I was getting my Arizona ID, and I saw that they'll give a person a 'Student Driver' bumper sticker if one asks. I thought about getting one to put on my back.
My experience is that an essential component of recovery, both from mental health issues and addiction, is the acquisition of a beginner's mind. This is where humility comes in - the state of being that says, "Maybe I don't know everything there is to know about alcoholism, depression, recovery, spirituality, life. Maybe there's something more I can learn." Beginner's mind gives us the willingness to try new concepts and to take actions that we don't necessarily believe are going to be helpful. Beginner's mind says, "Lay aside what you think you know about yourself and about life long enough to try something different."
In this endeavor to acquire beginner's mind, alcohol is an ally. As the disease of alcoholism (addiction) progresses, alcohol does less of what I want it to do - render me comfortable in my own skin and allow me to like myself and life - and more of what I don't want it to do - cause unwanted behavior, aggravate and increase depression, and create serious health problems (and, formerly, legal problems). I can see this, but once started, I can't stop on my own, or once stopped, I can't stay stopped. It makes no sense, and I can't figure it out. So I stumble into the arms of people like me - people who once drank as I did, but are now enjoying sober lives - and ask for help, because what I'm doing no longer works. I begin to take the actions that are suggested to me, whether I want to or not (willingness), and I begin to see positive change - I'm able to stay stopped, and my life is beginning to be less unmanageable.
Well, that's the way it's supposed to work, and it has for millions of people. There are a number of reasons that I personally have not yet attained long-term sobriety, and I've addressed these reasons in earlier posts. My experience does not diminish the importance of beginner's mind.
I used beginner's mind at my recovery meeting tonight. It was our first time meeting in person in a couple of months. This particular meeting is what I call my home group, which basically means my main or primary group. Anyway, it's a men-only meeting. I'm fairly certain that in a previous post I mentioned that I find relationships with men challenging. My perception is that most men are dicks (not you who are reading this, of course), we don't have the same interests, and they have nothing to offer me in friendship or anything else. This is a prime example of how I use beginner's mind. I understand that my belief is irrational, untrue, and does not serve me well, so I set it aside for an hour, and listen to what these people have to share, knowing that their experience in sobriety will probably be helpful to me. I listen for what rings true to me, and let go of the rest, because there are a couple of guys at that meeting who do fulfill my belief about most men. It doesn't matter - I listen for what they have to say about working a program of recovery.
My recovery sponsor, of course, is male, and I find myself developing a friendship with him. My counselor is male as well. I have a lot to learn from both of these men, and I have other 'good' men in my life. It is possible that some day my perception of half of the population of the planet will change for the better. I know others in recovery who have changed their minds regarding groups of people - alcohol has the tendency to inflame any prejudices or hatred we might carry. We learn to let those go because hatred does not mix well with a spiritual program of recovery.
Other ways I used beginner's mind tonight - these people do not know my history - that I was once (briefly) a professional in this field, and I've been around recovery for a few decades, so I might even know more about alcoholism and recovery than the other men do - so they speak to me as they would to a newcomer that doesn't know much, if anything, about sobriety. So I set aside my certificates and recovery merit badges, and I listen. And I always hear something helpful.
I acquired another belief a long time ago - that I must know something, I must understand and be good at something before I try it or do it. Yes, that's irrational too, but I held that one for a long time. It made it difficult for me to try something new, and when I did try something new, if other people were involved, I often pretended I knew more than I did, or would say I understood what they were talking about when I didn't. It's very difficult to learn with this belief operative. Besides recovery, a couple areas in my life where this has really hurt me are in my writing and in music. I have talent in both - I recognize that - but I haven't developed either talent as much as I could have (yet). I've barely scratched the surface on my talents because I haven't gone to people who know what they're doing and asked for instruction or advice. I am afraid of hearing, "You suck," and I'm afraid of hearing ideas that might differ from mine. This is an area that could really use beginner's mind.
Spirituality, an important component of a good recovery, and I write about it because that's what I know works for me, is another area where beginner's mind is really helpful, if not essential. Remember earlier where I used the word humility? It really fits here. One definition of humility is seeing ourselves rightly in relation to our Higher Power, people, the world, and the Universe. The view I aspire to is that I'm not God, but I am His creation, and so is everybody else. This means that I'm not better nor worse than anybody else, and that I am connected with all Life. As I said, this is a belief I aspire to, and I'm more skillful in doing so some days, and not-so-skillful at it other days. The only humility alcoholics take into recovery is that they recognize that alcohol is probably more powerful than they are, and they don't understand why they're not successful in controlling their use or their behavior when they use. I apologize for using a blanket statement, but that's part of the disease - we don't know we have a disease. So I have to set aside alcohol as a higher power, because it no longer works, and learn to connect with another higher power, preferably the Highest Power - the Creator of the Universe. This can be challenging - some of us come into recovery with really screwed-up ideas about God; others, like me, aren't very sure that that a loving God would want to have anything to do with us - we're that bad. And so coming to believe that a benevolent loving Higher than ourselves Power can really help us recover is a process for many of us who have some really deep-seated beliefs about our worthiness to have a relationship with a loving God. The belief that we're vile pieces of shit does not go well with recovery, so beginner's mind tells us to listen to others in recovery who have felt the same way and now have a working relationship with their Creator, and to instill enough doubt into that belief that we may come to see ourselves as very worthy to be Children of a Loving God - that, because of the nature of our Creator, it could be no other way. Spirituality is a process and a practice that always requires a beginners mind; spiritual pride (of which I've been guilty), says that I know all I need to know about my Creator, and I have nothing to learn from anybody about it. This kind of thinking has led me a couple of times in life to becoming a rigid, egotistical, know-it-all prick, and it eventually leads to relapse because I'm no longer letting my Creator in. I've said, "Thanks, God, appreciate the help, I'll take it from here!" Yeah.
Relationships is another area where beginner's mind can be very helpful. I had no idea when I got married (both times) what a good working relationship looked like. I knew what I didn't want, but that didn't help very much. I never went to anybody, much less someone who was in a good relationship, to ask for guidance. What was I thinking? I ended up a fly on the windshield of life.
Having a beginner's mind does not mean throwing out all of my beliefs and learning in favor of someone else's. What it does is it allows me to be willing to consider and maybe try something different. One of the beliefs that started changing in me when I began applying beginner's mind is the belief that wrong=bad. I endeavor to not even use that language anymore. I like skillful and unskillful. I handle situations or do things skillfully or unskillfully. It takes the self-judgment out of things and really opens the door for learning. I'm a ton better at being the imperfect human being I that I am, but there's still work to do.
Thanks for reading!
Namasté,
Ken
Showing posts with label Humility. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humility. Show all posts
Thursday, May 21, 2020
Saturday, March 24, 2018
Trauma Informed Living
I feel compelled to begin this post by mentioning that I am not perfect. For the past few years, I have been endeavoring to live my life using new (to me) ideas that seem better than the old ideas by which I used to live. I have yet to practice to perfection anything about which I write. I have an inner sense of the Truth, that which is Perfect Principle, and once in a while that seems to come out in practice. Most of the time, I am simply feeling my way, day by day, to a better experience of life, and sharing much of that journey in this blog. So there ya have it.
When I re-entered human services as a vocation, I began learning about Trauma Informed Care. It is the latest vogue in helping those in need of help, and it prescribes an attitude and a way of working with others to be more effective and, essentially, more humane. The previous model was more of a medical model, in which we asked, "What's wrong with this person," and "What can we do to fix it?" (or what can we do to make this disagreeable symptom we see go away). In Trauma Informed Care, we recognize that every human being has experienced trauma of one sort or another in their lives, and that maladaptive behavior patterns and coping mechanisms often are derived from these traumas. So, instead of looking at the behavior, we begin to look for what might have caused this behavior to become a coping mechanism for this individual.
Trauma Informed Care is much more of a solution-oriented way of assisting clients, one that involves looking at the whole person, not just the 'presenting problem' or issue. There are 5 guiding principles for practicing Trauma Informed Care - Safety, Trustworthiness & Transparency, Choice, Collaboration and Mutuality, Empowerment. After learning about Trauma Informed Care, I decided it would be good for me to use this model not only with the people I serve, but for everybody with whom I have contact. I also noticed that the principles closely align with spiritual principles that I also practice. In the following paragraphs, I am going to outline how I practice these principles in life.
The first thing for me to understand is that everybody's got something going on. No matter what appearances tell me, every human being has issues they are dealing with, and these issues are no better nor worse than mine. They're just different, and usually hidden. Without this understanding, it's way too easy for me to become judgmental about the well-groomed man in line at the store who is chewing out a clerk for shorting him a dime. There's a lot more going on there than "He's just a privileged, snooty asshole." People who feel pretty good about themselves, no matter their station in life, don't find it necessary to try to make others feel less-than. So, when I see one human being hurting another, or themselves, I do well to understand that the one doing the hurting has been hurt themselves. It's hard to do some days, but this mode of thinking is more conducive to better living than holding the belief that the world is filled with assholes.
The first principle is safety. How safe does the person with whom I'm interacting feel around me? As you might imagine, there are many factors affecting this. There are only two that I have control over - my actions, and my awareness that there are factors affecting the other person's perceptions of which I am probably unaware. Something I understand today of which I used to be totally unaware is that my mere presence as a 55 year-old caucasian male might be threatening to someone else, depending upon their upbringing and previous life experiences. Does this mean I have to interview everybody I meet to determine whether or not they feel I'm a threat? Not at all. What it does mean is that I don't have to add to anybody's issues. If someone is hostile or acts strangely around me, I don't have to take it personally, and I don't have to do anything about it. In fact, if I don't do anything about it, I might be helping their issue by being a contradiction to their outlook that "all old white men are assholes." So the whole thing about safety is letting someone be who they are without feeling threatened or attacked and without feeling the need to defend myself. And, if I am feeling hostile or irritated going into a situation, I do not need to show it, or maybe I don't need to be going into that situation until I'm more grounded.
The next principle is trustworthiness and transparency. In dealing with others, I endeavor to be honest and not hide things. I need to tell the truth, even if it's something that bothers me. I need to refrain from gossip, and to keep what others tell me confidential. I need to do this because everybody in life has been involved with someone who has betrayed their trust, and every person they meet who does it again re-injures that person. I need to be the person someone meets or is friends with who can be trusted. And I need to endeavor to do that all the time with all people. This builds my own self-esteem, and reduces the likelihood that I will hurt someone with my word, my action, or my inaction. Trust and transparency build good relationships, good connections, and good connections are healing connections.
Choice is the next principle. In my professional life, it means that I do not force my will onto another person. Each person with whom I work has the choice to follow suggestions or to not follow them. Of course, choice should be informed, but, ultimately, each individual has the right to make their own choices. The same goes for life. There is nobody in my life upon whom I force my will. Taking people's right of choice away is called oppression and enslavement, and neither one of those is a human right. Additionally, it just doesn't work. I'm grateful that I've never gotten off over having power over another person (real or imagined), but I see around me the effects on those people who feel oppressed by other people or institutions. Nobody has to like me; nobody has to respect me. I earn respect by the way I speak, behave, and carry myself. If I feel disrespected, it's my feeling that I have to deal with. I may wish to speak to the person who I feel has disrespected me, but, in the end, it's my problem, not theirs. I also understand that people make choices in their lives that I might not understand or agree with; however, nobody, absolutely nobody, has to live in a certain way to please me. I can always choose to try to understand why someone makes a certain choice, or, I can let it go. To be very honest, I still have an initial pre-judgment when I meet someone; however, practicing this principle allows me to get past that judgment and discover the person underneath.
Collaboration and mutuality again is about honoring the rights of the individual, but it's also about more - it's about validating another's feelings, wishes, opinions, and choices. It's about listening. It's about understanding. It's about humility, in that I don't want to take the position that I know better for someone than they do for themselves. It's about understanding that life is a two-way street, and I don't want to be a Hummer going the wrong way. It's about me feeling secure enough in my own being to allow others to express themselves freely. It's about knowing my own Truth, so that others may discover theirs.
The fifth principle is empowerment. At work, I meet a lot of people who have what we call 'learned helplessness.' Some people get to a point where they really can't do anything on their own. This is not a result of Trauma Informed Care - it's a result of someone having their humanity and individuality stripped away from them because of their illness. I was headed down that road, and I endeavor to help myself and others, whether at work or not, recognize that everyone is powerful. Every human being is born with power, and, through life's lessons, either learns to accept or deny their own power. I can point to most of the lessons I learned that taught me I was a useless waste of oxygen that would be better off dead. It took me a long, long time to understand and accept that my perception is NOT the Truth about me. I don't want anyone to ever feel about themselves the way I felt about myself. I'm learning, and it is a constant lesson, how to help others elevate themselves. Much dis-empowerment is done with good but misguided intention. I mentioned in a post a few months ago that I learned that doing something for someone that they are capable of doing themselves sends the subconscious message of "I'm doing this for you because you can't." Empowering others, rather than being disempowering, takes wisdom, patience and faith.
So, maybe you can see why I like these principles. They really invite connection with and understanding between people. They challenge me to look for the good and the strengths in others. They challenge me to put down some of my long held beliefs, and they sometimes make me feel uncomfortable. I have to possess and practice a certain amount of vulnerability and humility in order to let others be who they truly are. However, my life is vastly more interesting and enriched when I practice the belief that the Universe is expressing itself through each and every one of us and when I allow life to unfold as the Universe sees fit rather than how I see fit. Treating others in a way which is not harmful or belittling to them is one part of this; the bigger part is giving them a space to flourish as they were intended to flourish.
Namasté
Ken
When I re-entered human services as a vocation, I began learning about Trauma Informed Care. It is the latest vogue in helping those in need of help, and it prescribes an attitude and a way of working with others to be more effective and, essentially, more humane. The previous model was more of a medical model, in which we asked, "What's wrong with this person," and "What can we do to fix it?" (or what can we do to make this disagreeable symptom we see go away). In Trauma Informed Care, we recognize that every human being has experienced trauma of one sort or another in their lives, and that maladaptive behavior patterns and coping mechanisms often are derived from these traumas. So, instead of looking at the behavior, we begin to look for what might have caused this behavior to become a coping mechanism for this individual.
Trauma Informed Care is much more of a solution-oriented way of assisting clients, one that involves looking at the whole person, not just the 'presenting problem' or issue. There are 5 guiding principles for practicing Trauma Informed Care - Safety, Trustworthiness & Transparency, Choice, Collaboration and Mutuality, Empowerment. After learning about Trauma Informed Care, I decided it would be good for me to use this model not only with the people I serve, but for everybody with whom I have contact. I also noticed that the principles closely align with spiritual principles that I also practice. In the following paragraphs, I am going to outline how I practice these principles in life.
The first thing for me to understand is that everybody's got something going on. No matter what appearances tell me, every human being has issues they are dealing with, and these issues are no better nor worse than mine. They're just different, and usually hidden. Without this understanding, it's way too easy for me to become judgmental about the well-groomed man in line at the store who is chewing out a clerk for shorting him a dime. There's a lot more going on there than "He's just a privileged, snooty asshole." People who feel pretty good about themselves, no matter their station in life, don't find it necessary to try to make others feel less-than. So, when I see one human being hurting another, or themselves, I do well to understand that the one doing the hurting has been hurt themselves. It's hard to do some days, but this mode of thinking is more conducive to better living than holding the belief that the world is filled with assholes.
The first principle is safety. How safe does the person with whom I'm interacting feel around me? As you might imagine, there are many factors affecting this. There are only two that I have control over - my actions, and my awareness that there are factors affecting the other person's perceptions of which I am probably unaware. Something I understand today of which I used to be totally unaware is that my mere presence as a 55 year-old caucasian male might be threatening to someone else, depending upon their upbringing and previous life experiences. Does this mean I have to interview everybody I meet to determine whether or not they feel I'm a threat? Not at all. What it does mean is that I don't have to add to anybody's issues. If someone is hostile or acts strangely around me, I don't have to take it personally, and I don't have to do anything about it. In fact, if I don't do anything about it, I might be helping their issue by being a contradiction to their outlook that "all old white men are assholes." So the whole thing about safety is letting someone be who they are without feeling threatened or attacked and without feeling the need to defend myself. And, if I am feeling hostile or irritated going into a situation, I do not need to show it, or maybe I don't need to be going into that situation until I'm more grounded.
The next principle is trustworthiness and transparency. In dealing with others, I endeavor to be honest and not hide things. I need to tell the truth, even if it's something that bothers me. I need to refrain from gossip, and to keep what others tell me confidential. I need to do this because everybody in life has been involved with someone who has betrayed their trust, and every person they meet who does it again re-injures that person. I need to be the person someone meets or is friends with who can be trusted. And I need to endeavor to do that all the time with all people. This builds my own self-esteem, and reduces the likelihood that I will hurt someone with my word, my action, or my inaction. Trust and transparency build good relationships, good connections, and good connections are healing connections.
Choice is the next principle. In my professional life, it means that I do not force my will onto another person. Each person with whom I work has the choice to follow suggestions or to not follow them. Of course, choice should be informed, but, ultimately, each individual has the right to make their own choices. The same goes for life. There is nobody in my life upon whom I force my will. Taking people's right of choice away is called oppression and enslavement, and neither one of those is a human right. Additionally, it just doesn't work. I'm grateful that I've never gotten off over having power over another person (real or imagined), but I see around me the effects on those people who feel oppressed by other people or institutions. Nobody has to like me; nobody has to respect me. I earn respect by the way I speak, behave, and carry myself. If I feel disrespected, it's my feeling that I have to deal with. I may wish to speak to the person who I feel has disrespected me, but, in the end, it's my problem, not theirs. I also understand that people make choices in their lives that I might not understand or agree with; however, nobody, absolutely nobody, has to live in a certain way to please me. I can always choose to try to understand why someone makes a certain choice, or, I can let it go. To be very honest, I still have an initial pre-judgment when I meet someone; however, practicing this principle allows me to get past that judgment and discover the person underneath.
Collaboration and mutuality again is about honoring the rights of the individual, but it's also about more - it's about validating another's feelings, wishes, opinions, and choices. It's about listening. It's about understanding. It's about humility, in that I don't want to take the position that I know better for someone than they do for themselves. It's about understanding that life is a two-way street, and I don't want to be a Hummer going the wrong way. It's about me feeling secure enough in my own being to allow others to express themselves freely. It's about knowing my own Truth, so that others may discover theirs.
The fifth principle is empowerment. At work, I meet a lot of people who have what we call 'learned helplessness.' Some people get to a point where they really can't do anything on their own. This is not a result of Trauma Informed Care - it's a result of someone having their humanity and individuality stripped away from them because of their illness. I was headed down that road, and I endeavor to help myself and others, whether at work or not, recognize that everyone is powerful. Every human being is born with power, and, through life's lessons, either learns to accept or deny their own power. I can point to most of the lessons I learned that taught me I was a useless waste of oxygen that would be better off dead. It took me a long, long time to understand and accept that my perception is NOT the Truth about me. I don't want anyone to ever feel about themselves the way I felt about myself. I'm learning, and it is a constant lesson, how to help others elevate themselves. Much dis-empowerment is done with good but misguided intention. I mentioned in a post a few months ago that I learned that doing something for someone that they are capable of doing themselves sends the subconscious message of "I'm doing this for you because you can't." Empowering others, rather than being disempowering, takes wisdom, patience and faith.
So, maybe you can see why I like these principles. They really invite connection with and understanding between people. They challenge me to look for the good and the strengths in others. They challenge me to put down some of my long held beliefs, and they sometimes make me feel uncomfortable. I have to possess and practice a certain amount of vulnerability and humility in order to let others be who they truly are. However, my life is vastly more interesting and enriched when I practice the belief that the Universe is expressing itself through each and every one of us and when I allow life to unfold as the Universe sees fit rather than how I see fit. Treating others in a way which is not harmful or belittling to them is one part of this; the bigger part is giving them a space to flourish as they were intended to flourish.
Namasté
Ken
Sunday, February 25, 2018
How Long or How Many?
Something that bothers me from time to time is the habit of measuring sobriety or abstinence by time. Very often one hears, "I've got 90 days!" or "I've got a year!" I know people in recovery that haven't had a drink or a mood altering drug in over 40 years. Length of abstinence is important - it shows others that recovery is possible, and it shows a certain amount of character.
I mentioned that I know people who have managed to remain abstinent for decades. A few of those people I would not want to be with in the same room - they're toxic. Length of sobriety is not the same as quality of sobriety (or quality of life); however, up until now, because I've never been able to string more than a couple of years of abstinence together, I haven't had much to say about it. I do now, because I understand recovery is about learning to live from the inside out.
Length of sobriety is important to people just starting out, and important to all the other people in the alcoholic's/addict's life. Length of sobriety is important to one's parole officer, boss, domestic partner, family, and any non-alcoholic/addict with whom I share my sobriety. But because the time away from mood-altering drugs is only a very small factor in how I'm really doing, it's not important to me.
Here is a short list of some things I ask myself about my recovery, and the questions, rather than starting with "How long," begin with "How many."
I mentioned that I know people who have managed to remain abstinent for decades. A few of those people I would not want to be with in the same room - they're toxic. Length of sobriety is not the same as quality of sobriety (or quality of life); however, up until now, because I've never been able to string more than a couple of years of abstinence together, I haven't had much to say about it. I do now, because I understand recovery is about learning to live from the inside out.
Length of sobriety is important to people just starting out, and important to all the other people in the alcoholic's/addict's life. Length of sobriety is important to one's parole officer, boss, domestic partner, family, and any non-alcoholic/addict with whom I share my sobriety. But because the time away from mood-altering drugs is only a very small factor in how I'm really doing, it's not important to me.
Here is a short list of some things I ask myself about my recovery, and the questions, rather than starting with "How long," begin with "How many."
- How many opportunities have I taken to share my story with someone else contemplating sobriety?
- How many times have I admitted I was wrong?
- How many times have I told the truth when what I really wanted to do was cover up my actions or my embarrassment?
- How many times have I attended support groups to share recovery with others?
- How many times have I said, "I don't know," when I didn't know?
- How many times have I picked up someone else's litter without complaint?
- How many times have I done the right thing, even though it was harder and more scary than doing what first came to mind?
- How many times have I wanted to give up, but instead called someone, or prayed, or simply persevered?
- How many times have I set aside my wants to be of service?
- How many times have I paid an obligation before buying something I wanted?
- How many times have I taken constructive criticism without becoming angry or resentful?
- How many jobs have I had since I got sober? How many girlfriends/boyfriends? Cars? Apartments or rooms?
- How many times have I dared to travel the road less traveled?
- How many times have I spoken up about something important, even though it might make me unpopular?
- How many times did I do what my mentors suggested, even though I didn't believe it would work?
- How many times did I seek out people rather than isolate?
- How many times have I given someone the benefit of the doubt when I thought they had wronged me?
- How many times have I prayed for people I really can't stand?
- How many times have I attempted to make an honest connection with another human being?
And the list can actually go on and on and on.
How long has it been since I had a drink of alcohol? 33 months and a couple of days, which is the longest stream of continuous sobriety I've experienced. That's great, wonderful, but the really miraculous part of that time is how many of those 'how many' questions I can answer positively.
I've already gotten through all of the hard days in my life, and I've survived! So the hardest day of my sobriety, and the only one that matters to me, is today. If I apply what I've learned along this journey, it'll be a great day. If I don't, and just stay home and do nothing, who knows?
Namasté,
Ken
Saturday, December 23, 2017
Status Stigma
Anything can happen to anybody at any time.
I have been guilty of what I'm calling 'Status Stigma'. Very generally, it's putting other human beings on a pedestal and being surprised or disappointed when something very human happens to them. Sometimes I'm surprised when a well-known individual gets in trouble with the law, or a deep character flaw is revealed, or an addiction surfaces, or s/he dies from an addiction or a mental illness. We like heroes, or, at least, I do, people we can look up to, admire - and it can be disappointing to me when their humanness shows up.
I think perhaps the greater crime for me is when I do it to people I know personally. I nearly missed the opportunity to be helpful to someone who has years of long-term recovery from alcohol and drug addiction. This person came to me for assistance with some mental health issues. In my mind, I dismissed their issues as 'not serious', so I did not pay as much attention as I could have. Then I discovered that this person's life is currently seriously affected by a mental health condition. There can be a false sense of security surrounding people who have managed to stay away from alcohol and/or drugs for a long time - sort of like, 'they've got it licked.' Well, yes and no. If that person continues to use the tools that maintain their recovery, and ends up dying from something else, they won't succumb to alcoholism or addiction, but that might be the only thing that's 'licked'.
I feel I should know this: recovery in one area of our life does not guarantee problems won't crop up in other areas. I know people who have become cross-addicted - after a period of abstinence from their 'drug of choice', they may become addicted to another substance that hadn't posed a problem before. Or they may become addicted to a certain behavior. I know recovering alcoholics who have discovered they also need recovery from a gambling addiction or a sex addiction or a food addiction. And then there are those who develop another mental illness after years of recovery from alcoholism or addiction. I've known people who have been in long-term recovery from alcoholism who died by suicide. This I would call Self Status Stigma (or false pride). False pride will cause me and anyone else afflicted by it to avoid seeking help when help is needed. It happens to folks working recovery programs who are embarrassed when things happen. It happens to social workers, addictions counselors, doctors, nurses, ministers, rabbis, imams, gurus, teachers, police officers, fire fighters, soldiers - anybody. Anybody who is looked up to, or anybody who thinks they 'should know better.' Illnesses and human frailties do not discriminate.
So, what's the solution? How do I avoid stigmatizing myself and others?
Avoiding stigmatizing me is much easier, I think - I stay open and honest with the people who are close to me. I don't try to hide when difficulties arise for me. This (so far) keeps my difficulties to a minimum. I no longer have great big huge crises. Being honest and open with others helps me stay honest and open with me. It keeps me humble, and grateful. I'm far from perfect, yet on a daily basis I seem to be able to suit up and show up and be of useful service to others. I don't help others from a position of superiority - be it education, knowledge, or time in recovery. I help from a position of understanding and empathy. This attitude, I hope, will protect me from my ego getting to big to ask for help.
Avoiding stigmatizing others is more challenging. I still like to think there are people who have this life thing down pat. I still like to think that after a certain amount of time of doing things 'right', a certain immunity to 'bad stuff' develops. I do myself and others a disservice when I put anybody on a pedestal - we all come from the same Creator, and we are all connected. When I elevate someone, I create a sense of separation - they're 'better' than me - that does not, in Truth, exist, and this can cause me to be blind to their humanity. Right now, the solution to this sort of discrimination is for me to correct it when I catch it, and begin to understand that all of us have a human nature and a divine nature.
Oddly enough, that is the point of this blog, if I recall - for me to begin to understand that I am a spiritual entity having a human experience, and it's all good.
So, I will continue to avoid denying you your humanity while recognizing your divinity. And in allowing you to be you, with all your attendant sufferings, perhaps I'll get a little bit better at allowing me to be me.
And I'll keep remembering, anything can happen to anybody at any time.
Namaste,
Ken
I have been guilty of what I'm calling 'Status Stigma'. Very generally, it's putting other human beings on a pedestal and being surprised or disappointed when something very human happens to them. Sometimes I'm surprised when a well-known individual gets in trouble with the law, or a deep character flaw is revealed, or an addiction surfaces, or s/he dies from an addiction or a mental illness. We like heroes, or, at least, I do, people we can look up to, admire - and it can be disappointing to me when their humanness shows up.
I think perhaps the greater crime for me is when I do it to people I know personally. I nearly missed the opportunity to be helpful to someone who has years of long-term recovery from alcohol and drug addiction. This person came to me for assistance with some mental health issues. In my mind, I dismissed their issues as 'not serious', so I did not pay as much attention as I could have. Then I discovered that this person's life is currently seriously affected by a mental health condition. There can be a false sense of security surrounding people who have managed to stay away from alcohol and/or drugs for a long time - sort of like, 'they've got it licked.' Well, yes and no. If that person continues to use the tools that maintain their recovery, and ends up dying from something else, they won't succumb to alcoholism or addiction, but that might be the only thing that's 'licked'.
I feel I should know this: recovery in one area of our life does not guarantee problems won't crop up in other areas. I know people who have become cross-addicted - after a period of abstinence from their 'drug of choice', they may become addicted to another substance that hadn't posed a problem before. Or they may become addicted to a certain behavior. I know recovering alcoholics who have discovered they also need recovery from a gambling addiction or a sex addiction or a food addiction. And then there are those who develop another mental illness after years of recovery from alcoholism or addiction. I've known people who have been in long-term recovery from alcoholism who died by suicide. This I would call Self Status Stigma (or false pride). False pride will cause me and anyone else afflicted by it to avoid seeking help when help is needed. It happens to folks working recovery programs who are embarrassed when things happen. It happens to social workers, addictions counselors, doctors, nurses, ministers, rabbis, imams, gurus, teachers, police officers, fire fighters, soldiers - anybody. Anybody who is looked up to, or anybody who thinks they 'should know better.' Illnesses and human frailties do not discriminate.
So, what's the solution? How do I avoid stigmatizing myself and others?
Avoiding stigmatizing me is much easier, I think - I stay open and honest with the people who are close to me. I don't try to hide when difficulties arise for me. This (so far) keeps my difficulties to a minimum. I no longer have great big huge crises. Being honest and open with others helps me stay honest and open with me. It keeps me humble, and grateful. I'm far from perfect, yet on a daily basis I seem to be able to suit up and show up and be of useful service to others. I don't help others from a position of superiority - be it education, knowledge, or time in recovery. I help from a position of understanding and empathy. This attitude, I hope, will protect me from my ego getting to big to ask for help.
Avoiding stigmatizing others is more challenging. I still like to think there are people who have this life thing down pat. I still like to think that after a certain amount of time of doing things 'right', a certain immunity to 'bad stuff' develops. I do myself and others a disservice when I put anybody on a pedestal - we all come from the same Creator, and we are all connected. When I elevate someone, I create a sense of separation - they're 'better' than me - that does not, in Truth, exist, and this can cause me to be blind to their humanity. Right now, the solution to this sort of discrimination is for me to correct it when I catch it, and begin to understand that all of us have a human nature and a divine nature.
Oddly enough, that is the point of this blog, if I recall - for me to begin to understand that I am a spiritual entity having a human experience, and it's all good.
So, I will continue to avoid denying you your humanity while recognizing your divinity. And in allowing you to be you, with all your attendant sufferings, perhaps I'll get a little bit better at allowing me to be me.
And I'll keep remembering, anything can happen to anybody at any time.
Namaste,
Ken
Wednesday, August 30, 2017
The Lessons I Learn
Part of the process of becoming awake and aware involves recognizing the peculiar occurrence of showing up somewhere for one thing and realizing we're there for another reason.
That happened to me today, and I think I got two lessons for the price of one. First Lesson: In a group setting, doing a group activity, i knew i was right, and I became a bit pushy, if not overbearing, in trying to explain why i had the solution. I hurt someone's feelings, retracted my pushiness and apologized. The first lesson? I'm in competition with nobody. No one. Nada. Growing spiritually is about cooperation. Learning teamwork. Finding out what I have to contribute to the whole. Being a Spiritual Being having a human experience, I no longer have to compete. There's nothing to win. More importantly, I don't have to prove my mousey worth. There's nothing to prove - am I right, am I better than - doesn't matter. In the realm of Spirit, there is no 'better than' - there just Is. Period.
On to the Second Lesson: I've been doing a lot of educational stuff lately. Today I just finished my Certified Peer Specialist training, and I started some post-secondary education last week. This time around in my educational endeavors, I'm trying to actually learn something rather than just test well. I already know how to test well. Learning is something at which I'm relatively new. I'm pursuing (perhaps not an accurate word to use) my associate degree in Human Services. I'm going to be in this gig for a while, it looks like, so I want some paper to show that I actually do know what I'm doing, and I will fully participate in the experience. That's why I think I'm there.
However, that's not exactly it. I was at school in a group discussion when I experienced the first lesson mentioned above. And after I got to thinking about that, and the grades I've received so far (we've had about 10 assignments already), I realized I'm not there just to get some letters after my name.
First, about the grades - everything's been perfect so far. If you know anything about alcoholics and addicts, you'll know that most of us are creative, intelligent, and over-achievers (although by the time we're in our full-blown addiction, we're not achieving too much anymore). We're over-achievers because most of us don't really have the capacity to appreciate our gifts, and we think we have to do way better than average just to hit 'okay'. So, because part of me is still an overachiever (that's hard to say, because it still doesn't feel like it), and because I have tons of experience in the human services field already (my experience has been receiving rather than giving), my work has been exemplary and way above average, at least according to my instructors.
The person whose feelings I hurt tonight is young enough to be my grandchild. In an effort to show how ____ing smart I am, I (unintentionally) behaved in the manner of an arrogant prick. I knew it right away, and I'm grateful for that it didn't take me long to realize it. So, after I apologized (and I'll have to make amends in the future by not showing up like an arrogant prick), I got to thinking to myself, "What am I here for if not to show everyone how filled with wisdom and experience I am?" (And please remember one person's wisdom and experience can be another person's bullshit).
I am there, like I am anywhere, to be the Love of Spirit in action, , in the flesh, and to be of maximum service to others. The class already has an instructor, and it's a small class, so it doesn't need another instructor. Among the other students I am to be a peer. This does not mean that I have to 'dumb down'. What it does mean is I have to stifle my urge to show everyone how great I am (God already knows, and that's all that matters), and to do this: Use my experience and knowledge while learning how myself to transfer it to others in a way that is palatable to them. In other, much simpler words, share my experience with others so that they, too, might learn from it. Nobody, I think, likes a lesson crammed down their throat. I know I never appreciated it. Teach like a Ninja - don't let them know what's going on until it's done. Use my cleverness to make friends rather than enemies.
I really am grateful to be here learning what I'm learning and doing what I'm doing. I really am grateful today for all the wonderful gifts I've been given, and for the opportunity to enjoy them and share them with others. Sometimes the experience is painful - it really does hurt me to hurt someone - but I don't seem to suffer like I used to.
So there you have it.
Namaste,
Ken
That happened to me today, and I think I got two lessons for the price of one. First Lesson: In a group setting, doing a group activity, i knew i was right, and I became a bit pushy, if not overbearing, in trying to explain why i had the solution. I hurt someone's feelings, retracted my pushiness and apologized. The first lesson? I'm in competition with nobody. No one. Nada. Growing spiritually is about cooperation. Learning teamwork. Finding out what I have to contribute to the whole. Being a Spiritual Being having a human experience, I no longer have to compete. There's nothing to win. More importantly, I don't have to prove my mousey worth. There's nothing to prove - am I right, am I better than - doesn't matter. In the realm of Spirit, there is no 'better than' - there just Is. Period.
On to the Second Lesson: I've been doing a lot of educational stuff lately. Today I just finished my Certified Peer Specialist training, and I started some post-secondary education last week. This time around in my educational endeavors, I'm trying to actually learn something rather than just test well. I already know how to test well. Learning is something at which I'm relatively new. I'm pursuing (perhaps not an accurate word to use) my associate degree in Human Services. I'm going to be in this gig for a while, it looks like, so I want some paper to show that I actually do know what I'm doing, and I will fully participate in the experience. That's why I think I'm there.
However, that's not exactly it. I was at school in a group discussion when I experienced the first lesson mentioned above. And after I got to thinking about that, and the grades I've received so far (we've had about 10 assignments already), I realized I'm not there just to get some letters after my name.
First, about the grades - everything's been perfect so far. If you know anything about alcoholics and addicts, you'll know that most of us are creative, intelligent, and over-achievers (although by the time we're in our full-blown addiction, we're not achieving too much anymore). We're over-achievers because most of us don't really have the capacity to appreciate our gifts, and we think we have to do way better than average just to hit 'okay'. So, because part of me is still an overachiever (that's hard to say, because it still doesn't feel like it), and because I have tons of experience in the human services field already (my experience has been receiving rather than giving), my work has been exemplary and way above average, at least according to my instructors.
The person whose feelings I hurt tonight is young enough to be my grandchild. In an effort to show how ____ing smart I am, I (unintentionally) behaved in the manner of an arrogant prick. I knew it right away, and I'm grateful for that it didn't take me long to realize it. So, after I apologized (and I'll have to make amends in the future by not showing up like an arrogant prick), I got to thinking to myself, "What am I here for if not to show everyone how filled with wisdom and experience I am?" (And please remember one person's wisdom and experience can be another person's bullshit).
I am there, like I am anywhere, to be the Love of Spirit in action, , in the flesh, and to be of maximum service to others. The class already has an instructor, and it's a small class, so it doesn't need another instructor. Among the other students I am to be a peer. This does not mean that I have to 'dumb down'. What it does mean is I have to stifle my urge to show everyone how great I am (God already knows, and that's all that matters), and to do this: Use my experience and knowledge while learning how myself to transfer it to others in a way that is palatable to them. In other, much simpler words, share my experience with others so that they, too, might learn from it. Nobody, I think, likes a lesson crammed down their throat. I know I never appreciated it. Teach like a Ninja - don't let them know what's going on until it's done. Use my cleverness to make friends rather than enemies.
I really am grateful to be here learning what I'm learning and doing what I'm doing. I really am grateful today for all the wonderful gifts I've been given, and for the opportunity to enjoy them and share them with others. Sometimes the experience is painful - it really does hurt me to hurt someone - but I don't seem to suffer like I used to.
So there you have it.
Namaste,
Ken
Thursday, August 24, 2017
Some of My Best Friends are Women!
I started school last night. No, don't worry, I'm still taking my medication. I'm in the Human Services Associate Blended Options program at WCTC. We meet once a week, and much of the class is done online. So I found out last night that I am the only male in the class.
There are about 10 students in the class, and the way it's set up is that we go through the next two years together. Because we had had some online introductions before class started, I thought there was at least one other male in the class. As it turns out, there isn't. Once I realized I was the only male, and realized my discomfort surrounding that fact, I thought about what having another man in the class would do for me.
Plainly speaking, having another man in the class would validate my existence there. And I suppose I would validate his. If you are my age, you learned a lot about groups - girls hang with girls and do girly things, boys hang with boys and do manly things, and the list can go on and on. Jews are over here, Catholics over there, black folks live there and white folks live here. However, growing up, no matter where I was, I did not fit in. (Knowing what I know now, that's actually a good thing).
Not only am I the only male in the class, there is only one other person in my age group. The other students are mostly in their 20's and 30's. I think I have the most post-secondary education experience in the class, aside from the instructor. Apparently my vocabulary is more extensive, and I've had a lot more life experience. On the flip side, there are a lot of experiences I haven't had - I've never given birth, and, consequently, not had the pleasure of raising children. I've not been discriminated against for having ovaries or dark skin. I do know the fear of getting assaulted, but, at the same time, I don't worry too much in dark parking lots.
So what's my point, or my lesson? My lesson is I'm still learning to come to myself and know that as a human being on the planet Earth, I belong, no matter what. That's one of my basic operating beliefs that I put into practice - wherever I am, I'm meant to be there, and I have something to give.
Fortunately for me, I was not raised with a lot of gender bias. I don't feel as much as some men might that I have to live up to a certain image. I'm a lot more comfortable than some with just showing up as myself. But it's still kind of weird - if I let it, my mind will wonder what the other students think of me (actually none of my business). Also fortunately for me, I like and respect women.
Another thing that I can begin to experience is cultural humility. As a white male raised in a Christian household, I don't get a lot of that experience. For about two hours last night, I felt what it feels like to be the 'odd man out'. For two hours. Some people, probably a lot of people, experience this daily. I'm also fortunate in that I know my discomfort is all internal - for lots of people, their discomfort is real. They may be in a place where they aren't wanted, or are looked down upon. I didn't get that feeling at all. I did not feel any unwelcome vibes. But the experience makes me a little more sensitive to those people who might feel out of place because of their gender, color of their skin, first language, nationality, orientation, whatever.
My primary purpose is to be of maximum service to my fellow human beings in whatever way that plays out. A lot of my journey is releasing those things within me that might inhibit me being of maximum service, like the way I feel about myself or the way I feel about others. I can't get empathy and compassion from a textbook - I have to go out and experience it. So I am grateful for the minor discomfort I have to endure to experience the things I need to experience to become more of who I really Am - a beloved Child of the Universe who deserves to be wherever he is at at any given moment. I deserve to feel comfortable in my own skin, and I'm obligated to allow those around me to feel safe as well.
Namaste,
Ken
There are about 10 students in the class, and the way it's set up is that we go through the next two years together. Because we had had some online introductions before class started, I thought there was at least one other male in the class. As it turns out, there isn't. Once I realized I was the only male, and realized my discomfort surrounding that fact, I thought about what having another man in the class would do for me.
Plainly speaking, having another man in the class would validate my existence there. And I suppose I would validate his. If you are my age, you learned a lot about groups - girls hang with girls and do girly things, boys hang with boys and do manly things, and the list can go on and on. Jews are over here, Catholics over there, black folks live there and white folks live here. However, growing up, no matter where I was, I did not fit in. (Knowing what I know now, that's actually a good thing).
Not only am I the only male in the class, there is only one other person in my age group. The other students are mostly in their 20's and 30's. I think I have the most post-secondary education experience in the class, aside from the instructor. Apparently my vocabulary is more extensive, and I've had a lot more life experience. On the flip side, there are a lot of experiences I haven't had - I've never given birth, and, consequently, not had the pleasure of raising children. I've not been discriminated against for having ovaries or dark skin. I do know the fear of getting assaulted, but, at the same time, I don't worry too much in dark parking lots.
So what's my point, or my lesson? My lesson is I'm still learning to come to myself and know that as a human being on the planet Earth, I belong, no matter what. That's one of my basic operating beliefs that I put into practice - wherever I am, I'm meant to be there, and I have something to give.
Fortunately for me, I was not raised with a lot of gender bias. I don't feel as much as some men might that I have to live up to a certain image. I'm a lot more comfortable than some with just showing up as myself. But it's still kind of weird - if I let it, my mind will wonder what the other students think of me (actually none of my business). Also fortunately for me, I like and respect women.
Another thing that I can begin to experience is cultural humility. As a white male raised in a Christian household, I don't get a lot of that experience. For about two hours last night, I felt what it feels like to be the 'odd man out'. For two hours. Some people, probably a lot of people, experience this daily. I'm also fortunate in that I know my discomfort is all internal - for lots of people, their discomfort is real. They may be in a place where they aren't wanted, or are looked down upon. I didn't get that feeling at all. I did not feel any unwelcome vibes. But the experience makes me a little more sensitive to those people who might feel out of place because of their gender, color of their skin, first language, nationality, orientation, whatever.
My primary purpose is to be of maximum service to my fellow human beings in whatever way that plays out. A lot of my journey is releasing those things within me that might inhibit me being of maximum service, like the way I feel about myself or the way I feel about others. I can't get empathy and compassion from a textbook - I have to go out and experience it. So I am grateful for the minor discomfort I have to endure to experience the things I need to experience to become more of who I really Am - a beloved Child of the Universe who deserves to be wherever he is at at any given moment. I deserve to feel comfortable in my own skin, and I'm obligated to allow those around me to feel safe as well.
Namaste,
Ken
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