Learning to Feel Again - Safely

I was a sensitive child. I felt things strongly, but I did not learn how to skillfully deal with the things I felt. In my teens, I learned that alcohol and some prescription drugs would effectively squelch the feelings I felt. If alcohol and drugs still worked, I'd still be using them; however, in my early twenties I began to recognize that my use of alcohol and drugs were causing problems with other people in my life, and, being addicted to people pleasing at that time, I chose to try to quit drinking. That did nothing for the feelings that I did not know how to control (and I never sought help for the way I felt, probably because I felt like the way I felt was 'wrong', and was ashamed of feeling. Now if that's not messed up!). In the early years of attempting sobriety, I turned into a binge drinker - I would stay sober for a period of time until I just couldn't take it any more, and I would drink until I couldn't anymore.

During my dry periods, I did learn methods for avoiding emotions fairly well. I'm a good actor, and I acted as if I had no feelings when I needed to do so.  That had adverse effects - there were times when it seemed I also had no conscience.  I didn't lose my conscience; it simply became subdued along with my feelings. 

Depression can come about due to oppression or suppression of one's expression. I have not been oppressed by anybody or anything (except myself) since I left prison in April of 2002 (and even that type of oppression I invited upon myself). I have, however, continued to suppress and cover up what's really in my heart.  Generalized anxiety disorder - that anxiety that comes about for no other reason than to just be there - also comes from the suppression of emotions.

So, suppression of my emotions leads to depression, emotional death, sickness, and lack of success. I cannot suppress only the feelings I do not like - sadness, hurt, grief - without suppressing the feelings I do like - love, joy, happiness, connection, passion. In order to live a vibrant, abundant life, I need to be able to feel those good-feeling emotions, and, in order to do that, I must learn how to feel and safely deal with those not-so-good feeling feelings.

One might rightfully ask, "How do you have the career you have if you don't feel?" I do feel. I feel empathy and sympathy, and I feel a connection with those who are going through the same things that I am. But I know I don't feel as deeply as I could. I did not lose my job because I'm crappy at it; quite the opposite, I'm very good at it. I lost my job because I failed to show up at work for 3 days without calling in because I was too busy with my suicidal binge. 

So I do feel, but I feel minimally. There are moments, and sometimes days, when I believe I could turn my back on the whole world forever and not regret it one bit. There are times when I feel as if I could disappear, even though I have a great life with lots of people in it who love me.

That's what I want to feel - I cognitively know life is good, but I'm not feeling it, so I'm going to embark on this journey of re-awakening my emotional self and learn to deal with what comes up.  Scary shit, right?

I have work-arounds to help me deal with some feelings, but they don't always work. A work-around is a coping skill that isn't. It's a half-assed measure to avoid or escape what's going on without facing it and dealing with it. Some of my work-arounds for not feeling are avoiding people, places and events that make me feel uncomfortable, and avoiding forming deep relationships with other human beings. I can tell when people and things are getting too close!  I get that urge to escape, and if there's nowhere to escape, I implode. Not fun.

I am fortunate that nowadays I'm associated with some others who are challenged with strong emotions and feelings, and I've learned that there are ways to not only deal with it, but learn to harness the sensitivity and use it in a positive way. The problem is not feeling too much, the problem is, not understanding that there are positive ways of living with feelings and emotions. I have begun the process of re-opening my emotional body and learning to work with it instead of against it. This process is physical, behavioral, mental, spiritual, and, of course, emotional.

I'm getting into this and feeling like I could write a book on it, and I don't want to write a book today, so I'll give a thumbnail sketch:

Physically and behaviorally, I must discover those drugs, foods, and behaviors that I indulge in to assuage my feelings and begin to avoid them, while at the same time experiencing and embracing the feelings I'm trying to avoid (emotionally). Additionally, I've learned a practice called TRE® which allows me to release memories and traumas that are stored in the physical body. There are other methods as well, such as acupressure, acupuncture, various types of yoga, EFT, guided meditation, and others. Exercising regularly, especially aerobic exercise, also helps me stay grounded physically.

Mentally, I can use the skills I learned in CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) to re-frame how I approach feelings on a cognitive level. CBT gives me a chance to stop the automatic thinking and automatic reactions so that I may approach my life in a rational and reasonable way. I can mentally wrap my head around, "I am feeling hurt - I do not need to run from hurt; I can acknowledge it, embrace it and feel it, thank it, and let it go." Thank it? Yes - our feelings tell us our preferences, and if I ignore my feelings, I essentially ignore who I am. Another therapy that I've heard works well for people who are challenged by their feeling is DBT, or Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. I might check that out - it sounds promising. I am also learning to meditate, and there are many, many ways to meditate and tools that help. Meditation helps to ground me mentally and physically, and some forms of meditation allow me to go within to discover what really makes me tick. 

Spiritually and emotionally, I can improve my connection with Spirit through prayer and meditation, and I can also practice forgiveness. It's important for me to understand that those events in the past that caused me to shut down my feelings were not meant to hurt me, but to teach me compassion and understanding. Whoever or whatever hurt me came from their own brokenness. Prayer and meditation grounds me emotionally, helps me to feel safe, and allows me to go back and reclaim parts of myself I have lost over the years. There are also grounding skills that can be learned that allow me to protect myself in a healthy way when I'm in an uncomfortable space as well as allow me to be fully open when I'm in a safe space.

Some of these things I can do on my own, and some I need assistance and support. I'm grateful today that I either have what I need to accomplish my endeavor, or know that it's on its way.

I have the desire and willingness to become fully alive again. I know that I could go the rest of my life the way I am today, but I don't believe life is about waking up, going to work, and dying. I believe today that life is meant to be fully experienced, and the greatest part of that experience is feeling it, even if sometimes the feeling it isn't fun.  I desire to have a passion for living and a love for myself that I'm not yet experiencing; today I know it's possible, and I know what I need to do to get there.

I forgot to mention - how do I start this process? How do I start to feel again? Simply by becoming willing and open and receptive, the Universe will provide me with all I need to start feeling again - the people, places, and situations.

Namasté,

Ken