Breaking It Down

 My store director notified me 2 days ago that he had put me in for a merit raise. Wonderful! How much doesn't matter because, if you read my post Priceless, you'll know that I couldn't possibly be paid in dollars and cents what I'm truly worth (neither could you). But I am very grateful to receive a direct affirmation that I am appreciated where I work. I noticed, however, that I had mixed feelings about the news - I felt good that I'm being noticed and my work is appreciated, but I also felt some guilt, and I thought, "Why should I feel guilty?" So I decided to break it down. 

I've written recently about discovering that what was keeping me in a depressed mood or vibe most of the time can be called my Attributional Style - that I was living with the belief that everything 'bad' that was going on in my life was the result of me being a bad person, and that if something good happened to happen, it was a fluke, and I would surely screw it up. With that attributional style, it's difficult, if not impossible, to get out of depression. So what I'm learning to do is to break things down, and look at events, my thinking, and my feelings individually so that I can see if they really fit who I am or who I want to become. In other words, I turned off the autopilot and started to fly manually more often to see if I might end up at a different destination.

So this incident at work, my receiving word that my name was put in for a raise, and the subsequent mixed feelings, gave me the perfect opportunity to break things down and see where my feelings were coming from. (At the end of this post, I'll share what could have happened if I hadn't broken it down).

The question came to me, "Why do I feel guilty about receiving a raise?" and the answer is, I don't. I show up at work, usually on time, I've never called in, I'm honest, I do what is asked of me and more always to the best of my ability, and I'm good at what I do, I'm pleasant to be around, and I have a positive (outward) attitude, and occasionally I offer helpful suggestions. I deserve a merit raise, based on my performance. Ok, so where are the guilt feelings coming from? 

There were two places from which the guilty feelings stemmed. The first is that I know my own inner thinking, and I think it needs improvement. I'm not happy with some corporate policies that I think make my job more difficult or frustrating. I'm not happy that I think the store's (and maybe corporate's) management is short sighted, and is pennywise and pound-foolish. I'm not happy that I believe some of my co-workers don't give a shit about doing a good job. I'm grateful I'm not an outward complainer (most of the time), but I know that much of my thinking while I'm working takes away from my effectiveness - so that I am not the best worker that I possibly could be. However, I am doing my work to change this aspect of myself, and I am improving. There is no reason to feel guilty about having a bad inner attitude so long as I'm working to improve.

The second reason I was experiencing guilt was because I am not planning at working for my employer forever. I am currently in the process of becoming a certified Peer Specialist again - I'm aiming at employment that is a better utilization of my gifts and skills. And I'm not ungrateful for working where I am - despite my shitty-at-times thinking, I'm very grateful for the huge opportunity that has been given me by my current employer! But, most important, my store director knows of my plans - I've asked off for the 2 weeks of training in May, and I've spoken with him directly about my plans. So he knows - if he wants to give me more money despite the fact that I won't be there forever, who am I to say no? I'm not deceiving him in the least. So there's no reason to feel guilty.

Ok, a quick paragraph or two about guilt and shame, because I think the following points can't be driven home enough. Guilt is bad feelings about what I've done, or am doing, and shame is bad feelings about who I am. Both are negative states of consciousness, but guilt can be used in a positive way, whereas shame is useless (in my opinion). Shame says that I am a bad person, and nothing I can do will ever change that. I may strive to be 'good', and do all sorts of good stuff, but deep down I'm always going to be a piece of shit, and if anybody ever knew what a really shitty character I am, they wouldn't have anything to do with me. Maybe I'm a bad person because of my gender, my race or ethnicity, or the religion into which I was born, or because I was born with or acquired a disability, cognitive and/or physical - whatever! It's some aspect or fact about me that can't really be changed at the deepest level that, somewhere along the line, I've learned that I should (there's that s-word!) feel bad about. Shame can only be let go - there's nothing in this life I can ever accomplish that will erase shame. I have to simply (but not so easily) begin to judge myself differently and let it go.

Guilt, on the other hand, is bad feelings stemming from something I've done, or, something I'm thinking about or thinking about doing. Guilt is good when the feelings keep me from harming someone else or myself in some way. Guilt can be bad for me when I feel bad about doing something that is not harming myself or someone else - for instance, I can (and often do) feel guilty about asking for help. I'm not going to elaborate on that, that's a whole 'nother post. But here's an example of positive guilt:

I work right in the middle of the addictive section of my store - between bakery, liquor, and ice cream. Because of good practice, I am rarely bothered by thoughts about alcohol, but I still often have to make tough choices regarding the bakery and the ice cream, so guilt surrounding those items hasn't been helpful yet. Here's a guilt story about liquor: At the store, we get rid of stock that doesn't sell or is outdated or going to be outdated. We do this by offering it for half-price, and then, eventually, distressing it (getting rid of it and calling it a loss). For whatever reason, when I see a skid full of liquor or beer is basically trash, my interest is piqued. Most recently, it was some Stolichnaya Vodka. If you're not familiar with it, it's a fairly high-end vodka that I've never sampled. Anyway, thoughts of stealing it or drinking it give me feelings of guilt - bad feelings inside because if I follow through on the thought, I'm being harmful to myself and others. That's good guilt - it says there are consequences from following this line of thinking that I no longer want in my experience. The way guilt turns bad is if I do not listen to it, or, again, if I have constant guilt about taking (or not taking) actions - then it can turn to shame. Guilt is often a useful tool if I use it.

So there you have it. And, as I promised, I will let you know what can happen if I don't dissect how I'm thinking or feeling. If I were to assume that I should feel guilty about getting a raise, rather than analyzing what's really going on, I would continue to feel guilty and add it to my shame bucket. Eventually, I would do things to sabotage my job, like calling in, or not doing what is assigned to me, or giving voice to the complaints in my head. Eventually, probably more sooner than later, I would feel like my whole life sucked, and I would create evidence to prove that I don't deserve the good that comes to me. I would drink again, and I would go back into active addiction and depression, and I would be unable to keep my job, my apartment, and, eventually, my life. That's just how the cycle runs. So it's important to me that I nip relapse in the bud and at the source - my thoughts and feelings. Once I release something by taking an action, I give up control; however, I do have tools to help me steer my thinking and feeling into better actions.

I am grateful today for the insight that has been given to me, and I'm especially grateful for the willingness, motivation, strength, and courage that it takes to use this insight to allow life to be good.

Namasté,

Ken

Ending the Shame Game

One of the things I know from this relapse is that I still have shame within me. I believe that anyone who is free from shame is also free from the desire, or even the ability, to purposely hurt themselves. For a quick reminder, the difference between guilt and shame is that guilt is feeling remorse for something I've done, and shame is feeling remorse for who I am. Guilt I can do something about - own up, apologize, and make amends. Shame is a bit more involved - it involves revisiting and healing old wounds that keep re-wounding themselves. Shame is about healing the trauma that happened to us, usually at a young age, or refuting the lies that were told to us about who we are, also usually at a young age. Shame is usually encapsulated, for protection, in a false identity that we portray to the world.

Once shame is discovered, or uncovered, getting rid of it, for me anyway, involves refuting it every time it comes up. For some of us, this can be dozens of times a day. For instance, a very common symptom of shame is the belief that I'm not good enough. I feel I'm not good enough often, but not as much as I used to. I am fortunate in that I have tons of evidence to refute the idea that I am not good enough, and I use that evidence to birth a new, more skillful belief, that - nope, not that I'm good enough, but -  I AM ENOUGH. I take out the word good because that has subjective judgment on it, and I need an unassailable belief.

Related to I'm not good enough is I'm not deserving of love. This has been for me a much tougher shame belief to refute, although, again, I have tons of evidence to the contrary. Again, the belief must be hammered at every time it comes into my consciousness, but, I think with this one, it also must be acted upon. Not only must I see that there are a lot of people who love and care for me (and there are), I must not question it; just accept it. However, accepting it also means intimacy, and that is very scary (I'm talking emotional intimacy here). I must be vulnerable, which means that I might get hurt. I know today that I still avoid intimacy. I'm happy to open up to others and let them get to know me, but only the parts with which I'm comfortable. And in this game of eliminating shame, we each individually know deep down inside which areas need to be opened. For instance, I'm an incredibly open person with my recovery and a lot of my past, but there are areas that I still protect. One might think that in this blog that I bare all, when the truth is that I'm still wearing quite a bit of underwear. So I think courage is required to eliminate shame.

It's a process, not done overnight. There are other methods for eliminating shame, all done with professionals. I won't go into them here.

What about the shame of living with a couple of brain conditions? (A friend of mine recently talked to me about not liking the term mental illness; I think it still has its place, but sometimes brain condition or brain disorder is more descriptive). 

Vince Lombardi, the late great coach of the Green Bay Packers, said, "I don't care how many times you fall; I care about how many times you get back up."

There can be a lot of shame in relapse, but there doesn't have to be. Shame in mental unwellness and addiction/alcoholism kills. There are programs which expect 100% sobriety - it's very difficult for a person who experiences a relapse to go back to a program where physical sobriety is the most important aspect of sobriety. There's always that spectre of failure, and - did you guess it? - I'm not good enough. It really sucks when one has hit bottom and joined a group of drunks, and then can't measure up to that group. Many people who relapse do not make it back for that reason, and end up dying from their disease. Often more wreckage is created before they go.

In order to not acquire more shame for living with 2 brain disorders, I have made my recovery my own. It doesn't belong to anybody else - it's my business. Remember one of SAMHSA's principles of recovery? That it is individual - I get to define what my recovery looks like. This doesn't mean that I don't utilize all the resources I can, or that I don't desire complete mental and physical health. What it does mean, for me, is that I give myself a break, and don't add injury to insult by shaming myself for being human, and for having a recovery program that isn't perfect, but evolving. I allow people their opinions, and if somebody doesn't like the way I live my recovery, they're free to look the other way.

And what this really means is that I can bounce back into recovery with relatively minimal damage. I don't have to stay 'out there' for 6 months or a year until my health is ruined, my brain is wet, or I die. I can feel the pain of relapse and do what I need to do to get better as soon as possible without worrying (too much) about what anybody else thinks.

I stayed a few days in a hospital recuperating where I used to share Stories of Hope - sharing my recovery with others. It wasn't easy, but it was doable, and I'm glad I did it. That's one secret I don't have to bear. It can be about achieving 100% sobriety for the rest of our lives, but, for some of us, maybe for the majority of us who live with this disease, or live with co-occurring conditions, it's just not really in the cards. And this doesn't mean that I plan or look forward to my next relapse - I certainly hope and will work for that there isn't a next time. But there may be.

The Universe told me that I'm a lot more effective a servant if I'm alive rather than dead, and that my life, no matter how imperfect, can and does make a positive difference in the lives of others.

And so does yours. If you happen to live with a brain condition, mental health disorder, alcoholism and/or addiction, and are finding the road rough, please don't judge yourself. Utilize every resource available and do the best you can. You are special, valued, and loved, and you and your life does have purpose. Release the shame - it's an unnecessary rock.

Namasté, 

Ken

What I Get When I Open My Mind

I used to not believe what I could not understand. This is kind of the way humans are, I think. But I took it one step further - because my thinking was so right, if I couldn't understand it, it wasn't understandable. I did not seek to understand; I didn't even seek to accept.

For instance, if anybody ever saw any good in me, either they were lying or I had them fooled. This kind of attitude makes for very short relationships, and by relationships, I mean all kinds - friendships, romantic relationships, jobs, etc. If you thought I was a decent person, you were either lying or delusional, because deep down, I knew I wasn't a decent person. I wasn't the kind of person that had anything that was likable or any sort of skill that was useful to anyone. 

This belief in my innate badness is very much a shame-based belief. It was so strong that it persisted despite much evidence to the contrary. Most people (I think) think they are pretty good people who occasionally make mistakes or do bad things. My perception of me was that I was basically a bad person who occasionally did good things. 

In my opinion, it is impossible to stay in recovery and keep this attitude. Or, it is impossible to keep this belief and stay in recovery. It is also impossible, in my experience, to keep this shame based attitude and have a healthy relationship with God. 

I will not say that I presently have the best attitude or belief about myself that I could have, but it's better than it used to be. I'm finally beginning to see that there are steps in between the alpha of desperately sick and the omega of perfectly healthy, much like there are steps to acceptance. 

I saw a bumper sticker a few years back that said, "Don't believe everything you think." Good advice! As I've mentioned in previous posts, the human brain is set up to jump to conclusions. It takes effort (plus a little insight) for most folks to move past their first thought. But lazy thinking isn't my only problem. It is the tip of the iceberg. My problem is the thoughts and perceptions generated from a lifetime of thinking that I'm a piece of breathing, walking shit. The change in my thinking must come from my depths - surface change isn't lasting change.

So here's how this whole scenario used to show up for me: I would get some opportunity that would give me hope that I had some kind of chance at having an enjoyable life. Because I had this great opportunity and some hope, I could avoid doing the things that were majorly self-destructive, like drinking. But the change was only on the surface. Because I knew so much, or maybe because I was too afraid to let anybody in on who I thought I really was, I did not go after the deeper stuff - the beliefs. When I was young, I didn't even know that I had no self-esteem, or shame-based beliefs, or any of that shit. The way I felt about myself was as natural as my hair color or my eye color. It was me. 

When I began to recognize that maybe, perhaps I don't process life like everybody else, I did not seek to understand what was different - I simply tried to suppress that difference. Because I'm smarter than everybody else, you see.

So I would cycle. About every two years (sometimes longer, if I had a prison sentence - that seemed to help in a strange way) I would crash. I would start drinking again, quit my job, abandon my domicile, quit my marriage or my relationship, and jump head-first into self-destruction. Until somebody stopped me and gave me some hope. It got to the point where I hated getting hopeful again, because I knew I was in for another disappointment down the road.  This used to be my life. Crash and burn, get some hope, do well for a couple of years, crash and burn.

What's different? A little over four years ago, after a crash and burn, I resolved to become authentic. I knew I was a big fake, and I knew I couldn't recover unless I became authentic. So I started down that path. Started. I was in a relatively safe place to be me, whoever the heck that was. But after I left that place, I reverted to Mr. Sobriety and went about making my millions, rather than allowing more healing to take place. So, after nearly two years, I crashed and burned again - the last crash and burn.

I still needed to practice authenticity, but I also needed to keep recovery first. And that I have been doing. But what was the change? I think I've mentioned it before, in different ways - I've basically run out of f^&#$ to give. I no longer care about if someone finds out who I really am. I no longer care if I make a million or if I don't. I don't even really give a good goddamn if anybody likes me or not. And when I dropped those prereqs to recovery, lo and behold, I began to get better. Bit by bit, I began to heal.

So what happened to the belief that I'm basically a pile of shit who occasionally manages not to stink? In addition to letting go of what I thought others might think of me, I began to let go of what I thought of myself. I began to put less stock in my own thinking. I began to see if maybe others weren't right when they said I was a decent human being with a something to offer. And the results of this inquiry - perhaps call it "Maybe Ken doesn't know everything" - have led to some amazing discoveries. 

The biggest discovery is I'm not the person I believe I am. I sure don't know who I am, but I'm not the waste of oxygen I once thought I was. Being relieved of that underlying belief has made sobriety a lot easier, and it has made recovery from depression possible.

I saw myself on videotape last night. Twice in the past couple of weeks I've had occasion to speak at some meetings at city hall. I was fishing around the city website, and came across recordings of those meetings. I was surprised at what I saw when I was on tape. Here was a gentleman who wasn't ugly - looked pretty normal to me - and said what he had to say in a nice and interesting manner. I knew that was me, but part of me didn't recognize me. I'm used to public speaking, and I like doing it, probably because I'm often talking about myself, and I seem to be received well. During these two meetings I did not know I was being videotaped, so it wasn't like I was doing anything for the camera - I was just doing what I do. It's like writing for me - it just comes out. Yet I thought it was funny that I really didn't recognize myself. And I'm grateful, because it shows me that my perception is still not on target. I need to know that, because every once in a while I dip back into shitville.

I'll mention one other amazing thing before I close - and this is very important: Because other people took the time to acknowledge and support the good they saw in me, I can now see the good in others who perhaps find it difficult to see themselves. This is one of the greatest gifts I've ever, ever received - to not only see myself differently, but to see others in a different light as well (Cyndi Lauper's 'True Colors' is bouncing through my head now). 

I've heard this for the past 25 years - my perception creates my reality, not the other way around. And I'm just beginning to manifest this truth. When I toss away my first thought about anything and allow something better to take its place, I start to get better and my world gets better.

Namaste,

Ken