Breaking It Down

 My store director notified me 2 days ago that he had put me in for a merit raise. Wonderful! How much doesn't matter because, if you read my post Priceless, you'll know that I couldn't possibly be paid in dollars and cents what I'm truly worth (neither could you). But I am very grateful to receive a direct affirmation that I am appreciated where I work. I noticed, however, that I had mixed feelings about the news - I felt good that I'm being noticed and my work is appreciated, but I also felt some guilt, and I thought, "Why should I feel guilty?" So I decided to break it down. 

I've written recently about discovering that what was keeping me in a depressed mood or vibe most of the time can be called my Attributional Style - that I was living with the belief that everything 'bad' that was going on in my life was the result of me being a bad person, and that if something good happened to happen, it was a fluke, and I would surely screw it up. With that attributional style, it's difficult, if not impossible, to get out of depression. So what I'm learning to do is to break things down, and look at events, my thinking, and my feelings individually so that I can see if they really fit who I am or who I want to become. In other words, I turned off the autopilot and started to fly manually more often to see if I might end up at a different destination.

So this incident at work, my receiving word that my name was put in for a raise, and the subsequent mixed feelings, gave me the perfect opportunity to break things down and see where my feelings were coming from. (At the end of this post, I'll share what could have happened if I hadn't broken it down).

The question came to me, "Why do I feel guilty about receiving a raise?" and the answer is, I don't. I show up at work, usually on time, I've never called in, I'm honest, I do what is asked of me and more always to the best of my ability, and I'm good at what I do, I'm pleasant to be around, and I have a positive (outward) attitude, and occasionally I offer helpful suggestions. I deserve a merit raise, based on my performance. Ok, so where are the guilt feelings coming from? 

There were two places from which the guilty feelings stemmed. The first is that I know my own inner thinking, and I think it needs improvement. I'm not happy with some corporate policies that I think make my job more difficult or frustrating. I'm not happy that I think the store's (and maybe corporate's) management is short sighted, and is pennywise and pound-foolish. I'm not happy that I believe some of my co-workers don't give a shit about doing a good job. I'm grateful I'm not an outward complainer (most of the time), but I know that much of my thinking while I'm working takes away from my effectiveness - so that I am not the best worker that I possibly could be. However, I am doing my work to change this aspect of myself, and I am improving. There is no reason to feel guilty about having a bad inner attitude so long as I'm working to improve.

The second reason I was experiencing guilt was because I am not planning at working for my employer forever. I am currently in the process of becoming a certified Peer Specialist again - I'm aiming at employment that is a better utilization of my gifts and skills. And I'm not ungrateful for working where I am - despite my shitty-at-times thinking, I'm very grateful for the huge opportunity that has been given me by my current employer! But, most important, my store director knows of my plans - I've asked off for the 2 weeks of training in May, and I've spoken with him directly about my plans. So he knows - if he wants to give me more money despite the fact that I won't be there forever, who am I to say no? I'm not deceiving him in the least. So there's no reason to feel guilty.

Ok, a quick paragraph or two about guilt and shame, because I think the following points can't be driven home enough. Guilt is bad feelings about what I've done, or am doing, and shame is bad feelings about who I am. Both are negative states of consciousness, but guilt can be used in a positive way, whereas shame is useless (in my opinion). Shame says that I am a bad person, and nothing I can do will ever change that. I may strive to be 'good', and do all sorts of good stuff, but deep down I'm always going to be a piece of shit, and if anybody ever knew what a really shitty character I am, they wouldn't have anything to do with me. Maybe I'm a bad person because of my gender, my race or ethnicity, or the religion into which I was born, or because I was born with or acquired a disability, cognitive and/or physical - whatever! It's some aspect or fact about me that can't really be changed at the deepest level that, somewhere along the line, I've learned that I should (there's that s-word!) feel bad about. Shame can only be let go - there's nothing in this life I can ever accomplish that will erase shame. I have to simply (but not so easily) begin to judge myself differently and let it go.

Guilt, on the other hand, is bad feelings stemming from something I've done, or, something I'm thinking about or thinking about doing. Guilt is good when the feelings keep me from harming someone else or myself in some way. Guilt can be bad for me when I feel bad about doing something that is not harming myself or someone else - for instance, I can (and often do) feel guilty about asking for help. I'm not going to elaborate on that, that's a whole 'nother post. But here's an example of positive guilt:

I work right in the middle of the addictive section of my store - between bakery, liquor, and ice cream. Because of good practice, I am rarely bothered by thoughts about alcohol, but I still often have to make tough choices regarding the bakery and the ice cream, so guilt surrounding those items hasn't been helpful yet. Here's a guilt story about liquor: At the store, we get rid of stock that doesn't sell or is outdated or going to be outdated. We do this by offering it for half-price, and then, eventually, distressing it (getting rid of it and calling it a loss). For whatever reason, when I see a skid full of liquor or beer is basically trash, my interest is piqued. Most recently, it was some Stolichnaya Vodka. If you're not familiar with it, it's a fairly high-end vodka that I've never sampled. Anyway, thoughts of stealing it or drinking it give me feelings of guilt - bad feelings inside because if I follow through on the thought, I'm being harmful to myself and others. That's good guilt - it says there are consequences from following this line of thinking that I no longer want in my experience. The way guilt turns bad is if I do not listen to it, or, again, if I have constant guilt about taking (or not taking) actions - then it can turn to shame. Guilt is often a useful tool if I use it.

So there you have it. And, as I promised, I will let you know what can happen if I don't dissect how I'm thinking or feeling. If I were to assume that I should feel guilty about getting a raise, rather than analyzing what's really going on, I would continue to feel guilty and add it to my shame bucket. Eventually, I would do things to sabotage my job, like calling in, or not doing what is assigned to me, or giving voice to the complaints in my head. Eventually, probably more sooner than later, I would feel like my whole life sucked, and I would create evidence to prove that I don't deserve the good that comes to me. I would drink again, and I would go back into active addiction and depression, and I would be unable to keep my job, my apartment, and, eventually, my life. That's just how the cycle runs. So it's important to me that I nip relapse in the bud and at the source - my thoughts and feelings. Once I release something by taking an action, I give up control; however, I do have tools to help me steer my thinking and feeling into better actions.

I am grateful today for the insight that has been given to me, and I'm especially grateful for the willingness, motivation, strength, and courage that it takes to use this insight to allow life to be good.

Namasté,

Ken

Starting at the Top

 My current counselor recently introduced me to a new (to me) concept. We were talking about doing our best vs seeking approval. My counselor used to teach, and he said that when he began the semester, he told his students that they all had A's - that all they had to do if they wanted to have an A at the end of the semester was to maintain it by learning and doing the work. This sounded to me both intriguing and a little fishy. The more I started to think about it, and to examine my past regarding doing my best vs approval seeking, the more it made sense, especially spiritually.

As discussed in an earlier post, one of my core beliefs that doesn't work for me anymore is that I am inferior, I'm not good enough, I don't have what it takes (whatever it is). I have reinforced that belief time and time again through sabotaging the opportunities that came my way. When I had an opportunity, instead of doing my best, I did what I thought would bring me approval and love. Living for approval is not sustainable in the long run for (at least) two reasons: the first is that if I need approval from someone else as motivation to live life, I've made another human being (or an institution or corporation) my higher power, and no human being (or institution or corporation) is equipped to take on the job of being mine or anyone else's higher power. The second reason is that I have an addictive personality, and approval is like a drug to me, and eventually, I can't get enough. So the end result of living life to get others' approval is discouragement, disappointment, and resentment. Not good.

Those of us who have lived through mental illness and/or addiction and/or incarceration can probably relate - we've hit bottom in one way or another. When we get out of the hospital, or the treatment center, or the prison, if we don't want to go back, it looks like we're at the base of a very tall mountain - the mountain being recovery and regaining health, dignity, and respect. Lots of us get a little way up the mountain, get exhausted, fall down and roll back down, somewhat like Sisyphus.

What if I changed my thinking on this? What if, instead of starting at the bottom, beaten and broken, and having to scrabble my way up, I start at the top, meaning cultivating a belief that I already have what I need to be successful in whatever I desire to do today? Cultivating this belief, however, has a few prerequisites - I must be willing to live a day, or even a moment, at a time; I must be willing to act as if I have a loving Higher Power that provides me with everything I need today to have a successful day; I must be willing to not only count the mistakes I make in a day, but to count the things I've done well during the day.

I have a new job - I work at a grocery store as a courtesy clerk and, more recently, as a checker. Most days I open, meaning I start at 6 am  checking and preparing certain things for the day's business. In other words, I clean the bathrooms and the break room, sweep the floors, take out the trash, and perform other miscellaneous tasks. Then when customers begin coming, I help bag groceries, collect carts, check prices, and other miscellaneous tasks. I love what I'm doing (being of service) and I feel extremely grateful and fortunate to be working in a grocery store. It has great meaning for me - 23 years ago I worked in grocery, and I really messed that job up in a big way. I feel like I've been given another chance and an opportunity to make indirect amends to the grocery store for which I used to work, as well as direct amends to myself - I get to work each day at being a different person than I used to be. I go at my job each day with enthusiasm, and I do my best. Apparently my best is very good, as my work has been noticed several times in a positive way. 

Because I see this job as a gift from God or an opportunity from the Universe, I am interested in seeking my approval regarding how I show up and perform each day. I know what I need to do to feel like I'm doing a good job. I'm not interested in anyone else's approval, though I do get it. (And that's one of the paradoxes in my life - when I do something for it's own sake - for instance, being authentic - rather than in an effort to gain approval, I get more approval than I would have gotten if I had tried for it, and it feels better, too, because it's genuine. I did not solicit it).

What I'm not doing is coming at this job from an angle of 'not good enough' and trying to prove myself. I suit up, show up (on time), and do all my tasks believing that they are gifts. So I don't get paid a whole bunch monetarily, but I am wealthy beyond belief in self-esteem and gratitude.

Now let's take a look at recovery. My current counselor, and a lot of people in recovery, say that the only thing I have to do today in order to be successful is to abstain from using alcohol or drugs. That is really tough for me to swallow, because I counter with, "You mean I could stay in bed all day and do nothing and I'm a success?" Well, sort of. The thing is that staying in bed all day is not conducive to sobriety or mental health recovery. However, if I put my recovery first, I am going to be doing things to support my recovery, and those will be good, healthy things. So maybe I lose my job and crash my car - I'm a success today if I don't allow those circumstances to drive me back to drinking or mental illness. If my reaction to life today is constructive, rather than destructive, and even if I didn't finish everything, or not everything went according to plan, and can still consider myself a success this day. 

I've met so many people who've had difficulty in recovery because addiction or mental illness had crushed their idea of what success "should" be. Nobody has to buy in to another's idea of success. When I follow my heart and conscience, that's success to me today. When I do today what brings joy and peace into my life and the lives of others, I am successful today. I don't need to measure up to anybody else's ideas of success.

To start at the top, I do these things: I open myself, my mind, and my heart to life today - this is where I am, right here and right now, and attempting to avoid or escape it only brings me suffering. In prayer, I align my will with my Higher Power's will, and if I am fuzzy on how to do that, I ask for help. I become grateful for the multitude of gifts that I have, which makes me feel good inside, which in turn motivates me to keep moving in a positive direction. I acknowledge my mistakes, and rectify them if I can and/or learn from them - I no longer beat myself up for them. I no longer say, "I should have known better," because obviously I didn't. I endeavor to live life from the inside out, to be of service, and to utilize the gifts and talents that I have. Through this, I see I have the potential to add a lot to life; this doesn't mean that I have to do it all today. I understand that in order to get wherever I'm going, I have to pass through today, so I endeavor to make today satisfying and joyful.

I've been symptom-free from anything for over two months now. Life is challenging, but it has not been a struggle. I do not recall a time in the recent past when I've felt so engaged with life and actually happy to be alive. I am very grateful.

Namasté,

Ken

Learning to Feel Again - Safely

I was a sensitive child. I felt things strongly, but I did not learn how to skillfully deal with the things I felt. In my teens, I learned that alcohol and some prescription drugs would effectively squelch the feelings I felt. If alcohol and drugs still worked, I'd still be using them; however, in my early twenties I began to recognize that my use of alcohol and drugs were causing problems with other people in my life, and, being addicted to people pleasing at that time, I chose to try to quit drinking. That did nothing for the feelings that I did not know how to control (and I never sought help for the way I felt, probably because I felt like the way I felt was 'wrong', and was ashamed of feeling. Now if that's not messed up!). In the early years of attempting sobriety, I turned into a binge drinker - I would stay sober for a period of time until I just couldn't take it any more, and I would drink until I couldn't anymore.

During my dry periods, I did learn methods for avoiding emotions fairly well. I'm a good actor, and I acted as if I had no feelings when I needed to do so.  That had adverse effects - there were times when it seemed I also had no conscience.  I didn't lose my conscience; it simply became subdued along with my feelings. 

Depression can come about due to oppression or suppression of one's expression. I have not been oppressed by anybody or anything (except myself) since I left prison in April of 2002 (and even that type of oppression I invited upon myself). I have, however, continued to suppress and cover up what's really in my heart.  Generalized anxiety disorder - that anxiety that comes about for no other reason than to just be there - also comes from the suppression of emotions.

So, suppression of my emotions leads to depression, emotional death, sickness, and lack of success. I cannot suppress only the feelings I do not like - sadness, hurt, grief - without suppressing the feelings I do like - love, joy, happiness, connection, passion. In order to live a vibrant, abundant life, I need to be able to feel those good-feeling emotions, and, in order to do that, I must learn how to feel and safely deal with those not-so-good feeling feelings.

One might rightfully ask, "How do you have the career you have if you don't feel?" I do feel. I feel empathy and sympathy, and I feel a connection with those who are going through the same things that I am. But I know I don't feel as deeply as I could. I did not lose my job because I'm crappy at it; quite the opposite, I'm very good at it. I lost my job because I failed to show up at work for 3 days without calling in because I was too busy with my suicidal binge. 

So I do feel, but I feel minimally. There are moments, and sometimes days, when I believe I could turn my back on the whole world forever and not regret it one bit. There are times when I feel as if I could disappear, even though I have a great life with lots of people in it who love me.

That's what I want to feel - I cognitively know life is good, but I'm not feeling it, so I'm going to embark on this journey of re-awakening my emotional self and learn to deal with what comes up.  Scary shit, right?

I have work-arounds to help me deal with some feelings, but they don't always work. A work-around is a coping skill that isn't. It's a half-assed measure to avoid or escape what's going on without facing it and dealing with it. Some of my work-arounds for not feeling are avoiding people, places and events that make me feel uncomfortable, and avoiding forming deep relationships with other human beings. I can tell when people and things are getting too close!  I get that urge to escape, and if there's nowhere to escape, I implode. Not fun.

I am fortunate that nowadays I'm associated with some others who are challenged with strong emotions and feelings, and I've learned that there are ways to not only deal with it, but learn to harness the sensitivity and use it in a positive way. The problem is not feeling too much, the problem is, not understanding that there are positive ways of living with feelings and emotions. I have begun the process of re-opening my emotional body and learning to work with it instead of against it. This process is physical, behavioral, mental, spiritual, and, of course, emotional.

I'm getting into this and feeling like I could write a book on it, and I don't want to write a book today, so I'll give a thumbnail sketch:

Physically and behaviorally, I must discover those drugs, foods, and behaviors that I indulge in to assuage my feelings and begin to avoid them, while at the same time experiencing and embracing the feelings I'm trying to avoid (emotionally). Additionally, I've learned a practice called TRE® which allows me to release memories and traumas that are stored in the physical body. There are other methods as well, such as acupressure, acupuncture, various types of yoga, EFT, guided meditation, and others. Exercising regularly, especially aerobic exercise, also helps me stay grounded physically.

Mentally, I can use the skills I learned in CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) to re-frame how I approach feelings on a cognitive level. CBT gives me a chance to stop the automatic thinking and automatic reactions so that I may approach my life in a rational and reasonable way. I can mentally wrap my head around, "I am feeling hurt - I do not need to run from hurt; I can acknowledge it, embrace it and feel it, thank it, and let it go." Thank it? Yes - our feelings tell us our preferences, and if I ignore my feelings, I essentially ignore who I am. Another therapy that I've heard works well for people who are challenged by their feeling is DBT, or Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. I might check that out - it sounds promising. I am also learning to meditate, and there are many, many ways to meditate and tools that help. Meditation helps to ground me mentally and physically, and some forms of meditation allow me to go within to discover what really makes me tick. 

Spiritually and emotionally, I can improve my connection with Spirit through prayer and meditation, and I can also practice forgiveness. It's important for me to understand that those events in the past that caused me to shut down my feelings were not meant to hurt me, but to teach me compassion and understanding. Whoever or whatever hurt me came from their own brokenness. Prayer and meditation grounds me emotionally, helps me to feel safe, and allows me to go back and reclaim parts of myself I have lost over the years. There are also grounding skills that can be learned that allow me to protect myself in a healthy way when I'm in an uncomfortable space as well as allow me to be fully open when I'm in a safe space.

Some of these things I can do on my own, and some I need assistance and support. I'm grateful today that I either have what I need to accomplish my endeavor, or know that it's on its way.

I have the desire and willingness to become fully alive again. I know that I could go the rest of my life the way I am today, but I don't believe life is about waking up, going to work, and dying. I believe today that life is meant to be fully experienced, and the greatest part of that experience is feeling it, even if sometimes the feeling it isn't fun.  I desire to have a passion for living and a love for myself that I'm not yet experiencing; today I know it's possible, and I know what I need to do to get there.

I forgot to mention - how do I start this process? How do I start to feel again? Simply by becoming willing and open and receptive, the Universe will provide me with all I need to start feeling again - the people, places, and situations.

Namasté,

Ken

Lessons from Relapse - Desiring a Better Me

In May of 2015 I was at the lowest point in my life. I didn't have a life - it was all gone - and I had no hope of ever having a life again. So I started working on me.

In previous stabs at recovery, and there have been plenty, I've always desired a better life. We all want a better life - it's the American way! In previous recovery attempts, I would go about piecing my life together again - the job, the car, the apartment, the girlfriend/wife whatever. The problem with that is that I'm bringing the same director (me) to a different situation. We, or at least I, have a tendency to think of our lives in terms of what we have, rather than what or who we are. It really doesn't work that way. Whatever we, or at least I, have in my life ultimately is an outpicturing of what is inside of me. 

Jesus spoke of putting new wine into old wineskins, which doesn't work - the wineskins burst, spilling the wine. This is exactly what Jesus, who taught the Laws of the Universe, was talking about - changing our situation does not change us. If my way of thinking and doing isn't working now, whatever I try bringing into my life to make my life better will soon be lost. If I continually screw up jobs, getting a new job isn't going to help. If I continually screw up relationships, the problem is me, not the women I marry.

So when I got to my lowest point, where I was out of ideas (and money, and a job, and a place to live), I wasn't thinking of Jesus' teachings, I was just alive, and had nothing else to do but work on me.

I did not realize what was happening until after it was happening. I went to treatment, and I listened and talked honestly. I went to therapy, and learned CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) which showed me where my thinking was flawed. I began to take different actions than I did in the past. I began to look at myself and life in different ways than I had in the past. I began to realize what was happening when good things started coming into my life without me going after them as I had in the past. I got a place to live rather than being homeless. I got a job, then I got a decent job, and then I got two even better jobs that I didn't even apply for - all because I was paying attention to what was going on with me, what was happening in my head, and what was coming out of me.

I began to learn to live life from the inside out rather than the outside in. I began to judge my life not by what I had, but by what was going on inside of me. And the outside began looking better pretty much by itself. I of course took the actions I needed to take - paying my rent, paying my bills, going to work - but I was no longer attempting to direct what when on outside of me. I was learning to direct what was going on inside.

So, in order to change my life, which is again nothing more than a mirror of what's going on within, I work on changing me, instead of figuring out how to manipulate what's going on around me. It's actually much simpler.

I used to run my life like a person who drives a car while looking only at the rearview mirror. As you might expect, I had lots of crashes. So I must understand that if I have crashed, or ended up in a place that I really didn't want to be, then I must have had my attention directed to a place that wasn't serving me well.

This relapse has shown me that I still have work to do inside of me. In order to find out what that might be, I will open myself to accepting more help, and more guidance. I will get back to a beginner's mind, so that I can see more possibilities than I saw before.

Each day is a new opportunity to become a more skillful, mindful, conscious person than the person I was yesterday. When I set that as my primary goal, a good life naturally follows.

Namasté,

Ken

My Only Regret

I know I'm not supposed to have regrets. I really don't have any, but from time to time I wish I had been outwardly rebellious as a child. The inward and sideways rebellion I practiced nearly killed me, and it's taking a long time to recover from that. 

When I reached my teens, I wanted to run away. Too chickenshit, maybe, or not enough self-esteem, or maybe it was just my path to sit in my shit. I hated my home, I hated my parents, I hated (most of) my school. Instead of physically running away, I chose to escape chemically, which, of course, ignited the alcoholism within me. Even if I had stayed where I was, but stood up for myself - but that wasn't to be.

I share this because I know there are others out there who have lived or currently live in situations that feel intolerable. A lot of people I know are so pro-family that they would be loyal to their parents even if they were serial killers. Today I believe that sometimes a person just has to call a turd a turd, walk away, and not look back.

I don't know that life would have been better, or that I would have been better. It would have been different, that's for sure. I feel like I spent way more time than was necessary living my life for others - hoping to gain someone's approval. What nobody told me (or what I never heard) was that most of all I needed to gain my own approval. I need to live my own life - trying to live someone else's version of my life just does not work.

And so I do that today. And, because of my experience, I share whatever wisdom I've gained from living the way I did with others. Because I believe depression stems from oppression (either by self or by others), I encourage others to begin to live from who they really are. I let folks know that they're just fine the way they are right now. I meet a lot of people who are thoroughly disappointed in themselves because they've failed to meet the expectations of someone else. I am going to repeat that:

I meet a lot of people who are thoroughly disappointed in themselves because they've failed to meet the expectations of someone else.

And you know what? It's bullshit! We were not created to fulfill anybody else's purpose except our own. We were not created so that someone else could live vicariously through us. We were not created to atone for someone else's self-perceived shortcomings and mistakes. 

I encourage and support anybody discovering and living to their purpose at any age, but I especially let young people know that they are individuals with a unique set of gifts and talents and their own life to explore. If it happens to mesh with someone else's life, awesome. If not, that's fine, too.

I came into recovery, then, with a double-whammy - first, I felt a lot of shame and guilt because I didn't live up to someone else's expectations of me, and second, I feel the shame and regret from wasting my time on earth trying, instead of exploring who Ken is.

It's not easy to switch gears and begin living to one's own purpose. It's challenging, difficult, and sometimes sad. But it's also real, and it's enriching. If there were some sort of camera that could capture the way I felt about myself and my life 40 years ago and the way I feel today, the difference would be amazing. In my mind I see the dark, timid little creature I was 4 decades ago, and today I see the bright colorful being I'm becoming. It's amazing. And if I don't, even today, live up to the standards of a few people, well, too bad. Save your standards for yourself, not me. I've got my own, thanks.

There, I feel better.

Namaste,

Ken

Moving from Competition to Cooperation

I've noticed another great benefit to recovery lately - I no longer have to compare myself to others. Having spent most of my life feeling 'less than' or 'not good enough' and having spent a great deal of energy trying to just appear good enough, this development comes as a great relief. 

I notice it when I run across situations in which I know in the past I would have felt or reacted differently than the way I do today. Yesterday I was made aware of another person in recovery who blogs about recovery, as I do. Her name is Vanessa, and after reading her blog, Free to Be V, I posted it to my Pages I Like page. I like what she has to say about her recovery journey, and she communicates her story well through writing.  Today I encourage anyone to share their authentic life experience. To me, that's a big part of the experience of living - to share with others our own experience.

I haven't always had this attitude. As far as writing goes, I've known how to write well since I was in high school, if not earlier. However, my fear of being judged and my belief that I'm not good enough overrode my love of writing for a really long time. After I quit my first university and went on to my second one, I thought I might join that university's writing club. I went to the first meeting, and I felt totally out of place and unwelcome (looking back on the experience, I'm pretty sure that 50-75% of this feeling, if not 100%, belonged to me and me alone). So I went back 'underground' (way underground) and would write only academic papers. Later on in life, when I had a lot of time to kill (because I was doing time), I began writing fiction. Additionally, I would write love letters for my fellow inmates who found writing difficult. The fiction I wrote during that time is long gone, never to be read by another soul. Perhaps the love letters I wrote made some positive impact. Then, when I went to my third university, I became an English major. I don't know if I failed at that, or just haven't completed my degree. Either way, I guess. I think I just don't school well.

I've admired some literary greats, and then there are some great authors that I can't stand reading. I love Stephen King, not only for his subject matter, but for his ability to touch me deeply through his writing.  I know I can't write like Stephen King; that's Dean Koontz's job. My hope would be to touch others through my writing as deeply as Stephen King has touched me through his writing. Some other people who have touched me through their writing are the late Dr. Wayne Dyer, Richard Bach, Pam Grout, and Eugene Holden, to name just a few.

My aim, however, is not to reach the stature of these authors. My aim in creating and maintaining this blog was very simply to give myself a vehicle to write. As I mentioned a long time ago, I find journaling consistently difficult, because I have a hard time believing it does any good if I'm the only reader. The blog is a safe way to journal out loud and still remain relatively 'safe'; for instance, this version of the blog has 124 posts, and only a handful of comments. If I'm pissing people off, I'm not aware of it, and, if I were, what are they going to do about it? So it's a free, low-risk way for me to practice my craft.

Now my aim has changed slightly. Besides that handful of comments, I have had some face-to-face support from people who read this, and the feedback has been positive. I can also tell about how many people click on each post, when I figure out how to subtract the bots that troll my blog, and I see that I seem to have a steady readership. Most of you are anonymous, which works. So, anyway, my aim has changed a bit because I do recognize that people are reading this, so I do actually try to be a bit helpful. The evidence is that I might actually be helpful to others in helping myself. I know that's the case in other aspects of my life.

And this leads me to the spiritual aspect of today's post. For my recovery, I had to come to believe that I am connected to my higher power and to every other living being. We are One, and I am a part of, or an aspect of, that One. Which means that I'm important, to the extent that I am a piece of the One which helps make the One whole. It also means that you're important. It means that we are each unique individuals that make up this whole complete Thing. And, since we're all unique, and we all have our part to play in this thing, the idea of competition gets knocked out, and cooperation takes its place. What's good for me can't be bad for you, because we're connected and you're actually a part of me. It makes a whole lot more sense to cooperate and collaborate (be supportive of each other) than it does to compare and compete. There doesn't have to be a loser in this life. 

So, all my feeling less-than and not good enough and apart from has no basis in the Truth, because I am me, and there is nobody in creation that can be a better me than I can be. And I can't be a better Stephen King than Stephen King can, and my recovery can be no better (or worse) than Vanessa's. It simply looks different, because we're each unique.

We are all a unique experience of the One, or God, if you like.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it, because I've found this way of living so much easier and so much more rewarding than the way I used to live. My desire for you is that you are enriched and rewarded on your journey too, and I support you in that.

Namaste,

Ken

Are We There Yet?

I recently surpassed 30 months of recovery. It wasn't a milestone that I was looking for; I happened to be in a recovery meeting and simply counted how many months I've been in recovery, and I was surprised - 30 months seems like a long time to me! And, in truth, it is the longest that I've ever been in this kind of recovery. 30 months is a long time, if taken a month at a time. Taken day by day, or even moment by moment, it goes by relatively quickly.

I've heard that recovery/sobriety is a journey, not a destination. It's a neat concept to think about, and perhaps a comforting thought if I'm not where I want to be after 30 days, or 6 months, or 2 years. But what does it really mean? What does it feel like to be on this journey with no visible or even conceptual end? If there isn't a pinnacle, or a finish line, then what is there?

I was chatting with my supervisor the other day (the same one who called me an overachiever for oversleeping), and I happened to mention that what my aim is in recovery is to die from something besides alcoholism or suicide. That's not really the aim of recovery, but a 'successful' recovery from alcoholism/depression ends with a heart attack, or a car accident, or maybe a jealous ex-boyfriend - who knows? So we pretty much know what the destination of this plane of existence is - the transition from this physical plane to the next, whatever that looks like.

But I've lived a destination-oriented life before, and it's not enjoyable. It's filled with disappointment. For me, the disappointment usually came in the form of missing my destination, but sometimes it came in the form of making my destination, and finding out it wasn't the heaven I'd imagined it to be. 

I couldn't wait to get to high school - I'd be a big kid then, and life would be fun. I got to high school. I wasn't a big kid, parts of high school were fun, but for the most part, it sucked. So I couldn't wait to graduate from high school - I had it set up that I was going out of state for college, and I was really looking forward to that! I'd be free, and be rid of my crappy high school and the crappy town in which I grew up, and I could go have fun as a young adult and be on the road to success - life would be great! Well, I had a lot more fun after high school than I did in high school, but after a while, it began to suck as well. I spent the next 20 years looking for just the right physical situation/location where I could be successful and happy. I didn't find it, but, as I began to get tired of searching, I ended up back in Wisconsin, and very, very slowly began to learn that what I was seeking was inside of me, not outside of me. 

I began to learn that God was inside of me, rather than outside, and life was what I chose it to be, not what happened to me. I had a lot of difficulty with the concept that everything I needed was already here, inside, ready and waiting - not because I couldn't grasp it intellectually, but because I felt so rotten on the inside, I didn't believe it applied to me. There was no way I could be goodness and light, because I was such a useless piece of crap.

But the good news is that, by some miracle, I stuck around on this vile, barren, piece of shit rock floating in an empty, barren universe (now if that's not a depressing thought, I don't know what is!) long enough to begin to see some light. The patient and gentle people in my life led me to believe that I might have it all wrong - that my concept of me and my life was light years away from the Truth of my being.

Somewhere along the line, I learned how to 'be in the moment' - to be right here, right now, rather than in the past (depressing) or in the future (fearful and anxious). And do you know what I found in this moment? Nothing. Absolutely nothing! But I found out that nothing was what I've been looking for, and nothing is better than what I had. There was no past and no future, there was only the here and now, and because there is nothing in this moment, there is room for me to make this moment whatever I want it to be.

And that's what the journey is becoming for me - finding out what I can put into each moment to make life a blessed, peaceful, joyous experience. The destination is the next moment. There are 24 hours in this day, 1,440 minutes, 86,400 seconds. And in those 86,400 seconds, there are an infinite number of moments. So I have, each day, at least 86,400 opportunities to find out what I can give or what I can do or how I can show up to create more heaven on Earth. And that is the Truth. My only limit is the present state of my imagination. That's pretty awesome, and it makes the journey something to look forward to rather than something to be endured.

So, fellow traveler, I wish you well on your journey today, and look forward to the moment when our paths collide again.

Namaste,

Ken 

Sowing and Reaping

I had a really good day at work today. I assisted several people over the phone and a few people in person, and I really really felt really useful. On the flip side, there are some days at work where I go in prepared to do my best, and it feels like I haven't helped a soul. Either way I get a paycheck, but I don't go to work for a paycheck.

I used to have jobs that were fairly objectively quantifiable. At the end of the day I could count how many pieces I'd assembled, or how many screens I had repaired, or how many customers I'd helped, or how many calls I received. That was my measure of success - a number in a column.

I've had to change my mindset about what successful is. I've written about this before, but it bears repeating because we live in a culture that is governed by the bottom line. Let me repeat that - we live in a culture that is governed by the bottom line. 'Our' success is determined by numbers - what's your GPA? How many kids do you have? How much do you make? How much is in your 401k? How much did you spend on that engagement ring? How many years have you been married? How many big screen TVs do you own and how many countries have you visited? How many wins versus losses does 'our' team have? And, in recovery, it can be, "How many years have you been clean/sober?"

Bottom lines can be deceptive. People can have lots of money, but their bank balance and McMansion tell me nothing about their character. Not a thing. I've met some folks that have decades of not using drugs or drinking, but I can't stand to be around their attitude. I've worked beside people who produced more work than I did simply because they didn't stop to correct their mistakes. To me, success is not in the numbers anymore - it's not in the output, it's in the input and the process.

So I look at my work today, and my life (of which my work is a huge part), in a more subjective way: how well did I seek to share myself with others? Did I put forth the effort to give what I've been given, whether I felt like it or not, or whether I was tired or busy? Did I seek to add to someone else's life more than I did my own (knowing that my blessings come and I can't add anything to my own life myself)? 

I felt I had a really good day at work today simply because that's how I interpreted it, and, in a couple of cases, I received feedback that said I was really helpful. I may actually be that way every day - that's my aim, to be of maximum service - but some days I'm not feeling it.

At my job at the halfway house, I call it a good day if nobody died and the house didn't burn down. So far, I've been very successful at that job, though there have been a couple close calls 😉 (I forget that I can do emojis here, and I can also post pictures. I'm planning on doing that to make life more interesting). At any rate, at the halfway house, my job is to not only keep the residents safe, but also to model recovery in whatever way I can. Keeping the residents safe is the easy part. However, in order to do my job, I have to always be 'in recovery,' and I find that helpful to me. I hope the residents benefit from that.

As I mentioned, my definition of success has changed so that I can experience success today, and others can benefit from my success. It's called a win-win. Today I like to think of the work I do as a sower - I sow ideas and actions that uplift and encourage people, and hopefully ease suffering. Once in a while I help save an actual life. But most of the time, I don't get to know the outcome of my sowing. I have to trust. I have to trust that the love I put forth into the world lands somewhere and does some good somehow. Was today a day in which I reaped (reapt?) what I sowed? I really don't think so. I think today was one of those so-far infrequent days when my Chief Judge and my Soul were on the same page. I think I reap in more subtle ways - another day that I didn't have to drink or use, and I wasn't obsessed with figuring out the best way to die. That right there is gold for me. I also get to reap peace of mind, a feeling of security, and people in my life that are the best people on earth. And, sometimes, I get to feel useful.

None of that stuff can you quantify on an Excel spreadsheet, and today, I'm ok with that.

Namaste,

Ken

Holding on Loosely

I don't claim to know what's best for anybody, myself included. I do, however, often think I know what's best - I just try not to claim it because I know that I really don't know. That's my lame disclaimer.

As many of my 3 readers know, I've been taking stabs at recovery for over three decades. Perhaps the biggest obstacle to my long-term success has been my denial that in addition to alcoholism, I also live with what is called Major Depressive Disorder. However, my spiritual teachings and experience have led me to always look for the deeper meaning. What is beneath the alcoholism? What is beneath the depression? What is beneath the denial? For instance, many of us in recovery believe that alcoholism has very little to do with drinking alcohol, and very much to do with what was beneath our drinking - what causes us to value the use and effects of alcohol more than we value our family, our jobs, our possessions, our freedom, and, ultimately, our lives? Until we come to some understanding of causes and conditions, we can't really hope for long-term or contented sobriety. Yes, we have a physical allergy to alcohol; but if that were all we had, our problem would be solved by abstaining from alcohol. But it's not - we also have the mental obsession that, if left untreated, guarantees we will drink again.

I did not find the recovery I enjoy today until I was able to 'let go absolutely.' What that looked like at the time was really simply that I just stopped giving a rat's ass about how my life was going to turn out. I gave up. So I took what came my way as far as resources and help and I gave it my best shot. And I did not have any expectations that anything would work. This isn't to say that I believed it wouldn't work; I had simply released any expectations as to the outcome of my efforts.

And the result of this Method of Operation, if you will, is that I have a great life that I know I couldn't have planned.

I've written this before, but it bears repeating. I still have an ego; my decisions aren't as much informed by it as they used to be, but it's still there. And one of the traits of the ego, since egos are fear-based, is that it likes to know what's going on. It likes to plan, to insure its survival. Basically, my ego takes this particular lifetime way, way too seriously, because it doesn't believe in eternal life. My ego believes life is limited.

I, on the other hand, have begun to believe in unlimited, infinite life, and so I have a different view of this experience called 'My Life' than my ego has. And with my new view, I don't have to make sure everything will be ok and I'll be safe and protected. I already know that it is. Everything is already ok, no matter what the appearances are. And so my daily endeavor has gone from making sure Ken is ok (and all the things it takes to make that happen) to making sure that my consciousness stays in alignment with the Infinite. In some recovery programs, this is called knowing what God's will for me is today, and knowing that that is all I need to be concerned about.

I am very fortunate that I work with people in early recovery. What happens when I talk with these men is that simple stuff comes out of my mouth that they can use. This is what I heard come out of my mouth today, and it's a phrase that I believe encompasses the concept of holding on loosely: "I don't need to know today exactly where I'm going; I just need to make sure that I'm pointed in the right direction."

Here is a very concrete example of this concept: Say I want to go to California from here. I have a car, but I don't have GPS, I only have a compass. I know that California is generally WSW from here, and so I head out, in my car, going in a generally WSW destination. Because roads are the way they are, I know I won't be able to take a straight shot to California; however, if I head in that general direction overall, I'll arrive. And the bonus is that along the way I can enjoy the journey, because I haven't plotted out a specific path that I must take. Along the way I run into towns and rivers and mountains and prairies that I hadn't planned on visiting, but there they are! And my trip to California becomes an adventure, because I took it, I didn't plan it.

That's what I've been doing the past couple of years, and it seems to be working. Thanks for reading!

Namaste,

Ken

An Idea Whose Time Has Come

I used to have as low a level of self-esteem as I think one can have and still maintain life. When I realized what self-esteem was, and when I realized I lacked it, I went in search for it. [cue "Lookin' for Love in All the Wrong Places" (Mickey Gilley)].

I thought I had found it in a bottle. It didn't last. I thought I had found it in sex. Again, it wasn't real and it didn't last. I found it in new jobs, and it wore off along with the honeymoon period. I once had a hefty sum of money - didn't do it for me (maybe because the money wasn't mine?). I looked for it in prescription medication. I looked for it everywhere, including not drinking. I went to counseling - lots of it. I successfully completed parole - felt good, but the feeling didn't last. I love playing piano, but if that actually gave me self-esteem, I'd be practicing a lot more than I do. Same with writing. Same with education - 168 college credits, and debt I'm still paying today, with no degree, no self-esteem.

When I wasn't trying to gain self-esteem through the various methods listed above, I covered up my lack of it through false pride and arrogance. God, I used to know it all, and I let people know I knew it all too. The problem (or maybe the good thing) is that that, too, didn't work forever. 

Three years ago, when I ran my own business, I remember realizing, for the first time in my life, that I could support myself. I had the skills necessary to do that. It was really nice to realize that. I don't think I realized it deep enough at the time, or perhaps that was just a taste of what was to come.

When I began my recovery, I knew that I would have to be true to myself, and I knew that I had to learn how and then take responsibility for my life. Actually, I knew this stuff in my head a long time ago, but 2-1/2 years ago, I really knew it deep down - enough to begin to take action. So when I was discharged from Genesis House and got a room on my own, I endeavored to make my top priority (regarding my finances) my rent and paying back money to my friends and former customers. I began living within my means. After a relatively short time of living within my means, and starting to really take responsibility for this life, I began to notice a strange new feeling emerge. It was a good feeling, but it wasn't euphoria. It was kind of a motivating feeling, almost like pride, but not quite. I felt good about myself and the way I was living. I felt more 'solid'. I did not know what this feeling was, and at alumni group one evening at Genesis I reported this feeling and wondered if anybody could help me name it. The counselor said, "It's called self-esteem." Wow.

Self-esteem has it's levels - it's not an on/off thing - it fluctuates. But I've been noticing some things over the past year happening to through me that I didn't ask for specifically. I began valuing the people in my life, and people in general, a lot more than I used to. I began respecting my jobs - meaning that I came to work prepared, and I wasn't just there to put in my 8 hours. I began to become interested in ethics and boundaries, and began following them, even when I was tempted not to. Weird stuff like that. I used to be honest and ethical when it suited me, or when I had nothing better to do. Now I do it all the time the majority of the time.

In the process, somewhere along the line, I began to really value my gifts, and value myself as a human being. Again, it used to be that if I received a compliment for something I had done or for a particular trait, I passed it off. Either the person giving the compliment was crazy and didn't know what they were talking about, or I felt inside that I had fooled them, or maybe they were just being nice. Nothing that was ever said good about me was real. Now it it's becoming real. 

Today for work I went to a meeting in Janesville with others who are engaged in the kind of work we do at work. (That's actually less cumbersome than trying to explain the whole thing in detail). I gave a 30 minute presentation on "The Role of the Certified Peer Specialist [that's me 😊] in the PATH Program." It went well. But I came away from today really really feeling like I belong in what I'm doing. I did not feel fake, I did not feel arrogant, I did not feel untrue to myself. I felt that solid feeling inside that comes from doing what is mine to do, and knowing that I have inside of me what I need. More self-esteem. 

And since true self-esteem does not come from doing harm to others, or from trying to make myself big, it is lasting, and it increases. The more I operate from my True Self, the more I operate from my True Self. Make sense?

So today's topic/point is not self-esteem - self-esteem is the example. Today's topic is "Everything in my life (and creation) begins with a thought." However, since I've been writing a long time, I'll make this quick.

Decades ago, I realized I had no self-esteem, and thought to myself, "I gotta get me some of that shit." (I used to be a lot cruder). And I held onto that thought - I didn't let it go. At some level, it was always with me, and though I sought after self-esteem very unskillfully, I began to arrive there. When we have a deep desire for something, it gets fulfilled. That's the way the Universe works. We live in a 'Yes' Universe. After a while, hopefully, we become a bit better skilled at requesting things, and at receiving. Really, 30 years ago, I didn't even know what I was asking for. 

Another Truth of the Universe (and the Wizard of Oz) is that everything we seek is already within us. I was born with self-esteem, because when we're born, we know where we come from. I un-learned self-esteem pretty early on, and it was a long and circuitous journey to get back to even the outer borders of it. I feel like I've entered a new country.

Seek and ye shall find; knock, and the door shall be opened unto you [attributed to Jesus]. Doesn't necessarily mean today, but it's there. 

Enjoy the journey!

Namaste,

Ken

Designed for Success

An affirmation I learned while I was affiliated with Unity goes, "I am God's enterprise, and God doesn't fail."  It's kind of catchy, but I didn't take it to heart - it required more faith than I had at the time.

As many of my readers (3 or 4, at least) know, I recently took the plunge again (God no, not marriage!) and enrolled in school. I was getting cold feet toward the start of classes. I went to orientation, and one of my instructors explained how the blended options program in which I'm enrolled works.

A few days later, I realized that the program is designed for the student's success - why would a school set students up for failure? And then I realized that my idea of school is much like the old TV series with John Houseman called The Paper Chase. In it, John Houseman played a crusty old law professor (and he played it well), whose aim seemed to be to make it really, really difficult for his students to succeed. That was my belief, that schools make it really hard to do well. Of course, that doesn't make sense, but beliefs that run in our subconscious don't need to make sense.

Back to now. I realized, then, that all I have to do is follow directions, follow the program. I can do that! The only thing stopping me is me! 

When I go on long bike rides, my head often tells me I can't do it. It's too hard. I won't make it. When that happens, I switch to what I call physical mode - I know all that I have to do is keep my legs moving, and so that's all I do - I concentrate on the movement of my legs. And this is the truth - if I didn't have a mind that makes up excuses and runs off of doubt and self-centered fear, I could do a lot more - maybe anything!

So, as I began to think about all I've heard and read and learned, I realized that the human being is designed for success. The reason we don't experience unbridled success is we've created something called doubt and fear. All of the 'what if's' and 'I don't know if I can's' distract us from focusing on success.

When doubt comes about my ability to successfully complete school, I tell myself, all I have to do is follow the plan. What would happen if I used that same psychology or philosophy in every area of my life? That I am designed for success, and any thought that comes along that is contrary to this idea should be discarded immediately.

I might have mentioned this once or twice before in some of my posts, but most of my life I have felt and believed myself to be less-than, to be not good enough, and to be incapable of success. That's just Ken. But who says? I haven't found anybody in recent times that has told me I can't do something, that I'm incapable, that I'm not good enough. So I think it's time to discard the old Ken suit, and put on a new one. According to many faiths, I am the spitting image of my Creator, which means that I automatically have all the attributes of my Creator - just like I cannot deny the fact that I am my father's son, because I look just like him (I used to think I was adopted. No such luck).

One really good way to see the best in myself is to see the best in others. And I am practicing that (note the word practicing). When we uplift and encourage others, we uplift and encourage ourselves. Jesus claimed that to be the Truth when He said, "Seek, and you will find." A better way to understand that in our vernacular might be "Whatever you look for is what you're going to get." If I look for sickness and failure, I'll surely find it. And if I look for courage, strength, health, creativity, success, in others, and myself, I will surely find that as well.

Today I commit to setting aside doubtful, fearful thinking, and replacing it with visions of success in whatever I do. 

Namaste,

Ken

The Lessons I Learn

Part of the process of becoming awake and aware involves recognizing the peculiar occurrence of showing up somewhere for one thing and realizing we're there for another reason.

That happened to me today, and I think I got two lessons for the price of one. First Lesson:  In a group setting, doing a group activity, i knew i was right, and I became a bit pushy, if not overbearing, in trying to explain why i had the solution. I hurt someone's feelings, retracted my pushiness and apologized. The first lesson? I'm in competition with nobody. No one. Nada. Growing spiritually is about cooperation. Learning teamwork. Finding out what I have to contribute to the whole. Being a Spiritual Being having a human experience, I no longer have to compete. There's nothing to win. More importantly, I don't have to prove my mousey worth. There's nothing to prove - am I right, am I better than - doesn't matter. In the realm of Spirit, there is no 'better than' - there just Is. Period.

On to the Second Lesson: I've been doing a lot of educational stuff lately. Today I just finished my Certified Peer Specialist training, and I started some post-secondary education last week. This time around in my educational endeavors, I'm trying to actually learn something rather than just test well. I already know how to test well. Learning is something at which I'm relatively new. I'm pursuing (perhaps not an accurate word to use) my associate degree in Human Services. I'm going to be in this gig for a while, it looks like, so I want some paper to show that I actually do know what I'm doing, and I will fully participate in the experience. That's why I think I'm there. 

However, that's not exactly it. I was at school in a group discussion when I experienced the first lesson mentioned above. And after I got to thinking about that, and the grades I've received so far (we've had about 10 assignments already), I realized I'm not there just to get some letters after my name. 

First, about the grades - everything's been perfect so far. If you know anything about alcoholics and addicts, you'll know that most of us are creative, intelligent, and over-achievers (although by the time we're in our full-blown addiction, we're not achieving too much anymore). We're over-achievers because most of us don't really have the capacity to appreciate our gifts, and we think we have to do way better than average just to hit 'okay'. So, because part of me is still an overachiever (that's hard to say, because it still doesn't feel like it), and because I have tons of experience in the human services field already (my experience has been receiving rather than giving), my work has been exemplary and way above average, at least according to my instructors.

The person whose feelings I hurt tonight is young enough to be my grandchild. In an effort to show how ____ing smart I am, I (unintentionally) behaved in the manner of an arrogant prick. I knew it right away, and I'm grateful for that it didn't take me long to realize it. So, after I apologized (and I'll have to make amends in the future by not showing up like an arrogant prick), I got to thinking to myself, "What am I here for if not to show everyone how filled with wisdom and experience I am?" (And please remember one person's wisdom and experience can be another person's bullshit). 

I am there, like I am anywhere, to be the Love of Spirit in action, , in the flesh, and to be of maximum service to others. The class already has an instructor, and it's a small class, so it doesn't need another instructor. Among the other students I am to be a peer. This does not mean that I have to 'dumb down'. What it does mean is I have to stifle my urge to show everyone how great I am (God already knows, and that's all that matters), and to do this: Use my experience and knowledge while learning how myself to transfer it to others in a way that is palatable to them. In other, much simpler words, share my experience with others so that they, too, might learn from it. Nobody, I think, likes a lesson crammed down their throat. I know I never appreciated it. Teach like a Ninja - don't let them know what's going on until it's done. Use my cleverness to make friends rather than enemies.

I really am grateful to be here learning what I'm learning and doing what I'm doing. I really am grateful today for all the wonderful gifts I've been given, and for the opportunity to enjoy them and share them with others. Sometimes the experience is painful - it really does hurt me to hurt someone - but I don't seem to suffer like I used to.

So there you have it.

Namaste,

Ken

A Great Discovery

If I haven't done so already, in this post I will expose myself as being a little slow on the uptake...

I always like finding stuff that works for me. It's fun. It's useful. Discovery is a big part of recovery.

I'm enrolled this fall at WCTC to begin the journey of earning an associate degree in Human Services. Even though I've engaged in tons of post-secondary education, I haven't yet experienced what I'm about to experience. I'll be in the 'Blended Options' program, meaning the coursework will be mainly online done with the same group of people over the next two years. We'll meet once a week in person. 

It sounds like this endeavor will require lots of dedication and discipline - Yikes! So, I have experienced a great deal of anxiety over the past couple of weeks - can I do this? Can I not? (that doesn't make sense - of course I can't if I don't want to). As you may have already surmised, a lot of anxiety isn't the best thing for my mental health or my sobriety. But I've been trudging forward anyway, despite feeling like I want to escape.

Class has already started. It doesn't officially start until next week, but we've been doing preliminary assignments, which only added to my anxiety. I made the Great Discovery today as I completed the final preliminary assignment.

The final assignment was to write a 350 word blurb (a little short for an essay) about what I would need to do to prepare myself for this adventure. So, I took some time to sit down and write it out. Here's the Great Discovery: When I got done writing down what I would need to do to prepare myself for success, I realized that I had written a plan of action that will work and I realized that I will succeed. And my anxiety left, or at least turned into excitement.

So here's why this is such a great discovery and why it exposes me as not the sharpest tool in my father's shed: When I write with purpose, what comes out is better than what I am. It's as though I have my own little prophet inside of me. I've known for almost my whole life that excellent written communication is a gift of mine - perhaps my greatest gift in this lifetime. However, I've hardly used this gift for anything really useful. I've been using it more and more - this blog, I believe, is a big part of my recovery. Although I don't always live up to what I write, I know that I have it in me, because I know that what I am writing is the Truth (for me, at least). It comes from deep within me. So I know it's there. I can't claim to be a useless piece of shit if I've got this goldmine inside of me - I can only claim that some days I don't put on my little miner's hat and go mine the stuff.

So the gift is that if I have something that I want to do in my life and I don't know how I'm ever going to accomplish it, sit down and write it down.

There ya have it - it's there - use it!

Namaste,

Ken

Out on a Limb

I may have written about this before. I've been here before, sort of, so it's not necessarily new, but it still is amazing to me.

Twenty-one months or so ago, I gave up. I quit. I surrendered. My diseases had won - I was unable to function at any useful level. I was sick in body, mind, and spirit, and I was an abject failure - bankrupt in every sense of the word. So I agreed to do what was suggested to me. Why not? I had absolutely nothing left to lose.

In my previous attempts at recovery, and there have been many, I did what was suggested, if I felt it was a good idea, if it was in line with my thinking, and if it was convenient and did not impinge too much on my sense of self. Over the years, because of the negative consequences of my disorders, I became more and more willing to do more and more to recover. What I never, ever gave up before was my control over my life. Yes, I had consultants, and I even had a higher power that I consulted from time to time, but, in the end, I made choices based on what I felt was best for me, and, for me back then, the best I could do was protect myself. Above all else, my view of who I was and what I was about, no matter how flawed I was, must be protected, and any idea that threatened that protection was discarded.

When I began what I now call Total Recovery, I did not care anymore. I didn't care about living. I felt that I would never be able to live on my own, and I felt I would never be able to hold a job or do anything productive. I was so empty that I couldn't even commit a crime that would have landed me in prison, which would have been a good place for someone like me. I had nothing left inside. And, in order for me to recover, that's exactly where I needed to be.

"Freedom's just another word for nothin' left to lose." (Janis Joplin).  I adopted an attitude of non-resistance, which I wrote about in an earlier post. I was able to release judgment about my life and what was happening to me. I was homeless, jobless, in IOP (intensive outpatient treatment), and I neither liked nor disliked any of it. It just was. From that non-resistance grew acceptance, and I felt a glimmer of hope - life was happening, and I was still ok. Lots of other things began to happen, which I won't detail right now. The point is that my life was moving in a direction, and I wasn't resisting it at all.

Soon I found myself experiencing things that I had not experienced before in my life. Four months into my recovery, I became self-supporting and began to learn how to be responsible for my life. This was something that was new to me, and potentially scary. But I continued to allow myself to be led.

And that's what I mean by being out on a limb. I'm experiencing things in my life that I've never experienced before, at least not in the way that I'm experiencing them. I'm embracing life, instead of trying to escape life. I feel more whole and authentic than I've ever felt before, but I keep expanding and moving forward. I'm finding out who I am.

And the point, for me, of being out on a limb is two-fold: I must rely upon my Higher Power, because I'm in uncharted territory; additionally, the past 21 months of Total Recovery give me faith and courage to keep going in the direction that I'm headed.

I've still got things to let go of - old thought patterns, beliefs, and habits which no longer serve me. But I look at it differently today - I look at it as an adventure. And I've still got nothin' left to lose. 

Namaste,

Ken