In sobriety, health becomes a main concern, too. I realize that, as I mentioned in the last post, I abused my body with alcohol and other drugs off and on for many years. Alcohol affects every organ in the body, so when one is earnestly seeking recovery from alcoholism, one also becomes concerned with repairing the other damage.
So the rest of the post has nothing to do with the introduction other than I visited the oral surgeon today to have two teeth removed that had become more problematic than helpful. Sort of like unwanted employees, I guess. Anyway, I had 3 choices of anesthesia - local (Novocain, which numbs any part into which it is injected), Novocain with nitrous oxide (laughing gas), or conscious sedation (what I had when I had my colonoscopy). I indicated on the paperwork that I wanted the conscious sedation. My reason was because I had no side effects - i.e., cravings - from that type of sedation. I did not want the nitrous oxide, because I have abused it in the past, and it is the closest in effect in my mind to drinking. The good doctor either didn't read my paperwork or didn't care, but he used only Novocain. I thought he was going to cut the teeth out, but he pulled them. My wonder is why I was sent to an oral surgeon to have something done that a regular dentist could have done. File under: Oh well, whatever.
One of the things I need to work on in my recovery is assertiveness. Some days are better than others. This was an 'other' day. I did not tell the oral surgeon that I didn't want any narcotic painkillers prescribed to me, so he did. My plan was that I would take the ibuprofen I have at home. That's still my plan. I told the pharmacist to only fill the antibiotic prescription, not the painkillers.
Here I had to think - to choose one option out of several that came to mind. I used to use opiate painkillers recreationally. I have never gotten addicted to them. Sometimes it was years between use, but I took opportunities when they presented themselves to use them to get high. Every time I did, I was in abstention from alcohol, but not necessarily what I would call sober.
So all of the old thoughts came back - do I want to catch an opiate buzz for a few days? Nobody would know. Then I thought of honesty, which I've been practicing rigorously for the last 4 months (by the way, I celebrated 4 months of sobriety yesterday). I go to my recovery groups, I have my spiritual mentor whom I talk with several times a week, I have a therapist, and lots of friends in recovery. These questions came to mind, "Do I really want to hide my use from all of these people? Can I stand the feelings that my dishonesty would generate? Is using worth it?"
Then, I got an even better thought - I've worked really, really hard for the past 4 months to stay sober and to get into recovery from depression. "Do I want to jeopardize the progress I've made?"
Then I made the realization that I've actually been feeling fairly consistently good for the past month or two. "Do I want or even need to change the way I'm feeling right now?" I recognized that I appreciate my sobriety and my mental/emotional health, and that feels good. It feels good to acknowledge that I can live life happily and successfully without the use of mood-altering chemicals. Something is going right today and I don't want to change it.
I'm grateful for this experience. It showed me what I truly have right now, and it showed me that I can make skillful choices. I am grateful to be in recovery, and I'm grateful for my life today. Four months ago, I could not have honestly said (or written) that.
Namasté,
Ken
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