The Way It Is? Mindfulness and Imagination as a Pathway to Change

We, as humans, get really used to the way things are. We get up in the morning and go to the bathroom and do our business without having to think too much about it - like what happens to the water that goes down our sinks, toilets, and showers, or even the origin of the water. We get dressed, probably without knowing who made our clothes (no, Levi Strauss and Tommy Hilfeger did not actually make the garments you're wearing). We hop in our cars, and we don't need to even know how a car works to utilize it. When we turn on the radio, do we think about how that works? How music travels invisibly through the air from some location to us so that we can listen to it? And many of us go to a job that starts at 7, 8, or 9 in the morning, lasts 8 hours, and we'll go to 5 days a week, without ever wondering if there would be a way to live on a 20 hour/week job, or no job at all? And the list goes on, and on, and on...

We don't have to consciously think about all the things we do in a day - unless we want to change something in our lives, or change our entire life.

One of the curious aspects of addiction (and mental illness, as well, I think) is the narrowing of our imaginations when we're suffering from it. For instance, I have a few challenges, or opportunities for growth, going on right now, and I look forward to working through them, knowing that they'll make me stronger and lead me to an even richer life than I'm already experiencing. However, if I start drinking alcohol today, all of those challenges will become huge insurmountable problems that nothing but another drink will fix. Such is the nature of alcoholism, and I think it's like that with depression as well. On days when I'm not feeling any symptoms of depression, life looks great, and I see many possibilities. On days when I'm symptomatic, it's really difficult to see a decent future, and everything around me looks and feels like crap. (It's those days that I get through by faith - knowing, but not seeing, that things will get better).

So, a big part of recovery is reversing the narrow-mindedness that comes from the diseases. Now, a challenge comes in - the longer we stay in our active addiction or depression, the more ingrained is the negative, narrow-minded thinking, and the more difficult it is to change. This can be very frustrating! People can tell us that it (whatever 'it' is) gets better, and they're happy and smiling, and we're slogging through the shit wondering, "When?" Bit by bit, day by day, 'it' does get better. Very slowly. This is a critical time in early recovery when much support and a lot of patience is needed, because the feeling of wanting to give up and go back to our 'comfortable' misery appears often. Medication is often required to assist us in staying in a state where we can assist ourselves.

After a time, our thinking returns to a state where we are able to resume our normal daily lives, take care of ourselves, support ourselves, and begin to enjoy life and living again.

But what if you're like me? What if, when things return to 'normal', it's still not good enough? What if, even when things are going great, there is still a indefinable longing inside for something different? Fortunately, or unfortunately, depending upon your point of view, there is not a pill that will fix that. There isn't a pill that will make me perfectly accept the way things are. I hope not, anyway.

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, 
Courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference. (Excerpt from the Serenity Prayer by Reinhold Niebuhr)

I'm coming to appreciate that part of me that longs for something better - that part of me that longs for more peace, more power over my thoughts and actions, more effectiveness in helping others. Previous to understanding how to channel it, this longing in me produced depression and the desire to go back to alcohol and drugs. I wanted to extinguish the longing. Today I better understand that the longing is a good thing, because, properly channeled, it allows me to explore and discover more and more of this existence.

One of the things needed for this journey is the belief that there's more to life that what I'm seeing in this present moment, and for that, I need to be willing to expand my consciousness, my thoughts, beyond what I presently know. Jesus talked of this when He mentioned that you don't put new wine into old wineskins, or you'll burst the wineskin. I can't move to the next paradigm using the same type of consciousness I was using in the old paradigm.

I mentioned at the beginning of the post just a tiny fraction of things we might take for granted in our daily lives. Taking these things for granted, or not thinking about them, makes it easier to live our daily lives; however, it sucks for trying to get somewhere we've never been before.

All of my life I've thought about the way things used to be - long ago, before I was born. I like sitting at the shore of Lake Michigan, and try to look at it through the eyes of a Native American 200 or 300 years ago. Lake Michigan means different things to us today than it did to the person observing it back then. Back then, the person looking at it might have looked at it as a source of life - both water and food. I've wondered why people ever settled in Kansas (the Great Plains). Did they just get tired of traveling in covered wagons and give up? Because 150-200 years ago, Kansas was one great big flat treeless field. "Oh, yes, this looks like a great place to settle - absolutely nothing as far as the eye can see!" And when English settlers first settled on the North American continent - what were they thinking? 450 years ago, there weren't housing developments and roadways and cities in North America - just a lot of land, and people that we used to refer to as 'savages'. What about a long, long time ago, before there were even governments, or kingdoms? What was life like then?

For the longest time, my thinking made the world as it is today seem false and unnatural, and much of it is! But it made me disdain today's world. If we didn't have mass generated and usable electricity, most people today would plain just die. Ok - what does that have to do with mindfulness or depression, or alcoholism, or spirituality?

It is this: Anything is possible. In the midst of alcoholism and depression, the only thing that seemed possible was death - either quickly, or painful and slow. In the midst of recovery and spirituality, anything is possible. I have been rescued and elevated from a 'hopeless' condition of mind and body to live this life in recovery and achieve or attain anything I can set my heart on. The only limitation I have is my own thinking - my current mindset.

I am not 'stuck'. But in order to be able to change my thinking, to change my life, I need to examine the areas in which I'm accepting 'the way it is' or the way things are. Those are the things that I have to unaccept, and and change it around to 'the way things could be'.

This is wonderful news to me. I don't have to stay stuck in who I am, or who I've been; I simply have to shake up the neural pathways in my mind and develop my power of imagination. 

I can see very well the way things are. I can stop fighting them and move on to the next step: Begin to see the way things can be.

Namasté,

Ken

Holding on Loosely

I don't claim to know what's best for anybody, myself included. I do, however, often think I know what's best - I just try not to claim it because I know that I really don't know. That's my lame disclaimer.

As many of my 3 readers know, I've been taking stabs at recovery for over three decades. Perhaps the biggest obstacle to my long-term success has been my denial that in addition to alcoholism, I also live with what is called Major Depressive Disorder. However, my spiritual teachings and experience have led me to always look for the deeper meaning. What is beneath the alcoholism? What is beneath the depression? What is beneath the denial? For instance, many of us in recovery believe that alcoholism has very little to do with drinking alcohol, and very much to do with what was beneath our drinking - what causes us to value the use and effects of alcohol more than we value our family, our jobs, our possessions, our freedom, and, ultimately, our lives? Until we come to some understanding of causes and conditions, we can't really hope for long-term or contented sobriety. Yes, we have a physical allergy to alcohol; but if that were all we had, our problem would be solved by abstaining from alcohol. But it's not - we also have the mental obsession that, if left untreated, guarantees we will drink again.

I did not find the recovery I enjoy today until I was able to 'let go absolutely.' What that looked like at the time was really simply that I just stopped giving a rat's ass about how my life was going to turn out. I gave up. So I took what came my way as far as resources and help and I gave it my best shot. And I did not have any expectations that anything would work. This isn't to say that I believed it wouldn't work; I had simply released any expectations as to the outcome of my efforts.

And the result of this Method of Operation, if you will, is that I have a great life that I know I couldn't have planned.

I've written this before, but it bears repeating. I still have an ego; my decisions aren't as much informed by it as they used to be, but it's still there. And one of the traits of the ego, since egos are fear-based, is that it likes to know what's going on. It likes to plan, to insure its survival. Basically, my ego takes this particular lifetime way, way too seriously, because it doesn't believe in eternal life. My ego believes life is limited.

I, on the other hand, have begun to believe in unlimited, infinite life, and so I have a different view of this experience called 'My Life' than my ego has. And with my new view, I don't have to make sure everything will be ok and I'll be safe and protected. I already know that it is. Everything is already ok, no matter what the appearances are. And so my daily endeavor has gone from making sure Ken is ok (and all the things it takes to make that happen) to making sure that my consciousness stays in alignment with the Infinite. In some recovery programs, this is called knowing what God's will for me is today, and knowing that that is all I need to be concerned about.

I am very fortunate that I work with people in early recovery. What happens when I talk with these men is that simple stuff comes out of my mouth that they can use. This is what I heard come out of my mouth today, and it's a phrase that I believe encompasses the concept of holding on loosely: "I don't need to know today exactly where I'm going; I just need to make sure that I'm pointed in the right direction."

Here is a very concrete example of this concept: Say I want to go to California from here. I have a car, but I don't have GPS, I only have a compass. I know that California is generally WSW from here, and so I head out, in my car, going in a generally WSW destination. Because roads are the way they are, I know I won't be able to take a straight shot to California; however, if I head in that general direction overall, I'll arrive. And the bonus is that along the way I can enjoy the journey, because I haven't plotted out a specific path that I must take. Along the way I run into towns and rivers and mountains and prairies that I hadn't planned on visiting, but there they are! And my trip to California becomes an adventure, because I took it, I didn't plan it.

That's what I've been doing the past couple of years, and it seems to be working. Thanks for reading!

Namaste,

Ken

I Am Worthy

If I had passed away two years ago, the three words that would have described me and my life would have been, "Not Good Enough."

I have been shooting for some sort of recovery for most of my life. One of my obstacles to recovery that I've known about for a long time was that much of the time, I rarely liked myself enough to stay in recovery. I have asserted for a long time that one has to care for oneself at least a little bit in order to do what is necessary to stay alive and healthy. I didn't have it, and I didn't know how to go about getting it.

In 1993, I was invited by a friend to attend a church called Unity West. I heard a very different message than I had heard from churches in the past, or from anybody for that matter. Part of the message is that since I am a creation of God, and God is good, I must be good. There is a part of me that seems to be able to recognize the Truth when I hear it, and I heard a lot at Unity that rang true to me. However, one of the great difficulties I've had is internalizing these Truths and living by them - it seems alcoholism and depression got in the way of my accepting some concepts that make life a lot easier to live. More specifically, my ego was so in the way that I suffered from the delusion that I was unique, alone, and disconnected. That's a pretty grand illusion - that I am not a part of this universe, and that I'm my own alpha and my own omega.

I spent years knowing that I wasn't good enough, and doing things to try to prove I was good enough, and ultimately failing at what everybody else seemed to do with ease because, I wasn't good enough. I used to seek approval from people whom I thought I should seek approval. Sometimes I didn't get it, which was frustrating, but not shocking. When I did get approval, it was like alcohol - there just wasn't enough. I'd get nice jobs, and think, "This is it!" and then, after the honeymoon wore off, and the imperfections of the job showed, and my imperfections showed, I'd get tired of the job and go back to feeling not good enough. I've had nice relationships where the same thing happened. I always looked outside of myself to feel good enough, and nothing ever worked permanently. I began to realize that there was nothing outside of me that would ever make me feel good enough - I could have a beautiful wife, awesome job, tons of money, a great home, and a lovely car, but deep down, I would still feel like and believe myself to be lower than whale shit.

So what is the solution? For me, a large part of it is 'acting as if'. You see, a person who has a decent amount of self-esteem, who believes themselves to be a worthwhile individual, does not need to seek approval from others. So I stopped seeking others' approval. A person who believes themselves to be 'good enough' accepts what they have in life, instead of continuously seeking more. A person who believes s/he is good enough as is also sees others as good enough - the person who has a healthy self-esteem does not find it necessary to judge others as less-than. I am neither more important nor less important than anybody else, no better or any worse. My shit's just a little different than yours.

This doesn't mean I'm not about improvement and growth. I am! But today, improvement and growth come not from making myself better, but from releasing those aspects of me that are not in alignment with who I really Am. I go to school to learn how to better use the gifts and talents that I already have. I practice self-care skills so that I can be of more effective service. I take setbacks not as indicators that I'm worthless or stupid; rather, they come up to enlighten me and make me stronger. Everything is useful; nothing is wasted. I stop questioning my presence in people's lives and simply try to show up as a blessing. I release worry and fear over my future, and work on simply living in today.

Now, of course, since this is all new to me, it is a practice. There's always something to work on, something to let go of. The big miracle here is that today I recognize that my life is valuable, and that your life is too, no matter what. When I am praised, I accept the praise at face value; when I am corrected or criticized, I try to be grateful for the lesson rather than taking it personally. Today I endeavor to live from the inside out, and each day I do that, I find more good stuff within me. 

I am grateful for the people in my life that saw who I really Am when I could not. I began to believe those folks and act as if they were telling me the Truth, and it looks like they really were. 

I am enough. I am worthy.

Namaste,

Ken



  

Letting It Happen (Cooperation with the Universe)

I like things that work consistently and reliably. I have reliable transportation to work (my car, walking, or my bike), the electricity in my home is reliable, my paychecks get deposited consistently every 2 weeks. The law of inertia is reliable, which comes in handy when playing sports or throwing one's unreliable cell phone.

Spiritual principles, when practiced consistently, are reliable as well. One of them that I have used consistently for the past couple of years that works reliably for me is Letting. Michael Bernard Beckwith claims that our spiritual connection can be boiled down to Letting Go (of those things that don't serve us well) and Letting In (of Spirit).  The abundance and power of the Universe is available to us now, but I have to unlearn and let go of my beliefs that restrict that abundance, and learn how to let the power in. Perhaps better said, I need to learn how to get in the flow and go with it.

I have an interview today to see if I can be admitted into the Wisconsin Certified Peer Specialist training. I've been wanting to do this for about a year and a half. A peer specialist is a person who is in recovery from a mental health condition and/or a substance use disorder who is trained and certified to work with his/her peers - others who have mental health conditions. I've put in the footwork to get to today. I filled out the application a couple of weeks ago, and I was pleasantly surprised that I did it with ease (my history is that I loathe filling out applications. I still haven't filled out the initial application to work at NAMI, and I've been working here about 9 months). My application was accepted, and I got on the list to be interviewed. I was reviewing the list - there were 140 applicants, and they're doing 48 interviews over the next few days to fill 18 spots. And I started fretting a bit, wondering what I needed to do to get in. 

I don't need to do anything other than show up and be me. I've already done the footwork and preparation. There's nothing left to do but show up and see what happens. That's what Letting is - I do the footwork, and leave the results to the Universe (God). As I've mentioned in other posts, my concern is only with the process - how am I showing up - not the outcome. I am confident about today, but my expectations are still to 'see what happens'.

My ego tells me that I need to wheedle, cajole, and manipulate to get what I want. My higher self tells me that all that wheedling will do is destroy my peace of mind, and my peace of mind is a requirement for my sobriety and mental health. It seems like an easy choice, but sometimes, when I really want something, it's not an easy choice.

The prerequisite to this practice is to be willing to see if what I've been told is correct - that, despite appearances and any core beliefs I might currently hold, the Universe is always conspiring for my greatest good. I don't have to be a 'good' guy, I don't have to be an excellent prayer and meditator, I simply have to be a part of the Universe. And I don't have to believe this with 100% of my heart - 51% will do. (However, the more I believe, the better it works). 

So, I will go forth today to that interview, be the best me that I can be, and see what happens, and then go from there.

Namaste,

Ken

Out on a Limb

I may have written about this before. I've been here before, sort of, so it's not necessarily new, but it still is amazing to me.

Twenty-one months or so ago, I gave up. I quit. I surrendered. My diseases had won - I was unable to function at any useful level. I was sick in body, mind, and spirit, and I was an abject failure - bankrupt in every sense of the word. So I agreed to do what was suggested to me. Why not? I had absolutely nothing left to lose.

In my previous attempts at recovery, and there have been many, I did what was suggested, if I felt it was a good idea, if it was in line with my thinking, and if it was convenient and did not impinge too much on my sense of self. Over the years, because of the negative consequences of my disorders, I became more and more willing to do more and more to recover. What I never, ever gave up before was my control over my life. Yes, I had consultants, and I even had a higher power that I consulted from time to time, but, in the end, I made choices based on what I felt was best for me, and, for me back then, the best I could do was protect myself. Above all else, my view of who I was and what I was about, no matter how flawed I was, must be protected, and any idea that threatened that protection was discarded.

When I began what I now call Total Recovery, I did not care anymore. I didn't care about living. I felt that I would never be able to live on my own, and I felt I would never be able to hold a job or do anything productive. I was so empty that I couldn't even commit a crime that would have landed me in prison, which would have been a good place for someone like me. I had nothing left inside. And, in order for me to recover, that's exactly where I needed to be.

"Freedom's just another word for nothin' left to lose." (Janis Joplin).  I adopted an attitude of non-resistance, which I wrote about in an earlier post. I was able to release judgment about my life and what was happening to me. I was homeless, jobless, in IOP (intensive outpatient treatment), and I neither liked nor disliked any of it. It just was. From that non-resistance grew acceptance, and I felt a glimmer of hope - life was happening, and I was still ok. Lots of other things began to happen, which I won't detail right now. The point is that my life was moving in a direction, and I wasn't resisting it at all.

Soon I found myself experiencing things that I had not experienced before in my life. Four months into my recovery, I became self-supporting and began to learn how to be responsible for my life. This was something that was new to me, and potentially scary. But I continued to allow myself to be led.

And that's what I mean by being out on a limb. I'm experiencing things in my life that I've never experienced before, at least not in the way that I'm experiencing them. I'm embracing life, instead of trying to escape life. I feel more whole and authentic than I've ever felt before, but I keep expanding and moving forward. I'm finding out who I am.

And the point, for me, of being out on a limb is two-fold: I must rely upon my Higher Power, because I'm in uncharted territory; additionally, the past 21 months of Total Recovery give me faith and courage to keep going in the direction that I'm headed.

I've still got things to let go of - old thought patterns, beliefs, and habits which no longer serve me. But I look at it differently today - I look at it as an adventure. And I've still got nothin' left to lose. 

Namaste,

Ken

Chaos Withdrawal

I have been going through something the past couple of months where I just don't feel right. Lately, it has manifested itself in a slight recurrence of depression symptoms - wanting to sleep, sleep, sleep, and dreading the future instead of looking forward to it. Fortunately, today I can look at my lack of enthusiasm and my lack of desire to become engaged with life as a symptom that something's not quite right rather than the way I used to look at those feelings - I used to feel like those feeling were the truth about me - that I was lazy and disinterested in life.

I think I know what part of it is - I recently changed my vocational activities. Previously, I had one full-time job at an inbound call center in Brookfield, and two part-time jobs in Waukesha. In January I released the call center job, and one of my other jobs became full-time. My call center job had hours all over the place, and I was always busy to some degree. Additionally, there were performance parameters at the call center job, and I had specific things to do with specific ways to do them. 

My new work schedule is pretty much 8:30 - 4:30 M-F, and then 8-4 Saturday and Sunday for my part-time job. Additionally, I have a lot more time on my hands, as the commute to either job is under 30 minutes each way. Way under, actually. That's pretty boring, very stable, not much to remember. 

I recently (yesterday) had a performance review at one of my jobs. It was excellent! I'm doing very well! Now if I can only convince myself! Neither of my current jobs have as many performance parameters as my old full-time job did. Certainly there are things at both jobs that I must do, but, for the most part, what I do each day and how I do it is largely determined by me, so long as it falls within my job descriptions and the policies and procedures of each of my employers. Other than the occasional emergency, there just isn't a lot of stress at either of my jobs. At my old full-time job, each day was stressful, but it was stress like exercise - like loading boxes onto a truck is stressful. When you're done for the day, you're done for the day.

So, that's great - I have plenty of stress-free work where I'm allowed to do stuff I enjoy and am good at. Great news! Unless I'm addicted to the cortisol created by daily stress - then it means I have to get used to a whole new way of life, and it might even (will be) uncomfortable.

"At the root of the addiction...is a reluctance to deal with ourselves on a deeper, more personal level. Cramming every moment of our lives with work, appointments and tasks means we don’t have to think about larger issues. And as it turns out, people will do almost anything to avoid themselves." Rachel Nuwer,  from the article I linked to.

So is that why my inner voice has been nudging me to meditate more, to exercise more, to make better use of my free time? Is that why my home is still disorganized, tho' I've lived there 2 months already? I may dream of a serenely creative life, but what does that really look like? I've never lived one of those before!

It's that big ugly word, fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of success, fear of responsibility. And all I know to overcome fear skillfully, is to consciously face it head on. To simply say, 'Damn the torpedos, full steam ahead!' and to let the chips fall where they may. 

Pain is an indicator that something needs to change. My indicators usually come through psychic pain. I don't like pain, and chemicals no longer work to alleviate my pain (except those produced by exercise, which is a good thing, I think), so I am left with changing whatever needs to be changed so I can live pain free (one of the reasons that I don't take a lot of credit for 'how far' I've come - you'd get pretty far, too, if you had a big grizzly bear named Pain on your ass!).

Mentally, I have to wrap my thoughts around, "I am doing a good job. I am exactly where I'm supposed to be, doing what I'm supposed to be doing." The only one complaining about my performance is me.

So, as usual, it's all good - I simply have to accept it.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Namaste,

Ken

Acceptance that I Have This...Thing

More on acceptance. Acceptance is such an important quality to have for recovery from probably any condition, but especially for recovery from a mental health condition (including addiction). Acceptance is a hard concept to define, to say exactly what it is. I can tell you what it looks like, and I can tell you what it doesn't look like. I can tell you when I am in acceptance and when I'm not. But I can't define it perfectly, and each person's path to acceptance looks different for each person.

I'm not depressed today (even though it's raining and winter is just around the corner). I'm not drinking alcohol or using other drugs today. So, how can I say I have the diseases of alcoholism and depression? My mind says, "I don't have a disease. I am perfectly healthy. My vital signs are perfect, my cholesterol is perfect, I've got no pain, there's no pus or discharge anywhere. I am disease free!" This is very true in this moment (other than the cold I have, but I wanted to use the statement above for an example), but if I allow this thinking to continue without qualifiers, I'll get sick again. If I don't add the statement, "because of all I'm doing to stay healthy," I'll get sick again. In other words, I'm in remission today from those things that have plagued me most of my life, and in order to stay in remission, there are certain things that I must do.

Many years ago, my 1st wife and I were looking into getting life insurance. We invited the insurance salesman into our home, and let him give his spiel. It turns out that, even though I was sober at that time, my life was not insurable by his company because I had been through treatment for alcoholism. I was outraged! I asked him, "You mean that if I were still drinking today and had not been through treatment, you could sell me a life insurance policy?" Yep.

Today I'm not outraged. Today I understand that my life expectancy is, well, to be honest, zero. I'm past it. If I take an honest look at my history, I cannot guarantee to anyone - my friends, my family, my employers, anyone - that I won't become self-destructive today to the point that I die. Of course, I can't guarantee that anybody won't pass away today; however, odds are better for me to go today than for a lot of people because, you see, I have this thing.

Now, I don't go charging into job interviews and first dates with this happy news. I don't preface every interaction I have with the warning, "Danger: if you get close to me and care for me or invest your time, money, and energy in me, I'm going to eventually disappoint and probably hurt you." I have a lot of hope today that the good things I'm doing for myself are going to keep me from becoming the Ken who dies from alcoholism or suicide. I'm about 95% certain today that if I do die today, it'll be from something else. That's kind of a crappy way to look at things, because it's not entirely optimistic. It is, however, realistic.

And I think that's a lot of what acceptance is for me today - the continuing knowledge that I'm on life support at this moment, and this life support consists of many things. If I stop doing something that I am doing for my recovery, I may start getting sick. And the really neat thing is I don't know what that something is. I don't know if there is a 'key' to my recovery. I prefer to think that it is a healthy mix of many things.

So, back to acceptance - I don't like saying, "I am an alcoholic," because today I'm not drinking alcoholically. I'm not drinking at all. I don't like saying, "I have depression," because today, I have none (I think). Very often I will tell peers that I am in recovery from alcoholism and mental illness. I'm functioning today, sober and relatively sanely, because I am currently doing the things I need to do to stay sober and sane. I'm not cured.

There's the joke about the doe that came staggering out of the woods, panting, her fur disheveled, and said, "Boy, that's the last time I do that for two bucks!" Chances are, if she liked any part of the experience, it's not the last time. My point being that with some things, I will never learn my lesson. Even though I have been severely beaten by alcohol, and my vast experience with it has been negative, I can't simply say, "I'm finished, and I'll never do that again." I have accepted that I will drink again, I'm bound and destined to drink again, unless I maintain a certain attitude (acceptance) and continue to practice a recovery lifestyle.

In other words, for me, acceptance is not permanent. Acceptance is something that is dynamic - ever changing depending upon what I'm doing or not doing, and what I'm inviting into my life. This is why it's difficult to define, and also difficult to come up with a specific formula to gain acceptance.

I do, however, know the basic ingredients of acceptance - self-honesty, humility, openmindedness, willingness, and surrender. I have to be able to take a realistic look at myself and my life; I have to be convinced that I can't think my way out of my situation, and that in and of myself, I am powerless to do anything about my situation; I have to understand that I need to do things that with which I'm not comfortable and to believe, at least a little, at first, that if I cooperate with the process, I'll be ok and things will get better.

And that's why recovery from mental health conditions is not easy. There's not one thing that needs to be done to recover, there are many things. I can't watch a Youtube video and figure out how it's done. Figuring out how it's done is a daily deal.

So, no matter if I call it a disease or anything else, I have this thing, and if I want to live happily and free, I must do certain other things. And that is acceptance. The good news is that pretty much everything I do, if not everything, to stay in recovery benefits me, makes my life rich and meaningful, and benefits others. So part of acceptance for me is continuing to do the things I do to stay in recovery and remain conscious on a daily basis of the things that are working in my life. It's a daily cycle, just like my drinking and my depression used to be. It's the other side of the coin, because I no longer fight myself or anything else; I accept, deal with, and overcome on a daily basis.

Namaste,

Ken

Moving from Non-Resistance to Acceptance

Non-resistance is the precursor to acceptance. Acceptance is important to recovery from addiction and recovery from mental health conditions. Additionally, acceptance is important for peace of mind for anyone, and is a requirement for spiritual growth. It's very difficult, if not impossible, to grow spiritually and still complain (inwardly or outwardly) about the things I find less-than-acceptable in my life or in myself.

Non-resistance came to mind recently while I was thinking about the 'early' days of my recovery. Non-resistance means simply taking things as they are without resistance and without judgment. I believe it is a Buddhist principle/practice.

When I first began my recovery, I could best be described as 'raw'. Everything bothered me, and if something didn't bother me, I was bothered by the fact that I wasn't bothered. I called my spiritual adviser daily, and I would tell him the things - the people, places, and situations - with whom I was practicing non-resistance. I knew acceptance was important, but I wasn't there yet. I still wasn't sure I could recover, and life still sucked, and I still sucked. But I was willing to give it a try, and I inched along with non-resistance.

After a while, I began to see that some of the situations I was experiencing and some of the people I was encountering were actually good for me, and not as bad as my addled mind made them out to be. Non-resistance began, ever so slowly, to turn into acceptance. 

Sometimes, I still practice non-resistance. Last Wednesday, as I was riding my bike to work, I got caught in a downpour and got wet. I practiced non-resistance, and set my mind purely on the facts: I'm wet, and it won't kill me. Then, later in the day, I got wet riding home from my haircut. Same thing. 

Today, I still have to practice acceptance - every day. And for me, it is the knowing that whatever is happening in my life is a natural consequence of a past action (or inaction) and/or it is for my highest good and the good of all. But I have to consciously do it; it doesn't come naturally, but it is getting easier. And the benefits I reap are that I have a lot less physical and emotional stress because I'm no longer fighting life. Life is more tolerable and even enjoyable sometimes than it ever used to be for me.

Namaste,

Ken