Standing Firm in My Path

 Trigger warning: This post may offend you. If it does, please know that offense can only be taken, not given. If you are offended, I suggest you ask your Higher Power to help you discover what part of you is in need of healing. That's what I do when I take offense.

It is not my intention to offend you. This post, and all of my posts, are about me, not you. My intention is to use my gifts and my experience to inform, enlighten, heal, and inspire.

I want to thank the person who religiously bullied me on Facebook. This person basically called one of my practices evil, and said I needed to steer clear of false gods. I want to thank this person because this person pushed a button in me. They pushed the button labeled You are wrong and you are going to hell. I was angry and I was hurt, and the rest of my day was consumed with thoughts of this person and people who behave in the same manner as this person. I want to thank this person because they helped me move toward seeking healing for a hurt that exists deep within me. I want to thank this person because I allowed them to push me to a place where I felt I had to connect with my Creator and ask, "What's going on here and what do I need to do?"

You see, as a young adult I experienced religious bullying. Religious bullying is when one person says to another, "You are wrong and you are going to hell because you don't believe what I believe, or because my god hates you because of the way you are." I feel attacked when I hear this from someone. I feel like the person is saying to me, "You don't deserve to be," and, for some reason, that affects me deeply. Let me state here that I believe that it would be a very unskillful action on my part to tell this to anyone. I also believe that it's a very unskillful action on someone else's part to say this to me if they are trying to attract me to their way of thinking and believing.

I honor your path. I have an understanding that Spirit, our Creator, is within each of us, meaning I know God is within you and me, loving us, supporting us, guiding us, healing us, protecting us. I believe that one of my tasks is to find out how to make and maintain my connection with Spirit - to make the 18 inch trip from my head down into my heart, to take what in my head I know to be True, and to let it engulf my entire being so that I can live the Truth more and more each day. It's a challenging but (mostly) enjoyable enlightening task!

I was deeply offended by what this person wrote, so I knew it was time for me to heal something within. My head says, "Boy, that's dumb - they just labelled as evil the practices of some of the most compassionate and peaceful people I know on Earth." My head knew that, but if I was offended or hurt by what this person wrote, that means there is some doubt or fear within me that needs some healing. You see, if I am strong in my faith, if I know with all of my being that I am on the right path, nothing anyone can say or do will knock me off - that I will stand firm in my path. This person didn't knock me off, but I teetered a bit!

There is a reason that God, or Source, or My Creator (or whatever you want to call the Loving Force that underlies everyone and everything and makes life life), there is a reason that God cannot get angry (despite what some spiritual scriptures say): God is God. Anger comes from hurt or fear. I cannot make God angry because I can't do anything to make God afraid. God is God, and It knows it! Nobody can knock God off of It's throne! This is because my Higher Power, God, the Universe, is omniscient, omnipotent, and omnipresent. I can't sneak up on God and sucker punch It, and I don't believe that you can either.

I am really very, very fortunate that I grew up in a family that believed in religious freedom - the right of each one of us to choose our own path toward God. We didn't grow up hating Jews or Catholics or anybody else whose beliefs and practices were different from ours. I have two siblings, and all three of us practice our faith in a different tradition than the one we were raised in, and a different tradition than each other. Yet we know (I hope) that we're all on the path that works for us. 

My siblings' paths have names; mine doesn't. I don't call myself anything. The reason for this is because I have studied and experienced many faith traditions (religions) and I can't believe 100% of any of them. All faith traditions have a lot of Truth in them - our Creator is always willing to guide us back to It - but there are elements in the doctrines of each that I just can't buy into. Here is what has been attributed to Jesus in Matthew 5:33-37 (NIV) in the Sermon on the Mount about taking oaths (which many of the religions have asked me to do), and His words ring True to me:

33 “Again, you have heard that it was said to the people long ago, ‘Do not break your oath, but fulfill to the Lord the vows you have made.’ 34 But I tell you, do not swear an oath at all: either by heaven, for it is God’s throne; 35 or by the earth, for it is his footstool; or by Jerusalem, for it is the city of the Great King. 36 And do not swear by your head, for you cannot make even one hair white or black.[I know that's right!] 37 All you need to say is simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything beyond this comes from the evil one. [Emphases added]

My interpretation of this, and I interpret the Bible and other scriptures metaphysically, not literally (usually), is to listen for the Truth intuitively. That's what I do. I have something within that says this resonates with me, and that doesn't, and I work on uncovering and trusting the still, small voice within, the intuition that my Creator gave me, that tells me what's right for me and what's not. It's my inner GPS. Obviously, I don't always hear it or follow it, and that's why I'm still here practicing. I believe Jesus was recommending that I not become attached to any one idea as a final and inviolable truth, but to become openminded and openhearted so that I can find the Truth in my heart. My faith is open-ended, meaning there is always going to be something more for me to discover about God, me, the Universe, and life.

Does this sound wacky to you? That's ok - some of your beliefs sound wacky to me. But you know what? I believe that you are exactly where you need to be on your path, whether you believe this or that, or even if you believe nothing at all. I trust that our Creator is guiding you and me and all of us back to It because we are all children of the One Creator.

This is what I believe about why we were created: That our Creator desires to know Itself, and our Creator can't know itself without contrast. God is All Loving and can't be anything but, so His Creation (us) can give Him contrast, because we aren't All Loving all the time. Sometimes we think and act out of fear, which is the opposite of Love. God is perfect, but can't know it without the contrast of Imperfection, and that is why we're not perfect.

I don't believe hell exists, except in the space between my ears. It's there, and I still visit it from time to time. But if hell is an actual physical place, then God is there because God is omnipresent, and God is watching literally billions of souls that It created burn for eternity because they did not believe perfectly in Him. To me, that doesn't sound like something a loving Creator could do.  First of all, I believe hell is intensely cold, not hot. But more importantly, hell (suffering) exists in my consciousness when I begin moving away from my connection with Spirit, and begin listening to my fear. 

I practice wise speech. This means that I endeavor to make my words, both spoken and written, kind, compassionate, true, and uplifting. I don't always reach that standard, but I do most of the time. So my response to the person who condemned some of the people whose concepts of life I like was a firm, kind, and informing response. I suggested this person look up on Google a couple of the foundation beliefs of these folk and judge whether or not for himself if the concepts they try to practice are evil. And then I let this person know that I don't really care for unsolicited advice. I didn't unfriend this person, but I have unfollowed him a long time ago. This person condemned some folks (and me in my head) following a response I gave to a person who responded to my main post. In other words, this person butted in on a conversation I was having with someone else in order to call that person evil. Oh-kay! In my head I had a number of responses, but I chose to respond with kindness and truth.

Ok. In this post I've shared some of my basic spiritual beliefs. Do I expect you to believe them? No! You can if you want, it's up to you. Do I condemn you for believing differently than me? Absolutely not (at least not out loud)! Do you know why? It's because I believe if I condemn you, then I'm condemning Our Creator too, because Our Creator lives in each of us no matter what. It is impossible to be apart from our Creator in Truth no matter what we do or do not think or do. I believe in God in you, I believe in God as you, and I believe in the unseen process that is bringing each of us ultimately back to God. If you find that, or anything I've written, offensive, please know that it isn't my intention to offend. It's only my intention to share a little bit about how I aspire to look at my Creator, myself, you, and every other bit of Creation. I'm describing a bit of my path. My thoughts and actions do not always reflect what I believe and what I want to believe. I am far from perfect about practicing my own faith, but each day I endeavor to allow my Creator to pull me closer in consciousness and behavior to It.

So do I see people and situations that make me say "what the heck?" Yes! Every day! And each time I see something that I think is weird or off or even evil (yes, I have those thoughts!), it is an opportunity for me to look for my Creator in that person or situation, because He is there. God does some wacky stuff sometimes to get to know Itself!

So the purpose of this post is for me to become vulnerable and share some of the beliefs that I currently hold that inform my thinking and actions today. It is also to suggest that if you take offense at any part of this post and feel like attacking me or my beliefs, that you might want to take a real good look inside to see what fear my words trigger within you. It's not a bad thing - uncomfortable feelings help us to discover faults in our connection with Spirit and possibly rectify those thoughts - improve our connection.

I am extremely grateful for the connection with Spirit that I enjoy today, and I am extremely grateful for the path I'm on. If you would like to share some of your beliefs that are helping you in this lifetime, I am very open to hearing them; however, if you try to shove your beliefs down my throat, please know that I might vomit on you.

Namasté,

Ken

Facing Fear and Anxiety

I'm posting at the public library today because it's open, I haven't been here yet, the Chromebook I was using at the house is in use by another, and I needed to get out of the house. So there's 4 ways I just dealt with anxiety - doing 2 things I love - writing and riding; getting some exercise (riding); and getting out of the house. I don't do this stuff naturally; my first response to fear and/or anxiety is to want to escape in some way, such as eating, sleeping, or taking medication. Those aren't the best options for me, because it's more like walking around the anxiety rather than dealing with it.

I wanted to write about fear again. It feels like my fear and anxiety levels lately have been the highest they've ever been, but I doubt that's true since in the past I did 5 years in jails and prisons and 4 years in high school. But what is surprising to me is how intense it seems sometimes. It's been getting better over the past few weeks, and I think part of it is that I've been having a weekly EMDR session with my therapist for the past 3 weeks (first time with EMDR) and I've noticed a solid increase in my overall mood and thinking, and a fair decrease in fear and anxiety.

I thought, too, that perhaps something I might write might be helpful to some of my readers, as we're going through this pandemic and the resulting restrictions on our movement. I will mention that I have not suffered as some have - I've missed in-person recovery meetings and I haven't been able to get a haircut (until this week 👨) or go to the church I want to start attending (although they are on Facebook); however, I also believe most fear and anxiety is unwarranted, and that's the kind of fear and anxiety I'll be talking about. In other words, even though our specific situations are different, the problem is the same. So here we go:

First, let us release any judgment or self-condemnation about the way we are feeling. Feelings are feelings, and as humans, we're going to have them. Putting all sorts of 'shoulds' and 'should nots' on ourselves is shaming, and drives the problem deeper. Two months ago I experienced a crisis requiring hospitalization. While at the hospital,  a nurse mentioned to me, in a kind way, that a lot of people right now are going through stressful times. I realized she was right; I'm not  alone. My sponsor is very helpful  in normalizing how I feel - he understands that I'm in a stressful  position (early recovery, basically unemployed, and one step from homelessness), and he lets me know that it's normal for me to feel things like anxiety, frustration, and sometimes hopelessness. I needed to hear that from him - beating myself up for not being able to go through  a situation like a superhero (who are all fictional) is unwarranted, unnecessary, and damaging to my psyche and my recovery. It's okay to be human and to feel the weight of the world once in a while. 

The first healthy thing I can do to prevent/alleviate anxiety is to work to keep me and my head in today. Living a day at a time is a practice, but it's a good one. When I was getting confirmed in the church I attended growing up, we had to choose a Bible verse for our confirmation ceremony. I was not as familiar with the Bible as I am now, but I ran across some verses that really resonated with me at the time, and still do now. They are the words attributed to Jesus in Matthew 6:25-34. Verse 34 says, " Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." (NIV) Most of my worries have nothing to do with what is happening right now. Right now, in this moment, I am fine, and I have everything I need - food, clothing, safe shelter, decent transportation - plus the tools I need to be in this moment - a computer, a working  brain and fingers, etc. A minister/counselor gave me a simple  tool  to remind myself to reel it back in, and that is to ask myself, "Where am I and what time is it," and the answer is "right here, right now." Right here right now may not be where I want to stay, but I have to accept exactly where I am at before I can effectively move on. I can only prepare for tomorrow; I can't live there. Worrying about tomorrow, whatever it is, is negative use of my imagination. If I'm going to put my head in the future, why not imagine a good one? Better yet, what if I just have faith in right action, and not have any expectations regarding results? Living in the moment gives me resilience, which is so important for good mental and emotional health, as well as sobriety. The set of verses quoted above also say "But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." (Matthew 6:33, NIV) This tells me that if I put connecting with my Higher Power first, if I make it my priority today, then everything else I need I will have.

And speaking of faith, faith is the first thing to go when fear, doubt, and anxiety rise up. Fear is ego, and my ego is always worried about the future, and does not trust that a Higher Power has things well in hand. Better than half of my recovery is building (right now, re-building) faith, and practicing faith on the sunny days so that when the rains come, I'm not totally overwhelmed.

A good faith builder is daily gratitude, which also relieves anxiety. I belong to a Facebook gratitude group, and I usually post daily, listing the things for which I'm grateful. It can start with, "I am grateful I am alive." Gratitude compels me to look for the good in my life, and as it turns out, what I focus on increases; so when I focus on what I think is going right, I find more things for which to be grateful.

Next, I need to turn off the news. I don't usually turn it on, but I'm not in charge of the TV where I'm currently living. The TV is on every morning, and it's tuned to the news. I try not to let it get my attention. One morning, one of my housemates, who wasn't really watching the TV, but was hearing it, said, "I really hate these newscasters. They're always talking over each other." And I said, "Good! I don't like it either!" and I turned off the TV. Blessed silence! I'm programmed to think I need to watch the news in order to know what's going on. It's not true. When I'm living in the moment, I do not need to know what's going on somewhere else. I only need to know what's going on in front of me. Now, obviously, I'm not isolated from world events; but I have a tendency when I watch the news to let what's going on play over and over in my head. It's depressing, it's stressful, it erodes hope. Even while not actively pursuing current events, I still get flashes - the first thing on my phone is news (I can't control that on this particular plan), and sometimes I click on it.  It's like driving by a car wreck - I have to look! 99% of what's on the news does not have anything to do with what challenges I'll face today. It's unnecessary, and the news sells one thing - fear. If the world ends tomorrow, or maybe tonight, I probably won't need a newscast to figure it out. So I leave the news behind (except for weather - I have my weather app, and I don't use the one that sensationalizes weather events - 'Dangerous Heat Wave in Southwest!' Well, no shit, Sherlock - this is Arizona, it gets a little toasty sometimes).

Another activity that really helps me avoid anxiety, fear, and depression, is aerobic exercise - walking, and riding my bike. I often walk at least three miles a day, briskly, and that is enough for my body to produce chemicals that make me feel good inside. And being physically healthy supports good mental health. And while I'm walking, I can practice being here now. I can concentrate on how my body feels, and/or I can open my eyes to the scenery around me. I did not miss Spring this year (and it was quick!). There have been times over the years that I missed spring totally, because I wasn't present. One day I'm trudging through slush, and the next day it's warm and all the leaves are out and we're fully into Summer, and I'm wondering what became of Spring! It's because I had my head tucked up my you-know-where. Anyway, exercise is one thing that can help me keep focused on the present, and it has so many other benefits as well.

One of my exercises is really good for dealing with fear - bicycling. When I first got my bike, I was afraid of the upward hill that goes out of the subdivision. There's no way out without a hill; however, I faced my fear and took on the hill. And I do it every morning. It's a little easier now, but it's still a big hill. And then, if I take a certain route home, there's a really big downhill piece. I go charging through there, and I've gotten a top speed of 34 mph (speed limit is 25. I've never been much for rules).  I've gone faster, once, but 34 is still fast on a bicycle. You don't want to have to do any quick maneuvers at that speed. But bicycling has always been a way to deal with fear, because there's always something about which to be fearful! Am I going to get a flat? Am I going to get so far out, I can't get back? Am I going to get run over? Each time I get on my bike I face one or more of those questions, and each time I've ridden it's been okay. 

I talk with healthy people who are living in the solution rather than the problem. That's one of the reasons it's good for me to get out of the house I'm living in - I'm not relating very well to people who mainly discuss past exploits. People who live in the solution are people who know what's going on and discuss positive possibilities. People who live in the problem gripe about how bad things are for themselves. The griping does nothing good - it only intensifies whatever problem is going on.

One thing I haven't done very much that helps is reaching out and seeing how I can be of service to others. I've been somewhat self-absorbed lately, which might be justified. I used to reach out to people at recovery meetings; we didn't have in-person meetings for a couple of months, but we did have Zoom meetings and such. I have phone numbers of other people in recovery, but I haven't reached out to anyone but my sponsor. It's difficult to pick up the phone just to say, "Hey, how ya doin," but I'm going to do it.

While reaching out, find out what others are doing to deal with the current stresses. Calling is good, and a lot of people have Facebook. People on Facebook deal with the world situation in a lot of ways. I'm looking at a lot of my conversations, and I'm not all that open with how well or not-well I'm coping. I'm very often 'fine'. We may not be able to see our friends and family face-to-face, but there are other ways to reach out and give and take support. We're never in anything alone!

Have you ever noticed that days that start well usually go well, whereas days that start shitty often stay shitty? My morning disposition has a lot to do with how I'm going to feel throughout the day. A good morning for me starts out with getting up on time, a shower, prayer, meditation, and breakfast (plus dressing and all that). A poor morning starts out with getting up late, maybe shower or maybe not, say a quick prayer, bolt out the house, and get my breakfast at CVS. I have to feel purpose, and if I'm awake and running just to get through the day - that's not really purpose for me. I need to know that something I'm going to do today is going to make a difference, and what generates that condition is my connection with Spirit, which I reaffirm through prayer and meditation. And, importantly, getting up well is often dependent on how I go to sleep. Have I let go of any troubles from the day? Have I allowed myself to wind down, or do I keep going until bedtime and just crash? How I end my night has a lot to do with how I start the next day.

When my mood or vibe is good, my mind feels strong and my thinking clear. I'm much more able to deal with fear and anxiety when I'm not depressed. Additionally, when I'm not depressed, my mind and my heart are more open, and I'm able to see a lot more opportunities and possibilities. I'm able to ask, "What can I do today to make this a better day for myself or someone else?", and when I go into the day with this attitude, opportunities present themselves. Fear and anxiety is about doomsday, basically. Living in faith and recovery is about asking, "What can I add to the stream of life today?" Something for me to remember is that I've never created a situation that God couldn't make better, and I can live through this day successfully with His help. Things may not always turn out  the way I envision they should (oops, there's that s-word), and with faith and vision, they turn out better. I've survived so much in my life, I should (oops, there's that word again) never fear again; however, the truth is that I deal with it every day on some level, and it may be the thorn in my side that keeps me coming back to Spirit.

Thanks for reading!

Namasté,

Ken

Let Me Share A Secret...

I recently talked with a parent of a person who lives with co-occurring disorders - she has a mental health condition along with substance use disorder. I shared my experience with this parent - my experience of relying too heavily on my parents and others to take care of me, to 'fix' me, when it would have been better all around for me to learn to take care of myself. I shared with this person how my learning to be responsible and take care of myself was/is the scariest thing, and yet the best thing, that I've ever done. I felt very comfortable talking with this parent - I was in my element, I was in the groove.

That's not the secret. That's what I do for a living - allow myself to be vulnerable so that I can share my experience and knowledge so that others might gain hope and maybe insight.

My secret is this:  I would rather not. People scare me. My brain, or my ego, tells me I would rather be alone all day than deal with people. My experience, on the other hand, tells me that the more open I am with others, the more I share the real me with others, the healthier I'll be. 

So I live with this paradox. I like to speak in public, and I write this blog, and on Facebook I'm very open; yet sitting down to talk with someone 1:1 is very scary for me, at least before the event. Once I'm in there, the experience is good. And when I'm done sharing or doing whatever I'm doing, I feel very good inside. 

I don't know if that fear of others, or that desire to isolate, will ever leave. It has its benefits - I must be spiritually prepared every day, through prayer and meditation, to meet whatever (or whoever) is mine to meet. This fear is the thorn in my side that St Paul describes - it keeps me coming back to Source, because I know what would happen if I did only what my head tells me to do - I would get sick and die. I've learned that if I'm not doing something today that makes me uncomfortable, I'm probably not doing anything today that's healthy for me.

I bring this up for two reasons: First, I need to remind myself that when I see someone else do something that looks very challenging to me, yet they're making it look effortless, there is probably a lot of preparation and stuff going on behind what they're doing of which I'm not aware. In other words, I ought not judge by appearances - things and people are rarely, if ever, what they seem at first glance. Second, I'd like to give some hope to someone who might read this and say to you, as Eleanor Roosevelt said, "Do one thing every day that scares you," and, "You must do the thing you think you cannot do."

I existed for a long time avoiding the tough stuff in life, and I was very empty inside. It's very painful to only go through the motions of living. Only when I began to do the things that I didn't want to do, the things that scared me, the things that exposed me, the things that I had no idea how to do, did I begin to experience the richness of life. One doesn't necessarily need to climb Mount Everest to experience a thrill; simply doing what's written on my heart while ignoring the screaming voice in my head can be quite thrilling. I have a lot of people in my life for whom I'm very grateful who would not be in my life if I were living by my old m.o. Simply put, it's really easy to get to know people who are really easy to get to know, but it's not very fulfilling. Inside of me, and I'm pretty sure inside of you, are those things that deep down my heart yearns to do, but my head has excuses not to do. For me, those are the things I do if I want to have the kind of life that I can feel good about. And I suppose I am, bit by bit, because, bit by bit, I'm feeling better about being me. It's been a long time coming.

Namasté,

Ken

Letting Go of More Fear

I’ve written before about letting go of fear. I’m fairly certain I’ll find cause to write about it again. I’ve lived most of this lifetime out of fear. I’m so used to it that I don’t really very often experience the emotion of being afraid. Fear was ingrained in me, and nowadays I only recognize it as irrational thinking that may be getting in the way of me attaining my dreams. It’s still fear, and, in order to proceed in a forward direction, it must be dealt with.

Some have told me that fear is a lack of faith. I know it’s not – fear is faith – faith that something’s going to go wrong. Faith that not only will I be picked last for the team, there’s even a chance I won’t get picked at all. Faith that I will say something stupid or uncool. Faith that I’ll be rejected. Faith that I won’t measure up. Faith that I won’t be able to handle life, and that I’ll end up a miserable failure. Faith that that person over there won’t like me. Faith that whatever decision I make, it’ll be the wrong one. So, you see, I’m not lacking in faith at all – I just have it pointed in the wrong direction. I’ll talk about that in a moment. But first…

Because I never really talked about the way I felt inside to anyone – the way I felt about myself, and life in general – until recently (the last 3-5 years), because I basically relied upon my own thinking and twisted logic to reason things through, I never heard any arguments about the way I thought and felt. I was pretty certain I was correct. I could make a list here of all the things I assumed about others and about life that were incorrect, but it’d be too long. So I went along thinking in a very negative, loserly way, and even when I got around positive people with positive vibes who liked life and seemed to be mastering it, I couldn’t get it – I couldn’t get what they had, because I couldn’t talk about what it was like inside of me. I was too afraid to do so.

When I became desperate enough, I became open to suggestion. After I became open to suggestion, I got connected with a really good therapist. (I’ve had good therapists before, but I didn’t utilize them very well. I usually tried to convince them how well I was doing. That was another big fear – admitting to someone that I’m not doing well, or that I’m hurting inside). Through my last therapist, and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, I learned how to question what my mind and my brain were telling me, and that has truly been a Godsend. And that’s what I’ve been doing the past three years – questioning what my brain is telling me, and, when in doubt, checking in with others whom I trust.

One might think that when one has the key, or at least one of the keys, that one would now progress rapidly into the superstar pro at living that I was always meant to be. Alas, that hasn’t been the case. It seems that I must work a lot on my false conclusions. The work is a lot easier now, but it’s still work I have to do. And, since my thinking has long been habitual, it doesn’t change until it’s starting to interfere with my progress. I first had to get the big stuff out of the way first – the stuff that was threatening my very existence. Then I became able to work on the things that threaten my happiness, peace of mind, and success. I’m better able to spot my fear today – it’s anything that keeps me from accepting my highest good. Additionally, my job exposes me to the fears, mostly irrational, that others are harboring, and when I see it in others, it’s easier to see fear in me.

One of the fears that I began working on around 5 years ago is the fear of others’ opinions of me. I worked on that in two ways – I used a self-hypnosis recording that implanted the idea that “other people’s opinions of me are none of my business,” and I started doing things that were in my heart to do, but left the door open to being judged. Two of the notable things I’ve done are this blog, where I expose innermost thoughts and feelings to anybody who’d care to read about them, and the year that I spent being self-employed. These were both huge leaps for me. The blog is still going on; not the self-employment. I absolutely loved being self-employed, but I love eating and living indoors more. Someday when I can marry some sound business practices with doing the things I love, I’ll be self-employed again; for now, I love the companies that are employing me and I love what I’m doing, and that’s enough.

The reason I mention this is that I find myself facing this fear again – “What will people think of me?” As I move further along in life, I discover more and more of the real Ken, and I let that guy out. In certain circumstances this is scary for me. I’ve got a couple of things going for me – today, I’m beginning to feel when I’m fearful, which is very helpful. Emotions are very good for telling me what’s going on inside, but I had shut mine down to almost nothing so that I could rely upon my ‘logic’. So I’ve found myself having to deal with the obstacle of caring what other people think of me (even though the truth is that other people probably don’t care about what I do or don’t do nearly as much as I think they care). And how am I dealing with this today? Back to the self-hypnosis, and back to taking chances, and there’s one more thing that’s very important: I’m putting my faith into what can go right.

Through the years I’ve learned a lot of helpful things about the nature of my Higher Power (and for simplicity I’ll refer to It from here on out as God). I understand today that God wants me to succeed, and provides me with an abundance of blessings in order for me to succeed. So, and this is from experience, when something comes in front of me that at first glance doesn’t look too good, and that I feel like shying away from, I now have a Second Voice, that of God, saying, “Why don’t you give it a try? What have you got to lose?” That’s why I’m here today – I went ahead and accepted things into my life even when I didn’t want to or didn’t see how they would work. And, surprise, surprise, surprise, some of the things that I thought wouldn’t work for me did, and still do today. I’m very grateful that I recognize the difference between what I come up with out of my own, fear-based self, and the things God has in store for me.

Today, my faith is turned in the right direction much more of the time. I don’t believe anymore that disgrace and disaster lurk just around the corner. I’m just beginning on the journey of allowing God to guide me, and so far it’s really turning out well.

Namasté,

Ken

This Is Not A Post About Voting

It is a post about what mental illness feels like sometimes. And, in this case, just mental weirdness, because the thoughts and anxiety did not adversely effect my life, they just made me uncomfortable. But, discomfort is often the precursor of growth, I've found, so maybe I grew a little tonight.

I voted tonight. We had a primary election for state supreme court and municipal judgeship. Not a big deal, perhaps, but it was an ordeal for me! 

I don't know that I've ever voted twice in the same location. I've moved around quite a bit, I suppose. So, I'm in my new location, and I have to find the polling place. I did my research last night, and found it - about 300 feet from where I live. But, I'm anxious. I know I'll have to re-register, or change my address, and something about that - something about being examined - puts me on edge. 

So, I go to vote, and find out it's not my polling place. It 'should' be my polling place, I'm thinking, because it's only 300 feet from where I live! Already I'm anxious, and now I'm getting frustrated. 2 of the ladies there kept asking me my name and address, even after I'd already told them that they wouldn't find it in their books because I was nowhere near my last polling place and apparently nowhere near my current one. A third lady is very helpful, looking up my current address in the master book to help me find the correct polling place. Inside I'm twisting, but on the outside I'm very calm and appreciative. I thank the kind lady and let her know I appreciate her help. (The more frustrated I am, the better I thank people - doing the opposite of what I feel has become a pretty good habit).

I go the whole 300 feet home, and look on my computer to verify the information the nice lady at the polling place gave me. The first website I go to isn't working right, and the other site is lunky and doesn't seem to be user friendly (not this user, anyway, in that moment). I feel like giving up. Again, take a deep breath, and do the opposite. I want to text my landlady because she's a poll worker, and, seeing as she lives below me, she probably knows where I should go. But I don't. I drive to the location (maybe a whole mile away, as the crow flies) to vote.

I did have to re-register, and fill out the government form, and make sure my i's were dotted and t's crossed. Very fortunately, I was at ease again, because my landlady helped me fill out the form. Then things got a bit tense again, as I presented my ID to another lady, and signed the register and got my ballot. I finally voted, and had to ask which way the ballot goes into the machine. Fortunately, it goes in any which way. They know with whom they're dealing. So, that dreadful task is done, but I'm drained because of all of the energy spent on being anxious. But I got through it, and knew that I felt better than if I'd given up and not voted.

I am believing more and more today that every feeling of discomfort - emotional, mental, or physical, has something to tell me. Now, this isn't about getting through a mental health crisis. Nobody needed to be called; I wasn't a risk to myself or others (unless you think I voted for the wrong people). But I got the message that there is something within me that could use some examination (notice I didn't say there's something 'wrong' with me). Here are what I came up with as the possible causes for this little bit of anxiety:

• Fear of rejection, or worse, fear of getting laughed at or yelled at.
• The feeling that I still have that I'm always somehow 'wrong', and this was a brilliant opportunity to let someone point it out to me.
• Closely related, the feeling that I'm somehow 'illegitimate' because of the life I've lived. People like me who have been to prison and/or been homeless feel that way. (By the way, felons in Wisconsin can vote if they are discharged from parole, and I've been off of parole for about 15 years). Vagrancy isn't all that far behind me where I can feel comfortable with who I am doing what I'm doing 100% of the time.
• Hyper-concern for self, which is one of the symptoms of alcoholism, and I think goes hand-in-hand with most mental illness.

So what's a fellow to do? Please note here that I am speaking for myself; I no longer suffer a lot of symptoms, so when I do, it's noteworthy. Some people deal with this stuff day in and day out. But anxiety is anxiety, and if left untreated, leads to worse things, like depression and even return to substance use. 

I know what isn't best for me when I feel this way - it's not in my best interest to medicate the anxiety; it's not in my best interest to run from it; it's not in my best interest to wish I didn't have it and kick myself around for being 'less-than.'

What is best for me to do:

• As I mentioned above, treat it as an opportunity - an opportunity to learn from my mind and my body, and an opportunity to grow, and to gain experience (again, it's not about the voting!).
• Mediate (not medicate) the symptoms so I don't become overwhelmed. I do this by becoming aware, by breathing, and by asking myself "What would happen if...?" I imagine worst case scenarios. I imagine what might happen if I ran away, or if I used. I imagine what might happen if the nice ladies at the polling places laughed at me or yelled at me or treated me rudely. (Which reminds me of my experience in the call center, and I'll let you know that if you are a rude caller or otherwise strange, yes, we do talk about you with each other after the call is over).
• As I am facing or embracing whatever the situation is, try to imagine where the anxiety (the 4-syllable word for 'fear') is coming from.
• During this whole process, and this is very important, I refrain from beating myself up. It's not that I don't want to; that's been my habit for years and years and years. It's just that it does no good whatsoever. Nada. Nothing. Zilch. Again, look at it as a learning experience, an opportunity to connect with my Higher Power, and an opportunity to get stronger and wiser. My thoughts aren't wrong; they're just thoughts. My feelings aren't wrong to have; they're just feelings. It's what I do with them, and today my actions were in-line. If I didn't write and publish this tonight, nobody in the world would know I went through this. It's not a big deal. 
• I congratulate myself for making it through (and in other situations, I've forgiven myself for avoiding), and I thank my Higher Power for the strength and courage to go through it. Then I thank It for the wisdom which will surely come from this experience.

Very few people who live with a mental health condition are mentally ill 100% of the time. We have moments of lucidity. We have moments where we can see clearly what to do. I believe when I have these moments, it is best for me to seize them and use them for all it's worth. Yes, it's very important to vote. For me, however, it's vitally more important that I get over those things within me that would keep me from being of maximum service to the Universe and to my fellow human beings. I get these opportunities all of the time. I've had these opportunities all of my life, but I used to put all of my energies into covering them up or evading them. Today, my good emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual health depends upon me facing and embracing what is mine to face and embrace, and I am extremely grateful for the courage, strength, and willingness to do just that.

Namasté,

Ken

Discomfort

I did not wake up this morning thinking, "Hey! I'm going to meet someone new today!" In fact, I never wake up thinking that. And it's probably a good thing that I had forgotten that I was presenting this morning with someone whom I'd never met. I remembered when I got to work and looked at the calendar. I didn't even dress right today.

I am one of several Stories of Hope presenters. We talk about our experience with mental illness and recovery with psychiatric patients, Crisis Intervention Training classes, and sometimes the general public. I like telling my story. First of all, it's my story - I can't screw it up. Second, I get such immense gratitude for what I have today when I go into places and share where I've been, where I'm at, and how I got here. But my partner today was someone that I'd yet to meet, and that is scary for me. It's one of those remnants I was talking about a couple of days ago - I know it's not real, that it has no basis in reality, but it's still there and it's still uncomfortable.

So I meet this guy and we begin presenting, and I am amazed - he's a great presenter, a very likable guy, and we have a lot in common. I'm glad I met him, and I think I have a new friend.

I believe that doing things that make me feel uncomfortable is essential to my recovery. If I did only the things that I felt like doing, or were easy for me, I'd eventually end up back in bed all day, and eventually end up drinking and probably dead, or very sick. However, I usually don't look for uncomfortable stuff to do. I don't sit down on a Sunday evening and write out all of the uncomfortable things I plan on encountering in the coming week. The uncomfortable things come to me (most of the time). It's the uncomfortable things that make me grow, make me stronger, give me confidence, help my self-esteem, and give me something about which to write.

And the uncomfortable things give me life. What if God or Life or the Universe wants us to have an adventurous life? For some people I know, leaving their house to go shopping is just such an adventure. So I encounter these uncomfortable situations, and I get benefits that I did not expect. Did I expect to meet someone and make a new friend today? No, it was not on my list. But it happened. 100% of my life today has come from things I didn't expect, which came from things that gave me discomfort.

I used to avoid and escape. That was my MO. I still do, to some extent, but not nearly as much as I used to. Today, on the whole, I know I'm better off when I do something I don't necessarily feel like doing, and I usually do it anyway. (The only problem with that, and it's only a problem when I think about it too much, is by consistently doing the things I don't necessarily want to do, the challenges get greater; however, so do the rewards!).

Here are some of the things a person in recovery can expect to be asked to do which won't be fun at first (or maybe ever):

• Go to support groups
• Share at support groups
• Take direction from a mentor
• Talk about past trauma
• Talk about fear
• Talk about embarrassing events 
• Be of service
• Admit one's faults
• Find a Higher Power
• Learn to pray
• Learn to apologize
• Learn to face the past
• Learn to admit mistakes
• Learn to guide others along the path to recovery
• Learn to meditate

And that's the short list. But we don't come into recovery because life is going great, and we're looking for something to do. Most of us get here because it just doesn't work anymore. So we must try to do things we've never done before, and they're scary. But it's ok, because we're not alone - we have support. And then it's ok, because we begin to understand that facing the scary stuff is what keeps us in recovery.

And, if we keep going, we begin to understand a lot more of what these challenges are really about - we begin to grow out of our old selves into a new creation that's bigger and better than we could have ever imagined. And we begin to understand that that's who we really were all along, and facing the uncomfortable stuff in our life is just the process of letting go of what really isn't us and embracing who we really are and the life that we can lead.

Namaste,

Ken

Releasing Fear and Doubt

I have been actively engaged in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for almost two years. I've been exposed to it for about 20 years, but it didn't sink in enough for me to use until recently. What the practice of CBT does for me is it basically allows me to reframe my experience. Everything in life is perception. Alcoholism, it is said, is a disease of perception - the addict's or alcoholic's perception is skewed enough to make the next fix or the next drink look attractive. As for mental illness, reality is skewed enough to keep the sufferer in misery and pain for prolonged periods of time, disrupting normal life. That being said, changing my perception of reality (without using addictive substances) is part of the foundation of my recovery.

I have been learning over the past couple years that this is done by repeatedly applying the tools I've learned. There isn't a permanent fix, but there is improvement and progress.

Spirituality comes into play by my acceptance of the belief that life is good, and the Universe is conspiring for my highest good. I've had to accept this for myself in order to survive; I don't know that everybody has to accept it. Some people have no gods, and do just fine. Some people have 2 gods (God and the Devil) and are able to get through life. My best bet is to believe there is only One Power and One Presence in my life, and that Presence and Power is good, and my job is to align my consciousness with that no matter what the appearances or circumstances are.

To the topic:  I did not realize how full of fear and doubt I was until I really began to examine it and work on releasing it. Today I was at the NAMI-Waukesha Walks luncheon. I don't like social events. I don't like eating in front of people, and I don't think I schmooze well. That's all fear-based. I'm driving to the event, and I have the thought, 'God, I'm going to die' (from attending this event). Now, without treating this thought, it can, and often will, spiral into anxiety. There are a lot of events and other things in life that I've skipped because I've allowed a random thought like that to take control of me. Today, I came back with, 'It's not going to kill me. I'm going to have lunch, and I'm among friends.' I was in line at the salad bar, and I'm thinking, 'Why can't I be as happy as these people?' The reply is, 'You don't know how happy these people are - you're comparing your insides to their outsides.'

Those are just two little snippets from my day. Now I know why an hour or two at a social event tires me out more than 8 hours of work, and why I don't really seek these things out.

But here's the reality - I went to an event where I really did not have to do anything other than show up, eat, and say 'hi' to a few people. I wasn't even presenting (if I were, I probably would have been more gung ho - for some reason, I like speaking). Nobody judged me (that I'm aware of), nobody attacked me, everybody was friendly. What's to fear?

I used to double-impact myself. That is, on top of having these less-than-helpful perceptions, I would 'should' all over myself for having them. 'I should be better at life.' 'I should not be anxious.' And that double-impact is a killer, because it guarantees that I will never get better. I've learned to stop shaming myself for having stuff to work on. This allows me to move forward. Today's event was a lot easier to get through than it would have been two years ago.

Each and every time I recognize fear and doubt and decide to react differently than I used to, I get stronger, and more able to face the next thing. And, believe it or not, that's a fear of mine, too. As I become more skillful at navigating my life, I move on to bigger and better things. Part of me still thinks there's something I'm going to run up against that's going to crush me. I try not to spend too much time there, because that paralyzes me.

It is important for me to note to myself (and sometimes to others) when I've applied the tools I have and they've worked. That's how growth occurs. Each day gets a tiny bit better, and I am grateful. I'm grateful today that I have enough faith in God in me and in the tools I've been given to get out and experience this life. I feel I've missed a great deal of living, and I don't have to miss any more.

A closing thought - the root of fear and self doubt derives from concern for self (ego). I very often have to remind myself that the Universe has my back (all the evidence points to that), and that I don't need to have any concern about me. I simply have to show up for life and do to the best of my ability whatever is in front of me to do. A simple formula for a complex guy.

Namaste,

Ken

Moving Through Fear

Fear is creepy for me - it creeps into my life, and I don't always recognize it for what it is until I'm paralyzed by it. I'm not good at recognizing fear. I don't seem to be good yet at feeling emotions (but I am getting a little better) and I think that accounts for not recognizing fear well. I don't often feel anxiety, or have other physical symptoms of fear, so I have to guess at it. More on that in a minute.

Yesterday, I had to shit or get off the pot. Not literally - I just had that moment when I had to decide to walk (or ride) through my fear, or let it overtake me. I have allowed fear to creep back into my life, and haven't done much about it. Yesterday I was going to go on my first real bicycle ride of the season. I didn't want to. I felt 'tired'. I wanted to crawl into bed and sleep.

It didn't make sense. I love bicycle riding. Yesterday was the perfect day for a ride - sort of cool, sunny, and fairly calm. I knew I would feel good after a ride. Over the past two years I've ridden over 3000 miles on my bicycle, and I had just had my wheels trued and tuned up my bike. There wasn't a think 
(←see that Freudian slip?) thing keeping me from my ride. 

So I got up and went, and had a great ride. But, it wasn't the reasoning that got me going. It was the recognition that I was going down the slippery slope of fear, one that will only lead to my next drink, which I'm still postponing. I don't know how much living in fear I can take before I relapse. I don't know, as far as my mental emotional state goes, where the point of no return is. So, it pays to not try to find out.

I'm thinking as I write this that it might be helpful to treat fear like I treat the first drink. The basis of physical sobriety is to abstain from the first drink - then one doesn't have to be concerned with which drink is going to cause trouble (is it the 3rd? The 5th? The one I take the morning after?) Perhaps the basis of emotional sobriety might be to stay away from the first 'drink' of fear.

Emotional sobriety isn't as clearly defined as is physical sobriety. For instance, I can blow into a breathalyzer right now (I actually have one here as I write this) and be able to tell whether or not there is any alcohol in my body. However, we haven't invented a device that can test my emotional sobriety - one that would measure my level of serenity, or check for negativity, anger, fear, arrogance, lack of gratitude, etc.

I've lived my whole life with a high level of fear and dread. I used to hate waking up and getting up in the morning. In fact, I used to pray to not wake up. I've gotten much better - now I only dislike getting up, and sometimes I'm even ok with it. Anyway, every day I would have to face living, and I hated it. So I learned work-arounds - ways to escape from the fear of life without actually escaping. Drinking, drugs, food, computer games, sleeping, sex - there are a lot of things that I used to escape. And I also learned not to feel. I became emotionally dead, and a very good actor.

Over the past two years, I've made a great deal of progress in reversing my fearful nature. Two of the big ones are that I no longer fear supporting myself, and I no longer fear your disapproval (much).  But there are a lot of areas that still need work.

So, without feeling when I'm fearful, as it seems quite a natural state by now, how do I know when I am allowing fear to inform me? I've been around the block enough to know most of the signs of my fearfulness:
Procrastination - totally centered around fear. Whatever I'm procrastinating about is something I fear doing.
Hatred - if I hate something or someone, there is fear surrounding it or them.
Avoidance - (very similar to procrastination) - if I'm avoiding something or someone, I fear it.
Sleepiness - If I'm craving sleep, especially when I don't have a physical reason to be tired, I'm fearful.
Food cravings - food cravings for foods that make me feel better are an indication that I'm being fearful about something.
Computer time - surfing the web is a great way to avoid!

I wrote in an earlier post about my discovery early on that I can view life as my Higher Power, or view my Higher Power as life. So long as I go from the standpoint that Life really is good and supportive, I can take what comes my way each day as lessons and experiences that are good for me, no matter what they might seem to be. When I began to embrace that, my life becomes much richer. 

Writing is often about self-discovery for me, and as I'm writing this, I realize that I have a huge opportunity here to step up my recovery program. I've gotten several signs lately that I can go ahead and begin living with less fear, less timidity. Today, I have a lot of faith and evidence to back up that I have nothing to fear. I like the idea expressed earlier that I can treat fear like the first drink, and stay away from it. When I feel like doing any of the things listed in the previous paragraph, I can simply go ahead an do what's in front of me to do. A large part of recovery is doing what I know to be healthy despite how I feel in the moment, and I can begin to expand the areas in which I do this. 

I really have nothing to fear anymore. I only need to go ahead and prove it to myself.

If you've read this far, I really do appreciate you! I'm coming up on two years of sobriety next month, and I recognize more and more each day how much my sobriety isn't my own - it's a result of awesome people in my life and a lot of things and people of which I may not currently be aware. I used to be the boy in the bubble - forever protected from the 'germs' of life, but incredibly miserable. The bubble is gone now, and I'm one with the 'germs', and it really is ok. Thank you for being a part of my life!

Namaste,

Ken