Relapse into alcoholism/addiction and/or mental unwellness happens. It doesn't have to happen, but it does - more often than it doesn't. Stigma can cause a person experiencing these disorders a fair amount of shame, which gets in the way of recovery and can be devastating.
Shaming a person experiencing addiction or mental illness is not helpful. If shaming anybody for anything actually worked, we'd be living in a perfect society right now, and, uh, I don't think we are.
Self-shaming is pointless, too. One might wonder why, with less than a week back into recovery, my attitude is optimistic, and I'm open about what happened, working on changing what I need to change, and working on cleaning up the wreckage (which, as I mentioned in a previous post, is relatively minimal and eased greatly by my awesome support system). The reason is is that I've learned remorse does nobody and nothing any good. Looking down at the ground and shuffling my feet is not conducive to recovery. Looking people in the eye and walking and talking like the dignified human being that I am is conducive to recovery.
Here I will mention that I was in despair, and needed assistance getting out of that despair. I needed a hand up, if you will. But it's so important to get upright after a relapse as soon as possible, because in a state of despair and remorse, it's so much easier to stay in relapse.
When I was leaving the hospital, they asked me if I needed a taxicab, and I said, "No, I'll walk." The nurse practically pushed a ride on me, and I informed her that I lived within walking distance of the hospital, and the walk would do me good. And I do, and it did. You see, part of my despair and remorse is that I want to hide; however, on my 20 minute walk home from the hospital I had the opportunity to get fresh air, get exercise, walk with my head up, and be seen.
I'm remembering again right now the experience in first grade when my teacher instructed me to stand in the corner and not turn around, that nobody wanted to see my face (this was for some long-forgotten crime). So whenever I stand up and let people see me for who I am, I am in defiance of that ill-informed teacher, and it makes me feel good. Stand in the corner yourself, you old witch.
Anyway, then, to me, the first step in re-entering recovery (after putting down the substance and letting the mental health symptoms abate enough) is to avoid self-stigma and to get back up and back into life as quickly as possible. If somebody doesn't like that I'm happy and smiling, then they don't like it and it's their problem, not mine. I may still self-abuse in various ways, but gone are the days when I self-abuse for anyone else's benefit - and shaming myself is self-abuse.
It's important to mention that I do not do this without support and guidance. Since my brain is still a bit addled, I don't always see my priorities clearly, and I need assistance with sorting things out. Even though I'm holding my head high, there is still a good bit of anxiety that I have to deal with, and getting overwhelmed is a very real possibility. I want to avoid getting overwhelmed, as that can lead me back to relapse.
I want here that yes, I lost my jobs, yes, I lost money, yes, I almost lost my life. I want to add here, too, that yes, I'm still breathing, yes, there's always hope, and yes, I'm learning and growing from my experience and hopefully helping others.
The next lesson will be about putting recovery first, the challenges, and what happens when I begin putting other things before my recovery.
Namasté,
Ken
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