Anatomy of a Save

I experienced a textbook save the other morning, and I thought I might share it. A 'save' is anytime my thinking is getting shitty (hence the term stinkin' thinkin'), and something happens or I do something to turn it around and get my head back in recovery. 

This particular morning I was feeling sort of tired and part of me didn't want to go to work. The day before I got a little too much sun, and I was feeling it. I went in anyway, and began my advertising/blessing 'work'. Some days I experience an almost total lack of ambition, and today was one of those days. I started my work, and I was blessing drivers as they passed, hoping to get into the spirit of it. It wasn't really happening, and during gaps in traffic, my mind was turning to the stimulus check that is supposed to be in the mail.

I have good plans for that check when it comes when I'm in my right mind. My thoughts that day were not coming from my right mind - they were coming from an alcoholic mind. I was thinking about taking that check and having one big, final party. No, that's not rational thinking, but rational thinking doesn't go with alcoholism, and at that point, my mind was definitely alcoholic, even though I had had nothing to drink.

And I was suffering, switching back and forth between blessing others and stinkin' thinkin'. I was really trying to get my thinking back on the right track, and it wasn't working.

A recovery text I use says that at times, the sober alcoholic has no mental defense against the first drink - that this defense must come from a Higher Power. About a 1/2 hour into work, my sponsor (recovery trainer, spiritual mentor, etc.) rolled up on his way to work. He lives about a 1/4 mile away, but this is the first time he's stopped by while I'm working to say hi. I stopped what I was doing to talk with him. He asked how I was doing and I said, "Fine," because that's my automatic response. Then I said, "Wait a minute, I'm not fine," and I talked to him about what I was struggling with.

It is not easy for me to talk about my thinking when I'm struggling. When I'm down in any kind of stinkin' thinkin' (fear, self-pity, resentment), I know my thoughts make sense only to me - but they still make sense. And what is worse is that I think I can think myself back on to the right side of the street. Sometimes I can, if I only meet the unwanted thinking at the door; but sometimes, I invite the thinking inside and begin entertaining it. Bad news! And I don't want to share what's going on with anyone, because they'll think (know) that I'm crazy, or think I'm stupid or bad for possessing such thinking. The truth is that I'm the only one who ever judges me as crazy, bad, or stupid (at least that I'm aware of). So I was very grateful when I told my sponsor the truth of what was going on.

And it was ok. He did laugh, but he didn't call me crazy, stupid, or bad. He understood, and he empathized. He said it won't always be that way - my thinking won't always revert to alcoholic thinking when (relatively) large sums of money come my way or something else happens. And by talking to my sponsor - someone who is understanding - I was allowing Light to be shed on my darkness, and the darkness dissipated. And that's what made this a save - I was able to return to my job with my mind freed from obsession, and my enthusiasm for what I was doing - what was in front of me - returned.

Earlier I mentioned that sometimes nothing but my Higher Power can keep me from drinking, or from the obsessive thinking that will lead me to drinking or worse. Because my connection with Spirit wasn't totally broken (I had prayed earlier that morning, and I was attempting to be a blessing to those around me), Spirit intervened by sending my sponsor by to say hello. And I want to emphasize that it was totally my choice whether to recognize that God had thrown me a life preserver or to ignore it and continue to try to wrestle with my darkness on my own. And I thanked my sponsor then and later, letting him know that his intervention really did make my day.

So that's the anatomy of a save:

• Greet unwanted thought at the door of my consciousness;
• Take the chain off the door and invite the unwanted thought into my consciousness;
• Entertain the unwanted thought until it becomes unwanted thinking (obsession);
• Try on my own to kick the obsession out - struggle with it and suffer;
• Call on my Higher Power to remove the obsession (or at least be open to a solution);
• Recognize and be willing to utilize the solution when it appears.

God continues to watch over me, but I must continue to allow Him to do His healing work by becoming willing, open, and vulnerable and standing out of the way.

Namasté,

Ken

Lessons from Relapse - Faith in a Higher Power

This is actually an addendum to the last post, and I apologize if I led anybody to believe that I pull myself up by my own bootstraps - I do not. My strength comes from at least knowing, and sometimes feeling, that I am loved, led, and supported by something greater than me. If I felt I had to do life, much less recovery, alone, I would not make it.

For me, and a lot of people in recovery, a benevolent, loving Power Greater than ourselves is an essential component of recovery. How does one get a Higher Power if one doesn't have one? The best way that I found to connect with my Higher Power was to stop resisting life. At a very early point in my recovery, I began practicing non-resistance, which is close to acceptance, but not quite. I simply stopped judging what life was handing me, and stopped trying to avoid or escape it. I began to learn to deal with it. 

And what I found when I did that was that the formerly 'bad' stuff that I would have avoided actually turned out to be good for me when I faced it with dignity and grace, and humility. Somewhere along the line, I began to realize that Life was my Higher Power, and it made sense to me, as God or the Universe created life. Doh! So the stuff that Life hands me is actually good for me, no matter what my perception of it is.

So, after relapse and getting back into recovery, I have to get back to that mind set that 'it's all good'.

One way to connect to a Higher Power is through a connection with loving, supportive people who have the kind of character or attributes one desires. Another way is to find a group of people that generate a feeling of safety and love and that seem to give one energy. Some folks connect through nature, either in solitude or with others.

I'll keep this short. I love getting into the nitty-gritty of spirituality, but one doesn't need a Doctorate of Divinity degree to access their Higher Power. One simply needs to be open and willing, and observant to see what happens.

Namasté,

Ken

How Long or How Many?

Something that bothers me from time to time is the habit of measuring sobriety or abstinence by time. Very often one hears, "I've got 90 days!" or "I've got a year!" I know people in recovery that haven't had a drink or a mood altering drug in over 40 years. Length of abstinence is important - it shows others that recovery is possible, and it shows a certain amount of character. 

I mentioned that I know people who have managed to remain abstinent for decades. A few of those people I would not want to be with in the same room - they're toxic. Length of sobriety is not the same as quality of sobriety (or quality of life); however, up until now, because I've never been able to string more than a couple of years of abstinence together, I haven't had much to say about it. I do now, because I understand recovery is about learning to live from the inside out.

Length of sobriety is important to people just starting out, and important to all the other people in the alcoholic's/addict's life. Length of sobriety is important to one's parole officer, boss, domestic partner, family, and any non-alcoholic/addict with whom I share my sobriety. But because the time away from mood-altering drugs is only a very small factor in how I'm really doing, it's not important to me.

Here is a short list of some things I ask myself about my recovery, and the questions, rather than starting with "How long," begin with "How many."

• How many opportunities have I taken to share my story with someone else contemplating sobriety?
• How many times have I admitted I was wrong?
• How many times have I told the truth when what I really wanted to do was cover up my actions or my embarrassment?
• How many times have I attended support groups to share recovery with others?
• How many times have I said, "I don't know," when I didn't know?
• How many times have I picked up someone else's litter without complaint?
• How many times have I done the right thing, even though it was harder and more scary than doing what first came to mind?
• How many times have I wanted to give up, but instead called someone, or prayed, or simply persevered?
• How many times have I set aside my wants to be of service?
• How many times have I paid an obligation before buying something I wanted?
• How many times have I taken constructive criticism without becoming angry or resentful?
• How many jobs have I had since I got sober? How many girlfriends/boyfriends? Cars? Apartments or rooms?
• How many times have I dared to travel the road less traveled?
• How many times have I spoken up about something important, even though it might make me unpopular?
• How many times did I do what my mentors suggested, even though I didn't believe it would work?
• How many times did I seek out people rather than isolate?
• How many times have I given someone the benefit of the doubt when I thought they had wronged me?
• How many times have I prayed for people I really can't stand?
• How many times have I attempted to make an honest connection with another human being?

And the list can actually go on and on and on. 

How long has it been since I had a drink of alcohol? 33 months and a couple of days, which is the longest stream of continuous sobriety I've experienced. That's great, wonderful, but the really miraculous part of that time is how many of those 'how many' questions I can answer positively. 

I've already gotten through all of the hard days in my life, and I've survived! So the hardest day of my sobriety, and the only one that matters to me, is today. If I apply what I've learned along this journey, it'll be a great day. If I don't, and just stay home and do nothing, who knows?

Namasté, 

Ken

This Is Not A Post About Voting

It is a post about what mental illness feels like sometimes. And, in this case, just mental weirdness, because the thoughts and anxiety did not adversely effect my life, they just made me uncomfortable. But, discomfort is often the precursor of growth, I've found, so maybe I grew a little tonight.

I voted tonight. We had a primary election for state supreme court and municipal judgeship. Not a big deal, perhaps, but it was an ordeal for me! 

I don't know that I've ever voted twice in the same location. I've moved around quite a bit, I suppose. So, I'm in my new location, and I have to find the polling place. I did my research last night, and found it - about 300 feet from where I live. But, I'm anxious. I know I'll have to re-register, or change my address, and something about that - something about being examined - puts me on edge. 

So, I go to vote, and find out it's not my polling place. It 'should' be my polling place, I'm thinking, because it's only 300 feet from where I live! Already I'm anxious, and now I'm getting frustrated. 2 of the ladies there kept asking me my name and address, even after I'd already told them that they wouldn't find it in their books because I was nowhere near my last polling place and apparently nowhere near my current one. A third lady is very helpful, looking up my current address in the master book to help me find the correct polling place. Inside I'm twisting, but on the outside I'm very calm and appreciative. I thank the kind lady and let her know I appreciate her help. (The more frustrated I am, the better I thank people - doing the opposite of what I feel has become a pretty good habit).

I go the whole 300 feet home, and look on my computer to verify the information the nice lady at the polling place gave me. The first website I go to isn't working right, and the other site is lunky and doesn't seem to be user friendly (not this user, anyway, in that moment). I feel like giving up. Again, take a deep breath, and do the opposite. I want to text my landlady because she's a poll worker, and, seeing as she lives below me, she probably knows where I should go. But I don't. I drive to the location (maybe a whole mile away, as the crow flies) to vote.

I did have to re-register, and fill out the government form, and make sure my i's were dotted and t's crossed. Very fortunately, I was at ease again, because my landlady helped me fill out the form. Then things got a bit tense again, as I presented my ID to another lady, and signed the register and got my ballot. I finally voted, and had to ask which way the ballot goes into the machine. Fortunately, it goes in any which way. They know with whom they're dealing. So, that dreadful task is done, but I'm drained because of all of the energy spent on being anxious. But I got through it, and knew that I felt better than if I'd given up and not voted.

I am believing more and more today that every feeling of discomfort - emotional, mental, or physical, has something to tell me. Now, this isn't about getting through a mental health crisis. Nobody needed to be called; I wasn't a risk to myself or others (unless you think I voted for the wrong people). But I got the message that there is something within me that could use some examination (notice I didn't say there's something 'wrong' with me). Here are what I came up with as the possible causes for this little bit of anxiety:

• Fear of rejection, or worse, fear of getting laughed at or yelled at.
• The feeling that I still have that I'm always somehow 'wrong', and this was a brilliant opportunity to let someone point it out to me.
• Closely related, the feeling that I'm somehow 'illegitimate' because of the life I've lived. People like me who have been to prison and/or been homeless feel that way. (By the way, felons in Wisconsin can vote if they are discharged from parole, and I've been off of parole for about 15 years). Vagrancy isn't all that far behind me where I can feel comfortable with who I am doing what I'm doing 100% of the time.
• Hyper-concern for self, which is one of the symptoms of alcoholism, and I think goes hand-in-hand with most mental illness.

So what's a fellow to do? Please note here that I am speaking for myself; I no longer suffer a lot of symptoms, so when I do, it's noteworthy. Some people deal with this stuff day in and day out. But anxiety is anxiety, and if left untreated, leads to worse things, like depression and even return to substance use. 

I know what isn't best for me when I feel this way - it's not in my best interest to medicate the anxiety; it's not in my best interest to run from it; it's not in my best interest to wish I didn't have it and kick myself around for being 'less-than.'

What is best for me to do:

• As I mentioned above, treat it as an opportunity - an opportunity to learn from my mind and my body, and an opportunity to grow, and to gain experience (again, it's not about the voting!).
• Mediate (not medicate) the symptoms so I don't become overwhelmed. I do this by becoming aware, by breathing, and by asking myself "What would happen if...?" I imagine worst case scenarios. I imagine what might happen if I ran away, or if I used. I imagine what might happen if the nice ladies at the polling places laughed at me or yelled at me or treated me rudely. (Which reminds me of my experience in the call center, and I'll let you know that if you are a rude caller or otherwise strange, yes, we do talk about you with each other after the call is over).
• As I am facing or embracing whatever the situation is, try to imagine where the anxiety (the 4-syllable word for 'fear') is coming from.
• During this whole process, and this is very important, I refrain from beating myself up. It's not that I don't want to; that's been my habit for years and years and years. It's just that it does no good whatsoever. Nada. Nothing. Zilch. Again, look at it as a learning experience, an opportunity to connect with my Higher Power, and an opportunity to get stronger and wiser. My thoughts aren't wrong; they're just thoughts. My feelings aren't wrong to have; they're just feelings. It's what I do with them, and today my actions were in-line. If I didn't write and publish this tonight, nobody in the world would know I went through this. It's not a big deal. 
• I congratulate myself for making it through (and in other situations, I've forgiven myself for avoiding), and I thank my Higher Power for the strength and courage to go through it. Then I thank It for the wisdom which will surely come from this experience.

Very few people who live with a mental health condition are mentally ill 100% of the time. We have moments of lucidity. We have moments where we can see clearly what to do. I believe when I have these moments, it is best for me to seize them and use them for all it's worth. Yes, it's very important to vote. For me, however, it's vitally more important that I get over those things within me that would keep me from being of maximum service to the Universe and to my fellow human beings. I get these opportunities all of the time. I've had these opportunities all of my life, but I used to put all of my energies into covering them up or evading them. Today, my good emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual health depends upon me facing and embracing what is mine to face and embrace, and I am extremely grateful for the courage, strength, and willingness to do just that.

Namasté,

Ken

Getting to Know Me

I get confused sometimes. Actually, there are some days I'm in grateful awe that I make it through them ok with all the confusion I seem to experience. Some days I think the greatest thing I can do is to endure the seeming chaos and still behave in a responsible, positive manner. (That's a high-falutin' way of saying, "Fake it 'til you make it").

Anyway, the deal is this - when I was pretty certain I knew who I was and what I was about, I was also suicidal. Then people came into my life, from different avenues, to let me know that my thinking was wrong. And so I got into the habit of continually questioning my thoughts and my perceptions, to see how well they really fit and worked, and I began to understand that my thinking led me to want to escape life. Being somewhat logical (I think so, anyway), it did not make sense to me that a loving Higher Power would give us a life that we would want to escape - that just doesn't make sense to me.  My point here is that the confusion I experience each day is a step up from the straight-line thinking that leads only to my destruction.

Here is my challenge to myself, and what this blog is about: I know I have a human side, and I know I have a spiritual side, and, while they often seem at odds, I also know that they can live happily together, so my challenge, my goal, my purpose is to find out how.  I was raised in one of the branches of Christianity, so understanding the teachings of the Hebrew Bible (Old Testament) and the teachings of Jesus is and His followers is one of the ways I go about understanding how best to be a spiritual being having this human experience. In my opinion, Jesus mastered this - Jesus knew his Oneness with God (that was the Christ in Him), yet He also knew His humanness. And He didn't hate. He didn't hate Himself, and He didn't hate those around Him. Some folks He knew were harder to love than others, and I  totally get that. But He knew what He was about, and it didn't make Him better nor worse than anyone else, because essentially, we're all connected, and we're all on the same path of discovering our Oneness. I also study other sacred writings, and I follow contemporaries who are on the path to discovering and expressing their Divine nature.

One of the recovery programs with which I'm involved suggests, as part of its program, that it's a good idea to take some sort of personal inventory - to find out those parts of us that make living good, and those parts of us which make living difficult. I remember hearing a priest years ago speaking about doing this inventory, and he said that basically, when we truly know ourselves, we know God. (I always love to see priests and ministers and such in recovery - it reminds me that being close to God doesn't make one any less human. It'd be nice if a few more doctors would show up, too). That statement stuck with me. I have a knack for recognizing Truth when I hear it, even if I don't believe it at the time. At the time that I heard it, nothing, I thought, could be further from the truth. If you've read any other posts in my blog, you know this is how I felt about myself: "What's the difference between Ken and a carp? One is a bottom-dwelling, scum-eating parasite, and the other is a fish." How could any part of me be comparable to God, especially the parts I loathed?

Let's start with this: First, remember that I, we, are spiritual beings having a human experience. It's like going on a trip to a foreign land - we're going to see what it's like to live in another part of the world - we're going to experience something different that what we already know. Then, because we're having this experience, we need an Ego - the ego is our own will. If we didn't have a desire to experience something different than what we already are, we wouldn't need the ego or self-will to propel us toward that. The ego's role is essentially to keep us grounded in this plane of existence. Oh, by the way, part of this whole scheme is the idea that the only devil that really exists is called Fear, and that resides only between our two ears. You see, even though the ego is something God made, the ego can take on a life of its own. It wants to! Often, though, the ego finds out that life is really much too vast to handle all on its own, so it becomes fearful. The ego forgets whence it came, and thinks that its survival is entirely up to its own devices - the ego believes it must be self-sufficient, that all of life must come from it. This is where self-centeredness comes from - I'm out here all alone, and, in order to survive, I have to protect everything I think is mine. From that one single idea comes all sorts of aberrations of the Truth, which is that God, or Source, or the Universe has us covered, and we've really nothing to worry about. So we do things that are ultimately hurtful to others and ourselves in an effort to protect something we don't really need to protect.

So here's how coming to know ourselves is the same as coming to know God: When I take a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself, I begin to see those parts of me that are not-God. I begin to see where the ego, fearful of its own survival, has created beliefs and ideas that try to separate me from God and from the rest of humanity. And when I'm able to take a look at these things - these false beliefs and ideas, and the harmful actions they created - I don't like them very much. And that's how I come to know God - by recognizing the very things that I have thought, felt, and done that aren't God, I begin to recognize the God at the core of my being, for, if God weren't there, I would be ok with all the things that I've engaged in that aren't God-like. And from there begins my journey back home.

Mixed in with all of this is all of the good the Universe has given me. All of my talents, my capacity to love, my capacity to create and to give, are in there. The fact is that I have misused or abused the gifts I have had in my life because I thought I was going it alone, and I thought that my survival was entirely dependent upon me. 

To quote another person in recovery, "there is some good in the worst of us and some bad in the best of us." We are all children of a loving creator, and when I recognize that in me, it makes it easier to recognize it in you. 

So, to get back to the first paragraph, there are some days when I feel like a brilliant star, shining my way through life, and there are other days, well...not so much. But every day I keep this in mind: I am not alone, I am supported, loved, and protected, and I'm always in a much better place than I think I am. And, when I can get past the worry and fear that comes from my ego still thinking that it has to go this thing alone, I can begin to express my true self, and know that it is good.

Namaste,

Ken 

Passing Away

I hate writing about this. I really do.

I found out Saturday that someone in our recovery community passed away Friday night, probably from an overdose. It's very sad. She was a young person with a child. So she was someone's mother, someone's daughter, someone's sister, someone's partner, and a lot of folks' friend.
So how does this happen? Why does this happen?

I've been around death since I was 2 years old. I started walking at one of my grandfather's funeral. When I was 7, I saw my aunt dying from stomach cancer. Throughout the years, I've been to the funerals of relatives and friends. I've missed some, too - a very good friend of mine from college passed away in 1988. He was 28 years old. So I know that physical death is a part of life.

The ones that bother me are the ones who pass young. A classmate who was stabbed to death by her boyfriend when she was 19 or 20. My friend who passed over the weekend. A friend from Boy Scouts who was one of the nicest guys you'd want to know passed in service to his country. There's more.

I don't get into the hows and whys too very much - it's not healthy. It's dabbling in that which is not mine to dabble in. Otherwise I start telling God who should stay and who should go. I've done that before. The whole thing is a great big mystery to me.

Why am I alive today? I've had several overdoses, two of which put me in comas. I've punished myself more than anyone else possibly could have. Yet I'm here today, living, breathing, thriving, while people much better than me [judgment] have passed on. There isn't any logic in it at all.

Spiritually I know that death is sort of like moving out of state - we only cease to exist in this particular physical realm. How many realms are out there, I don't know. If one is a Christian, then they know the words of Jesus, who mentioned to His disciples that His Father's house has many mansions. This indicates that there are many different 'places' for us to exist.

I read a recent statistic that said that people with a chronic mental condition (and addiction is a mental health condition) typically have a life span 25 years less than those without mental health conditions. That's a lot less!

But here's the real deal: Sometimes, maybe often, wonderful people who are a real asset to this world and who are much loved and admired die much too soon [judgment]. As an alcoholic, I can faithfully say that it would be my own inaccurate perception of myself that would cause me to die from my disease. In other words, I view myself, even today, much more harshly than anybody else on the planet. The shame and self-hatred that I carried within me caused me to go back to using alcohol and to other self-destructive behaviors often. One day, who knows when, I began to doubt my own thinking, and I began to look at how others seemed to perceive me. Eventually, because I found myself surrounded by people who looked at me much better than I looked at myself, I began to believe their perceptions more than my own. I began to behave as if my life has value, because obviously it does to those who support me. And that, I believe, is really the only reason that I am alive today - I was able to listen to someone else's thinking more than my own. Let me tell you that that is not an easy task. There is nothing in the world that I placed more value on than my own thinking.

So I understand how my friend went back to the thinking that caused her to die. And I'm sad. I'm sad that she could not see what a special and beautiful human being and child of God she was. I'm sad that she had people who were really close to her who now have an empty space inside of them.

And what can I do? What will I do? I can honor her memory by staying sober and staying in recovery. I can do what others have done for me - I will continue to encourage, support, and love those who live with addiction/alcoholism and other mental health conditions. I will not turn my back on others because it's too hard to see someone die from this - I will continue to develop my understanding that God is in all of us, and continue to develop my skills in helping others discover this Truth for themselves. And I will continue to live and thrive and love my life and myself just as it is and I am today, if only to show others that it is possible to live in recovery. We don't have to die from this disease.

It's the least I can do.

Namaste,

Ken

Yes, I Can!

As I've mentioned in previous posts, my life-long ambition had been to avoid anything that made me uncomfortable. This makes it difficult impossible to thrive, because it is the uncomfortable stuff that helps me grow. It's the meeting new people, learning new things, moving to new places, recovering from illnesses, advancing at work, etc., that gives me the experiences I need to develop fully as a human being.

I could make a list of all the things in life I've avoided that I see now would have benefited me if I had embraced them. I'm not going to do that here - it would be way too long. But, up until now, I spent most of my time and energy trying to protect myself from life (while trying to look like I was living life). I realize today that that isn't the purpose of human living at all - the purpose is to see how much we can expand and grow into the image and likeness of our Creator. I don't know about your Creator, but my Creator is omniscient and omnipotent - It knows all and has all power. Additionally, my Creator loves me because...It created me! (warts and all) So, when I endeavor to protect myself from people, ideas, activities, vocations, etc., that threaten me, I'm really wasting my time, because my Creator has my back. I do not need to protect myself - God's got me covered.

So how does this fit in with 'Yes, I Can'?

I've had lots of jobs. All of my jobs in the 21st century have helped me build character - in other words, all of my jobs, one way or another, have shown me things about me that can be improved upon.

I have 3 jobs now, and all of them ask me to stretch beyond my comfort zone in different ways. I'm very blessed! Here are two examples of being asked to do things that I didn't think I could do, and therefore really didn't want to, but I'm doing them anyway:

1. At one job, I was asked to be a mentor. At this particular job, I didn't really want to, because I really didn't think I did that good of a job there in the first place. (This idea I've found to be incorrect). Additionally, even if I could mentor new employees, I probably would not be the best mentor there. Also, being a mentor makes me uncomfortable because I have to deal one-on-one with people I don't know well, and they might not like me. 

There are so many thinking errors in the above paragraph that come from long-held beliefs that need to be replaced with up-to-date, accurate beliefs about me and my abilities. First, in anything I undertake, absolutely the one and only thing I can be best at is being me. Everything else, there's going to be some people more skilled and talented than I am, and some people less skilled and talented. For instance, I like to write (I should hope so!), but I know of many writers that write a lot better than I do. I don't have to be the best to be good enough. Next, I used to be a pass/fail kind of guy. In other words, if I make a mistake in the process of doing whatever I'm doing, I've failed at what I'm doing. This belief, if acted upon 100%, would severely limit my ability to live. I'm a human being, therefore I make mistakes. Get over it. Instead of using the mistakes to beat myself up, use each mistake as an opportunity to improve. Last, whether or not somebody likes me has absolutely no bearing on who I am or on my worth as a human being. I think I'll probably spend the rest of my life learning that one.

2. At another job, I was asked to do some organizing. Oh my! I don't consider myself the most organized being on the planet. I really consider myself the least organized being on the planet. The actual Truth is probably somewhere in between those two thoughts. When I was asked to undertake this task, my first thought was, "Oh no, I can't organize anything!" But I have learned, especially over the past year, that where there is a will, there really is a way, and that if something is placed in front of me to do, through My Creator, I can do it. All things are possible. And so I'm doing it. Not very quickly, because it's a project and this is a part time job, but I'm doing it. Additionally, organization is one of those things that is dynamic, not static, so there's always room for improvement. Even if I did it perfectly today, tomorrow the needs of the organization might change, and I'll need to improve what I did yesterday.

By the way, my desire to be liked and approved of has helped me in recovery. It would be really hard for me to climb back into my shell - I feel that I would disappoint a lot of people around me. One day I'll be able to do the right thing whether or not I have support, but that's a post for the future.

Anyway, my point is this: armed with the knowledge that I still possess a fear-based belief system and that my first inclination toward most anything is to run and hide, I can take each opportunity that comes my way as an opportunity to cut another hole in that old belief and to develop the new belief of "Yes, I can!" There are tons of opportunities each day, from taking the telephone call I don't want to take, to being assertive and letting someone know what I need, to fearlessly expanding my passions, like speaking, writing, and music. Ooh boy, that's a tall order! But I am reminded of what one of my counselors, who is now a Unity minister, asked me: "How big is your Higher Power?" Fortunately for me today, my Higher Power is definitely not me; I don't know how big It is, but it is definitely bigger than me.

So I'm going to end with this quote by Marianne Williamson, from her book, A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of "A Course in Miracles":

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Namaste,

Ken

Let Freedom Ring

In my last post, I wrote a bit about building my own prison, and how, if I've constructed the walls that keep me from living a joyous and abundant life, then I also have the power to deconstruct those walls.

I've found that tearing down the walls is a stone-by-stone process. That's sort of bad news for a person who wants everything the moment I think it - in other words, NOW. The good news is that the process of tearing down the wall I've built is a process that makes me stronger the more I do it. Additionally, I don't have to do it alone, or by my own wits. I have lots of help. I only have to be willing.

I have been saving up money and looking for an apartment - a nicer place to live than where I'm living now. That's not a bad goal. It's a good goal. But, there were a couple of hitches that I was aware of, but thought that I could work my way around. Apparently not - it looks like I'll have to work my way through.

I've applied for a place I really like and can afford. I hadn't heard anything back from the apartment manager, and I left a message with them yesterday or the day before, asking about the status of my rental application.

The challenge for me in looking for a new place to live is my past - it's a little spotty in places. On paper, I don't look like someone who would necessarily make a desirable tenant. Or, to put it in a bit of a nicer way, there are other apartment hunters out there who are probably more desirable than I am. So, I have been concerned with that. It's been in the back of my mind, and sometimes the front, for a few weeks now.

This morning, I woke up with a resentment. That doesn't happen often, so I usually pay attention when it does. Resentments are poison for me. (Actually, they're poison for anyone, but for folks in substance abuse recovery, resentments are particularly potent poisons). It doesn't matter what or who the resentment is about. In that way, it's like alcohol - it doesn't matter if I'm drinking Chivas Regal or Night Train, it's all poison to me. The same with resentments - no matter who it's about, no matter if it's justified or not, or even real or not, a resentment is poison.

So anyway, I wake up with a resentment this morning toward a person whom I think is keeping me from my good (a nice place to live) by some actions they took several years ago. And this is what Source and wisdom point out to me: 

(This is my Higher Power speaking): First of all, Ken that person's action was a reaction to your irresponsible actions, and it was perfectly justified. Second of all, you have not yet faced the consequences of your irresponsible actions. To blame someone else for anything that is going on in your life negates your Power of Choice, and makes you a victim. YOU ARE NOT A VICTIM! So don't play one. I understand you want a nicer place to live, and YOU understand that you can't have anything until you own it in your consciousness. So here's what you need to do:
1. Pray for the person you resent - bless them, forgive them, and release them. They have no influence on you today, other than what you come up with in your mind.
2. Have you noticed that the amount you have saved up for your apartment is the same amount of the consequences of your irresponsible actions? If you take your 'apartment' money and change it into 'restitution', your way will be made clear. 
3. Speaking of resentment - have you noticed, too, that you hate where you're living now? That's a lot of negative energy you're sinking into a  place you don't want to be. If you really want to move on, accept and bless where you're at, and make the best of it. You haven't been doing that lately, have you? If you did get a new place today, you'd f%$# it up with your shitty attitude, no matter how nice a place it might be. Your happiness is your business, and it's an inside job. Remember, when you allow Me to fix your insides, your outside will take care of itself. Isn't that the way it's been working this past year? So...
Do what you know in your heart to be right. Pay your restitution, and take care of the space where you're at. You might not move to another physical place right away, but the space that counts - the space in your heart and in your head - will be much more pleasant and comfortable than it has been.

And after I decided to do the right thing, the apartment manager called me and let me know my application was denied. I thanked her for getting back to me, and I knew in that moment what my course of action was to be.

So that's it. At least for this particular stone. I'm really very grateful, because until recently, every mess I've made has seemed impossible to rectify, so I've always sought ways to ignore or evade the consequences of my actions. This experience of being a responsible individual with integrity is still very new to me, so each time I step up to the plate rather than running away, it's a miracle to me. And I've learned, too, that my miracles are my miracles - nobody else in the world needs to give a darn but me.

Namaste,

Ken

My Life Matters

Well, duh, right? Doesn't that go without saying? Of course my life matters...doesn't it?

Most of my life, I have felt that my life did not matter. I felt that if I had suddenly dropped off the face of the earth, not much, if anything, would change, and not too many people, if any, would notice. 

And I often behaved the way I felt. Countless times I've put myself in dangerous situations. I have drank and used drugs recklessly, spent money recklessly (whether it was mine to spend or not), and for the most part, behaved in a way that showed I just didn't give a damn. I have had great opportunities for growth and for satisfactory living and tossed them aside, seemingly without a care. I have done things that I knew would attract less-than-pleasant situations into my life. I know full well the meaning of 'throwing caution to the wind.'

I've met people who were suffering from depression, and when thoughts of suicide entered their heads, they sought help. I never understood that. I used to think that my thoughts of suicide were, in my case, quite rational, and my only problem was that I didn't have the guts to follow through.

So that's the reason for this post: My attitude has changed. My definition of a miracle is anytime my attitude changes for the better. Changing the course of the Colorado River through the Grand Canyon seems to be an easier endeavor than changing my belief, thoughts, and attitudes.

I'm not important, but my life is. I don't know if that's a paradox or not, but that's my attitude today. What it means is that I need nothing special today because I already have everything I need. However, I do have something special to give - my own experience. Over the past few years, and especially the past year-and-a-half, I have allowed 'life' to steer me instead of me steering life. So, instead of placing myself in dangerous, self-destructive positions, 'life' has placed me in situations where I can be of service to others. I am meeting people I never would have dreamed of meeting. I am doing (good) things I never would have dreamed of doing. I am touching other human lives every day in positive ways. And I am willing to continue on this way indefinitely. I no longer look forward to the time when this will all end.

How did this 180° shift occur? Not overnight, that's for sure. It began with one small shift in attitude. If you've read previous posts, you might remember that I've had a belief my entire life that I don't know how to live properly and I can't handle life. I'm basically inept. That belief still resides within me today, and the shift is this: I used to try through various means to cover up the fact that I couldn't handle life (that may be another whole post, if I haven't written it already), and when I felt I could no longer cover up my deficiency, I sought escape through alcohol and other means. 

A little over a year ago, I changed my tack. A little over a year ago, I hit a bottom, and was faced once again with the fact that I have absolutely no idea how to live. My options had run out. But there were a lot of people around me who were willing to guide me, and I began to take their direction with an open mind. Well, to be honest, at first the mind wasn't really open, it was more like, "It couldn't get any worse, so maybe it'll get better." When I began experiencing positive results inside of me, I knew something was happening. Most importantly, I knew I wasn't the cause. I was (and still am) allowing Something (God, Source, Life, Universe, First Cause, Whatever) to work through me. I was going with the process. I was trusting. I no longer had to come up with my own solutions (or work-arounds). I simply gave up control over my life. Under New Management. I surrendered. And it's important for my recovery to stay surrendered.

I remember joking that I quit self-employment because the boss was a real asshole. That's actually no joke. And the guy running my life would get lost in a closet.

It's really a big paradox. I've had a lot of head-scratchers over the past year or so, but it seems to come down to this - when I let go of the rudder. the boat that is my life seems to travel a lot better.

And today I can positively say my life matters, and that is truly a miracle.

Namaste,

Ken

I Asked For It

Personal responsibility is one of my most important ideals. Please note that an ideal is like a target - I practice personal responsibility, but I'm far from perfect. I do not believe that I can achieve healthy, long term physical and emotional sobriety and good mental (and physical!) health without personal responsibility. As I quoted in an earlier posts, victims don't stay sober. 

I used to say to a lot of situations that came up in my life, "God, I don't need this shit!" I have since come to believe that those situations were exactly the ones I did need, even though they seemed to interfere with MY plans.

Some years back, I studied a bit about Edgar Cayce, termed the "Sleeping Prophet". He would go into trances and help people heal from all sorts of issues by contacting The Source. What I learned is that we come to this plane of existence with some sort of purpose, and we are set up in our lifetime to fulfill this purpose. It's a win-win sort of thing if I can figure out what my purpose is and let it happen. Edgar also said that we can make other choices, and go other directions, but that we do have a definite purpose.

My belief today, and I've heard others intimate this, is that I came into this lifetime with a purpose, a framework of sorts, that I've agreed to do. This relies on the theory that in the beginning, there was God (Source), and that was it - nothing else. God wanted to know itself, but since God was all there was, it was impossible. So, God created - beings and planets and stuff that were God-like, but not exactly God. In other words, in order for God to know itself, it had to know not-God. God wants to experience itself in all of its glory, so it creates beings (us) that are conscious, but don't necessarily know that we are connected with Spirit (and with each other). As we grow in awareness of our God aspects, we create and live and give, and that's what we see going on all around us - humanity remembering who it is. (To me, it makes a lot more sense than a fall from grace and vicarious atonement through blood sacrifice. That never sat very well with me).

A lot of times now when I'm going through something that I find unpleasant, or I don't really want to do, I say, "God, I asked for this?" and I imagine God smiling and saying, "yep, you did!" What this does for me is that it tells me that it's all good - that whatever I'm experiencing is ok, and will turn out fine. What this way to believe does for me is it makes all that I've experienced in this lifetime meaningful - not necessarily understandable, but meaningful.  It also gives me hope that I can learn and grow. It would be a very cruel and unusual God that would make Its beloved go thru several useless cycles of recovery and relapse and then die from alcoholism and depression. What a waste!

So, why explain the way I look at the Universe? Because it explains how I try to look at life, and my place in it, and my relationship to others (we're all connected - even the people I don't like). And it's the best way I've discovered (or remembered) to deal with the things in life that I don't like, or don't think are fair, and get through it all not only with dignity and grace, but also successfully. At least if you look at my definition of success. And lastly, because it's important to know in order to read my next post.

Namaste,

Ken 

Little Miracles

I like little miracles. Little miracles are easier for me to see and digest than are big miracles. For some reason, I'm not thrilled out of my pants to be alive, sober, and sane today. I'm grateful and I'm glad, but I don't have the feeling one might get from surviving or escaping a near-death experience, which I get to do on a daily basis. But I get to see little miracles every day, when I've a mind to.

Little miracles are those things that I experience that practically no one else would give a shit about. They are events and occurrences in my life which would not make the headlines, but they are meaningful to me. They are those things which show evidence of a Higher Power in my life. Things like waking up in the morning without feeling anger, fear, and dread. Things like paying my rent on time, and paying my debts. Things like being able to return love and compassion when I am confronted with a person filled with anger and grief. Things like being able to believe in things I don't yet see. Things like not having a lot materially, but being able to see the value in that which I do have. Things like having a ton of true friends and the feeling of being a part of, rather than apart from. Things like really being ok with sitting at a computer in the public library and shedding tears of joy without shame.

Winter is not my favorite season. I don't particularly care for wearing 50 lbs. of clothing to stay warm and having to slog through snow and ice. But I've been told that there is beauty and reason in everything that exists, no matter what the appearances are. The other day, I was slogging through the evidence of winter to an appointment, and I mentioned to the Universe how I thought it would be nice to see the beauty in this crap. I came to a golf course which, during summer months, I have cut across to shorten my walk. There was a sign that said 'Course Closed'. Of course. I usually take signs as suggestions, rather than as orders, and I began to walk across the golf course. What I began to see as I walked across the course reminded me of a picture postcard - the fairway was virgin snow, framed by trees on either side. I really don't have words to describe how pretty it looked to me as I walked forth to my destination, but I knew my request to the Universe had been granted - I was able to experience beauty in something in which I usually experience discomfort.

Each day in which I open my mind and my heart to the presence of my Higher Power is a day in which I can experience these little miracles, and I am grateful. Thank you God!

Namasté,
Ken

Namasté

I end my posts with the word namasté, and it occurred to me today that I might want to explain it a bit. Namasté is a Sanskrit word and it is used as a greeting. It's a little word that can carry a lot of meaning. Roughly translated, it means the Divine in me recognizes the Divine in you.
It really can be more than a greeting between people on the spiritual path. It is a recognition of the connection every living being has with the Creator, and, moreover, it is a recognition of my connection with you.
Part of the human experience is recognizing our differences. On a very human level, we're all very different. We're different genders, colors, sizes, and shapes. We have different languages, belief systems, and customs. We eat different foods and enjoy and dislike different things. When looked at at a strictly human level, life can be a pretty lonely place.
When looked at through the spiritual lens, it becomes a bit of a paradox. We can see that no two individuals are exactly alike, yet we all come from the same idea in the Divine Mind. We are all expressions of Spirit, each of us expressing Spirit in our own unique way.
Namasté allows me to see our differences with an understanding that it is all good - it is a level of acceptance that says our Creator made each of us, and if you are ok by God, then I'll let you be ok by me, too. Namasté allows me to drop the judgment, to recognize your unique attributes as gifts, not defects. It allows me to explore your experience with a sense of wonder rather than a sense of fear. And by the same token, it allows me to be who I am in that moment, too.
We are all God's children on a path leading back to God. When I recognize this, life becomes richer - I find myself surrounded by the infinite number of ways in which our Creator shows up.
Today I can use namasté not only in my writing and greeting of like-minded people, but also in silently greeting everyone I meet, either physically or in my consciousness. This practice helps me grow in understanding that, no matter what appearances are, we are all led by the same loving Creator and all of our experiences and gifts are valuable.
Namasté,
Ken
 

Higher Power(s)

I may have written about this before, but the topic always bears revisiting.  In recovery, we speak of (and hopefully take action on) the necessity of having a power greater than ourselves in our life in order to maintain freedom from our addiction. When I look back on my life experience, I can see the people and things I’ve allowed to be my higher powers. It is important for me to acknowledge, understand, and accept that I’ve allowed different people and institutions to guide and support me. It’s important for me to know that the desire to have something in my life that is more powerful than me is a basic component of me – in other words, I am always seeking a higher power, at some level, whether or not I’m aware of it. It is that desire for safety, security, connection, and purpose that is a basic component of being human.

So as I said, I’ve experienced a variety of higher powers. As human beings, our very first higher power(s) are those people who sustain our lives, and in my case it was my parents, my brother and sister, and my extended family. Then school entered the picture, and it became a higher power. It was not a higher power that I enjoyed at all. God was there, too, but God wasn’t too much of a higher power to me then – it was just something to learn about on Sundays, and, for the most part, I found the subject boring and remote. It just didn’t have much meaning for me.

Then I discovered Alcohol. Now there’s a Higher Power! I began to know a new freedom and a new happiness. I understood the word serenity, and I thought I knew peace. Feelings of uselessness and self-pity, which heretofore had been predominant in my life, disappeared. When drinking, I wasn’t afraid of people, and actually enjoyed company. My whole attitude and outlook upon life changed when I discovered Alcohol. I suddenly knew what I was doing, and I realized that Alcohol did for me all the things that I couldn’t seem to do for myself. Alcohol gave my life purpose, meaning, and joy.

If alcohol still did for me today what it did for me nearly 40 years ago, I would still be drinking today. But it stopped working. It actually stopped working long before I recognized that it no longer worked. And that’s part of the disease of alcoholism for me – I still remember when it once worked, and it is an embedded memory. That’s also why I need to continue to work a program of recovery, no matter how long I’m able to live a reasonably happy and successful life without alcohol – because my brain knows what alcohol once did positively for me, yet seems to fairly easily forget all the crap that went along with it.

So, alcohol was my higher power for a long time after it stopped being a benevolent higher power. And along the way, I’ve had other higher powers – girlfriends, wives, jobs, the State of Kansas, the State of Wisconsin, money, churches, philosophies, doctors, counselors – the list can go on and on. I’ve even suffered a few times under the delusion that in and of myself I possess everything I need to be my own higher power. In that state, my feelings become my higher power, and, because I also experience depression, negative feelings become my higher power and I become very self-destructive. I’ve had a lot of higher power experience.

I started working at a new job about 6 weeks ago, and I love it. I’m fairly good at what I’m doing, it’s indoor work, I work with a really good group of people, I get paid and I get good benefits. I’ve always enjoyed jobs that I’ve enjoyed, because there’s 8 or more hours out of each day where I actually feel like I know what I’m doing. The rest of my life is often filled with questions and confusion, and work can be a respite from the uncertainty of life. I know what is expected of me and I do it. Pretty simple.

Here’s a good spot for my definition of a higher power – a higher power is whatever or whomever I think about most and whatever or whomever I invest most of my energy into to maintain my relationship with it.

My new job was becoming my higher power. How can I tell? I was investing less time and, more importantly, less energy, in other things in my life – my recovery meetings, my prayer life, my exercise, my home, my friends, and my writing, just to name a few. All of the aforementioned stuff are the things in my life that brought me to a place where it was possible for me to obtain the job I have today.

I will note here that if what I’m doing for a living matches my purpose in life, then there’s nothing wrong with having my job as a higher power. But I’m not there yet. Few people are fortunate enough to be living their life’s purpose 24/7/365.

I am fortunate in that I can see a little bit better than I used to see. I can see that the warm fuzzies I get from going into work now probably won’t last forever, and that it would be good for me to continue practicing the other things in my life that also give me good purpose, meaning, and direction. I can see that I have a tendency (probably an understatement) to look for the one thing that will make life ok for me – like I did with alcohol, and like I’ve tried to do with relationships. So when one thing becomes so important to me that I lose sight of other good things, that raises a warning flag for me.

I have difficulty naming my real Higher Power for two reasons – the first is that my Higher Power shows up all over the place – in nature, in people, in situations, in times of quiet contemplation, in chaos, in times of joy and in times of pain. The second reason it’s hard for me to name my real Higher Power is that in naming something, I limit it. Definitions, by definition, limit something – they describe what it is, and what it isn’t. So most of the time I call my Higher Power God, but I also call It Life, Source, the Universe, Love. And, actually, there’s a third reason for not naming my Higher Power, and it’s related to the first two – I do not understand my Higher Power, and I do not want to understand my Higher Power, because the second I understand my Higher Power is the second It no longer is Higher to me. All I know is that God is greater and grander than anything or anyone that tries to explain It (me included) and will manifest Itself in ways yet unseen. All I need to know is that there is a process (of which I am mostly unaware) that sustains life, and that I am a part of that process and a part of life. All I need to do is to do my best to cooperate with that process.

I cooperate with that process by staying sober, praying, meditating, taking care of my physical self, taking care of my mental/emotional self, facing my responsibilities, participating in friendships, and giving out what has been given to me, all the while understanding that what is important is the process, not the results. Results are temporary and fade away, but what is always ongoing is the process, or life, Itself.

Thank you for being part of the process!

Namasté,

Ken

Living the Process

I was reminded this morning while texting a friend about something that is very important to my recovery (which includes my physical, mental/emotional, and spiritual well-being) and that is that I must keep my focus on the process, not the product. What I wrote to my friend (and essentially myself) was this: "I have to remind myself often that life for me is about process, not product. It's really nice when things turn out the way I want them to, but if I base my attitude about myself and life on my expectations, I'm setting myself up for disappointment."
During my lifetime, I've had two failed marriages, three unsuccessful stabs at higher education, a plethora of jobs that seemed to go nowhere, 22 vehicles, none of which I have today, and a host of other un-success stories. To say that things have not turned out the way I wanted is a huge understatement. Yet today, in this moment, I am happy, and I feel useful, and I feel optimistic about this day. Additionally, I have people in my life who love and support me, and who think I'm an ok guy and that my life is worthwhile. So how can a miserable failure be happy and feel useful? Am I nuts? Well, yes, but that has nothing to do with it. It's all about attitude, and my attitude today is 'what can I put into this day', rather than 'what am I going to get out of this day.'
When I base my life on what I think the results of my activities should be, I am setting myself up for disappointment. Many people, me included, believe (or used to believe) that success is about our bank account balances, the desirability of our spouse, the luxury of our homes and cars, the importance of our jobs or careers*, and the level of our education. And it isn't that that stuff doesn't matter; it does. It's just that what we have on the outside is tiny compared to what we are on the inside (Emerson). So, as I was going for all of those outer things, I was doing little to nothing to develop my insides.
*If you want to find out what the most important job is, see what happens when trash collectors go on strike.
Additionally, I need to know that it's ok if not everything I touch turns to gold. Gold isn't the only elemental metal out there, and if it were, our lives would actually be a lot poorer. Gold has its purpose, but so does platinum, zinc, copper, nickel, iron, titanium, and aluminum, just to mention a few. In other words, if I believe in a Higher Purpose underlying and guiding all things in the Universe, then I must believe that however things turn out is in alignment with that Higher Purpose. It's not always easy to believe that on a case by case basis, but when I look at where and how I've been, and where and how I am now, it's believable.
Not all of my moments are filled with this vision of being an accepting giver rather than a seeker and taker, but it's becoming more frequent. So what's my process today? Part of it is to expand my awareness that I am the child of a Loving Creator who has value and purpose, and part of it is to give away the love, compassion, understanding, acceptance, joy, enthusiasm, insight, and other great qualities that I find I've been given. So, in essence, my process today is to do my best to allow my Creator to live in me and through me in each and every situation in which I find myself, and to leave the results up to my Creator, trusting that I am always loved and always cared for. That's actually a big order, and I'm not going to do it perfectly today; however, if I can keep that idea in mind and heart and do my best with what I've got to follow it, then today will be a success. No matter what.
And I've heard that in order to ensure that my tomorrows are good, I should do the best with what I have today.
Namasté,

Ken    

Envy

I was talking with my mentor last night, and it came up that I don't really have a real appreciation for who I am and all that I have. I understand that this attitude can be an impediment to my recovery, but I am unsure of how to develop a healthy appreciation for...me. And my life. My mentor didn't have a clear-cut answer either, and directed me to my Higher Power. Often when I am faced with something that seems unknown or impossible to me, I will ask God (the short name for my Higher Power) the question, "How?". How do I go about developing an appreciation for me, my life, and all that I have?
When I am truly open and receptive to the answer, I get answers in many different ways. Often God speaks to me through the people in my life. Sometimes God speaks to me through situations and events, or things I notice. Once in a while I get an intuitive thought that I don't know where it came from.
So here are the answers I received from my question:
My mentor has been in recovery for 12 years. Because he has been consistently applying spiritual principles to living, he has experienced the fruits of that. I was thinking about some of his material fruits, which include advancement in his career, a good relationship, a nice home, and two reliable cars. And that led me to think about a couple of my relatives, who also have all that stuff, and whom I envy. And that surprised me that I made that connection - I can't envy my mentor, can I? Envy is a form of resentment, and it is not good for my recovery, my mental health, nor my spiritual health.
One of my readings this morning talked about the idea that I can't receive gifts from God if my hands are full of resentments and other stuff from the past. In order to enjoy the abundance of blessings that surrounds me today, I need to be willing to let go of the 'stuff' of yesterday. 
This morning as I was riding my bike to a recovery meeting, I passed by an open air storage facility that I did not know existed. There were rows and rows of cars just sitting there parked. When I saw that, my thinking was, "What a waste. Those cars just sitting there, and me without a car." (Yes, a sense of entitlement goes along with my envy).
At the meeting, the topic was discovering our obstacles to our relationship with a Higher Power.
Ok, I get it. I can't get what I desire, both spiritually and materially, if I am focused on what other people seem to have spiritually and materially and think to myself, "Why can't/don't I have what others have?" Why is not a spiritual question; how is. How do I go about obtaining that which I desire (sobriety, sanity, peace of mind, stable employment that allows me to live comfortably, good relationships, etc.)?
I think the answer is in celebrating others' accomplishments and practicing gratitude for my own gifts and accomplishments, rather than focusing on what I think I don't have. I have a lot; I really, really do have a lot. But, up until now, I have been spending a lot of thought energy on what others have that I don't. It is time to celebrate what others have (for there is no 'private' good - we are all connected so what is good for you is good for me) and it is time for me to be truly grateful for the abundance of gifts that I have. Whatever I focus on grows and grows; if I focus on what I lack, my lack grows. If I focus on what I do have, that will grow.
Today I am grateful for the ability and willingness to see life in a new light.

Namasté,

Ken