The incident got me to thinking about how I determine when and how to help someone. I looked at my past behavior and my present behavior regarding this, and what 'rules' I follow. I'm pretty sure this is a topic upon which a whole book could be written, and, even after it was written, there'd still be questions about the 'right' way to help someone.
In the past, helping someone was rarely done from my heart, or with any sense of rationality or even humility. I helped when I had something to gain from helping. Often, that gain came in the form of ego gratification or to escape confrontation. A pretty girl had a lot better chance of getting help from me than some guy did. (In fact, sometimes with women I would get obsessed with helping them out, which usually ended with me getting resentful and then drunk. Obsession deserves its own post). Inside, I usually expected something in return for my giving of myself or my money. Sometimes I helped because then I could feel superior to those I was helping. Sometimes I withheld help in order to punish. Often I helped to receive pats on the back, to make someone else make me feel better about myself.
The common ingredient in the way in which I helped others in the past was me. Or, more accurately, my fragile, arbitrary ego. These are not healthy ways to help for me. They threaten my recovery. One way to avoid helping in this manner is to stop helping. I don't think that's healthy, either. Another way for me to learn to help others helpfully is to constantly be on the lookout for the things I put in italics above - is it part of an obsession? Do I have expectations surrounding my help? Is my helping someone helping me to feel superior? Is my ego getting stroked? Am I helping out of fear - like a fear of rejection?
Now, my experience has been that I don't change overnight. This means that in my giving and helping, there are probably still elements of selfishness and ego gratification. However, I can move toward a more healthy helping and giving. For instance, I gave someone a handmade gift (I've probably mentioned this before), and the giving had healthy and unhealthy elements. I care for this person, and I wanted to give him something nice that came from my creativity - that's healthy. I also recognized that I had expectations surrounding the gift. He was supposed to open it in front of a bunch of other people - that didn't happen, and I watched how my thinking went to the disappointment of the dashed expectation. Because I was being observant and mindful, it didn't really matter that part of me went there, because I chose not to focus on what my expectations were, and chose to focus on the fact that I was able to give someone a nice gift that came from the heart.
I think, too, that now that I recognize a higher power that is not only operative in my life but the lives of everyone, the way in which I give is different. I no longer try to be someone's higher power through helping and giving (obsession). And there seem to be a lot of times, especially lately, when people may come to me for something that isn't mine to give. In those cases, I can give support and referral to other resources. There's a part of me that wants to be the Godfather - you come to me needing something, I can supply it. That attitude is 'playing God' (hence the term Godfather), and I avoid doing that. I have to trust that if I can't give someone what they need, our Higher Power will give it to them another way.
Another helpful guideline someone gave me a few years ago - If I do something for someone that they can do for themselves, I'm subconsciously telling them that I don't believe they can do it. This is very important to me in my role as a peer specialist, and even in general as a human being. The greatest discoveries in my life have been when I've been able to do something that I thought I couldn't do. I don't want to deprive anyone of finding out how powerful they really are by doing things for them that they can be doing themselves. Now, sometimes, maybe often, this puts me in a position where I have to say 'no' to folks, and I really don't like doing that. It still makes me uncomfortable, so I guess I have room to grow in that area. But people desiring recovery from addiction and mental health conditions come from a state of helplessness. I still remember vividly when I believed I would never be able to support myself or live by myself. Had I had too many people agree with me on that, I might not be alive today. I certainly wouldn't be doing what I'm doing right now. So it is very important to allow people to discover what they're really made of.
I also have professional ethical boundaries, which give me guidance on how much I can help another. They are useful guidelines, but sometimes I cross those boundaries when I feel I'm doing the right thing. I'm not a big stickler on following rules simply because they're the rules (just kidding if any of my supervisors are reading this!).
Lastly, I need to be mindful of my own needs, which is very much a challenge for me. I still have a tendency to overextend myself in the 'service' of others. Just thinking about it now, writing about Helping Myself could be its own post, if not an entire book. Taking time for myself, by myself, recharging, taking care of my physical, mental, and spiritual health all require time, and very often I find myself out of time to take care of myself. To be of maximum service to others, I must make sure my own house is in order, to quote one of the recovery texts out there. In other words, if I haven't been taking care of myself, I will be deficient physically, spiritually, or mentally, or all three, and whatever I have to give to someone else might not be all that great. It's a definite balancing act right now on my recovery journey.
Halfway through writing this I changed the title to what it is now, Mindful Helping, and I think this is the key. Practicing mindful helping means being aware, very basically, of my motives and how my actions will impact others and me when helping others. This doesn't mean that all of my choices will be the best choices possible, but it does mean I'll be paying attention to help me avoid the pitfalls I used to experience. Today I can learn from my experiences, and when something doesn't feel right to me, I discuss it with another.
What I'm most grateful for is that the spirit of service seems to be deeply embedded in me. It's like a gift or a talent that I desire to develop as much as I can. So when I do mindful helping, I'm benefiting not only another human being, I'm benefiting myself, and affirming our connection with the Universe.
Namaste,
Ken
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