I've noticed another great benefit to recovery lately - I no longer have to compare myself to others. Having spent most of my life feeling 'less than' or 'not good enough' and having spent a great deal of energy trying to just appear good enough, this development comes as a great relief.
I notice it when I run across situations in which I know in the past I would have felt or reacted differently than the way I do today. Yesterday I was made aware of another person in recovery who blogs about recovery, as I do. Her name is Vanessa, and after reading her blog, Free to Be V, I posted it to my Pages I Like page. I like what she has to say about her recovery journey, and she communicates her story well through writing. Today I encourage anyone to share their authentic life experience. To me, that's a big part of the experience of living - to share with others our own experience.
I haven't always had this attitude. As far as writing goes, I've known how to write well since I was in high school, if not earlier. However, my fear of being judged and my belief that I'm not good enough overrode my love of writing for a really long time. After I quit my first university and went on to my second one, I thought I might join that university's writing club. I went to the first meeting, and I felt totally out of place and unwelcome (looking back on the experience, I'm pretty sure that 50-75% of this feeling, if not 100%, belonged to me and me alone). So I went back 'underground' (way underground) and would write only academic papers. Later on in life, when I had a lot of time to kill (because I was doing time), I began writing fiction. Additionally, I would write love letters for my fellow inmates who found writing difficult. The fiction I wrote during that time is long gone, never to be read by another soul. Perhaps the love letters I wrote made some positive impact. Then, when I went to my third university, I became an English major. I don't know if I failed at that, or just haven't completed my degree. Either way, I guess. I think I just don't school well.
I've admired some literary greats, and then there are some great authors that I can't stand reading. I love Stephen King, not only for his subject matter, but for his ability to touch me deeply through his writing. I know I can't write like Stephen King; that's Dean Koontz's job. My hope would be to touch others through my writing as deeply as Stephen King has touched me through his writing. Some other people who have touched me through their writing are the late Dr. Wayne Dyer, Richard Bach, Pam Grout, and Eugene Holden, to name just a few.
My aim, however, is not to reach the stature of these authors. My aim in creating and maintaining this blog was very simply to give myself a vehicle to write. As I mentioned a long time ago, I find journaling consistently difficult, because I have a hard time believing it does any good if I'm the only reader. The blog is a safe way to journal out loud and still remain relatively 'safe'; for instance, this version of the blog has 124 posts, and only a handful of comments. If I'm pissing people off, I'm not aware of it, and, if I were, what are they going to do about it? So it's a free, low-risk way for me to practice my craft.
Now my aim has changed slightly. Besides that handful of comments, I have had some face-to-face support from people who read this, and the feedback has been positive. I can also tell about how many people click on each post, when I figure out how to subtract the bots that troll my blog, and I see that I seem to have a steady readership. Most of you are anonymous, which works. So, anyway, my aim has changed a bit because I do recognize that people are reading this, so I do actually try to be a bit helpful. The evidence is that I might actually be helpful to others in helping myself. I know that's the case in other aspects of my life.
And this leads me to the spiritual aspect of today's post. For my recovery, I had to come to believe that I am connected to my higher power and to every other living being. We are One, and I am a part of, or an aspect of, that One. Which means that I'm important, to the extent that I am a piece of the One which helps make the One whole. It also means that you're important. It means that we are each unique individuals that make up this whole complete Thing. And, since we're all unique, and we all have our part to play in this thing, the idea of competition gets knocked out, and cooperation takes its place. What's good for me can't be bad for you, because we're connected and you're actually a part of me. It makes a whole lot more sense to cooperate and collaborate (be supportive of each other) than it does to compare and compete. There doesn't have to be a loser in this life.
So, all my feeling less-than and not good enough and apart from has no basis in the Truth, because I am me, and there is nobody in creation that can be a better me than I can be. And I can't be a better Stephen King than Stephen King can, and my recovery can be no better (or worse) than Vanessa's. It simply looks different, because we're each unique.
We are all a unique experience of the One, or God, if you like.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it, because I've found this way of living so much easier and so much more rewarding than the way I used to live. My desire for you is that you are enriched and rewarded on your journey too, and I support you in that.
Namaste,
Ken
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