Courage to Be Who I Am

For so many years - over 1/2 a century, really - I lived from the deep seated, but very incorrect, belief that I am not good enough. A better way to put it is that this belief informed my life - my thoughts, my feelings, my actions. If I wasn't trying to prove to everybody that I was good enough, then I was wallowing in self-pity, depression, and active alcoholism.

I began learning a 'new' way to look at myself, others, and life about 23 years ago. I'm a slow learner. I'm a slow applicator. I catch on fairly quickly, but the great wall of inferiority, reinforced by addiction and mental illness, made applying these principles very difficult. (Fortunately, if one lives long enough, alcoholism/addiction defeats itself - the 'host' becomes so desperately sick and bankrupt that s/he must break free or die). Anyway, the basics of New Thought remind me of who I am and my place in the Universe - I am a spiritual being having a human experience. As a spiritual being, or, child of God, I have all of the attributes of my Creator. I am connected to all life everywhere. There is One Power that creates and flows through the Universe, and that Power is Love. All else is false, not real. Because I am a child of the Universe, a part of, I can never be anything else. The Universe lives through me (and everyone else) no matter what the appearances are, so I cannot 'fail'. I cannot be a failure, substandard, less than.

There is a lot more to all of this, of which I'm constantly learning and growing to a deeper understanding. This New Thought prompts me to question my 'reality'. Most of my life, my reality has been, "I suck, life sucks," and I made the best of it by finding ways to escape life, or to escape the consequences of life. I'm working on doing a 180, to the point where I can love life and love myself (and, it goes to follow, love everybody else). That 180 degree turn does not happen overnight. I liken it to turning an aircraft carrier around to go in the opposite direction. Anybody who has ever driven a boat knows that it's nearly impossible to turn a boat on a dime, and the bigger the boat, the more time it takes and the more room one needs.

So changing me at my core involves finding every thought and correcting every action that is not in line with the way I now want to be going. I expect it to take a lifetime!

What has to come first? For me, I had to challenge the assertion that I was a piece of shit. Seeing a cutesie poster hanging that says, "God made me and God don't make junk" didn't do it for me. I had to prove to myself that I am a valuable human being (as opposed to trying to con everyone around me into believing I'm a valuable human being). The way I began to do this was (and still is) to throw caution to the wind and present to the real world the real me, cracks and all.  And the result of this practice is this - the more authentically I show up in the world, it seems the more good people come into my life and the more good I'm able to do. Go figure! This goes exactly against everything I've ever believed about me. So, every time I practice authenticity, every time I face life rather than trying to escape it, I chip away at that belief that I'm not good enough.

This is not easy. It is still a challenge, mainly because I still have a belief that I must have everybody's approval. This is definitely an impossible belief - as I grow in understanding of Who I Am, and as I live from that understanding, there will be people who do not approve. My understanding of myself and life will threaten some people who have a different understanding, even when my understanding will make no negative impact on their lives. My understanding actually threatens a comfortable (but mediocre) belief system that many others prefer to cling to. So, I have to throw the need for approval from others out the window and move towards self-approval. Not an easy task!

This is why I do this: I've seen a quote somewhere that goes something like this - "Someone asked my why I've chosen this path, and I asked, "What makes you think I see another?" I do see other paths to take, but none of them are acceptable to me today. I see the path of suicide - I don't want to do that today. I see the path of substance use in order to live without really living - doesn't work for me anymore. I see the path of material acquisition - kinda been there, done that - doesn't work for me anymore either. So what I'm left with is becoming more of me. 

I hope that my living the way I do gives others courage to be real. Underneath all of our very human, fear-based beliefs is a bright shining light that is beautiful and good. Each day I'm able to perceive it and feel it a little bit more, both in me, you, and life.

Namaste,

Ken