Part of the process of becoming awake and aware involves recognizing the peculiar occurrence of showing up somewhere for one thing and realizing we're there for another reason.
That happened to me today, and I think I got two lessons for the price of one. First Lesson: In a group setting, doing a group activity, i knew i was right, and I became a bit pushy, if not overbearing, in trying to explain why i had the solution. I hurt someone's feelings, retracted my pushiness and apologized. The first lesson? I'm in competition with nobody. No one. Nada. Growing spiritually is about cooperation. Learning teamwork. Finding out what I have to contribute to the whole. Being a Spiritual Being having a human experience, I no longer have to compete. There's nothing to win. More importantly, I don't have to prove my mousey worth. There's nothing to prove - am I right, am I better than - doesn't matter. In the realm of Spirit, there is no 'better than' - there just Is. Period.
On to the Second Lesson: I've been doing a lot of educational stuff lately. Today I just finished my Certified Peer Specialist training, and I started some post-secondary education last week. This time around in my educational endeavors, I'm trying to actually learn something rather than just test well. I already know how to test well. Learning is something at which I'm relatively new. I'm pursuing (perhaps not an accurate word to use) my associate degree in Human Services. I'm going to be in this gig for a while, it looks like, so I want some paper to show that I actually do know what I'm doing, and I will fully participate in the experience. That's why I think I'm there.
However, that's not exactly it. I was at school in a group discussion when I experienced the first lesson mentioned above. And after I got to thinking about that, and the grades I've received so far (we've had about 10 assignments already), I realized I'm not there just to get some letters after my name.
First, about the grades - everything's been perfect so far. If you know anything about alcoholics and addicts, you'll know that most of us are creative, intelligent, and over-achievers (although by the time we're in our full-blown addiction, we're not achieving too much anymore). We're over-achievers because most of us don't really have the capacity to appreciate our gifts, and we think we have to do way better than average just to hit 'okay'. So, because part of me is still an overachiever (that's hard to say, because it still doesn't feel like it), and because I have tons of experience in the human services field already (my experience has been receiving rather than giving), my work has been exemplary and way above average, at least according to my instructors.
The person whose feelings I hurt tonight is young enough to be my grandchild. In an effort to show how ____ing smart I am, I (unintentionally) behaved in the manner of an arrogant prick. I knew it right away, and I'm grateful for that it didn't take me long to realize it. So, after I apologized (and I'll have to make amends in the future by not showing up like an arrogant prick), I got to thinking to myself, "What am I here for if not to show everyone how filled with wisdom and experience I am?" (And please remember one person's wisdom and experience can be another person's bullshit).
I am there, like I am anywhere, to be the Love of Spirit in action, , in the flesh, and to be of maximum service to others. The class already has an instructor, and it's a small class, so it doesn't need another instructor. Among the other students I am to be a peer. This does not mean that I have to 'dumb down'. What it does mean is I have to stifle my urge to show everyone how great I am (God already knows, and that's all that matters), and to do this: Use my experience and knowledge while learning how myself to transfer it to others in a way that is palatable to them. In other, much simpler words, share my experience with others so that they, too, might learn from it. Nobody, I think, likes a lesson crammed down their throat. I know I never appreciated it. Teach like a Ninja - don't let them know what's going on until it's done. Use my cleverness to make friends rather than enemies.
I really am grateful to be here learning what I'm learning and doing what I'm doing. I really am grateful today for all the wonderful gifts I've been given, and for the opportunity to enjoy them and share them with others. Sometimes the experience is painful - it really does hurt me to hurt someone - but I don't seem to suffer like I used to.
So there you have it.
Namaste,
Ken
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