Since my last post, I've stayed sober (and relatively sane), let my Certified Peer Specialist certification lapse, gotten a job in a plastics factory as an inspector, re-connected with my therapist and begun work on discovering those subconscious tidbits that continually trip me up, successfully completed treatment, and moved into sober living. Other than that, it's been kind of slow.
Today I'm going to write about what's foremost in my mind, which isn't (at this point, anyway) a happy topic. I like to put things nicely, but I don't know how in this instance - so, here it is: there has been a lot of relapse and death around me lately. First, my roommate from the halfway house moved into sober living - we were going to be roommates there as well - and he relapsed in a big way about the time I was moving into sober living. He's not doing well. Some other people with whom I shared the treatment journey have relapsed as well. Two people I know in recovery have passed recently. I also found out one of my cousins' sons passed away two years ago at age 25. I didn't know him, but it's one of those things that makes me wonder and makes me sad. And I found out today from the person with whom I've been riding to work that their oldest child died some years ago from a heroin overdose. And then today at work, the person I was working with today told me that his sister passed away 2 weeks ago, and my coworker is now raising their niece and nephew, and they found out today that a friend of theirs died by suicide two days ago.
It's sad. I feel sad about all the suffering going on. I also feel a bit dismayed - what the heck is going on? There have been a lot of deaths this past year by suicide and relapse. When I was still sick, in my active addiction and depression, I used this as an excuse to not get better. I was giving up. Now I recognize it as a part of the territory I'm in - I know a lot of people in recovery from addiction and a fair number of people living with mental health conditions. What's happening now is, unfortunately, not all that unusual; I'm simply acutely aware of it right now, 'it' being people suffering and sometimes dying.
My response today was to get a little down in the dumps about it all. Writing about it helps; talking to the right person about it would help, too, except that I don't have phone service again until the day after tomorrow and it's a bit difficult to get hold of the person with whom I'd like to talk. But whatever. My overall response is one of gratitude. I look at each individual that has relapsed and each individual that has passed away and say, "That could have been me." My gratitude is that I am still here to enjoy this life and contribute what I can.
And then I focus on the living. I've been told, and I believe, that 'Why?' isn't a spiritual question - that when I ask 'Why?', I'm not looking for a reason, I'm looking for an argument. I can't do anything for those that have passed on. I can do little for those who have relapsed until they become ready again to get back into recovery. I can do a lot for the survivors.
I listen, and, when warranted, I share my experience. No, I can't bring your loved one back to life, nor can I make anyone recover. But I can listen and let you share your sadness, hurt, grief, and dismay with me. I can make myself available so your pain might ease for just a bit. I don't like the subjects of grief and loss and relapse anymore than most people; but I am equipped to walk with someone a little bit so that they aren't completely alone in their suffering. I can even give a little hope around the possibility that things will get better, because I've been where their loved one has been and I'm getting better. Recovery is possible so long as we're still breathing.
One thing I know today and pretty much accept is that I can't feel the joy of life if I avoid the suffering. I don't like that fact, but it seems to be true, so I work on accepting it. This means when suffering comes from my own thoughts and actions, I endeavor to embrace it, so I can learn from it and let it go. If I try to escape or avoid it, it just comes at me from a different route. Today I'd rather face stuff head-on. And I don't attempt to avoid the real suffering of others either. I figure that if it comes to me, it must be mine to deal with in some way, through listening, sharing, and prayer.
Through it all, I'm still here, and I'm in a good place - I'm sane and sober, I've got everything I need materially today, and I have purpose. I can't tell you what next week will look like, but I can say that if I continue to do what's mine in front of me to do, I'll still be doing well. And I'm grateful today for the journey.
By the way, thank you to Anonymous for the comment on my last post - I really appreciate it! And if anyone else feels like commenting, please do so.
Namasté,
Ken
Showing posts with label Relapse. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Relapse. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 21, 2019
Monday, November 5, 2018
Ending the Shame Game
One of the things I know from this relapse is that I still have shame within me. I believe that anyone who is free from shame is also free from the desire, or even the ability, to purposely hurt themselves. For a quick reminder, the difference between guilt and shame is that guilt is feeling remorse for something I've done, and shame is feeling remorse for who I am. Guilt I can do something about - own up, apologize, and make amends. Shame is a bit more involved - it involves revisiting and healing old wounds that keep re-wounding themselves. Shame is about healing the trauma that happened to us, usually at a young age, or refuting the lies that were told to us about who we are, also usually at a young age. Shame is usually encapsulated, for protection, in a false identity that we portray to the world.
Once shame is discovered, or uncovered, getting rid of it, for me anyway, involves refuting it every time it comes up. For some of us, this can be dozens of times a day. For instance, a very common symptom of shame is the belief that I'm not good enough. I feel I'm not good enough often, but not as much as I used to. I am fortunate in that I have tons of evidence to refute the idea that I am not good enough, and I use that evidence to birth a new, more skillful belief, that - nope, not that I'm good enough, but - I AM ENOUGH. I take out the word good because that has subjective judgment on it, and I need an unassailable belief.
Related to I'm not good enough is I'm not deserving of love. This has been for me a much tougher shame belief to refute, although, again, I have tons of evidence to the contrary. Again, the belief must be hammered at every time it comes into my consciousness, but, I think with this one, it also must be acted upon. Not only must I see that there are a lot of people who love and care for me (and there are), I must not question it; just accept it. However, accepting it also means intimacy, and that is very scary (I'm talking emotional intimacy here). I must be vulnerable, which means that I might get hurt. I know today that I still avoid intimacy. I'm happy to open up to others and let them get to know me, but only the parts with which I'm comfortable. And in this game of eliminating shame, we each individually know deep down inside which areas need to be opened. For instance, I'm an incredibly open person with my recovery and a lot of my past, but there are areas that I still protect. One might think that in this blog that I bare all, when the truth is that I'm still wearing quite a bit of underwear. So I think courage is required to eliminate shame.
It's a process, not done overnight. There are other methods for eliminating shame, all done with professionals. I won't go into them here.
What about the shame of living with a couple of brain conditions? (A friend of mine recently talked to me about not liking the term mental illness; I think it still has its place, but sometimes brain condition or brain disorder is more descriptive).
Vince Lombardi, the late great coach of the Green Bay Packers, said, "I don't care how many times you fall; I care about how many times you get back up."
There can be a lot of shame in relapse, but there doesn't have to be. Shame in mental unwellness and addiction/alcoholism kills. There are programs which expect 100% sobriety - it's very difficult for a person who experiences a relapse to go back to a program where physical sobriety is the most important aspect of sobriety. There's always that spectre of failure, and - did you guess it? - I'm not good enough. It really sucks when one has hit bottom and joined a group of drunks, and then can't measure up to that group. Many people who relapse do not make it back for that reason, and end up dying from their disease. Often more wreckage is created before they go.
In order to not acquire more shame for living with 2 brain disorders, I have made my recovery my own. It doesn't belong to anybody else - it's my business. Remember one of SAMHSA's principles of recovery? That it is individual - I get to define what my recovery looks like. This doesn't mean that I don't utilize all the resources I can, or that I don't desire complete mental and physical health. What it does mean, for me, is that I give myself a break, and don't add injury to insult by shaming myself for being human, and for having a recovery program that isn't perfect, but evolving. I allow people their opinions, and if somebody doesn't like the way I live my recovery, they're free to look the other way.
And what this really means is that I can bounce back into recovery with relatively minimal damage. I don't have to stay 'out there' for 6 months or a year until my health is ruined, my brain is wet, or I die. I can feel the pain of relapse and do what I need to do to get better as soon as possible without worrying (too much) about what anybody else thinks.
I stayed a few days in a hospital recuperating where I used to share Stories of Hope - sharing my recovery with others. It wasn't easy, but it was doable, and I'm glad I did it. That's one secret I don't have to bear. It can be about achieving 100% sobriety for the rest of our lives, but, for some of us, maybe for the majority of us who live with this disease, or live with co-occurring conditions, it's just not really in the cards. And this doesn't mean that I plan or look forward to my next relapse - I certainly hope and will work for that there isn't a next time. But there may be.
The Universe told me that I'm a lot more effective a servant if I'm alive rather than dead, and that my life, no matter how imperfect, can and does make a positive difference in the lives of others.
And so does yours. If you happen to live with a brain condition, mental health disorder, alcoholism and/or addiction, and are finding the road rough, please don't judge yourself. Utilize every resource available and do the best you can. You are special, valued, and loved, and you and your life does have purpose. Release the shame - it's an unnecessary rock.
Namasté,
Ken
Once shame is discovered, or uncovered, getting rid of it, for me anyway, involves refuting it every time it comes up. For some of us, this can be dozens of times a day. For instance, a very common symptom of shame is the belief that I'm not good enough. I feel I'm not good enough often, but not as much as I used to. I am fortunate in that I have tons of evidence to refute the idea that I am not good enough, and I use that evidence to birth a new, more skillful belief, that - nope, not that I'm good enough, but - I AM ENOUGH. I take out the word good because that has subjective judgment on it, and I need an unassailable belief.
Related to I'm not good enough is I'm not deserving of love. This has been for me a much tougher shame belief to refute, although, again, I have tons of evidence to the contrary. Again, the belief must be hammered at every time it comes into my consciousness, but, I think with this one, it also must be acted upon. Not only must I see that there are a lot of people who love and care for me (and there are), I must not question it; just accept it. However, accepting it also means intimacy, and that is very scary (I'm talking emotional intimacy here). I must be vulnerable, which means that I might get hurt. I know today that I still avoid intimacy. I'm happy to open up to others and let them get to know me, but only the parts with which I'm comfortable. And in this game of eliminating shame, we each individually know deep down inside which areas need to be opened. For instance, I'm an incredibly open person with my recovery and a lot of my past, but there are areas that I still protect. One might think that in this blog that I bare all, when the truth is that I'm still wearing quite a bit of underwear. So I think courage is required to eliminate shame.
It's a process, not done overnight. There are other methods for eliminating shame, all done with professionals. I won't go into them here.
What about the shame of living with a couple of brain conditions? (A friend of mine recently talked to me about not liking the term mental illness; I think it still has its place, but sometimes brain condition or brain disorder is more descriptive).
Vince Lombardi, the late great coach of the Green Bay Packers, said, "I don't care how many times you fall; I care about how many times you get back up."
There can be a lot of shame in relapse, but there doesn't have to be. Shame in mental unwellness and addiction/alcoholism kills. There are programs which expect 100% sobriety - it's very difficult for a person who experiences a relapse to go back to a program where physical sobriety is the most important aspect of sobriety. There's always that spectre of failure, and - did you guess it? - I'm not good enough. It really sucks when one has hit bottom and joined a group of drunks, and then can't measure up to that group. Many people who relapse do not make it back for that reason, and end up dying from their disease. Often more wreckage is created before they go.
In order to not acquire more shame for living with 2 brain disorders, I have made my recovery my own. It doesn't belong to anybody else - it's my business. Remember one of SAMHSA's principles of recovery? That it is individual - I get to define what my recovery looks like. This doesn't mean that I don't utilize all the resources I can, or that I don't desire complete mental and physical health. What it does mean, for me, is that I give myself a break, and don't add injury to insult by shaming myself for being human, and for having a recovery program that isn't perfect, but evolving. I allow people their opinions, and if somebody doesn't like the way I live my recovery, they're free to look the other way.
And what this really means is that I can bounce back into recovery with relatively minimal damage. I don't have to stay 'out there' for 6 months or a year until my health is ruined, my brain is wet, or I die. I can feel the pain of relapse and do what I need to do to get better as soon as possible without worrying (too much) about what anybody else thinks.
I stayed a few days in a hospital recuperating where I used to share Stories of Hope - sharing my recovery with others. It wasn't easy, but it was doable, and I'm glad I did it. That's one secret I don't have to bear. It can be about achieving 100% sobriety for the rest of our lives, but, for some of us, maybe for the majority of us who live with this disease, or live with co-occurring conditions, it's just not really in the cards. And this doesn't mean that I plan or look forward to my next relapse - I certainly hope and will work for that there isn't a next time. But there may be.
The Universe told me that I'm a lot more effective a servant if I'm alive rather than dead, and that my life, no matter how imperfect, can and does make a positive difference in the lives of others.
And so does yours. If you happen to live with a brain condition, mental health disorder, alcoholism and/or addiction, and are finding the road rough, please don't judge yourself. Utilize every resource available and do the best you can. You are special, valued, and loved, and you and your life does have purpose. Release the shame - it's an unnecessary rock.
Namasté,
Ken
Home Again
I'm home again, at my regular place of residence. It feels good, which is a good thing to me - it really sucks for someone to get out of the hospital and not have a safe place to stay. I have a safe place to stay, and I am surrounded by friends. I am rich.
I have been in relapse for most of the last month, meaning I have been dangerously symptomatic, meaning I have been suicidal and drinking. Today, gratefully, I am in recovery.
In the posts moving forward, I will continue to write about my experiences, as I have been. I will continue to use my experience in both mental wellness and mental illness, still with the emphasis on mental wellness. I won't apologize to anyone, except to those I hurt during my relapse. Thankfully, this time, those are relatively few.
What I have learned so far from this period in my life is that I cannot afford to hang onto anything, no matter how innocuous, no matter 'where' in my recovery I think I am. (I'm beginning to see that the 'where' I am in my recovery is, or ought to be, 'now'.) Basically I wasn't sharing something that was bothering me. It wasn't anything major (or was it?); it was somewhat embarrassing, to me. However, when I finally did talk about it with others, it didn't seem like something that I might be embarrassed about. It was just a fairly normal situation that I got myself into that bothered me that I didn't know how to handle. The situation itself hasn't been resolved yet*, but at least I'm not alone with it anymore.
Although I finally felt better yesterday, and the day before, inside I still wasn't sure that I wanted to carry on. As a matter of fact, I really didn't, and I asked Source or the Universe to be relieved of my duties in this lifetime. I wasn't going to do anything to end my life, but if I dropped dead of an aneurysm or something, I wasn't going to complain. That sounds crazy, because it is.
But as I write this today, after being home awhile, I am willing to carry on and see where the Universe takes me. One of my personal goals is to fall in love with life, which seems like a tall order since she can be such an ugly bitch sometimes. But I will work toward allowing myself to be open to it; after all, plenty of others do love her, so she must have some overriding good qualities that maybe I'm missing.
So, here I am, carrying on.
*The situation has been resolved in God's mind; I still need to make myself open to whatever the resolution is, and when that happens, the resolution will manifest. That's a basic spiritual principle.
For all of you who have reached out and prayed and sent healing energy and thoughts my way, I am deeply grateful. Thank you.
Namasté,
Ken
I have been in relapse for most of the last month, meaning I have been dangerously symptomatic, meaning I have been suicidal and drinking. Today, gratefully, I am in recovery.
In the posts moving forward, I will continue to write about my experiences, as I have been. I will continue to use my experience in both mental wellness and mental illness, still with the emphasis on mental wellness. I won't apologize to anyone, except to those I hurt during my relapse. Thankfully, this time, those are relatively few.
What I have learned so far from this period in my life is that I cannot afford to hang onto anything, no matter how innocuous, no matter 'where' in my recovery I think I am. (I'm beginning to see that the 'where' I am in my recovery is, or ought to be, 'now'.) Basically I wasn't sharing something that was bothering me. It wasn't anything major (or was it?); it was somewhat embarrassing, to me. However, when I finally did talk about it with others, it didn't seem like something that I might be embarrassed about. It was just a fairly normal situation that I got myself into that bothered me that I didn't know how to handle. The situation itself hasn't been resolved yet*, but at least I'm not alone with it anymore.
Although I finally felt better yesterday, and the day before, inside I still wasn't sure that I wanted to carry on. As a matter of fact, I really didn't, and I asked Source or the Universe to be relieved of my duties in this lifetime. I wasn't going to do anything to end my life, but if I dropped dead of an aneurysm or something, I wasn't going to complain. That sounds crazy, because it is.
But as I write this today, after being home awhile, I am willing to carry on and see where the Universe takes me. One of my personal goals is to fall in love with life, which seems like a tall order since she can be such an ugly bitch sometimes. But I will work toward allowing myself to be open to it; after all, plenty of others do love her, so she must have some overriding good qualities that maybe I'm missing.
So, here I am, carrying on.
*The situation has been resolved in God's mind; I still need to make myself open to whatever the resolution is, and when that happens, the resolution will manifest. That's a basic spiritual principle.
For all of you who have reached out and prayed and sent healing energy and thoughts my way, I am deeply grateful. Thank you.
Namasté,
Ken
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