knew when I agreed to do that that I was making a big move in my life, because a good part of me didn't want to do it. I've lived with a bunch of men on a number of different throughout my life, and I prefer living alone. Living alone may be more comfortable, but it is not healthy for me. In Recovery Dharma, we learn to sit with discomfort, whether it be mental, emotional, spiritual, or physical. Sitting with my discomfort, rather than trying to avoid, escape, or change it, allows me to see it for what it is: an object of consciousness that will disappear if I let it. So I took living in Oxford House as an opportunity to learn to live with my discomfort of living with and relating to men. And it is working. 

I am the oldest resident of this house - by 30-40 years. And what I first noticed after moving in was everything that was wrong with everybody else. The second thing that I noticed was that everything that was wrong with everyone else was also wrong with me. Hmph! The third thing I began noticing was that, for the most part, everyone is fairly comfortable living with their imperfect human selves. And I began to get comfortable living with these imperfect human beings, and now I'm beginning to get comfortable living with my imperfect human self. One of the things we endeavor to do here is to support each other by wisely and compassionately talking about behaviors and things we see that might interfere with our primary goal, which is staying clean and sober. Being assertive is challenging! But in the world of addiction, ignoring another persons relapse warning signs can enable their death. So by learning to speak up in a loving way, we're saving lives.

I've also been learning since I made the connection commitment to share with someone I trust my own thoughts and feelings that are causing my suffering. I've found it helpful to develop trusting relationships with more than one person, in case the single sole solitary person in whom I trust is out at sea and can't be contacted when I need them. As I mentioned before, I've spent the majority of this life keeping my thoughts and feelings to myself, and struggling with them on my own. I don't have to do that anymore (I never did); I've had several occasions in the past few months where I gathered up the courage to share with someone I trust what is going on inside, and I can faithfully say that doing this has saved my life.

The upshot of all of this is that I don't have to be afraid of another human being's thoughts and feelings.  I can listen to them about their real experience of life, and when I do, I'm doing them a service as well as enriching my life. I know on the surface I only want 'good' things in my life, but when I avoid the 'bad' things, my life is shallow and empty. There is more to life than perfection and success. 

It is important for the person reading this to know that effective listening is non-judgmental, and it allows another person to share their thoughts and feelings without having the listener try to 'fix' them. An effective listener, if responding, can guide a person to find their own solutions to whatever is going on. Sometimes a solution isn't needed; sometimes a person just needs to be heard. Being heard compassionately is a huge factor in good mental health. It can wipe away that terrible feeling of being alone in the universe. 

I appreciate your reading this post, and I hope I've left you with some hope and things to think about, and maybe even some inspiration.

 Namasté,

Ken

Priceless

I received a raise at work. It was a surprise to me - I didn't expect it, and nobody told me it was coming. I found out by looking at my paycheck stub, and noticing that my rate of pay was higher starting January 1st. It's a nice way to start the New Year. So I don't know if this raise was based on performance, or if it was a New Year raise that was given across the board. Maybe I'll find out, maybe I won't.

One of my core beliefs that I am working to change because it has informed some of my less-than-skillful behavior is that "I am worthless and I can't take care of myself, and nobody else will, either." There's a lot of evidence for this belief, but it's self-fulfilling evidence. There's also been some evidence over the past few years that supports the opposite of this belief, and informs the belief that "I am valuable, and I am able to take care of myself when I'm aligned with the Universe (or God's will or however you want to put it).

I am valuable, and I have value - whether I'm working or not, or whether or not I have money. As humans, we have a tendency to 'rank' things - to say this is more valuable than that, or even this person is more valuable than that person. I may not say it out loud, but in my mind it's there. 

I feel that in my heart is a recognition that all of us, our lives, are valuable. The evidence for that is that in the 80's I worked with people with disabilities, and I valued them. In the 10's (this century) I again worked with people with disabilities, and I valued them as well. In customer service, which I've done off and on throughout my life, I've valued the people whom I served. Once I take a few seconds to talk with or get to know someone a little, I see the person inside, rather than their outward identity. At the end of my posts, I write 'Namasté', which is a word that is often used to say, "The Divine in me honors the Divine in you." Like every other spiritual principle, I don't practice this perfectly. Sometimes I meet people whose outward identity, persona, personality, is so strong that I cannot see past that to recognize our kinship in Spirit; but, for the most part, if I make the effort, I can connect with another person enough to see the Divine in them. 

I started off this post with mentioning a raise. My wage is currently a little bit above minimum wage. Fortunately, minimum wage in the state in which I live is currently a lot higher than the federal minimum wage. For the most part, I enjoy my job, and I do my best, no matter what I get paid, because I endeavor to live my life from the inside out. However, I know my wage does not reflect my true worth, even my true worth to the company; my current wage reflects, in part, my own beliefs about how worthy and valuable I am. Let me say that again - my current wage reflects, in part, my own beliefs about how worthy and valuable I am. It isn't about how others see me - it is about how I see myself. So I am working on recognizing, appreciating, and sharing my strengths, my abilities, and my purpose with others.

Nobody can pay me what I'm really worth. Nobody can pay you what you're really worth. Often, we use monetary value to judge another's worth. Often, it seems, it's tops on the list of ways in which we categorize and judge others. We look for signs of material wealth to try to know what value another holds. This is a very human thing to do. Human egos need to categorize and place a value on everything - this person is worth more than that person; this person is the richest person in the world.

So I'll say right here that how ever much money the richest person in the world possesses is chump change to God, because God owns everything, and has infinite abundance. So when I place a judgment on someone's worth by how much they have, or how rich they look, or by how poor they look, I am using my limited human perception, and am missing much. As spiritual beings having this human experience, we all have more value than we can fathom with our limited human mindset. 

I always struggled with money in the past. I usually never had enough, even though I've had jobs that paid fairly well and received money through other channels. The reason I never had enough was because I one of the biggest ways I judged myself was by how much money I had, and deep down I did not have a belief that I was worth anything. Money meant something different to me than it does now - money was an indicator of how good I was, or how much I deserved to just be. Yep, it was that sick. And I was putting the cart before the horse - I thought more money would give me more intrinsic worth. It's actually the other way around - the more I value myself and my life, the more likely I am to not have problems or issues surrounding money. 

For about the past four months, I have not been broke, even for a day. This is a lifetime record for me, I think. It's close, anyway. I have never prospered financially, even though I've had a few great opportunities in my life to at least break even. I know that this year we've had assistance and such due to the pandemic, but I can say quite confidently that if I didn't have a new attitude, those financial boosts wouldn't have helped me much. Money used to burn a hole in my pocket, so to speak - if I received a large amount, it usually dissipated quite quickly, and I was broke again.

I don't know how it happened - I don't know how a lot of stuff happened over the past year - but my attitude toward myself, toward money, and toward a lot of things began to turn. My self-worth and self-esteem skyrocketed (it's still not great, but it's a lot lot better than it ever was). Part of it was coming to Arizona. I came here sick and broke, and people took care of me. Nobody, absolutely nobody suggested that I go back whence I came, or at least go to another state. A huge amount of money, time, and love has been spent on helping me get better. I began to look at that, and say and think to myself, "This can't be happening if I have no value. I have to be worth something!" 

So I began to concentrate on all the ways in which I am valuable. Remember, whatever I focus on grows and grows - if I focus on my weaknesses, they grow; if I focus on my strengths, they grow. And let me tell you, over the past 15 months, I've discovered a lot of strengths. I began to discover that I am worthy, and I began to believe it and act like it.

I began to receive valuable things - food, clothing, shelter. I began to give back - earn my keep, so to speak. I began practicing gratitude, and I began to see all the blessings in my life - even when I didn't have a dime in my pocket. I began to appreciate things, and I began to appreciate how I am loved and supported by the Universe - love and support that is always there if I am open to it. I began to learn how to accept my many blessings, instead of ignoring them or pushing them away. And as I began to really accept and appreciate my blessings, the amount of money I possessed became less important, and, when I did receive money, I didn't blow it - I used it wisely. I treated it as a precious gift, like everything else I've been given. I know how much money I have, and I know how much I need on a monthly basis to sustain myself, but it isn't my number one priority. I trust today that if I'm doing the right thing and staying connected to my Source, I will be taken care of. 

I recently became homeful, and I am living with a housemate in a very nice place that is affordable, which is unusual for this city - the rents are inflated for some reason. Yesterday, I submitted our move-in inspection form to our rental agency. I mentioned on it that all three of our faucets have leaks. They weren't bad, but I wanted to mention it. Today their maintenance guy/handyman came in and replaced all 3 faucets! I never expected that. I didn't expect anything! So I'm still like "Wow"! I accept the new faucets; I value them, appreciate them, and I am grateful. And I didn't spend an extra cent. So things like this happen - unexpected gifts - and I see in them my Higher Power taking care of me. I see in our affordable rent, and the cushion or float that I have saved, my Creator taking care of me. 

So here's my point - or points:  

In essence, I am priceless. I started out talking about how I make now a little over minimum wage. I am not bothered by that - it is not an indicator of what I am truly worth. My store couldn't pay me what I'm worth. Nobody can. But I am grateful for what I do receive, and it becomes enough for me to live on, plus a little extra to save, plus a little extra to give. And I know that the more I discover and appreciate my true worth, the more I will move into positions to receive more, and the more I'll have to give - not only in money, but in friendship, time, love, and support.

Additionally, I have to keep the belief that you are priceless as well. And you and you and you. And even you! You are priceless. We all have great gifts given us that we have yet to uncover and utilize. I need to remember this in order to avoid thinking that I'm better than anyone else according to what I have. I used to think that I was lower or worse than everyone else - this is false humility. And there have been times that I thought I was better than everybody else. The Truth of the matter is that I am no better nor any worse than anyone else.  

The evidence of our worth is not how much we have, but how much we give. We cannot outgive our Creator, and the more we give of ourselves, the more we find we have to give. That's been true for me all along my journey - when I freely give, and freely receive, I receive back more than I give. My human brain doesn't comprehend that, but my heart does. And when I let go of my fear of not having or not being enough, and give without worry, I am well taken care of.

Namasté,

Ken

I'm Doing Ok

 This isn't a post about what I've been doing since June 21st, the date I last published a post; however, I will probably explore some of that. We'll see. This is a post about me and a post I read earlier today on Facebook. I can no longer find it, but it declared that not too many people will notice the healing work I'm doing, but to continue it anyway. It's important, and it does make a difference in my life, the world, and in the Universe. Ok, you can stop reading now if you want because that's the main point, or you can continue on if you have a minute - there is some more good stuff further on.

One of the mal-adaptive behaviors I developed was approval seeking. It's ok to desire being appreciated, but if I need to be appreciated for me to love myself or even be ok with myself, that's a problem. One of the reasons it's a problem is that it's not your job to appreciate me or approve of the things I'm doing or the things I've accomplished; if you do, you do, if you don't, you don't. However, that's not good enough for me. If I need your approval or appreciation to keep going, I'm going to do things that go against my self - things that impugn my integrity. I've spent a lot of time and energy during my life trying to be and do what I thought you wanted me to be and do. It has only been in the past 7 years that I've been endeavoring to show up as my authentic self; I've made progress, and I'm still working on it.

The other reason that expecting approval or appreciation from you is a problem is that anywhere from 50% of the time to 100%, I'm going to be disappointed. Unreasonable expectations often lead to resentment, depression, and even self-loathing. My "I'm not good enough" belief becomes active, and when this happens, I'm sliding down the road to relapse.

This reminds me of a recent adventure. I went on a long (30 mile) bike ride. When going on a long ride, it is good to check that the bicycle is in good working condition and that I have everything I need. Well, things looked fine, so I took off - without adjusting my brakes. I have disc brakes on my bike, and I love them, but, on a bike, they need to be adjusted a little more often than other kinds of brakes. My brakes are fine for city driving; however, I discovered that they were not ok for driving in the country, where I will encounter steep grades and attain speeds above 20 mph. So anyway, I'm going down this hill at about 30 mph, and I went around the curve. In front of me were stoplights regulating the intersection of the road I was on and Arizona highway 89A. So I squeezed both brakes (front and back) as hard as I could, and I knew right away that I wasn't going to be able to stop before the intersection. My choices were to hope for no traffic and turn right onto 89A, or use my right foot. I was wearing my new Merrell hikers, and I stomped my right foot down on the ground. Immediately I smelled burning rubber. With my foot on the ground, I was able to stop in time, and make a mental note to adjust my brakes next time. Anyway, the analogy here is the road to relapse - it's downhill, and the brakes are my coping skills and interventions I've learned to prevent relapse. If my skills are weak or if I don't use them at all, I will go head-on into active relapse, which in my case is drinking and suicidal ideation. (By the way, my shoes are fine - plenty of rubber left.)

Ok, back to the main topic. What's been happening to me since July 17th has been lots of "aha" moments - revelations and insights about what I need to be doing in order to get well. Some of these I've shared with others, some I haven't. The insights and inspiration I've received have been for me. They are precisely directed at my situation, my journey. They may or may not help anybody else. Because they are specifically for me, I may not get some of the recognition I think I deserve, and this is where I get tripped up - one of the patterns of my life has been to abstain from engaging in healthy activities for myself that nobody else will see or care about. This pattern has remained fairly steadfast until the last 6 or 7 weeks. I've been able to do things important to me and for me about which nobody cares, and that in itself is a miracle for me.

I see and feel that I am on a healing journey. I feel consistently more alive and willing to embrace life, whatever it entails, than I've felt over the past 2 years. I do not know what flipped the switch and it doesn't matter. I do know how to stay in this healthy place - what it takes is to keep Spirit and recovery first, above situations, people, places, and things. 

One thing I'm missing, and that's what this post is about, is enough self- esteem, care, love - whatever you want to call it - to be able to do what I know in my heart is right and healthy for me to do. So, how will I continue to basically affirm myself and my life and (hopefully) completely let go of the need for others' approval?

There are a few ways I know of to affirm myself. The first is prayer and meditation. I've been doing that in the morning, but not in the evening. Having set times to do this each day is a commitment to myself, and fulfilling a commitment to myself will build self-esteem. Second is journaling. This blog is a type of journal, but the kind of journaling I'm talking about here is to nightly list my accomplishments and the good things I've experienced during the day. Writing my experience down on paper gets it out of my head and makes it real to me. Third is physical exercise. Engaging my body in exercise affirms my physical existence, helps keep me physically healthy, and alleviates stress, anxiety, and depression.

There are more ways to affirm my life, such as eating healthily and practicing good sleep hygiene, which I do. I'm going to use the word 'vibe' here - the practices I'm talking about raise my vibe, which can be defined as overall mood, aspect, or affect. And when my vibe is raised, my little world gets better, and I'm able to see possibilities and opportunities that I didn't see when I was operating at a low vibe.

One thing I know from experience is when I'm feeling healthy and more whole, I need to run with it. If I just lay about enjoying the feeling, it'll disappear again, and it's very difficult to get to that place again - the place where I really am enjoying living.

Well, this is cool - I'm going to publish this post in a minute. I have about 6 drafts between 6/21 and now, and this is the first one I've been able to complete to my satisfaction. Yay! I appreciate you for reading this far - as you know, it means a lot to me.

Namasté,

Ken

I Am Valuable

Over the past month or so, I've been focusing daily on changing a few core beliefs that I hold that no longer serve me. Unfortunately, I'm unable to toss aside a core belief as one might toss away an outdated textbook. Fortunately, it is possible and it is challenging - it takes dedication, humility (the opposite of humility in this case would be, "I'm fine - I don't need to change), hope, and a willingness to look at life in a new way. 

The core belief I am endeavoring to change is that I believe I am  worthless, defective, and bad. The very first thing that I have done is acquire a mindset that my Creator is good, and anything and anyone my Creator has created is intrinsically good. Do you know why lawyers are buried 24 feet deep? It's because, deep down, they're good people. So that's my mindset - that at the very core of my being, I am valuable. I have within me all the attributes of my Creator; it's just that presently, a lot of those attributes are covered up by trauma, mental health issues, and unhealthy coping mechanisms that I've acquired over the years. So I don't have to acquire anything in order to become who I really am, my best self - I just have to let go of those things I've acquired that are unlike my best self.

I know that I am not alone in holding beliefs that I'm not good enough or defective in some way. Some religions teach us that we are born bad because of the things A&E did in the Garden of Eden. What I've learned that they did was to mistrust God's guidance, and that has created all sorts of woe ever since. And our consumer society tries to convince us that we are defective - we smell bad, our hair is either too kinky or too straight, and it's never the right color, our ass is too big or it's non-existent, we'll never have enough money, etc. I wrote a post a while back talking about this instilled fear over nothing, and I think we all have it to a greater or lesser extent. 

So the task is letting go of those fears, those thinking errors, and those habits which contribute to the belief that I want to let go of - in this case, the belief that I am defective and worthless. I do have value. I am valuable. The challenge is to begin to believe it despite what my mind or my mood tells me, despite my station in life, despite the things I've done or the places I've been.

I was at an open speaker meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous a couple of decades ago - might even be 3 decades - and I still remember how inspired I was by the recovering alcoholic speaker, Milt L., from Cleveland, OH, I think. His alcoholism had led him to shoot a police officer some years before. While he was in jail, his cellmate told him about the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, and how it could keep a person sober and lead him to a better life. Milt talked about how he had a spiritual awakening - that he knew his cellmate was telling him the truth, even though his cellmate was in jail with him. Milt said the Truth is like gold - it is valuable, whether it's in a garbage can or in Fort Knox. That rang true to me, and I've never forgotten it (though I put it on a shelf and haven't begun using that truth until recently). I am always valuable, no matter what, because I am - whether or not I'm choosing to reflect that value in my life is another story.

So what am I actively doing to release the old core belief of worthlessness and instill the new belief of value? First of all, let me mention humility again - having humility means that I know my place in the Universe, and that I am no better nor any worse than any other being. I owe what I am, my life, to my Creator. I am grateful for any accomplishments or any good that comes through me from Spirit, and my only part is willingness - saying 'Yes!' to Spirit. Now that little explanation is another one of those mindsets, or attitudes, to which I aspire. I'm not claiming that I practice it 100%, but I am willing to grow toward that mindset. Additionally, I don't have to define value - I simply have to begin to believe the words, "I am valuable", and take those actions that show I believe I have worth, and begin to abstain from actions and thinking that reinforce the belief I want to let go of. 

Ok, so here are some of the things I'm doing to instill a proper belief that I am valuable:

• Taking my medication - I have a mood disorder from years and years of reinforcing that I'm a piece of shit, and presently I rely upon some prescribed chemicals to help me get my mood up to a level that I can begin to think and do good things for myself;
• Practicing regular prayer and meditation - I know cognitively that I am the Child of a Loving Creator, but I don't feel it much yet; however, I practice affirmative prayer and meditation knowing that it does good no matter what, and I look forward to the day when I actually discover and feel the Light I know is within me;
• Continuing with counselors - I've found professional input invaluable in leading me to better ways of thinking and being;
• Taking care of my body - getting proper sleep, abstaining from mind altering drugs, eating properly, paying regular special attention to certain parts, like my feet, exercising, and getting sun (a lot, nowadays!), making sure I don't get too much;
• Affirming my value by saying it out loud - I am valuable - and avoiding spending any amount of time in negative thinking about myself; 
• Taking care of my immediate environment - keeping my living area clean, making it a pleasant place to come home to and be in;
• Being around people who are supportive and uplifting;
• Supporting others who are challenged - being of service;
• Recognizing the value in others;
• Avoiding getting too caught up in the world - I know what's going on, but it takes little space in my mind because I focus on what's in front of me and what's mine to do;
• Making sure I do things of which I am afraid, like getting a job and speaking my truth (still working on this!);
• Practicing using my gifts, like writing.

This list is general, and not necessarily complete. Sometimes people with mental health disorders move into doing these things gradually. For me, it's about creating habits that keep me in a state of realization that I and my life are valuable.

A word about affirmations: Affirmations are positive "I am" statements that express a truth about ourselves that we'd like to bring into realization. Affirmations can be powerful tools in recovery from addiction and mental illness as well as in spiritual, personal, and physical development; however, they must be partially believable by the speaker for them to begin to work. It's a bit like climbing a ladder - one doesn't claim the top rung when one is starting at the bottom.

Proclaiming and believing that I am valuable is a spiritual endeavor. If I did not know of a Higher Power, or understand that my sense of separation from others is an illusion, I wouldn't be able to believe that I am valuable because of the situation I'm in. But I know today that because of who I am, and because of who you are (children of a Loving Creator), we are valuable, and if I concentrate on my value, I will manifest valuable things and situations. 

Namasté,

Ken

I Am Worthy

If I had passed away two years ago, the three words that would have described me and my life would have been, "Not Good Enough."

I have been shooting for some sort of recovery for most of my life. One of my obstacles to recovery that I've known about for a long time was that much of the time, I rarely liked myself enough to stay in recovery. I have asserted for a long time that one has to care for oneself at least a little bit in order to do what is necessary to stay alive and healthy. I didn't have it, and I didn't know how to go about getting it.

In 1993, I was invited by a friend to attend a church called Unity West. I heard a very different message than I had heard from churches in the past, or from anybody for that matter. Part of the message is that since I am a creation of God, and God is good, I must be good. There is a part of me that seems to be able to recognize the Truth when I hear it, and I heard a lot at Unity that rang true to me. However, one of the great difficulties I've had is internalizing these Truths and living by them - it seems alcoholism and depression got in the way of my accepting some concepts that make life a lot easier to live. More specifically, my ego was so in the way that I suffered from the delusion that I was unique, alone, and disconnected. That's a pretty grand illusion - that I am not a part of this universe, and that I'm my own alpha and my own omega.

I spent years knowing that I wasn't good enough, and doing things to try to prove I was good enough, and ultimately failing at what everybody else seemed to do with ease because, I wasn't good enough. I used to seek approval from people whom I thought I should seek approval. Sometimes I didn't get it, which was frustrating, but not shocking. When I did get approval, it was like alcohol - there just wasn't enough. I'd get nice jobs, and think, "This is it!" and then, after the honeymoon wore off, and the imperfections of the job showed, and my imperfections showed, I'd get tired of the job and go back to feeling not good enough. I've had nice relationships where the same thing happened. I always looked outside of myself to feel good enough, and nothing ever worked permanently. I began to realize that there was nothing outside of me that would ever make me feel good enough - I could have a beautiful wife, awesome job, tons of money, a great home, and a lovely car, but deep down, I would still feel like and believe myself to be lower than whale shit.

So what is the solution? For me, a large part of it is 'acting as if'. You see, a person who has a decent amount of self-esteem, who believes themselves to be a worthwhile individual, does not need to seek approval from others. So I stopped seeking others' approval. A person who believes themselves to be 'good enough' accepts what they have in life, instead of continuously seeking more. A person who believes s/he is good enough as is also sees others as good enough - the person who has a healthy self-esteem does not find it necessary to judge others as less-than. I am neither more important nor less important than anybody else, no better or any worse. My shit's just a little different than yours.

This doesn't mean I'm not about improvement and growth. I am! But today, improvement and growth come not from making myself better, but from releasing those aspects of me that are not in alignment with who I really Am. I go to school to learn how to better use the gifts and talents that I already have. I practice self-care skills so that I can be of more effective service. I take setbacks not as indicators that I'm worthless or stupid; rather, they come up to enlighten me and make me stronger. Everything is useful; nothing is wasted. I stop questioning my presence in people's lives and simply try to show up as a blessing. I release worry and fear over my future, and work on simply living in today.

Now, of course, since this is all new to me, it is a practice. There's always something to work on, something to let go of. The big miracle here is that today I recognize that my life is valuable, and that your life is too, no matter what. When I am praised, I accept the praise at face value; when I am corrected or criticized, I try to be grateful for the lesson rather than taking it personally. Today I endeavor to live from the inside out, and each day I do that, I find more good stuff within me. 

I am grateful for the people in my life that saw who I really Am when I could not. I began to believe those folks and act as if they were telling me the Truth, and it looks like they really were. 

I am enough. I am worthy.

Namaste,

Ken



  

Namasté

I end my posts with the word namasté, and it occurred to me today that I might want to explain it a bit. Namasté is a Sanskrit word and it is used as a greeting. It's a little word that can carry a lot of meaning. Roughly translated, it means the Divine in me recognizes the Divine in you.
It really can be more than a greeting between people on the spiritual path. It is a recognition of the connection every living being has with the Creator, and, moreover, it is a recognition of my connection with you.
Part of the human experience is recognizing our differences. On a very human level, we're all very different. We're different genders, colors, sizes, and shapes. We have different languages, belief systems, and customs. We eat different foods and enjoy and dislike different things. When looked at at a strictly human level, life can be a pretty lonely place.
When looked at through the spiritual lens, it becomes a bit of a paradox. We can see that no two individuals are exactly alike, yet we all come from the same idea in the Divine Mind. We are all expressions of Spirit, each of us expressing Spirit in our own unique way.
Namasté allows me to see our differences with an understanding that it is all good - it is a level of acceptance that says our Creator made each of us, and if you are ok by God, then I'll let you be ok by me, too. Namasté allows me to drop the judgment, to recognize your unique attributes as gifts, not defects. It allows me to explore your experience with a sense of wonder rather than a sense of fear. And by the same token, it allows me to be who I am in that moment, too.
We are all God's children on a path leading back to God. When I recognize this, life becomes richer - I find myself surrounded by the infinite number of ways in which our Creator shows up.
Today I can use namasté not only in my writing and greeting of like-minded people, but also in silently greeting everyone I meet, either physically or in my consciousness. This practice helps me grow in understanding that, no matter what appearances are, we are all led by the same loving Creator and all of our experiences and gifts are valuable.
Namasté,
Ken