My Life Matters

Well, duh, right? Doesn't that go without saying? Of course my life matters...doesn't it?

Most of my life, I have felt that my life did not matter. I felt that if I had suddenly dropped off the face of the earth, not much, if anything, would change, and not too many people, if any, would notice. 

And I often behaved the way I felt. Countless times I've put myself in dangerous situations. I have drank and used drugs recklessly, spent money recklessly (whether it was mine to spend or not), and for the most part, behaved in a way that showed I just didn't give a damn. I have had great opportunities for growth and for satisfactory living and tossed them aside, seemingly without a care. I have done things that I knew would attract less-than-pleasant situations into my life. I know full well the meaning of 'throwing caution to the wind.'

I've met people who were suffering from depression, and when thoughts of suicide entered their heads, they sought help. I never understood that. I used to think that my thoughts of suicide were, in my case, quite rational, and my only problem was that I didn't have the guts to follow through.

So that's the reason for this post: My attitude has changed. My definition of a miracle is anytime my attitude changes for the better. Changing the course of the Colorado River through the Grand Canyon seems to be an easier endeavor than changing my belief, thoughts, and attitudes.

I'm not important, but my life is. I don't know if that's a paradox or not, but that's my attitude today. What it means is that I need nothing special today because I already have everything I need. However, I do have something special to give - my own experience. Over the past few years, and especially the past year-and-a-half, I have allowed 'life' to steer me instead of me steering life. So, instead of placing myself in dangerous, self-destructive positions, 'life' has placed me in situations where I can be of service to others. I am meeting people I never would have dreamed of meeting. I am doing (good) things I never would have dreamed of doing. I am touching other human lives every day in positive ways. And I am willing to continue on this way indefinitely. I no longer look forward to the time when this will all end.

How did this 180° shift occur? Not overnight, that's for sure. It began with one small shift in attitude. If you've read previous posts, you might remember that I've had a belief my entire life that I don't know how to live properly and I can't handle life. I'm basically inept. That belief still resides within me today, and the shift is this: I used to try through various means to cover up the fact that I couldn't handle life (that may be another whole post, if I haven't written it already), and when I felt I could no longer cover up my deficiency, I sought escape through alcohol and other means. 

A little over a year ago, I changed my tack. A little over a year ago, I hit a bottom, and was faced once again with the fact that I have absolutely no idea how to live. My options had run out. But there were a lot of people around me who were willing to guide me, and I began to take their direction with an open mind. Well, to be honest, at first the mind wasn't really open, it was more like, "It couldn't get any worse, so maybe it'll get better." When I began experiencing positive results inside of me, I knew something was happening. Most importantly, I knew I wasn't the cause. I was (and still am) allowing Something (God, Source, Life, Universe, First Cause, Whatever) to work through me. I was going with the process. I was trusting. I no longer had to come up with my own solutions (or work-arounds). I simply gave up control over my life. Under New Management. I surrendered. And it's important for my recovery to stay surrendered.

I remember joking that I quit self-employment because the boss was a real asshole. That's actually no joke. And the guy running my life would get lost in a closet.

It's really a big paradox. I've had a lot of head-scratchers over the past year or so, but it seems to come down to this - when I let go of the rudder. the boat that is my life seems to travel a lot better.

And today I can positively say my life matters, and that is truly a miracle.

Namaste,

Ken