Are We There Yet?

I recently surpassed 30 months of recovery. It wasn't a milestone that I was looking for; I happened to be in a recovery meeting and simply counted how many months I've been in recovery, and I was surprised - 30 months seems like a long time to me! And, in truth, it is the longest that I've ever been in this kind of recovery. 30 months is a long time, if taken a month at a time. Taken day by day, or even moment by moment, it goes by relatively quickly.

I've heard that recovery/sobriety is a journey, not a destination. It's a neat concept to think about, and perhaps a comforting thought if I'm not where I want to be after 30 days, or 6 months, or 2 years. But what does it really mean? What does it feel like to be on this journey with no visible or even conceptual end? If there isn't a pinnacle, or a finish line, then what is there?

I was chatting with my supervisor the other day (the same one who called me an overachiever for oversleeping), and I happened to mention that what my aim is in recovery is to die from something besides alcoholism or suicide. That's not really the aim of recovery, but a 'successful' recovery from alcoholism/depression ends with a heart attack, or a car accident, or maybe a jealous ex-boyfriend - who knows? So we pretty much know what the destination of this plane of existence is - the transition from this physical plane to the next, whatever that looks like.

But I've lived a destination-oriented life before, and it's not enjoyable. It's filled with disappointment. For me, the disappointment usually came in the form of missing my destination, but sometimes it came in the form of making my destination, and finding out it wasn't the heaven I'd imagined it to be. 

I couldn't wait to get to high school - I'd be a big kid then, and life would be fun. I got to high school. I wasn't a big kid, parts of high school were fun, but for the most part, it sucked. So I couldn't wait to graduate from high school - I had it set up that I was going out of state for college, and I was really looking forward to that! I'd be free, and be rid of my crappy high school and the crappy town in which I grew up, and I could go have fun as a young adult and be on the road to success - life would be great! Well, I had a lot more fun after high school than I did in high school, but after a while, it began to suck as well. I spent the next 20 years looking for just the right physical situation/location where I could be successful and happy. I didn't find it, but, as I began to get tired of searching, I ended up back in Wisconsin, and very, very slowly began to learn that what I was seeking was inside of me, not outside of me. 

I began to learn that God was inside of me, rather than outside, and life was what I chose it to be, not what happened to me. I had a lot of difficulty with the concept that everything I needed was already here, inside, ready and waiting - not because I couldn't grasp it intellectually, but because I felt so rotten on the inside, I didn't believe it applied to me. There was no way I could be goodness and light, because I was such a useless piece of crap.

But the good news is that, by some miracle, I stuck around on this vile, barren, piece of shit rock floating in an empty, barren universe (now if that's not a depressing thought, I don't know what is!) long enough to begin to see some light. The patient and gentle people in my life led me to believe that I might have it all wrong - that my concept of me and my life was light years away from the Truth of my being.

Somewhere along the line, I learned how to 'be in the moment' - to be right here, right now, rather than in the past (depressing) or in the future (fearful and anxious). And do you know what I found in this moment? Nothing. Absolutely nothing! But I found out that nothing was what I've been looking for, and nothing is better than what I had. There was no past and no future, there was only the here and now, and because there is nothing in this moment, there is room for me to make this moment whatever I want it to be.

And that's what the journey is becoming for me - finding out what I can put into each moment to make life a blessed, peaceful, joyous experience. The destination is the next moment. There are 24 hours in this day, 1,440 minutes, 86,400 seconds. And in those 86,400 seconds, there are an infinite number of moments. So I have, each day, at least 86,400 opportunities to find out what I can give or what I can do or how I can show up to create more heaven on Earth. And that is the Truth. My only limit is the present state of my imagination. That's pretty awesome, and it makes the journey something to look forward to rather than something to be endured.

So, fellow traveler, I wish you well on your journey today, and look forward to the moment when our paths collide again.

Namaste,

Ken 

Listening to Pain - Part II

I recently survived a very painful experience. The short version is that due to having too many things on my plate I wasn't taking very good care of anything in my life, including myself. I got to the point where I felt very overwhelmed, I felt like a complete failure, and I wanted to drink or kill myself. 

I'm familiar with that pain - I've been there before. A lot. Something was different this time - despite the way I felt, I felt something more deep down. I felt a connection to the life I have today - my recovery, the people I have in my life, the things I'm doing. I knew deep down that what I was feeling wasn't really the truth about me.

So, I quit school. I did talk with a confidant before I did that. The reason I quit school is because it's not really necessary right now, and it was the activity in which I was not honoring my integrity. I was doing school like I used to do school - skimming the surface, not really learning, but just doing enough to get by. That's the way I used to live my life, and I know today it's the main cause of depression for me. The way my program at school was set up, I couldn't just take a break; I had to get out. I baffled my two instructors, because they were very pleased with the work I had done so far - I'd received perfect scores on everything. Yet I wasn't ok with the work I was doing, and more importantly, I wasn't okay with me.  It's imperative to my recovery that I live in a manner that I'm ok with.

And after I quit school, most of the pain went away. Now I'm not really sure if I did the 'right' thing, and I'm not even sure there is a right thing; however, I know that I did something to stay in recovery, and, right now, that's the important part. The one thing I did right in this instance was treat my recovery like it is the most important thing in my life, which it is.

The pain was there all along (this is the start of the longer story). It starts with the thoughts, which lead to anxiety. Prolonged anxiety leads to depression. One of my challenges is self-discipline - I'm still a novice at that. So I didn't have a lot of self-discipline surrounding my school work. Eventually what self-discipline I did have unraveled, and I was doing next to nothing to take good care of myself. And I knew it. There has to be in my life a foundation of recovery, and I had let that foundation erode.

The pain I was experiencing was warning me that I was getting farther and farther out onto thin ice. It spoke to me in a way that I listened. I'm still a little in pain, because I have to repair my foundation; but I'm not in the kind of pain that makes me want to escape or die.

Sometimes we see recovery as two steps forward, one step back, and sometimes it is that way. That's why recovery can be frustrating, and why some people don't make it. It's not all rainbows and lollipops - it's a lot of hard work and character-building experiences. The way to make it easier is to listen to each of these experiences and learn as much as I can from them. 

And that's how pain can be my friend and my teacher today, rather that something to be avoided and shooed away when it shows up on my doorstep.

Namaste,

Ken

Releasing Fear and Doubt

I have been actively engaged in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for almost two years. I've been exposed to it for about 20 years, but it didn't sink in enough for me to use until recently. What the practice of CBT does for me is it basically allows me to reframe my experience. Everything in life is perception. Alcoholism, it is said, is a disease of perception - the addict's or alcoholic's perception is skewed enough to make the next fix or the next drink look attractive. As for mental illness, reality is skewed enough to keep the sufferer in misery and pain for prolonged periods of time, disrupting normal life. That being said, changing my perception of reality (without using addictive substances) is part of the foundation of my recovery.

I have been learning over the past couple years that this is done by repeatedly applying the tools I've learned. There isn't a permanent fix, but there is improvement and progress.

Spirituality comes into play by my acceptance of the belief that life is good, and the Universe is conspiring for my highest good. I've had to accept this for myself in order to survive; I don't know that everybody has to accept it. Some people have no gods, and do just fine. Some people have 2 gods (God and the Devil) and are able to get through life. My best bet is to believe there is only One Power and One Presence in my life, and that Presence and Power is good, and my job is to align my consciousness with that no matter what the appearances or circumstances are.

To the topic:  I did not realize how full of fear and doubt I was until I really began to examine it and work on releasing it. Today I was at the NAMI-Waukesha Walks luncheon. I don't like social events. I don't like eating in front of people, and I don't think I schmooze well. That's all fear-based. I'm driving to the event, and I have the thought, 'God, I'm going to die' (from attending this event). Now, without treating this thought, it can, and often will, spiral into anxiety. There are a lot of events and other things in life that I've skipped because I've allowed a random thought like that to take control of me. Today, I came back with, 'It's not going to kill me. I'm going to have lunch, and I'm among friends.' I was in line at the salad bar, and I'm thinking, 'Why can't I be as happy as these people?' The reply is, 'You don't know how happy these people are - you're comparing your insides to their outsides.'

Those are just two little snippets from my day. Now I know why an hour or two at a social event tires me out more than 8 hours of work, and why I don't really seek these things out.

But here's the reality - I went to an event where I really did not have to do anything other than show up, eat, and say 'hi' to a few people. I wasn't even presenting (if I were, I probably would have been more gung ho - for some reason, I like speaking). Nobody judged me (that I'm aware of), nobody attacked me, everybody was friendly. What's to fear?

I used to double-impact myself. That is, on top of having these less-than-helpful perceptions, I would 'should' all over myself for having them. 'I should be better at life.' 'I should not be anxious.' And that double-impact is a killer, because it guarantees that I will never get better. I've learned to stop shaming myself for having stuff to work on. This allows me to move forward. Today's event was a lot easier to get through than it would have been two years ago.

Each and every time I recognize fear and doubt and decide to react differently than I used to, I get stronger, and more able to face the next thing. And, believe it or not, that's a fear of mine, too. As I become more skillful at navigating my life, I move on to bigger and better things. Part of me still thinks there's something I'm going to run up against that's going to crush me. I try not to spend too much time there, because that paralyzes me.

It is important for me to note to myself (and sometimes to others) when I've applied the tools I have and they've worked. That's how growth occurs. Each day gets a tiny bit better, and I am grateful. I'm grateful today that I have enough faith in God in me and in the tools I've been given to get out and experience this life. I feel I've missed a great deal of living, and I don't have to miss any more.

A closing thought - the root of fear and self doubt derives from concern for self (ego). I very often have to remind myself that the Universe has my back (all the evidence points to that), and that I don't need to have any concern about me. I simply have to show up for life and do to the best of my ability whatever is in front of me to do. A simple formula for a complex guy.

Namaste,

Ken

Opinions, Facts, and Experience

I got called to task yesterday 3 different times by 3 different people, two of whom I know. When two or three unrelated people are telling me the same thing about me, I listen. 

I was violating some of my own policies and standards - I made comments on Facebook that (a) have to do with controversial issues, and (b) were based more on opinion and feeling  that actual fact. I avoid controversial issues, like religion and politics, because my purpose is to support others in learning to help themselves - so I try not to alienate anybody. There are basic principles which apply to recovery and spirituality that have nothing to do with politics or religion. Additionally, when I share something, it needs to be based not on a feeling or a wish, but on a provable fact and/or my own experience. 

Facebook is tricky ground for me. I'm on it to share myself with others, to share my employers' posts,  and to promote the MS 150, the bike ride to benefit MS. I receive a lot of good stuff from Facebook, too, but I don't need Facebook to get the information I need. There are other channels available. The challenge for me is that Facebook is fertile ground for unhealthy thinking and behavior. I am learning to live life from the inside out. For the vast majority of my life, I've lived it from the outside in. For most of my life, I've been a reactor - my actions were based on my perceptions of what was going on around me. This is actually the way the human brain is designed, and it's a safety/survival mechanism - it's an instinct. However, we are spiritual beings having this human experience, and capable of not only reacting to life, but also living from an intuitive sense. In other words, we create our own reality. If I can't help but to create my own reality, I think it's good to be conscious of what I'm doing. Facebook allows me to get back into letting others create my reality for me, which is what I'm used to doing. Creating my own reality is relatively new for me, so it's easy to slip back into old patterns. I have to be careful when I get on Facebook, because it can become my reality, and that's not healthy for my recovery. Perhaps a better way of saying it is that I used to let others do my thinking for me, because I didn't want to be responsible for my own thinking and actions, and Facebook is an excellent vehicle for that mode of living.

So, getting back to the topic at hand - Opinions, Facts, and Experience:

Opinions are simply personal preferences. I have opinions on which foods I like, which religions I prefer, the type of government I'd like to see, which girls are most attractive to me, what's fun to do and what's not fun to do. What I've learned about my opinions is that they're much like my penis - it's nice to have and be proud of, but I shouldn't expose it unless someone asks (and even then...), and I definitely should not force my opinion about anything on anyone. I laugh at the Facebook posts that ask for my opinion about whether someone should go to jail or things like that because...who cares? What does my opinion matter? It won't change anything. Don't misunderstand me - I absolutely love it when someone walks up to me face-to-face and asks me for my opinion on something. However, my opinion is really valueless to anybody else but me. It makes no difference what my opinion is, because it's only about my personal preference, and that can change quickly.

Facts are facts. This happened. That happened. It's 40 degrees Fahrenheit and rainy. That's a fact. How I feel about it, what I think about it, what I do about it - there's an infinite range of possibilities. But a fact can be backed up by evidence, and, very often, if not always, I can't change a fact, I can only change my response to it. One caution, though, is that facts aren't necessarily the absolute truth. Facts can change. The weather is going to change. The GNP of the US is going to change. Another factor is that sometimes a fact seems like one thing, but, upon closer examination, we find it's another thing. It used to be that the Sun revolved around the Earth - that was a fact given the knowledge at the time. Today, most of us agree that it's the Earth that revolves around the Sun, based on the evidence we now have. Another thing about facts is that they can be misleading. Did you know that 100% of the people that ate pickles in 1865 are dead now? True fact! But, neither the pickles nor the deaths are related (except for those very few who choked on a pickle or were shot and killed for eating someone else's pickle). So, facts have slightly more value than opinions, and may be useful as a guide.

Then we have experience. That's what I share with folks. My experience is, "This is what I did, and this is what happened." This is what I do, and it makes me sick, and this is what I do, and it makes me well. Now, experience is a really good thing, because we're all having this human experience, and a lot of things that are true for one person are not necessarily true for another. Experience is like an opinion in that I don't necessarily need to share it with someone who doesn't want to hear it. So, if you've read this far, and you're not interested in my opinion or my experience, I'd have to ask, "Why did you read this far?" Experience is like a fact in that my experience is a fact. Yes, I did this. Yes, I am sober today. Yes, I am, in a relative way, sane today. Here's the funny thing about experience - sometimes we assume a causal relationship where there is none. Yesterday I was walking down the street and a black cat crossed my path. Shortly thereafter, I bought a scratch-off ticket and won $50. Both of those experiences are facts. But can I say for certainty that they are related, that a black cat crossing my path caused me to win $50? Of course not! Everybody knows that a black cat crossing your path is bad luck!

But I like to write and talk about the experience of applying spiritual principles and psychological methods to my recovery from a hopeless state of mind and body, and what I think I've learned from my experiences. And because I do these things fairly consistently and I get consistent results, my experience has value (in my opinion).

So I think I might have mentioned that my primary purpose is to be of service to others by growing in recovery and sharing that recovery with those who want it. Seems fairly simple, right? But, other stuff interests me as well, and I have lots of thoughts and feelings on all sorts of topics. However, the Universe has shown me that my role is not to be a social commentator, although sometimes I'd like to be. The Universe has also shown me that I am not a political pundit, although sometimes I'd like to be. That's not my schtick; it's someone else's. Also, I have an inner grammar nazi, and Facebook is extremely fertile ground for grammar nazis; alas, that's not mine to do either.

My experience has been that I am much happier, much more stable, and much more effective when I stick to what is mine to do, and leave the other stuff to other folks. It's taken a long time for me to learn that I'm not everything to everybody, and that it's not only ok, it's as it should be. I don't always understand or like what I see in the world, and today I don't need to do so. I simply need to be ok within myself with what I'm doing.

Namaste,

Ken

Distractions!

One of the main challenges to recovery is distractions. The recovery that I want to experience, which includes complete sobriety and freedom from the debilitating symptoms of my mental health condition, requires consistent attention to maintain. Freedom from the symptoms of my conditions does not guarantee that I will remain symptom free. And my understanding from others is that this is something everybody in recovery has to deal with - my head wants to think that just because I'm sober and sane today, I'm good to go. In reality, that's not the case.

I have experienced this enough to understand that it isn't necessarily the 'bad' things in life that will send me back to my diseases. Very often, probably most often, it's the 'good' things that come my way as a result of recovery that will start me on the road to relapse. What starts me on the road to relapse is forgetting that I deal daily with a chronic, fatal condition. Even though I appear 100% (well, maybe 90%) healthy in mind and body today, I need to pay attention to my thoughts, feelings, and actions more than your average guy walking down the street. I don't know if it's good or bad, but relapse doesn't wait for me just around the next corner, ready to pounce. It's further down the road. I can get into trouble long before I'm aware of it, and that is why vigilance is a good thing to practice if I want to stay in recovery.

Ok, so where is all of this stuff going? Well, a few months ago I got back on Facebook. I had been on Facebook a few years back, and had gotten off of it because back then, I didn't understand that I did not have to respond or react to everything everybody posted. I realized I was getting way too far into others' business, and I didn't want to do that, so I deactivated my account. It was really on a whim that I signed up again, but I thought maybe I could do some good sending good vibes out into the community. The results on that aren't in yet.

I find Facebook fascinating and addictive. Peering into your life is so much more fun and interesting than peering into my own (It just struck me that I'm the one responsible for that, so I'll have to make my own life so interesting that I don't feel the need to escape into yours. Pretty way of saying, "Get a life!") So, I found myself spending a lot of time on Facebook. This time around, I know enough to keep a lot of my opinions to myself. However, I still have trouble keeping your opinions to yourself. With all of the political unrest we've been experiencing here in the US, I've been witness to what a lot of people are feeling and (not) thinking. And it has upset me. And instead of turning it off, turning my attention elsewhere, I just kept at it. And that was the warning sign for me - my behavior was making me sick, and yet I felt compelled to continue on with it. What was becoming important in my life was the news and views of everybody else and their brother. Not good if I want to stay in recovery. Not healthy at all.

A distraction is anything that takes my attention away from my recovery, for whatever reason. I am not being dramatic when I state that in order for me to stay alive, much less function as a useful human being, I must keep recovery at the center of my life. If I don't I will die.

So I 'fessed up to one of my accountability partners as to what was going on, and it was suggested to me that I stay off of Facebook for a while until I get back on track. In other words, abstain. I haven't been able to do that yet, but I have cut back on my time spent on Facebook. Sometimes I feel like I need to get away from things totally for a little while, like Jesus did from time to time, but I'm afraid that if I get out of life for a minute, I won't be able to get back in. Hmmm, that sounds like something that needs to be faced.

Facebook is a quasi-addiction for me, for whatever reason. I can tell, because I will spend time doing that and neglect more important parts of my life. That's a simple definition of an addiction. I don't want to let it go entirely because I think it's possible to use Facebook in a positive way, and it's kind of fun. And here's the rest of my reasoning:

I mentioned earlier that distractions can lead me down the road to relapse. The problem isn't what the distraction is, the problem is how I pay attention to it. One of the things that I try to impart to others in recovery is that anything can be a distraction. Many people come into recovery with nothing - we've lost it all. We begin with "I'm powerless over ______, and my life is unmanageable." Once we've surrendered to that, we can begin getting better. And as we recover, the things we've lost in life start coming back to us - our physical health, our mental/emotional health, friends, lovers, a job, a place to live, a vehicle, a drivers' license, etc. All of these can be distractions. A distraction isn't necessarily a bad thing; the dangerous thing about a distraction is, again, it can aid in my downfall by taking my attention away from what is most important - my recovery. A good job will do that to a lot of people. How many people have I known that once they get their job and apartment line up, they're done with the recovery community. And I don't know that every one of them relapsed, but I know for myself that in order to stay in recovery, I need to stay in recovery. 

How do I keep recovery at not only the center of my life, but the center of my being? Let me tell you what happens when I allow something to begin to take precedence over recovery - I don't get enough sleep. It doesn't matter what it is - Facebook, a job, a relationship, a shiny new car, whatever. When I lose sleep, getting up in the morning is really, really difficult, and so I revert to my old habit of getting up late, getting cleaned up enough to get out the door and go to work. In other words, I meet the world unprepared. An important practice in keeping my recovery first is starting the day in communion with my Higher Power, my Source, my top priority. Without my Higher Power, I don't exist. If I try to live life without my Higher Power, pretty soon my life won't exist. I have to get back in the habit of starting my day with God. However I do that, I have to do it. I cannot sustain what I have on my own steam.

Distractions are out there. Or maybe in here, not sure which. In any event, they are a part of life, and I don't want to can't stay sober and sane by avoiding life. That's why I drank! I wanted to escape! So, I suppose the answer is to, as part of my daily spiritual practice, ask Source to guide me in where I should be placing my attention and time today. When I let go and surrendered 20 months ago, I was given, day by day, a life that I love but I couldn't dream of. Nothing has changed; God provides, I just need to concern myself with what is mine to do today. So I go to God for my recovery and my sustenance.

Namaste,

Ken

Becoming Better Organized - Part I

This is related to my last post. I recognize that if I want to succeed in my current vocational pursuits, I will have to become a little more focused, and a lot more organized. 

And I'm not sure if it's going to be 'more organized' or 'less spontaneous'. You see, as noted in an earlier post, one of the trademarks of those experiencing alcoholism and/or addiction is that we have our operating system reversed. So-called 'normal' people make most of their decisions based on intellect over emotion. Alcoholics and addicts get to the point in our lives where our emotions run the show. The way I feel is my top priority. That's not a skillful way to operate in life, and it takes daily practice to get back to the understanding that if I take the right actions, eventually my emotions will follow suit, and I'll get them under control. I got very used to controlling the way I feel by dabbling in chemicals or in certain behaviors (eating, shopping, etc.) that alter my mood. This makes my life unmanageable, and to turn that around I need to begin to take skillful actions no matter what my feelings are saying. So, that's really a lot of what I do each day - practice acknowledging what I'm feeling, and then practice doing the next right thing anyway.

There's also a part of me - a big part, admittedly - that fears organization. There's a part of me that prefers chaos over order. (Note: people who have grown up experiencing abuse have a tendency to become addicted to the physical 'excitement' that abuse creates, and when the abuse is gone, can go through a withdrawal). There is something exciting about sleeping until 1 hour before work starts and seeing if I can make it on time. There is something exciting about jamming my schedule so tight that if something unexpected happens, I'm going to be late or miss a commitment. There is something exciting about wondering if someone is going to be pissed at me because I'm running late or missing a commitment. And there is something exciting about going to the store and seeing if my card will be accepted because I really don't know how much is in my account. Yes, I like living on the edge!

And this is one of the reasons that recovery from addiction is so much more that removing the addictive substance from my life. The drug is only partially responsible for creating the un-manageability in my life - the rest of the un-manageability is created by deeply ingrained thought processes, and, if I don't work on transforming my thought processes into something that works for me, I will return to using the substance.

I do not want to say that I am disorganized - I'm not. Saying 'I am disorganized' is untrue, it's a cop-out, and it's making me my own victim. I am organized. If I were disorganized, I'd be starving, needing a shower, wearing stinky clothes (if I were wearing clothes at all), with no place to live, and no job to go to. My life is organized well enough to live at the level at which I'm living now. But I desire to be healthier, more useful, more purposeful, more prosperous. In order to move in the direction of my desires, I need to increase my level of organization.

Now, if I were to write a list of all the ways in which I could be better organized, I would be overwhelmed and just not do it. There's too much stuff! All areas of my life could stand some improvement! 

One of the areas of my life that seems to invite improvement is consistency. I know lots of good life practices. Tons. Practicing any of them consistently? Not so much. So perhaps I need to pick one or two things and start doing them consistently, and see what happens.

Here's where I'll admit something that is difficult for me to admit - I am not consistent with prayer and meditation. I pray daily, and I meditate daily, but I do it in different ways and at different times. Now, that's ok, and it's ok to pray and meditate whenever I get the chance. I don't need to stop doing that. But what's coming to me is that it would be helpful to have one set period of time each day to engage in reflection, prayer, and meditation. (This is not a new discovery folks).

So, what I am going to commit to, this one thing that I'm going to do to start down the road of becoming better organized, is to set aside a time each night that will be dedicated to quiet time with my Creator - prayer, meditation, and planning. Let's pick 10pm for starters (it's 10:14 right now, so I'm already late, but that's nothing new). The reason I'm picking night time is because my least productive time is when I wake up, and I happen to know, for myself, that how I go to bed heavily influences how I wake up. If I go to bed tired and pissed off, guess what? I wake up tired and pissed off. This might be why Jesus suggested not letting the sun go down on our anger - it makes for a crappy night's sleep, and when we wake up, we're still angry! Yesterday's problems today. Hmmph. Additionally, in the Hebrew tradition, the day actually starts at sunset, because, in the creation stories, the very first thing was darkness. And, if I start my day with prayer, meditation, planning, and 6-8 hours rest, it's bound to be a great day!

So there you have it. I'll start with that, and let you know how it goes.

I am grateful for the opportunity to think on paper, as it were - it's so much more helpful that swishing ideas around in my head.

Namaste,

Ken