I Am Valuable

Over the past month or so, I've been focusing daily on changing a few core beliefs that I hold that no longer serve me. Unfortunately, I'm unable to toss aside a core belief as one might toss away an outdated textbook. Fortunately, it is possible and it is challenging - it takes dedication, humility (the opposite of humility in this case would be, "I'm fine - I don't need to change), hope, and a willingness to look at life in a new way. 

The core belief I am endeavoring to change is that I believe I am  worthless, defective, and bad. The very first thing that I have done is acquire a mindset that my Creator is good, and anything and anyone my Creator has created is intrinsically good. Do you know why lawyers are buried 24 feet deep? It's because, deep down, they're good people. So that's my mindset - that at the very core of my being, I am valuable. I have within me all the attributes of my Creator; it's just that presently, a lot of those attributes are covered up by trauma, mental health issues, and unhealthy coping mechanisms that I've acquired over the years. So I don't have to acquire anything in order to become who I really am, my best self - I just have to let go of those things I've acquired that are unlike my best self.

I know that I am not alone in holding beliefs that I'm not good enough or defective in some way. Some religions teach us that we are born bad because of the things A&E did in the Garden of Eden. What I've learned that they did was to mistrust God's guidance, and that has created all sorts of woe ever since. And our consumer society tries to convince us that we are defective - we smell bad, our hair is either too kinky or too straight, and it's never the right color, our ass is too big or it's non-existent, we'll never have enough money, etc. I wrote a post a while back talking about this instilled fear over nothing, and I think we all have it to a greater or lesser extent. 

So the task is letting go of those fears, those thinking errors, and those habits which contribute to the belief that I want to let go of - in this case, the belief that I am defective and worthless. I do have value. I am valuable. The challenge is to begin to believe it despite what my mind or my mood tells me, despite my station in life, despite the things I've done or the places I've been.

I was at an open speaker meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous a couple of decades ago - might even be 3 decades - and I still remember how inspired I was by the recovering alcoholic speaker, Milt L., from Cleveland, OH, I think. His alcoholism had led him to shoot a police officer some years before. While he was in jail, his cellmate told him about the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, and how it could keep a person sober and lead him to a better life. Milt talked about how he had a spiritual awakening - that he knew his cellmate was telling him the truth, even though his cellmate was in jail with him. Milt said the Truth is like gold - it is valuable, whether it's in a garbage can or in Fort Knox. That rang true to me, and I've never forgotten it (though I put it on a shelf and haven't begun using that truth until recently). I am always valuable, no matter what, because I am - whether or not I'm choosing to reflect that value in my life is another story.

So what am I actively doing to release the old core belief of worthlessness and instill the new belief of value? First of all, let me mention humility again - having humility means that I know my place in the Universe, and that I am no better nor any worse than any other being. I owe what I am, my life, to my Creator. I am grateful for any accomplishments or any good that comes through me from Spirit, and my only part is willingness - saying 'Yes!' to Spirit. Now that little explanation is another one of those mindsets, or attitudes, to which I aspire. I'm not claiming that I practice it 100%, but I am willing to grow toward that mindset. Additionally, I don't have to define value - I simply have to begin to believe the words, "I am valuable", and take those actions that show I believe I have worth, and begin to abstain from actions and thinking that reinforce the belief I want to let go of. 

Ok, so here are some of the things I'm doing to instill a proper belief that I am valuable:

• Taking my medication - I have a mood disorder from years and years of reinforcing that I'm a piece of shit, and presently I rely upon some prescribed chemicals to help me get my mood up to a level that I can begin to think and do good things for myself;
• Practicing regular prayer and meditation - I know cognitively that I am the Child of a Loving Creator, but I don't feel it much yet; however, I practice affirmative prayer and meditation knowing that it does good no matter what, and I look forward to the day when I actually discover and feel the Light I know is within me;
• Continuing with counselors - I've found professional input invaluable in leading me to better ways of thinking and being;
• Taking care of my body - getting proper sleep, abstaining from mind altering drugs, eating properly, paying regular special attention to certain parts, like my feet, exercising, and getting sun (a lot, nowadays!), making sure I don't get too much;
• Affirming my value by saying it out loud - I am valuable - and avoiding spending any amount of time in negative thinking about myself; 
• Taking care of my immediate environment - keeping my living area clean, making it a pleasant place to come home to and be in;
• Being around people who are supportive and uplifting;
• Supporting others who are challenged - being of service;
• Recognizing the value in others;
• Avoiding getting too caught up in the world - I know what's going on, but it takes little space in my mind because I focus on what's in front of me and what's mine to do;
• Making sure I do things of which I am afraid, like getting a job and speaking my truth (still working on this!);
• Practicing using my gifts, like writing.

This list is general, and not necessarily complete. Sometimes people with mental health disorders move into doing these things gradually. For me, it's about creating habits that keep me in a state of realization that I and my life are valuable.

A word about affirmations: Affirmations are positive "I am" statements that express a truth about ourselves that we'd like to bring into realization. Affirmations can be powerful tools in recovery from addiction and mental illness as well as in spiritual, personal, and physical development; however, they must be partially believable by the speaker for them to begin to work. It's a bit like climbing a ladder - one doesn't claim the top rung when one is starting at the bottom.

Proclaiming and believing that I am valuable is a spiritual endeavor. If I did not know of a Higher Power, or understand that my sense of separation from others is an illusion, I wouldn't be able to believe that I am valuable because of the situation I'm in. But I know today that because of who I am, and because of who you are (children of a Loving Creator), we are valuable, and if I concentrate on my value, I will manifest valuable things and situations. 

Namasté,

Ken

What's Cooking Today?

My recovery is made up of many small actions and attitudes. It's not just about abstaining from drugs and alcohol, or taking my prescribed medication, though both of those are important. Abstaining from alcohol and taking my medication satisfies my doctor and my therapist, and, if I had one, my probation officer - but doing that and nothing else leaves me irritable, restless, and discontent. 

What brought this topic on is that I cooked a meal today. I cooked it the week before as well. It's a keto diet recipe, and I've been working on going full keto for the past couple of months. I keep relapsing back into carbs. But that's not the point. What is remarkable about cooking two meals in the past couple of weeks is that it's been about 10 years since I've done any real cooking. I've been a lazy eater, choosing to eat foods that don't take much prep. Or eating utensils.

So a couple of weeks ago when I cooked, and again today, I really enjoyed the cooking. And the eating. There is something quite creative about taking a bunch of ingredients, putting them together in a certain way, and cooking them that brings some satisfaction to me (I'm not really up to joy yet - satisfaction is about as good as it gets). And then there's the satisfaction of eating what I've cooked - nourishing my body, my mind, and even my soul by consummating a cooking experience.

I found tearing myself away from web sudoku in order to prepare my meal to be a little bit challenging. My girlfriend's presence helped me to unglue myself from from the computer and get into the kitchen and engage in a 'live' activity. I should've taken a video and posted it to YouTube! But it is true that of late it's been difficult for me to put down the passive activities like surfing the web and playing computer games, and get up and do something that engages body, mind, and soul.

I've been avoiding using the 'l' word, because I'm not lazy, and calling myself lazy is pejorative, unhelpful, and incorrect. The periods of engaging in no meaningful activity are symptoms of depression. For me it's mild. For others, it can be as severe as avoiding personal hygiene tasks, eating, or even getting out of bed. I've not come across a medicine that will make me get and stay motivated, so I must do those things that I really don't want to do - otherwise, it's likely that I will get to the point of not being able to get out of bed.

Many years ago, I listened to a person in long-term recovery from alcoholism describe recovery as a recipe - that it's like making a cake. There are necessary ingredients and important instructions to follow lest the cake turn out crappy. In other words, to avoid having a less-than-desirable recovery, I must include certain attitudes and actions in my recovery.

Some of the ingredients that for me make a nice, full, enjoyable recovery (life) include, but aren't limited to:

• Abstaining from alcohol and other mood altering substances;
• Taking my medication as prescribed and consulting my psychiatrist (and others) before making any changes;
• Preparing and eating healthy, nutritious food that is satisfying and adds to my mental health and overall well-being;
• Contact with others in recovery, or others who want recovery, both in support group meetings and outside of meetings;
• Engaging in physical activity that I find challenging that strengthens my body and mind and makes me feel good (exercise). For me it is yoga, some weightlifting, and aerobic exercise like walking and bicycling. I don't run because the last time I did, the police caught me anyway;
• Engaging in creative hobbies or even vocations that utilize my talents and skills - like cooking, writing, and music;
• Nurturing my spiritual life through prayer, meditation, reading, counting my blessings, and helping others - and there are many ways to help others;
• Exercising my brain through reading and learning - some subjects of my interest are the latest neuroscience developments in mental health as well as what works best for nourishing my body and my brain;
• Having an job that engages as many of my skills and gifts as possible.

I think that's a good recipe for my recovery. It's good to make this list, because I see all of the healthy choices I have available to me, and I see some of the areas that could use a little more paying attention to. I still have the teenager's mind of, "There's nothin' to do," yet when I make this list I see I have a whole bunch to do.

Recovery is about alleviating the outer symptoms of my conditions, but it's also about developing and strengthening those characteristics within me that make this existence not only bearable, but enjoyable and fruitful.

Namasté,

Ken

No Whining! (Being Grateful)

I generally ride the bus to and from work. My schedule is such that I get off work at 10:00pm, and I have about 12 minutes to catch the last bus going my way. Up until last night, I've made the bus every day.

Last night at work I got a call at my workstation at 9:58pm. I saw that the call was going to be longer than just a couple of minutes, so I was hoping that I could still make the bus anyway. I patiently and kindly took the customer's order, and realized about halfway through that I wasn't going to be riding the bus home. When I was through with the call, I logged off, punched out, and said goodnight to my coworker.

It's a 3 mile walk home from work, and my first thought was, "Well, this sucks." It was chilly, windy and raining lightly - not my favorite weather. As I began my walk, I started looking for someone to blame. There weren't a lot of targets - I couldn't really be mad at the caller. I could have passed the call on to somebody else, but I didn't feel that was right, for either the customer or for any of my coworkers. I decided that walking home in the rain was my doing, because last year my driver's license was revoked because I earned a DUI and I sold my car. 

Fortunately, I avoided going into self-pity/I'm going to give up mode. I began to count my blessings in this scenario:

• I had proper clothing for the weather - I was warm and cozy, despite the cold wind and rain.
• It's not a hardship for me to walk 3 miles, so
• I'm grateful for my legs.
• I'm grateful for my heart.
• I'm grateful for my lungs.
• I'm grateful for my overall good health.
• I'm grateful the wind is at my back (that was a nice bonus, as usually the wind would have been in my face, and last night it wasn't).
• I'm grateful I live in an area where it's relatively safe for me to walk at night.
• I had forgotten my earphones (that sucked, too), so I'm grateful I was able to direct my thinking into gratitude and do constructive thinking on the way home.
• I'm grateful I was walking in the city rather than the country - I felt more secure.

And on it went. I made it home safely and in a good mood.

Gratitude doesn't prevent sucky situations, but what it did for me last night was allow me to go through the situation without going into blaming, self-recrimination, or worse, self-pity, which leads to depression and resentment. Gratitude allows me to see that I am richly blessed when I look at my situation from a different angle.

Moreover, a consistent practice of gratitude allows me to maintain a higher vibration throughout my days. I am better able to see the good around me and in me. 

What I focus on grows. When I focus on the negative, I have more negative on which to focus. I'm living in it. When I put gratitude lenses in my glasses, my blessings grow, and the negative diminishes.

Namasté,

Ken

What's Right

Following is a post I made to a Facebook group to which I belong called the Gratitude Circle:

I am grateful that I know how to raise my vibe w/out the use of alcohol or drugs. Sometimes I still have trouble feeling 'grateful', and today was one of those days. I felt stuck in 'what's wrong'. So I wrote a list about what's right:
I am alive
I am sober and sane
I am healthy
I am employed
I have a nice home
I have friends
I have choices
I am in charge of my focus
I have tools I can use to uplift me and others...
and the list goes on. So after I wrote the list and realized all the things that are right with me, I realized that I felt gratitude again, and, the the things that are 'wrong' fell into the background.

The Gratitude Circle is a daily opportunity to share and expand gratitude with others around the world. Today, and maybe lately, I found it difficult to post because I wasn't feeling gratitude. My mind was focused on what's 'wrong' with the world and my seeming powerlessness to affect anything.

I know from my own experience that when the gratitude cup is empty, it's empty! I knew I needed to raise my vibration (emotional state) up a few notches, but was finding it difficult. So I did just what I stated in the post - I didn't write a gratitude list, I wrote a What's Right list, with all the things that are going well in my life. By the time I got done with it, my vibe was raised, and I was feeling gratitude again.

The world didn't change, I did.

The ego can be a tricky thing - it likes to think that it has much more control over things than it actually does. I am a powerful being, as I believe we all are; however, when I put my focus on the things I can't change, rather than what I can, my power is wasted, and I feel discouraged and depleted. 

There is a great deal I can do to effect change in this world, but it begins with me. My strength comes from my relationship with my Higher Power, so I must put that relationship first. When I am peaceful inside, and grateful and receptive, I can allow my Higher Power to direct my actions where they will do the most good. 

I have the understanding today that each of us in our own way has the ability to make the world a better place to live. I also know that to the degree I allow healing to take place in me, the world has improved by that degree as well, because I am a part of this world. I can and do make a difference.

Namasté,

Ken

Riding Uphill

If nothing else, what I have gained in nearly 3 years of recovery is a better perspective.

Some years ago, I trained for and rode in the MS 150, which is a 2 day 150 mile bike ride to benefit the Multiple Sclerosis Society. One of the things that I learned is that training for something physical is 90% mental. Part of training, as well as the ride itself, is hills. Now, on a perfectly flat surface, it's fairly easy, if one's muscles are used to it, to ride at a good clip for a long way. However, I don't live in Kansas, I live in Wisconsin; which means part of the ride is going to include some hills. Riding uphill is tough. It hurts. I did learn that riding as hard as I can to the top, where my chest hurts, I can hardly breathe, and I think I might have to call 911, is not the best way to train on hills. The best way, for me, is to not look too far ahead, gear down, and send conscious signals to my legs to pump, pump, pump. I don't enjoy hills. I do know that practicing on hills makes them easier to climb, but I still don't look forward to the challenge. They're tough, and I don't really feel like doing tough things. 

So why do it? Because it's part of riding, and overall I enjoy riding. That's just the way it is. Also, riding the hills gives me a sense of accomplishment, and it makes me stronger and healthier. Also, usually, once I get to the top of a hill, there is a downhill portion in which I can go fast and pedal lightly, or not pedal at all. The ride downhill is the reward for the ride uphill. Sometimes, after the top of a hill, there's a plateau and then another hill. Do I stop, get off my bike, sit down on the side of the road and cry? Sometimes I feel like it, but no, I don't. Somewhere down the line there's going to be the downhill coast, where I can go 25 mph (or faster) using only gravity. It's there. But I never would have found that if I had quit (like I felt like doing) on the uphill portion.

Often people on a spiritual path in recovery, like myself, find points in life where life seems so easy! It's wonderful! Everything's going my way! And then we come to a hill. Or maybe even something that seems like a brick wall. And we falter. Often, to someone who is new in recovery, this time of struggle can be a big enough letdown to cause that person to give up. But if one has the support of people who have been there, one may get enough courage to see the struggle through. Sometimes, if a person has God as their Higher Power, they might feel that God has abandoned them. Things were going so good! And then God just pulled the rug out! Wtf! If one doesn't at least believe there is a purpose to or a reason for the struggle, one can be inclined to give up. Or think they've lost their connection, or they're no longer spiritual, or they're not even in recovery because they're not feeling it. But the struggle is exactly like the hill on a bicycle ride, and if one shortens their vision to what is in front of them, and keeps moving one step at a time, that person finds their way to the other side, to the 'blessing'. And then they're feeling it again! Personally, I don't believe God hands out struggles. I think I have things to learn, that are mine to learn, on this journey. And I have come to the conclusion that I can learn them now, or learn them in the next lifetime. The next lifetime is unknown to me, so it's preferable (really the lesser of two evils right now) for me to learn in the here and now, where at least I have some idea of what's going on.

I went to a work function tonight. It was a really nice evening that turned out well. People enjoyed themselves, I was surrounded by a lot of really great people, many of whom are friends of mine, the food was good, awards were handed out, and it was as enjoyable as last year's function. And you know what? I wasn't feeling it. But, because of the experience I've gained in recovery, I didn't behave like I wasn't feeling it. Recovery teaches me to suit up and show up, almost without exception. I could show up and do my part well and not have to miss it or piss on anyone's parade because I wasn't feeling it. In the past, I would have taken the way I felt as a sign that I'm not really in recovery, I'm just a big fake, and I'm really a useless piece of shit that might as well not even be here. I don't have to take it that way anymore. Today I can recognize a symptom of my dis-ease - one of the symptoms of depression is not being able to get pleasure from pleasurable things. Anything that I would have done tonight to change the way I felt would have made things much much worse. Instead, what I've learned to do is to carry on - to continue that uphill ride, whether my body or my brain is telling me, "Give up! Stop! Lay your bike down, sit down, and cry!" Because my soul knows that after this hill, if there's not a downhill run, there's at least a plateau before the next hill.

We honored a lot of people tonight, and one of the awards we give is named for a person who died from his illness. His memory lives on. And, to be very honest, I considered whether it would be better for me to be a memory. My decision right now is that it would not; there are people in my life whose lives I touch in a positive way. There are living people who are genuinely appreciative of my presence. So even when I'm not feeling it, I know that my life - that I - make a positive difference on Earth today. 

And the way I felt, or have been feeling recently, is not indicative of the quality of my recovery. When first riding the bicycle, even the slightest uphill grade feels tough. After a few hills, we tackle bigger ones. I was out in Colorado once during some bike race, and these guys (and gals, too) were riding up and down this mountain. I can't even imagine! But I saw it, so it must be possible. 

Sometimes I wonder if my dis-ease it not so much battling or struggling through the lows as it is learning to get rid of the unrealistic idea that life should (there's that s-word, indicative of an unrealistic expectation) be easy. If someone else's life looks easy to me, it only means that I haven't bothered to investigate. In The Road Less Traveled,  M Scott Peck wrote, “Life is difficult. This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult - once we truly understand and accept it - then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters.” 

So, no, the way I feel is not necessarily reflective of the quality of my recovery, the quality of my life. It can be an indicator that I need to change something, or it could just be an indicator that I'm going through a growth period right now, and the (temporarily) easy ride is just over the hill.

The truth of the matter is that it doesn't matter what I feel like; what matters is how I show up. And I showed up today, and I'm very grateful I did. My feelings, in this case, do not reflect reality. Reality is in what I do. And, to me, that's recovery.

Namasté, 

Ken

Stigma Revisited

First impressions can be lasting. They don't have to be, but, sometimes they are. I continue to discover the cognitive distortions (thinking errors) in which I engage that need to be corrected, or adjusted. Usually the problem with a cognitive distortion, as the term implies, is that there is some element of truth in every thought - it's just that I've distorted it, for whatever reason. I think that most often cognitive distortions are assumptions and suppositions that are applied too broadly, or sometimes too permanently.

I have heard that alcoholism is a disease of perception, and I know that major depressive disorder is as well. For me, I can take a grain of truth and create a beach of misery. A great deal of my recovery involves discovering my distortions, accepting that I have them and operate by them, and practicing moving my thinking toward something more workable in my life. It's a lot of work for me. A half-century of bad thinking habits doesn't get turned around in one day, just because I realize my thinking sucks. I had to have a lot of help in the beginning, and sometimes still need help to see where my thinking is tripping me up - creating less-than-desirable results in my life.

So what does all this have to do with stigma? As I've mentioned once or twice before, the default for the human brain is auto-pilot. It's a mechanism designed to protect us, so that we don't have to consciously repeat our thinking every time we see a snake <DANGER!>. It's a good mechanism, very protective, but it's not always true. We may get scared by things that look like a snake - a gnarled stick, for instance. We might decide that anything with scales is bad for us, and transfer our fear of snakes onto harmless fish. According to the first thing that came up when I Googled it, stigma is "a mark of disgrace associated with a particular circumstance, quality, or person." I can stigmatize myself, and have often done so, and I can stigmatize others.

I attended a class a few days ago, and learned some more about the human brain, which, big surprise, really interests me. The brain is a hugely complex organ, even more complex than what I had previously thought. It seems a miracle to me that we don't have more breakdowns. But what struck me is this: Our two most noticeable organs our body has are our skin (yes, the skin is an organ) and our brain. The skin, because it's our clothing - it's what people see about us - and our brain, because the workings of our brain show up in our speech and behavior. So, if to the beholder, someone's skin looks different than our own, or their behavior is different than we expect, the beholder's little reptilian brain can go into yellow or even red alert. If we see somebody who appears or behaves outside of our 'normal' range, we take notice. It happens naturally.

There are lots of types of stigma, but here, I'll focus on appearances and behavior. Many years ago, my very first real job was at a sheltered workshop for developmentally disabled adults. Now, many people with a developmental disability (what used to be called mental retardation) have physical appearances outside the norm. Let's pick on folks born with Down Syndrome, a disorder caused by a chromosomal mutation before birth. People who live with down syndrome are often mildly to moderately developmentally delayed. Physically, "A few of the common physical traits of Down syndrome are low muscle tone, small stature, an upward slant to the eyes, and a single deep crease across the center of the palm – although each person with Down syndrome is a unique individual and may possess these characteristics to different degrees, or not at all. (https://www.ndss.org/about-down-syndrome/down-syndrome) [emphasis added]. The very first thought someone might have when they encounter a person with Down Syndrome is, "They're different." Stigma starts when the person who has that thought never bothers to think past that first thought. Stigma continues on when the person attaches a judgment to their first thought - "they're different, so they're bad (or dangerous, or stupid, or evil, etc)." The disgrace of being born with Down Syndrome. That's stigma - attaching a negative judgment to someone, most often for something over which they have no control.

So often folks are pre-judged base on the condition with which they live, not on their behavior. To get past the initial thought, one very often has to get to know someone - to sit down and talk with someone, and listen, and work at understanding. One has to look past the outer appearance, and past the brain, to see who is really in there. It takes time, it takes patience, it takes intention, it takes effort. Mother Teresa said she saw Jesus in everyone she met. In order for her to do that, she had to look. She had to put forth the effort, because most of the people she dealt with were sick and impoverished. 

I love people today that years ago I would have avoided. But the truth for me is that for years and years I only judged myself by my skin, my gender, and my brain. I felt ugly, I learned growing up that men were bad, so I was bad, and my brain surely didn't work right at all. It's no wonder I wanted to die. When I was given the opportunity to challenge my thinking and my beliefs, I began to see a Ken that I had never known. I began to see a multi-talented, kind, caring individual who really does have a pretty big heart, once all the calcium was chipped away. And I began to know that I am more than my looks, I'm more than my gender, and I'm more than my brain, and I began to become ok with all of me. I don't know if I started with me, or with other people, but I also began the scary and challenging work of getting to know others beyond their labels. And I stopped being so afraid of people. I began to see that, as we say in NAMI, we have more similarities than differences.

Here's the spiritual part of all of this - spirituality is about developing the ability to see and believe beyond appearances. It's about looking for the universal Truth that we are all children of a loving and benevolent Universe, and discovering that Truth in ourselves and others, and then living that Truth. We are all connected; that is why what I give out returns to me. So I seek to know you, the real you, underneath your human shell, because in getting to know you, I also get to know me, and I get to know God.

Namasté

Ken

Who the Heck Am I?

I started a post the other day. My intention was to explore identity. I began to write down all the things I am - male, Caucasian, Wisconsinite, citizen of the United States, etc. - all of my descriptors. I didn't finish. But what was curious to me was that most of the descriptors weren't my choice (or, if they were, they were made before I was born and I don't remember). It's not my fault I live in Wisconsin. I've tried to leave a few times, but I keep coming back, and for 6 months out of the year I ask "Why?". I don't recall asking to be born a white male, and I did not give my consent to be baptized (although I did give my consent to be confirmed in the Lutheran church). I learned English at a young age because that's what was spoken around the house. My uncles, on the other hand, were bi-lingual - when playing cards, they often spoke in German (probably because they knew I wouldn't understand). So where I live, my first language, my citizenship, my first religion - they make up who I am, even though I didn't choose them. I found out pretty early on that I wasn't very happy with who I thought I was. It took a long long time to change that state of mind.

Humans love to identify and classify. It's how we make logical sense of the world in which we live. That's a rock; it has certain attributes because it's a rock. There's a tree; it has certain attributes because it's a tree.

But then we try to classify ourselves. Some people have no problem with that. Some folks proudly state exactly who they are, even though what they're claiming was something that was foisted upon them before they knew they had the power to choose. Our egos need an identity in order to thrive. Strip away all of the things we think we are, and the ego has nothing for which to live.

I had a Boston Terrier for about a year. Cute little guy, but he didn't know he was a little dog (he weighed 20 pounds, but was very strong). He liked to go to the dog park and run with the big dogs. Most of them tried to ignore him - he didn't care. I really loved that dog. Domesticated dogs don't have an identity other than what we give them. 

I don't think a wolf knows it's a wolf. I don't think an oak tree knows it's an oak tree rather than a pine tree. And an oak tree is probably not proud to be a mighty oak because, when it was just an acorn, it knew it had no other choice (if it knew anything at all).

In the helping professions, we avoid identifying patients with their conditions. There's good reason for this - the cancer in room 420 is more than a cancer - she's a mom, a daughter, a sister, a wife, a journalist. When the person who lives with alcoholism isn't drinking, he's more than an alcoholic - he's your neighbor, someone's son, and he might even be your doctor. The person who lives with mental illness may be symptom free for months or years; why call them the manic-depressive or schizophrenic?

Yet we have this urge to identify and classify, and, the narrower our minds, the more rigidly we adhere to the names we give others. Remember being 8 or 9 years old, and going grocery shopping with mom, and seeing your homeroom teacher in the grocery store for the first time? Wasn't that a trip? There was a great amount of confusion - "what's she doing here? She's my teacher!" We did not understand, at first, that teachers have lives outside of the classroom - that they've got spouses, and homes, and maybe children, and they gotta eat too! It's usually experiences like these, and reading or watching movies, that broadens our minds to the existence of other peoples and different ways of doing things. I've mentioned this before - when I went to prison, I discovered that 'murderers' didn't murder 24/7, and 'thieves' didn't steal 24/7, and most of the 'drug dealers' were out of business - at least for the time being. All of the people I met in prison had aspects that weren't criminal offenses. All of them were human (and, I suspect, still are).

Alcholism, addiction, and major depression are all conditions that have a narrowing affect on the minds of those of us that live with these conditions. For me, my mind narrowed to the point that life sucked, living sucked, the whole world sucked, I'm useless, and my only options are to drink and/or die. So, a large amount of recovery for me has been allowing my mind to re-broaden - to begin to see that I do have options and choices, and that I'm not locked into a certain way of being. In fact, I consider myself very fortunate that I had to get to the point where I had to surrender just about everything I thought I knew about myself in order to live. The world I live in today is vastly different than the world I lived in 3 years ago (and very much different than the world in which I grew up).

There was a CEO who was in need of a CFO (chief financial officer) so he picked 3 CPAs to interview. He asked the first one, "What is 2+2?" The first CPA answered, "4." "Thank you," said the CEO, "you may go." The CEO did the same with the second CPA, with the same result. When the CEO asked the 3rd CPA "What is 2+2," the CPA replied, "What would you like it to be?" The CEO said, "You're hired!"

And that's what I feel like today - the 3rd CPA - because each day I have greater choice on who I want to be today. Who I am is how I show up. Or, how I show up is who I am. I am not bound by my past, nor am I bound by those things that I am which I did not consciously choose. I'm not even bound by the language I learned, porque aprendí a hablar otro idioma. 
I'm not bound by religion, and I'm not bound by my disorders. 

A side benefit of this broadening of mind I've experienced is I judge people less at face value than I ever have before. I can see more of the whole person than I've ever been able to before, and I now appreciate people for who they are. This is part of what makes life an adventure. To paraphrase Whoopi Goldberg, if everybody were Whoopi Goldberg, the world would be a pretty boring place.

I don't know who I am today, other than a living, breathing embodiment of my Creator, living to become more of who I really Am. And more and more I recognize my relationship to my brothers and sisters. I'm a part of the Human Family, and we're all here trying our best to find our way. For me, it makes what used to be a really frightening world into a pretty nice place to live.

Namaste,

Ken

Thriving Through the Holidays

The holiday season is a stressful season for just about everybody. I think one would have to be comatose in a sensory deprivation tank to not be affected by the holiday season one way or another. For the person in recovery from addiction and/or mental health conditions, the holidays can be a particularly dangerous time. Because it is stressful, and because the symptoms of our disorders might have made past holidays worse, lots of us walk around already on edge and perhaps dreading upcoming events.

Here are some of the things I practice to make the holidays enjoyable:

Abstain from drinking/using or trying to escape

This almost goes without saying; however, many people feel stress so strongly that 'a little glass of wine' seems perfectly justified. However, we also know that a little glass of wine can turn into an argument, a drunk driving ticket, or even worse. Others of us try to escape by trying to ignore the holidays and isolating. This may be an ok coping mechanism, but for me, embracing this time of year makes me feel much better inside than trying to avoid it. I prepare some lines to say when offered that drink or drug: "I like the holidays better sober." "I'm allergic - whenever I drink (or use), I break out in handcuffs." "I'm driving the sleigh tonight." I also remember that under no circumstances am I required to justify what I  choose to abstain from putting in my own body.

Always remember that I'm not the only one who is stressed

That idiot driver on Bluemound Road who keeps creeping into my line while racing toward Brookfield Square has stuff on their mind, too. Be gentle and patient. It's not an easy time for anyone. And, along those lines,

Be extra kind to those who serve me this time of year

The servers who take my order, the retail clerks that check me out, anybody working this time of year is stressed out. Many people have to work extra hours, so they have the stress of working more, plus their own holiday celebrations, plus the stress that comes along with lots of people contact. It's not easy to maintain a pleasant demeanor when working for a million customers in a day, especially when the customers are often stressed and impatient.

Avoid ruining someone else's experience of the holidays

Everybody, and I mean everybody, has a different experience of the holidays. Personally, I believe I can do without them. I have my own views on the 'meaning of Christmas', but it's not necessary for me to foist my views on anybody else. I don't have to go along with everyone and everything, but neither do I have to make everyone conform with my view. For some people, this is their favorite time of year. For others, it isn't. And it's all ok.

Practicing gratitude

For me, gratitude is an appreciation of all that I've been given, and I've been given a lot! My life is abundant. I can show my appreciation for others by connecting with others this season and giving meaningful gifts from the heart - even if it's just taking a minute to let someone know that I appreciate their presence in my life.

Lower my expectations

Actually, for me, having zero expectations is best. When I take an attitude of, "Let's see what happens," life becomes more pleasant with less disappointment. So when I drive to Brookfield Square, I don't expect to park in front of the store I want to go to. When I'm shopping, I don't expect to be able to breeze in and out of the store in two minutes. 

Take care of myself by:

Adopt a service attitude

In any situation, when I go in with an attitude of 'how can I be of service here,' I usually have a pleasant experience. If I go in thinking, 'What am I going to get out of being here,' if I do actually get something, it probably won't be enough. I can control what I give; I can't control what's given me.

Supporting others

I go to more support groups, again with an attitude of service and giving. When I'm in giving mode, I don't feel lack; when I'm in receiving mode, I often feel lack. Also, when I go to more support groups, I generally feel pretty good about my situation. When I listen to others share what they're going through, I recognize that I'm pretty happy with my 'problems'.

Treating my body well

I make my health a priority. I get enough sleep. I endeavor to say 'no' when I've had enough food (always a challenge). I say 'no' to some commitments, and I try to avoid getting drained.

Taking time for connecting with my Higher Power

This is so important. When I quiet myself, and ask my Higher Power what is important, and how I should show up, I get strength and direction.

Rejecting guilt/staying in my integrity

I always give from the heart first; sometimes my wallet is involved, too. I don't give because someone else expects that I should. If I believe that desiring for someone that they have a prosperous and happy New Year is enough, then that's what I'm giving. I do not let others set my expectations for me. The bonus to this is that when I don't cave in to someone else's expectations, this gives freedom for others to do the same. Additionally, I do not overspend. There is absolutely no reason for me to rack up 3 months worth of debt to celebrate whatever I'm celebrating. That is, to me, insane, and I'm trying to step away a bit from insanity.

It can be very challenging to look out for ourselves during the holidays. We are inundated with ideas about the way the holidays 'should' (ooh, there's that dirty word) be celebrated. This can actually be a time for us to look into our hearts to see how we want to celebrate, and know that it is perfectly ok (just as it is perfectly ok for someone else to celebrate in the manner they choose).

So, to sum up, the holidays are an excellent opportunity for me to practice:

Compassion

Patience

Kindness

Loving service

Giving of myself

Living from the inside out

Peace

Joy

I wish for you a most joyous and healthy holiday season and a Happy and Prosperous New Year!

Namaste,

Ken

Sowing and Reaping

I had a really good day at work today. I assisted several people over the phone and a few people in person, and I really really felt really useful. On the flip side, there are some days at work where I go in prepared to do my best, and it feels like I haven't helped a soul. Either way I get a paycheck, but I don't go to work for a paycheck.

I used to have jobs that were fairly objectively quantifiable. At the end of the day I could count how many pieces I'd assembled, or how many screens I had repaired, or how many customers I'd helped, or how many calls I received. That was my measure of success - a number in a column.

I've had to change my mindset about what successful is. I've written about this before, but it bears repeating because we live in a culture that is governed by the bottom line. Let me repeat that - we live in a culture that is governed by the bottom line. 'Our' success is determined by numbers - what's your GPA? How many kids do you have? How much do you make? How much is in your 401k? How much did you spend on that engagement ring? How many years have you been married? How many big screen TVs do you own and how many countries have you visited? How many wins versus losses does 'our' team have? And, in recovery, it can be, "How many years have you been clean/sober?"

Bottom lines can be deceptive. People can have lots of money, but their bank balance and McMansion tell me nothing about their character. Not a thing. I've met some folks that have decades of not using drugs or drinking, but I can't stand to be around their attitude. I've worked beside people who produced more work than I did simply because they didn't stop to correct their mistakes. To me, success is not in the numbers anymore - it's not in the output, it's in the input and the process.

So I look at my work today, and my life (of which my work is a huge part), in a more subjective way: how well did I seek to share myself with others? Did I put forth the effort to give what I've been given, whether I felt like it or not, or whether I was tired or busy? Did I seek to add to someone else's life more than I did my own (knowing that my blessings come and I can't add anything to my own life myself)? 

I felt I had a really good day at work today simply because that's how I interpreted it, and, in a couple of cases, I received feedback that said I was really helpful. I may actually be that way every day - that's my aim, to be of maximum service - but some days I'm not feeling it.

At my job at the halfway house, I call it a good day if nobody died and the house didn't burn down. So far, I've been very successful at that job, though there have been a couple close calls 😉 (I forget that I can do emojis here, and I can also post pictures. I'm planning on doing that to make life more interesting). At any rate, at the halfway house, my job is to not only keep the residents safe, but also to model recovery in whatever way I can. Keeping the residents safe is the easy part. However, in order to do my job, I have to always be 'in recovery,' and I find that helpful to me. I hope the residents benefit from that.

As I mentioned, my definition of success has changed so that I can experience success today, and others can benefit from my success. It's called a win-win. Today I like to think of the work I do as a sower - I sow ideas and actions that uplift and encourage people, and hopefully ease suffering. Once in a while I help save an actual life. But most of the time, I don't get to know the outcome of my sowing. I have to trust. I have to trust that the love I put forth into the world lands somewhere and does some good somehow. Was today a day in which I reaped (reapt?) what I sowed? I really don't think so. I think today was one of those so-far infrequent days when my Chief Judge and my Soul were on the same page. I think I reap in more subtle ways - another day that I didn't have to drink or use, and I wasn't obsessed with figuring out the best way to die. That right there is gold for me. I also get to reap peace of mind, a feeling of security, and people in my life that are the best people on earth. And, sometimes, I get to feel useful.

None of that stuff can you quantify on an Excel spreadsheet, and today, I'm ok with that.

Namaste,

Ken

What's Really Going On?

In yesterday's post I mentioned the fact that what we focus on increases, whether we're focusing on our blessings or the things we'd rather not have. Seeing the good around me has always been a challenge for me - it's much easier for me to spot what's 'wrong'. This trait can be particularly useful if I'm doing something like editing or quality control; however, past that, it serves no purpose other than to maintain a shitty outlook on life.

I've been following the 'news', and I'm pretty sure that I'm not better off for doing so. Even though I know better, I still seem to gravitate toward looking for the bad. I don't really have to look too far, do I? It seems like a chore sometimes to see what's right with people and what's right with the world.

25 years ago I read a letter to the editor in the Milwaukee Journal written by a friend of mine. At the time, Jeffrey Dahmer was on trial in Milwaukee. Fortunately, crimes like the ones he committed are rare in Milwaukee; however, it seemed like everyone was focusing on the case. Her letter urged us to focus on all the things going right with the world, and I think the theme still holds today.

I can't recreate her letter here, but I can write down those things that are right in the world, and I know they'll outnumber the things that are seemingly not right.

• The last time I checked, I still have a pulse. Many people will die today, some tragically and/or needlessly; yet many many more will live.
• I am 95-99% healthy. I have some aches and pains, and there are things I have to watch about my health, but I am not ill at all. I see lots of advertisement that prompts me to think I am lacking in health, but that just is not the case.
• Some people will die today from suicide and/or addiction. I will not, and the vast majority of people will not.
• There is much suffering and inequity in this world. There is not in my life, and I seek, along with many others, to ease the suffering of others.
• Nobody, known or unknown to me, has attempted to harm me today.
• I can live within my means today and have enough left over to share with others. There are some people in this world who have much, much more than I have materially, yet don't feel secure. I am abundantly blessed.
• I am filled with hope today, and every time I share it, my share increases.
• I have control over my mind and my actions today, and so long as I am constructive rather than destructive, I'm doing ok.
• There seems to be a lot of hatred and disconnect nowadays; I know that this is not the Truth; the Truth is that we are all loved and cared for and important, regardless of what we look like or what we've done, and that we are all connected. I seek to live this Truth more and more each day, knowing that how I live does make a difference.
• There seems to be a lot of stupidity, callousness, and ignorance in the world today. In Truth, I am surrounded by people who are awake and aware.

That's kind of the short list. 'Society' tries to program us to stay in an attitude of fear and lack; however, writing this list has made me feel closer to the Truth - that fear and lack are illusions and have only as much power as I give them. When I endeavor to live in the light, others see this, and they are encouraged to let their lights shine as well. All I really can do is give what I have; however, what I have is a lot more powerful than even I know, and the same goes for everyone on this planet.

Keep your light shining, and I'll do the same!

Namaste,

Ken

Monstrously Human

A man I know was recently arrested for assault. This particular individual lives with schizophrenia and substance use disorder. I haven't seen him in a couple of years, but I got to know him pretty well over a 2-3 year period some years back. His name and picture made it to the sheriff's department website, and somebody commented that he is a 'monster'.

I'm not writing to defend my friend or what he allegedly did. I would like to let folks know that I've met a lot of people on my journey that at given times could be described as monsters. When I had regular contact with my friend who was arrested, he was managing the symptoms of his illnesses. At the time that I knew him, I did not understand schizophrenia as well as I do now; nevertheless, I rode with this man, and went to meetings and other places with him. During the time I knew him, he never displayed any antisocial behavior - he wasn't a 'monster'.

I've spent 5 years of my life incarcerated in prisons and jails. During that time, I've met drunk drivers who killed people, obsessed men who killed people, rapists, thieves (like me!), drug dealers, drug mules (runners), thugs - all manner of criminals. I have yet to meet anybody that is a murderer 100% of the time. I've yet to meet anyone that is a rapist 100% of the time. I've yet to meet anyone...well, you get the picture (I hope).

My point is that everybody is human, and everybody has both good and bad in them. There have been many, many times when I felt I was the worst human on the planet. Fortunately or unfortunately, it's hard to feel like the worst human nowadays. 

An interesting aspect of prison life is that inmates are ranked on their crimes. Nobody wants to go to jail as a person who has committed a crime against a child. No police officer or correctional officer ever wants to go to jail. Those are things that can make one's sentence extremely rough, if not fatal. However, if you were a drug dealer, that's considered fairly good, even if the drugs you sold killed a child. As a thief, I didn't have it too bad, even though I deprived a few people of their cars. Think for a moment what it would feel like for your car to be stolen. Very often we keep stuff in our cars - child carrier seats, money, music that's special to us, etc. It's a violation of one's safety and security, and can be traumatizing.

Another point: almost every human being does shitty things to other human beings from time to time. That, unfortunately, is the nature of humanity.

From my experience, our 'corrections' system does nothing but warehouses and stigmatizes human beings. I'm one of the fortunate ones - I utilized the resources that were provided, and I'm not nearly as likely to steal your car or your money today as I was 20 years ago. This is a good thing; however, many never make it out of the corrections system once they're in. (Please note that I didn't say, "I'll never steal again!" It's not in my plans today, so I think we're good for now).

Nobody was born bad. Things happen during our journey, and one person reacts one way, another reacts another way. Instead of taking damaged people and damaging them more in the correctional system (as it is today) we could be asking, "What happened to make this individual behave this way? What to they need?" We waste a lot of human life locking it up. 

I used to feel that I was useless, a waste of oxygen. I used to believe I deserved to die. If I had managed to kill myself off, I would have missed many opportunities that I've had to help others. I am grateful that I no longer have to behave in monstrous ways, but the 'corrections' system is only one part of my recovery journey. The rest of it is being surrounded by people who see the good in me and who support me in developing that goodness.

There is a way of looking at other human beings with compassion and empathy. There is a way to bring healing to ourselves and others. We are at a point in human evolution where we no longer need to throw people away. Anybody. The answer is to look for the good, no matter how challenging, rather than labeling people as monsters. 

Namaste,

Ken

Releasing Fear and Doubt

I have been actively engaged in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for almost two years. I've been exposed to it for about 20 years, but it didn't sink in enough for me to use until recently. What the practice of CBT does for me is it basically allows me to reframe my experience. Everything in life is perception. Alcoholism, it is said, is a disease of perception - the addict's or alcoholic's perception is skewed enough to make the next fix or the next drink look attractive. As for mental illness, reality is skewed enough to keep the sufferer in misery and pain for prolonged periods of time, disrupting normal life. That being said, changing my perception of reality (without using addictive substances) is part of the foundation of my recovery.

I have been learning over the past couple years that this is done by repeatedly applying the tools I've learned. There isn't a permanent fix, but there is improvement and progress.

Spirituality comes into play by my acceptance of the belief that life is good, and the Universe is conspiring for my highest good. I've had to accept this for myself in order to survive; I don't know that everybody has to accept it. Some people have no gods, and do just fine. Some people have 2 gods (God and the Devil) and are able to get through life. My best bet is to believe there is only One Power and One Presence in my life, and that Presence and Power is good, and my job is to align my consciousness with that no matter what the appearances or circumstances are.

To the topic:  I did not realize how full of fear and doubt I was until I really began to examine it and work on releasing it. Today I was at the NAMI-Waukesha Walks luncheon. I don't like social events. I don't like eating in front of people, and I don't think I schmooze well. That's all fear-based. I'm driving to the event, and I have the thought, 'God, I'm going to die' (from attending this event). Now, without treating this thought, it can, and often will, spiral into anxiety. There are a lot of events and other things in life that I've skipped because I've allowed a random thought like that to take control of me. Today, I came back with, 'It's not going to kill me. I'm going to have lunch, and I'm among friends.' I was in line at the salad bar, and I'm thinking, 'Why can't I be as happy as these people?' The reply is, 'You don't know how happy these people are - you're comparing your insides to their outsides.'

Those are just two little snippets from my day. Now I know why an hour or two at a social event tires me out more than 8 hours of work, and why I don't really seek these things out.

But here's the reality - I went to an event where I really did not have to do anything other than show up, eat, and say 'hi' to a few people. I wasn't even presenting (if I were, I probably would have been more gung ho - for some reason, I like speaking). Nobody judged me (that I'm aware of), nobody attacked me, everybody was friendly. What's to fear?

I used to double-impact myself. That is, on top of having these less-than-helpful perceptions, I would 'should' all over myself for having them. 'I should be better at life.' 'I should not be anxious.' And that double-impact is a killer, because it guarantees that I will never get better. I've learned to stop shaming myself for having stuff to work on. This allows me to move forward. Today's event was a lot easier to get through than it would have been two years ago.

Each and every time I recognize fear and doubt and decide to react differently than I used to, I get stronger, and more able to face the next thing. And, believe it or not, that's a fear of mine, too. As I become more skillful at navigating my life, I move on to bigger and better things. Part of me still thinks there's something I'm going to run up against that's going to crush me. I try not to spend too much time there, because that paralyzes me.

It is important for me to note to myself (and sometimes to others) when I've applied the tools I have and they've worked. That's how growth occurs. Each day gets a tiny bit better, and I am grateful. I'm grateful today that I have enough faith in God in me and in the tools I've been given to get out and experience this life. I feel I've missed a great deal of living, and I don't have to miss any more.

A closing thought - the root of fear and self doubt derives from concern for self (ego). I very often have to remind myself that the Universe has my back (all the evidence points to that), and that I don't need to have any concern about me. I simply have to show up for life and do to the best of my ability whatever is in front of me to do. A simple formula for a complex guy.

Namaste,

Ken

I Am Worthy

If I had passed away two years ago, the three words that would have described me and my life would have been, "Not Good Enough."

I have been shooting for some sort of recovery for most of my life. One of my obstacles to recovery that I've known about for a long time was that much of the time, I rarely liked myself enough to stay in recovery. I have asserted for a long time that one has to care for oneself at least a little bit in order to do what is necessary to stay alive and healthy. I didn't have it, and I didn't know how to go about getting it.

In 1993, I was invited by a friend to attend a church called Unity West. I heard a very different message than I had heard from churches in the past, or from anybody for that matter. Part of the message is that since I am a creation of God, and God is good, I must be good. There is a part of me that seems to be able to recognize the Truth when I hear it, and I heard a lot at Unity that rang true to me. However, one of the great difficulties I've had is internalizing these Truths and living by them - it seems alcoholism and depression got in the way of my accepting some concepts that make life a lot easier to live. More specifically, my ego was so in the way that I suffered from the delusion that I was unique, alone, and disconnected. That's a pretty grand illusion - that I am not a part of this universe, and that I'm my own alpha and my own omega.

I spent years knowing that I wasn't good enough, and doing things to try to prove I was good enough, and ultimately failing at what everybody else seemed to do with ease because, I wasn't good enough. I used to seek approval from people whom I thought I should seek approval. Sometimes I didn't get it, which was frustrating, but not shocking. When I did get approval, it was like alcohol - there just wasn't enough. I'd get nice jobs, and think, "This is it!" and then, after the honeymoon wore off, and the imperfections of the job showed, and my imperfections showed, I'd get tired of the job and go back to feeling not good enough. I've had nice relationships where the same thing happened. I always looked outside of myself to feel good enough, and nothing ever worked permanently. I began to realize that there was nothing outside of me that would ever make me feel good enough - I could have a beautiful wife, awesome job, tons of money, a great home, and a lovely car, but deep down, I would still feel like and believe myself to be lower than whale shit.

So what is the solution? For me, a large part of it is 'acting as if'. You see, a person who has a decent amount of self-esteem, who believes themselves to be a worthwhile individual, does not need to seek approval from others. So I stopped seeking others' approval. A person who believes themselves to be 'good enough' accepts what they have in life, instead of continuously seeking more. A person who believes s/he is good enough as is also sees others as good enough - the person who has a healthy self-esteem does not find it necessary to judge others as less-than. I am neither more important nor less important than anybody else, no better or any worse. My shit's just a little different than yours.

This doesn't mean I'm not about improvement and growth. I am! But today, improvement and growth come not from making myself better, but from releasing those aspects of me that are not in alignment with who I really Am. I go to school to learn how to better use the gifts and talents that I already have. I practice self-care skills so that I can be of more effective service. I take setbacks not as indicators that I'm worthless or stupid; rather, they come up to enlighten me and make me stronger. Everything is useful; nothing is wasted. I stop questioning my presence in people's lives and simply try to show up as a blessing. I release worry and fear over my future, and work on simply living in today.

Now, of course, since this is all new to me, it is a practice. There's always something to work on, something to let go of. The big miracle here is that today I recognize that my life is valuable, and that your life is too, no matter what. When I am praised, I accept the praise at face value; when I am corrected or criticized, I try to be grateful for the lesson rather than taking it personally. Today I endeavor to live from the inside out, and each day I do that, I find more good stuff within me. 

I am grateful for the people in my life that saw who I really Am when I could not. I began to believe those folks and act as if they were telling me the Truth, and it looks like they really were. 

I am enough. I am worthy.

Namaste,

Ken