Ever since I began recovery 18 months ago, I have been endeavoring to embrace life, knowing that my basic problem has been a fear of life in general. I've spent a lot of years finding various methods of getting through this lifetime without engaging or risking too much. Some methods seem to work better than others, but, in the end, I haven't been able to bypass life. Or, at least, bypass it and be able to live with myself. So I suppose I'm destined to embrace the sucker.
The way that I have been learning to embrace life is to face and accept what comes my way, whether I like it or not. I'm not perfect at it - there are still a lot of things I like avoiding, but I avoid them less often and for less time.
It had gotten to the point where I had run out of dreams. I remember when I was younger, I used to have dreams of being this and doing that. The problem is that my doubts always seemed to grow bigger than my dreams.
The last dream I had was to be self-employed, and I actually did it. Some may say I failed at it; I say I didn't. It's more like the Wright brothers' first flight - they didn't get very far nor very high, but they flew. Same with me. And I might do it again sometime.
But after my supposed failure I relapsed, and when I came to, I was out of dreams. I was out of goals, and, as I've written numerous times, I couldn't live and I couldn't die. It's that 'couldn't die' part that got me to where I am today. I had to try something, so I took the suggestions of well-meaning people around me.
And I got led into situations and circumstances that were scary and outside of my comfort zone, but I kept going, with the belief that if it's been presented to me, it must be mine to to do, and, if so, I am supported by the Universe in doing whatever it is. And this is why I am working for LSS and NAMI-Waukesha - neither of these jobs did I ask for or apply for - I was asked to work for them. It appears that I have talents for listening to people and dispensing recovery information. There's more to it than that, but that's the basics.
Today I received an offer for full-time employment at NAMI, and I accepted. This job was not on my bucket list. It's not something I've aspired to do, or even formally trained for. It's just that I have a lot of experience in what works (and what doesn't work) in recovery, and I enjoy sharing that experience and any wisdom I've gained along the way. So basically I'm getting paid for having a mental health condition. It's good work, if you can get it.
But there's other things that go along with the job at NAMI and the job at LSS that I'm not so sure about. It's not all chatting with folks. There are administrative tasks, committees to sit on, projects to participate in, reading and learning to do, etc. Both jobs are much more than coming in and following instructions. Sometimes I even have to make my own instructions. All of that is scary to me. I'm not practiced at this self-directed type stuff. I've been known to be paralyzed by fear over "do I do A, or do I do B?"
So what keeps me going? Lots of things. Everything that I've embraced over the past 18 months has so far worked out really well, so I've got some success under my belt. In fact, today I do feel successful. So I have faith that if I continue on, I'll continue to experience more success (although that part of me that is waiting for the other shoe to drop is still alive - it's just quieter nowadays). As a result of my successes, I've been enjoying recovery more than I ever have before. And I know I must stay in recovery in order to do my jobs well. A big part of recovery, a huge part for me, is staying open and receptive to Spirit, and I recognize that anything good that comes out of me is God working through me. In and of myself, I'm just a depressed, suicidal drunk. When I open up and let my Higher Power in, the depressed, suicidal drunk is transformed into a useful human being. I do not know of a simpler way to put it.
So, a day at a time, with Spirit, and doing it with others, I would have to say, yes, I am up to it!
Namaste,
Ken
It had gotten to the point where I had run out of dreams. I remember when I was younger, I used to have dreams of being this and doing that. The problem is that my doubts always seemed to grow bigger than my dreams.
The last dream I had was to be self-employed, and I actually did it. Some may say I failed at it; I say I didn't. It's more like the Wright brothers' first flight - they didn't get very far nor very high, but they flew. Same with me. And I might do it again sometime.
But after my supposed failure I relapsed, and when I came to, I was out of dreams. I was out of goals, and, as I've written numerous times, I couldn't live and I couldn't die. It's that 'couldn't die' part that got me to where I am today. I had to try something, so I took the suggestions of well-meaning people around me.
And I got led into situations and circumstances that were scary and outside of my comfort zone, but I kept going, with the belief that if it's been presented to me, it must be mine to to do, and, if so, I am supported by the Universe in doing whatever it is. And this is why I am working for LSS and NAMI-Waukesha - neither of these jobs did I ask for or apply for - I was asked to work for them. It appears that I have talents for listening to people and dispensing recovery information. There's more to it than that, but that's the basics.
Today I received an offer for full-time employment at NAMI, and I accepted. This job was not on my bucket list. It's not something I've aspired to do, or even formally trained for. It's just that I have a lot of experience in what works (and what doesn't work) in recovery, and I enjoy sharing that experience and any wisdom I've gained along the way. So basically I'm getting paid for having a mental health condition. It's good work, if you can get it.
But there's other things that go along with the job at NAMI and the job at LSS that I'm not so sure about. It's not all chatting with folks. There are administrative tasks, committees to sit on, projects to participate in, reading and learning to do, etc. Both jobs are much more than coming in and following instructions. Sometimes I even have to make my own instructions. All of that is scary to me. I'm not practiced at this self-directed type stuff. I've been known to be paralyzed by fear over "do I do A, or do I do B?"
So what keeps me going? Lots of things. Everything that I've embraced over the past 18 months has so far worked out really well, so I've got some success under my belt. In fact, today I do feel successful. So I have faith that if I continue on, I'll continue to experience more success (although that part of me that is waiting for the other shoe to drop is still alive - it's just quieter nowadays). As a result of my successes, I've been enjoying recovery more than I ever have before. And I know I must stay in recovery in order to do my jobs well. A big part of recovery, a huge part for me, is staying open and receptive to Spirit, and I recognize that anything good that comes out of me is God working through me. In and of myself, I'm just a depressed, suicidal drunk. When I open up and let my Higher Power in, the depressed, suicidal drunk is transformed into a useful human being. I do not know of a simpler way to put it.
So, a day at a time, with Spirit, and doing it with others, I would have to say, yes, I am up to it!
Namaste,
Ken
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