Time to Let Go

I've let go of two things in the past two days - Facebook and sugar - and, oh my gosh, is it painful! Inside it is; from the outside, I don't think anybody would notice. I'm letting go of things that I know I use as palliatives - substances and behaviors to soothe uncomfortable feelings. 

I'm letting go of these things for my physical, my mental, and my spiritual health. Physically, I'm 30 to 40 pounds overweight, depending upon which guidelines one uses. To illustrate what sugar does with me physically, I'll note that I've lost 5 pounds in 2 days of no sugar and very little carbohydrates. There is a sort of withdrawal, but it's not nearly as bad as withdrawal from many other addictive drugs. I'm making it through the cravings by realizing how good I'll feel at a lighter weight and how much more in control I'll feel without the highs and lows of sugar use. There are other physical issues as well, the main one being that I'm avoiding diabetes. I've got some super-tough heavy-duty organs, but everything wears out eventually, and I'd like to use whatever control I have over maintaining my health. My use of Facebook affects my physical health because the time I'm spending on Facebook is time that I'm not exercising, and sometimes not sleeping.

I'm not sure how much a role in my mental and emotional health sugar plays, but I've been doing some reading, and some sources say it plays a huge role. I don't know how much of a role it plays in my mental health because I have never gotten off of sugar. I was raised on Coca-Cola and Chips Ahoy cookies and sweet desserts. Alcohol is sugar in another form. Maybe it's like crack sugar. I do know that when I indulge in a lot of sugary snacks at night, I wake up in the morning with sort of a hangover. I use sugar to relax after work (ice cream) or during work (candy). I would rather like to use some of the healthy coping skills I know to see how well they work. 

Facebook is kind of strange for me. I've gotten a world of good out of it, and I've also allowed it to affect the way I feel in a negative way. I see it as a handy tool for well-disciplined folks. I don't think I fit into that category. For me, right now, it allows me to isolate a little too much. I believe actual human contact is beneficial for my all-around health. Also, Facebook is one of those things I go to when I feel uncomfortable, and, again, I'm going to move toward using healthier (to me) coping skills when I feel uncomfortable.

Spiritually, there is nothing wrong with Facebook, and there is nothing wrong with sugar. When I discover my place in the Universe, and begin to discover my oneness with the Universe, I recognize that there is nothing created that does not belong. Sugar has a place, and so does Facebook. Alcohol, opium, and the coca plant have a place and a purpose as well. What I must examine is my relationship to what is in my life. Alcohol played an important role in my life - it kept me alive when otherwise I would have killed myself, and the resulting addiction led me into a new way of life. Alcohol is no longer necessary or desirable in my life, and I've let it go. Depression is a result of intense dissatisfaction with life along with a belief that I'm powerless to change. Without that dissatisfaction, I would not have bothered to change; without that feeling of powerlessness, I might not have begun my search for my personal power, which resides within me (yet is still sometimes elusive). Depression may still have some purpose in my life, because it still comes to visit - it just doesn't stay as long or leave such a mess. My recovery from alcoholism and depression has led me to a lot of very awesome people, a career, and an avocation. 

So Facebook and sugar aren't detrimental to my spirituality. Neither is alcohol, so long as I don't consume any. But what happens is sometimes I allow things to become a higher power to me. When I rely upon stuff that's 'out there', rather than on my Higher Power, I'm not getting the full benefit of my connection with the Universe. I was using sugar and Facebook to avoid parts of life (I still use other things to avoid life too - it's just sugar and Facebook that I'm letting go of right now). When I hit a wall at work, or didn't want to do something at home, I was on Facebook. When I didn't want to feel discomfort, I indulged in sugar. So, one could say that I spoiled my relationship with Facebook and sugar by using them for purpose for which they aren't intended (for me). So I let them go. (I may use Facebook again if I can find a way to use it as a communication tool, and not an excuse for not doing the dishes). 

What am I going to allow to come into the space left by letting go of Facebook and sugar? Tune in tomorrow.

Namasté, 

Ken

Acceptance that I Have This...Thing

More on acceptance. Acceptance is such an important quality to have for recovery from probably any condition, but especially for recovery from a mental health condition (including addiction). Acceptance is a hard concept to define, to say exactly what it is. I can tell you what it looks like, and I can tell you what it doesn't look like. I can tell you when I am in acceptance and when I'm not. But I can't define it perfectly, and each person's path to acceptance looks different for each person.

I'm not depressed today (even though it's raining and winter is just around the corner). I'm not drinking alcohol or using other drugs today. So, how can I say I have the diseases of alcoholism and depression? My mind says, "I don't have a disease. I am perfectly healthy. My vital signs are perfect, my cholesterol is perfect, I've got no pain, there's no pus or discharge anywhere. I am disease free!" This is very true in this moment (other than the cold I have, but I wanted to use the statement above for an example), but if I allow this thinking to continue without qualifiers, I'll get sick again. If I don't add the statement, "because of all I'm doing to stay healthy," I'll get sick again. In other words, I'm in remission today from those things that have plagued me most of my life, and in order to stay in remission, there are certain things that I must do.

Many years ago, my 1st wife and I were looking into getting life insurance. We invited the insurance salesman into our home, and let him give his spiel. It turns out that, even though I was sober at that time, my life was not insurable by his company because I had been through treatment for alcoholism. I was outraged! I asked him, "You mean that if I were still drinking today and had not been through treatment, you could sell me a life insurance policy?" Yep.

Today I'm not outraged. Today I understand that my life expectancy is, well, to be honest, zero. I'm past it. If I take an honest look at my history, I cannot guarantee to anyone - my friends, my family, my employers, anyone - that I won't become self-destructive today to the point that I die. Of course, I can't guarantee that anybody won't pass away today; however, odds are better for me to go today than for a lot of people because, you see, I have this thing.

Now, I don't go charging into job interviews and first dates with this happy news. I don't preface every interaction I have with the warning, "Danger: if you get close to me and care for me or invest your time, money, and energy in me, I'm going to eventually disappoint and probably hurt you." I have a lot of hope today that the good things I'm doing for myself are going to keep me from becoming the Ken who dies from alcoholism or suicide. I'm about 95% certain today that if I do die today, it'll be from something else. That's kind of a crappy way to look at things, because it's not entirely optimistic. It is, however, realistic.

And I think that's a lot of what acceptance is for me today - the continuing knowledge that I'm on life support at this moment, and this life support consists of many things. If I stop doing something that I am doing for my recovery, I may start getting sick. And the really neat thing is I don't know what that something is. I don't know if there is a 'key' to my recovery. I prefer to think that it is a healthy mix of many things.

So, back to acceptance - I don't like saying, "I am an alcoholic," because today I'm not drinking alcoholically. I'm not drinking at all. I don't like saying, "I have depression," because today, I have none (I think). Very often I will tell peers that I am in recovery from alcoholism and mental illness. I'm functioning today, sober and relatively sanely, because I am currently doing the things I need to do to stay sober and sane. I'm not cured.

There's the joke about the doe that came staggering out of the woods, panting, her fur disheveled, and said, "Boy, that's the last time I do that for two bucks!" Chances are, if she liked any part of the experience, it's not the last time. My point being that with some things, I will never learn my lesson. Even though I have been severely beaten by alcohol, and my vast experience with it has been negative, I can't simply say, "I'm finished, and I'll never do that again." I have accepted that I will drink again, I'm bound and destined to drink again, unless I maintain a certain attitude (acceptance) and continue to practice a recovery lifestyle.

In other words, for me, acceptance is not permanent. Acceptance is something that is dynamic - ever changing depending upon what I'm doing or not doing, and what I'm inviting into my life. This is why it's difficult to define, and also difficult to come up with a specific formula to gain acceptance.

I do, however, know the basic ingredients of acceptance - self-honesty, humility, openmindedness, willingness, and surrender. I have to be able to take a realistic look at myself and my life; I have to be convinced that I can't think my way out of my situation, and that in and of myself, I am powerless to do anything about my situation; I have to understand that I need to do things that with which I'm not comfortable and to believe, at least a little, at first, that if I cooperate with the process, I'll be ok and things will get better.

And that's why recovery from mental health conditions is not easy. There's not one thing that needs to be done to recover, there are many things. I can't watch a Youtube video and figure out how it's done. Figuring out how it's done is a daily deal.

So, no matter if I call it a disease or anything else, I have this thing, and if I want to live happily and free, I must do certain other things. And that is acceptance. The good news is that pretty much everything I do, if not everything, to stay in recovery benefits me, makes my life rich and meaningful, and benefits others. So part of acceptance for me is continuing to do the things I do to stay in recovery and remain conscious on a daily basis of the things that are working in my life. It's a daily cycle, just like my drinking and my depression used to be. It's the other side of the coin, because I no longer fight myself or anything else; I accept, deal with, and overcome on a daily basis.

Namaste,

Ken

Celebrating Sobriety

I noticed my last post was about health. This one is related as well. It seems that when one passes the 50 year mark, thoughts and conversations become more about health - what parts we've lost, what parts we've had replaced, which parts hurt when we wake up in the morning, and which parts still seem to be working just fine.
In sobriety, health becomes a main concern, too. I realize that, as I mentioned in the last post, I abused my body with alcohol and other drugs off and on for many years. Alcohol affects every organ in the body, so when one is earnestly seeking recovery from alcoholism, one also becomes concerned with repairing the other damage.
So the rest of the post has nothing to do with the introduction other than I visited the oral surgeon today to have two teeth removed that had become more problematic than helpful. Sort of like unwanted employees, I guess. Anyway, I had 3 choices of anesthesia - local (Novocain, which numbs any part into which it is injected), Novocain with nitrous oxide (laughing gas), or conscious sedation (what I had when I had my colonoscopy). I indicated on the paperwork that I wanted the conscious sedation. My reason was because I had no side effects - i.e., cravings - from that type of sedation. I did not want the nitrous oxide, because I have abused it in the past, and it is the closest in effect in my mind to drinking. The good doctor either didn't read my paperwork or didn't care, but he used only Novocain. I thought he was going to cut the teeth out, but he pulled them. My wonder is why I was sent to an oral surgeon to have something done that a regular dentist could have done. File under: Oh well, whatever.
One of the things I need to work on in my recovery is assertiveness. Some days are better than others. This was an 'other' day. I did not tell the oral surgeon that I didn't want any narcotic painkillers prescribed to me, so he did. My plan was that I would take the ibuprofen I have at home. That's still my plan. I told the pharmacist to only fill the antibiotic prescription, not the painkillers.
Here I had to think - to choose one option out of several that came to mind. I used to use opiate painkillers recreationally. I have never gotten addicted to them. Sometimes it was years between use, but I took opportunities when they presented themselves to use them to get high. Every time I did, I was in abstention from alcohol, but not necessarily what I would call sober.
So all of the old thoughts came back - do I want to catch an opiate buzz for a few days? Nobody would know. Then I thought of honesty, which I've been practicing rigorously for the last 4 months (by the way, I celebrated 4 months of sobriety yesterday). I go to my recovery groups, I have my spiritual mentor whom I talk with several times a week, I have a therapist, and lots of friends in recovery. These questions came to mind, "Do I really want to hide my use from all of these people? Can I stand the feelings that my dishonesty would generate? Is using worth it?"
Then, I got an even better thought - I've worked really, really hard for the past 4 months to stay sober and to get into recovery from depression. "Do I want to jeopardize the progress I've made?"
Then I made the realization that I've actually been feeling fairly consistently good for the past month or two. "Do I want or even need to change the way I'm feeling right now?" I recognized that I appreciate my sobriety and my mental/emotional health, and that feels good. It feels good to acknowledge that I can live life happily and successfully without the use of mood-altering chemicals. Something is going right today and I don't want to change it.
I'm grateful for this experience. It showed me what I truly have right now, and it showed me that I can make skillful choices. I am grateful to be in recovery, and I'm grateful for my life today. Four months ago, I could not have honestly said (or written) that.

Namasté,

Ken