I did something really strange (for me) today - I did something that will benefit me 10 years from now. It has to do with student loan repayment and yadda, yadda, yadda, that's not what this post is about. It's about believing that I have a future and trying to manage that future as best I can from today.
Most of my life I did not envision my future in any kind of realistic way. I certainly had wishes, daydreams, and pipe dreams, but none ever came true because:
- I believed I was undeserving of anything good;
- I believed I was incapable of attaining anything that 'normal' people had;
- The symptoms of my disorders did not allow me to live too much past surviving today.
A big part of the problem was that I was unable to recognize these factors at all, and, when I did recognize them, I didn't know how to change them, or even if it were possible. Basically, my life ran on autopilot, and the programming was not good. It took a lot for me to accept that I am responsible for my 'programming', whether I made it up on my own or whether it was given to me by someone else.
Here are some examples of good stuff I was unable to accomplish because deep down I didn't believe I could, or that I was worth it:
- Higher education - To date, I have attended 4 institutions of higher education and have earned something like 170 credits (which is more than enough to graduate with a bachelor's degree from any institution) but no degree.
- Marriage - I've been married and divorced twice. I joke that my cell phone contracts last longer than my marriages. I wasn't invested enough in these relationships to even try to change or grow with the relationship. I accepted defeat way too easily.
- Legal issues - I have 5 felonies on my record. The first felony would have turned into a misdemeanor if I had bothered to find a way to pay back the bad checks I wrote in the time given me to do so. The 3rd felony would have turned into a misdemeanor had I bothered to complete my probation, and I wouldn't have served my last prison term. It appears as though I just didn't care, but it goes deeper than that - I really do care about my freedom, but for the longest time I didn't feel I deserved it. I've punished myself more than anybody or any DOC ever could.
- Vocational issues - see marriage. I've had some fine jobs that never went anywhere because when the going got rough, I got going. I've never seen myself as an asset to any entity until recently.
- Sobriety - each time the symptoms of depression would reappear in force, I would relapse and return to drinking. Here I see that, because I was in denial that my symptoms were actually symptoms, and not the truth of my being, it was impossible for me to stay sober. When I felt suicidal, I really believed I was meant to die - so why stay sober? Today I can observe suicidal ideation and recognize it as a symptom - something going on that's not me.
So that's the short list. And it's not that I haven't experienced success in my life - I certainly have! It's just that I always turned it around into a failure, or quit when it got hard. And each time I failed at something that was supposed to be good, I added another layer of shame, making it even more probable that my next adventure was going to end in failure.
When I started my total recovery (recovery from alcoholism and major depressive disorder) I had people supporting me who believed in me, and I didn't think they were crazy. Bit by bit I began to get better, because I took up little goals and kept them, and saw them through to completion even if there were obstacles. With medication and therapy, I was able to discover the things within me that had previously held me back and learn to view them in the light of reality. I was able to focus on me getting better, rather than on getting a decent job, the right girlfriend, a nice place to live, etc.
Can I say something here? I cringe when working with a young person newly diagnosed and I hear them or their parents say, "I need to get a decent job. Help me find a good job." If your child had just suffered a major heart attack, would you want them to go out and get a good job to recover from it? Does that even come close to making any kind of sense? Yet when someone's brain presents with a disorder, we think a job will cure them. Oh-kay.
Thank you for allowing me to digress. So, I learned in recovery to focus on me getting better, and the rest of the things in my life seemed to fall into place. At the very beginning, I did what was suggested of me to get better out of a sense of surrender - I didn't have or know of anything better to do. Remember, I started recovery thinking that I would have to get on disability, that I'd have to live in a group home, and that I'd never work or be useful again. So I did these things with not a great deal of hope that anything would turn out differently than it ever has before. Early on in recovery I couldn't even look too far to the future (maybe 2 weeks?) without getting depressed. So I focused on today, and what can I do today.
I began to realize I could stay in recovery today, but I didn't have any real hope for tomorrow. After a couple years in recovery, I began to believe that I might have some kind of life ahead of me, and it was different than my pipe dreams and wishes of yore - this was real.
There are two kinds of living a day at a time. In active alcoholism and addiction, we survive - or, more accurately, our disease survives - a day at a time. Each day's concern is centered around our addiction, and getting through each day means avoiding anything that might interfere with the continuation of that addiction while doing whatever we need to do to feed that addiction. It's a pointless life, and eventually every addict realizes that it's pointless. Because it's pointless, there's very little joy or accomplishment, and the future is eclipsed by the very real needs our addiction presents to us today. Not a fun way to do 'one day at a time.'
In recovery, we learn about a different one day at a time. We learn that all we have to do is today is abstain from using our addictive substance. Then we learn that there are other things we can do and learn (our 'program') to make living without our substance easier. After practicing these things for a while, the practice gets easier, and we can begin looking, a day at a time, a little past abstinence and our recovery program at the things that make life life. We begin to be relieved of some of the problems we experienced, and can move on to developing things in our life that please us - things we can look forward to. In active addiction, or in depression, there's not a lot to look forward to.
For me, and, I think, for a lot of people, this is a long process. Recovery doesn't take place in days, weeks, or even months. I am quite sure for me that, if I live long enough, I have enough stuff to work on for years. The sad news is that some folks don't seem to have patience for the work this entails. The good news, for me, is that if I can keep recovery the central part of my life (thanks A.J.), I will enjoy my recovery along with the benefits it brings. And through it all, continue to understand that today is the most important day of my life.
In a little less than 3 weeks I will have been in continuous recovery for 3 years. This is the longest amount of recovery without relapse that I have experienced in my entire life. And here are some things that have developed that I never seem to have had previously. It's looking like I might actually value my life:
- I care enough about myself to present my best self to others.
- I care enough about myself to work consistently on my spirituality, which is a huge part of my recovery.
- I understand today that I could possibly live another 40 years (that's still a little tough to see), so I do things that aren't necessarily fun to do today, like abstaining from a certain food, or engaging in exercise, or putting off a purchase, because it'll help me in the long run.
- I understand that connections and relationships are extremely important to living happily both today and in the future, so I seek to foster the relationships I have, and, when conflict arises, I seek to work through the conflict. (I never said it was all fun and games).
- I look for ways to improve my brain health, knowing that I'm at an age where, in some people, brain health starts to decline.
- I look for ways to enjoy and appreciate life.
- I look for ways to develop, express, and share my talents and gifts.
- I look for ways to express my gratitude for all I've been given.
Two things to note: One, the above list is a short list, and two, the above list has nothing whatsoever to do with finding the right job, the right place to live, the right romantic partner, or the right car; however, I have all of those things right now too!
I'm learning to live like today could be the last day of my life and I could live forever.
Namasté,
Ken
