***Trigger Warning*** - this post deals with triggers & urges to drink.
Yesterday, I was walking to the drugstore on a path that runs next to Prescott Valley's big drainage ditch (built for monsoon season to help avoid flash flooding). I use this path all the time, and like any public path, there is sometimes trash strewn about. At one point, less than a mile to my destination, I noticed a bottle (a fifth) of Wild Turkey Rye Whiskey laying in the grass; only I really noticed it. I fairly often see stuff of this nature on my walks, and I usually give stuff a half-second glance. The glance I gave the bottle yesterday was much more than a half-second, and that bottle and its contents looked good.
If you are a non-alcoholic or non-addict, you might wonder what the attraction was. I walk into gas stations and grocery stores that sell beer and liquor all the time. I rarely have an issue being in close proximity to sealed alcoholic products sitting innocently on the store shelves waiting for some customer to buy them. I know I'm not that customer.
Fortunately, this happened yesterday. If I had happened upon that bottle of Wild Turkey two weeks ago, I'm fairly certain that I would have taken advantage of it, because two weeks ago I was not in a good space mentally or spiritually. Yesterday I was doing pretty good.
So I carried on to my destination, and after I was done with my business, I began my return trip using the same path. I came upon the bottle of whiskey again, and I stopped. Again, I knew the problem for me - it was there. So I decided to pour it out. I picked up the bottle, and it was nearly full. I can't comprehend someone leaving a nearly full bottle of whiskey alone in the wilds - that's alcohol abuse! I went to unscrew the cap, and noted it wasn't a cap, it was a cork - classy! I pulled out the cork, and... I've done this before - poured bottles out for myself or for someone I'm helping, and there's always this one little point, this hesitation, where the decision, or the final answer is made... Do I drink it or do I pour it out; could go either way. And I chose to pour that whiskey out onto the ground. When the bottle was empty, I flung it back in the grass, and continued on my way.
I spoke with my recovery coach a few hours later and related the experience to him. He asked if I felt good for doing that, and I told him that I did. It was a good feeling making the better choice. And we talked a little more about it, and I talked about possibly disappointing the person who bought the bottle in the first place. But he said I did the right thing, because by physically pouring it out, I got it out of my mind. We also realized that I might have saved some kid from a bad day or a bad life by removing this opportunity to use alcohol; who knows.
I'm grateful for this experience, and experiences like them. They remind me that I still need to be mindful on my daily journey. Triggers, urges, cravings happen to anybody who stops using a substance to which they are addicted, and there is no shame in having them. Addiction is tied into the part of our brains that ensure our survival, so automatically desiring something we were addicted to when triggered is not at all unusual. As a recovering person, I need to remember to not always believe everything I think. If I do, I can lead myself into some very destructive behavior.
Urges and triggers are just thoughts; however, they're thoughts that affect the pleasure center of our brain, and they can turn into physical cravings or obsessions. It's important to deal with them before they become out of control. I dealt with this one by taking action opposite to my desire (pouring it out), and talking with someone who understands (honesty). By dealing with this situation in a skillful way, I'm able to move past it and relate the story as an incident that happened yesterday. Had I dealt with this unskillfully, it'd be a pretty good bet that today would have been much, much different, and that bottle, or at least the consequences from drinking it, would still be with me. I'm grateful for the tools to stay sober, and I'm even more grateful when I actually use them.
Thank you for reading. I hope this piece has shed some light for you on alcoholism. Please share this with others if you think it would help.
Namasté,
Ken
Showing posts with label Action. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Action. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 7, 2020
Sunday, December 1, 2019
What's Cooking Today?
My recovery is made up of many small actions and attitudes. It's not just about abstaining from drugs and alcohol, or taking my prescribed medication, though both of those are important. Abstaining from alcohol and taking my medication satisfies my doctor and my therapist, and, if I had one, my probation officer - but doing that and nothing else leaves me irritable, restless, and discontent.
What brought this topic on is that I cooked a meal today. I cooked it the week before as well. It's a keto diet recipe, and I've been working on going full keto for the past couple of months. I keep relapsing back into carbs. But that's not the point. What is remarkable about cooking two meals in the past couple of weeks is that it's been about 10 years since I've done any real cooking. I've been a lazy eater, choosing to eat foods that don't take much prep. Or eating utensils.
So a couple of weeks ago when I cooked, and again today, I really enjoyed the cooking. And the eating. There is something quite creative about taking a bunch of ingredients, putting them together in a certain way, and cooking them that brings some satisfaction to me (I'm not really up to joy yet - satisfaction is about as good as it gets). And then there's the satisfaction of eating what I've cooked - nourishing my body, my mind, and even my soul by consummating a cooking experience.
I found tearing myself away from web sudoku in order to prepare my meal to be a little bit challenging. My girlfriend's presence helped me to unglue myself from from the computer and get into the kitchen and engage in a 'live' activity. I should've taken a video and posted it to YouTube! But it is true that of late it's been difficult for me to put down the passive activities like surfing the web and playing computer games, and get up and do something that engages body, mind, and soul.
I've been avoiding using the 'l' word, because I'm not lazy, and calling myself lazy is pejorative, unhelpful, and incorrect. The periods of engaging in no meaningful activity are symptoms of depression. For me it's mild. For others, it can be as severe as avoiding personal hygiene tasks, eating, or even getting out of bed. I've not come across a medicine that will make me get and stay motivated, so I must do those things that I really don't want to do - otherwise, it's likely that I will get to the point of not being able to get out of bed.
Many years ago, I listened to a person in long-term recovery from alcoholism describe recovery as a recipe - that it's like making a cake. There are necessary ingredients and important instructions to follow lest the cake turn out crappy. In other words, to avoid having a less-than-desirable recovery, I must include certain attitudes and actions in my recovery.
Some of the ingredients that for me make a nice, full, enjoyable recovery (life) include, but aren't limited to:
What brought this topic on is that I cooked a meal today. I cooked it the week before as well. It's a keto diet recipe, and I've been working on going full keto for the past couple of months. I keep relapsing back into carbs. But that's not the point. What is remarkable about cooking two meals in the past couple of weeks is that it's been about 10 years since I've done any real cooking. I've been a lazy eater, choosing to eat foods that don't take much prep. Or eating utensils.
So a couple of weeks ago when I cooked, and again today, I really enjoyed the cooking. And the eating. There is something quite creative about taking a bunch of ingredients, putting them together in a certain way, and cooking them that brings some satisfaction to me (I'm not really up to joy yet - satisfaction is about as good as it gets). And then there's the satisfaction of eating what I've cooked - nourishing my body, my mind, and even my soul by consummating a cooking experience.
I found tearing myself away from web sudoku in order to prepare my meal to be a little bit challenging. My girlfriend's presence helped me to unglue myself from from the computer and get into the kitchen and engage in a 'live' activity. I should've taken a video and posted it to YouTube! But it is true that of late it's been difficult for me to put down the passive activities like surfing the web and playing computer games, and get up and do something that engages body, mind, and soul.
I've been avoiding using the 'l' word, because I'm not lazy, and calling myself lazy is pejorative, unhelpful, and incorrect. The periods of engaging in no meaningful activity are symptoms of depression. For me it's mild. For others, it can be as severe as avoiding personal hygiene tasks, eating, or even getting out of bed. I've not come across a medicine that will make me get and stay motivated, so I must do those things that I really don't want to do - otherwise, it's likely that I will get to the point of not being able to get out of bed.
Many years ago, I listened to a person in long-term recovery from alcoholism describe recovery as a recipe - that it's like making a cake. There are necessary ingredients and important instructions to follow lest the cake turn out crappy. In other words, to avoid having a less-than-desirable recovery, I must include certain attitudes and actions in my recovery.
Some of the ingredients that for me make a nice, full, enjoyable recovery (life) include, but aren't limited to:
- Abstaining from alcohol and other mood altering substances;
- Taking my medication as prescribed and consulting my psychiatrist (and others) before making any changes;
- Preparing and eating healthy, nutritious food that is satisfying and adds to my mental health and overall well-being;
- Contact with others in recovery, or others who want recovery, both in support group meetings and outside of meetings;
- Engaging in physical activity that I find challenging that strengthens my body and mind and makes me feel good (exercise). For me it is yoga, some weightlifting, and aerobic exercise like walking and bicycling. I don't run because the last time I did, the police caught me anyway;
- Engaging in creative hobbies or even vocations that utilize my talents and skills - like cooking, writing, and music;
- Nurturing my spiritual life through prayer, meditation, reading, counting my blessings, and helping others - and there are many ways to help others;
- Exercising my brain through reading and learning - some subjects of my interest are the latest neuroscience developments in mental health as well as what works best for nourishing my body and my brain;
- Having an job that engages as many of my skills and gifts as possible.
I think that's a good recipe for my recovery. It's good to make this list, because I see all of the healthy choices I have available to me, and I see some of the areas that could use a little more paying attention to. I still have the teenager's mind of, "There's nothin' to do," yet when I make this list I see I have a whole bunch to do.
Recovery is about alleviating the outer symptoms of my conditions, but it's also about developing and strengthening those characteristics within me that make this existence not only bearable, but enjoyable and fruitful.
Namasté,
Ken
Wednesday, January 9, 2019
Morning Manifesto 1/10
Thank You Source for another day to move closer to a true realization of my Oneness with You. As I move through this day, I commit to be of service to You and my fellows here on Earth. Thank You for granting me all I need and more to do Your will today.
As I move through today, show me what I need to do for myself to make me of maximum service to You and others. Grant me the courage to put You and me first - to treat my body and mind as a temple, and to nourish my Spirit with prayer and meditation. Show me how to be strong and steadfast in Your service.
Remind me today to look past appearances, and, like Mother Teresa, to look for you in all who come into my presence and my consciousness, knowing that You really are there. Also, teach me today what a precious bit of Creation I really am, despite what my brain might say to me. Let me grow this day into the realization that I am Your Beloved, and guide me every moment toward this realization.
I trust in You with all my heart, and lean not on my own understanding. I acknowledge You in all situations, knowing you guide me on my path. (Proverbs 3:5-6)
Today, through Your Love, strength, courage, and wisdom, I, like Winston Churchill, will never, never, never give up!
And so it is!
Namasté,
Ken
As I move through today, show me what I need to do for myself to make me of maximum service to You and others. Grant me the courage to put You and me first - to treat my body and mind as a temple, and to nourish my Spirit with prayer and meditation. Show me how to be strong and steadfast in Your service.
Remind me today to look past appearances, and, like Mother Teresa, to look for you in all who come into my presence and my consciousness, knowing that You really are there. Also, teach me today what a precious bit of Creation I really am, despite what my brain might say to me. Let me grow this day into the realization that I am Your Beloved, and guide me every moment toward this realization.
I trust in You with all my heart, and lean not on my own understanding. I acknowledge You in all situations, knowing you guide me on my path. (Proverbs 3:5-6)
Today, through Your Love, strength, courage, and wisdom, I, like Winston Churchill, will never, never, never give up!
And so it is!
Namasté,
Ken
Tuesday, September 4, 2018
Riding the Wave
It's been raining a lot lately, and communities in the region are experiencing flooding. If I find myself in a body of water that wasn't there before, or really any body of water, I've got a few choices. The easiest one, of course, is to let the water overwhelm me and drown. Another choice might be to thrash around and yell until somebody notices me and rescues me. Another might be just to sit or stand where I am and hope the water subsides or a rescue boat floats by. And perhaps a fourth choice would be to learn to swim - to understand that perhaps I can work with the water that surrounds me, use it to lift me up and maybe even carry me to dry land.
I mention this because I consciously tried something a little different today while at work. I came in to work today with my agenda of things I wanted to do, knowing full well that it was unlikely to go exactly as I wanted it to go. And, sure enough, today, for some reason, I was flooded with urgent calls that had nothing to do with what I planned to do. Part of my job is to take care of the callers, so that's what was mine to do. Really every time I got a call today, the phone would ring again halfway through the call with someone else needing assistance - they'd leave a message (or not, bless their heart), and I'd call back to assist them. And I log all of my calls too, so there's time used for that.
For those of us in recovery, stuff like this can throw us. Probably for everybody, but those of us in recovery need to be able to get back to some equilibrium - stress is something that needs attention so that we don't become symptomatic. Now, I don't freak out over lots of unexpected stuff to do, but it has in the past drained me quite a bit, and sometimes irritated me and lowered my emotional state.
I've been learning lately to put my emotional state - my 'vibe', as it were - first. That sounds counterproductive - isn't that what I did when I was actively using alcohol? Isn't that self-centered? Not when done properly with the right intention.
First of all, how am I viewing the flood? I learned early in recovery that what works best is to take things as they come, and not judge them as good or bad. Floods have their purpose, and, while not necessarily pleasant, they can have value. In other words, this is what is in front of me and it is mine to do - no bitching, whining, or trying to run away from it. I've had to re-learn this throughout recovery, because as I gain more stability and confidence and my skills sharpen, I'm prone to begin to believe again that I actually know what I'm doing and can run my own show. In other words, ego begins to grow. So I'm reminded as the waters rise that it's time for me to set aside what I wanted to do and take care of the business at hand as best I can.
One of the things I just thought of is that I have a 'reject' button on my phone that, when pressed, sends an incoming call right to voice mail. I'm grateful I didn't even think of doing that.
Anyway, as I'm taking care of this 'extra' business, I can feel the stress level in my body rise. A few months ago, I posted a video that talked about how stress can actually be beneficial when viewed and responded to correctly. So today, being conscious of my stress along with the direction my feeling state was headed, I was able to take some action to turn today's flood into a good experience, and the action I took was purely mental - all I did was instead of inwardly complaining about the calls and worrying whether I'd get 'my' stuff done, was I changed my attitude.
Everything is energy. We don't necessarily see it, but it is. So I had this unexpected energy coming at me today. My choices were to resist it as much as possible, escape it somehow, or, ride the wave of energy. When we resist, we're using our own energy to push against something, and we deplete ourselves. When I escape, I may save my energy, but I lower my emotional feeling state, and that can cause me to do negative things later on. If I can ride the energy coming at me, I can get through it until it dissipates, and not lose my own energy or my emotional well-being. Although I'm not a practitioner of the martial arts, I think that that's the same thing martial artists do. Be ok with the wave and just ride it.
Today is the first time I've intentionally done this, and it really worked well. Notice the wave, keep my emotional state 'above water' by not judging the wave, ride it and do what I have to do with it, and move on. And give thanks for the wherewithal to handle what comes my way.
One of the things to remember, I think, is when the wave is over, stop riding it. I handled all the calls and requests; the people who called have stuff to do on their end, but now it's theirs; I don't have to concern myself with it, and I can go back to doing what I was doing.
I'm really grateful for today's lesson.
Namasté,
Ken
I mention this because I consciously tried something a little different today while at work. I came in to work today with my agenda of things I wanted to do, knowing full well that it was unlikely to go exactly as I wanted it to go. And, sure enough, today, for some reason, I was flooded with urgent calls that had nothing to do with what I planned to do. Part of my job is to take care of the callers, so that's what was mine to do. Really every time I got a call today, the phone would ring again halfway through the call with someone else needing assistance - they'd leave a message (or not, bless their heart), and I'd call back to assist them. And I log all of my calls too, so there's time used for that.
For those of us in recovery, stuff like this can throw us. Probably for everybody, but those of us in recovery need to be able to get back to some equilibrium - stress is something that needs attention so that we don't become symptomatic. Now, I don't freak out over lots of unexpected stuff to do, but it has in the past drained me quite a bit, and sometimes irritated me and lowered my emotional state.
I've been learning lately to put my emotional state - my 'vibe', as it were - first. That sounds counterproductive - isn't that what I did when I was actively using alcohol? Isn't that self-centered? Not when done properly with the right intention.
First of all, how am I viewing the flood? I learned early in recovery that what works best is to take things as they come, and not judge them as good or bad. Floods have their purpose, and, while not necessarily pleasant, they can have value. In other words, this is what is in front of me and it is mine to do - no bitching, whining, or trying to run away from it. I've had to re-learn this throughout recovery, because as I gain more stability and confidence and my skills sharpen, I'm prone to begin to believe again that I actually know what I'm doing and can run my own show. In other words, ego begins to grow. So I'm reminded as the waters rise that it's time for me to set aside what I wanted to do and take care of the business at hand as best I can.
One of the things I just thought of is that I have a 'reject' button on my phone that, when pressed, sends an incoming call right to voice mail. I'm grateful I didn't even think of doing that.
Anyway, as I'm taking care of this 'extra' business, I can feel the stress level in my body rise. A few months ago, I posted a video that talked about how stress can actually be beneficial when viewed and responded to correctly. So today, being conscious of my stress along with the direction my feeling state was headed, I was able to take some action to turn today's flood into a good experience, and the action I took was purely mental - all I did was instead of inwardly complaining about the calls and worrying whether I'd get 'my' stuff done, was I changed my attitude.
Everything is energy. We don't necessarily see it, but it is. So I had this unexpected energy coming at me today. My choices were to resist it as much as possible, escape it somehow, or, ride the wave of energy. When we resist, we're using our own energy to push against something, and we deplete ourselves. When I escape, I may save my energy, but I lower my emotional feeling state, and that can cause me to do negative things later on. If I can ride the energy coming at me, I can get through it until it dissipates, and not lose my own energy or my emotional well-being. Although I'm not a practitioner of the martial arts, I think that that's the same thing martial artists do. Be ok with the wave and just ride it.
Today is the first time I've intentionally done this, and it really worked well. Notice the wave, keep my emotional state 'above water' by not judging the wave, ride it and do what I have to do with it, and move on. And give thanks for the wherewithal to handle what comes my way.
One of the things to remember, I think, is when the wave is over, stop riding it. I handled all the calls and requests; the people who called have stuff to do on their end, but now it's theirs; I don't have to concern myself with it, and I can go back to doing what I was doing.
I'm really grateful for today's lesson.
Namasté,
Ken
Thursday, June 28, 2018
Don't Believe Everything You Think
I'm not firing on all cylinders right now. That's actually a very accurate description - at this moment, some of the synapses in my brain are not firing, and as a result, I have lost my desire to engage in life - temporarily. Now, before you go calling 911, let me say that I am not in any danger, and I will do what I have to do and hang in there until things return to a good operating condition.
But this episode presents an excellent educational opportunity, at least for me, and possibly for someone who might read this. You see, there's nothing 'bad' going on in my life right now. I'm sober, I'm working, I have friends, I have a home - life is good. And there's the first problem - my brain right now is telling me that life sucks, this is pointless, why am I even here, yet there's nothing 'out there' wrong - there's gotta be something terribly wrong about me! And that's the shame of mental illness - "what's wrong with me that I feel so crappy?" By the way, my current state is clinically called anhedonia - the inability to experience pleasure.
I understand what's going on. That's my advantage. My other advantage is that I have support that understands. In the past if I felt this way I would have taken alcohol or drugs - doing that would have made me feel again. Today that's a pretty drastic thing to do, because, for me, using alcohol or drugs could be a permanent, self-destructive solution to a temporary problem. As I mentioned earlier, I really have no problems outside of my head; if I used alcohol or drugs to alleviate the problem inside my head, there's a 99% probability that I'd have outside problems as well - financial, legal, health, social - the whole 9 yards. I don't own a car today, which makes it more difficult (but not impossible) to get a DUI, but there's more than that I'd have to worry about if I drank alcohol today.
Days like today are why I harp on others who want to recover from mental health conditions and alcoholism/addiction about having a multi-faceted recovery, which includes medication, where indicated, support, self-care habits, and education. In recovery we aren't guaranteed that every day is going to be unicorns and rainbows. Some days are tough. So, if when I'm feeling better, I stop doing the things that got me feeling better, I'm setting myself up for a big fall. The things I do when I'm feeling good and normal and sane are insurance for days like today. I've got to pay attention to the long run, as well as today.
I'm not yet sure what I will do today to deal with the way things are in my brain, but I commit to only do things that are neutral to constructive. I will abstain from doing what I know doesn't work in the long run. And I commit to writing about what worked in the next few days.
Namasté,
Ken
But this episode presents an excellent educational opportunity, at least for me, and possibly for someone who might read this. You see, there's nothing 'bad' going on in my life right now. I'm sober, I'm working, I have friends, I have a home - life is good. And there's the first problem - my brain right now is telling me that life sucks, this is pointless, why am I even here, yet there's nothing 'out there' wrong - there's gotta be something terribly wrong about me! And that's the shame of mental illness - "what's wrong with me that I feel so crappy?" By the way, my current state is clinically called anhedonia - the inability to experience pleasure.
I understand what's going on. That's my advantage. My other advantage is that I have support that understands. In the past if I felt this way I would have taken alcohol or drugs - doing that would have made me feel again. Today that's a pretty drastic thing to do, because, for me, using alcohol or drugs could be a permanent, self-destructive solution to a temporary problem. As I mentioned earlier, I really have no problems outside of my head; if I used alcohol or drugs to alleviate the problem inside my head, there's a 99% probability that I'd have outside problems as well - financial, legal, health, social - the whole 9 yards. I don't own a car today, which makes it more difficult (but not impossible) to get a DUI, but there's more than that I'd have to worry about if I drank alcohol today.
Days like today are why I harp on others who want to recover from mental health conditions and alcoholism/addiction about having a multi-faceted recovery, which includes medication, where indicated, support, self-care habits, and education. In recovery we aren't guaranteed that every day is going to be unicorns and rainbows. Some days are tough. So, if when I'm feeling better, I stop doing the things that got me feeling better, I'm setting myself up for a big fall. The things I do when I'm feeling good and normal and sane are insurance for days like today. I've got to pay attention to the long run, as well as today.
I'm not yet sure what I will do today to deal with the way things are in my brain, but I commit to only do things that are neutral to constructive. I will abstain from doing what I know doesn't work in the long run. And I commit to writing about what worked in the next few days.
Namasté,
Ken
Tuesday, March 6, 2018
Riding Uphill
If nothing else, what I have gained in nearly 3 years of recovery is a better perspective.
Some years ago, I trained for and rode in the MS 150, which is a 2 day 150 mile bike ride to benefit the Multiple Sclerosis Society. One of the things that I learned is that training for something physical is 90% mental. Part of training, as well as the ride itself, is hills. Now, on a perfectly flat surface, it's fairly easy, if one's muscles are used to it, to ride at a good clip for a long way. However, I don't live in Kansas, I live in Wisconsin; which means part of the ride is going to include some hills. Riding uphill is tough. It hurts. I did learn that riding as hard as I can to the top, where my chest hurts, I can hardly breathe, and I think I might have to call 911, is not the best way to train on hills. The best way, for me, is to not look too far ahead, gear down, and send conscious signals to my legs to pump, pump, pump. I don't enjoy hills. I do know that practicing on hills makes them easier to climb, but I still don't look forward to the challenge. They're tough, and I don't really feel like doing tough things.
So why do it? Because it's part of riding, and overall I enjoy riding. That's just the way it is. Also, riding the hills gives me a sense of accomplishment, and it makes me stronger and healthier. Also, usually, once I get to the top of a hill, there is a downhill portion in which I can go fast and pedal lightly, or not pedal at all. The ride downhill is the reward for the ride uphill. Sometimes, after the top of a hill, there's a plateau and then another hill. Do I stop, get off my bike, sit down on the side of the road and cry? Sometimes I feel like it, but no, I don't. Somewhere down the line there's going to be the downhill coast, where I can go 25 mph (or faster) using only gravity. It's there. But I never would have found that if I had quit (like I felt like doing) on the uphill portion.
Often people on a spiritual path in recovery, like myself, find points in life where life seems so easy! It's wonderful! Everything's going my way! And then we come to a hill. Or maybe even something that seems like a brick wall. And we falter. Often, to someone who is new in recovery, this time of struggle can be a big enough letdown to cause that person to give up. But if one has the support of people who have been there, one may get enough courage to see the struggle through. Sometimes, if a person has God as their Higher Power, they might feel that God has abandoned them. Things were going so good! And then God just pulled the rug out! Wtf! If one doesn't at least believe there is a purpose to or a reason for the struggle, one can be inclined to give up. Or think they've lost their connection, or they're no longer spiritual, or they're not even in recovery because they're not feeling it. But the struggle is exactly like the hill on a bicycle ride, and if one shortens their vision to what is in front of them, and keeps moving one step at a time, that person finds their way to the other side, to the 'blessing'. And then they're feeling it again! Personally, I don't believe God hands out struggles. I think I have things to learn, that are mine to learn, on this journey. And I have come to the conclusion that I can learn them now, or learn them in the next lifetime. The next lifetime is unknown to me, so it's preferable (really the lesser of two evils right now) for me to learn in the here and now, where at least I have some idea of what's going on.
I went to a work function tonight. It was a really nice evening that turned out well. People enjoyed themselves, I was surrounded by a lot of really great people, many of whom are friends of mine, the food was good, awards were handed out, and it was as enjoyable as last year's function. And you know what? I wasn't feeling it. But, because of the experience I've gained in recovery, I didn't behave like I wasn't feeling it. Recovery teaches me to suit up and show up, almost without exception. I could show up and do my part well and not have to miss it or piss on anyone's parade because I wasn't feeling it. In the past, I would have taken the way I felt as a sign that I'm not really in recovery, I'm just a big fake, and I'm really a useless piece of shit that might as well not even be here. I don't have to take it that way anymore. Today I can recognize a symptom of my dis-ease - one of the symptoms of depression is not being able to get pleasure from pleasurable things. Anything that I would have done tonight to change the way I felt would have made things much much worse. Instead, what I've learned to do is to carry on - to continue that uphill ride, whether my body or my brain is telling me, "Give up! Stop! Lay your bike down, sit down, and cry!" Because my soul knows that after this hill, if there's not a downhill run, there's at least a plateau before the next hill.
We honored a lot of people tonight, and one of the awards we give is named for a person who died from his illness. His memory lives on. And, to be very honest, I considered whether it would be better for me to be a memory. My decision right now is that it would not; there are people in my life whose lives I touch in a positive way. There are living people who are genuinely appreciative of my presence. So even when I'm not feeling it, I know that my life - that I - make a positive difference on Earth today.
And the way I felt, or have been feeling recently, is not indicative of the quality of my recovery. When first riding the bicycle, even the slightest uphill grade feels tough. After a few hills, we tackle bigger ones. I was out in Colorado once during some bike race, and these guys (and gals, too) were riding up and down this mountain. I can't even imagine! But I saw it, so it must be possible.
Sometimes I wonder if my dis-ease it not so much battling or struggling through the lows as it is learning to get rid of the unrealistic idea that life should (there's that s-word, indicative of an unrealistic expectation) be easy. If someone else's life looks easy to me, it only means that I haven't bothered to investigate. In The Road Less Traveled, M Scott Peck wrote, “Life is difficult. This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult - once we truly understand and accept it - then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters.”
So, no, the way I feel is not necessarily reflective of the quality of my recovery, the quality of my life. It can be an indicator that I need to change something, or it could just be an indicator that I'm going through a growth period right now, and the (temporarily) easy ride is just over the hill.
The truth of the matter is that it doesn't matter what I feel like; what matters is how I show up. And I showed up today, and I'm very grateful I did. My feelings, in this case, do not reflect reality. Reality is in what I do. And, to me, that's recovery.
Namasté,
Ken
Some years ago, I trained for and rode in the MS 150, which is a 2 day 150 mile bike ride to benefit the Multiple Sclerosis Society. One of the things that I learned is that training for something physical is 90% mental. Part of training, as well as the ride itself, is hills. Now, on a perfectly flat surface, it's fairly easy, if one's muscles are used to it, to ride at a good clip for a long way. However, I don't live in Kansas, I live in Wisconsin; which means part of the ride is going to include some hills. Riding uphill is tough. It hurts. I did learn that riding as hard as I can to the top, where my chest hurts, I can hardly breathe, and I think I might have to call 911, is not the best way to train on hills. The best way, for me, is to not look too far ahead, gear down, and send conscious signals to my legs to pump, pump, pump. I don't enjoy hills. I do know that practicing on hills makes them easier to climb, but I still don't look forward to the challenge. They're tough, and I don't really feel like doing tough things.
So why do it? Because it's part of riding, and overall I enjoy riding. That's just the way it is. Also, riding the hills gives me a sense of accomplishment, and it makes me stronger and healthier. Also, usually, once I get to the top of a hill, there is a downhill portion in which I can go fast and pedal lightly, or not pedal at all. The ride downhill is the reward for the ride uphill. Sometimes, after the top of a hill, there's a plateau and then another hill. Do I stop, get off my bike, sit down on the side of the road and cry? Sometimes I feel like it, but no, I don't. Somewhere down the line there's going to be the downhill coast, where I can go 25 mph (or faster) using only gravity. It's there. But I never would have found that if I had quit (like I felt like doing) on the uphill portion.
Often people on a spiritual path in recovery, like myself, find points in life where life seems so easy! It's wonderful! Everything's going my way! And then we come to a hill. Or maybe even something that seems like a brick wall. And we falter. Often, to someone who is new in recovery, this time of struggle can be a big enough letdown to cause that person to give up. But if one has the support of people who have been there, one may get enough courage to see the struggle through. Sometimes, if a person has God as their Higher Power, they might feel that God has abandoned them. Things were going so good! And then God just pulled the rug out! Wtf! If one doesn't at least believe there is a purpose to or a reason for the struggle, one can be inclined to give up. Or think they've lost their connection, or they're no longer spiritual, or they're not even in recovery because they're not feeling it. But the struggle is exactly like the hill on a bicycle ride, and if one shortens their vision to what is in front of them, and keeps moving one step at a time, that person finds their way to the other side, to the 'blessing'. And then they're feeling it again! Personally, I don't believe God hands out struggles. I think I have things to learn, that are mine to learn, on this journey. And I have come to the conclusion that I can learn them now, or learn them in the next lifetime. The next lifetime is unknown to me, so it's preferable (really the lesser of two evils right now) for me to learn in the here and now, where at least I have some idea of what's going on.
I went to a work function tonight. It was a really nice evening that turned out well. People enjoyed themselves, I was surrounded by a lot of really great people, many of whom are friends of mine, the food was good, awards were handed out, and it was as enjoyable as last year's function. And you know what? I wasn't feeling it. But, because of the experience I've gained in recovery, I didn't behave like I wasn't feeling it. Recovery teaches me to suit up and show up, almost without exception. I could show up and do my part well and not have to miss it or piss on anyone's parade because I wasn't feeling it. In the past, I would have taken the way I felt as a sign that I'm not really in recovery, I'm just a big fake, and I'm really a useless piece of shit that might as well not even be here. I don't have to take it that way anymore. Today I can recognize a symptom of my dis-ease - one of the symptoms of depression is not being able to get pleasure from pleasurable things. Anything that I would have done tonight to change the way I felt would have made things much much worse. Instead, what I've learned to do is to carry on - to continue that uphill ride, whether my body or my brain is telling me, "Give up! Stop! Lay your bike down, sit down, and cry!" Because my soul knows that after this hill, if there's not a downhill run, there's at least a plateau before the next hill.
We honored a lot of people tonight, and one of the awards we give is named for a person who died from his illness. His memory lives on. And, to be very honest, I considered whether it would be better for me to be a memory. My decision right now is that it would not; there are people in my life whose lives I touch in a positive way. There are living people who are genuinely appreciative of my presence. So even when I'm not feeling it, I know that my life - that I - make a positive difference on Earth today.
And the way I felt, or have been feeling recently, is not indicative of the quality of my recovery. When first riding the bicycle, even the slightest uphill grade feels tough. After a few hills, we tackle bigger ones. I was out in Colorado once during some bike race, and these guys (and gals, too) were riding up and down this mountain. I can't even imagine! But I saw it, so it must be possible.
Sometimes I wonder if my dis-ease it not so much battling or struggling through the lows as it is learning to get rid of the unrealistic idea that life should (there's that s-word, indicative of an unrealistic expectation) be easy. If someone else's life looks easy to me, it only means that I haven't bothered to investigate. In The Road Less Traveled, M Scott Peck wrote, “Life is difficult. This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult - once we truly understand and accept it - then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters.”
So, no, the way I feel is not necessarily reflective of the quality of my recovery, the quality of my life. It can be an indicator that I need to change something, or it could just be an indicator that I'm going through a growth period right now, and the (temporarily) easy ride is just over the hill.
The truth of the matter is that it doesn't matter what I feel like; what matters is how I show up. And I showed up today, and I'm very grateful I did. My feelings, in this case, do not reflect reality. Reality is in what I do. And, to me, that's recovery.
Namasté,
Ken
Sunday, February 25, 2018
How Long or How Many?
Something that bothers me from time to time is the habit of measuring sobriety or abstinence by time. Very often one hears, "I've got 90 days!" or "I've got a year!" I know people in recovery that haven't had a drink or a mood altering drug in over 40 years. Length of abstinence is important - it shows others that recovery is possible, and it shows a certain amount of character.
I mentioned that I know people who have managed to remain abstinent for decades. A few of those people I would not want to be with in the same room - they're toxic. Length of sobriety is not the same as quality of sobriety (or quality of life); however, up until now, because I've never been able to string more than a couple of years of abstinence together, I haven't had much to say about it. I do now, because I understand recovery is about learning to live from the inside out.
Length of sobriety is important to people just starting out, and important to all the other people in the alcoholic's/addict's life. Length of sobriety is important to one's parole officer, boss, domestic partner, family, and any non-alcoholic/addict with whom I share my sobriety. But because the time away from mood-altering drugs is only a very small factor in how I'm really doing, it's not important to me.
Here is a short list of some things I ask myself about my recovery, and the questions, rather than starting with "How long," begin with "How many."
I mentioned that I know people who have managed to remain abstinent for decades. A few of those people I would not want to be with in the same room - they're toxic. Length of sobriety is not the same as quality of sobriety (or quality of life); however, up until now, because I've never been able to string more than a couple of years of abstinence together, I haven't had much to say about it. I do now, because I understand recovery is about learning to live from the inside out.
Length of sobriety is important to people just starting out, and important to all the other people in the alcoholic's/addict's life. Length of sobriety is important to one's parole officer, boss, domestic partner, family, and any non-alcoholic/addict with whom I share my sobriety. But because the time away from mood-altering drugs is only a very small factor in how I'm really doing, it's not important to me.
Here is a short list of some things I ask myself about my recovery, and the questions, rather than starting with "How long," begin with "How many."
- How many opportunities have I taken to share my story with someone else contemplating sobriety?
- How many times have I admitted I was wrong?
- How many times have I told the truth when what I really wanted to do was cover up my actions or my embarrassment?
- How many times have I attended support groups to share recovery with others?
- How many times have I said, "I don't know," when I didn't know?
- How many times have I picked up someone else's litter without complaint?
- How many times have I done the right thing, even though it was harder and more scary than doing what first came to mind?
- How many times have I wanted to give up, but instead called someone, or prayed, or simply persevered?
- How many times have I set aside my wants to be of service?
- How many times have I paid an obligation before buying something I wanted?
- How many times have I taken constructive criticism without becoming angry or resentful?
- How many jobs have I had since I got sober? How many girlfriends/boyfriends? Cars? Apartments or rooms?
- How many times have I dared to travel the road less traveled?
- How many times have I spoken up about something important, even though it might make me unpopular?
- How many times did I do what my mentors suggested, even though I didn't believe it would work?
- How many times did I seek out people rather than isolate?
- How many times have I given someone the benefit of the doubt when I thought they had wronged me?
- How many times have I prayed for people I really can't stand?
- How many times have I attempted to make an honest connection with another human being?
And the list can actually go on and on and on.
How long has it been since I had a drink of alcohol? 33 months and a couple of days, which is the longest stream of continuous sobriety I've experienced. That's great, wonderful, but the really miraculous part of that time is how many of those 'how many' questions I can answer positively.
I've already gotten through all of the hard days in my life, and I've survived! So the hardest day of my sobriety, and the only one that matters to me, is today. If I apply what I've learned along this journey, it'll be a great day. If I don't, and just stay home and do nothing, who knows?
Namasté,
Ken
Monday, January 29, 2018
Remnants, Symptoms, & Actions
Years ago, during my first treatment for alcoholism, I completed the MMPI - the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory. It is an exhaustive questionnaire designed to determine what mental health issues a person may have. From the results, I was diagnosed with Schizoid Personality Disorder. As I look back on that, I wonder why nothing was ever recommended for that. I didn't do any counseling or anything to address that. Anyway, some of the symptoms are social isolation, a lack of close friends, a limited range of emotions, and an avoidance of relationships. There's more, but that about covers it, except that one of the symptoms is also lack of knowledge that there's anything wrong.
I am fortunate today that I no longer suffer from alcoholism, major depressive disorder, or schizoid personality disorder. I still have them, but in recovery I don't suffer from them, and this is the distinction. The symptoms of my disorders no longer rule my life.
I did not actively attempt to recover from SPD (schizoid personality disorder). I believe that my attempts at recovery from alcoholism overrode the main symptoms of SPD, as much of recovery from alcoholism involves doing things that are opposite the symptoms of SPD. Much of alcoholism/addiction recovery, and I believe recovery from mental health disorders, revolves around taking actions that we don't necessarily feel like doing.
And this is one of the ways I know I'm in recovery - not necessarily by how I feel, but what I am doing. Am I doing something today that makes me feel uncomfortable? Good! If I do only the things with which I feel comfortable, I won't stay in recovery.
My mornings have gotten a lot better, but every day when I wake up, I still would feel more comfortable staying in bed than getting up and facing the day. That is a remnant of major depressive disorder. It becomes a symptom again if I actually stay in bed and miss work or something else I have planned for the day.
I don't much care for social events, and I feel that I could live without them. This is a remnant of SPD, and possibly alcoholism. It becomes a symptom again if I avoid social events which would be good for me.
I get uncomfortable when I feel myself getting close to someone. This is a remnant of SPD. It becomes a symptom when I actively avoid opportunities presented to me to develop friendships.
The list goes on and on, but I define my recovery more on what I'm doing than by what I'm feeling. In this way, my focus is on healthy things, not on symptoms. One of the laws of the Universe is that that which I focus on increases. So, for instance, if I focus on the feeling I have every morning that I'd rather stay in bed, I'm going to have a lot more difficulty actually getting up. If I change my focus in the morning to the benefits of getting out of bed, like keeping my job and getting paid and eating and having a home, then that's what happens, and the desire to stay in bed dissipates. I can recall days past in which all day long my desire was to go back to bed. I no longer have that.
I don't mind the remnants anymore. I've come to accept that I may still feel these unhealthy things - the blessing is that today, I know I can take healthy actions that are different than what I'm feeling. In this way, my unhealthy feelings no longer determine how I show up today.
By the way, if the day ever comes where I am 100% happy with me and my life, and I never feel anything negative or think about unhealthy things, please be assured that I will let you know!
Namaste,
Ken
I am fortunate today that I no longer suffer from alcoholism, major depressive disorder, or schizoid personality disorder. I still have them, but in recovery I don't suffer from them, and this is the distinction. The symptoms of my disorders no longer rule my life.
I did not actively attempt to recover from SPD (schizoid personality disorder). I believe that my attempts at recovery from alcoholism overrode the main symptoms of SPD, as much of recovery from alcoholism involves doing things that are opposite the symptoms of SPD. Much of alcoholism/addiction recovery, and I believe recovery from mental health disorders, revolves around taking actions that we don't necessarily feel like doing.
And this is one of the ways I know I'm in recovery - not necessarily by how I feel, but what I am doing. Am I doing something today that makes me feel uncomfortable? Good! If I do only the things with which I feel comfortable, I won't stay in recovery.
My mornings have gotten a lot better, but every day when I wake up, I still would feel more comfortable staying in bed than getting up and facing the day. That is a remnant of major depressive disorder. It becomes a symptom again if I actually stay in bed and miss work or something else I have planned for the day.
I don't much care for social events, and I feel that I could live without them. This is a remnant of SPD, and possibly alcoholism. It becomes a symptom again if I avoid social events which would be good for me.
I get uncomfortable when I feel myself getting close to someone. This is a remnant of SPD. It becomes a symptom when I actively avoid opportunities presented to me to develop friendships.
The list goes on and on, but I define my recovery more on what I'm doing than by what I'm feeling. In this way, my focus is on healthy things, not on symptoms. One of the laws of the Universe is that that which I focus on increases. So, for instance, if I focus on the feeling I have every morning that I'd rather stay in bed, I'm going to have a lot more difficulty actually getting up. If I change my focus in the morning to the benefits of getting out of bed, like keeping my job and getting paid and eating and having a home, then that's what happens, and the desire to stay in bed dissipates. I can recall days past in which all day long my desire was to go back to bed. I no longer have that.
I don't mind the remnants anymore. I've come to accept that I may still feel these unhealthy things - the blessing is that today, I know I can take healthy actions that are different than what I'm feeling. In this way, my unhealthy feelings no longer determine how I show up today.
By the way, if the day ever comes where I am 100% happy with me and my life, and I never feel anything negative or think about unhealthy things, please be assured that I will let you know!
Namaste,
Ken
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