Self-Esteem

Last year, when I had my own business, I acquired a fair amount of debt. This is nothing new - debt has been a part of my life almost as long as alcoholism. What is new is the set of circumstances in which I found myself - I had been financed by friends of mine (actual people, rather than faceless companies), and I had recently lost one of the main enablers of my financial irresponsibility. So, my business tanked about 8 months ago, and I tanked with it. I became majorly depressed and hopeless, and I began drinking again. When I again got sober in May, 2015, I knew that I would have to take responsibility for my life. This was not something I looked forward to, as I had neatly evaded being responsible my entire life, and I wasn't very sure at all that I could become a responsible human being now. But I was willing to try.

So I set out to be responsible, which for me means taking care of my daily business rather than avoiding it, evading it, ignoring it, or giving it to someone else.

Which led to me beginning to pay back those people who had lent me money to help me succeed in my endeavors. What I started doing when I got my most recent job was taking a certain amount from each check - it works out to be about 25% - 33%, depending upon how many hours I work - and making payments to people to whom I owe money. So far, I've got the first two people on my list almost all paid back. The amount isn't impressive; what is impressive to me is that I've been able to put forth consistent, positive effort toward a worthwhile goal. That hasn't happened very often in my life.
After a couple months of doing this, I began to consider how I felt about what I was doing, and I found out I felt - well, I didn't know how I felt, but it felt - ok.

At first, I thought I was supposed to feel good. Now, feeling good to me might mean a different thing than feeling good does to someone else. To me, good is the feeling I used to get from using alcohol and drugs. Good is the feeling I get from kissing a girl. Good is the feeling I get after I exercise or when I occasionally have a large amount of money in my pocket.
This was something different. I felt ok. I'm glad I'm doing the right thing (finally), but it's not a euphoric feeling, and it's not stoking my ego, because it's something I feel is just the right thing to do. I thought it was strange that I wasn't able to put a name on this feeling, but I knew it was a feeling with which I am unfamiliar.

I talked about this last week at the alumni group I attend at the halfway house from which I graduated (twice). I described what I felt, and the counselor asked if I knew what it was. I acknowledged that I didn't, and he told me that it was called self-esteem and self-respect. Wow. Just wow. I've never felt that before. Never that I can recall. I've always had these high highs and low lows, and I had believed that was what life was about. This is just steady, solid, and secure. I'm ok  with myself, and I'm ok  with what I'm doing. What a concept.

Now maybe I can apply this concept to other areas of my life, and be ok with feeling ok, rather than needing or expecting some kick-in-the-ass extra-ordinary feeling from doing what is expected from a civilized responsible human being. I can still get good feelings from those healthy things that make me feel good, but I can also be satisfied with the feeling I get from living from my higher self. I am grateful that I survived long enough to experience this.

Namasté,
Ken