The Challenge of Medication

I'm currently in an outpatient treatment program, and have a new psychiatrist. He's a good psychiatrist; he possesses one of the most important yet rare traits a good physician can possess - he knows how to listen. At any rate, after many questions regarding my life and my condition, he has prescribed 4 medications for me. This is the greatest amount of medications I've ever been on at one time in my life, and it presents a challenge for me.

If you've read the white space in my blog, you might know that deep down, I want to be dependent only upon the Christ Presence within - that is, the unique individuation of the Universe that I Am. I'm not there yet. 

During this current outpatient treatment, I'm not only releasing my dependency upon alcohol, I'm releasing my dependency upon nicotine and pseudoephedrine, an over-the-counter (but controlled) nasal decongestant and antihistamine. It's mood-altering because of its stimulant properties and it seems to be habit forming, at least for me. Pseudoephedrine is also one of the ingredients used to make methamphetamine. I suppose caffeine and sugar are next on the chopping block - they're both mood-altering for me.

So I may be sober, but not really, because I still rely upon substances to get through life, to get through the way I feel. And my good doctor is telling me, "Get off of that stuff (the stuff that in the long run no longer works and will make me sick or kill me) and get on this stuff (the stuff that is sold by pharmaceutical companies and works today and doesn't make me sick yet)." 

And this is the challenge: I know deep down that the chemical and culinary methods I've been using to stay sane don't work to well anymore (if at all) and I don't have a lot of faith that the medication regimen that I'm on now will work forever and ever, and I don't want to get hooked into the pharmaceutical merry-go-round, which really isn't all that merry. Added to this challenge is the fact that on my current regimen of medications, I'm feeling better than I have in a long, long, time, if ever. I was walking today in the frigid weather, and I was making up a song, out loud, as I walked! It's been years and years since I've done that! And there's a lot of other stuff happening in my life that indicates the cloud is lifting.

The clouds might lift, but they always seem to be waiting in the wings to return (that's depressing, isn't it?). So what's the answer to the challenge that I'm feeling great now, but because of the temporary nature of solutions that originate from outside of me, I'm bound to fall again? I believe the answer is in proper self care along with putting first my recovery and learning to live, not just know, my connection with the Universe. All the answers are hidden within; my task, while I'm feeling weller, is to go within and earnestly seek. In this way, I will know what to do when the medications' effects begin to wane. 

In the next post, The Challenge of Self-Care (which will be linked just as soon as it's written), I'll discuss how I might go about developing habits which reduce the need for chemical relief from life.

Namasté,

Ken

Don't Believe Everything You Think

I'm not firing on all cylinders right now. That's actually a very accurate description - at this moment, some of the synapses in my brain are not firing, and as a result, I have lost my desire to engage in life - temporarily. Now, before you go calling 911, let me say that I am not in any danger, and I will do what I have to do and hang in there until things return to a good operating condition.

But this episode presents an excellent educational opportunity, at least for me, and possibly for someone who might read this. You see, there's nothing 'bad' going on in my life right now. I'm sober, I'm working, I have friends, I have a home - life is good. And there's the first problem - my brain right now is telling me that life sucks, this is pointless, why am I even here, yet there's nothing 'out there' wrong - there's gotta be something terribly wrong about me! And that's the shame of mental illness - "what's wrong with me that I feel so crappy?" By the way, my current state is clinically called anhedonia - the inability to experience pleasure. 

I understand what's going on. That's my advantage. My other advantage is that I have support that understands. In the past if I felt this way I would have taken alcohol or drugs - doing that would have made me feel again. Today that's a pretty drastic thing to do, because, for me, using alcohol or drugs could be a permanent, self-destructive  solution to a temporary problem. As I mentioned earlier, I really have no problems outside of my head; if I used alcohol or drugs to alleviate the problem inside my head, there's a 99% probability that I'd have outside problems as well - financial, legal, health, social - the whole 9 yards. I don't own a car today, which makes it more difficult (but not impossible) to get a DUI, but there's more than that I'd have to worry about if I drank alcohol today.

Days like today are why I harp on others who want to recover from mental health conditions and alcoholism/addiction about having a multi-faceted recovery, which includes medication, where indicated, support, self-care habits, and education. In recovery we aren't guaranteed that every day is going to be unicorns and rainbows. Some days are tough. So, if when I'm feeling better, I stop doing the things that got me feeling better, I'm setting myself up for a big fall. The things I do when I'm feeling good and normal and sane are insurance for days like today. I've got to pay attention to the long run, as well as today.

I'm not yet sure what I will do today to deal with the way things are in my brain, but I commit to only do things that are neutral to constructive. I will abstain from doing what I know doesn't work in the long run. And I commit to writing about what worked in the next few days.

Namasté,

Ken