Only Six Months

I recently celebrated 6 months of sobriety. It's not a big deal, because I've had 6 months lots of times; but it is a big deal, because any day sober for this  alcoholic is a miracle. 

I dislike at recovery meetings when I hear "I've only got x days" because recovery is about so much more than the time without our chemicals. But here are some things i do have as a result of 6 months clean:

I've got 6 months without being hospitalized.

I've got 6 months without passing out in public and losing my winter jacket and telephone.

I've got 6 months without being kicked out of where I'm living.

I've got 6 months without police contact.

I've got 6 months without worrying about how I'm going to pay for the next bottle.

I've got 6 months where my loved ones don't worry about me as much.

There is much, much more I've realized from abstaining from alcohol and other drugs for 6 months, and there's even more I'm realizing from working a program of recovery.

So if you're 'new' to recovery and reading this, my request is remove the word only when describing your clean time and begin to recognize all you have as a result.

Namaste,

Ken

(Sent from my phone so please forgive the mistakes!)

Freely Giving and Receiving in Recovery

I have mentioned it before, and I'll mention it again and again and again - addiction and depression are self-centered dis-eases. I become concerned mainly with how I am feeling and what I can do to make myself feel better. If I'm thinking of you, it's probably about what I think you can do to help me feel better.

Ceasing using alcohol or other drugs does not relieve me of my self-centeredness. Taking medication for my mental health condition will not relieve me of my selfishness. And the kicker is that if I do not get rid of my obsessive concern for self, I will not stay long in recovery. If I remain in a self-centered state for very long, no matter how well I'm doing otherwise, I will enter into a state of self-pity, and possibly resentment, and that's just one step away from physically relapsing (returning to use of alcohol or drugs).

So if I want to stay in recovery, I must become willing to learn what my obsession with self looks like (how it shows up) as well as learning what steps I can take to reduce this symptom of my dis-ease. The bad news and the good news is that I can't do this alone. I can't unwrap myself from myself all by myself.

So what's a person to do? I can start in a few ways: I can pray to my Higher Power that I be relieved of this fatal obsession with self; I can seek out others who are on the same path (recovery meetings and support groups); or I can do both. I can just about guarantee that if I pray and remain open to the answer, I'll be led to people who can help me in my endeavor.

Speaking of which, now might be a good time to bring up an interesting paradox: in doing this, my main focus is still on me; it just changes from 'how am I feeling' to 'what am I doing?' There is one codicil - I must give up my expectations. An expectation is, 'If I do a, then b will happen (to me or for me).' Expectations are ego-driven, self-serving, and ultimately bad for my serenity and mental health, because there is no way that my expectations are going to be met all the time. The problem is that if I have an expectation, and, by some miracle of the Universe it gets met by my actions, then I expect (another expectation!) that the next time it will happen again. Often it doesn't work that way, and my little me, my ego, tends to become disappointed and pouts, which leads to self-pity and probably resentment and most likely depression and there I am in the depths of my dis-ease. That really is the way it works.

What I'm talking about here is learning to freely give of myself. If you're a fan of the Bible, you'll know that Jesus suggests we 'freely give and freely receive'. What does that mean? It means I learn to give of myself without reservation, building my faith that I live in a giving and supportive Universe - that whatever I give freely and without expectation will return to me, probably in excess of what I gave. We live in an abundant, giving Universe, but the ego, which is built out of fear, does not believe that. My ego believes that I must take or I'm not going to get. I can get as sneaky and manipulative as I want about the way in which I take, but ultimately, the longer I live with this mindset, the poorer I'll be. 

Our human society teaches us just the opposite. Capitalism teaches us that we aren't enough and we can never have enough - that we must always strive for more, more, more, and it puts us in competition with others, meaning that in order for me to win, somebody must lose. This is in direct conflict with giving and receiving freely. This doesn't mean that I can't live in this society, it just means I need to stay awake to what I'm doing and to what or who is informing my choices.

So doing this, becoming a giver without expectations, is a challenge for any human being, and an even greater challenge for a person living with a substance use or mental health disorder.

Ok, let's get back to the mechanics of how this actually works. I mentioned earlier that I require the support and cooperation of others in this endeavor. Where do I find these others? Support and mutual aid groups. Groups of people who are also interested in recovery. The really cool thing is that when groups of like minded people get together, great things can happen. So I look for support, but here's the twist - before I go into a recovery meeting or a support group, I pray that I may be a blessing and be blessed. Why? My experience has been that if I go into a situation expecting to receive a certain thing or see a certain person, there's at least a 50/50 chance that I'll be disappointed. However, when I release that expectation and go into a situation seeing what I can give, I always receive something in return - some understanding, a new friendship, a nugget of wisdom, some peace of mind, etc. I've placed myself physically in a good place and mentally and spiritually in a place of reception. 

The question naturally arises, "But what do I have to give?" I've found, by practicing this mental mindset, that I have a lot more to give than I believe I do. There is always going to be someone who could use something I have to give.

I can take this attitude anywhere I go - work, social situations, in the supermarket! When I'm waiting in a long line with my basket full of goodies and I finally arrive at the checkout, I can give the underpaid and underappreciated cashier a smile, a kind word, or at least not give him/her a hard time because I'm impatient. 

I have intentionally not given very specific instructions on how to reach this giving mindset - you must do this, this, this, and that in order to achieve this - for two reasons: first, it sets up and expectation, which we know are good to avoid, and second, the way each person gives and receives looks different.

Living with this spiritual/mental mindset, which concentrates on the process rather than the results (leaving the results up to the Universe) relieves me of having to figure out ways to make myself feel better because living this way gives me peace and confidence, and strengthens my faith. The challenge for me is to do it every day. I've been told that it is possible to make this a habit that I don't even have to think about, but I haven't experienced that yet. Besides, I get a little boost when I consciously try to behave like I'm a child of God.

Namasté,

Ken

We Are Not Alone

No, sorry, this isn't a post about aliens. Or, maybe it is! Most of us who have lived experience with addiction and/or a mental health condition(s) have felt alien. It's quite common for the person going through suffering to say, either aloud or to themselves, "Nobody understands!" Fortunately, this isn't the whole truth; however, the feeling can be so strong, even in recovery, that it seems to be a part of the dis-ease process. 

I was at an alcoholism recovery meeting recently, and I began to experience this feeling. Part of the feeling comes from my tendency to look at the differences between me and others rather than the similarities. Part of it can come as a symptom of my dis-ease. And part of it can come from the fact that I have what is known as a dual diagnosis, or co-occurring, disorders. There are some in addiction recovery that have only to deal with the dis-ease of addiction. For most of those, the recovery program in a mutual aid support group works, if the person works it. For some who do have co-occurring disorders, an addiction recovery program works as well. Then for some others, me included, we seem to need more than just an addiction recovery program. It is not the fault of the recovery program; it is simply that people experiencing co-occurring conditions sometimes need more, such as therapy and possibly medication.

When I began to feel this way at the meeting - alienated, unique, alone, disconnected - I probably didn't do the best thing, which might have been to stick around afterwards and talk with someone; however, I didn't buy into the way I felt. I began to look for the similarities between me and the speakers; I began to come up with alternatives to my thinking; I began to see the ways in which I am unique, noting that most of them, if not all, are good. They're who I am. And, as I was leaving the meeting, alone, I noted to myself that it's ok for me to be alone from time to time, so long as I'm in a place where I can stand myself.

As I mentioned above, it's important for me to identify how my depression shows up. I've lived with it for so long that it's been a real challenge to differentiate between what is me and what is my dis-ease. I've felt alone and different-from most of my life, and most of my life I thought it was because I was defective and less than everyone else. Today I understand this feeling of being alone in the universe as a symptom of my dis-ease. When the symptom is part of me, like an arm or a leg is a part of me, it's very hard to do anything about it; however, when I view the symptom as a symptom, I am able to do something about it. As a symptom, I can talk about it with others; I can spend time with others, either in person, or on the phone, or even on social media, if I'm hooked up with the right groups (it's helpful to be with like-minded people, such as others in recovery from mental unwellness or addiction); I can pray; I can think about alternatives to my thinking. So there's a lot that I can do about this particular symptom - I don't have to stay in my aloneness for long. Another thing I can do is play with other people's pets (with their permission and because I don't have pets of my own) - pets, especially dogs, love being with me and don't judge me. The drawback is I can't take dogs to work with me or to recovery meetings.

Spiritually, we are never alone. Our Creator is omnipresent, which means that I am always connected to It, as It is connected to me. And the kicker is that if I am made from my Creator, and my Creator is in me and all of Creation, then I am connected to all of Creation, including you! So the feeling of being apart from or alone is really an illusion, or even a delusion. It's a lie. Sometimes in meditation I can feel this connection; sometimes in consciousness I recognize it. I'm working toward knowing my Connection more.

And speaking of connection, I read in one recovery resource that, as an alcoholic, one of my primary problems has been the failure to connect on a real level with another human being. Recent studies have also pointed to the idea that the opposite of addiction is connection - connection with our family and friends, connection with all of humankind. So working toward knowing this connection in my heart, and not just in my head, moves me toward recovery and healing. In recovery meetings we have the opportunity to work on this connection, and as the health of our relationships grow, our spiritual and mental health grows (probably our physical health, too). We weren't put here to live this life alone and on our own.

So I am grateful I'm on this path, even though sometimes it feels like too much to deal with. One footstep at a time I move deeper in recovery and closer to truly knowing my connection with everything.

Namasté,

Ken

Grow the Heck Up!

I had a bad day yesterday. Well, I didn't have a bad day, I had actually a really good day with some less-than-desirable moments, and, this morning, I'm focusing on those moments instead of the plenty of good and desirable moments that I had. 

I'm not for living in the past, but since I'm there anyway, let's take a look at it:

What caused me to tell myself this morning to 'grow up' are a few instances where, during times where I felt stuck or didn't know what to do next, I resorted to escapism and, for me, addictive behavior. I over-played an internet game of which I'm fond, I watched more stupid videos and read irrelevant articles on my phone than was necessary, I went off my diet and ate a bunch of Halloween candy (sorry, kids!), and I stayed up very late for no good reason. Yes, this is immature behavior, but telling me (or anyone) to 'grow the €#&@ up' is pejorative, unnecessary, and unhelpful.

So, while I'm in yesterday, I'm going to do a few things.

First, I'm going to forgive myself for being a less-than-perfect human being. I am in a challenging place right now, which is uncomfortable, and, at times, I resorted to activities that I've used in the past to comfort myself that are really less-than-skillful, and I also engaged in helpful and productive behavior to improve my situation.

Also, I'm not a bad little boy and I didn't do bad things. Again, I engaged in behavior in a way that was, in the long run, less-than-helpful to me. I am an adult, and I did also do things that were very helpful to me.

Next, I'm going to think of some downtime things to do today that are helpful and/or. productive, such as meditating (I've got a virtual ton of meditation resources), take a walk, read something relevant, or play a game, but set limits.

Ok, so I've objectively analyzed the events of yesterday, forgiven myself and given myself a hug and a pat on the back, and I'm sharing my experience with other adults because I know I'm not the only person in the world who struggles with engaging in unhelpful behaviors sometimes. Or a lot. And then I'm going to jump into my morning routine.

The things I mentioned above transform the negative things I did yesterday into positives for today. It's a lot more productive and healing than telling myself that I need to grow up. We'll see how it goes today; right now I'm expecting to do good things today with a minor stumble here and there.

Namaste

Ken

(written on and sent from my phone)

Assumptions!

I used to be a big assumer and jumper to conclusions. There is no complex mystery behind why I liked to assume - I found making assumptions about things going on around me a lot easier than actually investigating the facts, wherein I'd have to actually talk with someone and ask what's going on.

I still assume and jump to conclusions; the difference today is that I'm aware I could be wrong, so I don't immediately act upon my assumptions. I can sometimes consider alternative possibilities, and sometimes I even talk with people about what I'm thinking.

The problem with this person in recovery is that my thinking still leans toward the negative, and I am still prone to depression - so when I assume, it's usually negative and I often use the assumption against myself, demeaning my character and calling myself all sorts of nasty names. Yes, that's insane. The worst case scenario is that I assume something that isn't true, and use that assumption to begin really self-destructive behavior, like drinking. As of this writing, that doesn't make much logical sense - but I've used facts around me to make assumptions about my worthiness that have led me down the path of self destruction. 

I've been looking for jobs in Waukesha so that I can move back there. I'm currently employed at the plastics factory near where I'm living through a temporary service. They have a branch in Waukesha, and I discovered a job I'd like to have in their listings. So, I called the Waukesha office to let them know I am interested and to inquire on what steps I need to take to apply for that job. I explained that I am already working for the temporary service, and told them my assignment. I got the impression that the person on the other end of the line didn't think a person working in a factory would be qualified for the job in which I'm interested, which left me a little irritated. That impression I got was an assumption. Whether it's true or not, I don't know, but, more importantly, it doesn't matter.

So I went thinking nasty things about that office in Waukesha and the people who worked there, as well as getting down on myself a little for not having a straight career path. (Thinking nasty things isn't good for me, whether they're true or not, and neither is getting down on myself). I took the time to re-write my resume, listing my relevant experience first rather than doing a chronological resume. I emailed my resume to the Waukesha office with the job rep's name in the subject line. I didn't hear anything for a few days, so I called the office and left a message for the job rep. The rep's voicemail message states, "I'll call you back within two hours" (this is important in a little bit). I didn't get a call-back, so I assumed the rep wasn't interested, and I started focusing on other job resources (which is a good idea).

Today I received a text from the job rep asking me to call them, which renewed my hope. I talked to the job rep after work today, and he let me know he had been out of the country until Monday. People often fail to update their voicemail messages - I know this, but I had forgotten it in my efforts to assume the worst. So I talked to the rep, and they are going to contact the company at which I'd like to work and set up an interview for me.  Hmph - stymied again!

I'm not good yet at taking an objective view of myself and my world. My perceptions are still on the negative, low self-esteem side. Interestingly enough, in talking with others, I can help them see more alternatives than they can see themselves, but it's still a challenge to help myself. I didn't do anything rash in this instance, but I did poison my own thinking (I was going to say unnecessarily, but anytime I poison my thinking it's unnecessary).

I'm not powerless to change my thinking for the better, but it takes practice and consistency, and for situations like this to pop up. I'm writing about this because writing and talking about it helps me make the commitment to change.

I've come to a better understanding that the 'stuff' that happens in life are really lessons, and I don't have to beat myself up, in fact, it's counter-productive to beat myself up, for receiving a lesson. Today I can be grateful for lessons like this, for they're helping me grow into the person I'd like to be.

 Namasté,

Ken

A Sense of Purpose Helps

A very real aid to mental health and substance use recovery is having a sense of purpose. The opposite of having a sense of purpose is having no sense of purpose - no reason to get out of bed in the morning, nothing really going on to motivate me to put forth any effort to embrace life. Major depressive disorder can make it seem as if I have no purpose, or as if my purpose isn't really worthwhile or valid. Active addiction takes away whatever sense of purpose I might have and replaces it with the purpose of obtaining and using alcohol or other drugs. So when I begin recovery, and continue in recovery, having a sense of purpose  helps me keep moving forward when there are forces within me that would like to see me move backward.

I think there is a difference between having a purpose and having a sense of purpose. Having a purpose, to me, is more finite. It's having a goal, which is concrete and observable. It's a destination - I'm going to become a millionaire, or I'm going to travel to New Orleans. Having a sense of purpose, on the other hand, gives me a guide about how I'm going to show up today - what my attitude and behavior is going to be. Having a sense of purpose doesn't guarantee that I'm going to reach a specific destination. It's more like, "I'm going to travel in a northerly direction and see where I end up." A sense of purpose is the journey itself.

Having a sense of purpose allows me to adjust to what is and live in the now. My own particular sense of purpose allows me to use the gifts I have to help enrich the lives of others while at the same time progressing in my own healing work. This is a fairly broad sense of purpose, and here is one of the ways in which it helps:  I'm currently working in a job that isn't something I want to do for the rest of my life. I inspect parts, and have recently been upgraded to machine operator. Sometimes it's fun and interesting; sometimes, I do the same thing over and over for 8 hours. In the job itself, I get to use my 'gift' of being able to find fault with anything. Under normal (for me) circumstances, I would find this job boring and very hard to do - the pay isn't good, and there's not a lot of incentive to keep showing up other than it's all I have right now. Without a sense of purpose that I can bring to the job, I'd find myself getting depressed and possibly relapsing. However, I'm able to activate my sense of purpose so that my 8 hours a day (not including travel) is not wasted.

My sense of purpose allows me to understand that if I continue to do well at this job, something better will show up for me. Also, I take the time and energy to get to know some of the people with whom I work, and I sometimes ride home with people I work with. I've found that many of the people I work with can relate one way or another to substance use and/or mental health issues. Also, I have plenty of time to practice silent affirmations while I'm at work.

I'm not a person who has a lot of internal motivation. I'm like an actor who can't do a role until s/he knows their motivation. I'm not the most ambitious boy on the block. I have, however, learned that I can instill within myself a sense of purpose that can masquerade as motivation or ambition. It's really knowing that whatever I'm engaging in, no matter what it looks like on the surface, is moving me in a direction that I want to go.

I believe that each moment I move forward with a sense of purpose, I am not only helping others, I am strengthening my own recovery.

Namasté,

Ken

The Resilience Factor

Resilience: 1. the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness.  2. the ability of a substance or object to spring back into shape; elasticity. (Oxford English Dictionary)

Last week I was doing some online stuff before work started, and I ran into two disappointments, one of them financial. I thought about my options for a little bit, and then started work. There were no histrionics, no self-pity, no rending of my clothes and/or gnashing of my teeth (well, maybe a little gnashing - I'm a gnasher from way back), just simple acceptance of the way things were in that moment. I said a little prayer of thanks for resilience.

Later on, as I'm working and thinking, I'm thinking about the fact that I didn't do my morning routine of spiritual and inspirational readings and prayer either that day or the day before, and I'm beginning to wonder how long my resilience will last. Will something happen later on that will be the straw that breaks the camel's back, and sends me into negative thinking, self-pity, and depression? You see, in me, resilience is not something that I either have or I don't; it's a mindset that I acquire through certain practices.

I like the 2nd definition above a little more than the first. The 2nd definition reminds me of a live, healthy tree - it's got roots that go deep enough to support it and nourish it, and it has sap running through it's fibers that nourish its limbs and leaves. A healthy tree can often survive a strong storm - the winds may bend the tree and rustle its leaves, but when the storm is done, the tree will be back to its old self. Now, take a tree that has died, but is still standing - the sap has run out of it, and it's limbs are hard and rigid. A dead tree can be easily uprooted or have its limbs snap off in a storm because it's no longer resilient - it lacks the quality of elasticity which would allow it to be swayed and return to its original shape.

Resilience is an important part of recovery from addiction and mental illness. Resilience in this way can be likened to immunity - if my immune system is strong, I can resist acquiring infections, or if I do get infected, I will recover quickly. If I have a weak or compromised immune system, my body is much more likely to catch something, and it could create a serious and even life-threatening infection. Certain things like my age, my diet, whether or not I exercise and get enough sleep, and my reaction to stress are all factors in whether or not my immune system is healthy and strong. I keep my resiliency healthy in much the same way, with a few more things added.

I'd like to mention here that I do take prescribed medication to treat my mental health condition. The medication does not really make me more resilient; it allows me to get to a level of functioning whereby I am able to practice coping skills that will help me maintain my mental/emotional health and sobriety.

So now that my brain is banging on all 8 most of the time, what do I do to enhance my resiliency? (The following list is not ordered in importance, other than the first item).

• Abstain from alcohol and other mood-altering drugs. Kinda makes sense, and for me there's no quicker way to push resilience away than by beginning to use again.
• Take my mental health medication as prescribed, and consult my psychiatrist before making any changes. It feels good to go for a while without a depressive episode, but time without an episode does not mean I'm cured. Likewise, time without an episode does not make me immune. I need to let others help me manage my mental health (which is a big challenge for me, but can be done).
• Daily read spiritual material, pray, and meditate (or practice mindfulness). Ok, maybe these are in order of importance so far. I've been able to do this more consistently lately than ever before, and there are so many benefits to a consistent spiritual practice. Not only do I feel more connected to life, but the connection allows me to feel like life happens through me rather than to me, and this is an important factor in resilience. Another benefit is that staying connected spiritually gives me more power and motivation to do other healthy things for myself.
• Practice good sleep hygiene. Lack of good sleep contributes negatively to my resiliency. It's that simple.
• Eat healthily. Eating healthy foods makes me feel better inside, whereas eating junk and sugar can make me irritable and impatient, two feelings that do not contribute to resiliency.
• Play. Doing stuff just for fun reminds me that life isn't always as serious as my mind can make it out to be.
• Utilize support groups. Having places to share my experience, strength, and hope with others keeps me living in the solution. On my own, I have a tendency to live in the problem, which is not resilient. On my own, my mind narrows, and I don't see solutions.
• Utilize mentorship. Like support groups, mentorship allows me to learn new ways of living from someone I trust.
• Exercise. Exercise is healthy! And it releases certain natural chemicals that make my brain feel good. And I feel more whole when I exercise regularly. Exercise lowers my blood pressure and heartbeat. All of these things promote resilience.

Finding out what makes one resilient is a matter of reflection. Do stuff and see what happens. Meditate for a few days, and if someone cuts you off on the road and you don't get pissed, it might be from the meditation. Or eat straight sugar for 3 days, and if life begins to seem overwhelming, there might be a causal relationship.

The librarian is giving me the evil eye, so I will close here and maybe come back and edit. Thanks for reading!

Namasté,

Ken