If I remain stuck in who I think I am, recovery will be difficult, if not impossible. For years and years and years, I did not want to be depressed; yet I identified with the symptoms of my depression every day. I wasn't good enough, I was hopeless, I'm different than everybody, my life has no meaning, I can't make it in this world, I'm a disappointment to everybody around me, and I'm undeserving of anything because I'm such a loser. That is who I believed I was. I felt like an inept mountain climber - I watched everybody I knew climbing their mountain while I struggled at the base of mine, slipping and sliding, and never making it more than a few feet up.
I did not know or understand that the identity that I walked around with was not really me, that it was symptomatic of a brain disorder (commonly known as Major Depressive Disorder). I did not know that I was never hopeless loser, even when I was unable to successfully complete endeavors (like marriages, jobs, and post-secondary education). I wasn't hopeless 2 weeks ago, and I'm not hopeless today. The symptoms I experience, although they feel like me, are not me.
I'll mention here that to say, "I am an alcoholic," or "I am (mental health condition)," is self-stigmatizing. Few people walk around saying, "I am diabetes," or "I am prostate cancer." Today, if I want to introduce myself and tag the disorders I've experienced, I say, "My name is Ken and I am in recovery from alcoholism and depression." This puts a degree of separation between me and my disorders, and it is more accurate - today I am sober and I am not experiencing symptoms of depression. It seems complicated, but the things I tell myself are very important.
Human tendency is to define ourselves by our past, by what we've done or experienced. We are all we've thought and experienced; however, we're also much, much more. We are also all we can be, being children of the infinite Universe. As spiritual beings having this human experience, we have the opportunity to surpass our perceived human limitations. One can see this in human development, technology, and even in sports - there is a drive within us to be more today than we were yesterday.
Addiction and other mental health conditions have the tendency to dim our creative spirits and drive. I've experienced it myself, and I see it in a lot of individuals with whom I work.
In order to thrive, as opposed to simply existing, I must be willing to expand my borders. I must be willing to do the work required to break free from the limitations I've imposed upon myself. How did I become willing? By being surrounded by people who let me know that I was so much more than I thought I was. I began to believe these people, and I began to seek ways to expand my consciousness - to use tools others had used to begin to look past the fence I had constructed around myself, and to begin to believe that I had the power and ability to knock the fence down.
When I was treating only alcoholism, I did everything I could to stay sober. One of the things that bothered me is that I would see some others in recovery doing less than I was doing, yet having seemingly better lives and an easier time of it. Part of this perception was the veil of depression that often surrounded me. The other part of it was that I really was doing more than some others and not achieving the same results. This only served to fortify my belief that I was useless and a loser. My belief was that I would always be less than those around me, no matter what I did or how hard I worked.
When I acknowledged and accepted that I am also dealing with a mental health condition, I began to treat that as well. In order to stay in recovery, I have to treat both of my conditions. There's a fair amount of overlap, but there are also things I do that are specific to each condition. I feel that there are a lot of things, physically, mentally, and spiritually, that I must attend to in order to stay in recovery. I am in truth grateful for this, because what I do has opened my life and given me things and people I never would have experienced otherwise.
So back to changing my story - if you'll notice by reading some of the other posts in my blog, I do not write very much about 'what it was like'. I don't tell expansive stories about my time in prison, or how many hospitals I've visited, or all the wreckage I created in the past. On a private level, I deal with all of that. My story is about recovery, not addiction and mental illness, and recovery is now. I understand today that the most important moment in my life is right here, right now, and I don't want to waste this moment re-hashing the past.
I was at a job interview last week, and at interviews I submit not only my resume, but also my criminal record. The interviewer looked at me and said, "You don't look like you've stolen cars." I've heard similar comments when I tell people about my past, and the reason I don't look like I've committed crimes and been to prison is because I don't live there anymore. I'm just not the felon I once was! But seriously, I don't consider myself a criminal today (because I'm not), and I don't go back there very often. I don't carry that story anymore.
The reason I want to thrive, rather than just survive, is that one, simply surviving kind of sucks, to me, and two, I believe that the more I'm loving myself and loving life, the less likely it is that I will go back to the life I used to live. Now, obviously, I did take a brief trip back in time to get another taste of misery; however, I can use that jaunt to discover what more I can do to stay in recovery as well as to help others in their recoveries.
So my story is not that I'm a depressed drunk, because today I'm not. Today I am a person who, with help from a Higher Power and a lot of friends, is discovering who he really is and sharing that person with others.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it!
Namasté,
Ken
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