Being Supportive

Or "What to do when someone you care for is acting the fool."

As I've mentioned in a few previous posts, over the past 11 months, I have been endeavoring to cultivate real connections with others.  I had believed previously that I really did not need to let people get close to me, or to allow myself to get close to others, in order to get well and live a healthy life. Keeping a reasonable distance from others is the plan for a wounded self that wants to protect me from further hurt. Keeping the shields up seems like a good way to stay safe; perhaps it is, but it isn't a very good way to live fully. One of the weird aspects of being human (and trust me, there are many weird aspects) is that in order to live fully, we must risk. We must risk hurt, disappointment, failure, suffering. That sounds strange, but I know from experience that not taking risks, avoiding what my protecting mind tells me is unsafe, creates hurt, disappointment, failure, and suffering. And when I take no risks, there's no upside. When I do take risks - when I allow myself to become vulnerable with other human beings, I then allow for the possibility to experience love - both giving and receiving. A human being might be able to survive without love, but I have come to believe that a human being cannot truly thrive without the capacity to love and to be loved.

So the decision to allow myself to become vulnerable and to make true connections with others was not an easy decision for me. It wasn't a matter of simply switching lanes and doing things differently, like adopting a different style of dress or learning a new language. It's more like dropping the armor and going into the battle naked and unarmed. I knew it was going to get messy, but I also knew that I had to do it or else die a lonely, miserable failure of a human being. I had to give living (loving) one more shot.

I have a friend that I care about and love. My friend has been making some very unwise choices lately that endanger not only their happiness, but their life. It hurts to see this. It hurts to see someone I deeply care about make very short-sighted decisions apparently to avoid the pain that comes with growing up. It hurts to see this person turn from every truly supportive person in their life. It hurts to know that I can't do anything about their situation that would be wise and skillful, other than to remain ready to pick up the pieces, if, hopefully, there are any pieces left to pick up.

I really wanted to rage. I wanted to have the opportunity to say, or scream, "Wtf do you think you're doing? What is wrong with you?" I am grateful that today I possess the wisdom to know that approaching someone in this manner will only push the person deeper into their self-destructive delusions. I know that this person is only doing what they think they need to do in order to protect themselves. I know that this person does not think they are hurting anybody else. How do I know this? Because I've been there.

Throughout my active addiction and mental illness, I made many, many unwise choices that I thought did not harm anybody else but myself. Delusion is a symptom that comes with addiction and mental illness. I realized, after I started caring about people, that although my unwise choices and actions might not have physically hurt those who cared about me, they nonetheless hurt my family and loved ones. I had turned off my capacity for caring, love, empathy, and compassion. Those aspects of myself only got in the way of me getting what I thought I desperately needed. When I flipped those switches back on, I found out that it hurts to love someone who is hurting themselves.

And I can't maintain any kind of anger against my friend. They are not doing this to hurt me, even though it hurts to not have their healthy friendship. They are quite unaware of all of the consequences of their choices.

So there is sadness, and the desire to fix something that I can't fix. But what can I do?

I can be supportive. How? By practicing understanding, compassion, empathy, forgiveness, metta, and unconditional love. Understanding that this person is being driven by forces, both inner and outer, that they are unable to recognize or handle. Right now, they truly are a victim. Understanding that whatever this person is doing, they are not doing it to me. It has absolutely nothing to do with me, and understanding that I own my own feelings about the situation. Compassion and empathy come from taking an honest appraisal of my own experience and situation. I have been where this person is and made many, many more unwise choices, through my own delusions, than this person has yet had a chance to make. Compassion also comes from a deep knowing that I could be exactly where they're at in a very short time. I am not immune from relapse. Forgiveness comes from compassion and understanding, but also from the sure knowledge that I can be of no real help to them, myself, or anybody else while holding a grudge. Grudges keep my hands too full to do anything useful. Forgiveness is simply giving love to a situation, and love is the only thing that truly heals. Metta, or prayer, is practicing sending loving and kind thoughts to that person. It doesn't necessarily change their outcome, but it keeps my mind in a hopeful and faithful position toward this person. And unconditional love is simply knowing who that person really is beneath all the self-destructive behavior - knowing that underneath everything is a precious soul going through an extremely difficult life experience. And unconditional love says I'll be there in person to support this person back to health, if given the opportunity.

Please note that being supportive does not mean doing anything that would compromise my integrity or my own mental or physical well-being. I used to try to rescue (fix) people from time to time. I now know the folly in that endeavor, and that support and rescue are not the same thing.

One might ask, "Ken, does this experience make you want to reconsider your decision to really connect with others, especially those who live with addiction and or mental health issues?" and the answer, surprisingly, is "No." I am still dedicated to developing real connections with others. What I have experienced so far since my decision has been more real peace, belonging, happiness and joy than I have ever experienced previously. I am becoming more and more convinced that the only worthwhile endeavor in life is to know my connection with life through learning how I can be of maximum loving service to others.

I want to end with this: I am still selfish af, only today I practice putting my recovery first rather than me first. It's now 11:45 pm, and if I hadn't sat down to write and process all this through writing, I would have been laying in bed thinking about it, and the thoughts would not have been productive. Over the past few years, I have been able to let go of a ton of suffering that I had been carrying for a really long time, and today I have no desire to pick it up again or create new suffering in my life (or anyone else's!). So there ya have it.

Namasté,

Ken  

Life Lessons I Learn From Work - Lesson One: Isolated Incidents

Since I'm off work for the next 10 days (at least), I plan on using part of the time off to daily write in my blog. I am fortunate to be in a position at my job to learn wonderful lessons about how my mind works (and doesn't, sometimes) as well as strategies to flow through each day more effectively and with more peace and happiness. So I'm going to share some important things I've learned/am learning along the way at work.

Isolated Incidents 

Through practicing the 2nd and 4th foundations of Wise Mindfulness, I have begun to become skillful in noticing situations in which my mind, my thinking, can cause me suffering. The 2nd foundation of Wise Mindfulness is paying attention to feeling tones, or "noticing the emotional tone - pleasure or displeasure - that comes with every sensation, even when the sensation is a thought [emphasis added]." (Recovery Dharma, p. 45) The 4th foundation of Wise Mindfulness is mindfulness of mental objects: "we begin to simply notice when a thought arises, being aware of it without judgment or evaluation [emphasis added], and allowing it to pass away without holding onto it and without creating a story out of it [emphasis added]." (RD p. 46) Having a consistent meditation practice gives me the insight and power to actually notice when single thoughts arise and be able to let them go. How well I do it depends upon my intention and my mood.

So, at work, a lot of stuff happens. It's bound to happen - we sell thousands of products to hundreds of customers every day. For months and months I thought there was a chance that I could get ahead of the game, at least in my own little arena. I spent a lot of time feeling overwhelmed or at least anxious and frustrated. And when something would happen, like a spill to clean up, or something ordered didn't show up, or yesterday's work still needs to be done today - when something happened, it often fed the sick-but-not-yet-dead belief that it happened because I'm a bad person, and this would color, in a negative way, my thoughts and feelings toward myself and toward my job. 

I recently began treating, in my mindful mind, a lot of the stuff that would happen as isolated incidents. If there was a spill to clean up, I began focusing on thoughts about cleaning up the spill, and let go of the thoughts that were blaming, the thoughts about inconsiderate people, the thoughts about poor packaging design - all the stories I'd tell myself about why this event happened. The thoughts and feelings surrounding my stories in my head are negative and cause unhappiness. The thoughts and feelings surrounding simply doing what is mine to do (clean up a mess in my department) are neutral to positive thoughts and feelings. It's a really simple concept that took me years and years to get. I can use it anywhere - when I walk in the bathroom at home, and discover someone else used all the toilet paper and did not replace it, I can get irritated about irresponsible inconsiderate people with whom I'm living, which only serves to make me unhappy, or I can do what I need to do to take care of my own business, and leave feeling neutral or even happy. That's really letting s#&! go!

Now the fact of the matter is that these really aren't isolated incidents. Everything that happens has something behind it - the spill on the floor, the absent roll of toilet paper - but it's still just an incident. Very often, there is little to nothing I can do about the causes of any incident that occurs in my life. It's not necessarily random stuff happening, but it's not necessarily my stuff either. It's just stuff. What is important is my response to the stuff. And I am learning to apply what I know so that stuff that happens to me and around me doesn't give me cause to feel not good enough, less than, or deserving of shit. I am learning to remove the substance, the story-telling, the so-called evidence, that fuels beliefs that no longer serve me. I am learning to no longer feed these beliefs with a storyline that validates their existence.

I had really come to hate my job, which in turn fueled  abdominal issues. Through doing this practice, I recognize that there are parts of my job that I like, and parts that I really don't like at all. There are parts of my job that I really have no desire to deal with anymore - I am beginning to believe I can use my gifts, talents, and time in another pursuit that will put me in a position to be a more effective human being. Which is a much better way of saying, "F^#$ this place, I'm outta here!" The truth is that in any endeavor, I'll find aspects that I like and aspects that I don't like. In my present job, I am valued, and I am of service, and I am good at a number of tasks that are mine to do; however, after practicing this exercise enough, I recognize that these isolated incidents are not something I want to experience as much of (or at all) in my work life, so I'm currently keeping my eye open for opportunities to utilize my gifts and experience in a more skillful and effective way.

Thank you for reading. The next lesson will be My Best Is Good Enough!

Namasté,

Ken

Infinite Possibility

One of the foundations of my recovery from alcoholism/addiction and major depression is the belief that things can get better, and it must be a sustainable belief – a belief that can stand against the winds of chaos and disorder that come and go throughout life. Whether I’ve been in recovery or out of recovery, alcoholism and depression have been the dominant factors running my life. In early recovery, I needed the hope that ‘things’ could get better, and they did – but the hope I received in early recovery was not sustainable when I began to again experience the natural ups and downs of life. Simply being alcohol/drug free and relatively depression free at times did not suddenly give me the qualities of resilience, persistence, and wisdom; in other words, brief respites from my illness did not give me the ability to handle that which I never knew how to adequately handle before. I needed more – a lot more. I hope to share through the next few paragraphs how glimmers of hope in my life evolved into some faith, then belief, and then into a deep knowing – a deep knowing that not only is recovery very possible, but also that life is good, I have a place in this life, and that the Universe supports not only my journey in recovery, but my journey to my highest good. Might be a bit much for just a few paragraphs, but we’ll give it a try and see what happens.

My life has been all about alcoholism and mental illness. I have started and stopped recovery more times than I can probably remember. But there have been positive constants throughout as well, and the two major ones are hope and good people. There have always been angels who have shown up to guide me back to a place of hopefulness, where I could get back on the path toward wellness. Sometimes my angels wore badges and sidearms; often they wore stethoscopes and scrubs; but most just wore plain clothes and caring hearts. In early recovery, we look to people and things outside ourselves to help or make ourselves get better. That’s a good start, but today I believe that eventually I must find my recovery from within, if I am going to reside permanently in recovery. The thing that held me back for so many years was the fear of looking within. I knew that I could not bear to take a good honest look at the ugliness and darkness that was within me. I knew that examining my insides would overwhelm me and kill me. Hope is a nice thing, a great thing sometimes, but it was never big enough or strong enough to break through that wall.

My hope had to turn into faith – some sort of faith that somebody or something could help me. I developed a faith in institutions, such as the mental health industry and mutual aid recovery organizations. I also developed a spiritual faith, and my mainline for that was through New Thought Christianity organizations – specifically Unity and Religious Science/Science of Mind. My involvement with these organizations, and my independent spiritual studies, were helpful in offering me a different, better, more positive outlook on myself, life, and the Universe. However, despite all my involvement over the years with spiritual people and spiritual organizations, I was not able to develop a faith that worked for me in the long run. As I mentioned in my post Life Doesn't Get Any Better, I had (still have!) tons of helpful knowledge and experience that never traversed the 18” distance from my head to my heart. My faith was head-faith – intellectually, I know that we live in a Universe that supports Life. It’s that simple, really. We would not be here if the Universe didn’t support Life. But when that head faith tried to turn into heart faith, it always ran into the wall of existing belief, and could not get over it or through it.

That existing belief was built, as all our existing beliefs are, in childhood through various learning experiences. My existing belief (and please forgive me for beating a thankfully dead horse) was that I was bad, I was defective, I was unlovable, and I wasn’t capable of being even close to good enough and I really didn’t deserve to live. Yes, the conscious part of my brain knew, knows, that that’s all complete bullshit. But the part of me (us) that matters, the part that governs up to 95% of my life choices, my subconscious, did not know that. (This is one of the reasons I’m an over-thinker – my conscious brain has had to race to keep up with my subconscious, and many times it just gave up).

So how was I able to begin breaking down that wall of existing belief, and begin the process of turning my intellectual knowing into a deep knowing that could actually serve me in life?

At the time, I wasn’t really aware of the process, but in retrospect, I see that I did begin to really understand that I’m at the end of the road.  I’m going to die soon, anyway, so what’s the point of protecting that dark ugliness within anymore? And I had the opportunity about two years ago in therapy to experience EMDR(Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) Therapy. EMDR is for those of us whose mental health has been adversely affected by traumatic experiences. Now the important part of this for me is I had and still have absolutely no idea how this stuff works – it’s a mystery to me. Every other therapy I’ve experienced I’ve been able to cognitively grasp – at one point or another, it made sense to me. I can’t cognitively explain why EMDR should work – but it did. It began to break through that subconscious, granite wall that was there, and I found myself beginning to be able to actually apply the other tools I had learned over the years to let myself heal. And because it’s still an absolute mystery to me, it began to clear the path from my head down to my heart. I have begun to replace the beliefs with which I started this lifetime with healthy beliefs. This, in turn, has instilled new hope and a stronger faith within me that no longer has to battle daily just to stay alive.

And because I am now beginning to clearly see and know that those initial beliefs – that dark, scary ugliness – is not the truth about me, I have less fear, more courage, and more reason to connect with others in a very real way – I am able to let others in and share the ugliness I see within when I need to. My last relapse gave me the courage to start developing real, honest connections with others. Let me tell you, there is a huge difference in me sharing my most vulnerable parts with loved ones whom I love, care about, and respect than there is with someone whom I pay to listen to me. I risk losing people I truly love and care about when I share those things within that make me want to lose myself. So far, nobody has kicked me to the curb for sharing that I am a less-than-perfect human being. In fact, it seems to me that every step I take toward being real actually draws others closer to me. Who knew?

To be clear, the damage I created in my life, in me, is not totally healed or repaired. Every day I must practice – I must use the tools I’ve learned and accepted in my heart in order to continue to heal. But the good news is that nowadays life is tons easier and more enjoyable than it was when I was struggling to stay ahead of a subconscious that just did not work anymore.

So that’s where Infinite Possibility comes from – if I am possible, and I certainly seem to be, then absolutely anything is possible, including you! When I listen to people telling me their challenges, my human mind wants to find ways to fix them, and often comes up short. Practical suggestions are great, and I openly share all I’ve learned in that regard; but when I listen with my heart and respond with love, support and encouragement, I help open the door for others to find where the answers truly are – inside.

Namasté,

Ken  

 

Recovery and Prescribed Medications

I had my consult today with the surgeon who will be repairing my hernia. I broke the first rule for those in substance use recovery in dealing with medical professionals (prescribers): I did not inform the doctor that I am in recovery from substance use disorder. I did let the nurse who later scheduled the surgery know that I didn't want any narcotic (opiate) prescriptions, but only after she mentioned that a prescription would be sent to my pharmacy to be picked up after surgery. It's not that I wasn't cognizant that this could be an issue; my thinking was that "I can take care of this myself; I don't need to let anyone know" (which breaks the 2nd rule of recovery - we don't do it alone). 

There is a protocol to be followed by those in recovery who have to deal with legitimately taking addictive medication:

• Inform your PCP that you are in recovery and do not want to be prescribed mood-altering or addictive medication unless absolutely necessary;
• Inform any other medical prescriber who may be caring for you;
• If your prescriber insists that you have to take medication which is potentially harmful to you, discuss your options with:
• Your prescriber
• Your sponsor, mentor, or recovery coach
• Your significant other or loved ones
  
• Others in recovery who have gone through similar experiences  
• If, after this, you decide that the medication is necessary for your overall well-being and healing, find someone who cares about your well-being to dispense your medication for you. Accountability is key.

By writing here, I am beginning the process of reversing my errors. I will follow the steps listed above. 

However, let me share my thoughts, feelings, and experience with this:

For my healthy recovery, I need to not only avoid addictive and mood-altering substances - I also need to avoid the behaviors associated with substance use, such as being sneaky and dishonest. Not wanting to tell anyone that I have been (or will be) prescribed dangerous-for-me drugs is sneaky, and some part of me gets some form of gratification from that. Not disclosing the whole truth to my medical care providers is dishonest, and I don't get gratification from that, but dishonesty can still be a go-to for me when I get afraid. It's important for me to be honest with myself about the whole picture.

I have never been physically addicted to opoids; I have, however, misused them, even while supposedly in recovery from alcoholism. It has been my experience that if I misuse any potentially mood-altering medication, I will eventually go back to my drug of choice (alcohol). This has been the experience of many others, as well.

One might ask, "Ken, why can't you just take the medication as prescribed, instead of misusing it?" And the answer is, to be honest, that I am not that far advanced to do so. The idea of getting a little taste of something that I used to get high from is not pleasing to me - it's like taking one drink, for which I have no desire. I've never had a desire for one, and only one, drink, oxycodone, brownie, or several other things. When I see a prescription that says, "Take 1 every 4 hours as needed" I see, "Take 4 every hour, and you need it." I would rather live with physical pain which I know to be temporary (and able to be alleviated with other methods) than the inner anguish of craving. When I was recently going through my intensely painful gastrointestinal issues, I was buying all sorts of over-the-counter stomach remedies, and rarely did I follow the usage instructions. (I also found that by over-medicating myself, without a physician's advice, that I was potentially creating more problems for myself than I was solving. I guess I still have stuff to work on!) So I really do not want to hand my prescription over to someone else and have them dole out the correct dosage for me - it would create more discomfort for me than it might alleviate. 

But this is why we discuss it with others, preferably those who have experience - there are some instances where treating the pain of whatever is going on is necessary for the healing process. In my particular case, I don't think I'll need to take anything more than NSAIDS (Ibuprofen, naproxen, meloxicam, etc) and acetominophen (Tylenol). I learned this from a dentist, who has encountered many patients who need to stay away from opiods - that alternating ibuprofen and Tylenol is effective. My surgery is going to be minimally invasive, I have a high physical pain tolerance, and I have the tool of meditation. I believe I can live with the physical pain and discomfort, but I will discuss it with others.

But why not trust solely upon what the doctor is saying? If you're in recovery from substance use disorder, you know the answer. If not, the answer is that most physicians are given about a day's education on substance use disorder and are unaware of the dangers to certain populations of certain medications. In general, pharmacists know more about pharmacology than physicians do, and are good resources to talk to about alternatives and possible drug interactions. 

Next question: "Why don't you simply resolve to avoid that which gives you trouble (wtf is wrong with you)?" Because by choice, genetics, or fate, I have a disorder which has hijacked the parts of my brain dealing with survival and choice. This is irreversible; I will never be able to drink like a gentleman (nor do I have any desire to do so). Additionally, I have created strong neural pathways (habits) in my brain which can't be eradicated overnight. The human brain creates these neural pathways for our survival - neural pathways are so that we don't have to consciously decide whether or not we're in danger each time we encounter a tiger in the woods. Neural pathways are why I still occasionally reach for my keys to unlock the door to my house even though we have a push-button lock, and I've lived here for 6 months. Neural pathways are great, except when we want or need to change something in our lives.

So yes, I am dead certain that alcohol and other mood-altering drugs are not good for my survival; but my subconscious, which isn't nearly as smart as I am, is not really aware of this. In fact, it still thinks they're probably ok. Yes, it's an aberration; yes, it's like lying down with the tiger even after it's eaten one of my hands and feet. So the freeway to hell still exists in my brain even though I haven't used substances for a while. It takes time, experience, and conscious decision making to let that freeway disappear. I have to experience triggers to use, and consciously tell myself a different story each time. This is why there is so much relapse in addiction, and why it is such a dangerous disorder - knowledge of our condition is not enough. We need to actually expect triggers and consciously re-do our thinking when we encounter them. Today was a trigger. I'm implementing manual override.

That which isn't understandable to people who have not experienced it can be understandable to those who have experienced it and approach it without shame, guilt, or embarrassment. It's called learning to live in the solution, rather than the problem. What can I consciously do today to ensure my survival, because I recognize that my subconscious (automatic thinking) probably won't do it for me. With practice, the process becomes an accepted way of living rather than an onerous burden.

I appreciate you reading this and being part of my recovery!

Namasté,

Ken

Life Doesn't Get Any Better

Some years ago, I heard a speaker, who had some time in recovery, state that his life hadn't gotten any better since he quit drinking and began practicing a program of recovery - but that his response to life had improved dramatically. This rang very true to me - I heard it as the Truth, and stored it somewhere up in my cranium (which, to be honest, isn't always the best place to store important stuff). 

I understand the concept, and it's very simple - life is how I perceive it. But, as many have discovered, knowing a Truth and living the Truth are two different things. I've heard it described in Unity as the longest journey I'll ever take - the 18" between my head and my heart.

For so long I tried to escape life while still living, and when I couldn't escape it, I did what I could to try to soften its blows. Years turned into decades of searching for a way to be ok with life and a way to be ok with myself. Nothing I discovered was sustainable. My efforts were met with disappointment, failure, shame, and immense suffering.

I was at a Recovery Dharma meeting tonight. All of our meetings include a brief meditation. Tonight's meditation was Make Your Life Sacred by Sarah Blondin. She gives great meditations, and it is evident that she has experienced her own suffering, and made the journey from her head to her heart. Tonight's meditation spoke of this concept that I heard many years ago - that life really does treat me how I treat it. And I realized that I am much closer (if not there) to responding to life (and myself) in a way that creates happiness and peace - not only for me, but for those whose lives I touch. 

Recovery Dharma is an addiction (substance and process) recovery program based on Buddhism's Four Noble Truths and The Eightfold Path. One of the basic tenets of Recovery Dharma is that my suffering is created simply by my misunderstanding of reality and my unskillful reactions to it. Meditation and mindfulness practice is essential to this recovery journey. Consistent meditation practice actually changes the way the brain works - stress and anxiety are reduced, and happiness, empathy, and compassion are increased. Mindfulness allows me to take a step back from my thinking and observe how it causes my suffering. 

That's all well and good, but that's still all in the head. What about this journey to the heart? Good question!

Last week I celebrated my 60th birthday, and for me it was (still is) the hugest milestone of my life since being born. I had an extraordinary experience a couple of days later - I don't remember exactly what I was doing - puttering around the house - but I got this strong feeling/thought (it came out of nowhere, as thoughts do) that suicide was no longer an option for me. On my pull-down menu of 'Reactions to Life,' self-annihilation had disappeared. It was, and is, a deep conviction that I am completely ready to face the rest of this life experience without the desire to take myself out. Now, to a lot of you reading this, you'll say, "Well, duh!" That's because it hasn't been an option for you. For me, and many others, it has been. It is exactly the same feeling, the same conviction, of those recovering alcoholics who have told me that drinking is no longer an option for them. What was once an option that seemed to be an out if life got too tough is simply no longer there, and that is nothing short of a miracle. (This doesn't mean that I no longer have to work a recovery program, because suicide and substance use are merely symptoms of the real problem, which is suffering - needless suffering from this experience called life). 

Sarah Blondin spoke tonight about the mystery of life - that there are things that we will never understand on a cognitive level, but that we can accept on a heart level. Sam Harris, my meditation mentor, calls it consciousness - the awareness that life exists, and that I am a part of, an object of consciousness. Living this way, one begins to see that life is neither good nor bad, it just is. Well, doesn't that mean you just don't give a shit anymore? Good question! One might think so, but it isn't so. It actually means that I am able to care about life - yours and mine - without wholly identifying with what I my mind thinks is going on. It allows me to use compassion and empathy to sit with another person's suffering and support them without it creating suffering in me. It allows me to feel the pain of life and get to the other side without being crushed. In the end, it allows me to know, both in my head and in my heart, that I can make it - I can survive - whatever I experience. In the end, it allows me to do one thing I have never been able to do before in this lifetime (and which so many of you seem to do with ease), and that is to realize, to know deep down, that Life Is Precious. In other words, Life Is Sacred.

You see, solely in my head, life makes no sense. As some have said, life's a bitch and then you die. My stance used to be, "Let's skip the bitch part and get to the dying part." Now I stand in an ever-growing awareness that life, consciousness, is a precious gift. It is a gift that I can endeavor to give to others on this journey, through connection and sharing. Knowing that life is sacred allows me to look upon the suffering of others not with revulsion, but with compassion and empathy, because I am becoming more aware each day that your life is my life, and my life is yours. I am now much more able to practice lovingkindness toward others rather than contempt, disdain, or even hatred. I am becoming more skillful at treating myself with love and understanding rather than self-deprecation and self-hatred.

There isn't a goal on this journey, other than enlightenment, but if we make enlightenment the goal, we won't reach it and we certainly won't enjoy the journey (yes, one of the mysteries and paradoxes of life). The journey is the goal - to become aware of each moment in this journey, so that we may experience life to the fullest.

You know what I really want to do? Right now anyway - I want to speak to people who suffer and feel downtrodden and shit on by life and let them know that there is hope. Real hope. Not hope in some far off, dreamy way, like winning the lottery some day (although that hope exists, too), but hope right here, right now, in this moment, in this present experience, no matter how things may appear. That's what I want to do. I want to let people know that the pain that is inevitable in living this existence does not have to turn into suffering, and that it can have value. 

I am so incredibly grateful to be here now, more so than I have ever been in this lifetime. I am grateful for all of the teachers and teachings that have led me to the way I am experiencing life in this moment, and I am truly grateful to be alive.

May you be happy, may you be safe, may you be well, and may you be free from suffering.

Namasté,

Ken

60!

 Today is my 60th birthday, the beginning of my 61st trip around the Sun! It truly is a happy day for me, and I've rarely been able to say that. Over the past few weeks I've been pondering what it's like for me to be turning 60, and I can honestly say it's a miracle, and I'm glad and grateful to be here today.

Two years ago, after experiencing yet another bottom and return to hope, I made a commitment to myself to do my best to stay alive for the next two years. My cycles in and out of sanity/recovery are, on average, about two years, so I thought that 2 years was a reasonable time to make a commitment. I almost blew staying alive 10 months ago, and I've since realized that these 'cycles' are actually getting shorter, so I've really got to keep on my toes. In fact, if the past 9 months are any indicator, it looks like I'd better commit daily to doing whatever I can to stay alive.

But it's become, fortunately, so much more than staying alive, or merely surviving. If this is your first time reading my blog, my daily 'struggle', as it were, is doing whatever I can to stay out of life-threatening depression and remaining abstinent from alcohol and other addictive, mood-altering substances. In fact, this incarnation of my blog began 7 years ago with this post Return to Recovery. If you read it, you'll see that my aim is the same: "I still have hope that I can learn to enjoy this lifetime, and to live a life that has purpose and meaning. That seems like a tall order, but, taken in little chunks, and done with guidance, it's probably do-able. We'll see." In some respects, nothing has changed; in others, everything has.

"It's been a long life." This statement was my mantra for a long time. In fact, it seems to me I've packed a few lifetimes into this life, and today, I look at that as a positive - it means that I'm never truly stuck. I've learned that life is constantly changing, and, more importantly, changes more quickly, with less suffering, when I am able to accept 'what is' without clinging.

This past July 10th, I reached a recovery milestone of 9 months without the use of alcohol. If you are close to me, you know that I don't put much stock for myself in time of abstinence - to me, it's sort of like celebrating the fact that I've eaten something every day for the past 9 months, or breathed for the past 9 months. It is vitally important that I do these things - stay sober, eat, and breathe - but it's seems just as important that I aspire each day to live this day to it's fullest. I don't think I was given this life to merely stay out of jail and be a source of carbon dioxide. I hope not, anyway. 

The much more significant recovery milestone that I've reached is today. The miracle is that I woke up this morning, giving me yet another opportunity to fully embrace life. I've spent so much of my life doing just the opposite. I've spent most of my life trying to avoid life, or, more accurately, trying to avoid the pain and discomfort that (I now know) comes automatically with life. In doing so, I've caused myself and others pain, discomfort, and suffering. I was hoping to create some happiness, peace, and joy in my life; what I actually often created was sorrow and discord.

So much has occurred over the last few years, and especially the past 9 months, to convince me that life is not only worth living, that it can be a joyful experience. This is the miracle of my 60th birthday - that today, I am actually enjoying life and looking forward to what comes next! I would have thought that 60 was pretty much the end of life, that it's all downhill from here. Not so for my 60 - I feel vibrantly alive today, and I am filled with joy. These are feelings I was skeptical about feeling, and words I never thought I'd write.

I have deep gratitude for all the experiences and people that have brought me to this day. If you are reading this, you are one of the people that has brought me joy and given me purpose. I hope that your days are filled with much hope, joy, health, and peace. Thank you.

Namasté,

Ken

Releasing Self-Righteousness

 If a person in recovery is fortunate, lives long enough, and searches diligently and deeply for 'causes and conditions', answers begin to come. Answers to the questions, "What is it going to take for me to begin to really enjoy life? What's it going to take for me to stop sabotaging myself, even in recovery? What's it going to take for me to stop hating myself, much less like, or even love, myself?" One such answer came to me this evening. It is probably not THE answer, but it's a big one. I ran across a quote in my Facebook feed from Roland Bal, who treats PTSD and C-PTSD, and whom I follow. It is this: "Self-righteousness is an outcome of uncontained and unresolved anger. Think opposites; when you are made to feel small, you want to feel significant." 

Reading that statement opened a door for me. You see, I engage in a whole lot of self-righteous, judgmental thinking. Now, I very rarely expose myself by actually saying what I think when I'm in that mode - I also have huge people-pleasing tendencies, and I don't think that people-pleasing and self-righteousness mix well together. Additionally, I loathe self-righteous people (which is a bit ironic). But I also still loathe myself a lot of the time, especially lately, when this type of thinking in which I'm engaging bothers me. It bothers me, but I'm not very skillful yet at stopping it or letting it go. I do recognize that I've nothing to be self-righteous about. I am a very far cry from being a pure and perfect human being. But the fact remains, on occasion...well, on many occasions...I think I'm smarter than and better than most folks. And this happens a lot at work, and it happens off and on at home (my current home, living with 10 young men). 

In the Recovery Dharma program, compassion is big. Practicing compassion is emphasized - both compassion with others, and compassion with ourselves. Additionally, as a trained and certified (but not currently working as) Peer Support Specialist, I am supposed to practice compassion and empathy and be non-judgmental. And the weird thing, maybe, is that I do practice compassion, and I am empathetic and non-judgmental. When I sit down with another person and have a real conversation about recovery or life or whatever, I set my intention to be that compassionate person, and I am. And I don't judge those whom I've gotten to know through this process. So, if I have the capacity and the skill for compassion and empathy, why does my mind flip at times to self-righteousness and judgmental-ism? 

The answer is in the above quote: "...when [I am] made to feel small, [I] want to feel significant."

This is obviously an issue of self-esteem and self-worth, and I know I'm not alone. In the book Alcoholics Anonymous, co-founder Bill Wilson writes in his own story, "...Twenty-two, and a veteran of foreign wars, I went home at last. I fancied myself a leader, for had not the men of my battery given me a special token of appreciation? My talent for leadership, I imagined, would place me at the head of vast enterprises which I would manage with the utmost assurance. I took a night law course, and obtained employment as investigator for a surety company. The drive for success was on. I'd prove to the world I was important [emphasis added]." (Alcoholics Anonymous, AA World Services, 4th ed, pp. 1-2) Now I had read Bill's Story numerous times over the years, and I missed the line, "I'd prove to the world I was important." When it finally hit me, it occurred to me that a person with normal self-worth and normal self-esteem doesn't need to prove to anybody that they're important. And Bill felt this way at the beginning of his alcoholic journey, before his mind had been warped and he'd been beaten down by the disease.

I'd heard often in meetings that alcoholics are egomaniacs with inferiority complexes, and it certainly seems to agree with Bill's statement. In the last few years of various treatment modalities, I've learned that alcoholics and addicts take on some of the traits of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. This isn't to say that all alcoholics have this disorder, but that a number of the traits that those with the disorder have are developed during the course of a person's addiction, such as, "I know better than you (or anybody)" and "I can do whatever I want." 

The AA way is to classify this egomania combined with feelings of inferiority as a character defect or shortcoming, and ask God to remove it. That actually never worked for me.

I assert that Bill Wilson's desire to prove he was important developed long before he ever took his first drink of alcohol. Roland Bal's statement suggests that when I am made to feel small, I want to feel significant - the opposite of small. When I am unheard, I desire to be heard. When I am made to feel stupid, or useless, or less-than (not good enough), I desire to feel smart, useful, or better than good enough. I'm not an egomaniac. I think egomaniacs have ambition, something I've never seemed to have a lot of. Or maybe will, or drive. I do remember wanting to show the 'peers' (I use that term really loosely here) with whom I attended high school that I was something, and often got on the path to do just that. But I could never stay on the path. I always, always, always failed. Every single time. Some people become great successes, yet still feel inferior at their core - for no good reason. I had reason. I was inferior.

So, over the years, I retained my better-than-thou attitude because having it made me feel superior, or significant. But, just like the alcohol, and the substances, and the behaviors that made me feel good, my attitude could never sustain how I really felt, what I really believed about myself - that I was less-than, and defective, and really undeserving of anything good. For the longest time, I wasn't even lovable; if somebody did love me, they were either crazy, or I had fooled them into loving me. That love was never sustainable.

But I digress. The fact is that I had developed a habit of thinking, an attitude, in which the world and most of its inhabitants were really quite shitty, and unsuitable for me. So even when I got something nice, like a shiny new car, or a shiny new job, or a shiny new girlfriend, eventually my overall attitude would color the the new thing or person, and it wasn't good enough any more. And I'd leave. Or drink. Or attempt suicide. Or all of the above, it did not matter, I would fuck. it. up.

I had a new job once and a friend asked me how I liked it, and I said, "It's great! I really like everybody there!" And they replied, "Don't worry, that'll pass." Yep.

This evening, after I read that quote, memories came up of a lot of the times growing up that others, usually authority figures, made me feel small. Or, to put it more accurately, I erroneously believed the demeaning words and actions of some people. But, when a five or six-year-old child is told by their 1st grade teacher to stand in a corner and stay there, and "don't turn around because nobody wants to see your face," that child, who is supposed to respect his teachers and believe what they say, might have a tendency to believe that teacher. To this day I have no idea or recollection of what I did wrong. But I knew I was bad. And what happened with me was I began to look at almost everybody as better and/or bigger than me. I was small.

So what happens at work, or at home (living with 10 young men), that triggers this 'small' feeling, to which I respond with thoughts of judgment? I can truthfully say that it's all internal, not external. Nobody has talked down to me, or done anything purposely to make me feel small for a very long time. It's the fear of being judged 'not good enough' that I carry with me. It's the fear of people that I don't know well and that are 'different' from me that I carry. There's the opportunity to be judged at work, because I'm not perfect at my job. There's the opportunity to be judged at home, because even though we're peers in addiction, I'm different because I'm old (and probably old-fashioned). I've got some nice things going now, but I need to be wary because things always change for the worse. That idea right there is the underlying belief, and the key to becoming a professional self-saboteur.

I like signs of progress, and I experienced some progress the other day. A person at work who handles pricing and making price tags (we must have a million) called me up to their office. I had set up some displays the day previous, and did not make any signage for prices or product description. They let me know in no uncertain terms that that can't happen, and that if I need assistance in making the signage, they'd help. Now, the person telling me this did this in a manner that was pretty stern, and very understandable to me. The progress I made was I accepted that I had screwed up, this person was letting me know, very firmly, how to avoid screwing up again. I did not take this personally, like "I'm a bad person." (In fact, come to think of it, if my thinking had gone that way, the better and more accurate version would have been, "I'm a bad worker). I left that encounter examining what I was thinking and feeling, and it was all ok. I screwed up, they let me know. It happens. I like when things like this happen - I can respond in a rational way. I know I can do it!

What can I do about this habitual, downward spiral thinking of mine that causes me suffering? I've already started with the first thing: objective self-examination/reflection. The next is to share this with someone, such as my mentor. 

Then I would probably visit my inner child, the 5 year-old me, or the 11 year-old me, or the 19 year-old me, in meditation and say something like this: "I am sorry you are hurt. You do not deserve to be hurt. When adults speak to you in a demeaning way, a way that makes you feel small, it is not you. It is not your fault - adults have no business talking down to a child, and those that do have their own issues inside that they haven't dealt with. They really know no better, and it is not your fault. You are a worthy person simply because You Are. When your peers make fun of you, and make you feel 'not good enough', know that this, too, is done out of their own ignorance, and their own issues. People who feel good about who they are don't put others down. Please know that you are loved, that you are a valuable and worthwhile person. Please know that your life is valuable. Please know that for every person you meet that puts you down, you will meet 100 others who will lift you up. You are not a burden to anybody, and you are so much more than 'enough'." Something like that. 

Then there is journaling. Actual journaling, not just this blog. And forgiveness - me first. I will forgive myself for believing the lies with which I grew up for so so long into my adulthood. I will forgive myself for the harm I caused myself and others through acting on my erroneous beliefs. And I will forgive those that I believe hurt me. I will begin practicing understanding and compassion when I think of these people. I will send  metta to every one of them.

And I will consciously practice gratitude for every person in my life. I will practice seeing the best in them. In doing so, I will eliminate the cognitive dissonance I experience and the self-loathing I feel from desiring to be a kind, loving, compassionate person while thinking like a self-righteous twit. I will open myself to even greater connection with others and begin to recognize the worth of us all.

So that's the plan. In my last post, I wrote about recognizing and developing personal power. A person who feels small and insignificant does not feel much personal power, if any. The better a person feels about themself, the more personal power they have to direct their lives in a way that is beneficial not only to the person but to those whose lives they touch. That is my desire - to live in such a way that benefits humankind and eases the suffering of others.

And we'll see where that goes.

Namasté,

Ken