Releasing Fear and Doubt

I have been actively engaged in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for almost two years. I've been exposed to it for about 20 years, but it didn't sink in enough for me to use until recently. What the practice of CBT does for me is it basically allows me to reframe my experience. Everything in life is perception. Alcoholism, it is said, is a disease of perception - the addict's or alcoholic's perception is skewed enough to make the next fix or the next drink look attractive. As for mental illness, reality is skewed enough to keep the sufferer in misery and pain for prolonged periods of time, disrupting normal life. That being said, changing my perception of reality (without using addictive substances) is part of the foundation of my recovery.

I have been learning over the past couple years that this is done by repeatedly applying the tools I've learned. There isn't a permanent fix, but there is improvement and progress.

Spirituality comes into play by my acceptance of the belief that life is good, and the Universe is conspiring for my highest good. I've had to accept this for myself in order to survive; I don't know that everybody has to accept it. Some people have no gods, and do just fine. Some people have 2 gods (God and the Devil) and are able to get through life. My best bet is to believe there is only One Power and One Presence in my life, and that Presence and Power is good, and my job is to align my consciousness with that no matter what the appearances or circumstances are.

To the topic:  I did not realize how full of fear and doubt I was until I really began to examine it and work on releasing it. Today I was at the NAMI-Waukesha Walks luncheon. I don't like social events. I don't like eating in front of people, and I don't think I schmooze well. That's all fear-based. I'm driving to the event, and I have the thought, 'God, I'm going to die' (from attending this event). Now, without treating this thought, it can, and often will, spiral into anxiety. There are a lot of events and other things in life that I've skipped because I've allowed a random thought like that to take control of me. Today, I came back with, 'It's not going to kill me. I'm going to have lunch, and I'm among friends.' I was in line at the salad bar, and I'm thinking, 'Why can't I be as happy as these people?' The reply is, 'You don't know how happy these people are - you're comparing your insides to their outsides.'

Those are just two little snippets from my day. Now I know why an hour or two at a social event tires me out more than 8 hours of work, and why I don't really seek these things out.

But here's the reality - I went to an event where I really did not have to do anything other than show up, eat, and say 'hi' to a few people. I wasn't even presenting (if I were, I probably would have been more gung ho - for some reason, I like speaking). Nobody judged me (that I'm aware of), nobody attacked me, everybody was friendly. What's to fear?

I used to double-impact myself. That is, on top of having these less-than-helpful perceptions, I would 'should' all over myself for having them. 'I should be better at life.' 'I should not be anxious.' And that double-impact is a killer, because it guarantees that I will never get better. I've learned to stop shaming myself for having stuff to work on. This allows me to move forward. Today's event was a lot easier to get through than it would have been two years ago.

Each and every time I recognize fear and doubt and decide to react differently than I used to, I get stronger, and more able to face the next thing. And, believe it or not, that's a fear of mine, too. As I become more skillful at navigating my life, I move on to bigger and better things. Part of me still thinks there's something I'm going to run up against that's going to crush me. I try not to spend too much time there, because that paralyzes me.

It is important for me to note to myself (and sometimes to others) when I've applied the tools I have and they've worked. That's how growth occurs. Each day gets a tiny bit better, and I am grateful. I'm grateful today that I have enough faith in God in me and in the tools I've been given to get out and experience this life. I feel I've missed a great deal of living, and I don't have to miss any more.

A closing thought - the root of fear and self doubt derives from concern for self (ego). I very often have to remind myself that the Universe has my back (all the evidence points to that), and that I don't need to have any concern about me. I simply have to show up for life and do to the best of my ability whatever is in front of me to do. A simple formula for a complex guy.

Namaste,

Ken