Anatomy of a Relapse

Trigger warning - suicide and death

Thank you all for your good thoughts and prayers during this time - I appreciate it, and it really does help. As far as this relapse goes, it wasn't nearly as major as some I've experienced, and I'm very grateful. I did, of course, create a big mess, but I'm not homeless (yet) and I'm still alive. I was suicidal (that's what starts every one) and began drinking. I was in the ICU twice - the second time for an overdose of my anti-depressant medication. Our local hospital doesn't like me much, I think - after the 2nd ICU, they sent me via ambulance to Oro Valley Hospital Behavioral Health Unit, which is near Tuscon. It's a 5 hour ride in an ambulance, strapped to a stretcher, no stops. It's a very undignified way to travel, but, believe it or not, it's not the worst ride I ever had! I think my local hospital was hoping I'd stay down there. Nope! I'm back home, ready to continue recovery and do what I can to make amends and continue serving others.

I am not defined by my relapses, but by my decision to stay in recovery despite them. 

This relapse began right around the time I started my job as a peer support specialist in mid-July. What really happened was this - I began to focus most of my attention on my new job rather than my Higher Power and my practice. My mindfulness practice, which I had been doing consistently for several months, went to hell. I felt like I couldn't practice. I stopped focusing on recovery, and focused on trying to make things right (whatever right is) with my job.

So if you've been following my posts, you are aware of the troubles I've had with the State of Arizona Department of Public Safety and obtaining my 'fingerprint card' approval, which was necessary for me to keep my job. I couldn't do it. I gave up. I up and left my job. Abandoned it (and my clients). (I can still attempt to appeal my rejection, but right now I'm not up to it. Perhaps another time.)

But that's not all! In a misguided attempt to look good, I was falsifying my timecard. At work, we're supposed to spend 60% of our time (24 of 40 hours) in direct support of clients. I wasn't doing that - I always had overtime, used for entering progress notes. So what I was doing was adjusting my timecard to get the 'production' up to 60% while shaving the hours I worked each day. In other words, I was giving up pay to make it appear that I was doing 60% production in 40 hours a week. This behavior is a throwback - I've done it before in other situations in order to make it look like I was doing better than I really was. I would like to note here that I did not commit medicaid fraud - all my clients were billed for exactly the amount of time I spent with them. I just shaved my off hours.

This might not seem like that big of a deal - it didn't seem like it at the time. But it's dishonest. Honesty is part of the foundation of recovery, and dishonesty just tears it down. Also, my behavior was unfair to my fellow employees, as it subverted the process. The process is there for a reason - follow the process so that if there are problems, we can examine it and see what needs adjusting. My behavior was very unethical, and I knew it. Falsifying records, any records, is unethical. It gives a false image of what's really going on. 

Again, if you've been reading my posts, you know that I was very pleased with how I conducted myself at work at the grocery store. I was honest and ethical. I never falsified anything, and I didn't steal, and I didn't 'adjust' hours. I worked with integrity, and I was proud of my behavior. Still am, for that instance. I did not realize that going back to old behavior was like stabbing my own self in the back. I didn't get caught by anybody - I didn't need to. I was punishing my own self. And the really insane thing is that I did not need to make myself look better - I was still in a probationary period, and not expected to hit the 60% production rate yet. 

In another situation, I was working with a client who was driving me crazy. I spent a lot of time with this client, and it was very difficult for me because I knew I was often not working in the scope of practice of a peer support specialist. I talked a bit about it with my supervisor, but I never really opened up about how my work with this client was bothering me. The problem, in my opinion, was that this client had what is called learned helplessness, and the staff who worked with this client (not just me) were enabling it. I never talked about that - I didn't want to offend anybody. I didn't want to seem 'uppity' (I hope that's not a bad word. If it is, let me know, and I'll find another). I went along with it. Another ethical violation.

So the upshot of all of this is that I don't yet have the guts to practice my profession well. That's really sad, and I hated myself for it. I became very suicidal.

My experience at Oro Valley Behavioral Health Unit was incredibly helpful and enlightening. Besides the fact of the undignified ambulance ride and being 5 hours away from home (you have to go through Phoenix to get there and Phoenix is Arizona's Chicago. Yuck), I got hope again. After a few days of contemplating how I was going to kill myself, I decided that all the help I was getting at Oro Valley was a sign that I needed to get back into recovery. So I re-committed myself to the practice. I began pondering my relapse, and, as my sanity returned, I saw how my behavior, my reaction to the things going on, was way out of proportion to the situation. I was focusing entirely on the mess at work, and forgetting that I need to look at the big picture. And the big picture is simply this - it's not the work itself that's important - I need to discover the areas in which this job can help me become more skillful in finding ways to develop my own coping skills and good habits and ways to help others. I stopped doing that and went back to old behavior, and I stabbed my soul. The problem, if you could call it that, with spiritual development is that the karma from going back to old behavior is way worse than when I was using only maladaptive coping mechanisms to get by in life. "For if, after they have escaped the pollutions of the world through the knowledge of [Source and a better way] they are again entangled in them and overcome, the latter end is worse for them than the beginning. For it would have been better for them not to have known the way of righteousness, than having known it, to turn from the holy commandment delivered to them." (2 Peter 2:20, 21 NKJV) The language seems a little harsh to me, but, in my experience, it's the Truth! My challenge is that I know at least two ways of doing anything, and I'm not very skillful yet at making the best choice. So I'm still here because I still have a lot of room to grow. 

There were a lot of blessings and God moments at Oro Valley. I spoke with one of the chaplains one day, and as I listened, I realized he was from my area in Wisconsin. I asked him, and he said he grew up on the South Side of Milwaukee. Most everybody in Arizona are from somewhere else, and there are many from the north, so I often meet people from Wisconsin. Those are always God moments for me, for some reason.

I also met a couple of wonderful people who were patients too, and made some new friends. We really connected, and it's not often that I connect so well with someone and make a new friend. I am so, so grateful for this. It's like Source planted these people in my life to make me a richer person, or Source planted me in these folks' lives. I feel very blessed. 

I am going to go back to my job at the grocery store for a while. I am grateful that it is available to me. Another miracle that will enrich me if I treat the experience skillfully, and I know I can.

Out of my window at Oro Valley I was able to view the Catalina Mountains. I love mountains. They represent strength, security, and stability for me. They go through their changes (fires and such), but they're still always there. This morning I got to view the sunrise over the mountains. It was really cool. It started looking just like a flashlight or head light, and it grew to it's full size and kept moving. It's an incredible experience for me to be able to see the sun move (actually the Earth rotating). For some reason, it puts things in perspective for me.

I was also able to re-start my mindfulness practice, which is a huge part of my recovery foundation. At Oro Valley, I became open and receptive again, and I was able to shift my focus back to my purpose - to become of maximum service to my Creator and the people with whom I come in contact. 

I got home tonight and went to my recovery meeting. My Sangha welcomed me back, of course, with open arms. I have a group of people who love me and support me on my spiritual path. One beautiful person at the meeting had also relapsed - overdosed on opiates. I felt very guilty for not being available, as I was busy in my own relapse and unable to be of service to anybody. I felt like if I came back and found they had died, I would have killed myself, for not being available. I know that's not right thinking, but I also know that not being available to support others directly opposes my purpose and my practice, and can hurt me and others. I have to be there, in whatever way I can. 

So I'm back home, and I may have to find a new place to live. I'm ok with that right now. I have a lot of amends to make - mostly to my roommate and my co-workers at my peer specialist job. And myself. My psychiatrist at Oro Valley is from Sri Lanka, so we connected well, too - he knows what I'm talking about. He told me that I have to learn the practice of self-compassion, that it needs to become a part of my recovery foundation. So I am learning that. 12 step programs often use the prayer of St. Francis of Assissi in the 11th step. It's a prayer for gaining compassion for others, and I re-wrote it to make it a prayer for gaining self compassion. I may have to write a whole post on the 11th step, St Francis, and his prayer. It really is quite powerful.

Hey, did I mention that I did not commit any crimes during this relapse? That's a big thing for which to be grateful. I am concerned, though - I came close to dying during this relapse, and I really want to avoid having to come so close to death in order to learn something. There are safer paths to enlightenment. My path really boggles my mind sometimes - I run with people who could be dead tomorrow. That seems harsh, but it's the truth. Knowing that does keep me on my toes. I really, really, really, want to ease the suffering of others. Mine too. When I hurt myself, others hurt too. Seems like kind of a dangerous life to me.

So there ya have it. I don't spend a lot of time in guilt, because guilt is useless unless it prevents one from doing something hurtful. I just jump in and continue with my recovery, knowing that there's a lesson in everything, even cleaning up my messes. It all has purpose. I do really want to learn how to avoid the whole death thing - I know there must be a way to learn and grow without backsliding. I have faith that I'll be able to do that, because I have a strong desire today to stay alive. 

I love you all and wish for you the best of everything.

Namasté,

Ken

Takeaways From A Mistake

I love lessons that aren't all that painful. Today I had off from work, but I usually go in on Thursdays to cash my check and shop. Today I cashed my check, bought a money order for May rent, and shopped. I carried my backpack with me for a place to put the money order where it wouldn't get wrinkled or damaged (like it would in my pocket). So I do my shopping, pack my groceries, and head out. Shortly after arriving home and unpacking my groceries, I received a text message from one of my managers saying I had left my backpack at the store. Oh! Now, mind you, I didn't leave it in the employee area, I left it in the store. I was a customer today, not an employee (even though I faced the shelves where I took my items from). I hightailed it back to the store, retrieved my backpack, and was relieved to find its contents (a blank money order) intact. 

I immediately went to gratitude - I am grateful to God, the Universe, and to my co-workers that I didn't lose a month's worth of rent. But, more important than retrieving the money, and this is the miracle for me, is that I did not beat myself up for making this mistake - especially since earlier in the day I felt a little down because I didn't feel I was doing such a good job at 'adulting'. My pattern in the past has been to pick, pick, pick at my mistakes until I get feeling good and depressed because I'm such a schmuck. In my post Dismantling the Program - Part II, I discussed learning about Attributional Styles, and the attributional style of a person living with depression (namely me) is that anything bad happening in my life is happening because deep down, I'm a bad person. (When something good happens, it's a fluke, and the other shoe is sure to drop soon!) I've been practicing and learning over the past 9 months to separate incidents, and to avoid attributing them to my worthiness (or lack thereof) as a human being. If I make a mistake, I make a mistake - it's because I'm human. Can I learn from it? Maybe! 

I also think a lot more quickly nowadays, and as I was biking back to the store, I thought, "What will I do if the money order isn't there?" Well, because I've actually been adulting (living skillfully) a little bit better, I would still have enough for May rent. It would still be a financial hit, but I'd make it. 

And because I was so pleased with being so self-forgiving, I began to think about compassion. You see, in my head I can still be pretty unforgiving of people who make mistakes. I've been struggling with this at work for a while. It's a good thing I'm not a manager, because with my managerial style I'd have to change my name to Richard. The thought hit me pretty loud and clear today that if I am able to have compassion and forgiveness for myself, why not others? Why not let others be human and make mistakes as well? Sometimes Lots of times, I think people do stupid stuff on purpose - probably because I've done a lot of stupid things in life even though I supposedly knew better. 

9 months ago, shortly before my last relapse, I had prayed with someone at the church of which I'm a member (but have yet to attend in person) about being able to see myself as God sees me, because, up to that point, I hadn't been able to accept that my Higher Power loves me unconditionally and wants the best for me. I see today, looking over the past 9 months, that my attitude is shifting, and I am beginning to love myself, and, in doing so, beginning to express the beautiful child of God that I Am.

I was reminded tonight of a long-forgotten incident that happened at the first university I attended. I was 19 or 20 at the time, and deep into my alcoholism. A fellow student had dropped his wallet on the floor in my dorm. I happened upon it, picked it up, and opened it. I noted that there was identification within it as well as $100. I took the $100 and dropped the wallet back on the floor. 

Did I know what the proper thing was to do? Of course I did. Why didn't I do the right thing? Because nobody was looking, and because at that time in my life, I was pretty sure that if I were to receive any blessings in this lifetime, I'd have to steal them. I went on like that for a long time. 

I'm grateful to be able to truthfully say today that I know I don't have to steal anything - that the Universe is constantly supplying me with everything I need in abundance, and all I have to do is get into alignment with it:  to raise my consciousness from that of a worthless, useless, scum-lapping piece of shit that will never be able to amount to anything to a beloved Child of God. That's a big leap to make. It takes work, and the work doesn't involve becoming a better person so that God loves me more - it involves me letting go of those parts of my consciousness that aren't in agreement with Who I Really Am. I won't bullshit you - it's a lot of work. But it gets easier, because the more I let shit go, the lighter I get, and the better I feel about myself, Life, and living.

I mention this because I've told people of today's events previous to putting it down here on cyberpaper, and some folks' comments don't ring quite true to me. Now, you believe what works for you, but, in order to continue to grow more in alignment with Spirit, I have to believe that God couldn't possibly love me any more today than It did last year, or 5 years ago, or 58 years and 9 months ago - that God's love for Its Creation is infinite, and really unfathomable to the human mind. It certainly does appear that if one does good, good stuff follows. But in this world of form, that doesn't always happen, does it? Sometimes the seemingly bad guys get off, and sometimes the seemingly good guys get screwed. And my very human mind would take a fact like that and say the Universe is capricious or ambivalent, when the Truth is, it is neither. It's simply that I usually lack complete Understanding of what's really going on. 

My father once told me, "The birds just sing for some people, and they certainly sing for you." He was right. I don't deserve to be here today, much less be here living the life I'm living. I was so incredibly self-destructive. And through my time in and around recovery, which has spanned more than half my life, I have seen much better humans than me suffer immeasurably and die from the disorders from which I'm now in recovery. I've seen families lose their beloved children. I don't have answers for that. I like to think that I have answers for almost everything, but I don't really. I have a few answers that seem to be working for me today, but that's about it.

What I endeavor to do today is to be accepting and grateful - for it all. I try to remember to look for the God in everything, because it's there. I don't always succeed in seeing it right away, but I find more good to Life when I'm looking for it than when I'm focusing on the bad. And today I endeavor to live up to the person God thinks I Am.

Here are some applicable Holy Bible verses that I didn't bother to insert into the text. Look 'em up if you've a mind to:

Isaiah 55 - the whole thing

1 Corinthians 13: 9-13

Matthew 7: 7-8

Proverbs 3: 5-6

I wish for you much love, peace, and alignment.

Namasté,

Ken

Love Shots

I'm going to preface this post with two things:

First, due to the corona virus, Arizona does have a shelter-in-place order or something like that, and no large mtgs and stuff; however, some non-essential businesses are still open, including the one I work for. Because Prescott Valley is not very large, and Yavapai County has not had many cases of the virus, some stuff is overlooked by the authorities. That's how I'm able to work at the job I have, and am not suffering the host of restrictions that many people are now enduring.

Second, the people who own the sober living home in which I live also own a remodeling company. There is a weekly rent here of $150, and I was not making it due to not finding a job yet; so, the owners offered that if I would stand by the highway with a sign and advertise their remodeling company to passing traffic, the hours that I put in would go for credit to my rent. I told some people I was an advertising executive; my confession is that I am a simple sign waver.

Ok, on to the post:

The first day that I waved the sign along the highway, I didn't wave or anything - I just stood there holding the sign. The second day I did it, I began waving at cars as they passed by. Arizona is a waving state anyway, so there wasn't much personal risk for me to wave as well. Well, standing outside and waving to cars can get a little boring, and when I'm bored, my mind sometimes wanders to dangerous places. What I learned to do to occupy my time was to count the cycles of the traffic light up the road. It cycled every 2 minutes, so 30 cycles is an hour. Keeping track of what cycle I was in helped me keep my mind occupied, and it was helpful since when I first started, I didn't have a phone and had no way to tell what time it was without counting the cycles or running into the office to check the time.

I had learned a consciousness raising exercise whereby a person will endeavor to silently (or aloud, if circumstances permit) bless every person that comes into their physical presence or into their consciousness. It's a great exercise for turning around one's attitude about people. I've done this exercise from time to time, and it really helps raise my mood and shut up the jerk in my mind. So a couple of weeks ago, I decided to try it with the traffic - to spend 7 hours blessing the drivers passing by me. I had my phone by then, so I no longer had to keep track of time by counting cycles, and the traffic in our area has not decreased that much, even with schools and some businesses closing. So I silently shoot blessings to each driver that passes me. I use the spiritual principles that I am learning to live by:

• Love
• Peace
• Joy
• Faith
• Hope
• Acceptance
• Good Health/Healing
• Pardon (forgiveness) 
• Courage
• Strength
• Honesty
• Openmindedness
• Willingness
• Gratitude
• Prosperity
• Success

So I silently but consciously shoot these randomly at the people passing by. After doing this three days in a row, I almost forget that I'm holding a sign, and I really feel like sending out blessings is what I'm supposed to be doing. I have my doubts that the sign I'm holding is bringing in new business, but that's not my concern - I'm a sign holder, not an advertising consultant. I don't know that the blessings I send are being received - that's between the driver I shoot and their Higher Power. 

What I do know is that since I've been doing this, my overall vibe (mood) is much higher than it has been for a long time. I feel more grounded, and I feel more like I have purpose, and I like life a little bit better. Additionally, I seem to be getting more wave-backs and even honks and light-flashes. 

This practice has also improved my outlook on the world and God's people. I have an underlying belief that I am working to release, and that is that the world is a hostile place, people can't be trusted, and I must always be on guard. It's really been years and years since that belief has been true for me, and in the past few years, it's been quite the opposite. And I've found the people of Prescott Valley to be very nice and friendly. A few weeks ago, I cynically said that this was because everybody carries a firearm; now I believe it's genuine.

Another really big thing this practice is helping with is releasing my judgments of people. God told me once that judging others is not my job, but it's been hard to completely let it go. When I hand out these random blessings, I begin to understand that the people I'm zapping all are human and are subject to the frailties of being human, just like me. 

So I will continue this practice, and I will work toward blessing people who come into my consciousness as well. Another way to practice this is to silently say 'Namasté' to each person who comes my way. Namasté means the Divine in me recognizes and acknowledges the Divine in you. This practice is also good to use while driving, if driving tends to irritate you and wear on you. For instance, when a person cuts you off, you can say "Bless your heart, you must need to get to work faster than I do." Speaking of work, I used to pray for co-workers who irritated my by praying, "God, take care of so-and-so." My idea of 'taking care of' was probably different than God's, but the prayer allowed me to turn the person over and get over my irritation.

Thanks once again for reading, and...

Namasté

Ken

Learning to Feel Again - Safely

I was a sensitive child. I felt things strongly, but I did not learn how to skillfully deal with the things I felt. In my teens, I learned that alcohol and some prescription drugs would effectively squelch the feelings I felt. If alcohol and drugs still worked, I'd still be using them; however, in my early twenties I began to recognize that my use of alcohol and drugs were causing problems with other people in my life, and, being addicted to people pleasing at that time, I chose to try to quit drinking. That did nothing for the feelings that I did not know how to control (and I never sought help for the way I felt, probably because I felt like the way I felt was 'wrong', and was ashamed of feeling. Now if that's not messed up!). In the early years of attempting sobriety, I turned into a binge drinker - I would stay sober for a period of time until I just couldn't take it any more, and I would drink until I couldn't anymore.

During my dry periods, I did learn methods for avoiding emotions fairly well. I'm a good actor, and I acted as if I had no feelings when I needed to do so.  That had adverse effects - there were times when it seemed I also had no conscience.  I didn't lose my conscience; it simply became subdued along with my feelings. 

Depression can come about due to oppression or suppression of one's expression. I have not been oppressed by anybody or anything (except myself) since I left prison in April of 2002 (and even that type of oppression I invited upon myself). I have, however, continued to suppress and cover up what's really in my heart.  Generalized anxiety disorder - that anxiety that comes about for no other reason than to just be there - also comes from the suppression of emotions.

So, suppression of my emotions leads to depression, emotional death, sickness, and lack of success. I cannot suppress only the feelings I do not like - sadness, hurt, grief - without suppressing the feelings I do like - love, joy, happiness, connection, passion. In order to live a vibrant, abundant life, I need to be able to feel those good-feeling emotions, and, in order to do that, I must learn how to feel and safely deal with those not-so-good feeling feelings.

One might rightfully ask, "How do you have the career you have if you don't feel?" I do feel. I feel empathy and sympathy, and I feel a connection with those who are going through the same things that I am. But I know I don't feel as deeply as I could. I did not lose my job because I'm crappy at it; quite the opposite, I'm very good at it. I lost my job because I failed to show up at work for 3 days without calling in because I was too busy with my suicidal binge. 

So I do feel, but I feel minimally. There are moments, and sometimes days, when I believe I could turn my back on the whole world forever and not regret it one bit. There are times when I feel as if I could disappear, even though I have a great life with lots of people in it who love me.

That's what I want to feel - I cognitively know life is good, but I'm not feeling it, so I'm going to embark on this journey of re-awakening my emotional self and learn to deal with what comes up.  Scary shit, right?

I have work-arounds to help me deal with some feelings, but they don't always work. A work-around is a coping skill that isn't. It's a half-assed measure to avoid or escape what's going on without facing it and dealing with it. Some of my work-arounds for not feeling are avoiding people, places and events that make me feel uncomfortable, and avoiding forming deep relationships with other human beings. I can tell when people and things are getting too close!  I get that urge to escape, and if there's nowhere to escape, I implode. Not fun.

I am fortunate that nowadays I'm associated with some others who are challenged with strong emotions and feelings, and I've learned that there are ways to not only deal with it, but learn to harness the sensitivity and use it in a positive way. The problem is not feeling too much, the problem is, not understanding that there are positive ways of living with feelings and emotions. I have begun the process of re-opening my emotional body and learning to work with it instead of against it. This process is physical, behavioral, mental, spiritual, and, of course, emotional.

I'm getting into this and feeling like I could write a book on it, and I don't want to write a book today, so I'll give a thumbnail sketch:

Physically and behaviorally, I must discover those drugs, foods, and behaviors that I indulge in to assuage my feelings and begin to avoid them, while at the same time experiencing and embracing the feelings I'm trying to avoid (emotionally). Additionally, I've learned a practice called TRE® which allows me to release memories and traumas that are stored in the physical body. There are other methods as well, such as acupressure, acupuncture, various types of yoga, EFT, guided meditation, and others. Exercising regularly, especially aerobic exercise, also helps me stay grounded physically.

Mentally, I can use the skills I learned in CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) to re-frame how I approach feelings on a cognitive level. CBT gives me a chance to stop the automatic thinking and automatic reactions so that I may approach my life in a rational and reasonable way. I can mentally wrap my head around, "I am feeling hurt - I do not need to run from hurt; I can acknowledge it, embrace it and feel it, thank it, and let it go." Thank it? Yes - our feelings tell us our preferences, and if I ignore my feelings, I essentially ignore who I am. Another therapy that I've heard works well for people who are challenged by their feeling is DBT, or Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. I might check that out - it sounds promising. I am also learning to meditate, and there are many, many ways to meditate and tools that help. Meditation helps to ground me mentally and physically, and some forms of meditation allow me to go within to discover what really makes me tick. 

Spiritually and emotionally, I can improve my connection with Spirit through prayer and meditation, and I can also practice forgiveness. It's important for me to understand that those events in the past that caused me to shut down my feelings were not meant to hurt me, but to teach me compassion and understanding. Whoever or whatever hurt me came from their own brokenness. Prayer and meditation grounds me emotionally, helps me to feel safe, and allows me to go back and reclaim parts of myself I have lost over the years. There are also grounding skills that can be learned that allow me to protect myself in a healthy way when I'm in an uncomfortable space as well as allow me to be fully open when I'm in a safe space.

Some of these things I can do on my own, and some I need assistance and support. I'm grateful today that I either have what I need to accomplish my endeavor, or know that it's on its way.

I have the desire and willingness to become fully alive again. I know that I could go the rest of my life the way I am today, but I don't believe life is about waking up, going to work, and dying. I believe today that life is meant to be fully experienced, and the greatest part of that experience is feeling it, even if sometimes the feeling it isn't fun.  I desire to have a passion for living and a love for myself that I'm not yet experiencing; today I know it's possible, and I know what I need to do to get there.

I forgot to mention - how do I start this process? How do I start to feel again? Simply by becoming willing and open and receptive, the Universe will provide me with all I need to start feeling again - the people, places, and situations.

Namasté,

Ken

Lessons from Relapse - Acquiring the Willingness to Change My Story

If I remain stuck in who I think I am, recovery will be difficult, if not impossible. For years and years and years, I did not want to be depressed; yet I identified with the symptoms of my depression every day. I wasn't good enough, I was hopeless, I'm different than everybody, my life has no meaning, I can't make it in this world, I'm a disappointment to everybody around me, and I'm undeserving of anything because I'm such a loser. That is who I believed I was. I felt like an inept mountain climber - I watched everybody I knew climbing their mountain while I struggled at the base of mine, slipping and sliding, and never making it more than a few feet up.

I did not know or understand that the identity that I walked around with was not really me, that it was symptomatic of a brain disorder (commonly known as Major Depressive Disorder). I did not know that I was never hopeless loser, even when I was unable to successfully complete endeavors  (like marriages, jobs, and post-secondary education). I wasn't hopeless 2 weeks ago, and I'm not hopeless today. The symptoms I experience, although they feel like me, are not me.

I'll mention here that to say, "I am an alcoholic," or "I am (mental health condition)," is self-stigmatizing. Few people walk around saying, "I am diabetes," or "I am prostate cancer." Today, if I want to introduce myself and tag the disorders I've experienced, I say, "My name is Ken and I am in recovery from alcoholism and depression." This puts a degree of separation between me and my disorders, and it is more accurate - today I am sober and I am not experiencing symptoms of depression. It seems complicated, but the things I tell myself are very important.

Human tendency is to define ourselves by our past, by what we've done or experienced. We are all we've thought and experienced; however, we're also much, much more. We are also all we can be, being children of the infinite Universe. As spiritual beings having this human experience, we have the opportunity to surpass our perceived human limitations. One can see this in human development, technology, and even in sports - there is a drive within us to be more today than we were yesterday.

Addiction and other mental health conditions have the tendency to dim our creative spirits and drive. I've experienced it myself, and I see it in a lot of individuals with whom I work. 

In order to thrive, as opposed to simply existing, I must be willing to expand my borders. I must be willing to do the work required to break free from the limitations I've imposed upon myself. How did I become willing? By being surrounded by people who let me know that I was so much more than I thought I was. I began to believe these people, and I began to seek ways to expand my consciousness - to use tools others had used to begin to look past the fence I had constructed around myself, and to begin to believe that I had the power and ability to knock the fence down.

When I was treating only alcoholism, I did everything I could to stay sober. One of the things that bothered me is that I would see some others in recovery doing less than I was doing, yet having seemingly better lives and an easier time of it. Part of this perception was the veil of depression that often surrounded me. The other part of it was that I really was doing more than some others and not achieving the same results. This only served to fortify my belief that I was useless and a loser. My belief was that I would always be less than those around me, no matter what I did or how hard I worked.

When I acknowledged and accepted that I am also dealing with a mental health condition, I began to treat that as well. In order to stay in recovery, I have to treat both of my conditions. There's a fair amount of overlap, but there are also things I do that are specific to each condition. I feel that there are a lot of things, physically, mentally, and spiritually, that I must attend to in order to stay in recovery. I am in truth grateful for this, because what I do has opened my life and given me things and people I never would have experienced otherwise.

So back to changing my story - if you'll notice by reading some of the other posts in my blog, I do not write very much about 'what it was like'. I don't tell expansive stories about my time in prison, or how many hospitals I've visited, or all the wreckage I created in the past. On a private level, I deal with all of that. My story is about recovery, not addiction and mental illness, and recovery is now. I understand today that the most important moment in my life is right here, right now, and I don't want to waste this moment re-hashing the past. 

I was at a job interview last week, and at interviews I submit not only my resume, but also my criminal record. The interviewer looked at me and said, "You don't look like you've stolen cars." I've heard similar comments when I tell people about my past, and the reason I don't look like I've committed crimes and been to prison is because I don't live there anymore. I'm just not the felon I once was! But seriously, I don't consider myself a criminal today (because I'm not), and I don't go back there very often. I don't carry that story anymore. 

The reason I want to thrive, rather than just survive, is that one, simply surviving kind of sucks, to me, and two, I believe that the more I'm loving myself and loving life, the less likely it is that I will go back to the life I used to live. Now, obviously, I did take a brief trip back in time to get another taste of misery; however, I can use that jaunt to discover what more I can do to stay in recovery as well as to help others in their recoveries.

So my story is not that I'm a depressed drunk, because today I'm not. Today I am a person who, with help from a Higher Power and a lot of friends, is discovering who he really is and sharing that person with others.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it!

Namasté,

Ken

What Am I Learning?

In the post Listening to Pain Part I I mentioned that pain is my friend. Physical pain can tell me, "Don't touch that," or "Don't bend that way," or "Stop eating." A dull physical pain tells me that my muscles are tight and need movement. A dull psychic pain, like I've been experiencing lately, tell me that I'm out of alignment - that my thinking, or my actions, or both are not in alignment with who I am and my purpose here.

I used to react to this psychic pain by drinking alcohol or taking drugs, or engaging in behaviors that took my mind away from the pain, like eating or spending money, or spending hours mindlessly surfing the internet. Then I learned more constructive ways to deal with the pain - I could go to support group meetings and exercise. These drugs and actions are called palliatives.  Palliatives do not cure or fix what's going on; they give the person comfort. Palliatives really aren't for living; they're for giving a person who is at the end of their life a little bit of comfort to make the transition easier.

I'm not dead yet, and not even really close, I think. So it occurs to me that to cover up the pain I've been feeling lately is not the best option. It's the first option that comes up in my mind because covering up the pain one way or another is what I've done most of my life. This practice has gotten me by, but it hasn't gotten me too far. So maybe it's time for me to put on my big boy pants and face the music, whatever the tune is.

Let me state here that I am not denigrating myself or anybody else. Painkillers, in all their glorious forms, exist for a reason. There is a process by which a person awakens to themselves, and it rarely happens overnight. 

But after a while, the still small voice inside chides that the things I've been using to get by don't work so well anymore. And that's the signal that it's time to do something different.

I've been off of the medication that was prescribed to me 3 years ago for 6 weeks or a month now. I've been slowly weaning off of it for about a year. I've noticed that I am more sensitive now, and my moods go a little lower than they have over the past 3 years. I am grateful for the medication - it got me to a point where I could learn and practice helpful recovery tools. I've gotten a lot stronger, smarter, and wiser over the past 3 years, and I have medication to thank for the mood stability I needed to learn how to live in recovery. 

The psychic pain I've been experiencing lately has been similar to the pain that use to drive me to self-destructive behaviors. The difference now is that it is not as intense, overwhelming, or debilitating. I'm sensing it more as a signal that change is needed. The pain I'm experiencing now is my friend - it's not going to kill me.

One great thing I've learned over the past 3 years - when I accept and embrace those things I call hardships (life), those hardships turn into great blessings. I have consistent evidence that, if treated in the proper way, all the things that come my way make me stronger and better. I no longer feel like the next thing that comes my way is going to ruin me.

So, the next step is to ask and to listen - "What do I need to let go of now?" "Who shall I go to to learn from?" I know that when I ask, the answers are provided, and I'm grateful today for the willingness to listen and the courage to act.

Namasté,

Ken

Trauma Informed Living

I feel compelled to begin this post by mentioning that I am not perfect. For the past few years, I have been endeavoring to live my life using new (to me) ideas that seem better than the old ideas by which I used to live. I have yet to practice to perfection anything about which I write. I have an inner sense of the Truth, that which is Perfect Principle, and once in a while that seems to come out in practice. Most of the time, I am simply feeling my way, day by day, to a better experience of life, and sharing much of that journey in this blog. So there ya have it.

When I re-entered human services as a vocation, I began learning about Trauma Informed Care. It is the latest vogue in helping those in need of help, and it prescribes an attitude and a way of working with others to be more effective and, essentially, more humane. The previous model was more of a medical model, in which we asked, "What's wrong with this person," and "What can we do to fix it?" (or what can we do to make this disagreeable symptom we see go away). In Trauma Informed Care, we recognize that every human being has experienced trauma of one sort or another in their lives, and that maladaptive behavior patterns and coping mechanisms often are derived from these traumas. So, instead of looking at the behavior, we begin to look for what might have caused this behavior to become a coping mechanism for this individual.

Trauma Informed Care is much more of a solution-oriented way of assisting clients, one that involves looking at the whole person, not just the 'presenting problem' or issue. There are 5 guiding principles for practicing Trauma Informed Care - Safety, Trustworthiness & Transparency, Choice, Collaboration and Mutuality, Empowerment. After learning about Trauma Informed Care, I decided it would be good for me to use this model not only with the people I serve, but for everybody with whom I have contact. I also noticed that the principles closely align with spiritual principles that I also practice. In the following paragraphs, I am going to outline how I practice these principles in life.

The first thing for me to understand is that everybody's got something going on. No matter what appearances tell me, every human being has issues they are dealing with, and these issues are no better nor worse than mine. They're just different, and usually hidden. Without this understanding, it's way too easy for me to become judgmental about the well-groomed man in line at the store who is chewing out a clerk for shorting him a dime. There's a lot more going on there than "He's just a privileged, snooty asshole." People who feel pretty good about themselves, no matter their station in life, don't find it necessary to try to make others feel less-than. So, when I see one human being hurting another, or themselves, I do well to understand that the one doing the hurting has been hurt themselves. It's hard to do some days, but this mode of thinking is more conducive to better living than holding the belief that the world is filled with assholes.

The first principle is safety. How safe does the person with whom I'm interacting feel around me? As you might imagine, there are many factors affecting this. There are only two that I have control over - my actions, and my awareness that there are factors affecting the other person's perceptions of which I am probably unaware. Something I understand today of which I used to be totally unaware is that my mere presence as a 55 year-old caucasian male might be threatening to someone else, depending upon their upbringing and previous life experiences. Does this mean I have to interview everybody I meet to determine whether or not they feel I'm a threat? Not at all. What it does mean is that I don't have to add to anybody's issues. If someone is hostile or acts strangely around me, I don't have to take it personally, and I don't have to do anything about it. In fact, if I don't do anything about it, I might be helping their issue by being a contradiction to their outlook that "all old white men are assholes." So the whole thing about safety is letting someone be who they are without feeling threatened or attacked and without feeling the need to defend myself. And, if I am feeling hostile or irritated going into a situation, I do not need to show it, or maybe I don't need to be going into that situation until I'm more grounded.

The next principle is trustworthiness and transparency. In dealing with others, I endeavor to be honest and not hide things. I need to tell the truth, even if it's something that bothers me. I need to refrain from gossip, and to keep what others tell me confidential. I need to do this because everybody in life has been involved with someone who has betrayed their trust, and every person they meet who does it again re-injures that person. I need to be the person someone meets or is friends with who can be trusted. And I need to endeavor to do that all the time with all people. This builds my own self-esteem, and reduces the likelihood that I will hurt someone with my word, my action, or my inaction. Trust and transparency build good relationships, good connections, and good connections are healing connections.

Choice is the next principle. In my professional life, it means that I do not force my will onto another person. Each person with whom I work has the choice to follow suggestions or to not follow them. Of course, choice should be informed, but, ultimately, each individual has the right to make their own choices. The same goes for life. There is nobody in my life upon whom I force my will. Taking people's right of choice away is called oppression and enslavement, and neither one of those is a human right. Additionally, it just doesn't work. I'm grateful that I've never gotten off over having power over another person (real or imagined), but I see around me the effects on those people who feel oppressed by other people or institutions. Nobody has to like me; nobody has to respect me. I earn respect by the way I speak, behave, and carry myself. If I feel disrespected, it's my feeling that I have to deal with. I may wish to speak to the person who I feel has disrespected me, but, in the end, it's my problem, not theirs. I also understand that people make choices in their lives that I might not understand or agree with; however, nobody, absolutely nobody, has to live in a certain way to please me. I can always choose to try to understand why someone makes a certain choice, or, I can let it go. To be very honest, I still have an initial pre-judgment when I meet someone; however, practicing this principle allows me to get past that judgment and discover the person underneath. 

Collaboration and mutuality again is about honoring the rights of the individual, but it's also about more - it's about validating another's feelings, wishes, opinions, and choices. It's about listening. It's about understanding. It's about humility, in that I don't want to take the position that I know better for someone than they do for themselves. It's about understanding that life is a two-way street, and I don't want to be a Hummer going the wrong way. It's about me feeling secure enough in my own being to allow others to express themselves freely. It's about knowing my own Truth, so that others may discover theirs. 

The fifth principle is empowerment. At work, I meet a lot of people who have what we call 'learned helplessness.' Some people get to a point where they really can't do anything on their own. This is not a result of Trauma Informed Care - it's a result of someone having their humanity and individuality stripped away from them because of their illness. I was headed down that road, and I endeavor to help myself and others, whether at work or not, recognize that everyone is powerful. Every human being is born with power, and, through life's lessons, either learns to accept or deny their own power. I can point to most of the lessons I learned that taught me I was a useless waste of oxygen that would be better off dead. It took me a long, long time to understand and accept that my perception is NOT the Truth about me. I don't want anyone to ever feel about themselves the way I felt about myself. I'm learning, and it is a constant lesson, how to help others elevate themselves. Much dis-empowerment is done with good but misguided intention. I mentioned in a post a few months ago that I learned that doing something for someone that they are capable of doing themselves sends the subconscious message of "I'm doing this for you because you can't." Empowering others, rather than being disempowering, takes wisdom, patience and faith.

So, maybe you can see why I like these principles. They really invite connection with and understanding between people. They challenge me to look for the good and the strengths in others. They challenge me to put down some of my long held beliefs, and they sometimes make me feel uncomfortable. I have to possess and practice a certain amount of vulnerability and humility in order to let others be who they truly are. However, my life is vastly more interesting and enriched when I practice the belief that the Universe is expressing itself through each and every one of us and when I allow life to unfold as the Universe sees fit rather than how I see fit. Treating others in a way which is not harmful or belittling to them is one part of this; the bigger part is giving them a space to flourish as they were intended to flourish.

Namasté

Ken

Riding Uphill

If nothing else, what I have gained in nearly 3 years of recovery is a better perspective.

Some years ago, I trained for and rode in the MS 150, which is a 2 day 150 mile bike ride to benefit the Multiple Sclerosis Society. One of the things that I learned is that training for something physical is 90% mental. Part of training, as well as the ride itself, is hills. Now, on a perfectly flat surface, it's fairly easy, if one's muscles are used to it, to ride at a good clip for a long way. However, I don't live in Kansas, I live in Wisconsin; which means part of the ride is going to include some hills. Riding uphill is tough. It hurts. I did learn that riding as hard as I can to the top, where my chest hurts, I can hardly breathe, and I think I might have to call 911, is not the best way to train on hills. The best way, for me, is to not look too far ahead, gear down, and send conscious signals to my legs to pump, pump, pump. I don't enjoy hills. I do know that practicing on hills makes them easier to climb, but I still don't look forward to the challenge. They're tough, and I don't really feel like doing tough things. 

So why do it? Because it's part of riding, and overall I enjoy riding. That's just the way it is. Also, riding the hills gives me a sense of accomplishment, and it makes me stronger and healthier. Also, usually, once I get to the top of a hill, there is a downhill portion in which I can go fast and pedal lightly, or not pedal at all. The ride downhill is the reward for the ride uphill. Sometimes, after the top of a hill, there's a plateau and then another hill. Do I stop, get off my bike, sit down on the side of the road and cry? Sometimes I feel like it, but no, I don't. Somewhere down the line there's going to be the downhill coast, where I can go 25 mph (or faster) using only gravity. It's there. But I never would have found that if I had quit (like I felt like doing) on the uphill portion.

Often people on a spiritual path in recovery, like myself, find points in life where life seems so easy! It's wonderful! Everything's going my way! And then we come to a hill. Or maybe even something that seems like a brick wall. And we falter. Often, to someone who is new in recovery, this time of struggle can be a big enough letdown to cause that person to give up. But if one has the support of people who have been there, one may get enough courage to see the struggle through. Sometimes, if a person has God as their Higher Power, they might feel that God has abandoned them. Things were going so good! And then God just pulled the rug out! Wtf! If one doesn't at least believe there is a purpose to or a reason for the struggle, one can be inclined to give up. Or think they've lost their connection, or they're no longer spiritual, or they're not even in recovery because they're not feeling it. But the struggle is exactly like the hill on a bicycle ride, and if one shortens their vision to what is in front of them, and keeps moving one step at a time, that person finds their way to the other side, to the 'blessing'. And then they're feeling it again! Personally, I don't believe God hands out struggles. I think I have things to learn, that are mine to learn, on this journey. And I have come to the conclusion that I can learn them now, or learn them in the next lifetime. The next lifetime is unknown to me, so it's preferable (really the lesser of two evils right now) for me to learn in the here and now, where at least I have some idea of what's going on.

I went to a work function tonight. It was a really nice evening that turned out well. People enjoyed themselves, I was surrounded by a lot of really great people, many of whom are friends of mine, the food was good, awards were handed out, and it was as enjoyable as last year's function. And you know what? I wasn't feeling it. But, because of the experience I've gained in recovery, I didn't behave like I wasn't feeling it. Recovery teaches me to suit up and show up, almost without exception. I could show up and do my part well and not have to miss it or piss on anyone's parade because I wasn't feeling it. In the past, I would have taken the way I felt as a sign that I'm not really in recovery, I'm just a big fake, and I'm really a useless piece of shit that might as well not even be here. I don't have to take it that way anymore. Today I can recognize a symptom of my dis-ease - one of the symptoms of depression is not being able to get pleasure from pleasurable things. Anything that I would have done tonight to change the way I felt would have made things much much worse. Instead, what I've learned to do is to carry on - to continue that uphill ride, whether my body or my brain is telling me, "Give up! Stop! Lay your bike down, sit down, and cry!" Because my soul knows that after this hill, if there's not a downhill run, there's at least a plateau before the next hill.

We honored a lot of people tonight, and one of the awards we give is named for a person who died from his illness. His memory lives on. And, to be very honest, I considered whether it would be better for me to be a memory. My decision right now is that it would not; there are people in my life whose lives I touch in a positive way. There are living people who are genuinely appreciative of my presence. So even when I'm not feeling it, I know that my life - that I - make a positive difference on Earth today. 

And the way I felt, or have been feeling recently, is not indicative of the quality of my recovery. When first riding the bicycle, even the slightest uphill grade feels tough. After a few hills, we tackle bigger ones. I was out in Colorado once during some bike race, and these guys (and gals, too) were riding up and down this mountain. I can't even imagine! But I saw it, so it must be possible. 

Sometimes I wonder if my dis-ease it not so much battling or struggling through the lows as it is learning to get rid of the unrealistic idea that life should (there's that s-word, indicative of an unrealistic expectation) be easy. If someone else's life looks easy to me, it only means that I haven't bothered to investigate. In The Road Less Traveled,  M Scott Peck wrote, “Life is difficult. This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult - once we truly understand and accept it - then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters.” 

So, no, the way I feel is not necessarily reflective of the quality of my recovery, the quality of my life. It can be an indicator that I need to change something, or it could just be an indicator that I'm going through a growth period right now, and the (temporarily) easy ride is just over the hill.

The truth of the matter is that it doesn't matter what I feel like; what matters is how I show up. And I showed up today, and I'm very grateful I did. My feelings, in this case, do not reflect reality. Reality is in what I do. And, to me, that's recovery.

Namasté, 

Ken

Time to Let Go

I've let go of two things in the past two days - Facebook and sugar - and, oh my gosh, is it painful! Inside it is; from the outside, I don't think anybody would notice. I'm letting go of things that I know I use as palliatives - substances and behaviors to soothe uncomfortable feelings. 

I'm letting go of these things for my physical, my mental, and my spiritual health. Physically, I'm 30 to 40 pounds overweight, depending upon which guidelines one uses. To illustrate what sugar does with me physically, I'll note that I've lost 5 pounds in 2 days of no sugar and very little carbohydrates. There is a sort of withdrawal, but it's not nearly as bad as withdrawal from many other addictive drugs. I'm making it through the cravings by realizing how good I'll feel at a lighter weight and how much more in control I'll feel without the highs and lows of sugar use. There are other physical issues as well, the main one being that I'm avoiding diabetes. I've got some super-tough heavy-duty organs, but everything wears out eventually, and I'd like to use whatever control I have over maintaining my health. My use of Facebook affects my physical health because the time I'm spending on Facebook is time that I'm not exercising, and sometimes not sleeping.

I'm not sure how much a role in my mental and emotional health sugar plays, but I've been doing some reading, and some sources say it plays a huge role. I don't know how much of a role it plays in my mental health because I have never gotten off of sugar. I was raised on Coca-Cola and Chips Ahoy cookies and sweet desserts. Alcohol is sugar in another form. Maybe it's like crack sugar. I do know that when I indulge in a lot of sugary snacks at night, I wake up in the morning with sort of a hangover. I use sugar to relax after work (ice cream) or during work (candy). I would rather like to use some of the healthy coping skills I know to see how well they work. 

Facebook is kind of strange for me. I've gotten a world of good out of it, and I've also allowed it to affect the way I feel in a negative way. I see it as a handy tool for well-disciplined folks. I don't think I fit into that category. For me, right now, it allows me to isolate a little too much. I believe actual human contact is beneficial for my all-around health. Also, Facebook is one of those things I go to when I feel uncomfortable, and, again, I'm going to move toward using healthier (to me) coping skills when I feel uncomfortable.

Spiritually, there is nothing wrong with Facebook, and there is nothing wrong with sugar. When I discover my place in the Universe, and begin to discover my oneness with the Universe, I recognize that there is nothing created that does not belong. Sugar has a place, and so does Facebook. Alcohol, opium, and the coca plant have a place and a purpose as well. What I must examine is my relationship to what is in my life. Alcohol played an important role in my life - it kept me alive when otherwise I would have killed myself, and the resulting addiction led me into a new way of life. Alcohol is no longer necessary or desirable in my life, and I've let it go. Depression is a result of intense dissatisfaction with life along with a belief that I'm powerless to change. Without that dissatisfaction, I would not have bothered to change; without that feeling of powerlessness, I might not have begun my search for my personal power, which resides within me (yet is still sometimes elusive). Depression may still have some purpose in my life, because it still comes to visit - it just doesn't stay as long or leave such a mess. My recovery from alcoholism and depression has led me to a lot of very awesome people, a career, and an avocation. 

So Facebook and sugar aren't detrimental to my spirituality. Neither is alcohol, so long as I don't consume any. But what happens is sometimes I allow things to become a higher power to me. When I rely upon stuff that's 'out there', rather than on my Higher Power, I'm not getting the full benefit of my connection with the Universe. I was using sugar and Facebook to avoid parts of life (I still use other things to avoid life too - it's just sugar and Facebook that I'm letting go of right now). When I hit a wall at work, or didn't want to do something at home, I was on Facebook. When I didn't want to feel discomfort, I indulged in sugar. So, one could say that I spoiled my relationship with Facebook and sugar by using them for purpose for which they aren't intended (for me). So I let them go. (I may use Facebook again if I can find a way to use it as a communication tool, and not an excuse for not doing the dishes). 

What am I going to allow to come into the space left by letting go of Facebook and sugar? Tune in tomorrow.

Namasté, 

Ken

Stigma Revisited

First impressions can be lasting. They don't have to be, but, sometimes they are. I continue to discover the cognitive distortions (thinking errors) in which I engage that need to be corrected, or adjusted. Usually the problem with a cognitive distortion, as the term implies, is that there is some element of truth in every thought - it's just that I've distorted it, for whatever reason. I think that most often cognitive distortions are assumptions and suppositions that are applied too broadly, or sometimes too permanently.

I have heard that alcoholism is a disease of perception, and I know that major depressive disorder is as well. For me, I can take a grain of truth and create a beach of misery. A great deal of my recovery involves discovering my distortions, accepting that I have them and operate by them, and practicing moving my thinking toward something more workable in my life. It's a lot of work for me. A half-century of bad thinking habits doesn't get turned around in one day, just because I realize my thinking sucks. I had to have a lot of help in the beginning, and sometimes still need help to see where my thinking is tripping me up - creating less-than-desirable results in my life.

So what does all this have to do with stigma? As I've mentioned once or twice before, the default for the human brain is auto-pilot. It's a mechanism designed to protect us, so that we don't have to consciously repeat our thinking every time we see a snake <DANGER!>. It's a good mechanism, very protective, but it's not always true. We may get scared by things that look like a snake - a gnarled stick, for instance. We might decide that anything with scales is bad for us, and transfer our fear of snakes onto harmless fish. According to the first thing that came up when I Googled it, stigma is "a mark of disgrace associated with a particular circumstance, quality, or person." I can stigmatize myself, and have often done so, and I can stigmatize others.

I attended a class a few days ago, and learned some more about the human brain, which, big surprise, really interests me. The brain is a hugely complex organ, even more complex than what I had previously thought. It seems a miracle to me that we don't have more breakdowns. But what struck me is this: Our two most noticeable organs our body has are our skin (yes, the skin is an organ) and our brain. The skin, because it's our clothing - it's what people see about us - and our brain, because the workings of our brain show up in our speech and behavior. So, if to the beholder, someone's skin looks different than our own, or their behavior is different than we expect, the beholder's little reptilian brain can go into yellow or even red alert. If we see somebody who appears or behaves outside of our 'normal' range, we take notice. It happens naturally.

There are lots of types of stigma, but here, I'll focus on appearances and behavior. Many years ago, my very first real job was at a sheltered workshop for developmentally disabled adults. Now, many people with a developmental disability (what used to be called mental retardation) have physical appearances outside the norm. Let's pick on folks born with Down Syndrome, a disorder caused by a chromosomal mutation before birth. People who live with down syndrome are often mildly to moderately developmentally delayed. Physically, "A few of the common physical traits of Down syndrome are low muscle tone, small stature, an upward slant to the eyes, and a single deep crease across the center of the palm – although each person with Down syndrome is a unique individual and may possess these characteristics to different degrees, or not at all. (https://www.ndss.org/about-down-syndrome/down-syndrome) [emphasis added]. The very first thought someone might have when they encounter a person with Down Syndrome is, "They're different." Stigma starts when the person who has that thought never bothers to think past that first thought. Stigma continues on when the person attaches a judgment to their first thought - "they're different, so they're bad (or dangerous, or stupid, or evil, etc)." The disgrace of being born with Down Syndrome. That's stigma - attaching a negative judgment to someone, most often for something over which they have no control.

So often folks are pre-judged base on the condition with which they live, not on their behavior. To get past the initial thought, one very often has to get to know someone - to sit down and talk with someone, and listen, and work at understanding. One has to look past the outer appearance, and past the brain, to see who is really in there. It takes time, it takes patience, it takes intention, it takes effort. Mother Teresa said she saw Jesus in everyone she met. In order for her to do that, she had to look. She had to put forth the effort, because most of the people she dealt with were sick and impoverished. 

I love people today that years ago I would have avoided. But the truth for me is that for years and years I only judged myself by my skin, my gender, and my brain. I felt ugly, I learned growing up that men were bad, so I was bad, and my brain surely didn't work right at all. It's no wonder I wanted to die. When I was given the opportunity to challenge my thinking and my beliefs, I began to see a Ken that I had never known. I began to see a multi-talented, kind, caring individual who really does have a pretty big heart, once all the calcium was chipped away. And I began to know that I am more than my looks, I'm more than my gender, and I'm more than my brain, and I began to become ok with all of me. I don't know if I started with me, or with other people, but I also began the scary and challenging work of getting to know others beyond their labels. And I stopped being so afraid of people. I began to see that, as we say in NAMI, we have more similarities than differences.

Here's the spiritual part of all of this - spirituality is about developing the ability to see and believe beyond appearances. It's about looking for the universal Truth that we are all children of a loving and benevolent Universe, and discovering that Truth in ourselves and others, and then living that Truth. We are all connected; that is why what I give out returns to me. So I seek to know you, the real you, underneath your human shell, because in getting to know you, I also get to know me, and I get to know God.

Namasté

Ken

This Is Not A Post About Voting

It is a post about what mental illness feels like sometimes. And, in this case, just mental weirdness, because the thoughts and anxiety did not adversely effect my life, they just made me uncomfortable. But, discomfort is often the precursor of growth, I've found, so maybe I grew a little tonight.

I voted tonight. We had a primary election for state supreme court and municipal judgeship. Not a big deal, perhaps, but it was an ordeal for me! 

I don't know that I've ever voted twice in the same location. I've moved around quite a bit, I suppose. So, I'm in my new location, and I have to find the polling place. I did my research last night, and found it - about 300 feet from where I live. But, I'm anxious. I know I'll have to re-register, or change my address, and something about that - something about being examined - puts me on edge. 

So, I go to vote, and find out it's not my polling place. It 'should' be my polling place, I'm thinking, because it's only 300 feet from where I live! Already I'm anxious, and now I'm getting frustrated. 2 of the ladies there kept asking me my name and address, even after I'd already told them that they wouldn't find it in their books because I was nowhere near my last polling place and apparently nowhere near my current one. A third lady is very helpful, looking up my current address in the master book to help me find the correct polling place. Inside I'm twisting, but on the outside I'm very calm and appreciative. I thank the kind lady and let her know I appreciate her help. (The more frustrated I am, the better I thank people - doing the opposite of what I feel has become a pretty good habit).

I go the whole 300 feet home, and look on my computer to verify the information the nice lady at the polling place gave me. The first website I go to isn't working right, and the other site is lunky and doesn't seem to be user friendly (not this user, anyway, in that moment). I feel like giving up. Again, take a deep breath, and do the opposite. I want to text my landlady because she's a poll worker, and, seeing as she lives below me, she probably knows where I should go. But I don't. I drive to the location (maybe a whole mile away, as the crow flies) to vote.

I did have to re-register, and fill out the government form, and make sure my i's were dotted and t's crossed. Very fortunately, I was at ease again, because my landlady helped me fill out the form. Then things got a bit tense again, as I presented my ID to another lady, and signed the register and got my ballot. I finally voted, and had to ask which way the ballot goes into the machine. Fortunately, it goes in any which way. They know with whom they're dealing. So, that dreadful task is done, but I'm drained because of all of the energy spent on being anxious. But I got through it, and knew that I felt better than if I'd given up and not voted.

I am believing more and more today that every feeling of discomfort - emotional, mental, or physical, has something to tell me. Now, this isn't about getting through a mental health crisis. Nobody needed to be called; I wasn't a risk to myself or others (unless you think I voted for the wrong people). But I got the message that there is something within me that could use some examination (notice I didn't say there's something 'wrong' with me). Here are what I came up with as the possible causes for this little bit of anxiety:

• Fear of rejection, or worse, fear of getting laughed at or yelled at.
• The feeling that I still have that I'm always somehow 'wrong', and this was a brilliant opportunity to let someone point it out to me.
• Closely related, the feeling that I'm somehow 'illegitimate' because of the life I've lived. People like me who have been to prison and/or been homeless feel that way. (By the way, felons in Wisconsin can vote if they are discharged from parole, and I've been off of parole for about 15 years). Vagrancy isn't all that far behind me where I can feel comfortable with who I am doing what I'm doing 100% of the time.
• Hyper-concern for self, which is one of the symptoms of alcoholism, and I think goes hand-in-hand with most mental illness.

So what's a fellow to do? Please note here that I am speaking for myself; I no longer suffer a lot of symptoms, so when I do, it's noteworthy. Some people deal with this stuff day in and day out. But anxiety is anxiety, and if left untreated, leads to worse things, like depression and even return to substance use. 

I know what isn't best for me when I feel this way - it's not in my best interest to medicate the anxiety; it's not in my best interest to run from it; it's not in my best interest to wish I didn't have it and kick myself around for being 'less-than.'

What is best for me to do:

• As I mentioned above, treat it as an opportunity - an opportunity to learn from my mind and my body, and an opportunity to grow, and to gain experience (again, it's not about the voting!).
• Mediate (not medicate) the symptoms so I don't become overwhelmed. I do this by becoming aware, by breathing, and by asking myself "What would happen if...?" I imagine worst case scenarios. I imagine what might happen if I ran away, or if I used. I imagine what might happen if the nice ladies at the polling places laughed at me or yelled at me or treated me rudely. (Which reminds me of my experience in the call center, and I'll let you know that if you are a rude caller or otherwise strange, yes, we do talk about you with each other after the call is over).
• As I am facing or embracing whatever the situation is, try to imagine where the anxiety (the 4-syllable word for 'fear') is coming from.
• During this whole process, and this is very important, I refrain from beating myself up. It's not that I don't want to; that's been my habit for years and years and years. It's just that it does no good whatsoever. Nada. Nothing. Zilch. Again, look at it as a learning experience, an opportunity to connect with my Higher Power, and an opportunity to get stronger and wiser. My thoughts aren't wrong; they're just thoughts. My feelings aren't wrong to have; they're just feelings. It's what I do with them, and today my actions were in-line. If I didn't write and publish this tonight, nobody in the world would know I went through this. It's not a big deal. 
• I congratulate myself for making it through (and in other situations, I've forgiven myself for avoiding), and I thank my Higher Power for the strength and courage to go through it. Then I thank It for the wisdom which will surely come from this experience.

Very few people who live with a mental health condition are mentally ill 100% of the time. We have moments of lucidity. We have moments where we can see clearly what to do. I believe when I have these moments, it is best for me to seize them and use them for all it's worth. Yes, it's very important to vote. For me, however, it's vitally more important that I get over those things within me that would keep me from being of maximum service to the Universe and to my fellow human beings. I get these opportunities all of the time. I've had these opportunities all of my life, but I used to put all of my energies into covering them up or evading them. Today, my good emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual health depends upon me facing and embracing what is mine to face and embrace, and I am extremely grateful for the courage, strength, and willingness to do just that.

Namasté,

Ken