3 Days

I was recalling today my last relapse, which took place in early April, 2015. Obviously, if you've read my previous posts, you'd know that the relapse began way before that, with my thinking and my actions; but the actual breaking of my abstinence from alcohol took place in early April. 

The straw that broke the camel's back was that my vehicle, which I needed for my livelihood at the time, took a major dump. I originally started my business with my Monte Carlo, which was a really nice car. I decided I needed a small van, because the Monte Carlo was not a good car to use for hauling equipment. I did a quick sale on the Monte Carlo for less than it was worth, and paid $500 for a Town and Country minivan that had over 200,000 miles. Now, I did get my money's worth out of the van - it definitely paid for itself. However, I tried running it long after it should have been declared dead, and it ended up costing quite a bit before I finally let it go. Then I was vehicle-less for awhile, and this was in the middle of winter. So, I suspended my business for a couple of months, and relied mainly upon my part-time job at the hardware store. Getting there was difficult, and I asked some people for a lot of rides. Then I bought a temporary interim car (a Grand Prix) to use while I waited for my next van, and that was somewhat helpful. I then purchased my last ride, the Astro Van. That went fairly well for a couple of months, and then the head gasket blew. I would have had to fix the head gasket or buy a rebuilt engine to get this van running again, and I just did not have the resources for that.

I had the van towed to my mechanic's garage. One of my first thoughts was, "I wonder what kind of wonderful story will come from this?", which is actually very good thinking; however, I did not believe it. I did not understand at the time what the real problem was. This is what is important:

I did not understand at the time what the real problem was.

I spent the next couple of days trying to figure out how I could fix the van or replace it, or what I could do to make money real quick. I spent all of my energy looking at ways to keep my fledgling business alive. Finally, after 3 days, I lost all hope, and decided that I will never succeed at anything in life and I might as well be dead, and I began the potentially fatal business of drinking.

Not once during those three days did I consider the questions, "How will I put my recovery first and stay sober through this?", or, "What do I need to change in me?" Not once did I consider this to be an indicator that I was sick inside, and that I needed to begin healing. I was a time bomb waiting for the next shoe to drop (that's mixing metaphors, by the way). 

The problem was, and I was so unaware of it, that the change must come from within before it shows up without.

When I began to accept that I have lots of healing to do, and that that healing must come first, my recovery began. When I began to accept that the problem is not life itself, but my reactions to life, my recovery began. When I began to accept that I was a part of the universe, not the center of it and not apart from it, but a part of it, my recovery began. When I began to accept that I need to listen to others as well as myself, my recovery began. When I began to accept that the only thing I have to do today is do my best to stay in recovery, my recovery began. When I began to believe that there might be a diamond hidden underneath piles of shit, and when I picked up the tools to start digging, my recovery began.

Was it inevitable, did I need to drink again to begin this discovery? I've heard that I needed absolutely everything I've experienced to get to where I am today, and I've debated that. But, looking back today, I needed to be defeated physically, mentally, and spiritually in order to begin to accept real recovery. Am I glad I had my last relapse? No. It was painful, and it really sucked, and I'm still paying for it today. I am very grateful for what has come from that, and I am so grateful to be living the life I'm living today. I am rich and truly blessed.

Namaste,

Ken