Standing Firm in My Path

 Trigger warning: This post may offend you. If it does, please know that offense can only be taken, not given. If you are offended, I suggest you ask your Higher Power to help you discover what part of you is in need of healing. That's what I do when I take offense.

It is not my intention to offend you. This post, and all of my posts, are about me, not you. My intention is to use my gifts and my experience to inform, enlighten, heal, and inspire.

I want to thank the person who religiously bullied me on Facebook. This person basically called one of my practices evil, and said I needed to steer clear of false gods. I want to thank this person because this person pushed a button in me. They pushed the button labeled You are wrong and you are going to hell. I was angry and I was hurt, and the rest of my day was consumed with thoughts of this person and people who behave in the same manner as this person. I want to thank this person because they helped me move toward seeking healing for a hurt that exists deep within me. I want to thank this person because I allowed them to push me to a place where I felt I had to connect with my Creator and ask, "What's going on here and what do I need to do?"

You see, as a young adult I experienced religious bullying. Religious bullying is when one person says to another, "You are wrong and you are going to hell because you don't believe what I believe, or because my god hates you because of the way you are." I feel attacked when I hear this from someone. I feel like the person is saying to me, "You don't deserve to be," and, for some reason, that affects me deeply. Let me state here that I believe that it would be a very unskillful action on my part to tell this to anyone. I also believe that it's a very unskillful action on someone else's part to say this to me if they are trying to attract me to their way of thinking and believing.

I honor your path. I have an understanding that Spirit, our Creator, is within each of us, meaning I know God is within you and me, loving us, supporting us, guiding us, healing us, protecting us. I believe that one of my tasks is to find out how to make and maintain my connection with Spirit - to make the 18 inch trip from my head down into my heart, to take what in my head I know to be True, and to let it engulf my entire being so that I can live the Truth more and more each day. It's a challenging but (mostly) enjoyable enlightening task!

I was deeply offended by what this person wrote, so I knew it was time for me to heal something within. My head says, "Boy, that's dumb - they just labelled as evil the practices of some of the most compassionate and peaceful people I know on Earth." My head knew that, but if I was offended or hurt by what this person wrote, that means there is some doubt or fear within me that needs some healing. You see, if I am strong in my faith, if I know with all of my being that I am on the right path, nothing anyone can say or do will knock me off - that I will stand firm in my path. This person didn't knock me off, but I teetered a bit!

There is a reason that God, or Source, or My Creator (or whatever you want to call the Loving Force that underlies everyone and everything and makes life life), there is a reason that God cannot get angry (despite what some spiritual scriptures say): God is God. Anger comes from hurt or fear. I cannot make God angry because I can't do anything to make God afraid. God is God, and It knows it! Nobody can knock God off of It's throne! This is because my Higher Power, God, the Universe, is omniscient, omnipotent, and omnipresent. I can't sneak up on God and sucker punch It, and I don't believe that you can either.

I am really very, very fortunate that I grew up in a family that believed in religious freedom - the right of each one of us to choose our own path toward God. We didn't grow up hating Jews or Catholics or anybody else whose beliefs and practices were different from ours. I have two siblings, and all three of us practice our faith in a different tradition than the one we were raised in, and a different tradition than each other. Yet we know (I hope) that we're all on the path that works for us. 

My siblings' paths have names; mine doesn't. I don't call myself anything. The reason for this is because I have studied and experienced many faith traditions (religions) and I can't believe 100% of any of them. All faith traditions have a lot of Truth in them - our Creator is always willing to guide us back to It - but there are elements in the doctrines of each that I just can't buy into. Here is what has been attributed to Jesus in Matthew 5:33-37 (NIV) in the Sermon on the Mount about taking oaths (which many of the religions have asked me to do), and His words ring True to me:

33 “Again, you have heard that it was said to the people long ago, ‘Do not break your oath, but fulfill to the Lord the vows you have made.’ 34 But I tell you, do not swear an oath at all: either by heaven, for it is God’s throne; 35 or by the earth, for it is his footstool; or by Jerusalem, for it is the city of the Great King. 36 And do not swear by your head, for you cannot make even one hair white or black.[I know that's right!] 37 All you need to say is simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything beyond this comes from the evil one. [Emphases added]

My interpretation of this, and I interpret the Bible and other scriptures metaphysically, not literally (usually), is to listen for the Truth intuitively. That's what I do. I have something within that says this resonates with me, and that doesn't, and I work on uncovering and trusting the still, small voice within, the intuition that my Creator gave me, that tells me what's right for me and what's not. It's my inner GPS. Obviously, I don't always hear it or follow it, and that's why I'm still here practicing. I believe Jesus was recommending that I not become attached to any one idea as a final and inviolable truth, but to become openminded and openhearted so that I can find the Truth in my heart. My faith is open-ended, meaning there is always going to be something more for me to discover about God, me, the Universe, and life.

Does this sound wacky to you? That's ok - some of your beliefs sound wacky to me. But you know what? I believe that you are exactly where you need to be on your path, whether you believe this or that, or even if you believe nothing at all. I trust that our Creator is guiding you and me and all of us back to It because we are all children of the One Creator.

This is what I believe about why we were created: That our Creator desires to know Itself, and our Creator can't know itself without contrast. God is All Loving and can't be anything but, so His Creation (us) can give Him contrast, because we aren't All Loving all the time. Sometimes we think and act out of fear, which is the opposite of Love. God is perfect, but can't know it without the contrast of Imperfection, and that is why we're not perfect.

I don't believe hell exists, except in the space between my ears. It's there, and I still visit it from time to time. But if hell is an actual physical place, then God is there because God is omnipresent, and God is watching literally billions of souls that It created burn for eternity because they did not believe perfectly in Him. To me, that doesn't sound like something a loving Creator could do.  First of all, I believe hell is intensely cold, not hot. But more importantly, hell (suffering) exists in my consciousness when I begin moving away from my connection with Spirit, and begin listening to my fear. 

I practice wise speech. This means that I endeavor to make my words, both spoken and written, kind, compassionate, true, and uplifting. I don't always reach that standard, but I do most of the time. So my response to the person who condemned some of the people whose concepts of life I like was a firm, kind, and informing response. I suggested this person look up on Google a couple of the foundation beliefs of these folk and judge whether or not for himself if the concepts they try to practice are evil. And then I let this person know that I don't really care for unsolicited advice. I didn't unfriend this person, but I have unfollowed him a long time ago. This person condemned some folks (and me in my head) following a response I gave to a person who responded to my main post. In other words, this person butted in on a conversation I was having with someone else in order to call that person evil. Oh-kay! In my head I had a number of responses, but I chose to respond with kindness and truth.

Ok. In this post I've shared some of my basic spiritual beliefs. Do I expect you to believe them? No! You can if you want, it's up to you. Do I condemn you for believing differently than me? Absolutely not (at least not out loud)! Do you know why? It's because I believe if I condemn you, then I'm condemning Our Creator too, because Our Creator lives in each of us no matter what. It is impossible to be apart from our Creator in Truth no matter what we do or do not think or do. I believe in God in you, I believe in God as you, and I believe in the unseen process that is bringing each of us ultimately back to God. If you find that, or anything I've written, offensive, please know that it isn't my intention to offend. It's only my intention to share a little bit about how I aspire to look at my Creator, myself, you, and every other bit of Creation. I'm describing a bit of my path. My thoughts and actions do not always reflect what I believe and what I want to believe. I am far from perfect about practicing my own faith, but each day I endeavor to allow my Creator to pull me closer in consciousness and behavior to It.

So do I see people and situations that make me say "what the heck?" Yes! Every day! And each time I see something that I think is weird or off or even evil (yes, I have those thoughts!), it is an opportunity for me to look for my Creator in that person or situation, because He is there. God does some wacky stuff sometimes to get to know Itself!

So the purpose of this post is for me to become vulnerable and share some of the beliefs that I currently hold that inform my thinking and actions today. It is also to suggest that if you take offense at any part of this post and feel like attacking me or my beliefs, that you might want to take a real good look inside to see what fear my words trigger within you. It's not a bad thing - uncomfortable feelings help us to discover faults in our connection with Spirit and possibly rectify those thoughts - improve our connection.

I am extremely grateful for the connection with Spirit that I enjoy today, and I am extremely grateful for the path I'm on. If you would like to share some of your beliefs that are helping you in this lifetime, I am very open to hearing them; however, if you try to shove your beliefs down my throat, please know that I might vomit on you.

Namasté,

Ken

Facing Fear and Anxiety

I'm posting at the public library today because it's open, I haven't been here yet, the Chromebook I was using at the house is in use by another, and I needed to get out of the house. So there's 4 ways I just dealt with anxiety - doing 2 things I love - writing and riding; getting some exercise (riding); and getting out of the house. I don't do this stuff naturally; my first response to fear and/or anxiety is to want to escape in some way, such as eating, sleeping, or taking medication. Those aren't the best options for me, because it's more like walking around the anxiety rather than dealing with it.

I wanted to write about fear again. It feels like my fear and anxiety levels lately have been the highest they've ever been, but I doubt that's true since in the past I did 5 years in jails and prisons and 4 years in high school. But what is surprising to me is how intense it seems sometimes. It's been getting better over the past few weeks, and I think part of it is that I've been having a weekly EMDR session with my therapist for the past 3 weeks (first time with EMDR) and I've noticed a solid increase in my overall mood and thinking, and a fair decrease in fear and anxiety.

I thought, too, that perhaps something I might write might be helpful to some of my readers, as we're going through this pandemic and the resulting restrictions on our movement. I will mention that I have not suffered as some have - I've missed in-person recovery meetings and I haven't been able to get a haircut (until this week 👨) or go to the church I want to start attending (although they are on Facebook); however, I also believe most fear and anxiety is unwarranted, and that's the kind of fear and anxiety I'll be talking about. In other words, even though our specific situations are different, the problem is the same. So here we go:

First, let us release any judgment or self-condemnation about the way we are feeling. Feelings are feelings, and as humans, we're going to have them. Putting all sorts of 'shoulds' and 'should nots' on ourselves is shaming, and drives the problem deeper. Two months ago I experienced a crisis requiring hospitalization. While at the hospital,  a nurse mentioned to me, in a kind way, that a lot of people right now are going through stressful times. I realized she was right; I'm not  alone. My sponsor is very helpful  in normalizing how I feel - he understands that I'm in a stressful  position (early recovery, basically unemployed, and one step from homelessness), and he lets me know that it's normal for me to feel things like anxiety, frustration, and sometimes hopelessness. I needed to hear that from him - beating myself up for not being able to go through  a situation like a superhero (who are all fictional) is unwarranted, unnecessary, and damaging to my psyche and my recovery. It's okay to be human and to feel the weight of the world once in a while. 

The first healthy thing I can do to prevent/alleviate anxiety is to work to keep me and my head in today. Living a day at a time is a practice, but it's a good one. When I was getting confirmed in the church I attended growing up, we had to choose a Bible verse for our confirmation ceremony. I was not as familiar with the Bible as I am now, but I ran across some verses that really resonated with me at the time, and still do now. They are the words attributed to Jesus in Matthew 6:25-34. Verse 34 says, " Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." (NIV) Most of my worries have nothing to do with what is happening right now. Right now, in this moment, I am fine, and I have everything I need - food, clothing, safe shelter, decent transportation - plus the tools I need to be in this moment - a computer, a working  brain and fingers, etc. A minister/counselor gave me a simple  tool  to remind myself to reel it back in, and that is to ask myself, "Where am I and what time is it," and the answer is "right here, right now." Right here right now may not be where I want to stay, but I have to accept exactly where I am at before I can effectively move on. I can only prepare for tomorrow; I can't live there. Worrying about tomorrow, whatever it is, is negative use of my imagination. If I'm going to put my head in the future, why not imagine a good one? Better yet, what if I just have faith in right action, and not have any expectations regarding results? Living in the moment gives me resilience, which is so important for good mental and emotional health, as well as sobriety. The set of verses quoted above also say "But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." (Matthew 6:33, NIV) This tells me that if I put connecting with my Higher Power first, if I make it my priority today, then everything else I need I will have.

And speaking of faith, faith is the first thing to go when fear, doubt, and anxiety rise up. Fear is ego, and my ego is always worried about the future, and does not trust that a Higher Power has things well in hand. Better than half of my recovery is building (right now, re-building) faith, and practicing faith on the sunny days so that when the rains come, I'm not totally overwhelmed.

A good faith builder is daily gratitude, which also relieves anxiety. I belong to a Facebook gratitude group, and I usually post daily, listing the things for which I'm grateful. It can start with, "I am grateful I am alive." Gratitude compels me to look for the good in my life, and as it turns out, what I focus on increases; so when I focus on what I think is going right, I find more things for which to be grateful.

Next, I need to turn off the news. I don't usually turn it on, but I'm not in charge of the TV where I'm currently living. The TV is on every morning, and it's tuned to the news. I try not to let it get my attention. One morning, one of my housemates, who wasn't really watching the TV, but was hearing it, said, "I really hate these newscasters. They're always talking over each other." And I said, "Good! I don't like it either!" and I turned off the TV. Blessed silence! I'm programmed to think I need to watch the news in order to know what's going on. It's not true. When I'm living in the moment, I do not need to know what's going on somewhere else. I only need to know what's going on in front of me. Now, obviously, I'm not isolated from world events; but I have a tendency when I watch the news to let what's going on play over and over in my head. It's depressing, it's stressful, it erodes hope. Even while not actively pursuing current events, I still get flashes - the first thing on my phone is news (I can't control that on this particular plan), and sometimes I click on it.  It's like driving by a car wreck - I have to look! 99% of what's on the news does not have anything to do with what challenges I'll face today. It's unnecessary, and the news sells one thing - fear. If the world ends tomorrow, or maybe tonight, I probably won't need a newscast to figure it out. So I leave the news behind (except for weather - I have my weather app, and I don't use the one that sensationalizes weather events - 'Dangerous Heat Wave in Southwest!' Well, no shit, Sherlock - this is Arizona, it gets a little toasty sometimes).

Another activity that really helps me avoid anxiety, fear, and depression, is aerobic exercise - walking, and riding my bike. I often walk at least three miles a day, briskly, and that is enough for my body to produce chemicals that make me feel good inside. And being physically healthy supports good mental health. And while I'm walking, I can practice being here now. I can concentrate on how my body feels, and/or I can open my eyes to the scenery around me. I did not miss Spring this year (and it was quick!). There have been times over the years that I missed spring totally, because I wasn't present. One day I'm trudging through slush, and the next day it's warm and all the leaves are out and we're fully into Summer, and I'm wondering what became of Spring! It's because I had my head tucked up my you-know-where. Anyway, exercise is one thing that can help me keep focused on the present, and it has so many other benefits as well.

One of my exercises is really good for dealing with fear - bicycling. When I first got my bike, I was afraid of the upward hill that goes out of the subdivision. There's no way out without a hill; however, I faced my fear and took on the hill. And I do it every morning. It's a little easier now, but it's still a big hill. And then, if I take a certain route home, there's a really big downhill piece. I go charging through there, and I've gotten a top speed of 34 mph (speed limit is 25. I've never been much for rules).  I've gone faster, once, but 34 is still fast on a bicycle. You don't want to have to do any quick maneuvers at that speed. But bicycling has always been a way to deal with fear, because there's always something about which to be fearful! Am I going to get a flat? Am I going to get so far out, I can't get back? Am I going to get run over? Each time I get on my bike I face one or more of those questions, and each time I've ridden it's been okay. 

I talk with healthy people who are living in the solution rather than the problem. That's one of the reasons it's good for me to get out of the house I'm living in - I'm not relating very well to people who mainly discuss past exploits. People who live in the solution are people who know what's going on and discuss positive possibilities. People who live in the problem gripe about how bad things are for themselves. The griping does nothing good - it only intensifies whatever problem is going on.

One thing I haven't done very much that helps is reaching out and seeing how I can be of service to others. I've been somewhat self-absorbed lately, which might be justified. I used to reach out to people at recovery meetings; we didn't have in-person meetings for a couple of months, but we did have Zoom meetings and such. I have phone numbers of other people in recovery, but I haven't reached out to anyone but my sponsor. It's difficult to pick up the phone just to say, "Hey, how ya doin," but I'm going to do it.

While reaching out, find out what others are doing to deal with the current stresses. Calling is good, and a lot of people have Facebook. People on Facebook deal with the world situation in a lot of ways. I'm looking at a lot of my conversations, and I'm not all that open with how well or not-well I'm coping. I'm very often 'fine'. We may not be able to see our friends and family face-to-face, but there are other ways to reach out and give and take support. We're never in anything alone!

Have you ever noticed that days that start well usually go well, whereas days that start shitty often stay shitty? My morning disposition has a lot to do with how I'm going to feel throughout the day. A good morning for me starts out with getting up on time, a shower, prayer, meditation, and breakfast (plus dressing and all that). A poor morning starts out with getting up late, maybe shower or maybe not, say a quick prayer, bolt out the house, and get my breakfast at CVS. I have to feel purpose, and if I'm awake and running just to get through the day - that's not really purpose for me. I need to know that something I'm going to do today is going to make a difference, and what generates that condition is my connection with Spirit, which I reaffirm through prayer and meditation. And, importantly, getting up well is often dependent on how I go to sleep. Have I let go of any troubles from the day? Have I allowed myself to wind down, or do I keep going until bedtime and just crash? How I end my night has a lot to do with how I start the next day.

When my mood or vibe is good, my mind feels strong and my thinking clear. I'm much more able to deal with fear and anxiety when I'm not depressed. Additionally, when I'm not depressed, my mind and my heart are more open, and I'm able to see a lot more opportunities and possibilities. I'm able to ask, "What can I do today to make this a better day for myself or someone else?", and when I go into the day with this attitude, opportunities present themselves. Fear and anxiety is about doomsday, basically. Living in faith and recovery is about asking, "What can I add to the stream of life today?" Something for me to remember is that I've never created a situation that God couldn't make better, and I can live through this day successfully with His help. Things may not always turn out  the way I envision they should (oops, there's that s-word), and with faith and vision, they turn out better. I've survived so much in my life, I should (oops, there's that word again) never fear again; however, the truth is that I deal with it every day on some level, and it may be the thorn in my side that keeps me coming back to Spirit.

Thanks for reading!

Namasté,

Ken

It's All Inside All of Us

When I was 10, 11, or 12, I read a book titled Jonathan Livingston Seagull by Richard Bach. It's a book about a seagull who is dissatisfied with his ordinary seagull life, and sets out to learn to fly - to really fly, not just commute to get his daily food. It's a quick read, and I recommend it. There is also a version on YouTube, narrated by Richard Harris. I started listening to it, but the style of narration and the music put me off. You might enjoy it, however.

I believe this book started, or at least validated, my quest for something more. As I've mentioned once or twice before in this blog, I've never been one to be satisfied very long with life as it appears on the surface. I've always searched deeper. I am blessed in that I grew up in a home with parents of different faith traditions. I don't have as much dogma as some people have, and I had permission to explore what was out there as far as religion goes, and explore I did. I also never had any indoctrination that one way of believing was any better or worse than another way. I am grateful for that. I have plenty of stuff to unlearn in this lifetime, but I don't have any sense of guilt that some might experience from staying home on a Sunday morning, or that I currently do not hold membership in any organized religious body. And I may become a member of a spiritual fellowship in the future, if Spirit moves me to do so.

Even with all this freedom, spirituality has been slow to develop with me. I read and hear spiritual information that rings true to me, but have had difficulty over the years internalizing what I hear and read. It's as though part of me really grasps onto it, and part of me rejects it. The path from my head to my heart is often a lot longer than the physical 18 inches. 

But what I wanted to write about today is the concept that God, or Spirit, or Source, or Creator, or whatever term fits best for you, is inside each and every one of us. Not just because we've been baptized, or confirmed, or had our willies snipped - the Spirit of the Universe is within us since birth. Our connection to Source is our birthright. I understand that many faiths say one must go through some sort of ceremony to get God, but even in the Christian tradition, Jesus did not indicate that. "And when he was demanded of the Pharisees, when the kingdom of God should come, he answered them and said, 'The kingdom of God cometh not with observation:  Neither shall they say, Lo here! or, lo there! for, behold, the kingdom of God is within you'." (Luke 17:20-21, KJV) (I think the red lettering is a nice touch). Jesus' statement comes with no qualifiers. Jesus' mission on Earth was to show others how to connect with God, and if there had been qualifiers, surely He would have mentioned them? Many of the commonly accepted qualifiers for becoming a child of God expressed in the Christian faiths originated from theologians after Jesus' death. 

The concept of a Higher Power being already factory-installed within us is important in recovery. I do believe for myself that a Higher Power is necessary to recover from addiction and mental illness, and understanding that it is already present is often essential. Both addiction and mental health conditions come with a lot of shame - we believe we're bad, defective people. Certainly God, who is all good, would have nothing to do with us because we're deficient, defective, and just plain bad. That's not just theory; millions, perhaps billions, of people feel cut off from Source because of what they've done or who their society says they are. The problem is that we are unable to live up to God's standards. 

But, lo and behold, mainstream religion has given us an out - if we repent, we can experience redemption and be saved. That means, if we we renounce our former lives, and behave ourselves and start doing certain things, God will love us unconditionally, and everything will be great.

There are a couple of problems with this: for people with mental health issues or addiction issues, it's really difficult, if not impossible, to shed the shame of being a sinful, defective human being, so we bring our sense of shame into this perfect relationship with God, and that automatically sullies the relationship. Self-forgiveness is not an easy task! Second, to anybody who thinks too much, and usually people who live with mental health conditions think way too much for their own good, this concept of receiving conditional unconditional love doesn't really make sense. 

What If

Try this on for size: The Hebrew Bible in Genesis 1:27 (KJV) tells us that, "So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them." It's fairly obvious that we didn't create ourselves, and if God created us, He probably created us as He is, seeing as He had nothing else to go on. So, if we're direct descendants of Source, we must have everything It has. Everything. Meaning, perhaps, (heretic alert) we have as much power, energy, and love within us as God has. Meaning, also, that it would also be very hard for Source to hate and reject Its own creation.  

God, in order to be God, is Omniscient (all knowing), Omnipotent (all powerful), and Omnipresent (everywhere).  The omniscient part means that nothing gets by God. Nothing. Even if you have the covers on. So is it possible, seeing that God is Omniscient, Omnipotent, and Omnipresent, for His creation, created in His image, to do anything that goes against His grain? If God is all good, and He created everything (including us) how can anything be bad?

Now try this on for size: What if we're eternal beings - our consciousnesses are points or particles (or maybe waves) of Source, and we've always been and always will be. We already know Source is creative - look up into the night sky, and you can see it! What if we're eternal beings, and this particular life is a physical incarnation that we chose, and we come to Earth as little bundles of Source, with all the attributes of Source, but completely dependent upon others for our physical survival? What if, in the struggle to maintain this physical existence, we forget where we came from and who we really are? 

What if the point of all of this is that Source wants to experience all the infinite possibilities of physical life, and that's why we're here? What if part of the joy of living is the journey back to remembering who we really are? What if all of the discomfort and pain and hurt we experience in this lifetime comes from our forgetfulness of who we really are?

And what if it is possible to live as Jesus (and a few others) have - in complete knowing of our Oneness with the Creator while we're here in this physical plane? What if part of our purpose is to discover our own Divinity and to share our experience with others searching for theirs? What would that look like?

So that's the whole deal for me - my life, right now, is about understanding that I am learning to release my little higher powers (addictions, shame, dysfunctional thinking, beliefs in disconnect) in order to remember that I Am connected to Source, and that my life is very important because while I am experiencing it, so is Source, and Source has never experienced life like this before. What if Source loves me even when I don't? What if Source is always available to me, I just have to learn how to tune into the right frequency?

This is actually working in my life. I come from a hopeless state of mind and body to a person living successfully among his peers. Much of my path has been and is unlearning the things I've learned that don't match my vision of Source. I do that in many ways - therapy, recovery programs, fellowship with others on the same path, reading and learning new ways of looking at life, prayer and meditation.

I still want to learn to fly.

Namasté

Ken